Energy, Peace, and Healing

The evening of December 30, 2022, I officiated Alicia and Jonnie’s wedding ceremony at Rancho Shibumi, in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Alicia and Jonnie, in old-school fashion, did not meet through an app. Alicia says: “I was with friends at a bar. Jonnie and I spotted each other across the room and kept making eye contact throughout the night. A girlfriend of mine asked me if there was anyone I had my eye on. I pointed to Jonnie, and she immediately said, ‘I know him,’ and ran over to say hello. I followed her over, Jonnie and I met, and the rest was history.” Jonnie describes the moment in cinematic terms: “Alicia and I spotted each other across the bar, and I think we both immediately just knew.” 

Jonnie elaborates on how this moment was more than a moment: “From the day I met Alicia it was clear that she was special – she had the biggest heart and the most radiant smile… We’ve been through a ton together… and I truly don’t know what I would do without her…” 

Alicia describes the moment they cemented their relationship. A relationship that began with a cinematic moment could only be cemented with another such moment. Naturally, for their engagement, they traveled to the south of France. 

Here is the fascinating thing about the south of France, and I do not know if Alicia and Jonnie were aware of this, but with their religious heritages, I am not sure there could be a more appropriate place for their engagement. 

Though, we, as Americans may not realize this, France is home to the third-largest Jewish population in the world. And Jews the world over interact with the French rabbis of old, daily, in the study of the Torah and Talmud.

Though Alicia and Jonnie identify as Jews and look forward to raising a Jewish family, they also have meaningful connections to Catholicism. Jonnie’s mother grew up Hindu but attended Catholic schools, and Alicia, herself, grew up Catholic.

The south of France has a unique Jewish-Catholic story. As French Jewish life succumbed to ongoing persecution, in one area of France, though not fully spared of prejudice, they were able to persist, under the protection of a unique ruler, the head of the Catholic Church. 

We often forget that the smallest country in the world, today, Vatican City, is a remnant of a much larger territory, which was ruled by the Pope, and which for hundreds of years included the south of France. Even when the Jews were hounded out of France’s other regions, the “Pope’s Jews” as they were nicknamed, remained in that area. 

Under the Pontiff’s protection, they developed a unique dialect and unique religious practices, until they, with the Jews of the rest of France, were fully liberated by Napoleon and began to enjoy Liberté, Egalité, Fraternité.”

And so, part of me imagines that when Alicia says that that trip was one she will never forget, it is not just the romance of a proposal that made her and Jonnie feel that way. Perhaps, with their unique background, their subconscious sensed some of the same “energy, peace, and healing” that Alicia found standing in Jerusalem.

Regardless, without that moment in the former realm of the Pontiff, we would not be standing here today. As Alicia says, “It was the happiest moment of my life. I know the love that we have for each other will only grow more every day.” And Jonnie agrees, “She’s my best friend and I can’t wait for all the new exciting things in store for us together.”

Surprise Rabbi and Good People

Saturday evening, I officiated Allison and Michael’s wedding ceremony at the Stroudsmoor Country Inn, in Stroudsburg, Pennsylvania. This ceremony featured an interesting twist. I only revealed I was a rabbi a few minutes in. Here is the explanation for that, taken from the ceremony:

As you may know, like many folks on Staten Island, Allison and Michael were brought up Catholic. It seemed only natural that they would get a Catholic priest to officiate their wedding, and that like all Catholic weddings, it would include the Lord’s Prayer, the Prayers of the Faithful, and the Nuptial Blessing, as I just did.

However, Michael was actually brought up in two traditions. His father is Catholic and his mother is Jewish. So, Allison and Michael thought it would be nice to honor Michael’s heritage and Michael’s father by having a rabbi co-officiate with the priest, and include various Jewish traditions.

Wouldn’t it be cool, though, thought Michael, if they kept this a secret, had the priest begin the ceremony, and then had the rabbi make a dramatic surprise entrance, a few minutes in? They even found a rabbi who was just crazy enough to agree to this hairbrained scheme.

You may wonder why I have not mentioned the priest’s name. Well, that is because, oddly, he pulled out once he heard he would be co-officiating with a rabbi, and they hadn’t even shared Michael’s idea with him. His loss, if you ask me.

