Learn from Each Other and Live in the Moment

Saturday evening (8/16) I officiated Jordan and Jesse's wedding ceremony at Aldredge House in Dallas, Texas. Here are the personal remarks I shared with them and their guests:

 

Jordan and Jesse are two individuals, who are both deep and thoughtful, and at the same time fun-loving and light-hearted. They started off as close friends, and held on to that aspect of their relationship, even after they started dating. They have great senses of humor, and like we comfortably can do with our truly close friends, they are not afraid of laughing at themselves, at and with each other.

 

They each have thought deeply about their relationships with their spiritual and cultural traditions, and have sought to learn about each other's. This has enabled them to begin authentically forming their own new family traditions.

 

There are though, two very important aspects of every successful relationship, in which they truly excel. First, they each recognize that in a loving relationship, if you open yourself up to it, the other person can help you become a better person. Second, and closely related to this, if you allow for this, your daily, even mundane, experiences can and do become elevated through a relationship of true love.

 

So, Jordan and Jesse, keep it up! Stay serious, but not too serious, stay friends, learn from each other, and live in the moment. If you continue to that, you've got it made.

I Have Found the One Whom My Soul Loves

   

Yesterday, Saturday 8/9, Reverend John Williamson and I co-officiated Andi and Scott's wedding ceremony at Union Station in Dallas, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

 

Andi and Scott's story of how they came to stand before us here today reminds us how much luck can play a part in pivotal moments of our lives. They both describe their first encounter so beautifully. I know you will be shocked that the bride's description is a little more romantic...

"I looked over and saw... He had the brightest eyes and I was done at that moment. I literally had music pop into my head (The Blowers Daughter, the line "I can't take my eyes off of you")... I couldn't stop looking over and just thought "There you are. I finally found you." So as silly as I thought the concept was, I knew the second I saw him - love at first sight. I didn't want to let him get away, and he wasn't coming over to me, so I got up my courage, marched up to him, and... we started talking. I ate all of his food, he stayed with me when his friends left, and at the end of the night, I told him he should ask me for my phone number. Luckily he did and he drove me to the car. I got out, and on an impulse, jumped back in and laid a big smooch on him, then ran away!"

 

What does this story tell us? First, it tells us that even if like these two, you have more degrees than a thermometer in matters of the heart (romantic, not cardiac...) you just have to go with your gut.

 

Second, it reminds us that though we think we, of the digital age, can control much of our lives, much of what happens to us is more attributable to luck, karma, or faith, take your pick.

 

Third, and perhaps most important, the last two points of going with your gut, and luck being paramount, should humble us, but NOT stunt our choices and our faith in the future. If we consciously live in the present, embrace our circumstances, and do our part, we may not control our fate or specific outcomes, but we can control our destinies and alter the course of our lives. If we do, we can say like Andi and Scott, in the words of the Song of Songs, and in more than one way, "Matzati et she'ahavah nafshi. I have found the one whom my soul loves."

Whole Tablets and Broken Tablets

 

Yesterday, Saturday 7/12, I officiated Sharon and Judy's wedding at the Sheraton Albuquerque Uptown in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

The Bible tells us that after Moses received the Ten Commandments, he saw the people worshipping the Golden Calf, and broke the tablets. Now, being a sensible Jew, Moses had taken out a full warranty, so after paying a fifty shekel deductible, God gave him a new set of tablets. Eventually, Moses is instructed to put both sets of tablets in the Ark of the Covenant, so Indiana Jones could rescue it from the Nazis... (Not really.)

Now, the Rabbis of the Talmud learn a really cool lesson from this. "Be careful to respect a Torah scholar, who has forgotten his learning, since the whole tablets AND the broken tablets, both rest in the Ark." So, the Rabbis are afraid that since the Torah scholar has dementia, people might not accord him the respect he is due. They say, no, you must respect him. He is like the broken tablets. They too rest in the holy Ark.

I was reminded of this idea, when I reflected on what Sharon and Judy say about each other. They each are very particular about respecting those, who because of age or ability, are sometimes themselves forgotten. Listen to Sharon: "Judy demonstrated such deep compassion for the elderly people in our neighborhood. It was not uncommon, on a hot Summer’s day, for her to offer a ride home to some poor little elderly woman, or man, trudging along in the heat, trying to get groceries home before they spoiled. Our own shopping trips seldom ended without helping a senior neighbor to get home a little sooner and a little cooler. Not only did I love her for her sensitivity, I admired and respected her character and integrity. We also discovered that we both love animals and the natural beauty of our world and fervently believe that both should be protected and preserved."

