Certainty and Uncertainty

Last night, Saturday 10/12, Reverend R-J Heijmen and I co-officiated Julia and John's wedding ceremony at Arlington Hall at Lee Park in Dallas, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Both Julia and John contend that having the other has made them better as persons. To quote John, "(She) brings me closer to the man that I want to be." Julia in turn says, "He pushes me to be the best me..." Now, these may seem like simple statements, but the way they are phrased points to a particularly deep idea.

You see, some philosophers see the human being as a tabula raza, a clean slate on to which one's values are etched. Others, and in light of evolutionary psychology they seem much closer to the truth, contend that there are certain innate values we have already. However, even the latter do not see these values as built in or there to stay. They are there in potential. Through the right education in the broadest sense possible, they can and may be brought to the surface, and become part of who we are. Through ongoing vigilance, they can remain too. Just look at Julia and John, how they were raised, and how they continue to strive for the highest moral standards, and you see what I mean.

Here is where the last generation and a half before Julia and John's cohort comes in. Have we abided by what should be self-evident values? Having brought the world we built to the precipice, we must answer this question, shamefully, in the negative. The consequences have been unimaginable, and they will reverberate throughout the lives of this younger cohort.

Through our behavior, we have created a world rife with uncertainty. What is a young generation to do in the face of this? John worried about this when he proposed to Julia, and he quotes her brilliant answer. Listen to this; this is gold. "With all of the uncertainty in our lives I know one thing for certain. I know that I love you and want to be with you for the rest of my life."

Now, Julia's answer needs no translation, but there is something still deeper here. What was the cause, after all of the moral failings that birthed this age of uncertainty? I believe the answer is clear - a lack of love of and empathy for the other. The only way, in turn, to decrease our uncertainty is to increase love in the world, the kind of love that Julia and John have for each other. It is, indeed, this kind of love for others that gives them, and should give us all a sense of renewed and ongoing true purpose in life.

Loving Sharing

Last night, Saturday 10/5, I officiated Ariel and Paul's wedding ceremony at the historic Belmont Hotel, overlooking the downtown Dallas, Texas skyline. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

In life, from the large moments to the small: what does it mean to share? Of course, the context here today would be what does it mean, specifically, as a foundation for a successful marriage. I believe that this couple has more than an insight or two we can learn from, regarding this pivotal question.

Paul talks about going on mission trips in the Yucatan at a young age, and sharing with people who had much less. This sense of giving and sharing is vital to the marital relationship. This is not only because giving is so important in marriage, but because when we learn to give selflessly we receive much more.

However, sharing of yourself means more than that. It means sharing ideas and your most deeply held beliefs and thoughts. Paul talks about the ongoing open dialogue with his parents on faith and reason. It is this love and openness that he desires to share with Ariel as they learn and experience life together.

Ariel too has had an ongoing dialogue with her world view, from growing up in Schenectady, New York, through spending extended amounts of time in China and Israel, to living in Dallas, four places, which to say the least, offer very different viewpoints. Through these different experiences, Ariel has been flexible and adaptive, picking up pieces from each culture and sharing a bit of her own as well.

Ariel and Paul’s larger views are often captured through smaller moments. Ariel talks about Paul and the first stages of their relationship: making her laugh with his witty jokes and Simpsons references. He introduced her to Dallas – even kept a straight face while she ordered dumplings in Mandarin, utterly confusing the waiter, who kept staring at Paul. He taught Ariel how to eat craw fish and took her to see Elvis Costello perform with the Dallas Symphony Orchestra.

Something that starts small - devoting a Sunday night to a home-cooked meal, building a record collection together, or discussing an interesting article from the radio -  creates new shared traditions in the larger context of their life. Through their loving sharing Ariel and Paul create the ideal situation for every couple standing before their family and friends on their wedding day.

Ariel and Paul, I always frame my remarks around learning something from every couple. I feel, personally, like this is truer than ever here today. With the story of your relationship, you remind me how deep love for sharing can really be. For that I am profoundly thankful.

