A Feeling of Safety and Peace

On Saturday 7/20, I co-officiated Bethany and Justin's wedding with Bethany's close friend, Pastor Crystal Alexander at Ashton Gardens in Corinth, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with everyone:

Bethany tells the coolest story about  a pivotal time she saw Justin. I could paraphrase it, but she tells it so well, so here it is in her own words:

"On the day of the police test I can only remember just how terrified I was. This was what I had been working so hard for, and I was about to find out if I would be an officer or not. At that time I looked up to see Justin Todd walking in the door. At that moment I forgot what I had come to test for. All I could see was Justin and his smile."

Wow.

Now one of the reasons I love this is that this couple's story is NOT one of those phony "love at first sight" stories. First, because this was bot their first interaction, and second, because those can only go skin deep, and these cops are way too serious for that.

This was just the beginning. Jason picks up the story with lunch after the exam:

"We discovered we had many of the same interests and ideas, and were looking for the same things in a partner. From that day forward we have been together. Our relationship has grown from a friendship, through dating to now being engaged."

What is their secret though? Bethany shares a sentiment that if you know this couple, you know is mutual:

"No one else on this earth has the power to calm my nerves and to make me feel safe like he does."

What is she telling us here? That like any really solid loving relationship, the common ideas and values are all critical yet the core is the feeling of safety and peace that these two peace officers bring to each other. It is that ineffable emotion that is the real glue that holds us together with our lovers. It is that glue that I am confident will hold you, Bethany and Justin together from this day forward.

Apples and Trees

On Friday 7/12, Pastor Doris Harris and I co-officiated Megan and Cedric's wedding at Noah's in Irving, Texas. Here are the personal remarks I shared with them:

I wrote these remarks walking the streets of downtown Chicago. I ask each person I marry to write a short autobiographical essay, and was rereading Megan and Cedric's essays at the foot of the old Sears Tower. I was thinking about how intrigued we are by such mammoth constructions. We are especially intrigued by climbing to the top, and looking down upon the world, gaining a greater perspective of our physical surroundings. If only we had a similar vehicle to gain greater perspective upon our lives, our personalities, our mark on the world.

Oh, wait there is such a vehicle; our children...

One of the things you learn pretty quickly as an educator working with children is that usually the apple does indeed NOT far from the tree. So much so that you can, with few exceptions, predict how your interaction with the tree will go.

That is why I love it when I get to meet couples' children during the process of working on their ceremony. You see, I got to read their essays, and I found, like others who know them, a kind, happy, driven couple, who are full of integrity and mutual love, but those were still just words. In meeting their daughter, talking to her, and interacting with this small family I got the bird's eye view, the true perspective that backed up those words. You could see the true great character of this couple shining through. The apple showed you everything you needed to know.

Megan and Cedric, may you continue to share this same love that shines through your daughter today, and enjoy the fruit of your labors from now and forever more.

Passion for Learning

I hadn't officiated a wedding at the Dallas World Aquarium for about 25 hours, so I returned last night to officiate Jessica and Ramin's wedding. In my personal remarks, I always talk about what I learned from the couple, and that is where I began this time too.

I think it is actually in this very area of the importance of learning in the here and now and from each other, that Jessica and Ramin teach us an important lesson.

Jessica and Ramin come from two of the most ancient cultures in the world. Persian and Jewish history goes so far back that it makes the German town that Jessica's current last name invokes look downright new, being founded in 766.

There is great pride in coming from such ancient cultures. However, there is a hazard there too. It is very tempting for members of such rich cultures to sit back on their laurels, and believe that the past is all that matters, and that new knowledge and learning is not only unnecessary, but to be discouraged.

Jessica and Ramin are fine examples of taking the opposite approach. They have each thought deeply about their respective heritages, embraced what was meaningful to them, and continued to learn. They have each strived and continue to strive to know and discover more about the world and about themselves.

Most importantly, they have not just seen each other as lovers, but as fellow learners too. Perhaps one of the only things they might passionately disagree on in this area is who benefitted more from whom. Jessica will tell you that she learned so much more from Ramin, and Ramin will tell you how much more he learned from Jessica. They each will tell you how much more the other inspires them to better themselves each and every day.

Jessica and Ramin, continue on this path of passion for learning, and continue to inspire each other. Through may you find not just 11 years of happiness you have had do far, but seven fold more years to come.

Communication, Mutual Help and Acceptance

Last night, Friday 7/5, Pastor Frank Lane and I co-officiated Ilisa and Landon's wedding at the Dallas World Aquarium. (Right in front of a big fish tank!) here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

In describing the flowering and development of their relationship, Ilisa and Landon touch upon some simple and important attributes that we all know of, but that this couple was astute enough to actually do.

Communication: From John Gray's Mars and Venus through Dave Barry's comedy, we all know the challenges of communication between men and women. You need to be conscious of this, and resolve to overcome these difficulties. And so, Ilisa and Landon told me that, "From the beginning both of us were very straightforward about what our expectations were..."

Helping each other become better: An ideal marriage is one where simple mathematics are defied. We do not just perform a simple operation of 1+1= 2. Rather, we help each other, and ourselves become better, and so 1+1 equals more. As Landon tells us, "I like who I am when I am with her. It’s a much more mature relationship. Who she is builds me up..."

Acceptance: Now one might think if we can communicate well, and we make each other and ourselves better through a mature marriage, well, all problems are solved, and we are all set. If only. We remain human, our marriages are created by humans, even in the best of circumstances take on our fallibilities. As Ilisa and Landon tell us, marriage is not about imagining a perfect partner or perfect marriage. Rather, it is about my partner, but also me, "Accepting all the bad and good things about me..."

