A New Dream

Saturday afternoon I officiated Monica and Ben’s wedding ceremony at the River Ranch Stockyards, in Fort Worth, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Sometimes, when I look out upon the world of today, I am struck by a seeming lack of empathy. Empathy, according to that great fount of all human knowledge, Wikipedia, is "the capacity to understand or feel what another person is experiencing from within the other being's frame of reference, i.e., the capacity to place oneself in another's position." Arguably, one could place many of the problems we have encountered, from the Great Recession at home to ongoing conflicts abroad, at the doorstep of an inability or incapacity to "place oneself in another's position."

No doubt social scientists are and will continue to study why this happens in a society. In the meantime, I would like to posit a hypothesis. Perhaps, one of the reasons for this is that we, in American society, in the past few decades, have placed so much emphasis on "things" and their acquisition, that material goods have displaced some of our capacity for empathy. After all, as we are discovering in social psychology, much like your internet use, human emotions have only so much bandwidth, and if that bandwidth is taken up mostly by a love of things, it might leave less room for the love that Monica and Ben's faiths command us to have for our neighbors.

This is why spending time with Monica and Ben was reassuring to me. This is not only because in our first face to face, as opposed to FaceTime meeting, Ben showed up with a t shirt from a homelessness related charity event! (I spend most of my time on homelessness related issues, so I liked that.)  No, it is because this is emblematic of the passion this couple has for social justice, a passion that is central to their relationship, and which they put into practice.

Listen to Ben: "Monica (is) passionate, smart, funny, beautiful, and has a strong sense of purpose... Monica has made me a more kind, caring, thoughtful, and aware person. (Her) passion for social justice has helped me to better understand my privileges and how I can be a more aware and [wait for it... - DSG] empathetic person..."

Monica's choice of profession was guided by this very passion. As she says, "I’m... dedicated to teaching and working towards creating a more equitable education system in America..." (Well, you don't hear that every day!) And teachers love learning, and so she says that one of the things that attracted her to Ben (aside from his rugged good looks, of course...) was "his intelligence and his love of reading and learning..." True love of learning, implies that you are willing to, nay compelled to, ask questions, and not just settle for the way things are. So, not surprisingly, Monica observes that through Ben's love for her and for learning, he, in her words, "embraced my passions and supports my desire to make the world a more just place," and this made her love him even more.

In this, these two embrace the best of what each of their faiths has to offer. It is almost a given, that some American Catholics may have a point or two they disagree with the Church on, yet happily, especially in the last few years the Church has chosen to side with the powerless to the consternation of the powerful. And not for nothing does the old joke contend, that American Jews may live like Episcopalians, but still vote like Puerto Ricans.

Perhaps it is the very fact that Monica and Ben's generation came of age, just as we brought our world economy, obsessed with things and oblivious to people, crashing down, that they are and may continue to be, kinder to people, and less concerned with things. As we rebuild that world, some fret that they seem less eager to relive what we thought to be the American Dream. I don’t. I believe they wish to fashion a more inclusive dream. That dream seeks to enfranchise rather than disenfranchise, share rather than possess, use rather than consume.

And the empathy inherent in this new dream is just the kind conducive to a successful loving marital bond. So, Monica and Ben, continue in your relationship with each other and with the world to share, "the capacity to understand or feel what another person is experiencing from within the other being's frame of reference," and you will have it made...

Unassuming

Saturday night I officiated Lexie and David’s wedding ceremony at the Cabildo in New Orleans, Louisiana. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

When I was thinking of Alexis and David, I was reminded of a story. It was sometime in the 1950s, that Israel's founding prime minister, David Ben-Gurion, needed a new ambassador to the Soviet Union. He called upon Israel's future president, Zalman Shazar, who immediately accepted this difficult appointment. Ben Gurion warned him, "As ambassador to the Soviet Union, you need to be very quiet!" Shazar assured him this would not be a problem. Ben Gurion did not let up. "Zalman, you don't understand. As Israel's ambassador to the Soviet Union, you have to be so quiet, that the whole world hears how quiet you are!"

Now, beyond the oxymoronic humor, what is this decades old story really about, and why do I say this story reminded me of Alexis and David.

We live in a cacophonous society. Everyone is broadcasting everything 24/7. Everything is in your face, out loud and all the time. It's only natural in this environment to assume that that is where the really important work is being done.

Not so. The most important work is usually being done by rather unassuming quiet hard working folks.  Usually, they don't make a big deal out of themselves, and would be surprised if you did.

So, say if their job is to do something mind-boggling,  like make sure that multiple metal tubes flying through the sky at extremely high speeds, can do so safely, they might say, matter-of-factly, like David, that their job is just "to watch airplanes all day". That's all.

And, if they take years of their lives, and at huge expense learn how to save people, who just a few decades ago were as good as dead, they might just say, like Alexis, that they felt it was their calling to help people. It's really no big deal.

This type of quiet resilience of just doing what you are supposed to do is at the core of how Alexis and David view their connections to their faith traditions. They don't go out their and broadcast their beliefs or their questions about those beliefs. They certainly don't feel like they have to talk your ear off about them. They are totally OK with you being on a different path. In Alexis's words, they "try to lead a good, honest, ethical and compassionate lifestyle, doing good for the community and loving people." Shouldn't that be enough?

Finally, this type of quiet resilience and action over word is how they have carried out their relationship. They met through the very act of helping people as volunteer EMTs. They dated for years living apart at quite a distance. You don't hear them complaining or kvetching about that. They will just tell you how they treasured their visits with each other during that time, and how cool it will be to finally be together.

So, next time you hear about some awesome thing someone did, and the whole world needs to know about, stop. Think about David Ben Gurion's lesson, and what Alexis and David teach us. You might just learn a thing or two. In silence.

A Contemplative Couple

On Saturday (10/20) I co-officiated Amy and Ben’s wedding, at Green Pastures in Austin, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Sometimes you hear people lament the condition of marriage today. They long for the non-existent good old days, depicted in movies of the Hayes Code era, where everyone married, most married young, and all lived happily ever after. I recently re-watched Ilya Kazan's 1947 movie, "Gentlemen's Agreement". This movie shook American Society to its core in recognizing Anti-Semitism was a real problem. Still, even in this groundbreaking movie, the hero and the heroine are discussing marriage within two scenes, once they sense that their relationship is getting half serious. Do any of us really think this was ever a good or healthy thing? Though hardly any of us do, we as a society still have not fully, excuse the pun, divorced ourselves from this idyllic dream that never was.

This is where the approach of Amy and Ben, shared by many of their peers, may teach us a thing or two. Amy says, "Society has drummed up the notion that the clock is ticking, that you have to start having kids and being single after thirty is just taboo. None of those things matter to me."

So, if we understand that that is true, how do re-conceptualize marriage? Amy tells us, "I want to get married because it feels right, it makes sense and there are no reservations in working to be together with this specific person for the rest of my life." It is in this type of relationship that one can, in her words, feel, "so lucky to have" the other "each and everyday." It is in that type of relationship that, "Life really is better, together."

It is in that type of mature contemplative relationship that Ben can reflect on how well he knows Amy, and state that he wishes to marry her because he knows her to be, in his words, "Selfless, intelligent, motivated, adventurous", one he, loves "Spending time on the couch with... watching a movie with... riding a motorcycle with... and traveling the world with." It is in that type of relationship, where even the Kryptonite of the immature relationship, silence, turns into precious gold, and leads Ben to say how much he treasures a quiet evening with Amy.

Amy and Ben, with a mature and substantial relationship like yours, you are on the path to marital success. May your years together, indeed be long and many.