Tradition!

Saturday evening, I officiated Sarah and Sam’s wedding ceremony at Arlington Hall at Oak Park, in Dallas, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

I ask every person I marry to answer two essential questions: “Why get married and why now?” I am, actually, one of the only people who can ask them that question. Anyone else asking this question would be exhibiting extremely rude behavior. Just imagine your co-worker strutting into the office Monday morning and offering her hand, so you can see her new engagement ring. Now, imagine her reaction if instead of, “Congratulations,” you responded with, “Why?” That’s one awkward day at the office! And, yet, in all seriousness, we need to be able to answer these questions, so someone – yes me – needs to ask them.

I love how Sarah and Sam answer these questions, especially because they are layered answers. Sam says, “’I want to get married because I… couldn’t see my life without her.” He is very realistic about human relationships too: “I’ve realized relationships will always have issues… and it’s about working through those issues with someone whose positive moments and attributes outweigh the negative ones.” Now, you might question why I mention that quote; I mean it is not about to be printed in any Hallmark cards. Because I truly believe what Sam says is true, and Sarah does too. She says that marriage is about having, “a true life partner to experience everything with – the highs and the lows,” and both are equally important, in reality.

Sarah and Sam are also very clear about why now. Sarah says, “I knew Sam was the one pretty early on. After a month or so of dating I decided I wanted to bring him on a family trip with me in Mexico, which was absolutely unheard of to my family because I never brought guys around, much less on a vacation. I think they knew then too. Even though I knew I loved him early on we clearly weren’t ready for marriage then but couldn’t be more ready now.” That self-awareness is very lacking in today’s world and is invaluable to the success of any relationship.

Now, Sam does one more thing that threw me for a loop in his discussion of why marry and why now. He pulls the ultimate Jewish power move. He answers my question with a question. Do you know why a Jew will answer a question with a question? Why not?!  

Seriously, though, he asks, “Why marriage vs. just living together?” This is a question that is not asked often enough. In Europe, for instance, it is quite normal to have an extremely long-term partner, without formalizing the arrangement through marriage. Even in Texas, which is not very European, once a certain time elapses, common law allows for some type of sui generis marriage. 

Interestingly, about 830 years before Sam asked this question, the great rabbi and philosopher, Maimonides, implicitly asked the same question. His answer is intriguing. He says that before the giving of the Torah, something akin to common law marriage was perfectly acceptable, with nothing else required. However, says Maimonides, “Once the Torah was given, Israel was commanded,” to marry in the presence of witnesses.” Or, as Sam puts it channeling both Maimonides and the Fiddler’s Tevya, “Tradition!” It is indeed our tradition that calls on us in Sam’s words to, as we will do in a moment, solidify, “our bond in front of family, friends, and God.”

It is with this type of solid bond in mind that Sarah says, “I couldn’t imagine not coming home to him every single day. We… realize how big a step this is, and we’re excited for the journey ahead.”

Following Their Own Path - An Alternative Reading of a Talmudic Story

This last Saturday evening (12/6), I officiated Jenny and Pablo's wedding ceremony at the St. Regis Hotel in Mexico City, Mexico. This was the fifth time I officiated a ceremony entirely in Spanish. Here are the personal remarks I shared, followed by an English translation of these remarks:

Pensando en Jenny y en Pablo, me acordé de un héroe literario, uno que pocos conocen, incluso en el mundo judío, llamado Elisha ben Avuyah. Como un anti-héroe en el Talmud, el libro de 60 volúmenes sobre la ley y las tradiciones, se habla de él en ocasiones como “Acher”, que en Hebreo significa “otro”, y que es probablemente una amalgama de dos personas reales.

¿Qué fue tan especial sobre Elisha? Bueno, fue uno de los estudiosos más importantes de la Torah en el periodo durante y después de la destrucción de Jerusalem en el Siglo primero. Esta era una época en que nadie sabía si el judaísmo sobreviviría. Las tradiciones judías, que llevamos hasta este mismo día, fueron fundadas durante este periodo crucial. Elisha fue parte de este esfuerzo y sus enseñanzas son el núcleo del Pensamiento Talmúdico, como fue entregado a su discípulo, el Rabino Meir.