Ilisa and Landon, these astute observations are not a given with every couple, as they are with you. Hold on to that, and through communication, mutual help and acceptance, may you find happiness for many years to come.

Saved by Love

On Friday 6/28, I officiated Ginny and David's wedding at the White Elephant Hotel in Nantucket, Massachusetts. Here are the personal remarks I shared with them:

I love the fact that Ginny and David met at culinary school. Why, you may ask? Well, because what is learned in culinary school vs. how most of us "cook" is a perfect analogy for real love vs. fleeting romance.

You see, most of us do our "cooking" by nuking something for a minute or two in the microwave. In culinary school, the philosophy is that if you can make it in a minute, it is probably not worth eating. Heck, just learning how to prepare a good stock, that will then go into future recipes, is done deliberately and slowly.

In the realm of love, it is much the same. Love at first sight is something that is more the stuff of legend than fact. Real love, like in Ginny and David's love story, starts with a firm foundation of friendship, the stock upon which the dish of love may be prepared, if you will. Then it develops gradually and deliberately into a deepening love story, becoming richer and richer with flavor.

This fact about Ginny and David’s love story reminded me of a fascinating passage written by Reinhold Neibhur, one of the greatest theologians of the previous century. Neibhur taught at Union Theological Seminary in New York, and is buried right here in Massachusetts. Listen to this; it is like poetry:

"Nothing that is worth doing can be achieved in our lifetime; therefore we must be saved by hope. Nothing which is true or beautiful or good makes complete sense in any immediate context of history; therefore we must be saved by faith. Nothing we do, however virtuous, may be accomplished alone; therefore we must be saved by love. No virtuous act is quite as virtuous from the standpoint of our friend or foe, as it is from our own standpoint; therefore we must be saved by the final form of love, which is forgiveness."

Wow. In our instant gratification world, can there be a more important message? So let us resolve today, like Ginny and David did in developing their relationship, to be deliberate, to give things time, and in Neibhur's words, "be saved by love."

Loving You Is Easy

On Saturday 6/15, I co- officiated Marybeth and Brian's wedding with Father Lazar Carasala at the landmark Unity Temple on the Plaza in Kansas City, Missouri. Here are the personal remarks I shared with them:

I ask every person I marry to write an autobiographical essay, so I can get to know them a little better. We review these essays in our second meeting. I always suggest that a couple not read each other's essays, before the meeting, as this can not only allow for deeper personal reflection, but frankly spice the meeting up a little...

One of the fascinating things that Marybeth and Brian both mentioned in their essays, is how easy their relationship feels. Marybeth says, "Our personalities just click and being with him is so easy. We have so much fun together and he truly makes me feel so happy.  He is the one person that can always put a smile on my face no matter what." Brian says, "She always puts a smile on my face and is the easiest person to spend time with of anyone that I’ve ever been around. We never run out of things to talk about..."

Wow. How simple yet profound. This reminded me of one of my favorite songs by Sarah McLachlan. She sings, "Loving you is easy. Loving you is wondrous and pure... Caught up in the sparkle in your eyes... You light me up; you take me higher... I found it fresh and new again with you."

Fresh and new indeed! Not to discount the entire self help section of the local bookstore, and though one should never make light of the differences between men and women, isn't the problem many times that we just over complicate things in life?! The lesson that Marybeth and Brian teach us is that it really need not be so. May we all learn from them, and be so lucky to experience love that is easy, wondrous and pure.

An Adventure of Serviam

Yesterday, Sunday 6/9, I co- officiated Erika and Gidon's wedding with Father Marty Hunckler at the Broadmoor in Colorado Springs. Here are the personal remarks I shared with them:

One of the most fascinating books ever written is Maimonides' Guide to the Perplexed. In this book, the great rabbi, physician and philosopher of the 12th Century considers the relationship between Greek Philosophy and Jewish Thought. What better starting point for personal remarks at
the wedding of two practitioners in the world of
medicine, who are also contemplative individuals.

One of the interesting things that Erika and Gidon share is the sense that life is and should be considered an adventure. Now, some people hear that word, and imagine a life of abandon, where one throws caution to the wind, but that is not what adventure is about. Adventure is about understanding what is really important, relishing it, and with that living every moment to its fullest.

A great example of this, is the story of Alexander the Great's encounter with Diogenes. The general, whose childhood tutor was that other famous Macedonian, Aristotle, was so excited to meet another renowned philosopher. As he came upon the minimalistic Diogenes, he saw him lying in his sole possession, a barrel, deep in philosophical thought. He told Diogenes who he was, and said that he would give him anything he asked for. Reportedly, Diogenes said he only had one request. If this man who conquered the whole world would not mind, could he move a little, as he was blocking the sun... Legend has it, that Alexander was far from offended, and exclaimed, "If that I was not Alexander, I would be Diogenes!"

Now, of course, and this is the core of Maimonidean Thought, Diogenes leaves out one important element, one well understood by Erika and Gidon. In one of my discussions with Erika and Gidon, Erika talked about an idea she was taught in Catholic school, that still infuses her daily life, and has guided many of her life choices. It is usually summed up in one Latin word, Serviam, to be of service. Maimonides indeed reminds us that contrary to our friend, Diogenes, to live a good life, one cannot live in a barrel. We are called to help others, to serve.

Interestingly, this is not only at the core of Erika's being. She says, with no irony and with this in mind, that Gidon, 100% a Jew, is one of the best Christians she knows. In this, of course, she does not mean a believer in Christianity, rather she means that he lives his life in a manner consistent with this Judeo-Christian idea, that one cannot live a full life, if one is not of service to others.

Erika and Gidon, what we wish for you is that you carry on this great idea. Continue to live your life as the great adventure it can be, while always being of service to others. In this, may you find great happiness, fulfillment, and peace.