A New Dream

Saturday afternoon I officiated Monica and Ben’s wedding ceremony at the River Ranch Stockyards, in Fort Worth, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Sometimes, when I look out upon the world of today, I am struck by a seeming lack of empathy. Empathy, according to that great fount of all human knowledge, Wikipedia, is "the capacity to understand or feel what another person is experiencing from within the other being's frame of reference, i.e., the capacity to place oneself in another's position." Arguably, one could place many of the problems we have encountered, from the Great Recession at home to ongoing conflicts abroad, at the doorstep of an inability or incapacity to "place oneself in another's position."

No doubt social scientists are and will continue to study why this happens in a society. In the meantime, I would like to posit a hypothesis. Perhaps, one of the reasons for this is that we, in American society, in the past few decades, have placed so much emphasis on "things" and their acquisition, that material goods have displaced some of our capacity for empathy. After all, as we are discovering in social psychology, much like your internet use, human emotions have only so much bandwidth, and if that bandwidth is taken up mostly by a love of things, it might leave less room for the love that Monica and Ben's faiths command us to have for our neighbors.

This is why spending time with Monica and Ben was reassuring to me. This is not only because in our first face to face, as opposed to FaceTime meeting, Ben showed up with a t shirt from a homelessness related charity event! (I spend most of my time on homelessness related issues, so I liked that.)  No, it is because this is emblematic of the passion this couple has for social justice, a passion that is central to their relationship, and which they put into practice.

Listen to Ben: "Monica (is) passionate, smart, funny, beautiful, and has a strong sense of purpose... Monica has made me a more kind, caring, thoughtful, and aware person. (Her) passion for social justice has helped me to better understand my privileges and how I can be a more aware and [wait for it... - DSG] empathetic person..."

Monica's choice of profession was guided by this very passion. As she says, "I’m... dedicated to teaching and working towards creating a more equitable education system in America..." (Well, you don't hear that every day!) And teachers love learning, and so she says that one of the things that attracted her to Ben (aside from his rugged good looks, of course...) was "his intelligence and his love of reading and learning..." True love of learning, implies that you are willing to, nay compelled to, ask questions, and not just settle for the way things are. So, not surprisingly, Monica observes that through Ben's love for her and for learning, he, in her words, "embraced my passions and supports my desire to make the world a more just place," and this made her love him even more.

In this, these two embrace the best of what each of their faiths has to offer. It is almost a given, that some American Catholics may have a point or two they disagree with the Church on, yet happily, especially in the last few years the Church has chosen to side with the powerless to the consternation of the powerful. And not for nothing does the old joke contend, that American Jews may live like Episcopalians, but still vote like Puerto Ricans.

Perhaps it is the very fact that Monica and Ben's generation came of age, just as we brought our world economy, obsessed with things and oblivious to people, crashing down, that they are and may continue to be, kinder to people, and less concerned with things. As we rebuild that world, some fret that they seem less eager to relive what we thought to be the American Dream. I don’t. I believe they wish to fashion a more inclusive dream. That dream seeks to enfranchise rather than disenfranchise, share rather than possess, use rather than consume.

And the empathy inherent in this new dream is just the kind conducive to a successful loving marital bond. So, Monica and Ben, continue in your relationship with each other and with the world to share, "the capacity to understand or feel what another person is experiencing from within the other being's frame of reference," and you will have it made...

Puzzle Pieces Fall into Place

Saturday evening I officiated Allison and Reed’s wedding ceremony at The Orion Ballroom in Dallas, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

One of the things that really impressed me about Allison and Reed, as individuals and as a couple, is that they are really solid, down to earth people, but at the same time, really deep. I had some really profound discussions with them, from which I feel I learned a lot. And when I sat down to write these remarks, I was reminded of a really deep song by the Waterboys, “The Whole of the Moon”. Allow me to quote a few lines:

 

I pictured a rainbow

You held it in your hands
I had flashes
But you saw the plan…
I was grounded
While you filled the skies…
I spoke about wings
You just flew
I wondered, I guessed and I tried
You just knew…
Yes, you climbed on the ladder
With the wind in your sails
You came like a comet
Blazing your trail…
I saw the crescent
You saw the whole of the moon
The whole of the moon

Nobody is really sure what Mike Scott, the Waterboys’ lead singer, meant when he wrote this song. Is he talking about a lover? It is quite possible to interpret the song this way. Many of us, when we find that someone, that fills our skies, might say something like Reed does, in answering the question of why he wishes to wed Allison now. He says that she is the missing piece to his puzzle. With her the crescent, becomes the whole of the moon. She changes the very shape of his existence. Going on 16 years now, every rainbow he has pictured, she has held in her hand, and only together, soaring over it, has he felt he could truly take flight.

