Good Fortune

Last Saturday, I officiated Hope and Henry’s wedding ceremony at Hall on Dragon in Dallas, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests: 

Before I even talk to a couple about marrying them, I ask them to tell me about themselves, how they met, and what happened since. Not to make this about me, but one of the best things about asking these types of questions, and working with couples like Hope and Henry, is that they make me feel young. 

When speaking to Hope and Henry, though, I got to really feel young, because Hope told me, “Henry and I met at Greenhill School in Addison, Texas when we were 10 years old.” Now, Henry does clarify that they didn’t start dating in the 5th grade, which is good because this might be the one thing in which I am conservative, I’m not sure what dating in the 5th grade even means.

In fact, Henry says, “We did not become good friends until high school. Over time, I began to realize that I didn't just appreciate Hope as a friend but as someone I wanted to share my whole life with.” Hope clarifies that by saying, “We started dating during our final year of high school and we have been together ever since, even through four years of separate colleges.” 

How incredible is that? It’s not that you can plan your life this way. Sometimes it just happens, but how wonderful for Hope and Henry that it did for them. What incredibly amazing good fortune. It takes hard work too, though, to make sure that you complement and balance the other person out.

As Hope says, “Henry is my absolute best friend. He is the tall to my short, the soft-spoken to my verbosity, and the little-known sass to my well-known sass. He is my support system and my comfort in life.” 

Once you have that, it’s really not a question of if, but when. Here Hope and Henry are both rather practical. Henry says, “Getting married now is the right time because we are both settled in our careers, and we have lived together long enough to know we enjoy spending every day together.”

Hope agrees, but, of course, invokes the law: “I want to get married to Henry so that we can celebrate our love and can cement a legal connection… We both have happy and stable lives and careers, we finally feel like we have time and are in a headspace to enjoy a celebration about us.”

Pretty Jewish

Saturday afternoon (2/4), I officiated Sharada and Eric’s wedding ceremony at the Andaz Beach House on the Peninsula Papagayo in Costa Rica. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

You must admit that much like this afternoon ceremony, Shar and Eric’s story is pretty Jewish. In their words they, “could be one of those couch couples from When Harry Met Sally.”  It happens entirely in New York. They meet in a bar in the East Village, they drift apart, and it is food that brings them back together. And – you can’t make this up – they have a dog named after an Eastern European Jewish pastry*. 

Of course, the American Jewish experience is more than the stuff of rom-com. It is defined by what Eric says about his Judaism, “I strongly identify as Jewish, and share the values that the religion and my parents instilled in me, the importance of family, tradition, education, kindness, empathy.” Guess what; that description, the importance of family, tradition, education, kindness, and empathy, fits Shar’s upbringing too.

Shar emphasizes that Eric’s description of his upbringing is not just words: “Eric is such a kind, empathetic person, who treated me so wonderfully, that my friends quickly named him ‘Prince Eric.’ I never fully understood where his sweet demeanor came from until I met his parents six months into dating. Howard and Judy were so warm and welcoming. I felt like I was already family. I always love seeing where people came from, and it was such a welcome surprise to know how wonderful his family was. Suddenly Eric Burnett made sense.”

No surprise: Eric fell in love with some of those same qualities in Sharada. He says, “Sharada is smart and hilarious, and tough, and kind. This clearly comes from the closeness she shares with her family. Her parents showed me nothing but warmth and kindness from day one, welcoming me into their home, calling me when I’m sick, and feeding me entirely too many dosas on every visit to California. Her cousins, who are so much more like siblings to her, have become brothers and sisters to me as well. I see characteristics of all of them in Sharada, and it is amazing.”

Family, tradition, education, kindness, and empathy. Not a bad prescription for a happy marriage.

*Their dog’s name is Babka.

Combine to Make Each Other Happier

Saturday evening, I officiated Abbey and Austin’s wedding ceremony at the Carlisle Room, in Dallas, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

I have the privilege of being able to ask couples the kind of questions that anyone else would be perceived as rude for asking, namely, why do you want to get married and why now? I mean even an inkling of that kind of question would get you in trouble in any other setting. I do get many interesting answers to the why now question. Austin’s answer lets you in on his excitement, though it may indicate that he failed to understand the assignment: “Why get married now? Because I met Abbey, that’s why!” A little agro when you think about it, too…

On a more serious note, I feel like my entire gender owes something to Austin, because he redeemed us in Abbey’s eyes: “Before I met Austin, I used to think that I would probably be alone for the rest of my life; you know the crazy dog lady type, in a relationship with work because falling in love was just too hard. I could not see myself with a husband and kids. But our first date was refreshing and really opened my eyes and my heart. I walked away thinking, wow, this guy is different. 

Falling for Austin wasn't really falling at all—it was like walking into a house and knowing you're home. He accepts me for me and has helped me feel like I finally fit in, like I have found my life partner. Our relationship has been tested, especially considering the fact that I moved in with him right before the start of the pandemic, but our love has been steadfast and strong. In the past three years Austin has become my best friend, my rock, and my biggest supporter. He makes me belly laugh and has filled my life with a happiness that is indescribable.”

Now, Austin went through a similar though not identical process: “When I moved to North Carolina I dated a little, but nothing worked out, and for a while, I was content in being alone. I even had some of my deepest faith revelations and discoveries about God, while I lived alone. But I soon realized that being alone was not for me, and when I moved back to Dallas and met Abbey, being with her made me feel safe, and assured, and completely in love. With Abbey I can be completely vulnerable, and I know I have a partner that will love me for exactly who I am, and I, her. 

I was told by a therapist I’ve seen through the years that the Jerry Maguire ‘You complete me’ idea of a relationship is the biggest fallacy ever spewed. A healthy relationship that lasts consists of one whole person and another whole person, who are independently happy, but combine to make each other happier. This is exactly the type of relationship we share, and it continues to grow, and I continue to fall in love more every day.” And Abbey agrees with this therapist’s very smart insight: “I love that we are two individuals that are just better together, and I am ready to start my future with him; forever and always.”

Making Me Want to Be Better

Saturday evening, Reverend Marty Younkin, of LoveNotes, and I co-officiated Sofia and James’ wedding ceremony at the Dallas Arboretum (in the Jonsson Color Garden), in Dallas, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

I got reprimanded in Starbucks because of Sofia and James. I am not making this up. Allow me to explain.

I ask each person I marry to write an essay about themselves and send it to me before my second meeting with them. One of things I ask them to address in the essay is why they want to marry their partner. It’s a pretty fundamental question, and if you can’t answer that, well, as Tom Hanks says in Apollo 13, “Houston, we have a problem.”

I ask couples not to read each other’s essays, because it just spices the discussion up. Seriously, though, it’s just cool to see how couples react to what the other has written about them. Take what Sofia wrote about James, for instance:

“I fell for him very fast because he was always incredibly sweet, funny, and was very close with his family…. We both just knew we were really good together, and we both saw our relationship going very far. James and I are complete opposites in many ways, but somehow it makes us balance each other out perfectly. He is quiet, so doesn’t care when I can’t stop talking, and I am anxious, so his laid-back personality mellows me out.”

