Strong Values

On Saturday, October 5, 2024, I officiated Hannah and Ben’s wedding ceremony at Cliff House in Dallas, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Sometimes these just kind of write themselves, with the lessons the bride and groom teach us well articulated in their own words. This is one of those times. 

Ben says: “I knew that my ideal partner would need to be independent and trusting in me and our relationship. Hannah is all of those things and more. She is an incredibly intelligent, funny, goofy, hardworking, loving, loyal, and passionate person. 

Our relationship is built on trust, and she is secure enough in our relationship and herself that she doesn’t always feel obligated to participate in things with me. Our relationship is both of us, as separate and independent individuals, choosing to combine and build a life together. 

I know that she will be an excellent mother to our children and an amazing life partner to spend the rest of my days with.”

Hannah says: “I desire to marry Ben because we have similar values. We are both traditional in many ways and hold our family and friends as a major priority in our lives. We have built a fantastic community of love surrounding us and share a similar sense of humor. We have a reservoir of silly inside jokes and jabs. 

I know I can rely on him to make decisions for us while considering my input. I trust him to take care of me and my family as well as loving them as if they are his own. Ben is so incredibly intelligent and kind. 

I love listening to him when he is passionate about a new idea. I may have no idea what he is talking about, but I can’t help but smile as he tells me all about it. 

I know he will protect our family and if something happened to me, he would be able to raise our future children in a loving home with strong values.”

Hannah and Ben, thank you for such clear well-articulated lessons. May you live those lessons in your individual lives, as a couple, and as future parents, for many years to come.

Whatever Gets You Going

On Sunday, September 29, 2024, I officiated Naomi and Alex’s wedding ceremony at the Springs Denton (The Lodge), in Aubrey, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

A little more than 600 weddings in, these remarks have never included product placements. Naomi and Alex’s story doesn’t really begin without one. We are not talking about a particularly romantic brand. Its motto is somewhat utilitarian: Whatever gets you going.

Naomi says: “We graduated high school in 2012 and fell out of touch all together. In 2015 my grandma came into town, and she needed (note “needed” not “wanted”) a soda and a lotto ticket, so we went to Race Trac. I saw Alex behind the counter and had butterflies instantly. He looked like a deer in the headlights. 

I didn't give him my number because I didn't want to in front of my grandma. I went back the next day, and he wasn't there, and I went every day for a whole week, and he wasn't there. A coworker of his told me on the sixth day he was out of town and would be back tomorrow for the graveyard shift. That night I went up there, gave him my number, and we started to date shortly after that.”

Can we pause for a minute for the co-workers who waited until she had visited six days before telling her he was out of town? What’s up with that?! Whatever gets you going apparently means whatever gets you coming back…

What Naomi and Alex teach us, though, is the importance of persistence, of showing up, of going after what you want to get, as individuals and as a couple. They also teach us the importance of acceptance and mutual growth and support. 

Indeed, when describing why she wants to get married, Naomi says: “My love for Alex since then has grown into such a strong, indescribable feeling. There is no one on this planet who accepts me and loves me like he does. There is no one I feel this safe with, that I can talk to like we do, and helps me grow each day like he does. He has helped me during my darkest times showing me there is a reason for everything and to always move forward. When I picture my future, I don't see anyone else but him… Alex radiates this happiness most people look for their whole lives. I love him so much.” 

And Alex says: “We have pushed each other to grow in ways that I do not think would have happened without each other. I have only become a better person since choosing to spend my life with her. She is simply the love of my life, and I can't imagine life without her. In my mind she is already my wife and has been for years… We know each other inside and out. Our love has only gotten stronger over the years... If there's one thing in this world, I'm sure of, it's my love for Naomi.”

Strength, Stability, and Peace

On Saturday, September 28, 2024, I officiated Stephanie and George’s wedding ceremony at the Carlisle Room in Dallas, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Stephanie and George’s meeting began pretty conventionally. Stephanie says: “George and I met online through Bumble. Since women message first on the app, I wanted to make an impression right off the bat. My very first message to George was sending him a random number and telling him to remember it. He was very confused about what this number meant and eventually I told him that the number I shared with him was my ring size. To be fair, I had seen a video on social media about the best pick-up lines for dating apps. This goes to show that you can always trust what you read on social media because here we are!”

George describes the setting: “We arranged our first date in Deep Ellum.” I feel like first date in Deep Ellum is definitely a different vibe than first date in downtown or uptown. “The connection was instant. I felt such a clear signal that there was something special between us. Possibly the funniest thing that we bonded over that night was how we both loved ketchup on pizza. I mean talk about find the One!”

