Sunday, February 23, 2014

A Good Old Fashioned Love Story

On Friday 2/21, I officiated Leonora and Justin's wedding at Caswell House in Austin, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

When I reflect on Leonora and Justin's relationship, it seems like a good old fashioned love story. Forget the fact that the groom was born in Verona – you can't make that up, or the fact that they met in a club that had Sharks underneath the floor (no Jets were sighted, but who knows...) Just listen to Justin's description of the evening of their first date, "It didn’t start as a date, but it quickly became one. We had so much fun together that night: we had a wonderful dinner at one of my favorite restaurants, we went to several bars downtown and finally, we scaled a fence and broke into Barton Springs. It was so much fun, and a night I’ll never forget." (Bet you didn't think this would detour from love story into the petty crime genre, did you?)

Now listen to how they describe their love for each other. This is really cool. Justin says, "She lets me be me... She makes me happy. She makes me laugh (and laughs at MY jokes). She makes me want to be a better person... I love everything about her, and I’ve never met anyone like her."

Now Justin may be the trained writer, but Leonora bests him with her description, "Justin is the love of my life... I have never laughed so much in my life. Every day I feel like I love him more than the last... With him everything makes sense and love is all that matters."

So, when I further reflected on the love this couple's shares, I couldn't help but think of the final two stanzas in Sonnet 17 of Pablo Neruda's Cien Sonetos de Amor. I really think they embody just this:

Te amo sin saber cómo, ni cuándo, ni de dónde, te amo directamente sin problemas ni orgullo: así te amo porque no sé amar de otra manera, sino así de este modo en que no soy ni eres, tan cerca que tu mano sobre mi pecho es mía, tan cerca que se cierran tus ojos con mi sueño.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where, I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way. Than this: where I do not exist, nor you, so close that your hand on my chest is my hand, so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

A Story of Redemption

Last night, Tuesday 2/18, I officiated Ellen and Bill's wedding at their home in Flower Mound, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

When I sat down to write about Ellen and Bill, I was reminded of the story of Amram and Yocheved, Moses' parents.

Most people are familiar with the Biblical account of the birth of Moses. Pharaoh commands that all Hebrew male babies be thrown into the Nile. Moses is born, and hidden for three months. Then his mother puts him in a floating cradle on the Nile, as his sister, Miriam watches over him from afar. Then the daughter of the very Pharaoh, who wants him and his like dead, raises him as her own. He grows up to be the redeemer of Israel.

Now, the rabbis of old, as they are apt to do, embellish the story. They tell us that due to Pharaoh's command, Amram divorced Yocheved, because he did not want to have children, only to have them killed by Pharaoh. When Miriam saw this she confronted her father, and told him that he was worse than Pharaoh, since Pharaoh had commanded all baby boys be eliminated, and Amram was ensuring there would be no baby boys or baby girls born. Amram listened to Miriam, remarried Yocheved, and only due to that act, they had Moses.

Now when they had Moses, since he was a boy, Amram was none too pleased with Miriam, and told her just that. That is why she follows Moses through the bulrushes to see what will be the rest of the story. Once again, the rest of the story is one of redemption.

The lessons of this story and of Ellen and Bill's love story are similar and multifold. Both stories show us that learning can come from the most unexpected places, and so you need to be open to learning from everyone. Both stories tell us that it is totally human to lose faith. However, they also tell us that we can overcome and continue to believe in the capacity for change. And both stories tell us that for learning to be meaningful, for change to be real, we need to act just like Amram and his daughter, Miriam; we need to hold each other accountable.

If you have all of those ingredients, your love story can be one of great redemption. That is the story of Amram and Yocheved, Miriam and Moses. That is the story of Ellen and Bill and their incredible journey. Their collective message is clear. Always be open to learn, believe in the capacity for change, and hold each other accountable. Let us all heed their message.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Dream Big Dreams

 
Last night, Saturday 1/25, I officiated Amy and Chad's wedding at the Crescent Club in Dallas, Texas. Here are the personal remarks I shared with them and their guests:

One of the most fascinating things about Amy and Chad is that they each have a truly natural curiosity about the world. They are willing to look at things and do things a little differently than what is common. They are willing to ask questions others might not ask, and they are not afraid of the answers they may find. They really and truly want to pursue their dreams, and they are not afraid to dream big dreams.