Not only does that just sound cool, but it is also exactly what you want out of your relationship, that the sum total of you together is greater than each of your parts separately.

OK, I still haven’t told you how they got me a Starbucks reprimand. So, here we go. James addresses my question of “why” as follows, in a way that somewhat mirrors Sofia’s answer. I will replace half a word with “expletive deleted” just like they did when they transcribed the Nixon tapes:

“For the past three and a half years she has been my person. (Parenthetically: I thought doctors don’t like Grey’s Anatomy, but apparently, I was wrong…) She is constantly making me want to be better and I love that about her. She does not put up with my bull – expletive deleted – and will call me out whenever I am in the wrong, which is almost always.”

During our FaceTime meeting, when I mentioned that, Sofia was thoroughly embarrassed, because apparently, she thinks you’re not supposed to swear when you write an essay for a rabbi. The concept itself is however extremely important, and fundamental to every successful marriage. That’s why I said I agreed with James. With that, the barista, half my age and not an ordained clergyman to the best of my knowledge, walked over to me, and told me in no uncertain terms that they have a “no swearing policy” at Starbucks.

Sofia and James, please keep doing what you are doing, keep balancing each other out, keep calling each other out, and your bond will remain unbreakable.

Unbreakable Union

Saturday evening, Deacon Chris Volkmer and I co-officiated Becca and Ryan’s wedding ceremony in Wylie, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

I ask every person I marry to address a few questions in writing. One of them is why do you want to get married now? Ryan, who if you have paid attention to the ceremony so far you may have noticed is Catholic, does a very Jewish thing when answering that question; he answers it with a question! Incidentally, do you know why we answer questions with questions. The answer is, why not?

Anyway, Ryan says that the real question should be, and many couples’ parents ask this all the time, why not marry sooner? He blames it on his having “galavanted to Oklahoma,” which, let’s face it, 99% of the time makes sense, regardless of the question.

Many of us have thought about time and timing more than ever before, in the past year. Our awareness of time’s elasticity has heightened. Our inability to schedule the mundane and the extraordinary has affected each and every one of us. And so that why now question I have been asking couples for thirteen years has taken on new meaning.

One of my mantras is that there is no right or wrong way to do anything in your wedding; it really depends on the couple. Similarly, to quote the writer, David Plotz, another person’s marriage is a foreign country. That said, I believe that if a couple focuses on what really matters, in their wedding and in their marriage, they can and will make their marriage rise above the constraints of time. Becca and Ryan exhibit a deep understanding of this, maybe more than they know.

Becca says, “Ryan and I have been through a lot together… We’ve been there during good times and bad times… It’s not always easy, but it’s always worth it. I’ve wanted to marry Ryan for a long time now. I can’t imagine a life without him, especially now, as we… create a home and family together, amidst such uncertain times.”

And Ryan says, “I want to spend my life with Becca. I’ve loved her since the moment I saw her. But marriage is more than love; it is commitment and an unbreakable union. Becca is my partner – and I want to be partnered with her forever.”

My Person

Saturday evening, I officiated Brooke and Eric’s wedding ceremony at the Dallas/Plano Marriott at Legacy Town Center in Plano, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

I always ask couples how they found me. Sometimes they went searching on the internet, sometimes their wedding planner referred them to me, and sometimes a friend recommended me. And, sometimes, they were actual guests at a wedding I officiated. That is how Brooke and Eric found me. I officiated their friends, Rachel and Mark’s wedding.

Here is where things get really interesting, though. They, specifically, cited something I said during these personal remarks that they felt described not only Rachel and Mark, but them too. That is the concept of someone being, “my person.”

Faith Fishkin writes, “The term ‘my person’ originated from the show ‘Grey’s Anatomy.’ My own personal definition is the person you go to for everything, the person you can’t live without, the person you can’t stay mad at, and the person that supports you in everything that you do. Being someone’s ‘person’ is a commitment. There is a very big difference between being someone’s boyfriend/girlfriend/best friend and being someone’s person. When someone is your person, you have such a deep connection and understanding of one another -- you pretty much know each other like the back of your hand.”

Now, true enough, your “person” need not necessarily be the same as your romantic partner. However, sometimes, as is the case with Brooke and Eric, you hit the jackpot, and you get both in one tidy package.

One way in which to use Fishkin’s words, Brooke and Eric support each other in everything they do is in their approach to their Judaism. You see, there can be different approaches to following your faith tradition. You can follow it because you believe God told you to. You can follow it because it is part of your tradition.

However, there is an approach that takes this one step further. Some people ask, why did God tell me to do this or what utility is there in observing this thing that is part of my tradition? Brooke and Eric ask this question. Brooke speaks for both of them, when she gives this answer: “My involvement in the Jewish community… has helped me understand the importance of community and the power of being with others in our tradition. It is through my Judaism that I have learned to do acts of kindness and mitzvot on a daily basis. In the future, I hope to expand my roots and I pray that Eric and I will be able to pass these values onto our children. As the years go on, I look forward to continuing to live a meaningful life elevated by my Judaism.”

My friends, let us all find inspiration in these words, and let us strive for, in Brooke’s words, “a meaningful life elevated,” by whatever tradition, philosophy or approach we live by.

It Was Love

Saturday evening, I got to witness Ariela and Gerardo’s fascinating shamanic wedding ceremony, conducted by Mary Coba. I then officiated their Jewish wedding ceremony. Both ceremonies took place on the beach of Villa Chenera on Isla Mujeres outside Cancun, Mexico. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

I ask couples to review about a list readings, and see if they want to incorporate any of them into their ceremony. I always recommend that they NOT incorporate a reading, just to have a reading. Rather, I encourage them to see if they connect with any reading, if they feel like it describes their love story. In Ariela and Gerardo’s case, not only did they find such a reading; they so “hit the nail on its head”, in describing their love, that I felt like I had to incorporate it into my remarks, something I rarely do.

First, though, what is Ariela and Gerardo’s love story all about?

Listen to Ariela describe it, “It’s all about seeing things in a mindful way, understanding others and having compassion. It’s about unconditional love for yourself and others.”

Now, you might be scratching your head right now. That’s not about THEIR love story, you might be thinking; that’s about how they feel about the world. THAT my friends, is entirely the point. If this unique ceremony is telling you anything, it is that THAT is Ariela and Gerardo’s approach to spirituality. It is about mindfulness, but not a mindfulness that just looks inward. It is about a mindfulness that takes in and cares for the world. Their mindfulness is about one word, love, in its broadest sense.

