Multiplying Effect

Saturday evening I officiated Meredith and Marc’s wedding ceremony at the Marriott Legacy in Plano, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Meredith describes the beginning of her relationship with Marc, straightforwardly, "There was a spark from the start! We had many things in common... I remember saying... 'You are the male version of me!'"

Meredith was referring to an ancient notion that existed in diverse cultures to explain the idea of romantic attraction, in general. These cultures, the Jewish tradition among them, imagined a primordial being, both male and female, that the Divine separated into two. It is that separation that causes each of us to yearn to connect and become whole.

However, if we listen more closely to Meredith and Marc, they add something that these ancient myths leave out. Marc says, "I felt such a strong connection with this beautiful lady, which I have never felt before with anyone else. I never knew what was missing in my life until I met Meredith." And Meredith adds, "I want to marry Marc as I feel like I have known him forever... I had never understood the meaning of soul mates until I met him."

What Meredith and Marc are saying here echoes the words of Rabbi Shlomo Aviner in an address to his students. He imagines that before coming into this world every couple was this one whole primordial being, which coming into this world was separated into two. They then unconsciously search for that long lost half. When they find each other, each joyously connect to that primordial partner.

Finally, Meredith and Marc introduce one more element beyond Aviner's elaboration. Rejoining one's long lost half has a multiplying effect. You learn from your other half, and that makes you better. In turn, together you equal more than the original whole. As Marc observes, "The love and devotion I see Meredith shows Brynn challenges me," and as Meredith says, "I am a better person for having Marc in my life. He... inspires me to be my best."

Communal Connection

Saturday evening (8/31) I officiated Sarah and Edmund's wedding at the Windsor at Hebron Park in Carrollton, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

In the United States we have many different options when it comes to wedding officiants. Therefore, whenever someone contacts me to officiate their wedding, I ask why having a rabbi, specifically, officiate their wedding is important to them.

I get a variety of wonderful and thoughtful answers. I particularly loved the answer I got from Sarah and Edmund. They wanted to get it right from the very start. They wanted Judaism to be a serious and integral part of their shared life and the life of their future children.

Now this might seem like a simple, even simplistic question, but why do people seek to connect with their heritage? Why do WE seek to connect with our Jewish culture?

I believe that the answer lies in the very core of our souls. We all seek meaning in our lives. We can find meaning in ideas and truths we discover. However, the greatest meaning is not found in the I, rather in the thou. The greatest meaning is found through our relationships, through our connecting with others, through our community.

Our cultures give us communal connections both vertical and horizontal, if you will. Through our heritage, passed down to us, we connect with the community of the past. Through passing on our rich civilization to our children, we connect to the community of the future. Through involvement in our culture today, we connect with the community of the present.

Each one of us interprets these connections differently. It is not for naught that we say, "Two Jews, three opinions..."  This is the great beauty of our Jewish culture. It encourages each of us, nay, demands of each of us to do what Sarah and Edmund seek to do in the new home they form today, to form community, to build anew, and to take it and make it our own.

Passion for Learning

I hadn't officiated a wedding at the Dallas World Aquarium for about 25 hours, so I returned last night to officiate Jessica and Ramin's wedding. In my personal remarks, I always talk about what I learned from the couple, and that is where I began this time too.

I think it is actually in this very area of the importance of learning in the here and now and from each other, that Jessica and Ramin teach us an important lesson.

Jessica and Ramin come from two of the most ancient cultures in the world. Persian and Jewish history goes so far back that it makes the German town that Jessica's current last name invokes look downright new, being founded in 766.

There is great pride in coming from such ancient cultures. However, there is a hazard there too. It is very tempting for members of such rich cultures to sit back on their laurels, and believe that the past is all that matters, and that new knowledge and learning is not only unnecessary, but to be discouraged.

Jessica and Ramin are fine examples of taking the opposite approach. They have each thought deeply about their respective heritages, embraced what was meaningful to them, and continued to learn. They have each strived and continue to strive to know and discover more about the world and about themselves.

