Friendship, Forgiveness, Compromise, Sacrifice, and Love

Saturday evening, I co-officiated Kelli and Jeff’s wedding ceremony, with Reverend John Sorrell, at the Travis Park United Methodist Church, in San Antonio, Texas. Here are the words I shared with them and their guests:

Even if you try to put yourself in another's shoes, it is impossible not to see the world mostly from our own vantage point. This is why many times, clergymen will begin speaking by asking a question, regarding a theological or textual point, that seems extremely intriguing to them, but that the average person could care less about...

So, now that I have pointed out the folly of such an approach, allow me to do it anyway, because this is really a juicy item. In the Talmud, the foundational book of Jewish Law, on the first page of Tractate Sotah, an ancient rabbi makes a fascinating statement: "Forty days before the creation of a child, a heavenly voice issues forth and proclaims, the daughter of A is for B."

What does that mean? Kelli, in writing about her relationship with Jeff, elucidates this Talmudic passage: "I have grown up believing that fairytales really can come true and that God has that special person already picked out for you. Some people find that person quickly and for others it takes more time. I am so grateful God led me to Jeff when he did." I assume by "quickly", she means people like her, Jeff and her mom, who were in 6th grade, when they met their soulmates, and by "others take take time", she means late bloomers like her dad, who was in 8th grade...

Jeff backs up what Kelli says, and agrees that this seems like a match made in heaven: "Kelli and I have always been very compatible... We truly do operate under the same principles and belief system. We have had similar types of friends, we each study hard, we each work hard... The list goes on and on."

Now, the same Talmudic passage quotes another ancient rabbi, who says, "They only pair a woman with a man according to his deeds." Now, that would seem to contradict the other rabbi's statement, that the match is made before you even come into being, and the Talmud suggests a somewhat simplistic resolution. I would like to suggest though, that there is no contradiction.

It is entirely possible for one to find his or her match quite early, just as this couple did. And you may believe that this match was made in heaven. The question is, what do you do next? Do you sit back, and say, "OK, God, you made this match; now make it work"? Or, do you accept this match, as a gift of potential, a sketch for what might be, and get to work, to make it into the best relationship possible, by constant learning and self-improvement?

Well, I think you know which option I am indicating might be a better bet... Listen to Jeff expound on that: "We have been there for one another through thick and thin and experiencing so many of life's challenges with her by my side has taught me so much. Interestingly enough, I think it has taught her a lot as well!" Kelli agrees when she says, "We have experienced some of life’s sweetest milestones and toughest trials, celebrating, laughing and crying together along the way. I have learned so much about friendship, forgiveness, compromise, sacrifice, and love..."

And they both understand that marriage is the next step, where you double down on your commitment to learn and grow together. As Kelli says, "Marriage... represents a daily promise to one another to continue to love and accept, support and care for each other. Marriage is saying that, without a doubt, there is no one in the entire world that I want to experience life with." That is why Jeff can confidently say what is mutually true, "I’m so incredibly blessed and I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with her."

They Have It Made

Friday evening, I officiated Brittany and Bryan’s wedding ceremony at The Astorian, in Houston, Texas. Here are the words I shared with them and their guests:

I KNOW this couple has it made. Now, you may ask me how I can be so confident. That is a legitimate question. Simple. They work together, not only in the same company, but in the same office.

Now, not every couple can do that, and that is totally OK. You can have two people that love each other very much, that are a good match for a loving relationship, and are not a great match for the working environment. You certainly have many more cases of vice versa. So nothing I am saying here is to judge anyone.

However, I do believe that a couple that can manage both is extremely lucky, and have something worth cherishing and worth admiring.

 

What is it that is at the core of the relationship of couples that are able to manage this feat? Well, I suppose that is worthy of serious study, and perhaps someone will undertake this, if it has not been done yet.

Allow me, though, to offer a hypothesis, based on what I have learned from Brittany and Bryan. I really think it is simple, and that it boils down to one word: comfort. What stood out to me in interacting with both of them is how comfortable each are in their own skins, as individuals and as a couple. You could really sense that in their verbal, as well as their non-verbal communication.

Brittany sums it up best in a short paragraph that sounds like something that Bryan could write too: "I never really ever thought about marriage until I met Bryan, but I knew that he was the one I wanted to spend my life with. He was the one who always seemed to make me feel comfortable. He loves me for who I am. He looks past my flaws and just loves me for me... He does his best to help me be stronger and believe in myself more every day."