So, now, listen to this reading from The Alchemist. Not to belabor the pun, this is pure gold:

“When he looked into her eyes, he learned the most important part of the language that all the world spoke — the language that everyone on earth was capable of understanding in their heart. It was love. Something older than humanity, more ancient than the desert. What the boy felt at that moment was that he was in the presence of the only woman in his life, and that, with no need for words, she recognized the same thing. Because when you know the language, it’s easy to understand that someone in the world awaits you, whether it’s in the middle of the desert or in some great city. And when two such people encounter each other, the past and the future become unimportant. There is only that moment, and the incredible certainty that everything under the sun has been written by one hand only. It is the hand that evokes love, and creates a twin soul for every person in the world. Without such love, one’s dreams would have no meaning.”

Wow. Is that powerful or what?

OK, so you may again be wondering: Wait a minute, sure the reading starts with a universality of love, but doesn’t it then veer towards a uniqueness of the love between two lovers? Well, yes it does, and once again, THAT is the point.

The ideal love is one that bears within it that contradiction. It comes from, “an unconditional love for yourself and others,” as Ariela described it, in a language that everyone can understand, as the Alchemist author puts it. Yet, at the same time, such love causes one to feel like one is in the presence of the only other person in the world. Everything and everyone else melt away.

Finally, this is the same message expressed through the Seven Marriage Blessings, which come a little later in this ceremony. The first five don’t even talk about marriage! They talk about love for the world, humanity, and redemption. The final two talk about marriage, and invoke the Adam and Eve story, the only love story where two lovers really are the only persons in the entire world.

Nothing Can Stop You

Saturday afternoon, Father John Hiers and I co-officiated Whitney and Sam’s wedding ceremony at the Church of the Ascension, in Clearwater, Florida. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

I love origin stories of any kind, but particularly of couples’ relationships. With more than 375 weddings in the last decade, I have heard quite a few. This one, though, is a doozy!

See if you can keep all the characters, twists and turns here straight. “I knew I liked her immediately...” writes Sam, “I was dead set on getting to know her. Whit, however, had other plans. Through a mix up of who’s who, Whit thought that I was my friend Adam, who liked one of her friends. With that in mind, Whit gave me the cold shoulder most of the night, which only made me want to talk to her more! When my friends left the bar and Whit’s friends moved on to another locale, I asked for her number in the hopes of tagging along. When Whit let me know where her friends had decided to relocate, I made my Uber drive turn around immediately and drop me off where she was. I was making progress. At the end of the night, after I had used my secret technique of wearing her down with questions until she could no longer ignore me, Whit and I grabbed a late night bite to eat. As luck would have it, Adam strolled by the restaurant as we were walking out. I promise it wasn’t planned. I exclaimed, “THAT’S Adam!” I’m still not sure if she believed me right away, but it was enough for her. And the rest is history.”

This origin story becomes even more significant, when you realize that a short time before that Whitney had written, not said, written, “I am done with dating.” And, Sam? Well, he had given up on the dating game too.

With that set up, it might surprise you, and I don’t say this often at weddings, I know this one is built to last. No doubt. How do I know? Just listen to how they speak about marriage, how they conceive of it, and what it means to them.

Whitney says, “I never wanted or expected the fairytale, I want a partnership. I feel so acutely aware of how difficult and simultaneously rewarding marriage can and will be and it has never discouraged me from making it happen with Sam. I love him for who he is and who he isn’t. I love how he pushes me to be better, while always allowing me to be myself. I love our ability to have fun and communicate about the really difficult things in life... I am eager to build a life that means something with someone who will push me everyday to do so. I can honestly say if I had to do life without a romantic partner, I could do it. The thing that makes me most confident about this decision right now is I do not want to do this without him. I know our marriage will not be perfect and I know life will challenge us, but I really feel like I am at a point in my life where I am ready to share everything with someone and I am so happy that person is Sam.”

And, Sam says, “I desire to marry because our relationship brings a wholeness to my life that I couldn’t experience alone. I am the best version of myself with Whit. I also desire to marry because I understand the challenges that accompany life as an adult and I believe that the right partner can help weather life’s storms. Similarly, marriage makes the best experiences in life all the better because you experience them with someone else that you care deeply for. Marriage provides an unparalleled opportunity to tether your existence to that of another, and with the right partner, your relationship is greater than the sum of its parts. So is the mark that you leave on the world... I am aware of the risks and challenges of marriage, yet I am committed to pursuing the rest of my life putting “we” before “me”, compromising for the benefit of our relationship and our family and taking on life as a unit.”

This is why I believe that what Whitney and Sam have is built to last. They understand what takes many couples years to understand. It’s not about you, it’s not about you, either. It’s about recognizing that in marriage there is a third entity that needs to be cared for just as much, the marriage, the we. And, if you put that first, like Whitney and Sam do, nothing can stop you.

Oriented towards Action

Saturday evening I officiated Jennifer and Alex’s wedding ceremony at the Nizuc Resort and Spa, in Cancun, Mexico. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Jennifer and Alex's shared traditions put an emphasis on action. Thoughts are important, words are important, but action reigns supreme. This is an idea both Jennifer and Alex wholeheartedly endorse.

In fact, when Jennifer tells of her early life and how she was raised, this idea is central: "My childhood was filled with a lot of love and some challenges but through it all, we made it together as a family. My parents through their actions, hard work and dedication, really taught me the meaning of gratitude, generosity and love."

 

It is fitting, therefore, that their relationship was born (excuse the pun) through action. No, I don't mean through an actual birthing process. (Why would you think that?!) No, through actually working together. Listen to Alex: "Jennifer approached me with an idea to help me market my practice... She... is very socially connected in the community and it was a great opportunity... So we started working together doing educational and marketing events. As time passed we developed a chemistry that was very strong and undeniable. It felt as if we had been together for 30 years and I quickly realized this was meant to be.”

The Ancient Rabbis, being so oriented towards action, actually ask a fascinating question about marriage: What mitzvah or commandment does one fulfill in the course of being married? Their answer is, the commandment to love your fellow human as yourself. Now, at first blush, that might seem perplexing. Love is an emotion, not an action, isn't it? Well, yes, but it is very connected to action, as in order to last it requires work.

Actually, one of the pleasures of working with couples who are more seasoned (don't call us old) is that they have some experience in life. They have been around the block once or twice. And so, many of them not only know that marriage needs work; they celebrate that! That is what makes marriage worth it. As Jennifer says, "We work at our relationship everyday through the great and not so great and we always end up with a great amount of love for each other."

Now, the commandment to love your fellow human as yourself is very apt for marriage in another sense too. When I was a kid, I was only allowed to watch two TV programs, Mr. Rogers and Sesame Street. I can't remember which of these programs explained true love, but the explanation itself stuck with me. They explained that you know you are truly in love, when the other person's happiness is more important to you than your own. Wow. Profound, yet simple.

Now, admittedly, sometimes we need life's events to cause us to reflect and remind us to act. As Alex wisely says, "Certain events in our lives put things into perspective... (and help us) do (the) right thing..." Unfortunately, we are not always able to drive, so we can act on that perspective. That was Alex's particular predicament a few months ago.

