Hineni – I’m Ready

Sunday afternoon, I officiated Rachel and Will’s wedding ceremony, at the 1899 Farmhouse, in Princeton, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Spend enough time with Rachel and Will, and you might forget their age. They have a level of wisdom, that seems beyond their years. You might say they are old souls. For me, this is particularly disconcerting, since I taught Rachel in high school! Don’t worry, though, just ask them where they met, and you snap right back, well conscious of their age cohort. That’s right, Jasmine’s Hookah Bar. Damn millennial hipsters…

Seriously, though, what really stands out about Rachel and Will, what makes me think of them as not only old souls, but kindred spirits, is the level of self-examination they have engaged in. Their honesty in following their minds and their hearts to where that self-examination took them is noteworthy and commendable.

I always try to be mindful of Alice Roosevelt’s description of her father, Teddy, of whom she said, “He was the bride at every wedding, the corpse at every funeral”. I try to keep it about the couple. However, one of the reasons that I admire Rachel and Will and feel like we are kindred spirits is that I, too, went through a journey that has many similarities to theirs. They are just a little smarter than me, since they went through similar philosophical transformations much earlier in life than I did! Apparently, unlike them, I’m just a little slow.

Why is this important? Many people go through life, accumulate degrees, titles and prestige, but never really get to know themselves. They are too busy running the rat race, acquiring that one additional shiny object, reaching for one more brass ring. Try to have a meaningful conversation with them, though, and there is no “there” there. It’s all surface deep. And they keep running and running and running.

Then, one day they hear a voice. The Bible imagines such instances. Abraham hears a voice. Moses hears a voice. Notably, they are 75 and 80 years old, respectively, which is fine if you live to 175 and 120, respectively. In the world of reality, however, it’s a little too late. In this world, you may have won the race, acquired the shiny object, and the brass ring is firmly in your grasp. Meaning, however, has eluded you.

The Bible imagines Abraham and Moses using a specific single word, to signify that they understood what the voice was calling on them to do: “Hineni”. It’s difficult to adequately translate that single Hebrew word. In its most simple translation, it means, “I am here.” However, the context tells us that this not simple, but simplistic. In his haunting song, You Want It Darker, Leonard Cohen is more accurate, in his translation: “I’m ready.”

Hearing that song, and those words, I could not help but think of Rachel and Will. They each heard a voice, an internal calling, and they each said, “I’m ready,” embarking on a journey to think, contemplate and probe their truth. This journey took each of them to some uncomfortable places. Through this, though, they each found themselves and their meaning in life. They know themselves, deeply and thoroughly.

And, as these individual journeys proceeded, they embarked on a journey together, trying, along with their individual truths, to find their shared path in the world. Not surprisingly, this shared journey, which could not be separated from their individual journeys, was a little more complicated, and took a little longer.

They stand before you today, having completed their individual journeys and their shared journey. They know themselves and each other, as very few individuals and couples their age do. Now when they say, “I’m ready,” It is a very different, much deeper, much more mature statement.

Rachel speaks for both of them, when she says: “I know the person I am and the person I want by my side. The same person who stole my heart ten years ago… He is my knight in tin foil, my gentle giant, my companion, my best friend, and so much more. Words cannot do it justice. There’s no one else I’d want to go with on this adventure called life… We are ready to take that final step forward in solidifying ourselves to one another.”

The Value of Balance

Saturday evening, I officiated Rachael and Tony’s wedding ceremony, at the Canyon Creek Country Club, in Richardson, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

I ask every person I marry to write an autobiographical essay. In all the 800+ essays I have read, only one has included clearly demarcated subsections, as well as clearly demarcated italicized asides. She did not -- and I hope you hear the disappointment in my voice -- include footnotes, endnotes, or citations. I prefer APA style, for the record.

Now, you might think I mention this, just to get a laugh. How dare you?! I promise, I do have a point. This level of detail and order in writing about oneself indicates a high level of self-awareness. Self-awareness, wow. That may be one of the hardest to find commodities in today’s world.

There is a Hasidic tale about someone you might not expect to show up in a Hasidic tale: Napoleon. Bonaparte, not Dynamite. It is said that early on in his martial career Napoleon decided he would conquer the world. Then he says to himself, I should probably make sure I control Europe first. After thinking about it a little more, he decided it would be wise to make sure he thoroughly controlled all of France. He kept thinking, and he realized, that absolute control of Paris was vital before he tried to take possession of all of France. Finally, it hit Napoleon: He needed to make sure that he was in full control of himself before he went any further...

This logic is true not only for 18th-century revolutionaries, seeking to upend the world order. It is true for every relationship; and most of all for marriage. However, there is one big difference, aside from the fact that in marriage you don’t have to violate the Treaty of Westphalia. If you find the right person, you can become more self-aware through your relationship, and you can have an effect on your partner too.

