Efi and Mike are a special couple. They have been legally married for six years, and decided to go down to Costa Rica with a few friends and family to have the religious celebration they did not have six years ago. Here are the remarks I shared with them:
So, at a wedding in Costa Rica, with a bride and groom from Canada, family here from Israel and a rabbi from Texas, why not read a song from an English rock band, right? Seriously, though, here is something deep from Led Zeppelin:
If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you
When mountains crumble to the sea, there would still be you and me
Kind woman, I give you my all, kind woman, nothing more
Little drops of rain whisper of the pain, tears of loves lost in the days gone by
Our love is strong, with you there is no wrong, together we shall go until we die.
Inspiration's what you are to me, inspiration, look... see.
And so today, my world it smiles, your hand in mine, we walk the miles
Thanks to you it will be done, for you to me are the only one.
Happiness, no more be sad, happiness... I'm glad.
If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you. If the mountains should crumble to the sea, there would still be you and me.
What does that mean in this context, of celebrating your love, Efi and Mike? Unlike the average couple I officiate for, you have been already on a six year long marital journey together. It is easy to see that you have a strong bond of marital love. You have been living a life of telling each other implicitly every day for a long time now, “For you to me are the only one.” As your loved ones here can attest to, your connection, your bond, your marriage is as fresh as it was six years ago, and it grows sturdier every day. In your life you indeed proved that a chance encounter in the Promised Land can lead to a marital life full of promise. And so today, you proclaim to the world, “Our love is strong.”
So, as you place a ring now on Efi’s finger, Mike, and recite the ancient formula in Hebrew, say to her in essence, once more ,“Kind woman, I give you my all, kind woman, nothing more,” and you, Efi, in accepting it, say to Mike, in essence, once more, “Today, my world it smiles, your hand in mine, we walk the miles.” And say to each other from now and forever, “If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you. If the mountains should crumble to the sea, there would still be you and me.”
Showing posts with label celebration. Show all posts
Showing posts with label celebration. Show all posts
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Thursday, April 28, 2011
How Parents Can Broaden the Scope of Normal
Though I mostly do weddings, lately people have been calling on me to do other things too. This last Saturday, I was privileged to officiate a baby naming for Miriam, daughter of Farrah and Nate. I first spoke about her Hebrew name, and then about what I wished her.
Friends, one of the most fascinating things about Jewish tradition is that a Jewish scholar, be he the greatest scholar of his generation, is referred to as a talmid chacham, literally a wise student. That is because Judaism values the idea of life long learning. Whatever like-cycle event I officiate, I try to see it as a teachable moment.
Nobody really knows what the real meaning of Miriam is. Farrah and Nate chose this name, because it combines the names of Nate’s mother and grandmother. In English that would be Marion, and so Miriam was an obvious choice. The character of Miriam does have a fascinating connection to Pesach, which we are in the midst of celebrating. While the standard story of the Exodus emphasizes Moses and Aaron, we can definitely see on the periphery of the story the role of Miriam, their sister, as key. She is the one who engineers Moses growing up in Pharaoh’s house. She is the one who arranges for Moses to spend a few years with his birth mother, before going off to Pharaoh’s house. She is the one who the Bible tells us sings a song of thanks after the parting of the Red Sea, a song that Moses more lengthy song is clearly based on. A later prophet, therefore, when referring to the Exodus says to the people of Judea, “For I brought you up from the land of Egypt and redeemed you from the house of slavery, and I sent before you Moses, Aaron, and Miriam.”
A few weeks ago I asked Farrah and Nate to share their hopes for little Miriam with me. They told me that they wished for to be happy and find personal fulfillment in life; that she should grow up to be her own person and an independent woman, that she should find personal fulfillment; that she should try as hard as she can, and find professional success.
I think these answers, coupled with what I have gathered from spending some time with Farrah and Nate, are telling in a very good way. You see, I spent 12 years as an educator, 5 of those as an assistant principal first for elementary and middle school and then for high school, and now I spend my time mostly marrying couples. This has taught me, that not surprisingly, when you look at the apples, you usually see a correspondence to the trees. In that sense, the most difficult thing to teach and more importantly unteach is how to interact with other people, especially a life partner.
You see, quite often, the most significant adjustments in any loving relationship have to do with what is the “normal” way of doing things, and the translation of “normal” really is “the way my folks do it”. My wife and I are a great example. A few days after we married 18 years ago, I suggested I make scrambled eggs for breakfast, and she enthusiastically agreed. She left the room for a few minutes, as I began to make the eggs. When she returned, she had a horrified look on her face. I was perplexed, and I asked her what was wrong. She, her voice quivering, said that I had broken the eggs into a glass, and not a bowl, which is the normal way to do it. I looked at her like she was crazy, and I insisted that normal people break their eggs into a glass. Again, instead of normal insert, “the way my folks do it.” Now, of course, in our home today, we break eggs into a bowl, because that is what normal people do… but that is really beside the point.
