I Can’t Imagine

On Saturday, March 16th, I officiated Lindsey and Dan’s wedding ceremony at the Brook Hollow Golf Club in Dallas, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

I ask every person I marry to write an autobiographical essay. Though this is meant to help me get to know them better, eventually, the person they are marrying gets to read their essay too. 

With that in mind, you can immediately see how smart Dan is. He writes: “I moved to Dallas at the very end of 2021 from Michigan. Surfing the dating apps, Lindsey and I matched within the first few weeks of me living here. I remember seeing her picture and my jaw literally dropped. ‘Wow!’ I thought, ‘She’s beautiful!’”

Dan made a move, and Lindsey writes: “I was cautiously optimistic about getting together,” which is exactly what you want to hear, as a guy… Why cautiously? Lindsey continues: “Cautiously because he asked me to pick the location of the date, which gave me a little pause about how serious he was, but optimistic because he seemed like a great guy. My best friend Leigh encouraged me to give him a chance and I am so glad she did!”

Dan illuminates: “Since I’d just moved here, I didn’t really know any good spots to take her. I suggested she pick the spot and I would take her there… Thankfully for me, her friend told her to keep an open mind and go, and I’m glad she did. We met for a drink and talked for a few hours. The conversation was easy and I was excited to take her out again. And the rest, as they say, is history.”

There is an incredible lesson here. It might seem almost too obvious, but it is really hard sometimes in any relationship, professional or personal, romantic or platonic, to give the other person the benefit of the doubt. And yet, this might be the most important thing we have to do. 

This certainly worked out for Dan. He says, “Lindsey is an amazing woman and friend. She has a big heart for the people she loves and would do anything for them. She’s incredibly put together… She’s going to be an amazing parent. I’ve… felt with her… a closeness that I’ve never felt with anyone else. She’s also sneakily funny… At the end of the day, she just makes me really happy. I know that I’m a better version of myself when I’m around her, and she’s already improved the man I am…”

This certainly worked out for Lindsey, too. As she says: “I am so excited to get to marry Dan. I feel so at home with him, and I love the life we are building together. I wake up every day excited… I couldn’t imagine my life without Dan, and I feel so lucky that I met him at the right time in both of our lives… I feel so ready to commit our lives to each other because it feels like we already have… I can’t imagine creating any future memories without Dan and I am so excited to call him my husband…”

A Stoic/Rabbinic Virtue

On Saturday, March 2nd, Casey Grounds and I co-officiated Ross and Chad’s wedding ceremony at The Springs in Waxahachie, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

You really can’t make up how Ross and Chad’s love story begins. I don’t mean how they met; I mean their actual falling in love. Ross says: “Sounds kinda unorthodox, but I knew I first fell in love with Chad after spending time with each other and realizing I didn’t mind him breathing on me. Some context: Having people breathe on my face/neck is a big pet peeve of mine.” LOL, as the kids might say!

Truthfully, though, Ross and Chad’s story is a truly beautiful one. They met the old-fashioned way, IRL, specifically at a gaming convention. They more than noticed each other, but were dating others at the time, so it was not to be. 

Chad picks up the story from there: “We both ended the aforementioned relationships around the same time and when I returned from a dance competition early on Memorial Day weekend in 2015, I called him to set up a dinner date. I was IMMEDIATELY smitten. I did not want to push things too much but many of my friends and students can tell you that I was literally floating around for about the next 6-9 months!”

They became a couple and moved in together, but then came another stroke of luck/challenge. Ross fulfilled a dream of getting into dental school. In San Antonio. Ouch. They made the long-distance relationship work, though, and reunited upon Ross’s graduation. 

Ross says: “Chad proposed my first day working as a dentist while we were on a date at the same place we had our very first date, Kura Sushi. It felt like a long time coming, after being together for seven years and with a deep love for each other to this day.”

Now, hopefully you have picked up on this by this point in the ceremony, but Chad is Jewish. What you may not know is that Ross follows an ancient tradition too, Stoicism. And what Ross did not realize until I wrote these remarks is that I follow that tradition too. 

I was struck by this passage in the Epistles of Seneca (one of the three great Roman Stoics, along with Epictetus and Marcus Aurelius), because it seems to describe Ross and Chad and their relationship so beautifully: “Nature bore us related to one another … She instilled in us a mutual love and made us compatible … Let us hold everything in common; we stem from a common source. Our fellowship is very similar to an arch of stones, which would fall apart, if they did not reciprocally support each other.”

