An Evolving Vessel of Their Mutual Love

 

This last Saturday (12/13) I officiated Elizabeth and Sergio's wedding ceremony at the Petroleum Club, in Dallas, Texas. Here are the personal remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Elizabeth and Sergio exemplify the new interconnected world we live in. This sentence, in which Elizabeth recounts their first interaction would not even have made sense just a decade ago:
"Sergio had “friended” me before we even got to Texas so I already saw his photos of his killer smile and sweet eyes and I was sold without knowing much else."

Now lest you think that this couple is shallow, listen to the rest of what she says:
"Lucky for me, behind the smile and sweet eyes was much, much more than I could ever ask for. I was excited!"

When they talk about each other, it is clear that Elizabeth and Sergio understand that they need to not only nurture and care for each other. They know they need to nurture and care for that third entity they are creating today, their marriage itself. They did not start thinking or talking about this today or yesterday either. As Sergio recounts, "Since the first day we started dating, we would talk about the future and what we would like it to be like." And they know that this future, the future of what they create here today, will be a bright one. As Elizabeth confidently predicts, "We have been through many personal journeys but I know this will be the greatest yet."

Now, you might legitimately ask, where does this confidence comes from? How do they know that this will be the greatest journey yet?

Well, that is the beauty of the special bond these two have forged. As Elizabeth says in one simple sentence about their journey thus far, "Our relationship grew, as did we." You see that simple sentence contains a deep deep truth, that Elizabeth and Sergio have followed, and continue to follow. Just, as we are not products of intelligent design, so it is with our relationships. Just as we evolve over the years, so must our relationships. Building a successful marriage is not about reaching this or any destination. It is about building the vessel of mutual love, that with each of us will continue to evolve.

That is the great truth Elizabeth and Sergio have lived by, since the day their relationship began. That is the truth they take with them into their next great adventure - this marriage. That is how they know that the best is yet to come.

Truly a We

This last Saturday (12/13) I officiated Deanna and Matt's wedding ceremony at the Scottish Rite Temple, in Dallas, Texas. Here are the personal remarks I shared with them and their guests:

From my first communication with Deanna, I was struck by her poise, grace and maturity, so much so, that I expected her to be chronologically older than I found her to be. Her deep thinking  and her approach to the world seem to bely her age. She is just ahead of the pack.

Similarly, impressive sideburns aside, when Matt describes his life experiences, having studied, fought for our country overseas and now continuing to serve in a civilian capacity in his work with FEMA, it seems puzzling how he has done all of those things already, as young as he really is.

Now what I say about Deanna and Matt may seem strange in light of the narrative some of us have adopted about their generation. Oh, those Millennials, no work ethic, no sense of responsibility, every one of them expects a participation trophy, blah blah blah, tsk tsk tsk.

Deanna and Matt are just such a fine example of the positive attributes that many in this interconnected new generation bring to the table. They really think about the "we", rather than just the "me me me".

Deanna and Matt are both tremendously reflective. They have engaged in deep thought about who they are, what they are, and what they believe in. They have not shied away from taking bold stances and making uncomfortable choices, when they were the right stances to take and the right decisions to make.

At the same time, they have been tremendously thoughtful and considerate of those around them, and of how their choices impact others. In other words they have shied away from a winner take all, zero sum game approach, and have preferred a win-win ethic. Not me, me, me, but we.

And you see that in the interactions they have with each other. These two are best friends and true partners. They work together as a team, and they complement each other's strengths and weaknesses. She is a little hard on herself, he is more of a "go with the flow" guy. She is passionate and compassionate, he is more reserved and calm. And these qualities mutually rub off on each of them. They are truly a we. And as a we, they continue to learn and laugh together, knowing that in loving each other and in the mutual love they share with you, their family and friends, they have found the ultimate happiness.

Following Their Own Path - An Alternative Reading of a Talmudic Story

This last Saturday evening (12/6), I officiated Jenny and Pablo's wedding ceremony at the St. Regis Hotel in Mexico City, Mexico. This was the fifth time I officiated a ceremony entirely in Spanish. Here are the personal remarks I shared, followed by an English translation of these remarks:

Pensando en Jenny y en Pablo, me acordé de un héroe literario, uno que pocos conocen, incluso en el mundo judío, llamado Elisha ben Avuyah. Como un anti-héroe en el Talmud, el libro de 60 volúmenes sobre la ley y las tradiciones, se habla de él en ocasiones como “Acher”, que en Hebreo significa “otro”, y que es probablemente una amalgama de dos personas reales.

¿Qué fue tan especial sobre Elisha? Bueno, fue uno de los estudiosos más importantes de la Torah en el periodo durante y después de la destrucción de Jerusalem en el Siglo primero. Esta era una época en que nadie sabía si el judaísmo sobreviviría. Las tradiciones judías, que llevamos hasta este mismo día, fueron fundadas durante este periodo crucial. Elisha fue parte de este esfuerzo y sus enseñanzas son el núcleo del Pensamiento Talmúdico, como fue entregado a su discípulo, el Rabino Meir.

