The Real Thing

This last Sunday (5/24) I officiated Rachel and Matt's wedding ceremony at Magnolia Terrace in Frisco, Texas. Here are the words I shared with them and their guests:

I ask every couple why they want to marry and why now. I love Rachel answer, "He has taught me what real love is, and how a man is supposed to treat a woman. With him I feel our family is complete."

Now, when I asked Rachel what she meant when she said Matt had taught her what real love is, she couldn't adequately express it. She knew it to be true, but she could not explain it in words.

This exchange with Rachel about identifying the real thing, reminded me of a fascinating mystery from Jewish literary history. For more than 1500 years the 3rd most important book to Jews the world over was the Jerusalem Talmud. It was carefully copied generation after generation. At some time in the Middle Ages, one of its volumes disappeared, never to be seen again. Then a little more than 100 years ago a man appeared in Europe, claiming he had found a long lost manuscript of the volume, and he begin publishing it part after part.

The language of the book read so well, and felt so authentic that some rabbis believed it to be real. Many others, though, suspected it was a forgery. Something felt not right. Much like Rachel, they knew what they knew. They just couldn't put their fingers on it.

One rabbi was able to finally put the issue to rest. The Talmud has numerous repetitions throughout its many pages. So the fact that this lost volume had such repetitions was no surprise. However, this great rabbi pointed out, this lost volume not only had repetitions. It had no original material. There was nothing new here. Clearly, the publisher had used material from the other volumes, and stitched it all together. With nothing unique to this volume, it could only be a fake.

I believe this story can help us understand what Rachel means. Love CAN be confusing. We go through life looking for our one true love, and sometimes we really think we have found it, only to be disappointed. So how do we know that what we have is the real thing? We know it is real when we find ourselves feeling a type of love that is unique, a first, an original.

Interestingly, this answer is exactly what Matt said, when I asked him why he wants to marry Rachel: "For the first time in my life I have found another person I could not live without. A person that I want to spend every waking moment with. The first person I would like to have a family with."

Real love may defy words; it may elude literal description. However, it can be spotted deep in the heart, in a mysterious way, by the fact that it is truly unique. It is like no other love you have felt before. You simply cannot find a parallel to it. It can't be faked. It can't be forged. Its truth unmistakably shines through. That's when you know that what you've got is the real thing.

Following Their Own Path - An Alternative Reading of a Talmudic Story

This last Saturday evening (12/6), I officiated Jenny and Pablo's wedding ceremony at the St. Regis Hotel in Mexico City, Mexico. This was the fifth time I officiated a ceremony entirely in Spanish. Here are the personal remarks I shared, followed by an English translation of these remarks:

Pensando en Jenny y en Pablo, me acordé de un héroe literario, uno que pocos conocen, incluso en el mundo judío, llamado Elisha ben Avuyah. Como un anti-héroe en el Talmud, el libro de 60 volúmenes sobre la ley y las tradiciones, se habla de él en ocasiones como “Acher”, que en Hebreo significa “otro”, y que es probablemente una amalgama de dos personas reales.

¿Qué fue tan especial sobre Elisha? Bueno, fue uno de los estudiosos más importantes de la Torah en el periodo durante y después de la destrucción de Jerusalem en el Siglo primero. Esta era una época en que nadie sabía si el judaísmo sobreviviría. Las tradiciones judías, que llevamos hasta este mismo día, fueron fundadas durante este periodo crucial. Elisha fue parte de este esfuerzo y sus enseñanzas son el núcleo del Pensamiento Talmúdico, como fue entregado a su discípulo, el Rabino Meir.

Y después, rompió con la tradición. Las leyendas talmúdicas varían de nuevo en el por qué, y ya que no vieron este acto positivamente, son de dudoso valor en asegurar exactamente qué ocurrió. Lo que parece cierto, sin embargo, como muchas tradiciones talmúdicas admiten con disgusto, es que él no se separó de los estándares del cumplimiento judío que aún se estaban desarrollando, por tener alguna falla moral o de carácter.