The Ancient Rabbis, like the Stoics, focused on virtue and action. They ask a question about love that might sound odd to us but would make much sense to the Stoics: What commandment does one fulfill through loving one’s romantic partner? Easy, say the Rabbis, “Love your fellow as yourself.” (Side note: In the Rabbis’ wording both partners are men.) Ross and Chad, what we wish for you is that you continue to enjoy the fulfillment of this Stoic/Rabbinic virtue for many many years to come.

Create an Open Household

On Saturday, January 20th, Nelson Head and I co-officiated Kim and Josh’s wedding ceremony at the Rosewood Mansion on Turtle Creek in Dallas, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Josh’s description of how he met Kim is fairly conventional. I mean, stop me if you’ve heard this one before: “I met Kim at a pumpkin carving party taking place at a co-resident’s house, where she happened to be a judge in our margarita contest.” (Pause for laughter.) OK, maybe not so conventional, after all…

This encounter did show that Josh was a forgiving man, though: “While she didn’t rank my margarita as #1, I was able to look past her mistake, and the rest of the night had an immediate spark. By the end of the night, I couldn’t wait to see her again and meet Gracie after talking most of the evening about her.”

Lest you think Josh is exaggerating about any part of this, particularly his lingering margarita related feelings, Kim backs him up: “Our first encounter was at a Halloween pumpkin carving party where no one ended up actually carving pumpkins. There was, however, a margarita making contest and to this day, Josh is insulted that I didn’t pick his as the best.”

So, what is it that makes Kim and Josh’s relationship work? I believe if you analyze it, you will see that it is a mixture, the right mixture of similarities and differences. 

Similarities? First of all, they are both not just medical professionals. For them, in light of their life experiences, medicine is a calling, a vocation; one might say they are true healers. They both absolutely, positively love Gracie, originally Kim’s, now their dog. As Kim says, “If a guy can love a dog that much then I’m pretty sure he’s a good guy.” Of course, this applies to her too.

Differences? Kim says that he can do chemistry, while she can’t. More relevant to day to day life, she says, “Josh loves to cook and I hate to. I like to clean, and he doesn’t.” Now, if you know Josh, you know she speaks the truth. Josh says: “I found myself learning how to cook from my mother and taking on the role of preparing dinner each night, sometimes more elaborate of a meal than a 16-year-old should be preparing… Continuing to cook for my friends, whether at high school reunions when we are all back in Miami, hosting Thanksgiving dinner with my father as my sous chef, or during a casual evening, cooking has become a way to show my love to those I care deeply about. Kim is still waiting for Josh to learn how to make sushi, though.”

The area of their faiths is another in which their differences have brought them together. This ceremony and the past few holiday seasons are a testament to this. As Josh says, “During our first holiday season together, I decorated my first Christmas tree and Kim lit her first Chanukiah. Getting to share each other’s traditions and talk about how we wanted to celebrate in the future and with a family was exciting and comforting—creating an open household that encourages diversity and celebrating multiple traditions.”

Kim and Josh, that is exactly what we wish for you. May your similarities and your differences continue to enliven your relationship, and may your household truly be a place of openness and diversity.

Brimming with Love

On Saturday, January 6th, I officiated Jamie and Ira’s wedding ceremony at the Carlilse Room in Dallas, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

The story of Jamie and Ira’s first date is so titillating, I almost hesitate to share it during a religious ceremony, but here goes. Jamie says, “Since it was the middle of the pandemic, we had our first date watching Sunday night football and passing the New York Times crossword back and forth in Ira’s backyard with the chairs 6 feet apart (I found out later he’d actually measured).” Wow. Quite risqué. Most couples don’t complete crosswords together, much less the mac daddy, the New York Times crossword, until the fifth or sixth date, at least. 

On a more serious note, Jamie hits on something profound regarding real love. Real love, unlike in the movies, is not about fireworks and grand gestures. It is about the simple things: “I feel immensely comfortable with and comforted by Ira. He’s thoughtful and really considers my needs, continually showing me how much he cares for me. He does small but meaningful things to make my life easier and less stressful every day, sometimes without me noticing until later. I love being able to do the same for him—I want to make his life better.”

So, how did they end up here today? Well, I’m gonna guess it was not Ira’s response when they first traveled together. Ira says, “I still remember our first trip… we went to Portland Oregon… I wanted to know if we were ‘travel compatible’… After dinner, we went to a rooftop bar, and Jamie said to me, ‘I could see us getting married.’ My response? ‘I don’t disagree.’ Note: Not the best time to use that phrase.”