"So," he continues, "I had my cousin secretly pick me up and asked her to take me to buy Jennifer's ring... I chose to simply have the entire family over to our place on her birthday to celebrate not only her birthday but to be witness to my proposal to her... I think she appreciated it more than the traditional romantic dinner for two... I can only hope our wedding day and our future is as happy, joyous and enjoyable." Well, Jennifer and Alex, I think I can speak for everyone when I say we not only share what that hope. We are confident it will come to fruition.

What Matters

Saturday evening I officiated Amanda and Logan’s wedding ceremony at The Joule in Dallas, Texas. One of Logan’s claims to fame is that he recently won the Dallas Marathon, an achievement not attained by any other American in thirteen years! Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Some of the best lessons couples have taught me have been, interestingly enough, unconscious lessons, lessons they may not have realized themselves.

Amanda tells a fascinating story about her childhood: "Friday nights were a particularly special time for us, as my dad often played his guitar in family services. I remember thinking he was 'famous' and I admired him so much for standing up in front of our entire congregation to sing." Now, Amanda wrote this about her dad, a good few months before someone else here actually became famous, having done something that no American had in thirteen years.

But, of course, that is not where Amanda's story about her dad ends. She adds, "I loved seeing the joy in my mother’s eyes as she watched him up there. The twinkle in my mother’s eyes that I noticed at Friday night services was the twinkle she had from knowing she was in love. That sparkle comes knowing the man she was sharing her life with was her best friend, team mate, and confidant."

So, yes, the child-Amanda thought her dad was famous. However, even then it was clear to her that that was not the point, and that was not what mattered. What mattered was her parents' love story, that they had written together. And so, many years later, Amanda wrote, "That’s what I wanted, and that’s what I found when I met Logan."

Logan tells a fascinating story too, regarding how he met Amanda. It involved a woman named Alix, who is present here today. She's the one over there, who will start blushing in about fifteen seconds. Logan writes, "I had never met Alix, but I could tell she was a strong presence. She kept asking me if I was dating anyone and wanted to know my dating history. I felt like I was being cross-examined. After a few minutes she said, that I was going to meet her cousin, fall in love and get married. Then she took my cell phone, friended Amanda on Facebook and put her contact information in my phone." Beyond the obvious humor, and extraordinary intuition, this exhibits that same idea inherent in Amanda's childhood tale. Alix predicted that they would write a story together, one that would be very special.

And why does Logan want to write his love story, or rather continue to write his love story with Amanda. He tells us, "Amanda carries all the qualities that I have looked for: caring, loving, supportive and patient." Here is where he gets a little meta in this context, "She cares to know people on a deeper level and understand what in their past has affected the way they are today." So, intriguingly, he desires to write a shared love story with her, because she so cares about other people's stories!

What Amanda and Logan teach us today is that what really matters is not how many people know our name, and not what someone someday might say about an external achievement. What matters are the stories we write together with our lovers and with our loved ones. Because in the grand scheme of things, when we are all long gone, those stories of love and the meaning inherent in them will long live on.

Keeps You on Your Toes

Saturday afternoon, I officiated Dear and Ian's wedding ceremony at Benedict Studio in Bangkok, Thailand. (Saturday morning, Dear and Ian had their Buddhist ceremony.) Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

This may come as a surprise, but most couples standing before me at moments like these do not describe their first date like this:

Ian - "When she finally said yes to going out with me (the date)... failed epically..."
Dear - "Our first date, to tell you the truth, was a train wreck..."
Wow! And they say Thai FOOD is spicy!

Now, if you know the rest of the story, you know why this happened. Ian received some very bad advice, reminiscent of the advice the all too real fictional corporate boss, Jack Donaghy, on 30 Rock once gave his employees: "Remember everybody, just DON'T be yourselves!" Ian followed this advice, and if not for Dear's friend imploring her to give him another chance, well, I would be back in Texas right now...

Isn't it fascinating how sometimes we think putting our best foot forward means trying to be someone we are not? And, in fact, in most professional situations, it is probably better NOT to be yourself. Jack Donaghy is actually, irony of ironies, totally right! Abiding by certain agreed upon social conventions lubricates our professional lives. I don't put my bare feet on my desk, even though I would really like to, and you show up to work wearing pants. We all conform. It's not a bad trade off!

However, in matters of the heart, this just does not work. In fact, it might be true, that some relationships stumble BECAUSE people don't let down their guard, and shed all masks of pretension, and are comfortable with - this is key - the other person's differences. This means, of course, that you need to know who you are, what you believe in, and where you want to go.

This is an area, where, excluding date number one, Dear and Ian excel. I can hardly think of two people more confident in who they are, than these two, without being over confident. (OK, maybe Ian is a LITTLE over confident, but still...) They both know themselves, their personal areas of strength, and the areas they need to work on.

This enables them to know each other, appreciate each other, and love each other on a very deep level, not only despite, but even due to, their differences. Ian is able to say, "Dear is an extremely unique woman filled with contradictions, frustrations, and happiness..." And, though, as most guys, he is not as complex, her complexity makes him love her even more. Dear is able to say, "Having been with Ian for over 3 years, I have found that Ian has a dog-like personality (this is a compliment though)..." (Pause) OK, I admit, I still don't get that one... Listen to this one, though: "Another characteristic of Ian that makes me love him... is his passion. I have never seen anyone in my life (that) has (such) massive passion... (for everything) they are interested in. He has a passion for politics, his job, and (really) anything he does," and here's the kicker, "which is the exact opposite of me." And that enhances, rather than detracts from her love for him.

And so, Dear and Ian teach us a lesson well worth remembering for our romantic relationships. As Ian puts it, "Since we only have one life, why not spend it with a person that always keeps you on your toes..." Why not indeed...

Different, But All Very Much the Same

Saturday evening I officiated Dora and Barak’s wedding (in Spanish) at Cajamarca, in El Boquerón, El Salvador. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests. A translation in English follows the remarks in Spanish:

Me encanta citar parejas en mis observaciones personales. ¿Puede haber algo más hermoso que las palabras de la pareja acerca de su amor mutuo? Esta vez, probablemente porque esta pareja amorosa es muy inteligente y articulado, me encontré citándolos incluso más de lo habitual. Escuchen; esto es oro!

El primer encuentro de Barak con Dora da a todos los hombres esperanza. Así es como Dora lo cuenta: "Nos llevamos bien  desde el principio. Me disgusto el primer día, porque él nunca se hiba de mi oficina y era mi sombra todo el día asegurándose de que todo iba bien con el proyecto (el cual estábamos trabajando juntos). Sin embargo, esa sensación duró sólo un día. Me empezó a gustar el segundo día, cuando vi que era una buena persona y con corazón bueno". Así que, sí, muchachos; a veces las mujeres nos dan una segunda oportunidad!

Pero en serio,  había algo muy especial, casi místico de ese encuentro. Así es como Barak lo describe: "Desde el momento en que nos conocimos, yo sentía que había algo especial en ella y que estábamos destinados a estar juntos. De hecho, a menudo he sentido una mano invisible que nos está guiando a estar juntos. Un conjunto de circunstancias inusuales nos unió y nos permitió desarrollar nuestra relación a pesar de vivir en diferentes partes del mundo..." No es exactamente lo que se espera escuchar un economista de formación clásica, ¿verdad?