Por el contrario, ellos admiten que rompió con la tradición, porque no estuvo de acuerdo con algunas de las bases filosóficas que los rabinos talmúdicos como él fueron poniendo como fundamentos del judaísmo futuro. También, quería buscar las respuestas que no podía hallar en lo que él consideró era un campo muy estrecho. Fue el mismo estudio intelectual en el que estaba comprometido, el que lo apartó. Tenía que ser honesto consigo mismo, expandir sus horizontes, y seguir sus propias conclusiones intelectuales.

Quizá es por esto que el Rabino Meir, para el asombro de otros rabinos, continuó estudiando con él. De hecho, el Talmud cuenta una fascinante historia sobre una sesión de estudio entre ambos personajes. Esta parte en especial es la que me hizo pensar en Jenny y en Pablo. La historia nos cuenta que un día de Shabat, Elisha estaba montando a caballo, (un acto prohibido para la tradición judía en este día de descanso), y el Rabino Meir caminaba a su lado, mientras analizaban las complejidades de un texto. Elisha hizo una pausa en un punto y le dijo al Rabino Meir que ha contado los pasos del caballo, y que ha llegado al límite en que uno puede caminar en Shabat, y que por esta razón el Rabino debería de regresar. El Rabino contestó con una expresión de muchas interpretaciones: “Regresa conmigo”. Con esto se refirió no solamente a que su gran maestro debería de regresar a la ciudad, sino que debería de regresar a la tradición judía.

La leyenda talmúdica termina con diferentes tipos de respuestas en las que Elisha se expresa con dificultad, supuestamente admitiendo que debería regresar pero que no puede. Claro, esta es la forma en la que los rabinos cuentan la historia. Yo, sin embargo, pienso que hay una razón legítima para leer el final de forma distinta.

La historia en el Talmud es contada desde el punto de vista del Rabino Meir. No obstante, volteemos la mirada y cambiemos de lentes, y pensemos la historia desde el punto de vista de Elisha. Primero que nada, ¿por qué ha decidido continuar sus estudios con su alumno, el Rabino Meir? Bueno, sería legítimo deducir que él ama estudiar. Ama la búsqueda intelectual por su propio bien, y por el conocimiento filosófico profundo que se encuentra en éste. Y no solamente se dedicó a estudiar por su cuenta, sino que siempre enseñó a su estudiante, el Rabino Meir, porque enseñar es la mejor forma para que uno mismo aprenda.

Pero hay más cosas aquí. Elisha se conecta más con los aspectos intelectuales y culturales de su tradición, y no tanto con los aspectos religiosos de ésta. Sin embargo, por el gran amor por su estudiante, es considerado y respetuoso con el hecho de que el Rabino Meir se relacione más con los aspectos religiosos de la fe.

No obstante, cuando el Rabino Meir le pide que regrese a la tradición, yo imagino a Elisha sonriéndole desde su caballo, con una sonrisa llena de un amor profundo y un significado todavía más profundo. Con esa sonrisa, le dice al Rabino Meir, que aunque lo quiere mucho, no puede regresar. Él ha establecido una visión del mundo sensata y firme, igual de legítima que la del Rabino Meir. Ellos ven el mundo de forma distinta. Él está tan cómodo en su perspectiva secular del mundo como el Rabino Meir está en su perspectiva religiosa del mundo. Y aún así, pueden coexistir. Incluso imagino a Elisha mirando desde su caballo 2000 años hacia el futuro, en donde un acercamiento a la vida como éste prevalece.

Ahora, ¿Por qué la historia de Jenny y Pablo me hizo pensar en la historia de Elisha?, bueno, en parte debería ya de ser obvio. Solamente hay que leer entre las líneas. ¡Jenny y Pablo les pueden enseñar cómo!

Pero elaboraré algunos puntos. Ellos dos se reunieron por el estudio, por una búsqueda intelectual, y por el amor al aprendizaje mismo. Y sé, que si las últimas 251 parejas que he casado los hubieran conocido, no se ofenderían si digo que ellos seguramente son la pareja más inteligente que he casado hasta ahora!