The Timing was Right

Last night, Sunday 9/22, I officiated Ella and Chris's wedding at the Venetian Terrace in Las Colinas, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Chris's description of his first date with Ella is like something out of a movie:
"When she opened the door I saw the most beautiful brown eyes ever. I had the most awesome time, and I knew then she was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with."

The feeling was mutual. These two were apparently meant for each other, but the timing and the time were not right.

Clearly, though, in the back of their minds something was going on. The smoking embers of love were there. That feeling is best described by Regina Spektor, who like Ella, arrived in the US as a young woman from the Former Soviet Union, in her song, "How":

“How can I forget your love?
How can I never see you again?
There’s a time and place
For one more sweet embrace...
I guess you know by now
That we will meet again somehow...

How can I begin again?
How can I try to love someone new?
Someone who isn’t you...
I guess you know by now
That we will meet again somehow

Time can come and take away the pain
But I just want my memories to remain
To hear your voice
To see your face…”

And, so Ella tells us the rest of the story:
Little did I know, but our paths crossed again three years later in the summer of 2012... As our relationship progressed, we discussed what our future would be like together. Chris's loyalty, dedication, patience, and the desire for family appealed to me. We both agreed it is time to take our relationship to the next level and so here we are!"

Here they are, indeed. The timing is right this time, and your memories, Ella and Chris, have not only remained, but you are and will make many new ones together.

Magical

Last night, Saturday 9/21, Father Don Devine and I co-officiated Giulia and Ross's wedding at the historic First Congregational Church in Detroit, Michigan. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Imagine for a moment showing an iPod to Mozart, a laptop to Maimonides, or a smart phone to Aristotle. They would not only be speechless, but might lack the capacity to frame their wonder in their own minds.

True love is analogous to this. It defies explanation, it so envelops the lovers that words fail them, it so overwhelms the mind, that clear articulation of thought is impeded.

I was reminded of this when I read Giulia's description of her love for Ross. It is almost like she is grasping for words:
"He is the most caring, humble, and selfless, man I have ever met; I was under the impression men like him didn’t exist anymore, then I met Ross and everything just fell into place. He is everything I never thought I would find all wrapped up in one person."

It has been said that technology we do not understand is indistinguishable from magic. Indeed most likely, geniuses like Mozart, Maimonides and Aristotle, who come along only every few hundred years, would likely surrender to the thought that our everyday gadgets are simply magical.

I was reminded of this when I read Ross's description of his love for Giulia. It is almost like he is surrendering to the fact that something magical is afoot:
"I almost feel bad for other people because their relationships can't possibly be as good as ours... I think two observations from others make it obvious how much I love her:
1. My mom noticed that I all of a sudden became more photogenic, at least in pictures I took with Giulia;
2. At my first resident review... there were comments from multiple people that I was smiling more."

Giulia and Ross, what more can I say? Just keep doing what you're doing. Let your love keep defying words, and let your life together continue to be magical.

Got It Made!

Last night, Friday 9/20, I officiated Stacie and Maurice's wedding at the historic Hotel Galvez in Galveston, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

I ask every person I marry to write a short autobiographical essay. One of the things I ask them to write about is how they met. Maurice's description is, shall we say, different:

"Sitting in the bar, she was staring at me from across the room. Don't believe anything she says about when we met, because it is probably a lie. SHE was definitely staring at ME from across the bar. No, really, she likes to make up stories and pretend like she wasn't; but she was."

Now, laugh if you like, but since I pre-cleared these remarks with both of them, what does that tell you? It tells you that they both have a tremendous sense of humor, and that they don't take themselves too seriously. This is not true with every couple, certainly not to the extent it is true regarding these two lovers.

It is profound what a sense of good fortune and gratitude they feel in their relationship. As Stacie says, "Maurice is a wonderful man who is incredibly good to me and my son and I'm extremely grateful that I found him."

And what a true sense of belonging they have found with each other. As Maurice says, "She is the one person on this planet that I was meant to be with. I just can't imagine being with anyone else."