What causes one to dream big dreams? Well, there may be a variety of answers to such a question, but in Amy and Chad's case, as in the case of many  it seems that it is one thing - adversity. Now, none of us seeks out adversity. Let's be honest; it can break you. However, if you come out of the other end intact, you tend to savor life, demand more out of it, and find a zest in it one could not find before. And if you have had a partner in your journey through adversity, you dream big dreams together. And just like John Lennon said, "A dream you dream alone is only a dream; a dream you dream together, THAT is reality."

Indeed, Amy and Chad do not just dream, they dream together. That is what their true and deep love is all about. The way they describe that deep love can be best summarized in the beautiful words of the another dreamer, the great Bolivian poet, Adela Zamudio:

Desde el día en que te vi
nimbé mi alma en tus ojos,
y saturé mi corazón
con unos pétalos rojos.

Since the day I saw you
My soul glows haloed in your eyes
And my heart is full
Of scarlet petals.

Amy and Chad, may your love continue to reflect these words every day, as you live out your dreams together for many years to come.

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Embracing Español in Interfaith and Jewish Weddings


In my final year of rabbinic training, I participated in a program that trained rabbis for, and placed them in far flung communities. My choices were Wellington, New Zealand, or someplace in Latin America. I chose the former, saying to myself, "Hey, they speak English. How different can it be?" (Answer: Very.) "Anyway, going to Latin America, would mean I would have to learn Spanish. When on earth will I ever need that again?" Smash cut to seven short years later, and where do I move to? That's right, Tejas.  (How DO you say, "Poor judgment," in Español?)
 
Now, you might be saying to yourself, "What's he crying about? He's a rabbi! When does HE ever need Spanish?" Well, think again. When you marry about 50 interfaith couples a year, the answer is, "More often than you think!" About a quarter of the U.S. population below 17 is Hispanic, and 58% of Jews marry non-Jews. Do the math, and you will understand how many Hispanic Jewish weddings we should expect in the next few years.

My anecdotal evidence fits these statistics. There are more and more couples, that want some Spanish in their ceremonies. Usually, the non-Jewish side is the Hispanic one, but sometimes it is the Jewish side. Beyond that, as the world becomes smaller and flatter, there are interfaith couples in Latin America, who choose an American rabbi to officiate their weddings, but still want the ceremony to be officiated entirely in Spanish.

The first part of a wedding ceremony I did in Spanish was the Priestly Blessing. I just had a friend teach me how to read it. At the time I really thought I would not go beyond that. That whet my appetite, though, and I decided to take a course or two in Spanish at our local community college.

The "secret" I discovered regarding Spanish is that Spanish is one of the easiest languages to learn to read. English, which is really a hodge podge of different languages, has many different exceptions, and spelling and pronunciation sometimes bear little relation to each other. Spanish, however, much like Hebrew, has a pretty consistent set of consonants and vowels. Once you learn how pronounce each, you can read pretty much anything. Beyond that, the rules of very basic Spanish grammar are, once again, much easier to grasp, than those of English. One more thing that helps English speakers is that the number of cognates (identical or similar words) shared by English and Spanish is great.

Once I took two Spanish courses, I was able to mix more Spanish into ceremonies. If a couple was willing to translate something, I was willing to master saying it at their wedding. Then, in December 2012 in Santiago, Chilé, and once again in August 2013 in Santa Cruz, Bolivia, I successfully officiated two ceremonies entirely in Spanish. Each time I practiced what I was going to say, so I could say it fluently, and so both ceremonies went quite smoothly. In fact, both times, during the reception, people came up to me, and attempted to speak to me in Spanish!
 