Allison, by the way, answers this question, as to why she desires to wed Reed now, a little more practically, ”Because it’s been 16 years... Homeboy took his sweet time...” Now humor aside, there is great truth here. For many, if not most of us, there is a degree of gambling or at least making an educated guess, when we marry. To be blunt, how do I know that simply because I love the you of today, I will love the you of tomorrow? We hope that through seeing the crescent, we know what the rest of the moon looks like. For these two, however, no guessing or gambling is needed. They have been together, through thick and thin. They have seen in each other the whole of the moon.

Now, some speculate, that Mike Scott is, actually, talking about himself at different phases of life. And he is not saying there was anything wrong or deficient at the crescent phase. Most of the time when we draw a moon, we draw a crescent. The crescent is beautiful. It too lights in the midnight sky. Indeed, most couples who, like Allison and Reed, meet in college, get married in their twenties, when as individuals they are still in that crescent phase. As individuals, they each have yet to uncover who they really are. Not Allison and Reed, though. They have the privilege that few of us have, to meet each other each in their own individual crescent phase, and while together, to each grow into their own, patiently waiting for their individual puzzle pieces to fall into place, until they each could clearly see the whole of the moon in their individual lives.

The truth is we don’t know, nor does it matter, what Mike Scott meant, but I choose to believe both interpretations as valid, and in Allison and Reed, I see both. Indeed, their words about each other, individually and as a couple, make this well evident. As Allison says, in a sentiment mutually shared, “He is the one who motivates me to make changes, be who I really want to be… He stands by my side and always has my back... He always goes for what he wants, regardless of how hard it might be… We laugh at each other. [We are] sometimes stubborn and hard headed… but in the end - my life is with him. At the end of each day, he’s always the last one I want to see.”

It is No Dream

On Monday I officiated Lillian and Yaniv's wedding ceremony at a villa in Malaga, Spain. Here are the remarks I shared with their guests from across the globe:

If you ever visit Mount Rushmore in Wyoming, you will see the faces of four presidents carved into the mountain. Only one of them lived into the 20th Century, Theodore Roosevelt. His daughter, Alice, the Kim Kardashian of her day, if Kim had brains and wit, in addition to her other, ahem, assets, knew her father better than most. She said of him, that he was the bride at every wedding, the corpse at every funeral...

I am always conscious of Alice's witty criticism, and if I have one absolute, it is that the wedding is about the couple. So, I am always hesitant to talk about myself, because honestly who cares? It is only when I have a personal story that can help flesh out something about the couple that I include it.

Like Yaniv, I grew up in Israel, and I spent my high school years in Jerusalem. In tenth grade, pretty much on a whim, I competed in my high school's Bible contest, the first stage of the International Bible Contest, and won. That meant I advanced to the district level contest.

Now those from Israel know what the contest is, but for the non-Israelis, you need to understand what a big deal it is. The final stage, the international contest itself involves youth from all over the world, and is broadcast on live TV, on Israel Independence Day. Everyone watches it, and the final question is asked by the Prime Minister, who speaks at the event, and who personally hands the first place award to the winner.

I had very little idea what I was doing, once I got to the district level. And Jerusalem was the most competitive district, but I studied as best I could. When the morning of the competition came, I got on the bus, and headed downtown. On the bus, a song written by the great Naomi Shemer, Israel's greatest song writer, and performed by the great, Yehoram Gaon, started to play. The name of the song is best translated, "You will not beat me", but not beat in the sense of hit, rather in the sense of winning a struggle, a game or, yes, a contest. The chorus is, "You won't beat me, I can't be beat that fast!" It is not clear who the singer is talking to. Is it a specific rival, is it the enemies of Israel, is it just life's circumstances? I sense it might be all three. Regardless, I felt like Gaon was talking to me.

I got off the bus, participated in the contest, and took third place. I advanced to the national level, where I took sixth place, so I did not make it to the international contest. That day, I decided that in eleventh grade, I would advance to the international level and win it, I mapped out a strategy, and started a learning regimen the next day.

