Man Plans and God Laughs

Saturday evening, Deacon Keith Boswell and I co-officiated Jordana and Eric's wedding ceremony at Villa Siena in Gilbert, Arizona. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

One approach to interfaith relations, between spouses, between friends, even between communities, is to gloss over differences. There are even couples that choose to strip their wedding ceremony of any religious traditions, and have an officiant who is not identified with any religious tradition. Now, if you know anything about Jordana and Eric, you know that is not them.

One fascinating but easy to overlook difference between them is how they each speak of their coming together in relation to any preconceived planning they had in finding a soulmate. Eric, as a staid Midwestern Catholic, simply says that falling in love with Jordana was God's plan for him. The red headed New York Jew standing here beside him, with a twinkle in her eye, does not necessarily dispute this. She does, however, invoke an old Yiddish aphorism, der mentsh trakht un got lakht, דער מענטש טראַכט און גאָט לאַכט, man plans and God laughs.
 

 

Seriously, though, recognizing that planning for your relationship is necessary is one of the best lessons that Jordana and Eric teach us. As Eric says, "We needed some extra time due to our different religious backgrounds to make sure we could have a happy and fulfilled life together." Now, once you don't gloss over your religious differences, and instead acknowledge them, that has the potential of helping you plan for and deal with the host of other differences EVERY couple will (not may, WILL) have. As Jordana say, "I think our pre-marriage differences have helped prepare us for all the unpredictabilities before us in marriage."

Now even if you don't gloss over your differences, religious or otherwise, you can still think of differences as obstacles to overcome. Some view differences in many types of relationships, personal and professional, in just that way. Not Jordana and Eric, though. They see their differences as tools they can use for growth, as individuals and as a couple. As Jordana says, "We have grown to have a deeper appreciation of our differences, and instead of letting those differences divide us, they have only enriched (us)..."

And a funny thing happens when you follow this approach. The very recognition and embracing of our differences often shows us that in their essence, the cores of our ideas are actually closer than we thought. As Eric says, "We came to realize there are many similarities in the foundations of the two religions in regards to how they teach you to lead your life and... treat others." 

 

This allows us to form bonds much closer than we could ever have, as Jordana says, "My relationship with Eric has grown to be quite different from (the) early days. Today, I feel that I have a lifelong partner, a friend, a silly fool who can always make me laugh, right by my side." And it allows us to recognize the very core of those we love. As Eric says, "Jordana has such a big heart and has so much love to give... She’s... thoughtful and compassionate… She’s beautiful inside and out. I know she will make a great wife and a great mother... This is exactly the kind of person I want to be with for the rest of my life and I feel blessed to have found her!"

Got That Happiness Thing "Made"

Friday afternoon (9/5) I officiated Sandy and Chris' wedding ceremony at their home in Richmond Heights, Ohio. It was a lot of fun seeing their family again, having officiated Sandy's brother Jon's wedding ceremony to Jenny, a few years ago in New Orleans, Louisiana. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

 

Ask Chris to tell you one thing about Sandy, and he will use a sentence that is mutually true: "I have never been with someone that makes me as happy as Sandy does."

 

The very founding document of our nation prominently mentions the pursuit of happiness, third only to life and liberty, as one of reasons for those Englishmen throwing off the yoke of their monarch. This stands out even more, if you know that they were borrowing this phrase from Locke, who had spoken of life, liberty and property, not the pursuit of happiness.

Now, if our forebears imbued our nation with legitimacy, insofar, as it could enable us to pursue happiness, the question that follows should be more than obvious: How does one do just that, achieve happiness. I believe that Sandy and Chris in the way they have lived their lives, help us understand.

 

First, you need to be patient. We live in a world where speed is prized. Why is my burger ready only after an agonizing 60 seconds? Why does my iPhone take an unbearable 10 seconds to retrieve that email? Can you believe that it took Amazon a full 24 hours to get me that new flatscreen TV? Sandy and Chris understand that "good" and "fast" aren't all that often equal. Just look at what happened when Chris asked Sandy out the first time, and she explained that the timing was just not right. He didn't give up. All he said was, "I will wait for you. I am not going anywhere." It took about a year, she said yes, and you know the rest...