So, your average couple would have given up on the “pull the rabbi out of a hat scheme,” but not this couple. They asked me if I would take the place of the priest and just start off the wedding until the rabbi makes his entrance.

Now, you may be asking yourself, why did I ruin the surprise with that explanation. Well, there is one detail that I did leave out. I am the rabbi.

And here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Over the past few months, I have been privileged to get to know Allison and Michael. I quite deliberately use that word. Because though I have only known them for a short while, I feel like each of them, is the kind of person that you might use this grammatically odd colloquialism to define: Oh, Michael? He’s good people. Oh, Allison? She’s good people.

And I believe that even if you happened to crash this wedding, you would get a feel for that. I mean, not everyone can get this many people to cross state lines in a pandemic to come to a wedding. Some of you even had to go through New Jersey. Yikes!

So, what does it take to be “good people”? You may think that I would cite an answer from the Torah or the Talmud. Nope. Here is the basic answer from Kyle Robbins, the founder of – I swear I am not making this up, Michael – “Branding Beard”: “Being a good person is not hard, but it doesn’t just happen. As much as anything else, you have to want to be a good person and make choices that correspond with your beliefs… Here are 15 simple traits of a truly good person.”

Now, I am not going to list all 15. I’m not even 100% sold on all 15, and like I said this is not holy writ. However, some of these really define Allison and Michael:

They are honest in relationships.

They compliment others when deserved.

They are kind to everyone.

They think of others.

They go the extra mile.

They are kind to loved ones.

They smile.

They make the best out of every situation.

They don’t take things for granted.

Here’s the fascinating thing: This is not only a good answer to what makes you good people. If you were to ask what might make you successful in marriage, you couldn’t go that wrong if you were to use the same list.

This is why I agree with Michael when he says, again, I swear I am not making this up, “I feel like we pair together better then peanut butter and jelly, or butter on popcorn.” This is why I believe Allison when she sums up their ten years together, so far, saying, “I wouldn’t change anything in the way it played out.” These good people will definitely make not a good, but a great marriage.

Patience

Saturday afternoon Father Mannie Pierre and I co-officiated Danielle and Mikey’s wedding ceremony at the Waterville Estate in Sante Cruz, Trinidad and Tobago. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

I ask every couple not only why they want to get married, but why now. I emphasized to Danielle and Mikey, that I ask every couple to address this, just so they wouldn’t take this question as an indictment. Because I’m sure they have heard the question, with just that in mind. 

I say, let’s indict the question, not the couple. I think there might be something to learn there. And I think this speaks to a larger phenomenon in our society. 

One of the most pernicious phenomena in my nation, the United States of America, is our lack of patience. We want it now. And now has become such a standard that we have come to assume it to be the norm. Naturally, I am writing this in a Starbucks, and the barista literally apologized three times, because they were low on blonde roast, and I had to wait five minutes for my coffee. It’s six weeks later, and I have only begun to recover...

Unfortunately, we have exported this pernicious phenomenon not only to our neighbor to the north, but to our neighbors here to the south. Just listen to Marissa Williams, a Trinidadian writer, whose family was very close to the great Trinidadian poet, Anson González: “We have become a society that seems to reject beautifully crafted prose and lyrics in lieu of attention grabbing headlines and one paragraph sensationalized stories and pictures. Our voracious informational appetites has (sic) us almost addicted to ‘Google’ searches and social media outlets, spending more time skimming headlines and pictures and less time appreciating and digesting well written prose and poetry.”

This is why I appreciate the fact that Danielle and Mikey have taken their time, and carefully crafted their love story. Listen to how Danielle describes the result of this patience:

“Our relationship is one that has been built on communication and mutual respect. We work at listening to one another... We bring out the best in one another. We work as a team. When one of us has a success, the other shares in it and when one of us is saddened, the other shares in this burden. We offer each other support, comfort, laughter, and tough love when it’s needed... We share the same values and strive daily to embody these. We give each other space to grow and to evolve. We know and appreciate one another’s vulnerabilities.”