George leaves out a crucial detail. Stephanie adds, “George decided to take me axe throwing for our first date. I was very excited to go but incredibly nervous that my throwing skills would make the axe turn into a boomerang.” Like I said, Deep Ellum is just a different vibe…

Stephanie adds about that night and what followed, “I knew George was the one when we immediately started dancing together, without even saying anything, and it felt like we had been dancing together for years. The more I got to know George, the more I fell in love with him. His genuineness and kindhearted spirit drew me in instantly.”

George says about that time, “We fell deeper and deeper in love. The more time we spent together, the more it just made sense and at some point, it became impossible to imagine a future without her in my life. Not only did I fall in love with Steph, but also her family and her history.”

Stephanie sums it up when she says, “I cannot wait to love him as a husband and a father to our children. He makes me the happiest person on the planet. My inner child and I feel safest when we are with him. Not only do we feel his love but also his support of working on my continual relationship with her.”

And George agrees, “I know that in Steph, I have found my soulmate and the person who completes me in ways I could have never imagined. She is a beautiful and radiant woman that loves making others laugh and sharing meaningful conversations and experiences. Her kindness is like no one else’s. She constantly reminds me that it’s okay to relax because life is better when it isn’t so serious. In her, I’ve seen so much strength, stability, and peace.”

Duty, Honor, Country

On Sunday, September 22, 2024, I officiated Alisa and Chris’ wedding ceremony, via Zoom, in Hofu, Japan. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Alisa and Chris are very matter of fact about how they or rather where they met. You might think, maybe they don’t realize that having met at United States Military Academy, known by us mere mortals as West Point, is a big deal. That is not my impression of them or of anyone who attends West Point. 

The very first time I spoke to Alisa, after all, she shared a fun fact about the USMA: half the first graduating class was Jewish. You might think that this is extraordinary given the small number of Jews in America at that time. Not really. The entire graduating class, she told me, were two students. That is a good warning never to let percentages throw you off. 

So, why are Alisa and Chris and many others who attend West Point so matter of fact about it? I believe this stems from their motto and honor code. The motto is simple, “Duty, Honor, Country.” The honor code is simple too, “A cadet will not lie, cheat, steal, or tolerate those who do.”

What lies at the core of these terse sayings? The same simple idea that lies at the core of most religions: It’s not about you. When reading these words, one cannot help but be reminded of the words of the 35th president, who had some difficulty with people getting past his religion, “Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.”

Now, you might be wondering, rabbi, seriously, what does this have to do with marriage? That is actually simple too, and you can see it in how Alisa and Chris treat each other. The deepest core idea of marriage is that it is not about you; it is about your spouse. And if you follow that, like Alisa and Chris do, you really have it made.

Happy Accident

On Saturday, September 21, 2024, I officiated Stephanie and Chris’ wedding ceremony at the Renaissance Dallas at Plano Legacy West Hotel in Plano, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Stephanie describes the genesis of this relationship as a happy accident: “I was looking for a date for a formal and as a modern young person I turned to Tinder. His picture came up and I swiped right on him and he sent me a message. Who knew it would be the best thing to ever happen to me? Something told me he was different than all the other people I had talked to and dated. He seemed to be quite clever and a good person.”

The attraction was mutual. As Chris says, “We initially met online, and quickly decided after communicating for a short time to go on a date. Our first date was when we really got to know each other… We… had a long and wonderful first date, near where we are getting married.”

The special feeling of that first date was mutual. As Stephanie says, “We went out on our first date and I had felt like I knew him for months when we had only been talking/FaceTiming for less than 2 weeks. When we met in person, I felt something I had never felt before. I felt a genuine connection and shortly after that date I asked him to my formal and we started dating.”

What is the secret of this relationship? Once you get to know Stephanie and Chris, it’s almost self-evident. They have each experienced hardships in life, hardships that have severely tested them. Despite these hardships they have persevered and even flourished. And their relationship has been a rock that has helped them persevere. They have mutually understood and supported each other through it all. 

This is why Chris says, “My love for Steph had only grown the longer we spent together.”  This is why Stephanie says, “I cannot wait to see what the future brings.”

Friendship and Unwavering Love

On Saturday, September 7, 2024, I officiated Alysa and Zach’s wedding ceremony at Second District Brew Farm in Milanville, Pennsylvania. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

None of us can really control how we meet our spouse, but if you end up doing it like Alyssa and Zach, consider yourself lucky.

Alyssa says: “Zach and I initially crossed paths as colleagues… Our interaction was minimal until an invitation to his department's team lunch prompted me to formally introduce myself. Despite Zach's reserved nature, I extended an invitation for drinks, recognizing his need for companionship in a new city. Our friendship blossomed as we explored Houston together, sharing our thoughts and experiences. I offered him guidance in navigating the dating scene, even as he contemplated his career trajectory and applied to business schools across the country.”

