Even Though I Lost the Bet, I Won the Love of My Life

Yesterday, Sunday 3/17, Father Court Moore and I co-officiated Shannon and David's wedding at their favorite bar, Hat Tricks in Lewisville, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

I love hearing couples' life stories, especially stories about how they met. There are often lessons to be learned, when reflecting on those foundational moments of a relationship, particularly in how couples describe these moments. Since this very venue plays a part in Shannon and David's story, it seems especially opportune to focus on this.

Here is David's description:
"I was again at Hattricks and saw Shannon there. I made it a point to strike up some sort of conversation with her, and after a short time we figured out that we went to rival schools (Sam Houston for me and Stephen F. Austin for her). The big rival game was a couple of weeks away from our first meeting, and we made a bet on who would win. The loser of the bet had to treat the other to dinner. I ended up “losing” the bet and treated Shannon to a home cooked meal, I make a mean chicken, rice and broccoli dinner. Even though I lost the bet, I won the love of my life."

Think about that last sentence, "Even though I lost the bet, I won the love of my life." Wow. I think that is really deep. You see, we live in a society, that sees itself as a market economy. One might say that the greatness of our country, and the power of our nation is due to the fact that we have embraced capitalism, where there are inevitably winners and losers.

However, what we sometimes forget is that though there is nothing wrong with our economy being market based, our lives, our relationships, and our values should not be. What Shannon and David remind us is that in our lives we cannot have a winner takes all approach. What Shannon and David remind us is that in our relationships, we should remember that there is no room for zero sum games. What Shannon and David remind us is that when it comes to our values, we should always strive not for a win, but for a win-win. That is because especially in our married lives, if we both don't win, we both lose.

Now, one thing that Shannon and David share is that they tremendously value the example their parents gave them in this area. They say that they learned how to how to live as partners, where everyone wins, from their parents.

So, Shannon and David, what we wish for you is that you continue to live your lives in this fashion, and provide the same type of wonderful example for your offspring after you.

Self Awareness - the Path to Tikkun Olam

Yesterday (Saturday 3/9) I officiated Stephanie and Rueben's wedding at the Ashton Depot in Fort Worth, Texas. Here are the personal remarks I shared with them and their guests:

In one of my meetings with Stephanie and Rueben, I made the observation that they both had a greater capacity for self awareness than other people. Regarding their own emotional and spiritual development, Stephanie and Rueben are very aware of who they are, what they want, and where they are headed, as individuals and as a couple.

Now, being self aware is more challenging than you might think. There is a reason your average airport bookstore has such a large collection of self-help books, from the academically serious titles to the unintentionally comedic titles, like - this is an actual example - How to Change Your Life in 7 Days. Right...

The problem is, as a recent essay in New York Magazine pointed out, most of this ubiquitous book store offering talks a lot about the "help" part, and not so much about the "self" part. So, when I come across a title from that bookstore section that actually addresses the latter, I take note.

Here is what David Kirchhoff, a techie turned CEO, who has a bit of a Buddhist bent, says in his book. (When I read this, I immediately thought of Stephanie and Rueben, and knew I would talk about it here.) "There is no firmly defined 'me.' I am a collection of choices that I make each day, and I am constantly evolving, growing, and changing. I am not bound by who I was... 10, 15 or 20 years ago... Our future can be defined by the choices we make going forward."

Now, you could say that this is true of all of us. Sure, but it is the awareness of this that sets some, like Stephanie and Rueben, apart. It is the awareness of this that allows one to make better choices, it is the awareness of this that allows us to seize some measure of control over our destinies.

Ironically, it is this understanding of self, that helps us discover that a truly meaningful life lies not in the over-indulgence of this self, but outside ourselves. So, we should not be surprised that in their personal and professional lives Stephanie and Rueben focus not on themselves, but on helping others.

Stephanie and Rueben, may you be blessed to continue to possess this deep sense of self, and through this understanding may you continue to practice Tikkun Olam, making the world a better place, each and every day.