Most importantly, they have not just seen each other as lovers, but as fellow learners too. Perhaps one of the only things they might passionately disagree on in this area is who benefitted more from whom. Jessica will tell you that she learned so much more from Ramin, and Ramin will tell you how much more he learned from Jessica. They each will tell you how much more the other inspires them to better themselves each and every day.

Jessica and Ramin, continue on this path of passion for learning, and continue to inspire each other. Through may you find not just 11 years of happiness you have had do far, but seven fold more years to come.

Your Argument is Invalid

Leia and Mark are truly two of the most extraordinary individuals I have had the pleasure to work with. Here are the personal remarks that I shared with them and their guests:

I have an app on my iPod called Demotivational Pics, that follows the Dilbert tradition of making fun of the absurdities of corporate culture. It takes the tired idea of the corporate office, where all employees need to do their job well are some motivational pictures on the wall, and turns it on its head. From time to time, they actually violate their own rule, and show a really motivating picture, though decidedly not the type you would see in the dreary paper pushing abode. Usually, it shows someone doing some type of impossible feat, with the humor coming from the caption that says just this., "YOUR argument is invalid..."

I thought about this when I sat down to write about Leia and Mark. I thought I might actually make a little poster for myself of just Leia and Mark smiling at me with that very caption. Then whenever I had a particularly bad day, and felt really unable to deal with a specific challenge, I could pull out the little poster of Leia and Mark, and read out loud to myself, "Your argument is invalid..."

You see, Leia and Mark were each dealt a couple of bad hands along the way. When you are dealt a bad hand, one can really blame you for folding. It is understandable. Well, to each of these two understandable just didn't cut it. They looked at the hand they were each dealt, and they pushed their chips to the middle of the table, and said, "Your argument is invalid."

Here is the coolest thing about these two though. Sometimes, when one overcomes challenges, it can make one a little tone deaf to the challenges of others. After all, you might say to yourself, if I was able to overcome on my own, why can't this other person? Not, Leia and Mark, though. You could scarcely imagine a more tolerant and understanding couple. Just look at what they each do for a living, and you immediately can see, that they are all about holding themselves to the highest standard, while doing their best to lend a helping hand and giving a leg up to those less fortunate.

Leia and Mark, thank you for this double lesson. Thank you for strengthening our resolve to challenge ourselves, while helping others with the utmost compassion. May you continue to serve as such a wonderful example for others.

The Rabbi and the Elephant: How I Officiated a Cosmopolitan Interfaith Wedding in Thailand

With guests from Australia, France, Germany, Italy, Russia, Thailand and the U.S. present, Nad and Alex's wedding was easily one of the most cosmopolitan I had ever officiated. With a fairly traditional inclusive Jewish ceremony, bookended by Thai customs, it was definitely one of the most intercultural. Throw in the fact that I was upstaged by an elephant, and you have the backdrop for a great story!

While one might think that the coupling of a Russian Jew and a Thai Buddhist might be a challenge, this bride and groom showed that it need not be so. This may just be because the bride, Nad (short for Nadusa), and the groom, Alex, who live in Australia, are true citizens of the world. Nad was born in Thailand, but grew up mainly in Australia and Europe, due to her father's work for Royal Thai Airways. She was schooled in an international school in Paris, and is fluent in (standard American accented) English, French, German and Thai. Alex was born in Russia, and he grew up there and (from age 15) in the U.S. He trained as a radiologist at Harvard, and practices a specific type of medicine that embodies the global village we live in. If you ever have an x-ray done in the middle of the night, you may wonder where on earth they find a radiologist to read it. Well, on the bottom part of the earth, that is where! It may, in fact, be Alex, a "nighthawk" radiologist, who by virtue of being in a very different time zone, will, during what is day for him, get a report back to your stateside doctor. Nad also (naturally) works for an international corporation.