Y después, rompió con la tradición. Las leyendas talmúdicas varían de nuevo en el por qué, y ya que no vieron este acto positivamente, son de dudoso valor en asegurar exactamente qué ocurrió. Lo que parece cierto, sin embargo, como muchas tradiciones talmúdicas admiten con disgusto, es que él no se separó de los estándares del cumplimiento judío que aún se estaban desarrollando, por tener alguna falla moral o de carácter.

Por el contrario, ellos admiten que rompió con la tradición, porque no estuvo de acuerdo con algunas de las bases filosóficas que los rabinos talmúdicos como él fueron poniendo como fundamentos del judaísmo futuro. También, quería buscar las respuestas que no podía hallar en lo que él consideró era un campo muy estrecho. Fue el mismo estudio intelectual en el que estaba comprometido, el que lo apartó. Tenía que ser honesto consigo mismo, expandir sus horizontes, y seguir sus propias conclusiones intelectuales.

Quizá es por esto que el Rabino Meir, para el asombro de otros rabinos, continuó estudiando con él. De hecho, el Talmud cuenta una fascinante historia sobre una sesión de estudio entre ambos personajes. Esta parte en especial es la que me hizo pensar en Jenny y en Pablo. La historia nos cuenta que un día de Shabat, Elisha estaba montando a caballo, (un acto prohibido para la tradición judía en este día de descanso), y el Rabino Meir caminaba a su lado, mientras analizaban las complejidades de un texto. Elisha hizo una pausa en un punto y le dijo al Rabino Meir que ha contado los pasos del caballo, y que ha llegado al límite en que uno puede caminar en Shabat, y que por esta razón el Rabino debería de regresar. El Rabino contestó con una expresión de muchas interpretaciones: “Regresa conmigo”. Con esto se refirió no solamente a que su gran maestro debería de regresar a la ciudad, sino que debería de regresar a la tradición judía.

La leyenda talmúdica termina con diferentes tipos de respuestas en las que Elisha se expresa con dificultad, supuestamente admitiendo que debería regresar pero que no puede. Claro, esta es la forma en la que los rabinos cuentan la historia. Yo, sin embargo, pienso que hay una razón legítima para leer el final de forma distinta.

La historia en el Talmud es contada desde el punto de vista del Rabino Meir. No obstante, volteemos la mirada y cambiemos de lentes, y pensemos la historia desde el punto de vista de Elisha. Primero que nada, ¿por qué ha decidido continuar sus estudios con su alumno, el Rabino Meir? Bueno, sería legítimo deducir que él ama estudiar. Ama la búsqueda intelectual por su propio bien, y por el conocimiento filosófico profundo que se encuentra en éste. Y no solamente se dedicó a estudiar por su cuenta, sino que siempre enseñó a su estudiante, el Rabino Meir, porque enseñar es la mejor forma para que uno mismo aprenda.

Pero hay más cosas aquí. Elisha se conecta más con los aspectos intelectuales y culturales de su tradición, y no tanto con los aspectos religiosos de ésta. Sin embargo, por el gran amor por su estudiante, es considerado y respetuoso con el hecho de que el Rabino Meir se relacione más con los aspectos religiosos de la fe.

No obstante, cuando el Rabino Meir le pide que regrese a la tradición, yo imagino a Elisha sonriéndole desde su caballo, con una sonrisa llena de un amor profundo y un significado todavía más profundo. Con esa sonrisa, le dice al Rabino Meir, que aunque lo quiere mucho, no puede regresar. Él ha establecido una visión del mundo sensata y firme, igual de legítima que la del Rabino Meir. Ellos ven el mundo de forma distinta. Él está tan cómodo en su perspectiva secular del mundo como el Rabino Meir está en su perspectiva religiosa del mundo. Y aún así, pueden coexistir. Incluso imagino a Elisha mirando desde su caballo 2000 años hacia el futuro, en donde un acercamiento a la vida como éste prevalece.

Ahora, ¿Por qué la historia de Jenny y Pablo me hizo pensar en la historia de Elisha?, bueno, en parte debería ya de ser obvio. Solamente hay que leer entre las líneas. ¡Jenny y Pablo les pueden enseñar cómo!

Pero elaboraré algunos puntos. Ellos dos se reunieron por el estudio, por una búsqueda intelectual, y por el amor al aprendizaje mismo. Y sé, que si las últimas 251 parejas que he casado los hubieran conocido, no se ofenderían si digo que ellos seguramente son la pareja más inteligente que he casado hasta ahora!

Sin embargo, los estudios y la inteligencia tienen un límite en el camino. Puedes vivir una vida bifurcada y muchos lo hacen, en donde conclusiones intelectuales se mantienen a raya. Este no es el caso de Jenny y Pablo. Ellos han sido valientes en sus estudios e intrépidos en su búsqueda intelectual, como Elisha, siendo intensamente honestos con ellos mismos, llevando estos estudios a sus conclusiones lógicas. Y, como Elisha, ven en el estudiar juntos y en la enseñanza, en muchos entornos diferentes, el mejor camino para alcanzar alturas intelectuales.