There Would Still Be You and Me

Efi and Mike are a special couple. They have been legally married for six years, and decided to go down to Costa Rica with a few friends and family to have the religious celebration they did not have six years ago. Here are the remarks I shared with them:

So, at a wedding in Costa Rica, with a bride and groom from Canada, family here from Israel and a rabbi from Texas, why not read a song from an English rock band, right? Seriously, though, here is something deep from Led Zeppelin:

If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you
When mountains crumble to the sea, there would still be you and me

Kind woman, I give you my all, kind woman, nothing more
Little drops of rain whisper of the pain, tears of loves lost in the days gone by
Our love is strong, with you there is no wrong, together we shall go until we die.
Inspiration's what you are to me, inspiration, look... see.
And so today, my world it smiles, your hand in mine, we walk the miles
Thanks to you it will be done, for you to me are the only one.
Happiness, no more be sad, happiness... I'm glad.

If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you. If the mountains should crumble to the sea, there would still be you and me.

What does that mean in this context, of celebrating your love, Efi and Mike? Unlike the average couple I officiate for, you have been already on a six year long marital journey together. It is easy to see that you have a strong bond of marital love. You have been living a life of telling each other implicitly every day for a long time now, “For you to me are the only one.” As your loved ones here can attest to, your connection, your bond, your marriage is as fresh as it was six years ago, and it grows sturdier every day. In your life you indeed proved that a chance encounter in the Promised Land can lead to a marital life full of promise. And so today, you proclaim to the world, “Our love is strong.”

So, as you place a ring now on Efi’s finger, Mike, and recite the ancient formula in Hebrew, say to her in essence, once more ,“Kind woman, I give you my all, kind woman, nothing more,” and you, Efi, in accepting it, say to Mike, in essence, once more, “Today, my world it smiles, your hand in mine, we walk the miles.” And say to each other from now and forever, “If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you. If the mountains should crumble to the sea, there would still be you and me.”

Truly Come Alive

This last weekend my good friend, Father Milt Raybould, and I officiated Erika and Roman’s wedding at Chateau Cocomar in Houston, Texas. Here are the personal remarks I shared with them and their guests:

It's interesting; some couples can't remember when or how they met, and there is nothing wrong with that. However, there are couples, whose first meeting proves, that while love at first sight might be more Hollywood than reality, love at first meeting can be very real. Erika and Roman are one of those special couples.

It seems like Erika had a premonition that that night was to be pivotal in her life. "I was nervous. I was excited," she says, "I was stepping outside my standard expectations and just allowing myself to be, well, myself."

There was definitely magic in the air. Roman writes, "She was beautiful, smart, inspiring, fun, open, (OK, we know that already, but listen to the rest...) and we seemed to share topic after topic and interest after interest in an experience I never imagined possible before that fateful evening. Our conversations wandered from life, to travel, to photography, to history, to music and all around. It was the most comfortable, simple, honest and fulfilling conversation I ever experienced."

But how do you really know that that love at first meeting is true love? Is that not the question that countless people have asked? Is this not the question pondered by poets, and pored upon by authors of prose? It is difficult to answer, and some might say that you just know it when you see it, but I think that Erika and Roman do offer us an answer. You might have picked up on it in what I read of their words already, but allow me to clarify.

You see, in almost all areas in life, if we realize it or not, we have to put up some type of facade. This is natural, normal, and allows us to function in and as a society. True love means, however, that with that person, we can take down those facades, and truly, deeply be ourselves. This is what Erika and Roman have.

As Roman says, "With her, I feel and appreciate life in a different way. After years of growing accustomed to never being able to truly be myself with anyone, never being able to truly be understood, never being able to truly be as silly as I would like to be sometimes – I can do it all with Erika."

Letting down these facades, allowing oneself to not only love, but also be loved is so vital. In a sense when we have that in our lives, we can truly come alive with that person. This is what an ideal marriage is really all about. As Erika says, "To me, marriage is a covenant, a bond that protects and nurtures two people, who love one another... willing to lay down their guards, to show their scars and to uplift each other in times of weakness and in times of joy."

Erika and Roman, we all pray that you continue to enjoy such a wonderful love, one that enables you to be your true selves, and fully come alive. Through this, may you experience nothing but true mutual, unmitigated and boundless happiness.

The Adventure in the Here and Now

Yesterday evening Deacon Sam Dell'Olio and I officiated the wedding of Stephanie and Dan at Agave Road in Katy, Texas. Here are the personal remarks I shared with these two rocket scientists (seriously!) and their guests.

So, when a couple first calls me to ask if I might be able to officiate their wedding, I always ask them to first tell me about themselves. Stephanie's initial answer was short and to the point, "I run the International Space Station, and Dan trains astronauts to go up to it." Wow. Many more of us today than in the past, are lucky to work in jobs we enjoy and find fulfillment in, but this sounded above and beyond.