Y después, rompió con la tradición. Las leyendas talmúdicas varían de nuevo en el por qué, y ya que no vieron este acto positivamente, son de dudoso valor en asegurar exactamente qué ocurrió. Lo que parece cierto, sin embargo, como muchas tradiciones talmúdicas admiten con disgusto, es que él no se separó de los estándares del cumplimiento judío que aún se estaban desarrollando, por tener alguna falla moral o de carácter.

Por el contrario, ellos admiten que rompió con la tradición, porque no estuvo de acuerdo con algunas de las bases filosóficas que los rabinos talmúdicos como él fueron poniendo como fundamentos del judaísmo futuro. También, quería buscar las respuestas que no podía hallar en lo que él consideró era un campo muy estrecho. Fue el mismo estudio intelectual en el que estaba comprometido, el que lo apartó. Tenía que ser honesto consigo mismo, expandir sus horizontes, y seguir sus propias conclusiones intelectuales.

Quizá es por esto que el Rabino Meir, para el asombro de otros rabinos, continuó estudiando con él. De hecho, el Talmud cuenta una fascinante historia sobre una sesión de estudio entre ambos personajes. Esta parte en especial es la que me hizo pensar en Jenny y en Pablo. La historia nos cuenta que un día de Shabat, Elisha estaba montando a caballo, (un acto prohibido para la tradición judía en este día de descanso), y el Rabino Meir caminaba a su lado, mientras analizaban las complejidades de un texto. Elisha hizo una pausa en un punto y le dijo al Rabino Meir que ha contado los pasos del caballo, y que ha llegado al límite en que uno puede caminar en Shabat, y que por esta razón el Rabino debería de regresar. El Rabino contestó con una expresión de muchas interpretaciones: “Regresa conmigo”. Con esto se refirió no solamente a que su gran maestro debería de regresar a la ciudad, sino que debería de regresar a la tradición judía.

La leyenda talmúdica termina con diferentes tipos de respuestas en las que Elisha se expresa con dificultad, supuestamente admitiendo que debería regresar pero que no puede. Claro, esta es la forma en la que los rabinos cuentan la historia. Yo, sin embargo, pienso que hay una razón legítima para leer el final de forma distinta.

La historia en el Talmud es contada desde el punto de vista del Rabino Meir. No obstante, volteemos la mirada y cambiemos de lentes, y pensemos la historia desde el punto de vista de Elisha. Primero que nada, ¿por qué ha decidido continuar sus estudios con su alumno, el Rabino Meir? Bueno, sería legítimo deducir que él ama estudiar. Ama la búsqueda intelectual por su propio bien, y por el conocimiento filosófico profundo que se encuentra en éste. Y no solamente se dedicó a estudiar por su cuenta, sino que siempre enseñó a su estudiante, el Rabino Meir, porque enseñar es la mejor forma para que uno mismo aprenda.

Pero hay más cosas aquí. Elisha se conecta más con los aspectos intelectuales y culturales de su tradición, y no tanto con los aspectos religiosos de ésta. Sin embargo, por el gran amor por su estudiante, es considerado y respetuoso con el hecho de que el Rabino Meir se relacione más con los aspectos religiosos de la fe.

No obstante, cuando el Rabino Meir le pide que regrese a la tradición, yo imagino a Elisha sonriéndole desde su caballo, con una sonrisa llena de un amor profundo y un significado todavía más profundo. Con esa sonrisa, le dice al Rabino Meir, que aunque lo quiere mucho, no puede regresar. Él ha establecido una visión del mundo sensata y firme, igual de legítima que la del Rabino Meir. Ellos ven el mundo de forma distinta. Él está tan cómodo en su perspectiva secular del mundo como el Rabino Meir está en su perspectiva religiosa del mundo. Y aún así, pueden coexistir. Incluso imagino a Elisha mirando desde su caballo 2000 años hacia el futuro, en donde un acercamiento a la vida como éste prevalece.

Ahora, ¿Por qué la historia de Jenny y Pablo me hizo pensar en la historia de Elisha?, bueno, en parte debería ya de ser obvio. Solamente hay que leer entre las líneas. ¡Jenny y Pablo les pueden enseñar cómo!