The couple reflects a cosmopolitan life not only in their upbringing, their professional lives and their personal day to day lives, but also in their philosophy of living. They are both very proud of their cultural heritages, but in terms of actual religious beliefs are much more humanistic in their leanings. They wanted their ceremony to reflect this, and their idea of how it would was to have a fairly traditional, while inclusive, Jewish ceremony, with Thai customs before and after it. For the location, they chose Koh Samui, a small picturesque island in the southern part of Thailand.

Their exciting beachside ceremony began with the sound of the beating of a gong and drums and men we could not yet see, shouting in Thai, "Here we come, we are here," as they drew closer. The first thing we then saw was four ornately and traditionally dressed young Thai women, swaying slowly as they processed. We then saw the men we had heard before, followed by the "guest of honor" - a baby elephant! The elephant was decorated with ornate jewelry and was dancing too. They brought in the groom, and sat him next to the bride. One of the men then set up a xylophone, and the four women danced to its music an elaborate synchronized dance in front of the bride and groom. They ended by spreading before them a bed of rose petals in perfect synchronization.

I then officiated the Jewish portion of the ceremony under a lovely chuppah (Jewish wedding canopy) on the beach. They exchanged heartfelt vows and rings, and shared a cup of wine. They signed an attractive ketubah (ceremonial Jewish marriage contract) written in Hebrew, English and Thai. (Nad's mom, a professional translator, helped with the translation.) I then blessed them with the Priestly Blessing, which is the most ancient copy of scripture archeologists have found in Israel. I explained how our forefathers, those who gave us the Torah, imagined my mythic ancestor, the first high priest, Aaron, brother of Moses, blessing the Children of Israel with these very words. I love reciting this blessing in a third language (aside from Hebrew and English) when appropriate. In fact, I have blessed couples in Spanish (I do live in Tejas, after all), French, Arabic and Bulgarian. This time I used four languages, as I blessed Nad and Alex with the words of my great ancestor and theirs in Hebrew, English, Russian and Thai.

After the Jewish portion of the ceremony, we observed more Thai customs. We all got to feed the baby elephant. This "baby" ate whole clusters of bananas and watermelon quarters. The elephant also danced some more while playing the harmonica. (Seriously.) In Thai culture the elephant is the symbol of the king, and therefore in a broader sense is used to symbolize the nation and its happiness. Nad and Alex then planted a small "love tree" together, and raised a "marriage flag" on a tall staff. The final Thai custom was most interesting. Guests were invited to light small paper-covered lanterns. Once lit, by the virtue of the hot air inside, these rose far into the air, till they looked like far away stars. Each guest was encouraged to make a wish upon these stars for the good fortune of the bride and groom.

During my personal remarks, I talked about what a wonderful lesson the bride and groom taught us, in bringing us all together on that magical island. They showed us that people from different countries, cultures and religions can come together, enjoy each other's company and cultures, and make this seem effortless. Hopefully, I said, the whole world will learn Nad and Alex's lesson too. And, if they need an elephant to help make this happen, consider it done...

Lori and Matt – They Didn’t Just Go With the Flow

This last Saturday I officiated two weddings in Austin, Texas. The first was Lori and Matt’s. Lori and Matt are really special people. Lori is an attorney, who works for a non-profit, and Matt grew up to actually work in one of those fields all little boys dream about working in, firefighting! They both have a rather humanistic bent, which is what I tried to bring out in my personal remarks:

One thing that struck me from my very first discussion with Lori and Matt is that really the phrase “interfaith couple” did not fit the bill with regards to this couple. “Intercultural couple” may be a more apt term. Indeed, each of them sees their religious heritage more in the context of culture than religious belief and practice. You see - Lori and Matt come from different backgrounds, and have had different life stories; however they have more in common in terms of faith and belief, than many other couples out there.