Now, beyond the fact that these two are scary smart rocket scientists, how did they pull this off? How did they get to where they are in life? Well, I detect in Stephanie and Dan something that all of us should cultivate: an uncompromising passion to follow their dreams, and a belief that those dreams could come true.

Stephanie and Dan separately each had the drive to pursue a vocation that few of us could imagine. They each resolved to follow that dream, and follow it they did.

Now, this dream come true led to them meeting. And when they barely started going out, a friend remarked to Stephanie that she, Stephanie, would marry Dan one day. Stephanie said, "You never know..." Smash cut to today, Stephanie and Dan are together fulfilling another dream.

I think that many of us have the potential to fulfill our dreams in our professional and personal lives. All too often we put them off for a later time. At that undefined amorphous time, we will go on great adventures, and our dreams will come true.

The valuable lesson that Stephanie and Dan teach us is that it need not be that way. THIS can be IT. The adventure can be the here and now, if we just allow ourselves to follow our dreams.

What is True Love

Yesterday I officiated Sivan and Sam's wedding at the beautiful Cala Luna Hotel, in Tamarindo, Costa Rica. Here are my personal remarks:

Many great thinkers have long entertained a seemingly simple question, what is true love? When do I know that what I feel for another person is true love? Now, I say this is only a seemingly simple question because, though the question sounds simple, the answer might not be. In fact, depending on who you ask you will probably get different answers.

One of the best answers I have heard is that true love means caring about the other person's welfare and happiness, as much or more than you care about your own. Anyone who knows Sivan and Sam, knows that this is certainly true regarding their partnership, their relationship, their love.

However, I believe that they take it to another level. Sivan says that Sam has more faith in her, than she has in herself. I sense that this feeling is definitely mutual. They not only care deeply about each other; they profoundly believe in each other.

I further sense that it is this faith, this profound belief in each other that brings about another aspect of the depth of their relationship.

Sam says, "My life is infinitely better with her in it... I feel we are capable of far more together than apart." What is Sam saying here? He is expressing, once again what I believe is a mutually held feeling, that together, as a team, their partnership is greater than the mere sum of its parts. How does one achieve such a unique and special partnership? Again, only by deeply loving one another, and profoundly believing in each other.

So, Sivan and Sam, what we wish for you is simple, that you continue to deeply love and profoundly believe in each other. Through that your bond will be absolutely unbreakable.

An International Love Story

Fifteen months ago in September 2011 I met with Ceci and Jesse in Merida, Mexico, while I was there to officiate a wedding. Thursday (1/3) I returned to that city to close the circle, and officiate theirs. Jesse, who plays in a band, met Ceci, a Merida native, while she was pursuing a culinary arts career in Jesse's hometown of New York. Here are the words I shared with them and their guests:

I first met Ceci and Jesse about fifteen months ago, here in Merida. What struck me the most about them was the equanimity with which they faced challenges that would have been just too much for others.

How did they do it? How did they overcome circumstances that would have brought down lesser individuals and lesser couples?

I believe that they had a number of specific qualities that helped them on their journey.

So many problems that we encounter as individuals and as societies are due to the fact that people cannot or will not step outside of themselves, if you will, and really self reflect. In this area Ceci and Jesse stand apart. They both have a refined ability to self reflect. Through this they are able, even when they encounter great difficulties, to view their situation much more objectively than the average person.

Ceci and Jesse both have a quiet confidence about them, which reflects an inner sense of security and peace. It is this sense of security, that allowed them to take the road less traveled in their individual lives. It is this sense of inner peace that allowed them to truly pursue their dreams, be it in music for Jesse or in the culinary arts for Ceci. Where others just dreamt, they chose to live their dreams. It is this same sense of security and inner peace that helped them work as a team, and overcome the challenges that the world threw at them.

Most importantly, though, is the fact that to Ceci and Jesse living a meaningful life has always been paramount. It is really important to them, as individuals and as a couple, to really have an impact on the lives of others. I would argue that there is no greater meaning we can give to this adventure we call life.

So, there you have it. Self reflection, inner peace and living a life of meaning. Not a bad recipe for overcoming a few bumps in the road. Not a bad recipe for a long lasting marriage either.