To make a long story short, I failed... I only got second place in the world! I remained involved with the contest. Two years later a young lady I knew took second place, which is good, because she might not have dated me if she had won... Two years later, we were married. Twenty-three years later still, we are still going strong. So, I got the grand prize, after all.

I was reminded of this personal narrative, because if you know anything about Lillian and Yaniv, you know that they are resilient. You know that they have had their struggles along the way. They don't shy away from them. As Yaniv states simply, "We are two adults, both... with kids, going through life's struggles." And Lillian says, in words I feel Yaniv might say too, "I do not take commitments lightly... When I want to do something... I do it without hesitation."

Both Lillian and Yaniv understand that in order to be successful, to come out of your struggle the better for it, you have to be willing to learn. And so, learning has been a large part of their lives. As Yaniv says, "I always liked learning and kept an open mind." And Lillian's learning and her exploration, specifically, of her spirituality was so rigorous, it is almost unmatched. As she says, "I've been actively exploring religion for as long as I can remember. I asked for a bible when I was six... In kindergarten I explored local Protestant churches... I spent a fair amount of time in Catholic Church... I read copious amounts of literature on as many world religions as I could... You name it; I've probably considered it to varying degrees."

Most importantly, they have tried to learn from their struggles, and they have used this learning to better themselves. They have not only not let themselves be beat by their circumstances; they have forged their struggles into tools for self-improvement. In this they have developed an understanding vital to life: It is all about the journey, not the destination.

And together, they have embarked on a journey, guided by their mutual love, and informed by our ancient faith, in which Lillian found that spiritual home she had been searching for all these years. Yaniv puts it beautifully, when he says, "My love for Lillian is on a steady growth curve and I am honored that she has chosen me to be her partner in this life journey."

And this life journey led them to this day, to share that journey they are on together, with you. As they state, "Sharing a religion... its practices, and... symbolism... meant that we also wanted to share the symbolism of marriage... before our families and God by a purposeful act."

It also led them specifically to this place. They are mindful not only of their personal journey, but that of our people too. We have flourished in, and had to leave many lands behind, with the most memorable departure the one from this land. This eventually led to our people finding their way to promised lands across the ocean, and later back to THE Promised Land across the sea. And eventually, when this land embraced democracy, they also welcomed our people back. And our people survived long enough to be welcomed back, because we constantly kept in mind the spirit of Naomi Shemer's words. To our circumstances and our enemies, we said, "We will overcome and we will win."

And we managed to do that, because we never stopped dreaming of a better day, a brighter future. Israel is the only country that reveres a secular saint, who we call the Seer of the State, another giant named Theodore, whose face may not be etched into a mountain, but whose presence all Israelis feel, Theodore Herzl. In fact, on that bus ride I described, we drove by the mountain named for him, and on which he is entombed, mere steps away from my high school. Herzl, who organized the Zionist movement in the late 1800s, which led to the founding of the state, envisioned it 50 years before anyone could, and was thought a fool for it. He insisted that all you needed was will, and said, in his native German, “Wenn ihr wollt, ist es kein Märchen,” "If you will it, it is no dream."

Yaniv sounds a little like Herzl, speaking of our people, when he speaks of his and Lillian's journey, "We have created so many memories together that these days... (we) have (much to) dream about. I am looking forward to our future together and to the happiness it will bring to us."

Fresh as a Summer Breeze

Saturday evening, I officiated Ledi and Mark’s wedding at The Adolphus in Dallas, Texas. I love reciting the Priestly Blessing in different languages. This time I got to recite it in Albanian, in Ledi’s family’s honor. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

When I think of Ledi and Mark and their love story, I can’t help but feel excited. There is an energy, an excitement, a vitality that these two exude, when you interact with them as a couple. Just listen to Ledi’s telling of their story from the very beginning, “I looked over, and I thought, ‘Wow, he’s cute!’” and she adds, “From day one, I had a crush on him. I had a feeling in my gut that he was special.” And listen to Mark’s description of his first feelings, “I remember how beautiful she was. I had never seen someone who in my mind had such perfection. She was funny, outgoing, kind, AND cool! To be honest, I thought she was out of my league.”