Judy insists that if anyone is to be praised in this regard, it is Sharon: "Sharon cared and treasured all. Even if it was a mouse that we just could not allow to roam free in the house, she buried it as she does all of the Lord’s creatures and offered a blessing. When I think of these times, I fill with tears of love. This was carried into her work with her patients. As a speech language pathologist, she worked exclusively with older patients. She was dedicated to helping them find ways to communicate. I still hear her saying, 'I know that she is in there. I have to find a way to get in there and help her get out.'"

There is however another broader understanding of this idea of the whole tablets and the broken tablets both being important, that Sharon and Judy talk about and embody. They both understand deeply as individuals and as a couple, that life is a journey, where there are whole tablets and broken tablets along the way, and that true love is about treasuring both. As Sharon says: Thirty years ago, we met as two individuals.... each bringing a set of life experiences, joys, disappointments... talents and skills. Over the years we have blended all those ingredients and created a new shared set of life experiences. Together we have shared life cycles, as any other couple does... we have endured the heartache over the death of loved ones... parents and younger ones taken too soon... together, we’ve cried at the weddings of our nieces and rejoiced when a new baby was born into our family. We have enjoyed the acceptance of our relationship by loved ones from both families."

Judy reflects this too: "The Bronx, Mahopac, Mount Vernon, Manhattan, Madrid, Goshen, Connecticut and Albuquerque, New Mexico: all stops on the train of my life. The connection to New Mexico is the one that brings us to our celebration on July 12. My beshert and I have been together 30 years; as one can imagine we have shared both good times and difficult times. The 30 years have been a blessing, and though it would be hubris, it would be great to have an additional 30!"

There is one final way that Sharon and Judy's story, and the story of the two sets of tablets can inform what we celebrate here today. Liberal Judaism holds that though we treasure and value our ancient traditions, we shouldn't stick to each and every one of them. Sometimes, if a tradition is out of date and categorically wrong - for example the tradition of only heterosexuals being allowed marry - then we need to break it. We need to break it, set it aside, and carve a new fresh more inclusive tradition. God wasn't afraid to do that, and nor should we be, in our religious traditions and in our civil laws.

A True Miracle

Yesterday, Friday 6/20, Dr. Bob Ness and I co-officiated Jennifer (who happens to be Dr. Ness's daughter) and Steven's wedding ceremony at Harmony Chapel in Aubrey, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

One of the known challenges of communicating through the phone and other technologies where we can only hear, but not see the person that we are talking to, is that there can be mix ups and confusion. So, we use different tools to compensate. For instance, we won't just say that Parker starts with a P, rather we'll say P as in Peter. The first time I spoke to Steven, I asked what his future bride's name was, and he said, her first name was Jennifer, and her last name was Ness. Now, he did not say, Ness with an n as in Nancy, or Ness like the prohibition era G-Man. Since he knew that I knew Hebrew, he said, Ness, like miracle, because the word for miracle in Hebrew is in fact Ness.

Now, you could argue that this was just a technical way for Steven to clarify her name, but then he could have used one of those more conventional clarifications. Having gotten to know Jennifer and Steven, I think there is something way deeper going on here.

There is in fact a fundamental disagreement amongst medieval Jewish philosophers, as to what constitutes a miracle. Some feel that God created the world, set up the laws of nature, and wrote whatever miracles he planned on already into the programming code, so to speak. Some feel that God created the world, set up the laws of nature, and once in a while tosses in a miracle, here and there, but they were not written into the original code. Others still, feel that while we perceive there to be laws of nature, really every single thing happening in the world at every moment is due to the will of God, and so in essence everything is a miracle.

Now, you might ask yourself, what's the difference? All their views are trying to reverse engineer the same reality, and there is no way of really knowing who is right, as this issue is untestable. If you understand, however, that what we are really talking about is not reality, but how we perceive reality, this makes all the difference.

Nowhere is this truer than in the realm of finding your soulmate. How else can we understand that word "soulmate" even? How else can we understand any two people feeling like they belong with other, in Steven's words, "meant for each other," if we do not perceive the miracles of our own reality? How else can we understand two people with diverse backgrounds, and distinct life experiences, coming together, and fitting together so well in every possible way.

The way Jennifer and Steven approach life helps us sharpen our understanding of what is going on here. The miracles we experience are an issue of perception. If you approach life like Jennifer and Steven do, being thankful for the experiences you had, have, and will continue to have together; if you wake up every day, and look forward to the adventures life has in store for you, as individuals and as a couple; if you see your being and your relationship, in Jennifer's words, as "a surprise and a delight"; well then you have it made. Your relationship, like the one these two have, will never go stale, will never lose its vitality, will always and every moment be a real Ness, a true miracle.