Mikey highlights the fact that their relationship was long distance for much of those ten years. He emphasizes how much it was worth the wait:

“We had... to make it through the long distance, keep doing what was best for us individually... and be patient to allow our relationship to succeed for the rest of our lives and not just for a couple years. It was not easy and we both struggled... But we never gave up because we couldn’t; she was everything to me and continues to be.”

This patience makes today so much more meaningful. As Danielle writes: “Now, after nearly 10 years, after having seen each other through so many life phases and so many highs and lows, I have never been more sure of anything… he is the love of my life, my most treasured gift, and the greatest life partner I could ever ask for.”

And Mikey sums it up: “I am ready to commit to her, her parents, her family and friends that I will be there for her and support her for the rest of my life.”

Do Justice, Love Goodness, Walk Modestly

Saturday night, I officiated Paige and Zach’s wedding ceremony at the Balcony Ballroom, in Metairie, Louisiana. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

I began by introducing myself as a rabbi, and hopefully by this point in the ceremony, I have backed up this claim. What if I told, though, that one of the other people standing here could have ended up in my place? No joke; listen to what Zach says: “As a boy, my Judaism was a large part of my life. I went to Hebrew school on Saturdays, Judaica [classes] on Wednesdays and I sang Hebrew around the house for fun... My family… thought that I was going to be a Rabbi!” Now, many kids barely last through their Bar Mitzvah, but Zach continued through Confirmation, and attended weekly Hebrew High School classes for his entire time in high school.

Paige was no slouch either. She says: “Both my sisters and I went to catholic school from kindergarten until senior year of high school. During this time, I was taught all about the Catholic religion… in school and during my daily life. I received the sacraments of Baptism, Reconciliation, Holy Communion, and Confirmation.”

Now, you might wonder why I am emphasizing these parts of Paige and Zach’s biographies. I’ll tell you why. Because for Paige and Zach it didn’t stop there. They understood the message of their upbringing, that the ritual aspects of their faiths were a starting point, not an end point. They absorbed the underlying imperative of our faiths, so beautifully stated by Pope Francis, “Many think differently, feel differently, seeking God or meeting God in different ways. In this crowd, in this range of religions, there is only one certainty that we have for all: We are all children of God, we believe in love.”

Paige and Zach understand that this is not just a statement of faith; it is a call to action. What action? The prophet Micah told us 2,700 years ago. The people ask him: “With what shall I approach the Lord, do homage to God on high? Shall I approach Him with burnt offerings… Shall I give my first-born?” And Micah simply answers, “He has told you… what is good, and what the Lord requires of you: Only to do justice, and to love goodness, and to walk modestly with your God.”

The values of justice and goodness and modesty are what Paige and Zach absorbed, as they grew and matured spiritually, and this is what they brought to each other and to their relationship. This is why Zach says, “I feel she makes me a genuinely better person… I am so happy when I am with her.” This is what causes Paige to say, “I love this man and I count myself lucky to have him… He is everything I… ever wanted… I look forward to the coming years together.”

Man Plans and God Laughs

Saturday evening, Deacon Keith Boswell and I co-officiated Jordana and Eric's wedding ceremony at Villa Siena in Gilbert, Arizona. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

One approach to interfaith relations, between spouses, between friends, even between communities, is to gloss over differences. There are even couples that choose to strip their wedding ceremony of any religious traditions, and have an officiant who is not identified with any religious tradition. Now, if you know anything about Jordana and Eric, you know that is not them.

One fascinating but easy to overlook difference between them is how they each speak of their coming together in relation to any preconceived planning they had in finding a soulmate. Eric, as a staid Midwestern Catholic, simply says that falling in love with Jordana was God's plan for him. The red headed New York Jew standing here beside him, with a twinkle in her eye, does not necessarily dispute this. She does, however, invoke an old Yiddish aphorism, der mentsh trakht un got lakht, דער מענטש טראַכט און גאָט לאַכט, man plans and God laughs.
 

 

Seriously, though, recognizing that planning for your relationship is necessary is one of the best lessons that Jordana and Eric teach us. As Eric says, "We needed some extra time due to our different religious backgrounds to make sure we could have a happy and fulfilled life together." Now, once you don't gloss over your religious differences, and instead acknowledge them, that has the potential of helping you plan for and deal with the host of other differences EVERY couple will (not may, WILL) have. As Jordana say, "I think our pre-marriage differences have helped prepare us for all the unpredictabilities before us in marriage."

