Sharing, Caring and Respecting

Yesterday (Saturday 11/24) I officiated Jessica and Micah's wedding at the Plaza in Durant, Oklahoma. Jessica loves the teachings of the late Lubavitcher Rebbe, so my remarks centered on some of his words of wisdom:

I ask each couple I marry to write a short essay about themselves, and specifically to touch upon why they want to marry their soul mate. I loved reading what Jessica and Micah wrote. They talk about the deep sense of partnership they share as lovers and parents. They talk about how much they value and respect each other. They emphasize how much they care for each other, and how they each savor and treasure the caring they each get from the other. Jessica writes that Micah “is so loving and caring, often times putting the needs of Ariella and me before his own… Micah is an excellent father. He works tremendously hard to put food on our table… but most of all, so that I can stay at home to raise Ariella properly.” Micah writes in turn, “Jessica is always there for me, to help me, to listen, and to give me advice. She takes wonderful care of me at all times.”

This reminded me of the advice Jessica’s favorite rabbi, Rabbi Menchem Mendel Schneersohn, gave a young woman regarding finding true love. Here is what this sage told the young woman. Listen to this; these words are gold:

“Real love is an experience that intensifies throughout life. It is the small, everyday acts of being together that makes love flourish. It is sharing, caring, and respecting one another. It is building a life together, a family and a home. As two lives unite to form one, over time, there is a point where each partner feels they are a part of the other, where each partner can no longer visualize life without the other.”

Incredible. Having spent time with Jessica and Micah, it is as if the Rebbe is talking about them, and describing their relationship. Jessica and Micah, what is it we wish for you? That you continue to live your life in exactly this fashion, sharing, caring and respecting one another, united together as one.

Being Thankful, Happy and Content

Yesterday (Saturday 11/10) I officiated Harper and Israel's wedding at their home in San Antonio, Texas. Here are my personal remarks to this special couple and their guests:

When I was a kid, growing up in Israel, my late mom and I really enjoyed reading and discussing columns by a sharp and witty journalist, Tommy Lapid.

One of the reasons I so loved to read him is that though he was as astute as the next guy, and even somewhat of a cynic, from time to time he would take a break and write a very different column. In these different columns he would remind us, Israelis in the 1980s, that though we had our share of problems, with all of the challenges we had, frankly, we had never had it so good. He would remind us how thankful and happy and even content we should be due to that.

Getting to know Harper and Israel I found myself reminiscing about reading Tommy's columns with my mom. Harper and Israel have something quite enviable, something we should all strive for - a general state of mind of thankfulness for what they have in life, true happiness and genuine contentment.

That does not mean they have no problems. That does not mean they have no challenges. That does not mean they have no concerns. We all do, and they do too.

However, some of us, many of us, let those problems, challenges and concerns bog us down so much that we unalterably lose that thankfulness, happiness and contentment, but not Harper and Israel.

What I see in them is an ability to rise above it all, remain centered and come back to that place of thankfulness, happiness and contentment they have found individually and in each other arms.

So, let us resolve to join them. Let us resolve to be more thankful for all of the wonderful things we have. Let us resolve to be happier and more content, just like Harper and Israel.

A Sense of Thanks, Dedication and Purpose

Yesterday (Saturday 11/3) I co-officiated Holly and Gary's wedding with Dr. Darin Wood at Centaur Arabian Farms in Flint, Texas. Holly and Gary met in Afghanistan, and I started with that in my personal remarks.

So, I think every kid, at some point, asks his or her parents how they met. I don't remember when I asked this question, but I know I did. I remember the response. They met at a party. My next question was where, and I don't remember much beyond the answer, "New York." I probably went right back to playing with my toy trucks, because "New York" to a little kid living in Chicago just does not provoke any further conversation.

Now, Holly and Gary's future children will at some point ask them the very same question, and their answers will be quite different. "We met at the Marine Corps Birthday Ball," they will say. Then when the kids ask where, the conversation will really start to get interesting, because "Kabul" just sounds really funny to the young American ear. (Well, to the older one too...) No doubt, their children will ask what on earth BOTH of them were doing in that funny sounding place.