Sin embargo, los estudios y la inteligencia tienen un límite en el camino. Puedes vivir una vida bifurcada y muchos lo hacen, en donde conclusiones intelectuales se mantienen a raya. Este no es el caso de Jenny y Pablo. Ellos han sido valientes en sus estudios e intrépidos en su búsqueda intelectual, como Elisha, siendo intensamente honestos con ellos mismos, llevando estos estudios a sus conclusiones lógicas. Y, como Elisha, ven en el estudiar juntos y en la enseñanza, en muchos entornos diferentes, el mejor camino para alcanzar alturas intelectuales.

Pero la parte más importante es el resto de la historia. Jenny y Pablo rinden homenaje a sus respectivos trasfondos a través de esta misma ceremonia. No obstante, están en un camino ligeramente distinto, uno que se teje dentro de las tradiciones que reconocen. Este camino, arraigado en un intelecto profundo, fundado en un estudio cuidadoso, y comprometido en el pensamiento y discurso actuales, es el camino que abrazan hoy, y el camino que seguirán en el futuro, con el más profundo amor por todos ustedes, su familia y amigos.

English Translation:

Thinking about Jenny and Pablo, I was reminded of one of my personal literary heroes, one few people even in the Jewish world know of, Elisha ben Avuyah. As an anti-hero in the Talmud, the great 60 volume book of law and lore, he is sometimes referred to as "Acher", which is Hebrew for "Other", and is probably an amalgamation of two actual real life people.

What was so special about Elisha? Well, he was one of the giants of Torah scholarship in the period during and after the destruction of Jerusalem in the First Century. This was a time when no one knew if Judaism would survive. The traditions Judaism lives with to this very day were laid down during that crucial period. Elisha was part of this effort, and his teachings are at the core of Talmudic Thought, as handed down to his disciple, Rabbi Meir.

And then, he broke with tradition. The Talmudic legends once again vary as to why, and since they did not view this act positively, they are of dubious value in ascertaining exactly what happened. What seems clear, though, as most Talmudic traditions begrudgingly admit, is that he did not turn away from the still developing standards of Jewish observance, because he had any moral or character flaw.

On the contrary, they admit that he broke with tradition, because he disagreed with some of the philosophical underpinnings that the Talmudic Rabbis like him were laying as the foundation of future Judaism. He also wanted to look for the answers he could not find in what he found too narrow a field. It was the very intellectual study he was engaged in, that turned him away. He had to be honest with himself, widen his horizons, and follow his intellectual conclusions.

Perhaps because of this, Rabbi Meir, to the consternation of the other Rabbis, continued to study with him. In fact the Talmud recounts a fascinating story about such a study session. This study session specifically is the one that made me think of Jenny and Pablo. It tells us that one Sabbath Elisha was riding a horse (an act forbidden by Jewish tradition on the day of rest) and Rabbi Meir was walking beside him, as they dissected the intricacies of a text. Elisha paused at one point, and told Rabbi Meir that he had counted the horse's strides, and having reached the boundary beyond which one should not travel on the Sabbath, Rabbi Meir should turn back. Rabbi Meir responded, in a multi-layered expression, "Return with me." In this he meant that his great teacher should not only return to town, but return to living by the laws of the Jewish tradition.

Now, the Talmudic legends end with different types of mealy mouthed responses of Elisha, supposedly admitting that he should but cannot. Of course, that is the way Rabbis tell the story. I, however, think there is legitimate reason to read the end differently.

The story in the Talmud is, as to be expected, told from the point of view of Rabbi Meir. However, let's switch the lens, and think about this from the point of view of Elisha. First of all, why has he continued to study with his student, Rabbi Meir? Well, it would be legitimate to deduce that he loves to study. He loves the intellectual pursuit for its own sake, and for the deep philosophical inquiry involved with it. And he did not just engage in study on his own. He kept teaching his student, Rabbi Meir, because teaching is the best way for you yourself to learn.

There is more here, though. Elisha himself connects to the intellectual and cultural aspects of his tradition, and not so much the religious aspects of this tradition. However, due to his great love for his student, he is mindful and respectful of the fact that Rabbi Meir connects to those religious aspects of the faith.