Now even if you don't gloss over your differences, religious or otherwise, you can still think of differences as obstacles to overcome. Some view differences in many types of relationships, personal and professional, in just that way. Not Jordana and Eric, though. They see their differences as tools they can use for growth, as individuals and as a couple. As Jordana says, "We have grown to have a deeper appreciation of our differences, and instead of letting those differences divide us, they have only enriched (us)..."

And a funny thing happens when you follow this approach. The very recognition and embracing of our differences often shows us that in their essence, the cores of our ideas are actually closer than we thought. As Eric says, "We came to realize there are many similarities in the foundations of the two religions in regards to how they teach you to lead your life and... treat others." 

 

This allows us to form bonds much closer than we could ever have, as Jordana says, "My relationship with Eric has grown to be quite different from (the) early days. Today, I feel that I have a lifelong partner, a friend, a silly fool who can always make me laugh, right by my side." And it allows us to recognize the very core of those we love. As Eric says, "Jordana has such a big heart and has so much love to give... She’s... thoughtful and compassionate… She’s beautiful inside and out. I know she will make a great wife and a great mother... This is exactly the kind of person I want to be with for the rest of my life and I feel blessed to have found her!"

A Fine Example

Yesterday (3/21) I officiated Vanessa and Nathan’s wedding ceremony at the Marty Leonard Chapel in Fort Worth, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

 

It's quite interesting; anecdotally the most common partner for a Jew to have in an interfaith relationship is a Catholic. I don't think anyone has established, through any type of academic study, why this is. However, people have offered different theories.

Now, when we take a look at Vanessa and Nathan specifically, we find an interesting relationship that each of them has with their respective faiths. Here is how Nathan, for instance speaks of his Jewish educational experience, "Going to Sunday school and Hebrew school was not my choice... Had I been given the choice, I probably would have skipped out on both... My Bar Mitzvah... was a pain in the butt... Learning to read Hebrew without vowels was akin to pulling teeth." However, Nathan admits, "I am glad I was forced to go. It was helpful in my spiritual growth."

Now, Vanessa is not as colorful as Nathan. (Shocker!) However, she does not exactly go with the flow either. Though much of her education was in Catholic schools, she states, "My personal spiritual beliefs are always evolving... At this point in my life, I am much more comfortable having a personal relationship with God, rather than relying on a particular religion to tell me what it is I should believe and how I should believe it... I witness God’s presence in the world every moment."

So, it is not surprising that when you talk to this Jewish boy and this Catholic girl about what aspects of their respective faiths they most treasure, you get similar answers. What they most treasure are the interpersonal values their faiths teach. What they most treasure is how their faiths inspire them to conduct themselves in the world as good, honest, ethical people. What they most treasure about their faiths is how they emphasize not right beliefs, but right living.

This is where modern liberal Judaism and post Vatican II Catholicism find so much common ground. Don't worry so much about dotting the "i"s and crossing the "t"s of dogma. Don't fret over the fact that someone somewhere does not share your specific articles of faith. Do worry that there is injustice in the world. Do fret over the fact that many people everywhere are genuinely suffering.

It is this approach, right living as paramount, and making this world a better place as a priority, that perhaps brings so many Catholics and Jews together. It definitely brings Vanessa and Nathan together. In that, it makes them a fine example for their peers to follow.

It's Not about You

Yesterday (10/17) I co-officiated Mark and Katie’s wedding ceremony with Father Chris Weber at the Immaculate Conception Catholic Church in Willoughby, Ohio.

Interestingly this very idea resonates with Katie and Mark in the way they live their lives. They are genuinely curious individuals, who try to learn from everyone they interact with, and every situation they encounter. So I wondered to myself, what is it that has allowed them to acquire this vital trait. Could it be the fact that between them they have more degrees than a thermometer? Perhaps. Then again, we all know people who are very well educated in the conventional sense of the word, while also making it clear that, in their eyes, they have nothing left to learn...