Pero la parte más importante es el resto de la historia. Jenny y Pablo rinden homenaje a sus respectivos trasfondos a través de esta misma ceremonia. No obstante, están en un camino ligeramente distinto, uno que se teje dentro de las tradiciones que reconocen. Este camino, arraigado en un intelecto profundo, fundado en un estudio cuidadoso, y comprometido en el pensamiento y discurso actuales, es el camino que abrazan hoy, y el camino que seguirán en el futuro, con el más profundo amor por todos ustedes, su familia y amigos.

English Translation:

Thinking about Jenny and Pablo, I was reminded of one of my personal literary heroes, one few people even in the Jewish world know of, Elisha ben Avuyah. As an anti-hero in the Talmud, the great 60 volume book of law and lore, he is sometimes referred to as "Acher", which is Hebrew for "Other", and is probably an amalgamation of two actual real life people.

What was so special about Elisha? Well, he was one of the giants of Torah scholarship in the period during and after the destruction of Jerusalem in the First Century. This was a time when no one knew if Judaism would survive. The traditions Judaism lives with to this very day were laid down during that crucial period. Elisha was part of this effort, and his teachings are at the core of Talmudic Thought, as handed down to his disciple, Rabbi Meir.

And then, he broke with tradition. The Talmudic legends once again vary as to why, and since they did not view this act positively, they are of dubious value in ascertaining exactly what happened. What seems clear, though, as most Talmudic traditions begrudgingly admit, is that he did not turn away from the still developing standards of Jewish observance, because he had any moral or character flaw.

On the contrary, they admit that he broke with tradition, because he disagreed with some of the philosophical underpinnings that the Talmudic Rabbis like him were laying as the foundation of future Judaism. He also wanted to look for the answers he could not find in what he found too narrow a field. It was the very intellectual study he was engaged in, that turned him away. He had to be honest with himself, widen his horizons, and follow his intellectual conclusions.

Perhaps because of this, Rabbi Meir, to the consternation of the other Rabbis, continued to study with him. In fact the Talmud recounts a fascinating story about such a study session. This study session specifically is the one that made me think of Jenny and Pablo. It tells us that one Sabbath Elisha was riding a horse (an act forbidden by Jewish tradition on the day of rest) and Rabbi Meir was walking beside him, as they dissected the intricacies of a text. Elisha paused at one point, and told Rabbi Meir that he had counted the horse's strides, and having reached the boundary beyond which one should not travel on the Sabbath, Rabbi Meir should turn back. Rabbi Meir responded, in a multi-layered expression, "Return with me." In this he meant that his great teacher should not only return to town, but return to living by the laws of the Jewish tradition.

Now, the Talmudic legends end with different types of mealy mouthed responses of Elisha, supposedly admitting that he should but cannot. Of course, that is the way Rabbis tell the story. I, however, think there is legitimate reason to read the end differently.

The story in the Talmud is, as to be expected, told from the point of view of Rabbi Meir. However, let's switch the lens, and think about this from the point of view of Elisha. First of all, why has he continued to study with his student, Rabbi Meir? Well, it would be legitimate to deduce that he loves to study. He loves the intellectual pursuit for its own sake, and for the deep philosophical inquiry involved with it. And he did not just engage in study on his own. He kept teaching his student, Rabbi Meir, because teaching is the best way for you yourself to learn.

There is more here, though. Elisha himself connects to the intellectual and cultural aspects of his tradition, and not so much the religious aspects of this tradition. However, due to his great love for his student, he is mindful and respectful of the fact that Rabbi Meir connects to those religious aspects of the faith.

However, when Rabbi Meir asks him to return to tradition, I imagine him smiling down him from atop the horse, with a smile full of deep love and deeper meaning. With that smile he tells Rabbi Meir that though he still greatly loves him, he can't really return. He has established a firm and well thought out world-view, as legitimate as Rabbi Meir's. They see the world differently. He is as comfortable in his secular world-view as Rabbi Meir is in his religious point of view, and they can co-exist. I even imagine Elisha looking from atop his horse 2000 years into the future, where such an approach to life prevails.

Now, why did Jenny and Pablo's story make me think of Elisha's story? Well, in part it should be obvious already. Just read between the lines. Jenny and Pablo can show you how!

However, allow me to elaborate on a few points. These two came together because of study, because of intellectual pursuit, because of learning for learning's sake. And, I know that if the previous 251 couples I have married knew them, they would not be offended by my saying that they are positively the smartest couple I have married so far!

However, smarts and studies will only take you so far. You can and many do live bifurcated lives, where intellectual conclusions are kept at bay. Not so with Jenny and Pablo. They have been brave in their studies and fearless in their intellectual pursuits, like Elisha remaining fiercely honest with themselves, following these studies to their logical conclusions. And, like Elisha, they see studying together and teaching, in many different settings, as the best way to reach intellectual heights.

But the most important part is the rest of the story. Jenny and Pablo pay homage to their respective backgrounds through this very ceremony. However, they are on a slightly different path, one weaved within the traditions they acknowledge. This path, rooted in deep intellect, founded on careful study, and engaged in ongoing thought and discourse, is the path they embrace today, and the path they will continue to follow tomorrow, with the deepest love for all of you, their family and friends.