That is really what comfort is all about, and that is their secret, they love each other for who they are, they look past each other's flaws, and they help each other become stronger every day. You can't ask for more than that.

Big Deal!

Saturday evening, I co-officiated Claire and Kace's wedding ceremony with Dr. George Mason, at the Four Seasons Dallas at Las Colinas, in Irving, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

It's interesting; we find ourselves in the midst of struggle. And in some ways the point of disagreement at the core of this struggle, is the question of how much control do we really have over our fates. Is success to be attributed mostly to us and our talents? Is failure utterly our fault and worthy of derision? Or perhaps, we must be more humble, and recognize that so much of our good fortune and great privilege, is beyond our control. Perhaps, we must recognize that, conversely, there, but for the grace of God, or karma or luck, go we.

Claire and Kace, and how they came to stand before us here today, remind us of that. After all, it's not that when Claire first lay her eyes on Kace, she was not thinking of him as a good mate. She just didn't think he was a good mate for her...

Listen to Claire in her own words (you really can't make this stuff up...): "Initially, I thought Kace would be the perfect match for my sweet friend, Cori. He was charismatic, unapologetically himself and made everyone around him feel special." She thought she might have some convincing to do, because of, well, Kace's approach during that initial meeting: "I think originally, Kace was trying to network and looking for the next 'big deal'..." She tried to make the match, but was ultimately unsuccessful. "Eventually... I realized there wasn’t a love connection between Cori and Kace. As a failed matchmaker, he ultimately wore me down and asked me on a date…"

Now, Kace picks up the story from here, and with Claire's parents standing so close, he definitely deserves points for honesty: "I can remember telling my dad I was going on a date that night, and he asked, 'Do you really like her?' I responded by telling him, 'Not really. I kind of just feel like taking a girl out to a nice dinner.' [Is this guy a hopeless romantic or what?] We went to Oak for dinner in the Design District, and my views quickly changed. I was immediately attracted to her intelligence, self-confidence, humor, and honesty. I had never found another girl like that, and I still have not."

Now, he definitely redeems himself at the end there, and though we might laugh at the comedy of errors that began with Claire's lackluster matchmaking and continued with Kace's quickly to evaporate cluelessness about the prize he had landed, again, there is a profound message here. Obviously, in all areas of life, we must put one foot in front of the other, and try our best. However, some of the best things in life come to us by no merit of our own. (And, hopefully, as few times as possible for each of us, the converse is true.)

And, so when a wonderful thing happens to us, like Claire realizing that Kace is HER match, like Kace realizing mid-date, that this ONE is different, we are obliged not to be matter-of-fact about it. We are called upon to be joyously thankful and appreciative for the invisible hand of luck or providence guiding us towards that for which we hold no given claim.

Claire, however, says it much better than I ever could, "I guess you could say that Kace stumbled into my life and never quite left. Loud, clumsy, loyal, overly comfortable in a way that often makes me uncomfortable, he is the most genuine, kind and amazing person that I have ever met. Little did Kace know, the day we met he did find a BIG DEAL… a wife!"

You and I

Sunday evening, I officiated Dana and Daniel’s wedding ceremony at the McKinney Flour Mill in McKinney, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

One of the things that stood out to me about Dana and Daniel is their gratitude. Gratitude should never be underestimated in its importance, and conversely there is scarcely a worse quality than being ungrateful.

They both express profound gratitude for having found each other. As Dana says, "We just have so much fun being together. Everything feels easy and right." And as Daniel says, "We’ve both had pretty exciting lives, and we’ve enjoyed sharing them with each other."

They not only express gratitude for having found each other. They are profoundly grateful to their parents. As Dana says, "I grew up in a very stable and loving environment, where my curiosity was allowed to flourish...  I was and continue to be very loved, and... incredibly fortunate." And as Daniel says, "Mom and Dad were always hard at work... managing to never leave my brother or me wanting for anything.  Their work-ethic and strong wills - I tear-up just thinking of..." And, both Dana and Daniel are profoundly grateful that their families have come together and love and appreciate each other. As Daniel says in a slightly folksy turn of phrase, "Our families get along like peas and carrots!" As someone who has officiated many weddings, I will tell you, THAT is nothing to "sneeze" at.