The funny thing about going outside our comfort zone, and learning how to operate in Spanish is that in a way, it is like coming home. Spain was home to one of the greatest Jewish communities ever, for hundreds of years, prior to their expulsion/forced conversion by Ferdinand and Isabella in 1492. The Jews who left Spain took with them a Spanish dialect written in Hebrew characters called Ladino, a language some use to this very day in prayer and speech. Some ended up in the New World, and in the nascent United States these Sephardic (Spain in Hebrew is Sefarad) Jews were more numerous than their Ashkenzic (Northern/Central European) brethren.

At the same time, many conversos (forced converts, who sometimes remained secretly Jewish), made their way to the Americas too, in attempt to escape the Inquistion. As its long arm reached across the Atlantic, many of them moved north to the outer reaches of Spanish territory, as far north as today's American Southwest, only to vanish into the local Hispanic populations.

In these senses, officiating a wedding with some Spanish in it, or even entirely in Spanish, is nothing new, and certainly not alien. The past is once again present. It is indeed just coming home.

 
Copyright 2013 - Rabbi David S. Gruber. First published on www.interfaithfamily.com 

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Deep with a Capital D

Last night, Saturday 11/30, I officiated Sowmia and Matt's wedding at the Memory Lane in Dripping Springs, Texas. Here are the personal remarks I shared with them and their guests:

You know those stories about love at first sight? Two people see each other across a crowded room, their eyes lock, and then and there they know, they were meant for each other. Cue the music, and we see the montage of them meeting, embracing and riding off into the sunset...

Yea; not this couple. In fact, they are very open about the fact that it took each of them some time to figure the other one out. Then again, these two are way too intelligent and too deep for any fake Hollywoodesque love story.

No, their story, their thoughts about themselves and their place in the world are so much more evolved. This is not surprising, since as their friends will tell you, these are two sophisticated individuals. I ask each person I marry to write a short autobiographical essay. Some are more detailed than others, but the essays these two wrote are Deep, with a capital D.

Listen to this from Matt; this guy will certainly publish, not perish. Despite his lingering uncertainties about life he says:

"I knew that there was nobody I could love more than Sowmia... I was, and am, more certain of her than I am of myself: that she loves me, trusts me, and wants the best for me...
I know that I'm a better person for having known her... I live a happier, healthier, more open, and more moral life... Other people who have known me for a very long time have told me that I'm much better with her...

My instincts with love are to question what it means to love and be loved, but I know... that I love her... She is more caring than anyone I know, and... she is the one I want to wrestle with uncertainty with and... enjoy happiness with. This kind of certainty is rare for me, but that's fine, because it makes me feel very lucky..."

And Sowmia, she describes the past, the present and the future of this team so beautifully. About Matt once she started to get to know him, she says:
"He was... remarkably caring – he was always willing to listen... Maybe what I liked most about Matt was his ability to make me laugh.  He regaled me with stories of pure ridiculousness, and could find humor in just about any situation...

Matt’s unconditional support of me makes me more confident in myself, and makes me into a stronger person as a result. When I’ve had a bad day... Matt is the first person I turn to – and as cheesy as this sounds, he just makes my heart happy.

When we have kids, Matt will be a fantastic father; loving and funny and charming as always, but also a great role model of our values... I am so lucky to have found such a wonderful partner."

Sowmia and Matt, you both feel lucky to have each other. We feel lucky to take part in celebrating such a mature and deep love story like yours. May that love, indeed, continue to deepen with each passing day.

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Cannot Imagine My Life without My Best Friend

Last night, Saturday 11/23, Reverend Mary Collier and I co-officiated Riley and Bennett's wedding at the Driskill Hotel in Austin, Texas. Here are the personal remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Arguably, one of the most important traits each person should develop is a well honed sense of gratitude. Think about it; would you like to hang out with the person who feels like everything they have they deserve, and are entitled to it and more? Or would you rather hang out with the person who feels tremendously lucky for what they have, is happy with it, and is full of thanks and gratitude for it? One of the things that really stands out about Riley and Bennett is that they are definitely in the second category.