Now, this might lead to a discussion regarding a fascinating concept we Jews call Bashert in Yiddish. Like many words in this Germanic-Jewish language spoken for hundreds of years by Jews across Central and Western Europe, it is so rich that it almost resists translation. Bashert means "meant to be," and also "made in heaven." It can describe a situation, as in, "It was bashert, that we were both at the same Marine Corps Birthday Ball." It can mean one's soul mate, as in, "She met her bashert at the Marine Corps Birthday Ball." You see, the ancient rabbis believed that while one is still in uteri, a heavenly voice proclaims who a fetus will marry. I imagine Holly and Gary will say that their meeting at that place with a funny name was bashert, and that it was also where they each met their bashert.

Now, with many other couples, the discussion might end there. With Holly and Gary, however, I think this will lead to discussions very early on, earlier than in many families, about the love we have for our country, about how lucky we are to have our freedoms, and how sometimes we need to go to funny sounding places to defend those freedoms.

Knowing Holly and Gary, they will probably relate all of this in a very matter of fact way. They won't make a big deal out of the fact that were part of the minute percentage of Americans who served in the military. They won't make a big deal out of the fact that they gave up some of their prime years. They won't make a big deal out of the fact that they are, well, a big deal.

Their children will understand that many in their generation owe their very existence to the fact that young men and women heeded the call to go to far places with funny names to protect our way of life. I believe that that fact alone will imbue them, and should imbue us with a sense of thanks, dedication and purpose.

Winning the Battle

Liza and Trent are really special. They exhibit how we can win the battle against our natures and make the world a better place. On Saturday (10/27) I officiated their wedding at the Petroleum Club in Houston, Texas. Here are my remarks:

The ancients were puzzled as to why the average person looks out for him or herself, first and foremost. To solve this riddle they posited forces of the mystic realm - the Devil or Original Sin in Christianity, the Evil Inclination in Judaism and the like in other faiths.

Darwin was able to offer more naturalistic explanations of the organism's struggle to survive on the evolutionary landscape. Then came Richard Dawkins to explain that it is not that whole organisms directly struggle with others, rather it is our genes themselves that drive us in their wish to replicate and survive us. He warned us too that we must each resolve to be Anti-Darwinian in our social behavior. We must rule our genes, and not the opposite. We must do what is good and right and just, not just advantageous to us. We must look out for others, and not follow our own narrow self interest.

Since this demands that we go against our nature, this is really difficult. This means we should extol those who are able to win this battle against nature. To me, Liza and Trent stand out as great examples in this regard. They really go out of their way to understand others, look out for them, and give, give, give to those around them. They do this as individuals, and help each other do this even more, as a team. As Liza says, "Trent balances me out, and gives me perspective. He reminds me that not everyone will have the same experiences as me, or have the same outlook that I do. He reminds me to be patient, and give things time." Trent in turn says that Liza, "is the one who has been able to help and touch so many people around her. Her goodness spreads with all of her acquaintances and it leaves me awe-inspired."

Liza and Trent, it is this unselfish approach towards others that makes you really stand apart. May we all learn from your example, and through that help make the world a better place.

Just like a Déjà Vu

On Friday (10/26) I officiated Jackie and Scott’s wedding at Allen House in Austin, Texas. This wedding had me reaching for my daughter’s music collection again. Check out my remarks:

One of the first things I always ask a couple is how they met, and how they fell in love. I hear so many wonderful and special stories. I have to admit that Jackie and Scott have a particularly unique love story. They met and dated in high school. Then came college, and like many high school couples they broke up. At the time some said that if it was meant to be, they would make it back into each others arms....

What a mysterious, but true thing to say. It's like a Déjà Vu was predicted here, one that eventually happened. It took not one but two more separate times over the course of the years to come, but that Déjà Vu moment of true love arrived. Scott’s mom uses the word Yiddish word bashert, which roughly translates as fate or meant to be. It reminds me of a few lines from a song called Déjà Vu, by one of my daughter's favorite singers, a Swedish artist, who goes by the moniker Velvet:

I can hear you call my name, like a flash from yesterday... We were made for one another... It's all coming back like a Déjà Vu... Once again only me and you...