Zach pinpoints one significant aspect of their friendship: “She was so sweet and friendly but also someone who challenged how I saw the world.” That may be the most important thing a friend can do for another friend, but even more importantly romantic partners can do for each other. 

Alyssa continues: “Eventually, we both moved on from our company, with me securing a position in The Woodlands, Texas, and Zach finding employment in Stamford, Connecticut. Despite the physical distance, our bond remained strong, and occasional conversations kept us connected.” 

One thing led to another. Zach says: “Our hearts grew fonder for each other miles apart and eventually found ourselves dating each other in a long-distance relationship during COVID-19, something we both thought wouldn’t be possible when we were friends.”

What is the secret of their relationship today? Alyssa speaks for both of them when she says: “I found companionship and security in him… Zach is my best friend and my partner in crime. He regards me as someone whose ideas, feelings, and thoughts hold significance and validity. His kindness and patience are unwavering. With his sense of humor, warmth, and affection, he brings joy and comfort into my life. While he exudes self-assurance and competence, he remains humble and devoid of egotism. 

We share a deep connection on multiple levels. His playfulness and sweetness add a delightful dimension to our relationship. He is not just my best friend but also the greatest blessing in my life. His presence inspires me to continually strive to bring happiness to his life, and I am grateful every day that he chose me. Even in the face of adversity, I am confident that the foundation of our marriage—our friendship and unwavering love—will endure.”

Zach agrees: “Alyssa and I have been dating for several years and living together in Houston for almost two years. Our strong foundation as friends has transformed into a shared desire to be life partners. We’ve raised an amazing loving dog (Trevi) together and are looking to grow our small family and pass down our shared values to the next generation... I can’t imagine developing a family without Alyssa and I can’t wait to exchange our vows.”

Challenge Each Other

On Friday, August 23, 2024, I officiated Helen and Pavlo’s wedding ceremony at Esma Sultan Yalisi in Istanbul, Turkey. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

To say that Helen and Pavlo have dissident backgrounds might be the understatement of understatements. 

Helen says about her grandparents, that despite their distaste for organized religion, Jewish culture did play a significant role in their household and ethics. They were active in the anti-war and civil rights movement and had a strong sense of social responsibility. They were friends with members of the Black Panthers, Angela Davis, and Howard Zinn. They hosted Martin Luther King at their house in California a few weeks before he was killed. 

Jewish culture motivated this in many ways. They began a group called Individuals Against the Crime of Silence to oppose the war in Vietnam. Their reference point was the Holocaust and the Nuremberg Trials, and the fact that following orders or remaining silent could render an individual culpable.

Pavlo was raised Greek Catholic. His church was persecuted during the Soviet period and continued to exist underground. His paternal grandfather studied theology in the 1930s and was in touch with many clandestine church leaders. Pavlo’s father was part of the clandestine movement that was advocating for freedom of religion, human rights, and independence of Ukraine. 

In 1986 (Pavlo was 3 years old at that time) their home was searched, and his father was arrested. His parents were clandestinely married, and Pavlo was clandestinely baptized by a priest who had previously spent more than a decade in a Siberian prison and forced exile. So, for his family, their religious and national tradition is important; it is something they personally fought for. 

Pavlo presciently adds, “Perhaps there is a parallel between the Jews and Ukrainians—two peoples who survived while being under oppression, and who kept their traditions while lacking, for centuries, political sovereignty.” 

To many of you attending today, and to many who could not attend, this is not some kind of theoretical idea. It is very real. As we speak, Ukraine, under a Jewish president, fights not only for its political sovereignty, but for its life and the lives of its citizens.

And Helen and Pavlo have found the similarities and differences they share on an individual level just as enriching. They will tell you that they have spent days discussing faith and religion and Judeo-Christian relations. They disagree on most issues, which, to a large extent, helps them see things deeper, and ask questions they would have never asked otherwise.

They have both influenced one another and incorporated the other’s views into our own, even when they disagree. Helen’s Jewish background and her attention to her cultural heritage and traditions helps Pavlo understand many things about Christianity, which grew from a Jewish context. After all, Jesus was Jewish, not Ukrainian. Many parts of the Eastern Christian wedding liturgy were inspired by Jewish sources. So, in a sense, Helen’s secular Judaism and Pavlo’s Christianity are complementary—as are many of their other character traits, backgrounds, and tastes. 

Helen and Pavlo, may you continue to challenge each other to more clearly articulate your positions, may you continue to deeply respect one another, and may you always have fun in the process.