However, when Rabbi Meir asks him to return to tradition, I imagine him smiling down him from atop the horse, with a smile full of deep love and deeper meaning. With that smile he tells Rabbi Meir that though he still greatly loves him, he can't really return. He has established a firm and well thought out world-view, as legitimate as Rabbi Meir's. They see the world differently. He is as comfortable in his secular world-view as Rabbi Meir is in his religious point of view, and they can co-exist. I even imagine Elisha looking from atop his horse 2000 years into the future, where such an approach to life prevails.

Now, why did Jenny and Pablo's story make me think of Elisha's story? Well, in part it should be obvious already. Just read between the lines. Jenny and Pablo can show you how!

However, allow me to elaborate on a few points. These two came together because of study, because of intellectual pursuit, because of learning for learning's sake. And, I know that if the previous 251 couples I have married knew them, they would not be offended by my saying that they are positively the smartest couple I have married so far!

However, smarts and studies will only take you so far. You can and many do live bifurcated lives, where intellectual conclusions are kept at bay. Not so with Jenny and Pablo. They have been brave in their studies and fearless in their intellectual pursuits, like Elisha remaining fiercely honest with themselves, following these studies to their logical conclusions. And, like Elisha, they see studying together and teaching, in many different settings, as the best way to reach intellectual heights.

But the most important part is the rest of the story. Jenny and Pablo pay homage to their respective backgrounds through this very ceremony. However, they are on a slightly different path, one weaved within the traditions they acknowledge. This path, rooted in deep intellect, founded on careful study, and engaged in ongoing thought and discourse, is the path they embrace today, and the path they will continue to follow tomorrow, with the deepest love for all of you, their family and friends.

Got That Happiness Thing "Made"

Friday afternoon (9/5) I officiated Sandy and Chris' wedding ceremony at their home in Richmond Heights, Ohio. It was a lot of fun seeing their family again, having officiated Sandy's brother Jon's wedding ceremony to Jenny, a few years ago in New Orleans, Louisiana. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

 

Ask Chris to tell you one thing about Sandy, and he will use a sentence that is mutually true: "I have never been with someone that makes me as happy as Sandy does."

 

The very founding document of our nation prominently mentions the pursuit of happiness, third only to life and liberty, as one of reasons for those Englishmen throwing off the yoke of their monarch. This stands out even more, if you know that they were borrowing this phrase from Locke, who had spoken of life, liberty and property, not the pursuit of happiness.

Now, if our forebears imbued our nation with legitimacy, insofar, as it could enable us to pursue happiness, the question that follows should be more than obvious: How does one do just that, achieve happiness. I believe that Sandy and Chris in the way they have lived their lives, help us understand.

 

First, you need to be patient. We live in a world where speed is prized. Why is my burger ready only after an agonizing 60 seconds? Why does my iPhone take an unbearable 10 seconds to retrieve that email? Can you believe that it took Amazon a full 24 hours to get me that new flatscreen TV? Sandy and Chris understand that "good" and "fast" aren't all that often equal. Just look at what happened when Chris asked Sandy out the first time, and she explained that the timing was just not right. He didn't give up. All he said was, "I will wait for you. I am not going anywhere." It took about a year, she said yes, and you know the rest...

Second, you need to work at it, but not make a big deal out of yourself. Just do what needs to be done. The Talmud says that the Patriarch, Abraham, would "talk little and do much." Basic business and customer service practice similarly tells us to, "underpromise and overdeliver." Both Sandy and Chris' family and friends can tell you how they embody this quality in their lives as individuals and as a couple. 

 

Third, and this is closely connected to the other two, you need to let go of your apprehensions, be inspired, relish your life experiences, and learn from them and from each other. Indeed, Sandy tells us that Chris has turned around all her, "'I'm never going to's'", and also says, "I have never believed in anyone more than I believe in Chris,” whom she fondly calls her “Frank Sinatra”. Chris, in turn says, "She inspires me to be a better man. At this point I could not be without her. She is the yin to my yang, the peanut butter to my jelly, and the twinkle to my star."

 

So, folks, just remember, have patience, get the job quietly done, let go of your apprehensions, be inspired, relish your life experiences, and learn from them and from each other. Then you've got that happiness thing "made..."