Pero elaboraré algunos puntos. Ellos dos se reunieron por el estudio, por una búsqueda intelectual, y por el amor al aprendizaje mismo. Y sé, que si las últimas 251 parejas que he casado los hubieran conocido, no se ofenderían si digo que ellos seguramente son la pareja más inteligente que he casado hasta ahora!

Sin embargo, los estudios y la inteligencia tienen un límite en el camino. Puedes vivir una vida bifurcada y muchos lo hacen, en donde conclusiones intelectuales se mantienen a raya. Este no es el caso de Jenny y Pablo. Ellos han sido valientes en sus estudios e intrépidos en su búsqueda intelectual, como Elisha, siendo intensamente honestos con ellos mismos, llevando estos estudios a sus conclusiones lógicas. Y, como Elisha, ven en el estudiar juntos y en la enseñanza, en muchos entornos diferentes, el mejor camino para alcanzar alturas intelectuales.

Pero la parte más importante es el resto de la historia. Jenny y Pablo rinden homenaje a sus respectivos trasfondos a través de esta misma ceremonia. No obstante, están en un camino ligeramente distinto, uno que se teje dentro de las tradiciones que reconocen. Este camino, arraigado en un intelecto profundo, fundado en un estudio cuidadoso, y comprometido en el pensamiento y discurso actuales, es el camino que abrazan hoy, y el camino que seguirán en el futuro, con el más profundo amor por todos ustedes, su familia y amigos.

English Translation:

Thinking about Jenny and Pablo, I was reminded of one of my personal literary heroes, one few people even in the Jewish world know of, Elisha ben Avuyah. As an anti-hero in the Talmud, the great 60 volume book of law and lore, he is sometimes referred to as "Acher", which is Hebrew for "Other", and is probably an amalgamation of two actual real life people.

What was so special about Elisha? Well, he was one of the giants of Torah scholarship in the period during and after the destruction of Jerusalem in the First Century. This was a time when no one knew if Judaism would survive. The traditions Judaism lives with to this very day were laid down during that crucial period. Elisha was part of this effort, and his teachings are at the core of Talmudic Thought, as handed down to his disciple, Rabbi Meir.

And then, he broke with tradition. The Talmudic legends once again vary as to why, and since they did not view this act positively, they are of dubious value in ascertaining exactly what happened. What seems clear, though, as most Talmudic traditions begrudgingly admit, is that he did not turn away from the still developing standards of Jewish observance, because he had any moral or character flaw.

On the contrary, they admit that he broke with tradition, because he disagreed with some of the philosophical underpinnings that the Talmudic Rabbis like him were laying as the foundation of future Judaism. He also wanted to look for the answers he could not find in what he found too narrow a field. It was the very intellectual study he was engaged in, that turned him away. He had to be honest with himself, widen his horizons, and follow his intellectual conclusions.

Perhaps because of this, Rabbi Meir, to the consternation of the other Rabbis, continued to study with him. In fact the Talmud recounts a fascinating story about such a study session. This study session specifically is the one that made me think of Jenny and Pablo. It tells us that one Sabbath Elisha was riding a horse (an act forbidden by Jewish tradition on the day of rest) and Rabbi Meir was walking beside him, as they dissected the intricacies of a text. Elisha paused at one point, and told Rabbi Meir that he had counted the horse's strides, and having reached the boundary beyond which one should not travel on the Sabbath, Rabbi Meir should turn back. Rabbi Meir responded, in a multi-layered expression, "Return with me." In this he meant that his great teacher should not only return to town, but return to living by the laws of the Jewish tradition.

Now, the Talmudic legends end with different types of mealy mouthed responses of Elisha, supposedly admitting that he should but cannot. Of course, that is the way Rabbis tell the story. I, however, think there is legitimate reason to read the end differently.

The story in the Talmud is, as to be expected, told from the point of view of Rabbi Meir. However, let's switch the lens, and think about this from the point of view of Elisha. First of all, why has he continued to study with his student, Rabbi Meir? Well, it would be legitimate to deduce that he loves to study. He loves the intellectual pursuit for its own sake, and for the deep philosophical inquiry involved with it. And he did not just engage in study on his own. He kept teaching his student, Rabbi Meir, because teaching is the best way for you yourself to learn.