Now, being a child of the 80s, I when I read what they wrote, I could not help but think of Kool and the Gang’s most well-known song, “Fresh”, where they sing:

Conversation is going 'round

People talking 'bout the girl who's come to town
Lovely lady (which Kool pronounces – I am not making this up – Ledi!), pretty as can be
No one knows her name she's just a mystery
… She's a lady, one I really want to know
Somehow I've got to let my feeling show
She's fresh, exciting
She's so exciting to me…
Tell you something I really can't hide
Heaven must have sent you to be by my side…
Fresh as a summer breeze
She'll take you by surprise
She means so much to me
I'll do whatever to make her mine

Now, do NOT watch the music video of the song (https://youtu.be/sTJ1XwGDcA4) if you are not sitting down, if you are not sitting down. It is such an odd retelling of the Cinderella story that it will cause your head to spin. And those 80s outfits went out of style for a reason!
 

 

Now, Cinderella is a fairy tale, and that term is sometimes a synonym for unreal or make believe. Not so in Ledi and Mark’s connection. These are deep people, with a profound ability for self-reflection, and they take this ability to their mutual life together. Their descriptions of their feelings for each other, and their appreciation of what this relationship has brought them as individuals and as a couple, sound spiritual.

Mark says, “We connected with such strength and on a level neither of us had ever experienced before. It was and continues to this day to be a very special connection. It has not withered. The honeymoon phase has not ended. We continue to grow with each other every single day. We have ups, we have downs, but it doesn't matter. We have each other. I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude for every moment we share.”

And Ledi says, “I want to marry Mark because he is truly my best friend, he is so thoughtful, he is caring, he is smart, he is handsome, he is my other half. He is every girl’s dream and more. He is truly a blessing and I really am the luckiest woman in the world to have a man care so much for me.” Wow. It sounds like this love story is what Kool and the Gang call in their song, Stone Love, “Solid like a rock…”

Hold Them by the Hand

Saturday evening, Father Milt Raybould and I co-officiated Ali and Bob’s wedding at The Milestone in Krum, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Something Bob said about Ali reminded me of a story from the Hebrew Bible that I have been thinking about a lot lately. Here is what he said: "I love Alison… because she respects and loves me so much that even though we differ in our spirituality and faith beliefs, she loves me for who I am and doesn’t allow that to get in the way of what we share."

That reminded me of this story from Genesis: Abraham's eldest son, Ishmael, and Ishmael's mother, Hagar, wander through the desert. In the absence of water, they are dying of thirst, and have given up hope. Suddenly, just as all seems lost, an angel appears to Hagar, and says: "Fear not, for God has heeded the cry of the boy, where he is. Come, lift up the boy and hold him by the hand... Then God opened her eyes, and she saw a well of water. She... let the boy drink." (JPS Translation of Genesis 21/17-19)

What does this mean, and how does it relate to what Bob says? We should not deal with people from our vantage point, from where we are, from the standpoint of our personal view or judgmental standard of what should be. We must deal with each person, non-judgmentally, where he or she is. And that is what Bob is talking about, and that is how Ali and Bob consistently treat each other.

However, that is not where the lesson of the story of Ishmael or the lesson of the story of Ali and Bob ends. In the story Hagar is told to lift Ishmael up, and to hold him by the hand. It is important, whatever you may, to make sure you are lifting people up and holding them by the hand. This can take on different forms, for each of us is different in what we bring to the world.

Ali and Bob embody this in their lives. Bob spends his days, sometimes literally, always figuratively, holding children by the hand, as he helps them on their journeys. Ali creates amazing personalized pieces of art, rich with meaning, that lift people up.

So, let's learn from these two. Let us resolve to lift each other up, to hold our fellow person's hand on their journey. A special thing can happen when we commit to this. We find it is our hand that is being held too, and our spirit, it too is lifted up, higher than we could ever have hoped for, on our own. 

I Am That Someone

Sunday midday, Reverend Ken Savage and I co-officiated Tori and Alex's wedding ceremony at The Chapel at Ana Villa, in The Colony, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

I love stories, particularly origin stories. There seems to be a very human need to tell origin stories, so much so, that many times, like Washington and the cherry tree, or any number of other presidents being born in a log cabin, if they didn't really happen, we just make believe they did... Speaking of made up, don't even get me started on religious origin stories, where I could really get in trouble...

So, when an origin story is not only memorable, but also true, that makes it extra special. Like this couple's origin story. Listen first to Alex: "I met Victoria when I was a freshman in college. We both stayed in the same residence hall, Bruce Hall, and the residence hall staff always put together a program that allowed students to meet each other. The program was called 'Pajamarama,' and it usually had a very high attendance rate, so meeting new people was definitely probable. The program was a combination of musical chairs and "Never Have I Ever" where players would talk about common interests and swap seats with other players. As the game progressed, the comments became more in-depth and personal. During those moments, a beautiful woman in a lion onesie walked into the middle of the circle and said quietly, "My name is Tori, and I want someone to love me for me." In that moment, I ran up and gave her a hug. It was short hug, but it made such an impact on me. So much that I knew that I wanted to get to know her, be with her, and ultimately spend the rest of my life with her."

