Such Kindness

Saturday evening, April 22, 2023, Father Dan Clayton and I co-officiated Lindsey and Justin’s wedding ceremony at the Stonebriar Country Club in Frisco, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

There are wonderful movies about weddings. To be honest, there are less than wonderful movies about weddings. The life-cycle event that there is a paucity of movies about is Bar and Bat Mitzvahs. 

There is one exception that proves the rule, and that is Keeping Up with the Steins, a little-known movie with some very well-known stars. The opening scene, which instigates the drama the movie revolves around, has the Bar Mitzvah boy being pulled into the banquet hall by two very attractive women, on a very realistic model of the Titanic’s bow, his hands stretched wide, screaming, “I’m king of the Torah!”

Now, if you thought that Keeping Up with the Steins has no real-life analogue, you are sorely mistaken. In fact, its release date, May 12, 2006, is downright suspicious. Somebody here might be owed some money. 

Here’s Lindsey: “I was bat mitzvahed in August of 2005 at Shearith Israel in Dallas (the theme was Lindsey’s luau, and my uncles and family friends carried me out on a surfboard).” QED, as the attorneys here might say. Folks, this was all a very long and elaborate way of saying that the reception today is gonna be LIT! 

I love this couple’s approach to their faiths. Lindsey says, “I was always spiritually curious. The facts were never good enough. I always wanted the background and history, the why and the how.” 

That is about the most quintessentially Jewish statement I have ever heard. In fact, the foundational book of our faith – no, not the Bible – the Talmud, is basically an edited form of a bunch of guys taking that approach. Incidentally, this helps explain why the second-best profession, as far as Jewish parents are concerned, is lawyer. Doctor is obviously still number one. Sorry, Lindsey. 

Here’s what Justin says, “She inspires me to be a better man, helps me grow in my faith, and never fails to love stronger than anyone I know. I am so excited to enter into this covenant together.” 

Now, if you analyze that at surface level, it might confuse you. You might think that marrying someone of another faith would weaken you in your faith or, at the very least, be neutral in that respect. 

You would be mistaken. I cannot tell you how many of the couples I have worked with have told me something like what Justin did, that their partner of another faith has strengthened their faith. 

How? Here’s the secret: Justin says, “Our marriage is something that Lindsey and I have discerned intensely for quite some time. I wholeheartedly believe that she and I are, at risk of sounding overly cheesy, meant to be.”

In this, Justin, unconsciously invokes a common Jewish folk idea, contained in that rich Yiddish word, bashert. The Oxford Dictionary defines this word, as “a person's soulmate, especially when considered as an ideal or predestined marriage partner.” 

Now, Judaism (and Catholicism) don’t really believe in predestination, but what Lindsey says does make me wonder: “He knows what I need before I do and can read me the way no one has ever been able to.” She does add, “He isn’t too shabby looking either. I am biased but I think he’s gorgeous.” Folks, she ain’t lyin, so as my kids might say, “Nuff said.” Let’s get this show on the road!”

A Fine Example

Yesterday (3/21) I officiated Vanessa and Nathan’s wedding ceremony at the Marty Leonard Chapel in Fort Worth, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

 

It's quite interesting; anecdotally the most common partner for a Jew to have in an interfaith relationship is a Catholic. I don't think anyone has established, through any type of academic study, why this is. However, people have offered different theories.

Now, when we take a look at Vanessa and Nathan specifically, we find an interesting relationship that each of them has with their respective faiths. Here is how Nathan, for instance speaks of his Jewish educational experience, "Going to Sunday school and Hebrew school was not my choice... Had I been given the choice, I probably would have skipped out on both... My Bar Mitzvah... was a pain in the butt... Learning to read Hebrew without vowels was akin to pulling teeth." However, Nathan admits, "I am glad I was forced to go. It was helpful in my spiritual growth."

Now, Vanessa is not as colorful as Nathan. (Shocker!) However, she does not exactly go with the flow either. Though much of her education was in Catholic schools, she states, "My personal spiritual beliefs are always evolving... At this point in my life, I am much more comfortable having a personal relationship with God, rather than relying on a particular religion to tell me what it is I should believe and how I should believe it... I witness God’s presence in the world every moment."

