An International Love Story

Fifteen months ago in September 2011 I met with Ceci and Jesse in Merida, Mexico, while I was there to officiate a wedding. Thursday (1/3) I returned to that city to close the circle, and officiate theirs. Jesse, who plays in a band, met Ceci, a Merida native, while she was pursuing a culinary arts career in Jesse's hometown of New York. Here are the words I shared with them and their guests:

I first met Ceci and Jesse about fifteen months ago, here in Merida. What struck me the most about them was the equanimity with which they faced challenges that would have been just too much for others.

How did they do it? How did they overcome circumstances that would have brought down lesser individuals and lesser couples?

I believe that they had a number of specific qualities that helped them on their journey.

So many problems that we encounter as individuals and as societies are due to the fact that people cannot or will not step outside of themselves, if you will, and really self reflect. In this area Ceci and Jesse stand apart. They both have a refined ability to self reflect. Through this they are able, even when they encounter great difficulties, to view their situation much more objectively than the average person.

Ceci and Jesse both have a quiet confidence about them, which reflects an inner sense of security and peace. It is this sense of security, that allowed them to take the road less traveled in their individual lives. It is this sense of inner peace that allowed them to truly pursue their dreams, be it in music for Jesse or in the culinary arts for Ceci. Where others just dreamt, they chose to live their dreams. It is this same sense of security and inner peace that helped them work as a team, and overcome the challenges that the world threw at them.

Most importantly, though, is the fact that to Ceci and Jesse living a meaningful life has always been paramount. It is really important to them, as individuals and as a couple, to really have an impact on the lives of others. I would argue that there is no greater meaning we can give to this adventure we call life.

So, there you have it. Self reflection, inner peace and living a life of meaning. Not a bad recipe for overcoming a few bumps in the road. Not a bad recipe for a long lasting marriage either.

Life is Self-Transformation

Last Friday night (12/28) I officiated Pat and Steve's wedding ceremony at the beautiful Harmony Chapel in Aubrey, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Pat and Steve are such a unique couple. You really sense a quiet wisdom emanating from both of them. They have been around the block. They have learned a thing or two. They have each transformed their lives as individuals and as a couple.

Now, sometimes, what comes with this type of wisdom is a feeling that an individual or a couple might be a little staid, or dare I say, stale, maybe even timid. But not Pat and Steve.

You sense that they are vibrant and young at heart. You know that they are at an exciting period in their lives. You see how being with each other makes them just giddy in anticipation of each and every day.

Ask them why, and they will tell you, modestly, because of him or because of her, depending on who you are talking to. And they each are emphatic that being together not only brings them happiness; it makes them better people. And so, their love, is seasoned and mature, and at the same time fresh and invigorating, even contagious.

Thinking about Pat and Steve, I was reminded of the words of the Bohemian poet and essayist, Ranier Maria Wilke. Listen to this; it is as if he was writing about Pat and Steve:

"Life is self-transformation, and human relationships, which are an extract of life, are the most changeable of all, they rise and fall from minute to minute, and lovers are those for whom no moment is like any another. People between whom nothing habitual ever takes place, nothing that has already existed, but just what is new, unexpected, unprecedented."

Pat and Steve, continue to relish in your self-transformation. Continue to live life to the fullest. Continue to grow together, as individuals and as a couple, in ways that are new, unexpected, and unprecedented.

Lifelong Learning in the Broadest Sense

On Saturday night (12/22) I officiated Florencia and Gustavo's wedding ceremony at Casona San Ignacio in Santiago, Chilé. This is the first wedding I officiated entirely in Spanish. Here is an English translation of the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Friends, one of the most fascinating things about the Jewish tradition is that a Jewish scholar, be he the greatest scholar of his generation, is referred to as a talmid chacham, literally a wise student. That is because Judaism so values the idea of lifelong learning. Whenever I officiate a wedding, I ask myself, this couple, being unique individuals, what can I learn from them, what are they; consciously or perhaps unconsciously, teaching me, and indeed us?

In fact what I think we can learn from Florencia and Gustavo is just that - the importance of lifelong learning in the broadest sense. They are first and foremost learners. They relish learning. They look for opportunities to learn. They try to learn from every person and from every situation.

What qualities do these two exhibit that enable them to be the ultimate learners?

They are very self-aware and deeply self-reflective. They have never really been interested in conforming and doing something just because others do it. They highly value difference - be it different outlooks, different cultures and especially different people. They know that nothing worth having comes easy. They are thoroughly independent. Perhaps the most important thing is they care very deeply about others, and they realize that in almost any situation, the healthiest approach is to realize, that it is really not about you.

The really cool thing is that they live by this creed not only in their individual lives, but in their life as a couple. In fact that makes their relationship so strong, since the very qualities that make a person a lifelong learner are the qualities that will make a person an ideal lifelong partner.