Stacie and Maurice, hold on to the funny, keep feeling lucky, and revel in your inseparability. If you do that, I think you've got it made.

A Partnership That Bears Dividends

Sunday evening (9/1) Father Brooks Keith and I co-officiated Jessica and John's wedding at the Ritz Carlton Bachelor Gulch in Beaver Creek, Colorado. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Friends of Jessica and John know that the first time they met was when Jessica came to interview for a job at the company John was working for. (She got the job, in case you were wondering. The rest, as the say, is history...) There is something really symbolic about this, because finding and then working a job is similar in many ways to finding your soul mate, and building a relationship.

We dress up really nicely, and we think about and plan what we will say. We try to impress, but not overdo it. We try to sell ourselves, but also see if we want to buy in. We emphasize our similarities.

A few days later we call back or wait for a call back to see if we can move this forward. Hopefully, we get the job, and the real work begins.

We tread lightly at the beginning, and we don't really let our guard down. We don't let our freak fly yet, rather we once again emphasize how well suited and similar we are to others. We are highly interested in making sure we are seen as similar to whatever ideal employee we think the boss is looking for us to be.

Now, unfortunately, in many companies you never really advance beyond that stage. Anyone who studies the sociology of management will quickly see that many companies don't really know how to advance beyond that stage. A Kabuki dance of conformity and similarity, where everyone just plays their part is just so much easier. Usually, this can bring fair to mediocre results, which many managers, being risk averse, are very comfortable with.

Fortunately, there are smarter workplaces out there. They have no use for conformity; they seek difference. They have no time for games; they are serious about getting the unique contributions each person can bring the table. They seek not the bland peace of mediocrity, but the fruitful tension of meeting new challenges and excelling through them.

Once again, this is like a mirror image of romantic relationships, and where they can go. What is a date if not a softer version of an interview? Does not the beginning of every romantic relationship involve some serious sales skills, just like a job interview? Do we not seek, at the beginning, to see how similar we are?

Once again, some relationships, like many jobs, never really deepen beyond that stage. However, those that do, watch out! In those that do, we relish in the difference that the other person brings to the relationship. This is why Jessica says, "John makes me think about things in a different way." And we don't just passively wait for such differences to manifest; we seek them out. That is why John says, "I love the way that Jessica challenges me." We realize that true growth comes not from trying to tone this down, rather from relishing it, and harnessing our differences to make our partnership greater and more successful.

Jessica and John, continue to embrace your differences, let your freak fly, and together build a successful romantic partnership that bears dividends for many years to come.

Communal Connection

Saturday evening (8/31) I officiated Sarah and Edmund's wedding at the Windsor at Hebron Park in Carrollton, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

In the United States we have many different options when it comes to wedding officiants. Therefore, whenever someone contacts me to officiate their wedding, I ask why having a rabbi, specifically, officiate their wedding is important to them.

I get a variety of wonderful and thoughtful answers. I particularly loved the answer I got from Sarah and Edmund. They wanted to get it right from the very start. They wanted Judaism to be a serious and integral part of their shared life and the life of their future children.

Now this might seem like a simple, even simplistic question, but why do people seek to connect with their heritage? Why do WE seek to connect with our Jewish culture?

I believe that the answer lies in the very core of our souls. We all seek meaning in our lives. We can find meaning in ideas and truths we discover. However, the greatest meaning is not found in the I, rather in the thou. The greatest meaning is found through our relationships, through our connecting with others, through our community.

Our cultures give us communal connections both vertical and horizontal, if you will. Through our heritage, passed down to us, we connect with the community of the past. Through passing on our rich civilization to our children, we connect to the community of the future. Through involvement in our culture today, we connect with the community of the present.

Each one of us interprets these connections differently. It is not for naught that we say, "Two Jews, three opinions..."  This is the great beauty of our Jewish culture. It encourages each of us, nay, demands of each of us to do what Sarah and Edmund seek to do in the new home they form today, to form community, to build anew, and to take it and make it our own.