Wow.

Now listen to Tori for further clarification on why she said what she said. She begins with a sentiment many of us have felt at a new school, certainly at the very beginning of college: "I was not in the best state of mind.... At one point, I got up to the center, and before this, I was feeling distraught. I stood there and said, 'My name is Tori and I wish I could find someone who loved me for me.' The first person to get up and hug me was Alex who told me that, 'Someday I would find someone.' Ironically enough it is him."

OK, I am not sure that is the proper use of irony, as a literary term, but who cares. That is one cool story!

The thing is, it is not just a cool and memorable true story; it is rich with meaning. If you think about it, what Tori says is really a universal truth, that lies at the core of every soul. We are all different, but at a very deep level, we all desire two things: the ability to live authentically, and to be loved.

Now, the fact is that sometimes, and maybe often, these two things are in conflict. If you are 100% authentic 100% of the time, your, shall we say, fan base, is limited. Just ask your average film or food critic. And, if your goal is to be loved by 100% of the people 100% of the time, your life is probably pretty bland. Just ask Queen Elizabeth. Or, actually, don't. She is not allowed to tell you what she really thinks. So, in fact we settle. We make accommodations, living our lives, as authentically as possible, while still getting along with as many people as possible.

However, once again, in the back of our minds, and at the core of our spirits, we need there be a person, who we can be authentic with, and still find perfect love with. We each need to be able to say, "My name is Tori and I wish I could find someone who loved me for me," and know that there is that someone who will, without irony or hesitation, just give us a strong hug, and say, "I am that someone," which is what Tori and Alex say to each other today.

Praying with Their Feet

Friday night, I officiated Romy and Tim's wedding ceremony, at Shirley Acres, in Houston, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

I was reflecting on Romy and Tim's love story, which, of course, because we are in Tejas, began with Tacos. (Sorry, Patricia and Oscar, it was not empanadas...) The stories they told about each other, the way they held hands, even their body language, it all got me thinking about a fascinating idea from Genesis (the book, not the band...)

The first creation story in Genesis tells us that the human was created in the Image of God. Now, that sounds good, but especially if the God of the Hebrew Bible is non-corporeal, what does it really mean? My father, Dr. Mayer Gruber, a noted scholar of the Bible and Ancient Near East, explained about thirteen years ago, that this must be understood in the context of a forgotten practice of a few ancient monarchs. These men, seeking the constant protection of their deities, would erect statues or images of themselves in worship, and place them in temples before these deities. That way, even when they were busy, be it with the affairs of state, or entirely personal matters, they could still be seen as being present in the temple in worship.

In that context, when the author of the first creation story uses this language, he is purposefully referring to and reversing this dynamic. The God of Genesis has no desire for idle statues or images of worshippers standing in temples. Instead, He places countless images of himself, i.e. you, me and every one of us, out in the world. And the task he gives these images is to never stand idly. Rather, we are to go out, and act like He would in the world. In essence, He asks us to, in the words of my father's teacher, Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel, after marching with Dr. King in Selma, "to pray with our feet."

Listen to how Tim describes how Romy has prayed with her feet, with her actions, with her patience, in building a relationship with him: "Being a single dad for this long I have gotten very stuck in my ways. I want to do things how I want them and I am very protective of Jonah (both physically and emotionally). I just had some very big walls built up around both Jonah and myself. Gradually, and patiently, and tenderly, one brick at a time, Romy has helped me to tear them down and let her love both of us. It is funny how time and love can change things...”

And Romy recognized how profoundly impressive Tim was in how he led his life, working hard and caring for others, stepping up to the plate, not only when others would not, but even in instances, where no would have blamed him if he did not. Tim just kept on silently, resolutely, without fanfare, doing what needed be done, praying with his feet. "What I really liked about Tim," she says, "was that he is a down to earth type of guy... friendly, caring, a gentleman and polite. (However the) one thing I liked the most, was how he was family oriented and how he was involved in Jonah’s (life)."

Romy and Tim, continue to live your lives just this way, continue to reflect the Image of God, as reflected in Genesis, and your bond will be unbreakable.