Dora hace eco de este sentimiento mágico: "Yo sabía desde la primera semana que lo conocí, que él era la persona con la que quería pasar el resto de mi vida... Yo simplemente lo sabía en mi corazón." Ella incluso relata que este sentimiento mágico parecía que casi podía alterar el continuo espacio-tiempo: "Disfruté cada minuto que pasamos juntos. Podíamos hablar y hablar durante horas sin darnos cuenta."

Barak habla de cómo Dora y él se complementan entre sí: "Dora me empuja cuando yo procrastino, me insiste a ser más asertivo en las áreas que son importantes para nosotros... Yo ayudo Dora... sugiriendo ser más paciente en lugar de reactiva y le ayuda a mantener la calma cuando está enojado..." Dora habla de la forma en que no sólo se complementan entre sí, pero alrededor de la otra pueden ser ellos mismos totalmente sin pretensiones: "Podemos ser torpes juntos y reírmos de cosas bobas que probablemente, otras personas no se reirían. Me siento cómoda siendo yo misma a su alrededor, y siento que me respeta y ama por lo que soy. Eso me hace amarlo aún más.”

Ahora, por supuesto, nada de esto habría sucedido si no fuera por las filosofías muy similares que Dora y Barak compartieron sobre el mundo mucho antes de que se conocieran. Dora da crédito a sus padres: "Mis padres siempre fueron muy abiertos a otras religiones. Prueba de ello es que me bautizaron en la religión cátolica y tambien fui a una escuela secundaria protestante. Esto me hizo tener una perspectiva diferente, y me permitió... respetar a todas las religiones, creo que todas tienen personas buenas y no tan buenas personas, y en mi opinión, todos conducen al mismo camino." Barak atribuye su apertura similar a sus viajes. Sé que esto va a sorprenderlos – él es un poco más analítico: "Mis viajes por todo el mundo me han puesto en contacto con muchas culturas, sociedades y religiones. Mientras que cada una es única en su manera, la mayoría tienden a compartir una serie de características comunes, incluyendo mitos fundados, una creencia sobre el lugar especial que ocupan en el mundo, y, para las religiones, una reivindicación de la verdad divina de la naturaleza de Dios y la manera correcta de servir a Dios... Con tantas religiones a elegir, ¿cómo vamos a saber cuál es la correcta?"

Esta es quizás la lección más importante que estas dos personas muy inteligentes nos enseñan hoy aquí. Somos diferentes, pero todos muy parecidos. Cuando nos despojamos de lo superficial y lo externo, lo que realmente queda es lo que realmente importa. Esperemos que más personas en el mundo le ponen atención a la lección de Dora y Barak.

Translation:

I love quoting couples in my personal remarks. Can there be anything more beautiful than a couple's words about their mutual love? This time, probably because this loving couple is really smart and articulate, I found myself quoting them even more than usual. Listen up; this is gold.

Barak's first encounter with Dora gives all men hope. Here is how Dora tells it: "We got a long right from the beginning. I disliked him the first day, because he never left my office and was my shadow the entire day making sure everything went ok with the project (we were working on). However, that feeling lasted only one day. I started liking him the second day when I saw he was a nice and good hearted person." So, yes, boys; sometimes you get a second chance!

Seriously, though, there was something extra special, almost mystical about that encounter. Here is how Barak describes it: "From the moment we met, I sensed there was something special about her and that we were meant to be together. In fact, I have often felt an invisible hand that is guiding us to be together. A rather unusual set of circumstances brought us together and allowed us to develop our relationship despite living in different parts of the world..." Not exactly what you would expect to hear from a classically trained economist, right?

Dora echoes this magical feeling: "I knew from the first week I met him, that he was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with... I simply knew it in my heart." She even relates that this magical feeling seemed like it could almost alter the space-time continuum: "I enjoyed every minute we spent together. We could talk and talk for hours without realizing it."

Barak talks about how much Dora and he complement each other: "Dora pushes me when I procrastinate, urges me to be more assertive in areas that are important to us... I help Dora... suggesting she be more patient instead of reactive, and helping her to be calm when she is angry..." Dora talks about how they not only complement each other, but around each other can totally be themselves without pretense: "We can be silly and goofy together and laugh at things probably other people wouldn’t laugh at. I feel comfortable being myself around him, and I feel he respects me and loves for who I am. That makes me love him even more."

Now, of course, none of this could have happened if not for the very similar philosophies that Dora and Barak shared about the world long before they met each other. Dora credits her parents: "My parents were always very open to other religions. Proof of that is I went to a Protestant high school. This made me have a different perspective, and allowed me to... respect all religions. I think they all have good people and not so good people, and in my opinion they all lead to the same path." Barak attributes his similar openness to his travels. I know this will shock you - he is a little more analytical: "My travels throughout the world have brought me into contact with many cultures, societies, and religions. While each is unique in their own ways, most tend to share a number of common features, including founding myths, a belief about the special place they occupy in the world, and, for religions, a claim to the divine truth of the nature of God and the correct way to serve God... With so many religions to choose from, how are we to know which is the correct one?"

This is perhaps the most important lesson these two very smart people teach us here today. We are different, but all very much the same. When we strip away the superficial and the external, what is really left is what really matters. Let us hope more people the world over heed Dora and Barak's lesson.

Creation and Evolution

Sunday evening I officiated Kim and Chris’s wedding at Cityplace in Dallas, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

I always ask couples two questions that coming from anybody else in any other circumstance, would be considered highly rude. Why do you want to get married, and why now? These are really important questions, and couples should know how to answer them, for their own sake. As you might imagine, I get a huge variety of answers. However, Chris' answer to this question stands out, even among the myriad of other grooms who quote Ancient Greek philosophers:

"Plato wrote that humans were once male and female and had four arms four legs. Zeus was threatened by humans, and so he split them into two beings. From then every human would forever long for his or her other half, the other half of his or her soul. It is said that when the two find each other, there is an unspoken understanding of one another, that they feel unified, that they would lie with each other in unity and would know no greater joy than that. Nothing," ends Chris, "better describes how I feel about Kimmy and why I want to marry her and marry her now."

Wow. Isn't that cool?! I am not entirely sure, but I think this is why Kim calls Chris her lobster. (They have four legs right?) Then again, how much can a rabbi really understand about seafood...?

Now the interesting thing is that this legend exists in the Judeo-Christian tradition too. In fact, it lies at the heart of the often misunderstood second creation story in Genesis. The way we usually understand the story is that God takes one of Adam's ribs and builds from it woman. However, a closer reading of the Hebrew reveals that this translation, found in the King James Bible is wrong. The words for rib and side are interchangeable, and the correct interpretation is that God slices the primordial Adam into two - two sides that were up until then one.