This is not due to coincidence. This is due to the fact that these two did not just go with the flow. They chose to really think about these issues of faith and belief. They continue to choose as individuals and as a couple to carefully examine their lives spiritually, figure out who they are, and what they want out of life. Most importantly they recognize that need to continue to grow together in this sense, and to focus on the joy, happiness and meaning that such growth can bring to a couple’s life.

Lori and Matt, thank you for reminding us of the importance of truly figuring out one’s spiritual path. May you continue to learn and develop separately and together, and through this may your happiness increase and your bond strengthen.

Beyond an Operator’s Manual

This last Wednesday I officiated Nad and Alex’s wedding in Koh Samui, Thailand. Here are the personal words I shared with them and their guests:

Often when one conjures the (sometimes scary) idea of a member of the clergy trying to speak words of wisdom, one expects something along the lines of the following: “The Torah/Bible/Koran/Veda says we must do X, and it being a divine ‘operators’ manual’ for how we should live our lives, must be obeyed.”

Now, frankly, I find this rather tiring. First, with so many different and contradictory “manuals”, how are we to discern what could be the right one to use? However, second, and much more fundamentally, how many of us actually find any actual operators’ manuals in real life the least bit helpful? True learning is not done through a manual. It is done through trial and error, through observation and discovery. If this is true regarding an iPad or a cell phone, how much more so regarding something as complicated as life itself.

This is why it was so refreshing to me to read the words Nad wrote me regarding her philosophy of life, “I don't believe one should live life according to how someone else says life should look like.” How simple, yet how profound! It is clear that Nad and Alex have both lived their lives in this fashion. These are good, kind, solid, and responsible individuals, who are fun to be with, and who truly enjoy life. How did they become such individuals? It was not from reading an ancient book from 3000 years ago. Rather, it was from experiencing the world, living in different cultures, speaking different languages, interacting with other people, and observing the world.

So, Nad and Alex, thank you. Thank you for exemplifying one of the best ways to live life fully, and reach true happiness. We hope and pray that the happiness you have found together, through living life to the fullest, in just this fashion, will continue to be the path you tread for the rest of your life together.

An Extension of the Golden Rule

This last Saturday I officiated Pauline and Nate’s Jewish-Filipino interfaith wedding. Here are the personal remarks I shared with them and their guests:

I have lived on three continents. I have lived in New Zealand and in the American Heartland where people are very cordial and tremendously polite, but it is really difficult to figure out what they really think about your actions in any given situation. On the other hand, I grew up in Israel, and Israelis are perceived by most non-Israelis as brash and even aggressive, but you always know where you stand with them. Think New Yorkers on Speed, and you get the idea.

Now, in our multi-cultural environment it seems usually taboo to talk about positives and negatives of cultures. To me there is something disingenuine about such an approach. Should we not admit, without judging individual persons, that every culture has its plusses and minuses? Is not true multi-culturalism about learning from other cultures, which means using some discernment regarding their qualities?

Is it not obvious that if one could, it would be best to exhibit the warmth and cordial nature of the Midwest and American South, along with the openness of our Israeli brothers and sisters? I have often thought about this, and when I met Pauline and Nate, I found exactly these qualities shared by both of them. This made it tremendously refreshing to interact with this lovely couple. They are the most pleasant individuals and at the same time they say what they mean, and mean what they say. How cool is that?! In this I think they are emblematic, once again, of how we should live and learn in this multi-cultural and multi-ethnic world we inhabit.

Now, really, there is nothing new here. Every religion tells us to treat others as we would like to be treated. Each of us wishes to be treated kindly, and also to know where we stand with others, so that we may navigate the world properly and pleasantly. Therefore, what Pauline and Nate do in their day to day life is just an extension of that golden rule.

Pauline and Nate, what do we wish for you? We hope and pray that you continue to enjoy happiness and love through your openness and kindness with each other and with others. We are confident that with this, you will continue to enjoy a wonderful life together, and inspire others to do the same.