Love is Still Mysterious

Yesterday (3/14) I officiated Laurie and Paul’s wedding ceremony at the Stoneleigh Hotel in Dallas, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

When I reflect on Laurie and Paul's love story, their deep friendship, and how they interact with other, it is almost obvious that they would be matched through a scientifically accurate algorithmic formula. They are so comfortable with each other, there is such an ease to their interactions, that it is difficult to believe they are today celebrating just two years together, since they met. So, no surprise these two give you faith in science, formulas and numbers.

However, Laurie and Paul also remind us, if you will forgive the pun, that not everything can be accounted for. Love is still mysterious and not quantifiable. Love, for instance, can make you misperceive the actual passage of time. This happened on this very day two years ago. As Laurie describes, "We met at 7:30 that Thursday (March 14, 2013), and before I knew it, it was past 11pm that night... After that night, we were pretty much inseparable." Not very scientific or quantifiable, but if you too have been or are in love, you get it!

Laurie and Paul's love continued to grow, and the harmony of their life together felt so perfect, that six months later, the deal was sealed. Laurie mentions that some folks couldn't resist entertaining an audit of the situation. "Some people thought we were moving too quickly in our relationship, but we knew that we were meant for each other." Now, sure, there is no specific place for that type of sentiment on the ledger or the spreadsheet, but looking at them here and now, can anyone doubt that they made the right decision? All that is left now is to make that official, so without further ado, let's do just that!

Find Wholeness Again

On Saturday 3/7, I officiated Rachel and Sam’s wedding ceremony at the Red Corrall Ranch in Wimberly, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

As a father of a daughter, I fully empathize with parents who feel like no one is good enough for their daughter. We are kind of programmed that way. That is why my first introduction to Rachel and Sam really stood out. Leasy, Rachel's mom, spoke about Rachel and Sam, and I have seldom heard a future mother-in-law speak SO glowingly about her future son-in-law. She didn't come out and SAY he walked on water, but she came darn near close. It was clear from her that Sam had had a wonderful and positive impact on Rachel.

So, I was definitely intrigued to see what this Jewish-mother-endorsed guy had going. Then I heard from Sam how equally appreciative he is of the impact Rachel had had on him. He too was effusive. He talked about how she had changed it his life, and given it new meaning. Rachel, of course, just reiterated what her mom had said about Sam's impact on her own life.

Don't take my word for it. Listen to just a little bit of what they have to say. Sam says, "With Rachel, I am motivated to take better care of myself, to work harder, to enjoy life again. She is patient, kind, and warm. I want to marry Rachel now because without her there is no me. I was not a whole person and now I am."

Rachel says, "He makes me so unbelievably happy that I want to share my life with him and be there for him while both of us fulfill our own needs and dreams. I want to continue to feel connected with him and continue to grow with him emotionally. Sam is my other half and brings peace to my crazy world."

Wow. That's kind of tough to follow. What they are each talking about is reminiscent of an ancient Jewish teaching, based on language used in the Second Creation Story in Genesis. This colorful teaching speaks of the primordial human created by the divine as a being with two sides and two faces, one male and one female. This mythical being is then split into two, and man and woman are the products of this divine surgery. Of course, the result of that is that we yearn for that one person, with whom we can find wholeness again. Well, clearly, with Rachel and Sam the search is over. They have put that divinely created puzzle back together. With that said, let's make just that official!

They Just Have It Made

Yesterday evening (2/28) Reverend Marty Younkin and I co-officiated Rani and Shawn's wedding ceremony at the Rosewood Crescent Hotel in Dallas, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

There is one thing you can't help thinking about when you do what I do.. What is it? Simple: Will THIS couple make it? However, I never asked that question about Rani and Shawn. They are going to make it. No doubt about it.

So, how do I know? Just spend a little time with Rani and Shawn, listen to their love story, and observe how it continues to unfold, and how they nurture it. Rani says, in a characteristically straightforward manner, "The thing that I love most about Shawn is that he loves me so completely... I look forward to growing old together and hope we always stay a little weird. I love that about us." Shawn, not surprisingly, is very analytical: "She was strikingly beautiful... As I got to know Rani better, I realized that she was even more beautiful inside than out. What started out as friendship grew stronger. She was smart, witty, strong, sweet, caring……AND very pretty."