Getting back to the question at hand, how did we end up here today? Ira says, “The answer is simple. it just feels right. She’s a good person who cares about doing right by everyone. Everything is easy.” This reminded me of the immortal words of the Zac Brown Band, “You make loving you easy. You make loving you all I wanna do. Every little smile, every little touch reminds me just how much it all makes loving you easy.”

And Jamie uses a word I have yet to hear regarding love, but I don’t know why because more people should. Between the crosswords and what she does for a living, I’m not surprised though: “I am brimming with love for Ira. I love his family and his friends, and I love that he’s become a dog person. (Shout out to Dennis!) I am happier when I am with him, and my love for him continues to grow. I am excited to continue building our life together, and I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with him… I want to stand up with Ira in front of our friends and family and share our love with all of them.”

My Life

On Friday, December 22nd, I officiated Lindsey and JD’s wedding ceremony at the Chapel at Gruene in New Braunfels, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Lindsey and JD met earlier than most couples. Lindsey elaborates: “JD and I met in elementary school. He lived down the street from me so we would always be around each other. His mom was a teacher at our elementary school, and I would be in her hallway most days after school, and I would see JD in her room. Or rather he would be around me and I would try to ignore him and talk to my friends. We were better friends in middle school, because we rode the same bus and we would sit next to each other in the same group of friends every day.”

JD picks up the story from there: “One day in my sophomore year of high school, I received a text that said, ‘When did you get cute?’ To my surprise, it was from Lindsey. Naturally we couldn’t stop texting each other and even facetimed through the night… For homecoming, we had already been asked by separate people, but we spent the entire football game and dance together, even though our dates were probably annoyed. We dated for a short time, but ended up parting ways because I was young and foolish. I… never quite got over… Lindsey.”

When I asked Lindsey why she wanted to marry JD, she said, “He's the best roommate I've ever had.” That is high praise from a woman, JD. I have been married for 30 years, and I am not sure my wife would say that about me! She continues, “I want to marry Junior because he is thoughtful, kind, adventurous, and complements me well. If there are things I find lacking in myself, like being extroverted, he is the opposite in a way that supports me and makes me better. He is also supportive in all things I do, sometimes playing devil’s advocate when I’d rather he just agreed with me but keeping me honest and realistic about things is also a great thing. I love him for who he is and how he makes me feel equally loved.” 

JD is effusive about why he wants to marry Lindsey: “Whenever I am stressed or worried, being around Lindsey is my comfort, my friend to talk to, my north star. I don’t care where life leads me, as long as she’s by my side, I know I’ll be okay. She’s caring, giving, beautiful, sweet, and above all loving to all things. She lights up any room she’s in, with her magnetic personality making everyone feel welcome. Her smile and laugh are contagious and addicting.”

JD adds one thing. He says that Lindsey is Chayim Sheli. Now literally, that means “my life”. However, it is also the title of a 2018 Hebrew song by Eden Ben Zaken.

Now, I don’t usually assign homework during a wedding ceremony, but you do owe to yourself to both watch the song on Youtube and Google the lyrics in English, but here is the snippet that I think JD was aiming for and which we should all aim for in our loving relationships. Listen carefully (to the English, at least):

אוי, אתה החיים שלי

איך שיש לי אותך

,מזל שיש לי אותך לידי

אוי, אתה החיים שלי

אני צועקת מול כולם

אתה האושר בעולם בשבילי

ואיך זה איתך כל בוקר הוא אושר

הלוואי שהזמן יעצור לתמיד

ואיך שבאת לרגע

ונשארת לנצח

אהבה לכל החיים

Oh, you are my life

How is it that I have you

I’m so lucky to have you

Oh, you are my life

I cry out before everyone

You are the world’s greatest happiness

And how is it that with you every morning is happiness

If only time could stop forever

And how is that you came for one moment

And have stayed for eternity

A love for the rest of my life

Seekers

On Saturday, December 2nd, I officiated Anita and Anthony’s Eastern Orthodox-Muslim wedding ceremony at Anita’s parents’ home in Plano, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests: 

What stands out to me the most about Anita and Anthony is that they embody the opposite of one of the deepest ideas of Henry David Thoreau. In Walden, Thoreau contends that “the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.” Mike Turitzin explains this idea thus: “We feel a void in our lives, and we attempt to fill it with things like money, possessions, and accolades. We think these things will make us happy.”

