The Golden Rule

On Friday, November 11th, I officiated Tori and Gabe’s wedding ceremony at The Vintage Rail in Fort Worth, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

I have officiated over 530 weddings, but Tori and Gabe’s wedding is a first in a very special way. One of Tori’s relatives was gifted a prayer book on her wedding day by her groom. That custom is quite common. It is the inscription, however, on the prayer book that is special. 

It was written in 1938 in then Palestine, which was under the rule of the King of England, by a great rabbi named Rabbi Abraham Samuel Finkel. Now, that last name, Finkel, is a dead giveaway in the world of Jewish scholarship, for this man’s father was a founder of a prominent school of the Mussar movement, whose goal was to “foster peace of mind, humility, tolerance, thoughtful consideration of others, self-examination, and purity of mind.”

Tori and Gabe’s relationship origin story exhibits Gabe’s thoughtful consideration of others, as there can be no greater consideration than saving a damsel in distress. Gabe says, “How we met was definitely out of a romantic comedy. The owner of the company I was with had a housewarming party, and Victoria's best friend got hired to work the bar.” 

Tori explains that since the company was mostly made up of men, everyone was asked to bring a girl or a houseplant. Fortunately, Tori’s friend brought her and not a houseplant, or we might not be here today. 

Gabe continues, “I was walking around the party and saw Victoria talking with this goober, and I felt the need to interject. I put my arm around her.” The guy asked then asked Tori, “Is this your boyfriend?” Tori started to correct him and say, “Friend.” Gabe interrupted and said, “Fiancée.” Though Tori insists she was in no need of saving, the rest is clearly history.

Now, though the Mussar movement in Judaism was new, it was not introducing anything that, at its core, was not already part of all great traditions. The movement’s teachings simply elaborate on the idea taught by Hillel, Jesus, the Buddha, Confucius, Muhammad, and more, which scholars refer to as the ethic of reciprocity, and laymen refer to as the Golden Rule. As Tori wisely observes regarding all religions, “It’s hard to… take them at face value, but underneath them all, the golden rules and foundations are… so closely related.”

Here is the thing about the Golden Rule. It is really easy to abide by it in isolation, especially in its negative form, as expressed by Hillel. If you don’t interact with anyone, well, you can’t do anything to them that you would not want to be done to you. 

Living in isolation, though, is not possible, arguably, it leaves a person’s moral development stunted, and it means that you will leave this world not much better than you found it. Conversely, through a great romantic relationship, the Ancient Rabbis tell us, not only does one get to regularly practice the Golden Rule, but one also gets to fulfill the commandment to love one’s fellow as oneself in its highest form. 

Tori expresses these ideas beautifully: “I couldn’t imagine my life without this man. It would be dull and less stimulating. I would survive, of course, but it would hold so much less meaning. After six years together, life with him is home, and I’m ready to share a life together in meaning and name, to take on the world as a unit, and to be a family.”

Gabe adds, “We have been together six years now. She has made me a better man and only wants to see me succeed. It would be hard to find another woman as kind, smart and caring as her.”

And Tori speaks for both of them when she says, “I want our children to see us as a united guiding force, not just two individuals passing through time… It takes strength and love to make a relationship withstand the test of time and feel like not only do we bring out the best in each other; being together helps us bring out the best in ourselves.”

The Meaning of Life (with apologies, in advance, to Monty Python)

This special blog post is NOT from a recent wedding. These ideas have been percolating in my mind, and I thought sharing them might be beneficial.

Ever since I was 17, I have been an existentialist. I do not mean by this that I fully understood what that meant. I am still not sure I fully do. I am certainly not a trained philosopher. And most certainly, leaving Orthodox Judaism behind has changed what being an existentialist means to me. All the same, an existentialist I was, I am, and will be.

The way I understand existentialism is as a positive form of nihilism. Many people see nihilism as negative in its essence. I do not believe this is true.  I believe it is neutral. All nihilism means to me is that there is no inherent, taken for granted, meaning in life. It does not mean that it cannot (have meaning). Existentialism comes along and says, life has no inherent meaning, but not only can it, it should. Every one of us gets to (and to live life fully must) decide what that meaning is. That meaning can be different for different people. It can also be different for the same person, at different times and different stages in life.