What Jackie and Scott remind us is that in fact sometimes things are meant to be but not at that first moment. Sometimes, even if we are meant for each other, we still have some growing and learning we need to experience as individuals, before we can come together as one, and that is OK.

And what Jackie and Scott also remind us is that when that moment comes, when that second chance comes, we need to take decisive action to make it happen. So let us learn from Jackie and Scott the careful balance between waiting to live and learn and seizing the moment of that second chance, where we truly go all the way.

A Contemplative Couple

On Saturday (10/20) I co-officiated Amy and Ben’s wedding, at Green Pastures in Austin, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Sometimes you hear people lament the condition of marriage today. They long for the non-existent good old days, depicted in movies of the Hayes Code era, where everyone married, most married young, and all lived happily ever after. I recently re-watched Ilya Kazan's 1947 movie, "Gentlemen's Agreement". This movie shook American Society to its core in recognizing Anti-Semitism was a real problem. Still, even in this groundbreaking movie, the hero and the heroine are discussing marriage within two scenes, once they sense that their relationship is getting half serious. Do any of us really think this was ever a good or healthy thing? Though hardly any of us do, we as a society still have not fully, excuse the pun, divorced ourselves from this idyllic dream that never was.

This is where the approach of Amy and Ben, shared by many of their peers, may teach us a thing or two. Amy says, "Society has drummed up the notion that the clock is ticking, that you have to start having kids and being single after thirty is just taboo. None of those things matter to me."

So, if we understand that that is true, how do re-conceptualize marriage? Amy tells us, "I want to get married because it feels right, it makes sense and there are no reservations in working to be together with this specific person for the rest of my life." It is in this type of relationship that one can, in her words, feel, "so lucky to have" the other "each and everyday." It is in that type of relationship that, "Life really is better, together."

It is in that type of mature contemplative relationship that Ben can reflect on how well he knows Amy, and state that he wishes to marry her because he knows her to be, in his words, "Selfless, intelligent, motivated, adventurous", one he, loves "Spending time on the couch with... watching a movie with... riding a motorcycle with... and traveling the world with." It is in that type of relationship, where even the Kryptonite of the immature relationship, silence, turns into precious gold, and leads Ben to say how much he treasures a quiet evening with Amy.

Amy and Ben, with a mature and substantial relationship like yours, you are on the path to marital success. May your years together, indeed be long and many.

Effortless and Natural

On Sunday (10/7) I officiated Courtney and Mike’s wedding at Chateau Polonez in Houston, Texas. Here is what I shared with them and their guests during my personal remarks:

One of the most obvious things about Courtney and Michael is that they are really and truly best friends, not just lovers. So much so that they make their relationship look and feel natural and effortless. How do they do this?

Well, one of the things I have learned is that paradoxically it takes a lot of time and practice to make something like that look natural! Now that may sound comical, but it is true. Courtney and Michael understood this way back, and so even though they knew they were soul mates from the beginning, they took their relationship slowly step by step, tried it out in different environments, put a lot of practice into their journey together, and gave their love time to mature like a fine wine.

Of course, practice and time are not enough. You have to be practicing the right stuff. But how do you know you are? Well, I believe you have the best shot at that, when you are open to learning from each other.

Now if you know anything about Courtney and Mike, you know how much they believe in each other. You know how much they admire each other. You know how much they value each other's perspective. When you truly believe in someone, value that person's perspective and admire that person you can learn so much. When you know that this is mutual, well, you can learn even more. Indeed, with Courtney and Michael, you can see how much they have learned and continue to learn from each other every day.

Only when you are truly open to learning from each other in such a fashion, can you really grow as individuals and as a couple, and be best friends too. And again, when you really practice and give that growth time to flourish, well, it just makes all that effort look, you guessed it, effortless and natural.

So, Courtney and Michael, as you are about to take your vows, we encourage you to continue this growth, continue to be best friends, continue on this journey of happiness, the whole time making it look effortless.