So, I continued to wonder, and I found a more promising clue. Maybe it was that they both grew up in households with proud religious and cultural traditions. Katie grew up in the Catholic tradition, and Mark, in an interfaith household, as Mark’s dad, Howard, is Jewish and his mom, Mary, is Lutheran. Perhaps. Then again, there are people that are very much connected to their traditions, and still, sometimes even because of that very fact, seem to have all the answers...

Then I hit on it. It was a different aspect of their traditions, specifically how their parents raised them in those traditions. As you have probably noticed by now, these two grew up in very different religious backgrounds. The actual approach to religion itself was different in each household. However, there is one common thing that really stands out in how they discuss their families' and their own differing approaches to religion. Both of them say that when you get down to brass tacks, what is really important is to be good to other people.

Now, when you really and truly believe that that is the only absolute, you understand probably the most important foundational tenet of the good life: It's not about you.

Now, once you get that, the logical extension is that you probably don't have all the answers. The logical extension of that is that if you pay attention, you might just learn something.

This is why Mark will tell you that from his first interaction with Katie, he felt this incredible ease. She was easy to talk to, she made him immediately comfortable. Without even mentioning this concept, he got it: she did not think it was all about her. Katie knew the same about Mark. She had a cool telling question she had asked a number of guys: What is your favorite song? Other guys were happy to tell her, but that was it. Mark told her, and then asked her what her favorite song was. It was immediately clear to her. This guy knows, that it is not all about him.

You see the cool thing about being raised with the understanding that it's not all about you, and really internalizing it, is that counter intuitively it ends up influencing YOU more than anyone else. It makes YOU a better person, and a better partner. When you find a partner that shares this perspective, differences matter a whole lot less, because on this one issue, from which most values derive, you are on the same page.

Katie shared with me that her close friend, Lil, for whom she cared in her last years of life, told her that there was a guy out there who was just for her, a match made in heaven, if you will. Katie is confident that Lil is looking down right now, and giving her the thumbs up. This actually echoes a concept we Jews call Beshert, which like many Yiddish words almost resists simple translation, with its multilayered richness. It usually refers to a couple, and means made for each other, though it can also mean general good fortune.

Many times it is understood as something mystical, but maybe it is, and Lil's promise to Katie too, have a more conventional explanation. Our parents, and then we ourselves, make us who we are. If you are raised with and continue to abide by the simple understanding that it's not about you, than in essence, just like Katie and Mark, well, you are truly made for each other. Now, that is truly Beshert...

Those Moments Have Made Us Who We Are

Yesterday (9/20) I co-officiated Stacy and Jean-Simon's English-French wedding ceremony with Jean-Simon's sister, Virginie, at Le Windsor, in Montreal, Quebec. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Stacy and Jean-Simon are a special couple. They each have strong personalities, without a shred of arrogance. You know where you stand with them. They mean what they say, and they say what they mean. You know these are the type of people you can count on. At the same time, they don't make a big deal of themselves. As individuals and as a couple they exude a fine blend of humility and quiet confidence.

They come from entirely different backgrounds, she, a Jewish English girl from the West Island, he, a Catholic French boy from the Town of Mount Royal. Yet, spend just a few moments with both of them, and accents aside, you would never know it. Their love for each other is just so deep, that it makes you feel all warm inside. They show you how powerful a force love can truly be.

What is it that allows them to all of exhibit these qualities, and share such a deep love. Well, with Stacy and Jean-Simon, you need not guess. They will tell you. They have not just let life pass them by. Indeed, as individuals and as a couple, they have taken the time to think about and reflect on experiences they have had in life. They have carefully examined these experiences, some negative and some positive, and they have found meaning in them. As Stacy says, "I believe that when good and bad things happen, it’s for a reason. We may not know right away, but in the long run, you realize why things happen the way they do."

Stacy and Jean-Simon have not only sought to give meaning to these experiences. They have sought to harness that meaning to improve their individual lives, to grow together as a couple, and to strengthen their relationship. As Jean-Simon says, "These moments (good or bad) have made us who we are and have solidified the love we have for one another."

Stacy and Jean-Simon, may you continue to be blessed with a rich life, full of meaning, and may you and your love grow only stronger, with the experiences you harness to enhance it.