Now, you might ask, if this story found both in Plato's writings and in the Hebrew Bible reflects a certain truth, why is it that we don't all experience love at first sight, when we find that other half? Kim and Chris in their stories about themselves and each other address that, in fact. For though there are beautiful lessons to be learned from creation myths, we know as Judaism and Episcopalian Christianity acknowledge, that this world was not created, ad nihilo. None of our worlds spring fully grown out of nothing, and that is a good thing. This world, all worlds, in the collective sense and the individual sense, evolve. Kim vividly describes how she had to evolve to the point, where she could seek her long lost half, Chris. Chris vividly describes how he had to evolve to the point, where he could seek his long lost half, Kim. And when they came together, they did indeed feel that unspoken understanding of one another, but they still had to evolve as a couple. With time, with growth, with learning, with faith, and with love of themselves and of each other, they evolved and reached that moment of unity, where they would know no greater joy.

In this, in the tension we must exist in, between finding what and who was created for us, and that towards which we must evolve, Kim and Chris teach us a huge lesson, one we would all do well to heed.

Ineffable Qualities

Friday night I officiated Julie and Mike’s wedding ceremony at the Maple Manor Hotel in Dallas, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

One of my first questions to every couple is how they met. More and more often, couples tell me they met online. Frankly, our grandchildren will probably find it odd if we did NOT meet online. Why wouldn't you want the certainty of a computer based algorithm matching you?! It only makes sense.

The thing is that whether meeting online or offline, and our future grand kids are probably right, algorithms are helpful, there are certain ineffable qualities that are difficult to measure, be it with an abacus or with a binary based formula. This is where the secret of Julie and Mike's relationship is instructive.

If you know Julie, Mike's description of her is not surprising: "Julie is one of the most caring people I have ever met. She is quick to put your well-being over hers, and is always there to lend you a hand, or to listen to what’s bothering you. She has an infectious laugh, a smile that lights up a room, and a face that could be on the cover of a magazine."

Now, if you listen to Julie, she'll tell you that many of the qualities that Mike identifies in her, she sees in him. This is at least part of the reason she says, "When I met Mike Gold, my life became complete. I have never felt more secure and safe than I do with him. My heart has found its home."

Hopefully, though, we meet many more people out there with such great qualities. What is that ineffable thing that put this couple over the top? Listen to Mike: "We just clicked. You see, the biggest reason why I want to marry Julie is that she gets me... I’m a little weird and she’s a little weird, so we could be weird together."

That's it. Beyond great qualities that friends might notice, beyond attributes that computers might figure out, there is that mysterious feeling, that this person just gets me, that we can drop all pretenses, shed all masks, and yes, even be weird together.

This is why both Julie and Mike will both tell you, "You can ask any of our mutual friends about this, and they’ll tell you we were made for each other. And (we) truly believe that."

Jazzed Up - Lessons for Interfaith Marriage from the Soul of the Crescent City

Karin and Barry are wrapped in Barry's tallit (prayer shawl)
to receive the Priestly Blessing

I have written before about my love for  New Orleans, and this is a love I share with many people. I consider myself very fortunate to live in Dallas, where I am just a short flight away from the Crescent City. New Orleans just has a special magic that engages all of the senses. Every year I have a few couples who choose New Orleans as an in-country destination wedding location. A recent couple, Karin and Barry, inspired me to take a new look at New Orleans, in a way that connects the soul of the city to what I do, marry interfaith couples.    

Couples have different reasons for the dates and locations of their weddings. Having officiated over 260 weddings so far, I have probably heard more unique reasons than the average person. However, one of the most special and meaningful discussions I have had about this point with a couple was the first conversation I had with Karin and Barry.

Karin and Barry’s reason for marrying in New Orleans in the last week of April was not just their love for New Orleans, but their love of Jazz, and specifically their love affair with the annual New Orleans Jazz and Heritage Festival. They wanted their guests to enjoy this festival, which they attend religiously. Barry even jokes that Karin actually put a good old-fashioned New Orleans voodoo spell on him the previous year during the festival, to get him to propose! Propose he did in an old New Orleans shop, and here they were again to seal the deal…

What is the essence of Jazz? As the Jazz musician and scholar, Paul Hofmann, writes, Jazz has two characteristics that stand out, its swing beat and its improvisation. What is the swing beat? As another Jazz musician and scholar, Peter Brewer, points out, most music previous to jazz has a straight beat, which divides each single beat into groups of two, like this (read this out loud): 1 and 2 and 3 and 4, 1 and 2 and 3 and 4. Jazz however is based on groups of 3, like this (read this out loud, and snap your fingers): 1 and a 2 and a 3 and a 4, 1 and a 2 and a 3 and a 4.

Now, if you know anything about Jazz, you know that improvisation is not just a characteristic of Jazz; it is the very soul of Jazz. If a classical musician plays what is on the page, for the Jazz musician the page, if there even is one, is just the start. It’s not that there are no rules; it’s just that the rules are much less stringent. The main thing is to let the music flow, and really get into the groove.

There are some great lessons here for marriage. As I have written elsewhere, every marriage is an intermarriage; we each come from different families, and grow up with different sets of experiences. Interfaith marriage just involves one more difference between two people. Now, marriage might seem to involve the joining of these two; two getting into one straight beat. However, when you look a little closer, you see that much like Jazz, a harmonious marriage dances best to the swing beat. There are three beings that must be cultivated, the two partners, and the marriage itself. It is a third entity, which must be carefully nurtured by two people, working together as one in a loving relationship. And, if you know anything about marriage, you know that improvisation has to be its very soul. If there is a page, it can only be the start. It’s not that there are no rules; it’s just that the rules are much less stringent. The main thing is to let the relationship flow, and really get into the groove.

So, next time you hear some great Jazz in New Orleans, be it during the New Orleans Jazz & Heritage Festival or not, remember these lessons for your own life and love. Dance to the swing beat, don’t be afraid to improvise, and let yourself get into the groove. That is the way to live life to the fullest. Just ask Karin and Barry, and if you’re there in late April, you can ask them in person…

Copyright 2015 – Rabbi David S. Gruber – All Rights Reserved

Always Crazy… Wouldn’t Have It Any Other Way

Saturday evening I officiated Lauren and Ryan’s wedding ceremony at The Joule in Dallas, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

I heard a comedian recently recount how he got out of going to the ballet. (I can see the guys here paying more attention now...) What he did might surprise you. Rather than saying he did not want to go to the ballet, and getting into a confrontation, he actually doubled down, "The ballet? I love the ballet! Me and my ex - that was our thing!" After a moment or two of silence, his girlfriend said, "Screw the ballet! Let's stay home and watch a movie..."

This short story highlights two issues that make for the bread and butter of both comedy and therapy, recognizing the differences between partners and the challenges we have communicating them and about them.

This is unfortunate, since it does need to be so. I mean, listen to what Lauren says about meeting Ryan: "We clicked instantly, and have been together ever since. Ryan is such a kind-soul and is an amazing person as well as partner." And Ryan doesn't hold back either: "She is the most thoughtful person that I know, and would do just about anything for me." With those kinds of statements screw the ballet, right?!