Florencia and Gustavo, thank you for this vital lesson. May you continue to live your lives in this very fashion for many happy years to come.

And here they are, as I actually did them in Spanish:

Amigos, una de las cosas más fascinantes de la tradición Judía, es que un sabio Judío, aunque sea el mayor sabio de su generación, es llamado talmid chacham; literalmente, estudiante sabio. Esto es porque el Judaismo valora mucho la idea del aprendizaje a lo largo de la vida. Cada vez que oficio en un matrimonio, me pregunto; ¿De esta pareja, siendo individuos únicos, qué puedo aprender? ¿Qué es lo que ellos, consciente o tal vez inconscientemente, me enseñan a mí, y a todos nosotros?

En efecto, lo que creo que podemos aprender de Florencia y Gustavo, es precisamente eso – la importancia de un aprendizaje a lo largo de toda la vida, en el sentido más amplio. Ellos son, primero y ante todo, estudiantes. Aman el saber. Buscan oportunidades para aprender. Intentan aprender de cada persona y cada situación.

¿Qué cualidades tienen, que les permiten ser grandes aprendices?

Son muy conscientes de sí mismos, y profundamente auto-reflexivos. Nunca han estado interesados en conformarse, y hacer algo sólo porque otros lo hacen. Valoran mucho lo distinto – ya sea un aspecto distinto, una cultura distinta y, especialmente, personas distintas. Saben que nada que valga la pena se consigue sin esfuerzo. Son sumamente independientes. Tal vez lo más importante es que se preocupan profundamente de los demás, y se dan cuenta de que, en casi toda ocasión, lo mas sano es notar que la situación no gira en torno a ellos.

La cosa más increible es que viven bajo ese credo, no solo en sus vidas individuales, sino que también en su vida como pareja. De hecho, esto fortalece su relación, pues las cualidades que hacen de alguien un gran aprendiz, son las mismas cualidades que hacen de una persona una pareja de vida ideal.

Forencia y Gustavo, gracias por esta vital lección. Esperamos que continúen viviendo sus vidas de la misma forma, por todos los felices años que vendrán.

A Thanksgiving Day Wedding

Thanksgiving Day I officiated Ginger and David’s wedding at their home in North Dallas, Texas. This was a really special. Many Jewish weddings are celebrated under a chuppah, which serves as a symbol of the home the couple builds together. Just as Abraham and Sarah had their tent open on all sides to welcome guests, so too is the chuppah open to represent the hospitality and sense of community the couple hopes to create in their own home. With this wedding, we did one better. We had no need for a mere symbol of home and hospitality. We had the real thing, as we celebrated this wedding in the couple’s home, surrounded by their family and very close friends.

Ginger and David decided on November 22nd, Thanksgiving Day, as the day they wanted to get married for a number of reasons. It was Ginger's late father Bob's favorite holiday, and 22, as her cousin reminded her, has always been a significant number for Ginger. Thanksgiving has been important to David’s family, since they immigrated to the United States, as the quintessential American holiday.

Here are the remarks I shared with them:

Ginger and David are extraordinary together. Spend just a few moments with them, and you can sense not just their love, but their deep friendship. They are truly best friends.

They are both passionate about each other and passionate about life. They work hard and they play hard. They have formed not just a genuine partnership with each other, but a wonderful, loving, cohesive family with Sally and Peter.

So, one might ask the same question they each asked themselves and each other rhetorically many times over the last decade, why get married? I mean, if everything is working well, why is that last detail important?

Now, Ginger and David are very close with their families, and Ginger says the idea of marrying was crystallized for her by one of her many cousins. This cousin asked her why they did not get married, and Ginger, like any good Jew, answered the question with a question, and asked why they should? His answer was simple yet profound, "Because you love each other."

Now, I don't know how much longer that person thought about this short exchange, but it really resonated with these two. They resolved to marry, because they love each other. That's it. You can't really top that, so let's not try to, let's get these two lovebirds married!

Sharing, Caring and Respecting

Yesterday (Saturday 11/24) I officiated Jessica and Micah's wedding at the Plaza in Durant, Oklahoma. Jessica loves the teachings of the late Lubavitcher Rebbe, so my remarks centered on some of his words of wisdom:

I ask each couple I marry to write a short essay about themselves, and specifically to touch upon why they want to marry their soul mate. I loved reading what Jessica and Micah wrote. They talk about the deep sense of partnership they share as lovers and parents. They talk about how much they value and respect each other. They emphasize how much they care for each other, and how they each savor and treasure the caring they each get from the other. Jessica writes that Micah “is so loving and caring, often times putting the needs of Ariella and me before his own… Micah is an excellent father. He works tremendously hard to put food on our table… but most of all, so that I can stay at home to raise Ariella properly.” Micah writes in turn, “Jessica is always there for me, to help me, to listen, and to give me advice. She takes wonderful care of me at all times.”

