Lori and Matt – They Didn’t Just Go With the Flow

This last Saturday I officiated two weddings in Austin, Texas. The first was Lori and Matt’s. Lori and Matt are really special people. Lori is an attorney, who works for a non-profit, and Matt grew up to actually work in one of those fields all little boys dream about working in, firefighting! They both have a rather humanistic bent, which is what I tried to bring out in my personal remarks:

One thing that struck me from my very first discussion with Lori and Matt is that really the phrase “interfaith couple” did not fit the bill with regards to this couple. “Intercultural couple” may be a more apt term. Indeed, each of them sees their religious heritage more in the context of culture than religious belief and practice. You see - Lori and Matt come from different backgrounds, and have had different life stories; however they have more in common in terms of faith and belief, than many other couples out there.

This is not due to coincidence. This is due to the fact that these two did not just go with the flow. They chose to really think about these issues of faith and belief. They continue to choose as individuals and as a couple to carefully examine their lives spiritually, figure out who they are, and what they want out of life. Most importantly they recognize that need to continue to grow together in this sense, and to focus on the joy, happiness and meaning that such growth can bring to a couple’s life.

Lori and Matt, thank you for reminding us of the importance of truly figuring out one’s spiritual path. May you continue to learn and develop separately and together, and through this may your happiness increase and your bond strengthen.

Natalya and Bret – Let’s Be Explicit Here

One of the great things about living in Texas, and I have personally lived on three continents, is that people are really really nice. Criticism is rarely heard, people tend to have a smile on their face, and cashiers still address you (or me) as “Hon(ey)”. Of course, the flip side of that is that understatement is king, even when it should not be. So, you will hear, “Oh, Jimmy (question mark, voice going up), his heart is in the right place,” which really means he is hard to get along with. Other times you will hear, “Oh, Mike (question mark, voice going up), he is a really hard worker,” which means he is not the greatest family man. You might even hear, “Oh, Susie, she comes from a great family,” which means that she, the apple, has unfortunately fallen a little far from the tree.

Now, you may be asking yourselves at this point, well, so what, and what does this have to do with what we can learn from Natalya and Bret. Well, I am glad you asked. You see, the downside of softened criticism is that when you have individuals who really have their hearts in the right place, who really treat their families and friends exquisitely well, and who really make their families and friends proud just to be associated with them, your praise of them might sound faint. You see, I believe anyone who interacts with Natalya and Bret, comes away thinking, “Wow, these are good people, these are two individuals who I can count on, these are people who show how a loving couple should behave to each other, this is a couple, who I can point to my kids as a positive example to my kids.”

Let us, therefore, not be shy. Let us point out to others, what a great, compassionate, humble and kind couple Natalya and Bret are. Let us learn to continue practicing what might be called Texas nice, but let us not forget that that means we need to be more explicit in our praise, if we and our families are to look up to positive examples of behavior like the loving couple we celebrate with today.

Kristin and Brian – Their Differences Strengthen Them

I wanted to point out two facts about Kristin and Brian, that when juxtaposed, remind us of something fundamental and important. Anyone who knows Kristin will tell you how devout she is, how her faith in Jesus permeates her daily life. Anyone who knows Brian will tell you how growing up with few Jews around him strengthened his commitment to the Jewish People, and made Judaism central to his identity.

Now listen to what each says about the other. Brian says, “I love her passion for what she does and that no matter how bad of a day we might be having, all we need is to hear each other’s voice and we begin to feel better. Kristin makes me laugh all the time and has many of the same priorities that I do. We both are very family oriented. We both enjoy just having a nice quiet relaxing evening together… We both love to travel and experience new things in new cities… I am so excited to have Kristin be a part of my family and have me be a part of hers.” Kristin says, “Brian is… is my best friend. When I look at him, I see someone that I am excited about spending the rest of my life with. Even when we are just hanging out at my apartment watching television I am excited to be with him. I also see the man that I want to be the father of my children. I am ready to marry Brian now because I am excited to take our relationship to yet another level and grow together as husband and wife.”

Kristin and Brian remind us of something that should be obvious, simple, almost simplistic, yet so missing today. We can agree to disagree. We each can have strong beliefs that we are passionate about, and still share love and happiness together. More than that, as Kristin and Brian will each tell you, our differences can actually strengthen our bond, our spirituality, and our individual faiths. So, I feel we owe you, Kristin and Brian, a debt of gratitude for reminding us of this important idea. Let us all heed your message and follow your example in our private and public lives, and through that make this world a better place.

Iris and Ben – Even a Hurricane Couldn’t Dampen Their Celebration

This last weekend I co-officiated Iris and Ben’s wedding at the beautiful Moon Palace Resort in Cancun, Mexico with Father Benito Aguilar. Hurricane Rina endeavored to disrupt the celebrations, but she didn’t stand a chance. BTW, this is one of the smartest couples I have ever met. Iris has an MBA from Harvard, and Ben has an MBA from MIT. They are not only intelligent, but really fun too. Here are the words I shared with them and their guests:

Iris and Ben share a very deep bond of love with each other. At the same time they are two very different people. They come from different backgrounds, cultures and faiths. Not only that their basic demeanor is strikingly different. Iris says that people often tell her that she is the happiest person they have ever met, while Ben could have written the old telegram once set by a Jewish mother in a hurry, “Start worrying now, details to follow…” So, how do they make it work? What is the secret of their deep abiding love?