Rachael illustrates this effect in her essay as it has played out in their relationship. She tells us that, “Antonio has a very straightforward approach to problems and situations, [which] helps him make quick and effective decisions, a skill which I admire and respect as it is not a skill I have myself. I am very concerned with making sure that no details or nuances are forgotten when making a decision. These approaches are complementary; when we make decisions together, I can help him slow down and think things through, and he can help me to reach a decision or resolution.”

Antonio seems to agree, as he tells us: “I will most often... jump into fixing [an] issue without thinking too long over it. Rachael, on the other hand, thinks about many different outcomes. We play off each other well.” Interestingly, these quotes side by side, illustrate, in their form, the very dichotomies they discuss: Specificity vs. brevity, accuracy vs. efficiency, and the great value of a balance between these qualities.

That’s why Rachael says: “Antonio is the person that I want to share the rest of my life with. I want us to approach our goals and challenges together, and share celebration in our successes, and raise the next generation of our family together, and when we’re both old and blind and senile, annoy the nursing home staff together.”

That’s why Antonio says, “I love adventuring with Rachael, exploring new places and... experiencing new things together. The joy on her face when she finds something she likes perfects even my worst days.” We should all be so lucky.

And You Shall Love

Tuesday afternoon, I officiated Wynter and Eric’s wedding ceremony, at Eric’s parents’ ranch, in Weatherford, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

When I sat down to write these remarks, I could not help but think of a fascinating passage in the Talmud, the foundational book of the Jewish faith. What the Ancient Rabbis of the Talmud often did was interpret or even reinterpret a biblical verse, and find in it additional meaning.

In this passage, they discuss a verse Jews recite twice a day: “And you shall love the Lord your God.” Now, on its surface, the verse seems pretty straightforward and simple. Love of God is foundational to the faith. One would expect devout adherents of the faith, like Wynter and Eric to love God. And, I think those who know Wynter and Eric, can attest to their love of God.

The Rabbis say that it has an additional meaning, “that you shall make the name of Heaven beloved.” How should one do so? One should do so, “in that he (should) read and learn.” OK, those are really important in Judaism, but how does that help make God beloved? The Rabbis continue, “And he should be pleasant with people...” OK, that sounds nice, but how does that make God beloved.

Simple, say the Rabbis. Whether justified or not, people connect your faith to your behavior. If you are an unpleasant person, they say, “It must be his faith.” Conversely, if you are a pleasant person, they say, “It must be her faith.” So by behaving well towards others you cause your faith and by extension your God to be loved or conversely not so.

When Wynter and Eric contacted me, before I even met them, I knew they were the type of devout people who cared for others, and it showed. They were planning their wedding, but they were thinking not just of themselves, but of others too.

While it was important to them to have a Jewish wedding, it was as important to them to have a wedding that their guests would feel comfortable attending. This is how you make God beloved.

What we hope and wish for you, Wynter and Eric, is that you continue to make God beloved, not only today, but throughout what we pray will be a long and love-filled marriage.

Wasabi

Saturday evening, I officiated Ramsey and Lorens’s wedding ceremony, at Sanders Hitch, in Fort Worth, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

I ask every person I marry, not only why they want to get married, but why now. Lorens’s answer is, um, interesting: “To me Ramsey is like Wasabi.” This may be the first groom of more than 400 to analogize his bride to a condiment. Stick with him, though. He explains that what he means is that she has a spicy nature, which keeps him on his toes, and “makes things interesting and joyful... Her kindness and genuine heart, and joi de vivre would win any man over.” And then like every good Jew he answers a question with a question, “Why wouldn’t I want to marry her now?”

When I asked Ramsey to write about herself, she did so in a way that very few people do. She wrote in the third person. To me this is very telling. I believe that it says that the person is able to step outside of herself, see the world from others’ points of view, and understand that there is something greater than what meets the eye. That type of thinking is crucial to a successful marriage, because central to marriage is the understanding that it’s not all about you.

Lorens embraced this wise idea early on, and it strengthened inside him, as he matured: “Since I was a kid, I always questioned why things are the way they are... I always enjoyed talking with men of science or of faith – especially Rabbis, trying to figure out why something was the way it was. I always felt the presence of God, but when I went to engineering school, I... had a new-found appreciation of existence.”

It is this shared deep consciousness that moves Ramsey to say, I didn’t seriously date for years because I was sure it was impossible for me to find someone a quarter of the man my dad is. I was lucky enough to find this in Lorens.”

This is why Lorens says, “I always tried to figure out who the right one was... life guided me to the answer I couldn’t have dreamt of.”