This reminded me of the advice Jessica’s favorite rabbi, Rabbi Menchem Mendel Schneersohn, gave a young woman regarding finding true love. Here is what this sage told the young woman. Listen to this; these words are gold:

“Real love is an experience that intensifies throughout life. It is the small, everyday acts of being together that makes love flourish. It is sharing, caring, and respecting one another. It is building a life together, a family and a home. As two lives unite to form one, over time, there is a point where each partner feels they are a part of the other, where each partner can no longer visualize life without the other.”

Incredible. Having spent time with Jessica and Micah, it is as if the Rebbe is talking about them, and describing their relationship. Jessica and Micah, what is it we wish for you? That you continue to live your life in exactly this fashion, sharing, caring and respecting one another, united together as one.

Being Thankful, Happy and Content

Yesterday (Saturday 11/10) I officiated Harper and Israel's wedding at their home in San Antonio, Texas. Here are my personal remarks to this special couple and their guests:

When I was a kid, growing up in Israel, my late mom and I really enjoyed reading and discussing columns by a sharp and witty journalist, Tommy Lapid.

One of the reasons I so loved to read him is that though he was as astute as the next guy, and even somewhat of a cynic, from time to time he would take a break and write a very different column. In these different columns he would remind us, Israelis in the 1980s, that though we had our share of problems, with all of the challenges we had, frankly, we had never had it so good. He would remind us how thankful and happy and even content we should be due to that.

Getting to know Harper and Israel I found myself reminiscing about reading Tommy's columns with my mom. Harper and Israel have something quite enviable, something we should all strive for - a general state of mind of thankfulness for what they have in life, true happiness and genuine contentment.

That does not mean they have no problems. That does not mean they have no challenges. That does not mean they have no concerns. We all do, and they do too.

However, some of us, many of us, let those problems, challenges and concerns bog us down so much that we unalterably lose that thankfulness, happiness and contentment, but not Harper and Israel.

What I see in them is an ability to rise above it all, remain centered and come back to that place of thankfulness, happiness and contentment they have found individually and in each other arms.

So, let us resolve to join them. Let us resolve to be more thankful for all of the wonderful things we have. Let us resolve to be happier and more content, just like Harper and Israel.

A Sense of Thanks, Dedication and Purpose

Yesterday (Saturday 11/3) I co-officiated Holly and Gary's wedding with Dr. Darin Wood at Centaur Arabian Farms in Flint, Texas. Holly and Gary met in Afghanistan, and I started with that in my personal remarks.

So, I think every kid, at some point, asks his or her parents how they met. I don't remember when I asked this question, but I know I did. I remember the response. They met at a party. My next question was where, and I don't remember much beyond the answer, "New York." I probably went right back to playing with my toy trucks, because "New York" to a little kid living in Chicago just does not provoke any further conversation.

Now, Holly and Gary's future children will at some point ask them the very same question, and their answers will be quite different. "We met at the Marine Corps Birthday Ball," they will say. Then when the kids ask where, the conversation will really start to get interesting, because "Kabul" just sounds really funny to the young American ear. (Well, to the older one too...) No doubt, their children will ask what on earth BOTH of them were doing in that funny sounding place.

Now, this might lead to a discussion regarding a fascinating concept we Jews call Bashert in Yiddish. Like many words in this Germanic-Jewish language spoken for hundreds of years by Jews across Central and Western Europe, it is so rich that it almost resists translation. Bashert means "meant to be," and also "made in heaven." It can describe a situation, as in, "It was bashert, that we were both at the same Marine Corps Birthday Ball." It can mean one's soul mate, as in, "She met her bashert at the Marine Corps Birthday Ball." You see, the ancient rabbis believed that while one is still in uteri, a heavenly voice proclaims who a fetus will marry. I imagine Holly and Gary will say that their meeting at that place with a funny name was bashert, and that it was also where they each met their bashert.

Now, with many other couples, the discussion might end there. With Holly and Gary, however, I think this will lead to discussions very early on, earlier than in many families, about the love we have for our country, about how lucky we are to have our freedoms, and how sometimes we need to go to funny sounding places to defend those freedoms.

Knowing Holly and Gary, they will probably relate all of this in a very matter of fact way. They won't make a big deal out of the fact that were part of the minute percentage of Americans who served in the military. They won't make a big deal out of the fact that they gave up some of their prime years. They won't make a big deal out of the fact that they are, well, a big deal.

Their children will understand that many in their generation owe their very existence to the fact that young men and women heeded the call to go to far places with funny names to protect our way of life. I believe that that fact alone will imbue them, and should imbue us with a sense of thanks, dedication and purpose.