Whole Tablets and Broken Tablets

 

Yesterday, Saturday 7/12, I officiated Sharon and Judy's wedding at the Sheraton Albuquerque Uptown in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

The Bible tells us that after Moses received the Ten Commandments, he saw the people worshipping the Golden Calf, and broke the tablets. Now, being a sensible Jew, Moses had taken out a full warranty, so after paying a fifty shekel deductible, God gave him a new set of tablets. Eventually, Moses is instructed to put both sets of tablets in the Ark of the Covenant, so Indiana Jones could rescue it from the Nazis... (Not really.)

Now, the Rabbis of the Talmud learn a really cool lesson from this. "Be careful to respect a Torah scholar, who has forgotten his learning, since the whole tablets AND the broken tablets, both rest in the Ark." So, the Rabbis are afraid that since the Torah scholar has dementia, people might not accord him the respect he is due. They say, no, you must respect him. He is like the broken tablets. They too rest in the holy Ark.

I was reminded of this idea, when I reflected on what Sharon and Judy say about each other. They each are very particular about respecting those, who because of age or ability, are sometimes themselves forgotten. Listen to Sharon: "Judy demonstrated such deep compassion for the elderly people in our neighborhood. It was not uncommon, on a hot Summer’s day, for her to offer a ride home to some poor little elderly woman, or man, trudging along in the heat, trying to get groceries home before they spoiled. Our own shopping trips seldom ended without helping a senior neighbor to get home a little sooner and a little cooler. Not only did I love her for her sensitivity, I admired and respected her character and integrity. We also discovered that we both love animals and the natural beauty of our world and fervently believe that both should be protected and preserved."

Judy insists that if anyone is to be praised in this regard, it is Sharon: "Sharon cared and treasured all. Even if it was a mouse that we just could not allow to roam free in the house, she buried it as she does all of the Lord’s creatures and offered a blessing. When I think of these times, I fill with tears of love. This was carried into her work with her patients. As a speech language pathologist, she worked exclusively with older patients. She was dedicated to helping them find ways to communicate. I still hear her saying, 'I know that she is in there. I have to find a way to get in there and help her get out.'"

There is however another broader understanding of this idea of the whole tablets and the broken tablets both being important, that Sharon and Judy talk about and embody. They both understand deeply as individuals and as a couple, that life is a journey, where there are whole tablets and broken tablets along the way, and that true love is about treasuring both. As Sharon says: Thirty years ago, we met as two individuals.... each bringing a set of life experiences, joys, disappointments... talents and skills. Over the years we have blended all those ingredients and created a new shared set of life experiences. Together we have shared life cycles, as any other couple does... we have endured the heartache over the death of loved ones... parents and younger ones taken too soon... together, we’ve cried at the weddings of our nieces and rejoiced when a new baby was born into our family. We have enjoyed the acceptance of our relationship by loved ones from both families."

Judy reflects this too: "The Bronx, Mahopac, Mount Vernon, Manhattan, Madrid, Goshen, Connecticut and Albuquerque, New Mexico: all stops on the train of my life. The connection to New Mexico is the one that brings us to our celebration on July 12. My beshert and I have been together 30 years; as one can imagine we have shared both good times and difficult times. The 30 years have been a blessing, and though it would be hubris, it would be great to have an additional 30!"

There is one final way that Sharon and Judy's story, and the story of the two sets of tablets can inform what we celebrate here today. Liberal Judaism holds that though we treasure and value our ancient traditions, we shouldn't stick to each and every one of them. Sometimes, if a tradition is out of date and categorically wrong - for example the tradition of only heterosexuals being allowed marry - then we need to break it. We need to break it, set it aside, and carve a new fresh more inclusive tradition. God wasn't afraid to do that, and nor should we be, in our religious traditions and in our civil laws.

A River, a Pot Or a Bird

Yesterday (4/13) Deacon Jim McKenzie and I co-officiated Katie and Charles' wedding ceremony at the Benton Chapel of Vanderbilt University in Nashville, Tennessee. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

When I sat down to write the remarks for this wedding I came across a passage in the Talmud, that I had last studied about 20 years ago. The Talmud is a fascinating book, which records the discussions of the great rabbis from about 200-800 C.E. Though its main thrust is to serve as the legal foundation for Jewish Law, it contains fascinating stories and ancient lore too.