Transcending Space and Time

Yesterday, Saturday 6/14, I officiated Marcela and Rich's wedding ceremony at the JW Marriott in Buenaventura, Panama. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

An interesting detail in Marcela and Rich's story caught my eye. It reminded me of one of the most beautiful love stories in the Hebrew Bible. Jacob is forced to flee his homeland, fearful of the wrath of his brother, Esau. He then meets the love of his life, Rachel, and offers to work for her hand in marriage for seven years. Scripture tells us about those seven long years, "And they were in his eyes as a few days, due to his love for her." Rich tells us a similar thing about the love story he shares with Marcela, "Upon meeting Marcela I fell in love with her as she was an amazing person... I became more fond of her and the time passed so quickly that before either of us knew it, we were having our one year anniversary." So strong was the love of Rachel and Jacob, so strong is the love of Marcela and Rich, that it actually alters the sense of time of the lovers. How did they do it?

I suspect that once again both couples share a critical quality. They did not allow space to control their individual lives and shared destinies, and so they were able to able to transcend time itself. In the biblical story, first Jacob and then Rachel, did not allow themselves, their lives, or their love to be constrained by the space they happened to be born into. Jacob was not afraid to leave his homeland to forge a new life for himself, and to find love far from home. Rachel did not allow the fact that Jacob was from far away land to hold her back from loving him, and when he wishes to return to his homeland, Rachel gladly welcomes the adventure of now she traveling to a land far from her home. So too, Marcela and Rich. Marcela did not think twice about letting space hold her back from seeking the best education far from home, nor did Rich allow distance from the familiar to hold him back from pursuing professional opportunity. More importantly, they did not allow their cultural and religious differences to hold them back from forming a relationship reminiscent of Rachel and Jacob's love.

Marcela and Rich, what we wish for you is that you indeed continue to have such a close and strong relationship, where the space-time continuum itself seems altered, for the rest of what we hope are long and happy lives together.

Beshert in Español

Yesterday, Saturday 6/7, I officiated Anukie and David's wedding ceremony at David's home in Mexico City, Mexico. I officiated the whole ceremony in Spanish. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests. (An English translation follows):

En mis pláticas con Anukie y David, David dijo algo realmente fascinante, “Verdaderamente creo que yo fui hecho para Anukie, y que ella fue hecha para mí”. En Yiddish, el lenguaje germánico de mis antepasados europeos y los de David, existe una palabra específica para este concepto: Beshert. Esta palabra básicamente quiere decir hecho para el otro, o hecho en el paraíso. Dependiendo del contexto, puede tener significados un poco distinto; por ejemplo, Anukie puede decir “David es mi Beshert”, mientras David podría decir “Fue Beshert que los dos tuviéramos programas de radio consecutivos en la universidad, nos conociéramos, nos hiciéramos amigos, y después pareja”.

Estas palabras reflejan una creencia que precede la evolución el Yiddish a través de cientos de años. Los antiguos Rabinos nos dicen que antes de que un feto sea creado, una voz celestial anuncia con quién el feto eventualmente se casará. Así, que hace poco tiempo, podemos imaginar a esa voz proclamando “Anukie se casará con David”.

Ahora, podemos hacernos la siguiente pregunta, ¿los Rabinos verdaderamente creían esto?, ¿debemos creerlo nosotros? Cada uno de nosotros puede tener su propia respuesta. Lo que es realmente importante e interesante es preguntarnos ¿qué podemos aprender de esto?

Yo creo que Anukie puede tener la respuesta. Una de las primeras cosas que me dijo cuándo se describió a si misma fue “me considero una persona espiritual que confía en lo que Dios tiene para mí en cada aspecto de mi vida, mientras creo que es mi responsabilidad trabajar para intensificar todas las bendiciones que se me han dado”.

Decirid pasar el resto de tu vida con alguien es una decision muy grande, tal vez incluso la más grande que podemos hacer. Todos nosotros debemos tomar responsabilidad y hacer esa decisión de forma metódica, cuidadosa y deliberada como Anukie y David hicieron. Sin embargo, cómo no hay manera de predecir el future, debmos balancear nuestras vidas con nuestra confianza en el futuro. Dependiendo de quiénes somos, y en lo que creemos, además de en quién o qué confiamos puede ser un poco distinto. No obstante, debemos tener la voluntad de tomar el siguiente paso, donde el conocimiento humano y los cálculos fríos terminan. Ustedes tienen que encontrar el balance entre hacer lo mejor que pueden y tener la voluntad de ir más allá de dónde el conocimiento humano termina. Deben apegarse entre ustedes en la vida, el amor y el matrimonio, de la misma manera que lo hacen Anukie y David.