Well, first, the premise of the question, though natural for us as human beings to ask, is slightly mistaken. If we are to imagine that there is someone out there that would be perfect just for us, why on earth would that person be like us? After all, each of us has strengths and weaknesses, and if anything, that person, who is best for us, ideally should help us, as we help them, become mutually complete. In that sense, that person would almost have to be very different.

There are, however, two important components that need to be there for all these moving parts to work – communication and planning. This is where, I believe, Iris and Ben excel and teach us a valuable lesson. Though they may sometimes disagree regarding who has the better approach, Harvard or MIT, these two know a thing or two about solving problems and managing projects. As such, they took time, constantly and openly communicating, as they developed their relationship, to deeply think about how to make it successful, and accordingly to carefully plan their future together.

Iris and Ben, as you embark on this new phase in your life, continue to embrace your differences, revel in how you complement each other, and keep excelling at lovingly communicating. Through this, may you find complete and ongoing happiness.

Believe in the Magic

Jessica and Joel’s wedding ceremony was very intimate. It was just them, Joel’s brother and his sister in law. It was magical! Indeed, magic is what I talked about at their ceremony:

Jessica and Joel, you share a magic that one does not see often enough. You both describe the moment you met, where you shared something that in the cognitive realm cannot be easily explained. There was a meeting of the minds. There was something in the air, that cannot be easily explained.

Though deep love at first sight may be an invention of Hollywood – after all, to love is to know, and one needs to get to know someone to truly love them – we should never discount the magic of the moment. You had that moment, and where others might just discount it, and move on, you did not let that moment become forgotten, either of you.

You continued to develop your connection, what was at first just a business relationship and a mutual appreciation. Then you took the plunge, and followed your hearts to embrace where the magic of that first moment would take you. Happily, it took you here to stand before us today.

So, from you Jessica and Joel, we learn the importance of believing in that magic in this human existence. You show us to not just in believe in it, but to follow it to where it may and can take us. Continue to travel that path, follow your hearts, live magically, and may your love continue to grow, as you follow your dreams.

Self Reflection is Key

Mesina and Mark are one cool couple. They are each tremendously successful and really smart. See them together, and you can see how love is in the air. Here is what I shared with them at their wedding about a week ago:

I remember years ago in a class given by one of my best rabbis and teachers, a truck started backing up in the parking lot behind our classroom. It made that chiming noise to warn anyone standing behind it. The rabbi stopped mid-sentence, and said, “Wow, if only we had that function as human beings – that when we started sliding backwards a chime would ring – our lives would be so much easier!” When driving myself, I often think in similar terms about my GPS. If only we had something automatically chime in to tell us when we have strayed from our way, and might just want to start “recalculating”. In human terms this is, of course, what we call, “self reflection”.

In Mesina and Mark you see this very essential quality that though obvious, many people do not practice enough – a highly refined ability to self reflect. This is something that really stands out in both of them. This is how they have lived their lives, dealt with challenges, and found impressive success. They have practiced self reflection in regards to their spirituality, their professional lives and their personal lives. This act in each of these areas has made them better in what they do, with highly developed capacities in their professional lives. More importantly, in my opinion, it has made them better persons, more compassionate individuals than the average person, and better friends to each other and to others.

We, therefore, owe Mesina and Mark a debt of gratitude. Thank you for reminding all of us, in the midst of the Jewish days of judgment to constantly practice self reflection, to regularly take stock of who we are and where we are going, and through that to be better people.

Learning from Each Other and Growing Together

Graduation ceremonies are often called commencements to symbolize that they herald a beginning, and that learning is something that must continue. Gila and Alan, who I married this last weekend, know how true this is regarding their relationship too. Here are he words I shared with them:

Gila and Alan inspire me in what they have created together. They are humble, honest and hardworking individuals, each in their own right. Had you met each of them before they knew each other, like many of you did, you would be able to say, without a doubt, “Now that is someone I can count on; that is someone who can get the job done.” In fact, that is how they met, at the workplace, with Alan, whose job it is to help us mere mortals navigate the mysteries of technology, helping Gila out with a problem she was dealing with.

What inspires me about this couple is that each will tell you how much they have grown through their relationship, how much each of them has learned from the other, how they each have allowed their relationship to make them better than they were before. Interact with them with for just a short while, and you will see that these are not just words. You can see this with your own eyes. In our individualistic culture, this is no small feat. Such obviously sensible behavior, coming from the recognition that we always have more to learn, can sometimes seem counterintuitive. This is why the way Gila and Alan built their relationship and continue to allow themselves to grow in it is even more admirable, as it necessitates a degree of swimming against the tide.

Gila and Alan, what we wish for you is that you continue to grow together, that you continue to learn from each other. Through such ongoing and careful development, your bond will not only be unbreakable, but grow stronger with each and every passing day.