Now, all of that is important, vital, critical, but not enough. Rani and Shawn have that additional component that I base my prediction on. They have committed to doing the work that needs to be done. They show this by having done so in the past. As Shawn says, "We spent a lot of time on understanding us... (and) many of the challenges that (already)... wed couples may otherwise face." They continue to do so in the present. As Shawn says, "I feel like our relationship gets better every day and I look forward to spending the rest of my life with her." They will do so in the future. As Rani says, "I still think we can improve."

It is this type of recognition, that marriage is something you need to work at, that the wedding is just the beginning, and that your relationship can and should evolve into something that gets more wonderful every day that will enable Rani and Shawn to go the distance. They just have it made …

Play the Long Game - It's Worth the Wait

Yesterday (2/14) I officiated Ashley and Mike's wedding ceremony at their beautiful home in Dallas, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them:

Ashley and Mike, what a special moment, what a special couple, what a special relationship. One theme that is common in your individual stories, and your shared love story, is the willingness to play the "long game", and wait for what turned out to be each other.

Mike, you talk about how Ashley turned your, "life upside down and around, in a very good way." You share how she has made you a better person and got you out of your comfort zone. However, you had to be open to that, you had to welcome that, you had to be willing to wait for that. You had to play the long game.

Ashley, with your fondness for Yiddish, you say that Mike "is a true mensch", and you share how blessed you feel that he has come into your life. You insist that life "has changed drastically and for the better," because of Mike. However, as you say, you had to wait for Mike, you had to hold out, you had to play the long game.

The beautiful thing in playing the long game is not only is it, as you say, Ashley, "worth the wait." It is much more than that. It shapes your entire demeanor and existence, in understanding that life itself, past, present and future is not about the destinations we reach or strive to reach. There is scarce meaning in most specific destinations. Life is about the journey, the greatest of joys is found in the gradual uncovering of that journey, and the greatest journey is the one you share.

Ashley and Mike, may you continue on this wonderful journey, playing the long game of happiness together, for many many years to come.

Transcend

Saturday evening (2/7) Father Dan McLellan and I co-officiated Sarah and Eric's wedding ceremony at the Westin Poinsett in Greenville, South Carolina. Here are the words I shared with them and their guests:

Friends, our shared traditions embrace lifelong learning, and learning from everyone. So, whenever I officiate a wedding, I ask myself, this couple being unique individuals, what can I learn from them, what are they, consciously or maybe even unconsciously, teaching me, and indeed us?

Frankly, the best thing about working with Sarah and Eric, I feel, was just that. This was a couple that you could really learn from. I mean, one of the first things I ask every couple is how they met. How many couples answer that they met at a think tank?! Well, with apologies to Eric for the unscientific method, based on my anecdotal evidence, so far only about one in 260! Seriously, though, every time I spoke with this erudite couple, the conversation was fascinating.

Indeed, you get the sense from listening to Sarah and Eric talk about each other, that the thoughtfulness and wisdom they each found in the other was mutually attractive. So, even though Sarah admits that the first thing that drew her to Eric was, "his good looks," she says that over that summer interning in DC she "had several of what she considers the deepest conversations of her life." Of course, what Sarah leaves out, and Eric fills in, is that that summer there were several guys chasing her. So, and looking at her on her wedding day makes this obvious, she is only telling half of the story when it comes to good looks fitting in to the narrative! However, what to this day remains the most attractive thing to Eric about Sarah, is her ability to thoughtfully and existentially focus inward on what really matters.

One of the most interesting aspects of their thoughtful relationship has been how they think about their similarities and their differences. To wit, Eric says, "We might appear different but we are very much the same and this is why we clicked and this is why we work."

However, Eric also says, "I am a bit quiet and reserved and she is out-going and sassy. I tend to take my time and scrutinize every piece of information before making a decision whereas Sarah goes with her gut." Sarah says, "He challenges me because he has different opinions and feelings about things, and isn’t afraid to have open conversations... It’s hard for many women, including me, to find men who are strong and confident enough to express opinions that refute their own. So I will never be bored."

So, clearly, Sarah and Eric understand that though we seek out a partner who we are "on the same page with," having differences, though challenging sometimes, can be tremendously enriching. Of course, that begs the question, how do you harness your differences to enrich your life as a couple, rather than allow them to separate you. Here is where this couple's answer is the deepest. In speaking of perhaps the greatest difference they have, Sarah says, "We connect on a spiritual level that transcends religious divisions."