Dana and Daniel's gratitude reminded me of one of the most meaningful readings I have ever found. It so wonderfully expresses how despite the challenges we each face, how grateful we should be for, well, just being. This small piece of prose is poetry-like, which might be surprising, since it was written by a scientist, Richard Dawkins:

"The potential people who could have been here in my place but who will in fact never see the light of day outnumber the sand grains of Arabia. Certainly those unborn ghosts include greater poets than Keats, scientists greater than Newton. We know this because the set of possible people allowed by our DNA so massively exceeds the set of actual people. In the teeth of these stupefying odds it is you and I, in our ordinariness, that are here. We privileged few, who won the lottery of birth against all odds..."

Dana and Daniel not only won the lottery of birth, they won the lottery of excellent parenting, the lottery of great families and the lottery of love. And so, they are utterly and profoundly grateful for this great fortune.

It is, therefore, hard not to pray that Daniel's wish for their future come true, "Perhaps one day we’ll be sitting on a porch swing - or some other fantastic cliché - and be able to look back at our life and just grin. That’s all any of us can ask."

Not a bad "ask". Not a bad "ask" at all.

No Better Time than Right Now

Saturday evening, I co-officiated Dominique and Larry’s wedding ceremony, with Reverend Rhonda Anders, at Chateau Lemoyne, in New Orleans, Louisiana. Here are the words I shared with them and their guests:

I ask every person I marry to write an autobiographical essay. Some approach this task with more relish than others, like Dom here, so much so that they not only write a well written story, but write in the third person! And sometimes people write essays that so speak for themselves in terms of what one can learn from them, that my task becomes one of just finding the right quotes, and the couple's words speak for themselves. THIS is one of those times.

I was especially intrigued by how Dom wrote about how she and Larry met:

"Larry came into Dom’s world out of nowhere. The first time they met was at a friend’s birthday party, which the meeting didn’t really stick on them until the second time they were re-introduced. [You might need to get your eyes checked, Larry... - DSG] When they met for the second time they spent the whole night talking about hip-hop music... They ended up walking and talking for 18 blocks that night.

Dom found out from that night what she continues to love so much about Larry to this day: Larry’s drive to win all of his goals in life is an inspiration, Larry’s confidence in himself, his transparency and love of the future to come, and the most important... Larry’s ability to not only be kind to people he cares about but to everyone he meets."

Wow!

Speaking of love, listen to Larry's simple yet profound statement about their mutual feelings for each other: "Our love is strong and it is hard to describe." And, though Dom highlights his confidence, he is not too shy to share a vulnerability some guys would hide: "There are many thing in life that are uncertain or we are unsure of, but with Dom and I, it is the one thing I am sure of."

Double wow!

Now, I have the privilege, in asking people to write their essays, to ask what might be uncouth coming from anyone else: Why do you want to get married, and why now?

Larry says, "Besides Dom being the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, for lack of a better answer, it just feels 'right'... We have been through a lot together and when I proposed last May, everything felt perfect and Dom felt the same way... Not only will the day itself be memorable but it signifies our future together and what is to come."

Dom, again speaking in the third person has a pretty cool answer, an almost mystical one, in fact: "Dom believes that Larry coming into her life was a gift from God. It didn’t have to be now or ever but as long as she could smile like she does when she wakes up next to him every morning... there is no better time than right now."

You Have to Keep Climbing

Saturday evening, I co-officiated Aly and Andrew’s wedding ceremony, with Monsignor Lawrence Frederick, at Junior League in Little Rock, Arkansas. Here are the words I shared with them and their guests:

I am firmly committed to the idea that the wedding should be about the couple. However, I feel like I just have to say first, thank you Aly and Andrew, for making Father Fred part of this wedding. He is a legendary figure at Andrew’s alma mater, and it is an honor to stand here by his side. I fully intend to work this sentence into most of my conversations from now on, “When I was talking to my friend, who worked on the Mercury project…”

Aly and Andrew’s shared alma mater, University of Arkansas (Go, Razorbacks!) is central to their love story, since that is where they met. Andrew confesses that up to the point he met Aly, “My grades were always good but I was having a rough first couple of years because I felt as though something was missing.” (Hmmm… What could that be?) He continues, “My good friends were hanging out with a group of people and I ended up tagging along one day. While meeting up with that group of people at a football tailgate in Little Rock, I got to really know Aly Hueber. We hit it off well and I even gave up going to the game to get to know her more.” Well, if football in Arkansas is anything like it is in Texas, all I can say is Oy Vey! He says that, “She was something special.” His evidence, by the way, is solid: “She found me funny, interesting, and entertaining!” (Bright girl!) He says that he felt the exact same way about her.