In the ancient world people saw dreams as potential signs and messages from the divine. The ancient rabbis were no exception. In the first tractate of the Talmud on folio 56b the rabbis say that if one sees a river, a pot or a bird in a dream, these are all good signs of peaceful relations in one's life.

Hundreds of years later, Rabbi Elijah of Vilnius wrote a fascinating interpretation of this passage. He said that really these three items represent three different levels of relationships. The river, to this day used to transport commercial items, represents a loose impersonal relationship, that commercial partners might have with each other. The pot, which allows the fire beneath it and the water within it to coexist and work together, symbolizes a closer personal relationship based on mutual complementary interests. Finally, the bird, in which folded into the one creature are the ability to travel by land and the ability to fly, symbolizes two people coming together in the closest of relationships, and becoming one inseparable entity.

Doesn't that final symbolism sound exactly like the relationship Katie and Charles have? During the last five years they have had some, let's just say this diplomatically, "unique" experiences. These experiences have created a bond between them that typically one does not expect to see amongst couples of their age. In fact their relationship reminded me of a story that really exemplifies what the Talmud talks about, and what Katie and Charles have. It is said of Rabbi Aryeh Levin, that he once took his wife to the doctor. When the doctor asked what the problem was, the saintly rabbi said, "We feel pain in my wife's leg." You see, Rabbi Aryeh and his wife were so in love, their relationship was so close, that when her leg was hurting, THEY, not SHE felt pain.

What we wish for you, Katie and Charles, is that you continue to experience deep mutual love and empathy, and have such a close relationship. And together, may you experience only joy, pleasure and happiness from this day forward.

My Destiny

Once again, sharing an iTunes account with my (almost) 18 year old came in handy. Read how, in my remarks to Jeri and David, and their guests:

Jeri and David share a unique love story. It is a story that began years ago. It is a story that involved twists and turns. It is a story that involved an epic journey to where they are today. It is a story of Jeri and David's destiny to be together, as one.

Thinking about Jeri and David reminded me of a song by one of my daughter's favorite singers, a Swedish artist who goes by the moniker, Velvet. The name of the song is "My Destiny", and it could have been written about Jeri and David. Here are a few lines:

Sorrow in my face
Then you would embrace me
There were times I chased every dream
I've been running far to see
My destiny
Has been touched by your heart
My destiny
Never tear us apart
Love is a mirror that shines through your eyes
I've finally realized
How I trust in you
Like you trust in me
I know that we're meant to be

This reminded me of a fascinating Talmudic passage. The Talmud states that 40 days before an embryo is formed, a heavenly voice will exclaim, "the daughter of so and so will marry so and so." Think about that. The rabbis are saying that each of us has that one person we are in fact meant to be with!

Now, that might lead you to think that this whole matchmaking thing is really easy. Not so fast. The Talmud also says that ever since God finished all that heavy lifting involved with creating the world, he devotes most of his time to what? Matchmaking.

So what is going on here? Is marrying one's soul mate a foregone conclusion, or is it something one has to work at?

Jeri and David helped me answer this question. It is really a little bit of both. Anyone who knows Jeri and David, and knows their story, knows that these two belong together. This couple was meant, nay destined, to be together. That said, they also show us that you can't just sit back and wait for fate to take its course. That is not what destiny is all about. Destiny is about making a choice of how and with whom you will share your life and your love. Destiny is about never giving up on your dreams. Destiny is about charting your course towards what is meant to be, and turning it into a reality. Just like Jeri and David did...

Becky and Larry – A Great Pair of Learners

This last Sunday I officiated Becky and Larry’s wedding in Riverside County in California. Becky and Larry are both intriguing individuals. Becky is a teacher in the true meaning of the word, and Larry works in the entertainment industry. (This is the first wedding I have done, where the groom grabbed some drumsticks, and sat down to play with the band!) Here are the personal words I shared with this unique couple:

Becky and Larry are an inspiring couple. They are first and foremost learners. They relish in learning new things from each other and from those around them.