English Translation:

In my discussions with Anukie and David, David said something really fascinating, "I truly believe that I was made for Anukie and she was made for me." Yiddish, the Germanic Jewish language of my and David's ancestors back in Europe, actually has a special word for this concept, "Beshert". This word basically means made for each other, or made in heaven. Depending on the context, it can have subtly different meanings, though. Anukie could say, "David is my Beshert," while David could also say, "It was Beshert that we both happened to have consecutive radio shows at university, and so met, became friends, and then lovers.

Now, this word reflects a belief that preceded the evolution of the Yiddish language by hundreds of years. The ancient rabbis actually tell us that before a fetus is created, a heavenly voice announces who the fetus will eventually marry. So not all that long ago, we can imagine that voice proclaiming in heaven, Anukie will marry David.

Now, we could ask the question, "Did the rabbis really believe this? Should we believe this?" Each of us might have their own answer. What is a far more interesting and useful question is "What lesson should we learn from this?"

I think Anukie may have an answer. One of the first things she told me in describing herself is this: "I consider myself a spiritual person who trusts in what God has for me in every aspect of my life, while I believe that is my responsibility to work and enhance all the blessings he has given me."

Deciding to spend the rest of your life with someone is a big decision, perhaps one of the biggest one can make. We really have to take responsibility and make that choice very methodically, carefully and deliberately like Anukie and David did. However, since there is no way we can predict the future, we must balance all of that with trust in the future. Depending on who you are, and what you believe in, who or what you trust in might be a little different. Regardless, we have to have the willingness to take that next step, where human knowledge and calculation end. You have to have that balance of doing your best, with the willingness to move forward where human knowledge ends. You have to hold tight on to both in life, love and marriage, just like Anukie and David are...

Building on Your Differences

Yesterday evening, Saturday 5/31, I co-officiated Carol and Josh's wedding ceremony, with Josh's dad, Reverend Terry Parker, at Artspace 111 in Fort Worth, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

I have each couple I marry write about themselves. In what this relatively young couple wrote about themselves and each other there was a maturity far beyond their years. Listen, and you'll see what I mean.

Carol writes, "I can’t imagine the rest of my life without him by my side. I love that Josh can make me laugh even when it’s the last thing I want to do... He’s definitely the yin to my yang, in the best way... He has always made me feel secure and loved despite some periods of long distance in our relationship, so I know he will make an amazing life partner and eventually a father. Josh has taught me how to love unconditionally, and that I can always be myself without judgment. I love that we aren't dependent on each other for happiness, but that our relationship adds such brightness to my life. I know there will be times when we will drive each other crazy, but I also know he’s the person I want driving me crazy..."

Josh writes, "I had realized that Carol was the strongest and most supportive woman I had ever met. Instead of avoiding a relationship with me because I was about to deploy, she put herself through the loneliness, the constant worrying and overall stress of being in a relationship with a deployed infantryman... I want to get married because I have never been around someone that I can be completely vulnerable with, like I am with Carol. She is truly my best friend and makes me a better person. I believe she will be a great mother, and I am looking forward to one day raising a family with her."

It is not that often in these essays that a person will talk about how her or his beloved will be a great parent, and even rarer that both do. So, the fact that both Carol and Josh went there is noteworthy. How do they know this? Well, I don't know if they know themselves, but if you listen to the rest of what they say, it is obvious.

They have a relationship that has withstood distance and danger. They view their relationship not as co-dependent, but as complementary. They realize that the only way you know you are in a relationship of true love is that you can shed all the masks of pretense with the other person. Most importantly, they recognize that an essential part of true love is the difference and distinctiveness, sometime maddening, each lover brings to the relationship.

Now, if you think about it, the extra dimensions that parenting demands are exactly those they have mastered. To be successful at parenting, you need the ability to deal with difficulty, the recognition that we need to complement each other as parents, the willingness to shed our masks of pretense, and learn who we really are in a role we have never been in before, and the recognition that our different parenting skills and inclinations, while they may drive us nuts sometimes, when used constructively will make our children's lives much better.

So, Carol and Josh, what we wish for you is simple, keep doing what you are doing. Keep being great lovers to each other, finding comfort in the other, complementing each other, being true to the core with one another, and building on your differences together, while driving each other just a little nuts…