The thing is that many couples allow these very types of differences to overshadow their love. Not Lauren and Ryan. Listen to Ryan: "Oddly enough, Lauren and I... really don't share any major interests that I can think of.  Although it can be frustrating sometimes, I think that in many ways, it's a good thing. It gives us an opportunity to be individuals, and we don't feel forced to hesitantly get into something that we honestly don't care about, just to appease one another."

Isn't that cool? So, HOW do they do it?  Well, it goes back to that second issue - communication. Lauren and Ryan are tremendously open with each other, and they communicate their differences and about their differences. That is how and why Ryan can state what is mutually true about their acceptance of each other, "She allows me to be me, and she accepts me that way."

It is this acceptance that promises, in Ryan's words, that, "There is nothing that either of us could do to change the love that we have for one another. " It is this communication that allows Lauren to say, "Things are always crazy in our lives, but I really wouldn’t have it any other way!"

They Just Have It Made

Yesterday evening (2/28) Reverend Marty Younkin and I co-officiated Rani and Shawn's wedding ceremony at the Rosewood Crescent Hotel in Dallas, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

There is one thing you can't help thinking about when you do what I do.. What is it? Simple: Will THIS couple make it? However, I never asked that question about Rani and Shawn. They are going to make it. No doubt about it.

So, how do I know? Just spend a little time with Rani and Shawn, listen to their love story, and observe how it continues to unfold, and how they nurture it. Rani says, in a characteristically straightforward manner, "The thing that I love most about Shawn is that he loves me so completely... I look forward to growing old together and hope we always stay a little weird. I love that about us." Shawn, not surprisingly, is very analytical: "She was strikingly beautiful... As I got to know Rani better, I realized that she was even more beautiful inside than out. What started out as friendship grew stronger. She was smart, witty, strong, sweet, caring……AND very pretty."

Now, all of that is important, vital, critical, but not enough. Rani and Shawn have that additional component that I base my prediction on. They have committed to doing the work that needs to be done. They show this by having done so in the past. As Shawn says, "We spent a lot of time on understanding us... (and) many of the challenges that (already)... wed couples may otherwise face." They continue to do so in the present. As Shawn says, "I feel like our relationship gets better every day and I look forward to spending the rest of my life with her." They will do so in the future. As Rani says, "I still think we can improve."

It is this type of recognition, that marriage is something you need to work at, that the wedding is just the beginning, and that your relationship can and should evolve into something that gets more wonderful every day that will enable Rani and Shawn to go the distance. They just have it made …

Following Their Own Path - An Alternative Reading of a Talmudic Story

This last Saturday evening (12/6), I officiated Jenny and Pablo's wedding ceremony at the St. Regis Hotel in Mexico City, Mexico. This was the fifth time I officiated a ceremony entirely in Spanish. Here are the personal remarks I shared, followed by an English translation of these remarks:

Pensando en Jenny y en Pablo, me acordé de un héroe literario, uno que pocos conocen, incluso en el mundo judío, llamado Elisha ben Avuyah. Como un anti-héroe en el Talmud, el libro de 60 volúmenes sobre la ley y las tradiciones, se habla de él en ocasiones como “Acher”, que en Hebreo significa “otro”, y que es probablemente una amalgama de dos personas reales.

¿Qué fue tan especial sobre Elisha? Bueno, fue uno de los estudiosos más importantes de la Torah en el periodo durante y después de la destrucción de Jerusalem en el Siglo primero. Esta era una época en que nadie sabía si el judaísmo sobreviviría. Las tradiciones judías, que llevamos hasta este mismo día, fueron fundadas durante este periodo crucial. Elisha fue parte de este esfuerzo y sus enseñanzas son el núcleo del Pensamiento Talmúdico, como fue entregado a su discípulo, el Rabino Meir.

Y después, rompió con la tradición. Las leyendas talmúdicas varían de nuevo en el por qué, y ya que no vieron este acto positivamente, son de dudoso valor en asegurar exactamente qué ocurrió. Lo que parece cierto, sin embargo, como muchas tradiciones talmúdicas admiten con disgusto, es que él no se separó de los estándares del cumplimiento judío que aún se estaban desarrollando, por tener alguna falla moral o de carácter.

Por el contrario, ellos admiten que rompió con la tradición, porque no estuvo de acuerdo con algunas de las bases filosóficas que los rabinos talmúdicos como él fueron poniendo como fundamentos del judaísmo futuro. También, quería buscar las respuestas que no podía hallar en lo que él consideró era un campo muy estrecho. Fue el mismo estudio intelectual en el que estaba comprometido, el que lo apartó. Tenía que ser honesto consigo mismo, expandir sus horizontes, y seguir sus propias conclusiones intelectuales.

Quizá es por esto que el Rabino Meir, para el asombro de otros rabinos, continuó estudiando con él. De hecho, el Talmud cuenta una fascinante historia sobre una sesión de estudio entre ambos personajes. Esta parte en especial es la que me hizo pensar en Jenny y en Pablo. La historia nos cuenta que un día de Shabat, Elisha estaba montando a caballo, (un acto prohibido para la tradición judía en este día de descanso), y el Rabino Meir caminaba a su lado, mientras analizaban las complejidades de un texto. Elisha hizo una pausa en un punto y le dijo al Rabino Meir que ha contado los pasos del caballo, y que ha llegado al límite en que uno puede caminar en Shabat, y que por esta razón el Rabino debería de regresar. El Rabino contestó con una expresión de muchas interpretaciones: “Regresa conmigo”. Con esto se refirió no solamente a que su gran maestro debería de regresar a la ciudad, sino que debería de regresar a la tradición judía.

La leyenda talmúdica termina con diferentes tipos de respuestas en las que Elisha se expresa con dificultad, supuestamente admitiendo que debería regresar pero que no puede. Claro, esta es la forma en la que los rabinos cuentan la historia. Yo, sin embargo, pienso que hay una razón legítima para leer el final de forma distinta.

La historia en el Talmud es contada desde el punto de vista del Rabino Meir. No obstante, volteemos la mirada y cambiemos de lentes, y pensemos la historia desde el punto de vista de Elisha. Primero que nada, ¿por qué ha decidido continuar sus estudios con su alumno, el Rabino Meir? Bueno, sería legítimo deducir que él ama estudiar. Ama la búsqueda intelectual por su propio bien, y por el conocimiento filosófico profundo que se encuentra en éste. Y no solamente se dedicó a estudiar por su cuenta, sino que siempre enseñó a su estudiante, el Rabino Meir, porque enseñar es la mejor forma para que uno mismo aprenda.

Pero hay más cosas aquí. Elisha se conecta más con los aspectos intelectuales y culturales de su tradición, y no tanto con los aspectos religiosos de ésta. Sin embargo, por el gran amor por su estudiante, es considerado y respetuoso con el hecho de que el Rabino Meir se relacione más con los aspectos religiosos de la fe.