This means that some of the questions we frequently ask ourselves are the wrong questions. It is only human to ask, “Why am I here?” It is only human to ask, “Why did this happen to me?” It is only human to ask, “What inherent meaning does my life, in general, and this moment, specifically, have?” It is only human to ask these questions, but they are unanswerable.

We must accept that these questions are unanswerable, and ask entirely different questions. We must ask, “Now that I am here, what meaning will I give to my life?” We must ask, “Now that this has happened to me, what meaning will I give to it?” We must ask, “What approach and action will I take, that will give meaning to my life, in general, and specifically to this moment?” 

I purposefully phrase these questions in the singular first person. If existentialism acknowledges that there is no inherent, taken for granted, meaning in life, how on earth can I tell you what your meaning should be, be you the singular you or the plural you. I can tell you what meaning I have found. That may help you find yours; nothing more, nothing less.

This does not mean there are no absolutes. In fact, an inherent absolute truth that flows from this is that every single person must be accorded the opportunity to find their own positive meaning in life, and that necessarily, your quest for positive meaning cannot impede others’ opportunity to find theirs. In other words, as Hillel the Elder stated what we call today the Golden Rule, “That which is hateful to you, do not do to others. That is the entire Torah; the rest is commentary. Now, go study.”

Hillel, the Elder

(From the Menorah in front of the Knesset,

the Israeli parliament)

This also does not mean that it is all about you. Once again, if we accept that every single person must be accorded the opportunity to find their own positive meaning in life, it is about everyone, including you. And, though you must find your own meaning, seldom can that be done in a vacuum. It is through interaction with the world that we find the deepest meaning (which) life, in the short term and in the long term, may have in store for us. If we take this approach, almost inevitably, we make the world a better place, too.

It is this existential approach that has helped me in my life. This helped me, as I stood over my young mother’s grave, and five years later, as I carried my child in my arms to a grave not far from hers. This helped me, as I answered students’ unanswerable questions on September 12, 2001. This helped me, as I followed my convictions, left a way of life and a good living, and ventured out into the wilderness.

So, how do I answer the question, “Now that I am here, what meaning will I give to my life?” How do I answer the question, “What approach and action will I take, that will give meaning to my life, in general?” I am blessed to have two professional pursuits, which I am passionate about. I find great meaning in working every day to help build a system that will make homelessness in Dallas rare, brief and nonrecurring. I also find great meaning in helping interfaith couples have the wedding ceremonies that are most meaningful to them. I am also blessed to have three children. I find great meaning in raising children that are and will be free to (and able to) answer this question, for themselves.  This means that they may answer it in very different ways than I do, and that is OK. In fact, it should be celebrated. 

And how do I answer the question, “Now that this has happened to me, what meaning will I give to it?” How do I answer the question, “What approach and action will I take, that will give meaning, specifically, to this moment?” Though moments vary, and meaning evolves, the answers in the previous paragraph apply still. In a life grounded in existential meaning, the moment contains in it a call to recommit to those things that give my life meaning, in general. 

This I present as what worked and continues to work for me. To paraphrase Hillel, this is my commentary. You, the reader, must figure out how to answer these questions for yourself. You must figure out what your commentary is, so now, as Hillel instructed, go study.

Not a Bad Recipe

Saturday evening, 10/19, Father John Schultz and I co-officiated Mackenzie and Travis' wedding at the Knollwood Country Club in West Bloomfield, Michigan. Here are the words I shared with them and their guests:

It is often said that if one asks a clergyman what time it is, one should expect to hear how to make a watch. This might be why I love simple messages. And Mackenzie and Travis have really simple and straightforward reasons for why they belong together.

Travis highlights how lucky he feels: “Although Mackenzie would never take credit for it, she makes my life infinitely better than it was before I met her, and has made me a very lucky man.”

Mackenzie highlights the pure joy this gentleman brings to her life: "Travis always seems to find a unique way of making me smile. I know our lives will be forever filled with laughter, love and companionship."

Travis talks about their shared vision: "Mackenzie and I share the same values on important issues like family, morality, the importance of friends, trying to help others and living by the Golden Rule."

Finally, Mackenzie talks about how much they have mutually improved each other’s lives: "As much as he may say that I made his life better, I fully appreciate all of the gifts that he has brought into my life."

So there you have it. Keep it simple. Feel lucky to have your partner, bring each other joy, share a vision, make each other better. Not a bad recipe for a successful marriage...