You know people have that quality especially when they recognize the smallest gestures with gratitude. Here is one of the first things Riley remembers about Bennett, "I knew I was going to fall... for Bennett right away because he was such a gentleman on our first date, and even opened the car door for me! I hadn’t had a boy open a car door for me since High School (after my Mother told him that he should do so…embarrassing!) It’s hard to find that kind of charm these days... He’s treated me just as great as he did that night on our first date ever since, and I am so thankful for that every single day."

You know that people have that quality when they are able to admit and express how thankful they are even for something that they initially weren't thankful for. Bennett, for instance, was not entirely sure about Riley adopting a dog. Here is how he describes his turning around on that and his gratitude to Riley in the aftermath, "Turns out, in a lot of ways, this brought us closer together, as we consider this dog part of our 'family'."

This quality allows you to open your eyes, and look at life and its simple pleasures together as a true adventure. Riley describes in detail the many experiences they have had and continue to have together, with just that sense of wonder. Bennett sums it up in simple yet profound words, "Throughout it all we were always happy to just be together doing anything. I knew that a life with her would only be continuing that feeling and knew it would only grow stronger...

And so to Riley and Bennett, what we are doing here today is just a no brainer. "Simply put," says Riley, "I cannot imagine my life without my best friend. When I am with Bennett, I always know that life will be an adventure!" And Bennett agrees, "We already feel married...To me, the ceremony... is just going to make the whole thing official. I can't imagine being with anyone else..."

Wow... Anything I would add to that would just be superfluous...

Friday, November 22, 2013

And We Danced All Night

Last night, Thursday 11/21, I officiated Jackie and Eli's wedding at the Riu Palace in Guanacaste, Costa Rica. Both (but especially Eli) are huge fans of the legendary band Phish. So, of course, I couldn't help but include quotes from two of their songs in my personal remarks. The title of the post is a quote itself too. Here you go:
 

Jackie and Eli exhibit an enviable relationship. You see, life can and will throw you some unexpected punches. You can't really plan for each one; you just have to have the right attitude. This is what these two cats have.

They are, as individuals and as a couple, really comfortable in their own skins. They don't take themselves too seriously, and their philosophy of life and living is refreshingly uncomplicated. These are just really happy people. Eli, speaking for both of them puts it so well, "Ultimately I believe in just doing things that make me, and the people around me happy."

It is this approach that allows them to comfortably face the future, and confidently say, in the words of the song, Summer of '89:

As the bus rolled out of town
We were driving blind
No clue where we'd arrive...

I closed my eyes
You touch my hand
You smile
And I'm there...

It is this approach that allows them an ease in their relationship that many couples can't find. As Eli says, "You know when you have a gut feeling, and it turns out to be right? That’s exactly how I feel. Not to sound cliché, but Jackie and I were meant for each other."

It is this approach that causes their love to keep on growing. As Jackie says, "I have never been happier... and my love for Eli continues to grow more and more each day."

Just to reassure you, these two are not starry eyed or naive. They, in the words of Jackie, "know there will be obstacles and challenges to come our way." They know they have their differences. As Eli reminds us, "We compliment each other, and contrast each other." They know, though, that with their approach to life, they can make this all only enhance and deepen their love. And so, they can say to each other, with confidence, in the words of the song, My Sweet One:

Oh with you, I'd travel thick
And with you, I'd also travel thin
And all the spaces in between
I'd travel with you, you're my sweet one.

Jackie and Eli, continue to embrace and cherish this approach to life. Continue to put out those positive vibes to all those around you. Through this may you, in many years from now be able to look back on this day and say (Jackie, you just insert tux instead of dress and boy instead of girl...):

I see you standing there
In that dress you used to wear
You stole my heart
But I didn't mind...

You're the same girl I loved back then
For now and all time
You'll be that girl of mine...

And we danced all night
And we danced all night