No obstante, cuando el Rabino Meir le pide que regrese a la tradición, yo imagino a Elisha sonriéndole desde su caballo, con una sonrisa llena de un amor profundo y un significado todavía más profundo. Con esa sonrisa, le dice al Rabino Meir, que aunque lo quiere mucho, no puede regresar. Él ha establecido una visión del mundo sensata y firme, igual de legítima que la del Rabino Meir. Ellos ven el mundo de forma distinta. Él está tan cómodo en su perspectiva secular del mundo como el Rabino Meir está en su perspectiva religiosa del mundo. Y aún así, pueden coexistir. Incluso imagino a Elisha mirando desde su caballo 2000 años hacia el futuro, en donde un acercamiento a la vida como éste prevalece.

Ahora, ¿Por qué la historia de Jenny y Pablo me hizo pensar en la historia de Elisha?, bueno, en parte debería ya de ser obvio. Solamente hay que leer entre las líneas. ¡Jenny y Pablo les pueden enseñar cómo!

Pero elaboraré algunos puntos. Ellos dos se reunieron por el estudio, por una búsqueda intelectual, y por el amor al aprendizaje mismo. Y sé, que si las últimas 251 parejas que he casado los hubieran conocido, no se ofenderían si digo que ellos seguramente son la pareja más inteligente que he casado hasta ahora!

Sin embargo, los estudios y la inteligencia tienen un límite en el camino. Puedes vivir una vida bifurcada y muchos lo hacen, en donde conclusiones intelectuales se mantienen a raya. Este no es el caso de Jenny y Pablo. Ellos han sido valientes en sus estudios e intrépidos en su búsqueda intelectual, como Elisha, siendo intensamente honestos con ellos mismos, llevando estos estudios a sus conclusiones lógicas. Y, como Elisha, ven en el estudiar juntos y en la enseñanza, en muchos entornos diferentes, el mejor camino para alcanzar alturas intelectuales.

Pero la parte más importante es el resto de la historia. Jenny y Pablo rinden homenaje a sus respectivos trasfondos a través de esta misma ceremonia. No obstante, están en un camino ligeramente distinto, uno que se teje dentro de las tradiciones que reconocen. Este camino, arraigado en un intelecto profundo, fundado en un estudio cuidadoso, y comprometido en el pensamiento y discurso actuales, es el camino que abrazan hoy, y el camino que seguirán en el futuro, con el más profundo amor por todos ustedes, su familia y amigos.

English Translation:

Thinking about Jenny and Pablo, I was reminded of one of my personal literary heroes, one few people even in the Jewish world know of, Elisha ben Avuyah. As an anti-hero in the Talmud, the great 60 volume book of law and lore, he is sometimes referred to as "Acher", which is Hebrew for "Other", and is probably an amalgamation of two actual real life people.

What was so special about Elisha? Well, he was one of the giants of Torah scholarship in the period during and after the destruction of Jerusalem in the First Century. This was a time when no one knew if Judaism would survive. The traditions Judaism lives with to this very day were laid down during that crucial period. Elisha was part of this effort, and his teachings are at the core of Talmudic Thought, as handed down to his disciple, Rabbi Meir.

And then, he broke with tradition. The Talmudic legends once again vary as to why, and since they did not view this act positively, they are of dubious value in ascertaining exactly what happened. What seems clear, though, as most Talmudic traditions begrudgingly admit, is that he did not turn away from the still developing standards of Jewish observance, because he had any moral or character flaw.

On the contrary, they admit that he broke with tradition, because he disagreed with some of the philosophical underpinnings that the Talmudic Rabbis like him were laying as the foundation of future Judaism. He also wanted to look for the answers he could not find in what he found too narrow a field. It was the very intellectual study he was engaged in, that turned him away. He had to be honest with himself, widen his horizons, and follow his intellectual conclusions.

Perhaps because of this, Rabbi Meir, to the consternation of the other Rabbis, continued to study with him. In fact the Talmud recounts a fascinating story about such a study session. This study session specifically is the one that made me think of Jenny and Pablo. It tells us that one Sabbath Elisha was riding a horse (an act forbidden by Jewish tradition on the day of rest) and Rabbi Meir was walking beside him, as they dissected the intricacies of a text. Elisha paused at one point, and told Rabbi Meir that he had counted the horse's strides, and having reached the boundary beyond which one should not travel on the Sabbath, Rabbi Meir should turn back. Rabbi Meir responded, in a multi-layered expression, "Return with me." In this he meant that his great teacher should not only return to town, but return to living by the laws of the Jewish tradition.

Now, the Talmudic legends end with different types of mealy mouthed responses of Elisha, supposedly admitting that he should but cannot. Of course, that is the way Rabbis tell the story. I, however, think there is legitimate reason to read the end differently.

The story in the Talmud is, as to be expected, told from the point of view of Rabbi Meir. However, let's switch the lens, and think about this from the point of view of Elisha. First of all, why has he continued to study with his student, Rabbi Meir? Well, it would be legitimate to deduce that he loves to study. He loves the intellectual pursuit for its own sake, and for the deep philosophical inquiry involved with it. And he did not just engage in study on his own. He kept teaching his student, Rabbi Meir, because teaching is the best way for you yourself to learn.

There is more here, though. Elisha himself connects to the intellectual and cultural aspects of his tradition, and not so much the religious aspects of this tradition. However, due to his great love for his student, he is mindful and respectful of the fact that Rabbi Meir connects to those religious aspects of the faith.

However, when Rabbi Meir asks him to return to tradition, I imagine him smiling down him from atop the horse, with a smile full of deep love and deeper meaning. With that smile he tells Rabbi Meir that though he still greatly loves him, he can't really return. He has established a firm and well thought out world-view, as legitimate as Rabbi Meir's. They see the world differently. He is as comfortable in his secular world-view as Rabbi Meir is in his religious point of view, and they can co-exist. I even imagine Elisha looking from atop his horse 2000 years into the future, where such an approach to life prevails.

Now, why did Jenny and Pablo's story make me think of Elisha's story? Well, in part it should be obvious already. Just read between the lines. Jenny and Pablo can show you how!

However, allow me to elaborate on a few points. These two came together because of study, because of intellectual pursuit, because of learning for learning's sake. And, I know that if the previous 251 couples I have married knew them, they would not be offended by my saying that they are positively the smartest couple I have married so far!

However, smarts and studies will only take you so far. You can and many do live bifurcated lives, where intellectual conclusions are kept at bay. Not so with Jenny and Pablo. They have been brave in their studies and fearless in their intellectual pursuits, like Elisha remaining fiercely honest with themselves, following these studies to their logical conclusions. And, like Elisha, they see studying together and teaching, in many different settings, as the best way to reach intellectual heights.

But the most important part is the rest of the story. Jenny and Pablo pay homage to their respective backgrounds through this very ceremony. However, they are on a slightly different path, one weaved within the traditions they acknowledge. This path, rooted in deep intellect, founded on careful study, and engaged in ongoing thought and discourse, is the path they embrace today, and the path they will continue to follow tomorrow, with the deepest love for all of you, their family and friends.