Now, I do not believe any couple since the dawn of time has escaped such adjustments. Every couple has the type of adjustments my wife and I dealt with. It is though, I believe, in the hands of parents to raise their children in a way that can minimize these. It is up to parents to raise children with not only a set of standards of behavior, but also with the understanding that different people do things differently, and that that is OK. It is up to parents to raise children that understand that, sure there are things that are black and white, but most of the world is pretty much gray. It is up to parents to raise children who are open to learning, and are not afraid to try new ways of doing things. It is up to parents to broaden the scope of what is normal.
Continue to build a home where pluralism is central. Raise your family in an environment where the words "my way or the highway" never come into play. Continue to inculcate your children with the spirit of learning and growing. Through this you and they will find complete, utter and true happiness.
Friends, one of the most fascinating things about Jewish tradition is that a Jewish scholar, be he the greatest scholar of his generation, is referred to as a talmid chacham, literally a wise student. That is because Judaism values the idea of life long learning. Whatever like-cycle event I officiate, I try to see it as a teachable moment.
Nobody really knows what the real meaning of Miriam is. Farrah and Nate chose this name, because it combines the names of Nate’s mother and grandmother. In English that would be Marion, and so Miriam was an obvious choice. The character of Miriam does have a fascinating connection to Pesach, which we are in the midst of celebrating. While the standard story of the Exodus emphasizes Moses and Aaron, we can definitely see on the periphery of the story the role of Miriam, their sister, as key. She is the one who engineers Moses growing up in Pharaoh’s house. She is the one who arranges for Moses to spend a few years with his birth mother, before going off to Pharaoh’s house. She is the one who the Bible tells us sings a song of thanks after the parting of the Red Sea, a song that Moses more lengthy song is clearly based on. A later prophet, therefore, when referring to the Exodus says to the people of Judea, “For I brought you up from the land of Egypt and redeemed you from the house of slavery, and I sent before you Moses, Aaron, and Miriam.”
A few weeks ago I asked Farrah and Nate to share their hopes for little Miriam with me. They told me that they wished for to be happy and find personal fulfillment in life; that she should grow up to be her own person and an independent woman, that she should find personal fulfillment; that she should try as hard as she can, and find professional success.
I think these answers, coupled with what I have gathered from spending some time with Farrah and Nate, are telling in a very good way. You see, I spent 12 years as an educator, 5 of those as an assistant principal first for elementary and middle school and then for high school, and now I spend my time mostly marrying couples. This has taught me, that not surprisingly, when you look at the apples, you usually see a correspondence to the trees. In that sense, the most difficult thing to teach and more importantly unteach is how to interact with other people, especially a life partner.
You see, quite often, the most significant adjustments in any loving relationship have to do with what is the “normal” way of doing things, and the translation of “normal” really is “the way my folks do it”. My wife and I are a great example. A few days after we married 18 years ago, I suggested I make scrambled eggs for breakfast, and she enthusiastically agreed. She left the room for a few minutes, as I began to make the eggs. When she returned, she had a horrified look on her face. I was perplexed, and I asked her what was wrong. She, her voice quivering, said that I had broken the eggs into a glass, and not a bowl, which is the normal way to do it. I looked at her like she was crazy, and I insisted that normal people break their eggs into a glass. Again, instead of normal insert, “the way my folks do it.” Now, of course, in our home today, we break eggs into a bowl, because that is what normal people do… but that is really beside the point.
Now, I do not believe any couple since the dawn of time has escaped such adjustments. Every couple has the type of adjustments my wife and I dealt with. It is though, I believe, in the hands of parents to raise their children in a way that can minimize these. It is up to parents to raise children with not only a set of standards of behavior, but also with the understanding that different people do things differently, and that that is OK. It is up to parents to raise children that understand that, sure there are things that are black and white, but most of the world is pretty much gray. It is up to parents to raise children who are open to learning, and are not afraid to try new ways of doing things. It is up to parents to broaden the scope of what is normal.
Continue to build a home where pluralism is central. Raise your family in an environment where the words "my way or the highway" never come into play. Continue to inculcate your children with the spirit of learning and growing. Through this you and they will find complete, utter and true happiness.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Hillel’s Lessons in Word and Deed
About a month ago I officiated a Bat Mitzvah celebration for a young lady named Na’ama. It was not your typical Bat Mitzvah celebration. (If you have not yet noticed, typical is not what I am really into…) The celebration’s focal point was Na’ama herself leading a study session on the topic “A Celebration of Multiple Identities and the American Spirit”. She discussed how her namesake, the queen of Israel, exemplified the celebration of multiple identities and how George Washington in his letter to the Jews of Newport emphasized this very same idea. The gist of what I shared with her and her guests, in my personal remarks, follows:
What do we wish for our kids? Well, we hope that along with the inevitable mistakes they will make, and the lessons they will hopefully learn from them, they will on balance make the right choices. The million dollar question is, what qualities do they need to have so this does, in fact, happen?
For starters, they need intelligence and creativity, which I can tell Na’ama has. The thing is, that that is just not enough. After all, the financial crisis we are still in was caused by a bunch of really intelligent and (overly) creative people. They used those very qualities in spades, made some really bad choices, and got us all into a huge mess.