How do you transcend? Something Eric told me about his childhood, reminded me how. Eric celebrated his bar mitzvah in one of the caves that surrounds the Temple Mount in Jerusalem. Now, here is the interesting thing about that place, considered the holiest place on earth to our shared traditions. The mountain itself is mostly artificial. You see, King Herod built huge walls around the mountain, and then poured earth in to create the huge platform we see today.

However, if you go deep enough into the caves that archeologists have carefully dug into the area surrounding the Temple Mount, you eventually reach the original mountain and hit bedrock. You can TRANSCEND the artifice, reach out your hand and touch the actual Mount Moriah. You can touch the very site, where according to legend, both the creation of the world, and the birth of our shared Abrahamic tradition began.

What Sarah and Eric have been able to do in their deep relationship is just that. They have been able to reach that depth, where though their differences remain very much intact, they have touched bedrock. They, like many wonderful interfaith and intercultural couples have figured out what really matters. What really matters, what causes different characteristics to melt away is a shared value system, that holds on to what really matters. What really matters to these two is being kind, curious, thoughtful and loving to each other, and to family, friends and strangers alike. That, when all is said and done, is the bedrock, which they hold firm to. This is how they have transcended their differences, creating a whole new world in the process. Let's hope we can all follow their example. The world will certainly be a better place if only we can.

Pura Vida!

Saturday night (1/24) I officiated Carolyn and Hector's wedding at Maison de Macarty in Bywater, New Orleans, Louisiana. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

 

Friends, our shared traditions embrace lifelong learning, and learning from everyone. So, whenever I officiate a wedding, I ask myself, this couple being unique individuals, what can I learn from them, what are they, consciously or maybe even unconsciously, teaching me, and indeed us?

I am personally fascinated with origin stories. Here is the origin story of today's wedding in Carolyn's own words: "During one of my visits to Costa Rica, I stumbled upon a suffering homeless animal. The community had already come together and invested financially and emotionally in the dog’s care... I felt compelled to assist. Because of this I entered Hector’s work to rent a car to get her to a veterinary facility. Although it took him three weeks to finally ask for a date, we have been together since."

This reminded me of a fascinating rabbinic tale. The Bible does not really explain why Moses was chosen by God to lead the Children of Israel out of Egypt. Now, actually, the Bible does give us enough reasons why he shouldn't. He does not want the job; he does not think the Children of Israel will listen to him; not only is he not a great speaker, he's a poor speaker; he does not think he will be a good leader. So, the Rabbis fill in the back story, the origin story of Moses' leadership.

They tell us that one day Moses was tending the flock of his father in law, Jethro, and a small kid ran away. Moses chased after the kid a fair distance. When he caught up with the animal, he found it drinking from a small stream. Moses said, "Now I understand why you were running away. You were thirsty! You must be very tired now." So, Moses waited for the kid to finish drinking, gently picked it up, and carried it back to the flock. Then God said, if Moses has such a kind heart that this is how he treats animals, certainly he will treat humans kindly too. He will lead my flock, Israel. What matters to God are not superficial attributes; what matters to God is a kind heart.

Now, fortunately, you and I never have to choose a leader to liberate 2 million people from slavery. However, if we are fortunate enough, we choose a spouse. Choosing a spouse is somewhat similar to choosing a leader. In both situations, we have to predict the future. We don't know what we as a country will need, when we elect a president. Likewise, we don't know what we will need or be like a few years into a marriage. So, like God in the rabbinic tale, we look for a sign, an attribute that can serve as a quasi-crystal ball - kindness, a good heart. That is what Carolyn and Hector saw in each other. That is why the origin story of this couple is so significant. They both displayed and admired, in each other, that same kindness that God saw in Moses.

Now, there are actually three more instances in the Moses story that reminded me of this couple. Moses is told to strike the Nile in the Blood and Frog Plagues and the Earth in the Lice Plague. However, he does not do so himself. The Rabbis say that this was because Moses did not want to show ingratitude to the Nile that hid him as a baby and the Earth that hid the evil task master he had killed as a young man. Think about how revolutionary this idea is. Moses showing gratitude to animals is one thing, but to inanimate objects?! That is truly incredible.

And yet, today, to our peril, we understand what happens when we disrespect our waterways and our Earth. We perceive exactly what happens when we do not live in harmony with nature, both animate and inanimate. In this sense, this couple is emblematic. Seldom have I heard two people talk about their love for nature, sustainability and the environment as kindly and passionately, as these two. Just look around you and you can see that in this very ceremony.