There is more here, though. Elisha himself connects to the intellectual and cultural aspects of his tradition, and not so much the religious aspects of this tradition. However, due to his great love for his student, he is mindful and respectful of the fact that Rabbi Meir connects to those religious aspects of the faith.

However, when Rabbi Meir asks him to return to tradition, I imagine him smiling down him from atop the horse, with a smile full of deep love and deeper meaning. With that smile he tells Rabbi Meir that though he still greatly loves him, he can't really return. He has established a firm and well thought out world-view, as legitimate as Rabbi Meir's. They see the world differently. He is as comfortable in his secular world-view as Rabbi Meir is in his religious point of view, and they can co-exist. I even imagine Elisha looking from atop his horse 2000 years into the future, where such an approach to life prevails.

Now, why did Jenny and Pablo's story make me think of Elisha's story? Well, in part it should be obvious already. Just read between the lines. Jenny and Pablo can show you how!

However, allow me to elaborate on a few points. These two came together because of study, because of intellectual pursuit, because of learning for learning's sake. And, I know that if the previous 251 couples I have married knew them, they would not be offended by my saying that they are positively the smartest couple I have married so far!

However, smarts and studies will only take you so far. You can and many do live bifurcated lives, where intellectual conclusions are kept at bay. Not so with Jenny and Pablo. They have been brave in their studies and fearless in their intellectual pursuits, like Elisha remaining fiercely honest with themselves, following these studies to their logical conclusions. And, like Elisha, they see studying together and teaching, in many different settings, as the best way to reach intellectual heights.

But the most important part is the rest of the story. Jenny and Pablo pay homage to their respective backgrounds through this very ceremony. However, they are on a slightly different path, one weaved within the traditions they acknowledge. This path, rooted in deep intellect, founded on careful study, and engaged in ongoing thought and discourse, is the path they embrace today, and the path they will continue to follow tomorrow, with the deepest love for all of you, their family and friends.

It's Not about You

Yesterday (10/17) I co-officiated Mark and Katie’s wedding ceremony with Father Chris Weber at the Immaculate Conception Catholic Church in Willoughby, Ohio.

Interestingly this very idea resonates with Katie and Mark in the way they live their lives. They are genuinely curious individuals, who try to learn from everyone they interact with, and every situation they encounter. So I wondered to myself, what is it that has allowed them to acquire this vital trait. Could it be the fact that between them they have more degrees than a thermometer? Perhaps. Then again, we all know people who are very well educated in the conventional sense of the word, while also making it clear that, in their eyes, they have nothing left to learn...

So, I continued to wonder, and I found a more promising clue. Maybe it was that they both grew up in households with proud religious and cultural traditions. Katie grew up in the Catholic tradition, and Mark, in an interfaith household, as Mark’s dad, Howard, is Jewish and his mom, Mary, is Lutheran. Perhaps. Then again, there are people that are very much connected to their traditions, and still, sometimes even because of that very fact, seem to have all the answers...

Then I hit on it. It was a different aspect of their traditions, specifically how their parents raised them in those traditions. As you have probably noticed by now, these two grew up in very different religious backgrounds. The actual approach to religion itself was different in each household. However, there is one common thing that really stands out in how they discuss their families' and their own differing approaches to religion. Both of them say that when you get down to brass tacks, what is really important is to be good to other people.

Now, when you really and truly believe that that is the only absolute, you understand probably the most important foundational tenet of the good life: It's not about you.

Now, once you get that, the logical extension is that you probably don't have all the answers. The logical extension of that is that if you pay attention, you might just learn something.

This is why Mark will tell you that from his first interaction with Katie, he felt this incredible ease. She was easy to talk to, she made him immediately comfortable. Without even mentioning this concept, he got it: she did not think it was all about her. Katie knew the same about Mark. She had a cool telling question she had asked a number of guys: What is your favorite song? Other guys were happy to tell her, but that was it. Mark told her, and then asked her what her favorite song was. It was immediately clear to her. This guy knows, that it is not all about him.