So, it is not surprising that when you talk to this Jewish boy and this Catholic girl about what aspects of their respective faiths they most treasure, you get similar answers. What they most treasure are the interpersonal values their faiths teach. What they most treasure is how their faiths inspire them to conduct themselves in the world as good, honest, ethical people. What they most treasure about their faiths is how they emphasize not right beliefs, but right living.

This is where modern liberal Judaism and post Vatican II Catholicism find so much common ground. Don't worry so much about dotting the "i"s and crossing the "t"s of dogma. Don't fret over the fact that someone somewhere does not share your specific articles of faith. Do worry that there is injustice in the world. Do fret over the fact that many people everywhere are genuinely suffering.

It is this approach, right living as paramount, and making this world a better place as a priority, that perhaps brings so many Catholics and Jews together. It definitely brings Vanessa and Nathan together. In that, it makes them a fine example for their peers to follow.

Hillel’s Lessons in Word and Deed

About a month ago I officiated a Bat Mitzvah celebration for a young lady named Na’ama. It was not your typical Bat Mitzvah celebration. (If you have not yet noticed, typical is not what I am really into…) The celebration’s focal point was Na’ama herself leading a study session on the topic “A Celebration of Multiple Identities and the American Spirit”. She discussed how her namesake, the queen of Israel, exemplified the celebration of multiple identities and how George Washington in his letter to the Jews of Newport emphasized this very same idea. The gist of what I shared with her and her guests, in my personal remarks, follows:

What do we wish for our kids? Well, we hope that along with the inevitable mistakes they will make, and the lessons they will hopefully learn from them, they will on balance make the right choices. The million dollar question is, what qualities do they need to have so this does, in fact, happen?

For starters, they need intelligence and creativity, which I can tell Na’ama has. The thing is, that that is just not enough. After all, the financial crisis we are still in was caused by a bunch of really intelligent and (overly) creative people. They used those very qualities in spades, made some really bad choices, and got us all into a huge mess.

So what else is crucial to make sure that you can mostly make good choices? Well, you need a few qualities, that again, from spending time with Na’ama, I can tell she has: a caring attitude towards others, a sense of true humility, and the understanding that most issues are not black and white, rather gray.

There is a wonderful story in the Babylonian Talmud (Shabbat 31a) that exemplifies just this point in word and deed:

Once there was a gentile who came before Shammai, and said to him: "Convert me on the condition that you teach me the whole Torah while I stand on one foot”. Shammai pushed him aside with the measuring stick he was holding. The same fellow came before Hillel, and Hillel converted him, saying: “That which is despicable to you, do not do to your fellow; this is the whole Torah, and the rest is commentary, now go and learn it.”

Shammai shows that he is pretty much a black and white kind of guy. It is my way or the highway with him, and it is difficult to say that he is acting humbly or in a caring manner. Hillel, on the other hand, has one hard and fast black and white rule – treat others as you want to be treated. Now, says Hillel, go figure out the details on your own; life is mostly gray, after all. This demands true humility, because when you tell someone to go figure it out, it means they may find different answers than you did. They may end up using a slightly different measuring stick, when it comes to the nitty-gritty. Hillel is totally OK with that. Hillel, in his actions, shows that he is not just talk, he actually is very caring. He treats others as he would want to be treated. He lives what he preaches.

The postscript of this story, and the very fact that it has one, is fascinating. The Talmud is a book of discussions, and it goes back and forth, back and forth. Many times it does not give clear and consistent rulings even on issues of law. Not here. The Talmud uses a Paul Harvey “rest of the story” type of postscript to pass clear judgment on which of the rabbis was in the right, and which was in the wrong. It gives two more examples of how Shammai treated “interesting” potential converts with his black and white uncaring approach, and how Hillel acted in caring manner, and was willing to meet them where they were. It then tells us:

Some time later the three met in one place; said they, Shammai's impatience sought to drive us from the world, but Hillel's gentleness brought us under the wings of the divine presence.

So, Na'ama, hold on to that. Continue to follow Hillel's path. Continue to show a caring attitude towards others, continue to exhibit a sense of true humility, and hold on to the understanding that most issues are not black and white, rather gray. This will put you on Hillel’s path of success in a way that truly matters. You will, on balance make good choices, and will truly make a difference in the world.