So what else is crucial to make sure that you can mostly make good choices? Well, you need a few qualities, that again, from spending time with Na’ama, I can tell she has: a caring attitude towards others, a sense of true humility, and the understanding that most issues are not black and white, rather gray.
There is a wonderful story in the Babylonian Talmud (Shabbat 31a) that exemplifies just this point in word and deed:
Once there was a gentile who came before Shammai, and said to him: "Convert me on the condition that you teach me the whole Torah while I stand on one foot”. Shammai pushed him aside with the measuring stick he was holding. The same fellow came before Hillel, and Hillel converted him, saying: “That which is despicable to you, do not do to your fellow; this is the whole Torah, and the rest is commentary, now go and learn it.”
Shammai shows that he is pretty much a black and white kind of guy. It is my way or the highway with him, and it is difficult to say that he is acting humbly or in a caring manner. Hillel, on the other hand, has one hard and fast black and white rule – treat others as you want to be treated. Now, says Hillel, go figure out the details on your own; life is mostly gray, after all. This demands true humility, because when you tell someone to go figure it out, it means they may find different answers than you did. They may end up using a slightly different measuring stick, when it comes to the nitty-gritty. Hillel is totally OK with that. Hillel, in his actions, shows that he is not just talk, he actually is very caring. He treats others as he would want to be treated. He lives what he preaches.
The postscript of this story, and the very fact that it has one, is fascinating. The Talmud is a book of discussions, and it goes back and forth, back and forth. Many times it does not give clear and consistent rulings even on issues of law. Not here. The Talmud uses a Paul Harvey “rest of the story” type of postscript to pass clear judgment on which of the rabbis was in the right, and which was in the wrong. It gives two more examples of how Shammai treated “interesting” potential converts with his black and white uncaring approach, and how Hillel acted in caring manner, and was willing to meet them where they were. It then tells us:
Some time later the three met in one place; said they, Shammai's impatience sought to drive us from the world, but Hillel's gentleness brought us under the wings of the divine presence.
So, Na'ama, hold on to that. Continue to follow Hillel's path. Continue to show a caring attitude towards others, continue to exhibit a sense of true humility, and hold on to the understanding that most issues are not black and white, rather gray. This will put you on Hillel’s path of success in a way that truly matters. You will, on balance make good choices, and will truly make a difference in the world.
What do we wish for our kids? Well, we hope that along with the inevitable mistakes they will make, and the lessons they will hopefully learn from them, they will on balance make the right choices. The million dollar question is, what qualities do they need to have so this does, in fact, happen?
For starters, they need intelligence and creativity, which I can tell Na’ama has. The thing is, that that is just not enough. After all, the financial crisis we are still in was caused by a bunch of really intelligent and (overly) creative people. They used those very qualities in spades, made some really bad choices, and got us all into a huge mess.
So what else is crucial to make sure that you can mostly make good choices? Well, you need a few qualities, that again, from spending time with Na’ama, I can tell she has: a caring attitude towards others, a sense of true humility, and the understanding that most issues are not black and white, rather gray.
There is a wonderful story in the Babylonian Talmud (Shabbat 31a) that exemplifies just this point in word and deed:
Once there was a gentile who came before Shammai, and said to him: "Convert me on the condition that you teach me the whole Torah while I stand on one foot”. Shammai pushed him aside with the measuring stick he was holding. The same fellow came before Hillel, and Hillel converted him, saying: “That which is despicable to you, do not do to your fellow; this is the whole Torah, and the rest is commentary, now go and learn it.”
Shammai shows that he is pretty much a black and white kind of guy. It is my way or the highway with him, and it is difficult to say that he is acting humbly or in a caring manner. Hillel, on the other hand, has one hard and fast black and white rule – treat others as you want to be treated. Now, says Hillel, go figure out the details on your own; life is mostly gray, after all. This demands true humility, because when you tell someone to go figure it out, it means they may find different answers than you did. They may end up using a slightly different measuring stick, when it comes to the nitty-gritty. Hillel is totally OK with that. Hillel, in his actions, shows that he is not just talk, he actually is very caring. He treats others as he would want to be treated. He lives what he preaches.
The postscript of this story, and the very fact that it has one, is fascinating. The Talmud is a book of discussions, and it goes back and forth, back and forth. Many times it does not give clear and consistent rulings even on issues of law. Not here. The Talmud uses a Paul Harvey “rest of the story” type of postscript to pass clear judgment on which of the rabbis was in the right, and which was in the wrong. It gives two more examples of how Shammai treated “interesting” potential converts with his black and white uncaring approach, and how Hillel acted in caring manner, and was willing to meet them where they were. It then tells us:
Some time later the three met in one place; said they, Shammai's impatience sought to drive us from the world, but Hillel's gentleness brought us under the wings of the divine presence.
So, Na'ama, hold on to that. Continue to follow Hillel's path. Continue to show a caring attitude towards others, continue to exhibit a sense of true humility, and hold on to the understanding that most issues are not black and white, rather gray. This will put you on Hillel’s path of success in a way that truly matters. You will, on balance make good choices, and will truly make a difference in the world.
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