Tutritzin adds: “We lead lives of quiet desperation when we resign ourselves to dissatisfaction. Quiet desperation is acceptance of–and surrendering to–circumstances. Quietly desperate lives are frustrated, passive, and apathetic. They’re unfulfilled and unrealized.” Why do I say that Anita and Anthony embody the opposite of this idea? Because they are both seekers. 

Anita recounts her seeker journey growing up: “I plunged into prayer and reflection to understand God and the whys of life. My older brother and I purchased the best English-translated Qur’an we could and studied to understand our place… It was eye-opening to me that my non-Muslim friends believed in the same Higher Power but simply understood this Supreme Being differently. This shared, innate, and unifying belief in so many of my friends from different walks of life was so powerful and comforting through my college and young adult years. Continuing to delve into different philosophies, visiting various houses of worship, and learning more and more has humbled me so much but also brought me to connect to so many others!”

Anthony recounts his seeker journey, which began a little later in life: “I began investigating other religions… I began visiting Orthodox Christian Churches… Despite my oscillating I was always drawn back to the… Orthodox Church… Psalm 143 and G-d’s “unfailing love” has been an obsessive curiosity of mine for many years… I have continued to grow in the Church… I am… always learning new things about Church traditions. Even though I have grown firm in my belief I continue to enjoy learning about other religions and listening to religious debates and lectures from a wide variety of scholars and speakers.”

In this Anita and Anthony embody the mythical common father of our religions, Abraham, who the Bible and the Quran describe as the ultimate seeker, who through his seeking came to know God. Anita and Anthony, what we wish for you is that you continue your seeking journey, as individuals and as a couple, and that through your seeking you continue to grow in your understanding of the divine and its manifestation in your lives. 

That’s What I Want

On Saturday, November 18th, I officiated Aryn and Miles’ wedding ceremony at Shelton's Place in Lufkin, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests: 

Aryn and Miles’ relationship almost never started. As Aryn says, “We had mutual friends, one is a nurse who worked with me, and her fiancé at the time (now husband) is a police officer who worked with Miles. She was constantly telling me that I needed to meet Miles. The goofy, life of the party, reptile enthusiast, Miles. At the time I truly was not interested in meeting him.” Womp, womp, one might say…

“She does add, though, “Of course, I did meet him through work-related events. He would bring patients to the ER, and then take them to jail.” How romantic! It was, however, this type of interaction that brought them together. Miles brought in a patient, it wasn’t clear that he belonged there, and Aryn was going to give him a piece of her mind, or as Miles puts it, “Aryn took it upon herself to reach out to me and share some kind words about how she felt in regards to receiving said patient.”

Now, you may have heard that diamonds are a girl’s best friend. You are wrong. Miles says, “What’s often the best way to cheer up somebody who is quite vocally upset? Food. So, I thought I would try it on her. But not just any food, power rings (donuts) and kolaches. It worked and the rest is history.”

Aryn agrees: “From that day forward, Miles and I had a natural attraction and to my surprise had a lot in common. He was so easy to be myself around, we could carry on a conversation, we could be quiet and enjoy each other's presence, and best of all we could laugh. Laughing and being silly happens on a daily basis with us.”

Then Aryn invokes a very important concept: “You ask why I want to marry him and why now. It's simple, he’s my person!” What does that mean? Lisa Bonos writes, “The term was coined… on “Grey’s Anatomy” — to describe the deep bond between best friends Cristina Yang (Sandra Oh) and Meredith Grey (Ellen Pompeo)… It’s someone who understands what you’re thinking or feeling, no explanation required… Advocating for you and cheering you on — while also delivering tough love when needed.”

Someone’s person need not be their romantic partner, necessarily. But how beautiful it is when they are. They then fit this wonderful description from the movie Frances Ha: “It’s that thing when you’re with someone, and you love them and they know it, and they love you and you know it… but it’s a party… and you’re both talking to other people, and you’re laughing and shining… and you look across the room and catch each other’s eyes… but – but not because you’re possessive, or it’s precisely sexual… but because… that is your person in this life. And it’s funny and sad, but only because this life will end, and it’s this secret world that exists right there in public, unnoticed, that no one else knows about. It’s sort of like how they say that other dimensions exist all around us, but we don’t have the ability to perceive them. That’s – That’s what I want out of a relationship. Or just life, I guess.” Aryn and Miles, may you always be each other’s persons.