You see the cool thing about being raised with the understanding that it's not all about you, and really internalizing it, is that counter intuitively it ends up influencing YOU more than anyone else. It makes YOU a better person, and a better partner. When you find a partner that shares this perspective, differences matter a whole lot less, because on this one issue, from which most values derive, you are on the same page.

Katie shared with me that her close friend, Lil, for whom she cared in her last years of life, told her that there was a guy out there who was just for her, a match made in heaven, if you will. Katie is confident that Lil is looking down right now, and giving her the thumbs up. This actually echoes a concept we Jews call Beshert, which like many Yiddish words almost resists simple translation, with its multilayered richness. It usually refers to a couple, and means made for each other, though it can also mean general good fortune.

Many times it is understood as something mystical, but maybe it is, and Lil's promise to Katie too, have a more conventional explanation. Our parents, and then we ourselves, make us who we are. If you are raised with and continue to abide by the simple understanding that it's not about you, than in essence, just like Katie and Mark, well, you are truly made for each other. Now, that is truly Beshert...

The Great Power of Love and Sacrifice

This last Saturday I co-officiated Eve and Patrick's wedding at the Marty Leonard Chapel in the Fort Worth, Texas with my good friend, Deacon Mike Gesch. Here are my remarks:

Today we celebrate Eve and Patrick's mutual love in the context of their religious traditions. Though there are differences between their traditions, many of the ideas they celebrate regarding marriage are shared.

Both faiths emphasize the importance of finding the love of our lives, both faiths tell us that that love involves making sacrifices, and both faiths idealize marriage as the best vehicle for that mutual love and sacrifice between two loving individuals.

Eve and Patrick speak so lovingly about each other, that you know this is the type of love they share. Patrick says, "I am always happier when I am with her than when we are apart." Eve says, "I thank God everyday for making and bringing me my other half, soul mate, and best friend."

It is clear too that this love was not created in a vaccum. Both Eve and Patrick talk about what an incredible example their parents set for them with their love stories. And so this is in fact a multi-generational tale.

Eve and Patrick, what we wish for you is that continue this shared tradition. Continue to exhibit your romance for the next generation. Carry this love story forward, and may your children after you know the same joys of true love and sacrifice in the context of sturdy marital relationships.

Making Your Dreams Come True

We started this year with a wedding on New Year's, and fittingly ended it on Christmas Day. This was the first interfaith wedding I officiated, where all food was catered strictly kosher. It was held at Selina's parents' home in Colleyville, Texas. Selina’s family members are Isma’ilis. While it is impossible to truly reduce a religious tradition to a few words, the Isma’ilis emphasize social justice, pluralism, and human reason within the framework of the mystical tradition of Islam. Elliot's family are Orthodox Jews (hence the kosher meal). The beautiful ceremony, preceded by the lighting of Chanukah candles, wove together elements from both their traditions. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

How do you make your dreams come true? Is that not what this day is all about? I believe that this successful young couple may provide some insight into how we can make our dreams come true with three aspects of their story.

Selina and Elliot both grew up in families that treasure learning. It is not surprising therefore that they are first and foremost passionate learners. Learning new things is something that they each relish. They each, in fact, talk about how much they have learned from each other, and how this learning has bettered them as individuals and as a couple. It is this willingness, nay hunger to learn that has made them so successful, that has allowed them to thrive, and that has enabled them to fulfill their dreams.

Now learning is not enough. It is, after all, in a sense, just a tool. One must be passionate about the truth, as learning's guide, its lighthouse, if you will, for learning to truly matter. The truth is not always convenient, nor is it always pretty. That said, dreams cannot come true, if one avoids it. Selina and Elliot constantly strive for truth, and do not flinch from it, wherever it may lead them.

There is however one more critical component, empathy, which Selina and Elliot have in spades. You can scarcely imagine two more empathetic individuals. They truly put themselves into others’ shoes. They truly ask what others’ needs are before theirs’. This is why they have done a triathlon for charity. This is why Selina encouraged Elliot to pursue coaching kids. This is why this is such a giving couple. They understand that fulfilling one's dreams lies more in the thou, than in the I; more in thinking about others, than in thinking about ourselves.

Selina and Elliot, thank you for this important lesson. May we all heed your example, and may your dreams and ours all come true.