Interestingly, their stories of their first few years at college parallel each other, but Aly has an interesting prelude to the story Andrew tells about that fateful day he ditched football for her, “I entered my freshman year and rushed a sorority… and made some...  amazing friends during my first two years in school. By my junior year I had a circle of friends that hung out about every weekend. I heard through these friends about "Sprick" quite a few times but hadn't met him. At a birthday party… I met this mystery guy for the first time and didn't think much of it.” (Ouch!)

Don’t worry; quickly their stories converged, “Andrew and I talked and laughed the rest of the day. I was amazed at how genuine and interested he was with me. He even skipped going into the football game to stay and spend time with me and my friends. I knew there was something different about him. I heard from Andrew the next day which confirmed he was different from most of the college guys I had met before. He wanted to see me again.”

Pretty quickly, these two feel for each other, and it wasn’t long before they knew that they were destined to be together and marriage was in the cards. And when this engineer proposed, his proposal – you can’t make this stuff up – centered on the idea of Pi. “He proposed on Pi Day, March 14,” Aly says, “and gave a beautiful speech about Pi being an infinite number similar to our infinite love. This was the moment I had been waiting for, but even better.”

Now, Aly and Andrew had one more symbolism, that was hidden in that proposal, so hidden they may not have even realized it. You see, I skipped over the time they took to build their relationship. During this time, they not only made the adjustments necessary to turn two into one. They even passed through the crucible of a long distance relationship, not only made it work, but saw it bring them even closer. They recognized what most sensible couples do. To make a relationship last, you must be prepared to embark on a continuous journey. The engagement, the wedding, and all subsequent milestones, are stops on the way up to the summit.

Now, like most Arkansans, both Aly and Andrew call the mountain upon which they became engaged, Mount Magazine. However, the United States Geological Survey refers to it as Magazine Mountain. Why? Because a “mount” refers to a peak, while a “mountain” refers to a ridge. (Thank you, Wikipedia!) Magazine Mountain is a ridge. On Magazine Mountain, you have to keep climbing to get to the summit, Signal Hill. That, my friends, is Aly and Andrew’s reminder, or signal, if you will, to us today: If you want your relationship to stretch to eternity, you have to keep climbing.

We Still Fly Together

Friday evening, I officiated Dana and Ethan’s wedding ceremony at Via Vecchia Winery, in Columbus, Ohio. Here are the words I shared with them and their guests:

I was inspired to write these remarks in the hometown of Picasso, Malaga. I was listening to a song, Let Your Hair Down by Magic, and it reminded me of Dana and Ethan and their relationship.

You see, one of the funny things about Dana and Ethan, and if you know them well, you know this, is that the origin story of their relationship is very honest, and decidedly unromantic... It might even be called utilitarian. Listen to Dana's description: "It all started at my friend, Megan’s, bachelorette party. One of my best friends, Alicia, was always on the prowl for tall guys for me and decided to ask this group of girls if any of them knew any single, tall guys. Right then Sharon (Ethan’s sister) said, “Uhh yeah, my brother!'" So, when the guy in the song says to his girl, "To me you are more than just skin and bones," well, actually the plight of the tall gal, even one as stunning as Dana, often revolves around most guys' basic egos regarding the length of said skin and bones.

Now, Dana's next words about this love story were really reminiscent of this song: "I’ve never felt more comfortable, confident, and truly loved in my whole life. He is funny, hard-working, giving, and protective in the best way possible." It's almost like she hears him saying the words of the song to her:

"Baby let your hair down

Let me run my fingers through it
We can be ourselves now
Go ahead, be foolish
No one's on the clock now
Lying in this simple moment
You don't gotta worry now
Just let your hair down"

Ethan himself, in his own words, talks about how in Dana he found what he had long been searching for, "companionship, someone to love and share life with, grow and learn together... I know I've finally met the right person... (with) a great heart.”

And lest you think these kids are starry eyed and naive, they have that one essential component in every lasting relationship - they drive each other just a tiny bit crazy. As, Dana admits, in what you know is mutual (somehow, us guys sometimes forget this) "He puts ups with my flaws... and shows me that he loves me all the time." Like the lover in the song says, "Even though... It's not always heaven, we still fly together."

So, we started this origin story with honesty, and with honesty we approach its conclusion. Because, one of the most important aspects critical to a marital relationship, is the ability to be yourself with your partner, to shed all pretenses. You have to have that one person, that regardless of how you are feeling or how your day has gone, with whom you can let your hair down, and say, "You don't gotta worry... It's only us here, only us here..."