Both Becky and Larry do not hesitate to question, and this is really the foundation of learning. It is also the foundation of both Judaism and Christianity. The former’s foundational book is the Talmud, a book that is all about questioning (as if to emphasize this its very first words are a question). The latter was born out of questioning the religious order of the time, and its hero ends his life asking a question that has resonated through the generations, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

Now, on the one hand, one might say, duh! Isn't it obvious that one should use every opportunity to learn? Isn't it a given that the only way we can improve is through life long learning? Well, yes, but unfortunately in our very individualistic culture, people seem to sometimes overlook this concept. Too often, the response to a question is, "Who do you think you are to question?" All too frequently, the response to a prompt to learn is, "You are not the boss of me!"

So, we should be thankful to people like Becky and Larry. Be it from older siblings, be it from indigenous inhabitants in a village deep in the Yucatan, their inclination is to learn as much as they can. Thank you, Becky and Larry, for setting a great example for all the rest of us.

Hillel’s Lessons in Word and Deed

About a month ago I officiated a Bat Mitzvah celebration for a young lady named Na’ama. It was not your typical Bat Mitzvah celebration. (If you have not yet noticed, typical is not what I am really into…) The celebration’s focal point was Na’ama herself leading a study session on the topic “A Celebration of Multiple Identities and the American Spirit”. She discussed how her namesake, the queen of Israel, exemplified the celebration of multiple identities and how George Washington in his letter to the Jews of Newport emphasized this very same idea. The gist of what I shared with her and her guests, in my personal remarks, follows:

What do we wish for our kids? Well, we hope that along with the inevitable mistakes they will make, and the lessons they will hopefully learn from them, they will on balance make the right choices. The million dollar question is, what qualities do they need to have so this does, in fact, happen?

For starters, they need intelligence and creativity, which I can tell Na’ama has. The thing is, that that is just not enough. After all, the financial crisis we are still in was caused by a bunch of really intelligent and (overly) creative people. They used those very qualities in spades, made some really bad choices, and got us all into a huge mess.

So what else is crucial to make sure that you can mostly make good choices? Well, you need a few qualities, that again, from spending time with Na’ama, I can tell she has: a caring attitude towards others, a sense of true humility, and the understanding that most issues are not black and white, rather gray.

There is a wonderful story in the Babylonian Talmud (Shabbat 31a) that exemplifies just this point in word and deed:

Once there was a gentile who came before Shammai, and said to him: "Convert me on the condition that you teach me the whole Torah while I stand on one foot”. Shammai pushed him aside with the measuring stick he was holding. The same fellow came before Hillel, and Hillel converted him, saying: “That which is despicable to you, do not do to your fellow; this is the whole Torah, and the rest is commentary, now go and learn it.”

Shammai shows that he is pretty much a black and white kind of guy. It is my way or the highway with him, and it is difficult to say that he is acting humbly or in a caring manner. Hillel, on the other hand, has one hard and fast black and white rule – treat others as you want to be treated. Now, says Hillel, go figure out the details on your own; life is mostly gray, after all. This demands true humility, because when you tell someone to go figure it out, it means they may find different answers than you did. They may end up using a slightly different measuring stick, when it comes to the nitty-gritty. Hillel is totally OK with that. Hillel, in his actions, shows that he is not just talk, he actually is very caring. He treats others as he would want to be treated. He lives what he preaches.

The postscript of this story, and the very fact that it has one, is fascinating. The Talmud is a book of discussions, and it goes back and forth, back and forth. Many times it does not give clear and consistent rulings even on issues of law. Not here. The Talmud uses a Paul Harvey “rest of the story” type of postscript to pass clear judgment on which of the rabbis was in the right, and which was in the wrong. It gives two more examples of how Shammai treated “interesting” potential converts with his black and white uncaring approach, and how Hillel acted in caring manner, and was willing to meet them where they were. It then tells us:

Some time later the three met in one place; said they, Shammai's impatience sought to drive us from the world, but Hillel's gentleness brought us under the wings of the divine presence.

So, Na'ama, hold on to that. Continue to follow Hillel's path. Continue to show a caring attitude towards others, continue to exhibit a sense of true humility, and hold on to the understanding that most issues are not black and white, rather gray. This will put you on Hillel’s path of success in a way that truly matters. You will, on balance make good choices, and will truly make a difference in the world.