With that in mind, can any of us have any doubt that these two will live a life that truly and most definitely embodies "Pura Vida?"

Brit Shalom – a Covenant of Peace

Yesterday, I officiated my first Brit Shalom for Tzvi[1], son of Melinda and Chris in Allen, Texas.  Brit Shalom is a new innovation. As Dr. Mark Reiss explains on his website www.britshalom.info, “Brit Shalom is a naming ceremony for Jewish families opting out of circumcision.” Dr. Reiss is passionate about helping such families, and so he has assembled a list of 213 celebrants in the USA, who are willing to officiate such ceremonies, 158 of which are listed on his website.

I am a little distressed that I am the only one listed for Texas and Oklahoma, who will officiate for any family! After all, as Dr. Reiss explains, “Not all the celebrants listed are opposed to Brit Milah. However, they are all committed to providing service to families unwilling to circumcise their sons, by officiating at Brit Shalom ceremonies.” I, personally, am not opposed to circumcision, nor am I a supporter of this ancient practice. I find each side’s arguments quite legitimate. As all three of my boys were born while we were still Orthodox, I have the luxury of not having to decide, as a non-Orthodox Jew, in practice, what I would do. I just ask myself, if I were opposed to circumcision, would I not want a rabbi to welcome the opportunity to celebrate my child’s birth with me? Therefore, I sincerely hope other rabbis will join me, eventually.   

The term Brit Shalom is an interesting one. The Book of Ezekiel, written from the point of view of the 6^th Century B.C.E. in Babylon, references the historical covenantal relationship between the Yahweh and the Judahites, which other prophets and authors had spoken about at length. As monolatrists[2], the destruction of Judah and the exile of the Judahites to Babylon, implied to many that the covenant had been broken. Ezekiel counters this, and reassures the Judahites that the covenant will be renewed in the future, as a covenant of peace, literally Brit Shalom.

Here are the remarks I shared Sunday night with Melinda, Chris and their extended family, which all gathered at their home in Allen, Texas:

One of the most fascinating things about the Jewish tradition is that a Jewish scholar, be he the greatest scholar of his generation, is referred to as a wise student. That is because Judaism so values the idea of life long learning. So, whatever like-cycle event I officiate, I try to see it as a teachable moment. 

Actually, it is this very point that stands out about Melinda and Chris. Most people just go with the flow. Most people's answer to why they do or don't do something is I don't know, or whatever, or because other people do. The liberal Jewish tradition does not view this type of approach favorably. It embraces the idea of learning that traditional Judaism does. It calls upon the individual, through this learning process, to seek out those traditions that enhance one's life, and practice those. Equally as important, it calls upon the individual, through the very same learning process, to figure out which traditions do not enhance one's life and discard those. Finally, it calls upon the individual, through this learning process to find traditions that with modification, can enhance one's life, and embrace those in their new form. This is exactly what Melinda and Chris have done in seeking out the rituals we practice today.

Now, note that I refer to the individual on purpose. Liberal Judaism calls upon every individual to work through this process. It recognizes that different people will come to different conclusions, and sees that as a good thing. So what is right for Melinda and Chris may not be right for the next couple. How wonderful this diversity is!

Finally, Liberal Judaism calls upon us to engage in dialogue, to argue our cases, and stand by our convictions, allowing the facts to guide us towards the conclusions that are right for us. It also calls upon us to use only the truth, as our guiding light. This means that one needs to listen to the other person's position, carefully evaluate it, be willing to accept that it could be right, and if it is, discard one's own position. This approach is the very approach that Melinda and Chris took in arriving at the conclusion that the type of celebration we observe here today is the right one for them.

So, Melinda and Chris, young Tzvi, is ahead if the pack already, since you will raise him in the very environment that brought about his first life cycle celebration. May you continue to inculcate him with this tremendously healthy approach.

 

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[1] This is the Hebrew name mom and dad gave him Sunday night. In any type of baby naming ceremony, I always reference the English name too. It is omitted here to protect the young man’s privacy.

[2] This is the concept of believing in the existence of many gods, but swearing allegiance to only one. This is quite different from monotheism, where one believes in the existence of only one god. Most scholars today agree that the Yahweh Alone party, the small group of priests in the 7th Century B.C.E., who wrote the core parts of the Torah and Prophets, were monolatrists, not monotheists, and the straightforward reading of the Hebrew Bible really always pointed in that direction.