Second, you need to work at it, but not make a big deal out of yourself. Just do what needs to be done. The Talmud says that the Patriarch, Abraham, would "talk little and do much." Basic business and customer service practice similarly tells us to, "underpromise and overdeliver." Both Sandy and Chris' family and friends can tell you how they embody this quality in their lives as individuals and as a couple. 

 

Third, and this is closely connected to the other two, you need to let go of your apprehensions, be inspired, relish your life experiences, and learn from them and from each other. Indeed, Sandy tells us that Chris has turned around all her, "'I'm never going to's'", and also says, "I have never believed in anyone more than I believe in Chris,” whom she fondly calls her “Frank Sinatra”. Chris, in turn says, "She inspires me to be a better man. At this point I could not be without her. She is the yin to my yang, the peanut butter to my jelly, and the twinkle to my star."

 

So, folks, just remember, have patience, get the job quietly done, let go of your apprehensions, be inspired, relish your life experiences, and learn from them and from each other. Then you've got that happiness thing "made..."

Communal Connection

Saturday evening (8/31) I officiated Sarah and Edmund's wedding at the Windsor at Hebron Park in Carrollton, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

In the United States we have many different options when it comes to wedding officiants. Therefore, whenever someone contacts me to officiate their wedding, I ask why having a rabbi, specifically, officiate their wedding is important to them.

I get a variety of wonderful and thoughtful answers. I particularly loved the answer I got from Sarah and Edmund. They wanted to get it right from the very start. They wanted Judaism to be a serious and integral part of their shared life and the life of their future children.

Now this might seem like a simple, even simplistic question, but why do people seek to connect with their heritage? Why do WE seek to connect with our Jewish culture?

I believe that the answer lies in the very core of our souls. We all seek meaning in our lives. We can find meaning in ideas and truths we discover. However, the greatest meaning is not found in the I, rather in the thou. The greatest meaning is found through our relationships, through our connecting with others, through our community.

Our cultures give us communal connections both vertical and horizontal, if you will. Through our heritage, passed down to us, we connect with the community of the past. Through passing on our rich civilization to our children, we connect to the community of the future. Through involvement in our culture today, we connect with the community of the present.

Each one of us interprets these connections differently. It is not for naught that we say, "Two Jews, three opinions..."  This is the great beauty of our Jewish culture. It encourages each of us, nay, demands of each of us to do what Sarah and Edmund seek to do in the new home they form today, to form community, to build anew, and to take it and make it our own.

The Answers to Life's Most Complicated Questions

Kelly and Colter are two of the most gentle souls I have met. They are really deep thinkers too. The rest you can read ahead in my personal remarks to them at their wedding yesterday:

There is a great and holy book called, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy". In it we are told of a supercomputer, which is asked, "What is the meaning of life?" After working on the question for 7.5 million years, it comes up with the answer. Now, the geeks in the audience already know the answer. That's right. 42. BTW, if you do not get the humor, that's OK. During the reception, just ask one of my fellow geeks. About 45 minutes later, you may actually be able to start eating.

What the Guide is tackling here through satire is the very quandary most religions have dealt with for eons. Seriously, what is the meaning of life? We, as humans, ask that question, in general. We ask that about specific things too. What is the meaning of this or that specific occurrence? What many of us often forget is that there is no app for that. It isn't that there are no easy answers. There are many, and they are quite popular. It is just that none of them are true.

This is an area that I find that Kelly and Colter, are a little bit ahead of the rest of us. To put it simply, they don't "do" easy. They don't succumb to the popular. They have no use for the one size fits all answers. They realize that there is nothing wrong with the complicated and the messy. In fact, they realize, the true essence of truth is only to be found there within the contours of the complex.

Kelly and Colter realize that though there are some black and whites in life, most of it is gray. They understand that the implication is that each of us has to look deep into our hearts to find the answers to life's most complicated questions. They understand that that is why each of us may reach slightly different answers, and that that is not only OK; it is actually kind of wonderful.

This is why their relationship is so loving, so close, so special. You see for any relationship to work, especially marriage, one has to realize the following: Sure, there are some universal truths out there. Reading a book or two about marriage from the self help section of the bookstore is certainly a great idea. However, don't try to find the recipe for a successful marriage with a supercomputer. There is no app for that. The secret to a successful marriage is in your heart, not your handheld. It is mostly complicated, and it can get pretty messy. That said, if you embrace its messiness, if you can revel in its complexity, just like Kelly and Colter do, you just might have the secret to the true meaning of marital life.