Sacred and Set Apart

Saturday evening (5/9) I officiated Barbara and Sagi’s wedding ceremony at the Rosewood Mansion on Turtle Creek in Dallas, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

The essence of a Jewish wedding is the giving of the ring. In just a few moments, Sagi will put a ring on Barbara's finger, and say harei aht mikoodeshet lee, behold you are consecrated to me.

Now, every word in Hebrew has a root, with various additions to the root making up different connotations and meanings of that root. The root of the word mikoodeshet, is commonly translated as "to make holy", "to make sacred", "to consecrate". However, when we take a deeper more precise look, we discover that really the meaning of this root is "to set apart". In fact, because of this, it may be used to describe BOTH the holy, as well as the profane. Even though they are opposites, both are set apart.

The various meanings of this word are really apt in describing Barbara and Sagi's unique relationship. Barbara says, "This is not just a formality for me. The ceremony and our marriage will be sacred." Sagi says, "I take nothing for granted and I want to consecrate our love with this ceremony." The point they are making is that these are not only words; this is not just a ceremony. Their relationship is sacred, their love is consecrated.

Why do they feel this way? This relationship is set apart; this relationship is different. As Barbara says, "This was not the way I was before... I never imagined that I would one day have a ceremony and wear a white dress. Sagi has changed my heart, that’s the only way I can explain it." Sagi states that meeting Barbara he, "knew it was a once in a lifetime thing." He says that, "Looking at the past... I was always just with one foot in previous relationships... Now with Barbara... I’m all the way in..."

What Barbara and Sagi illustrate in this is that a marriage CAN just mean that this person is set aside from all other people. This legalistic act CAN be just that and no more. Ironically, it can be anything but sacred.

But then, there is that other level, where marriage CAN be something ineffable, CAN be something transcendent. This type of marriage is truly set apart.  IT is sacred, IT is consecrated. With it, life itself can be too. THIS is what Barbara and Sagi have. We should all be so lucky.

Jazzed Up - Lessons for Interfaith Marriage from the Soul of the Crescent City

Karin and Barry are wrapped in Barry's tallit (prayer shawl)
to receive the Priestly Blessing

I have written before about my love for  New Orleans, and this is a love I share with many people. I consider myself very fortunate to live in Dallas, where I am just a short flight away from the Crescent City. New Orleans just has a special magic that engages all of the senses. Every year I have a few couples who choose New Orleans as an in-country destination wedding location. A recent couple, Karin and Barry, inspired me to take a new look at New Orleans, in a way that connects the soul of the city to what I do, marry interfaith couples.    

Couples have different reasons for the dates and locations of their weddings. Having officiated over 260 weddings so far, I have probably heard more unique reasons than the average person. However, one of the most special and meaningful discussions I have had about this point with a couple was the first conversation I had with Karin and Barry.

Karin and Barry’s reason for marrying in New Orleans in the last week of April was not just their love for New Orleans, but their love of Jazz, and specifically their love affair with the annual New Orleans Jazz and Heritage Festival. They wanted their guests to enjoy this festival, which they attend religiously. Barry even jokes that Karin actually put a good old-fashioned New Orleans voodoo spell on him the previous year during the festival, to get him to propose! Propose he did in an old New Orleans shop, and here they were again to seal the deal…

What is the essence of Jazz? As the Jazz musician and scholar, Paul Hofmann, writes, Jazz has two characteristics that stand out, its swing beat and its improvisation. What is the swing beat? As another Jazz musician and scholar, Peter Brewer, points out, most music previous to jazz has a straight beat, which divides each single beat into groups of two, like this (read this out loud): 1 and 2 and 3 and 4, 1 and 2 and 3 and 4. Jazz however is based on groups of 3, like this (read this out loud, and snap your fingers): 1 and a 2 and a 3 and a 4, 1 and a 2 and a 3 and a 4.

Now, if you know anything about Jazz, you know that improvisation is not just a characteristic of Jazz; it is the very soul of Jazz. If a classical musician plays what is on the page, for the Jazz musician the page, if there even is one, is just the start. It’s not that there are no rules; it’s just that the rules are much less stringent. The main thing is to let the music flow, and really get into the groove.

There are some great lessons here for marriage. As I have written elsewhere, every marriage is an intermarriage; we each come from different families, and grow up with different sets of experiences. Interfaith marriage just involves one more difference between two people. Now, marriage might seem to involve the joining of these two; two getting into one straight beat. However, when you look a little closer, you see that much like Jazz, a harmonious marriage dances best to the swing beat. There are three beings that must be cultivated, the two partners, and the marriage itself. It is a third entity, which must be carefully nurtured by two people, working together as one in a loving relationship. And, if you know anything about marriage, you know that improvisation has to be its very soul. If there is a page, it can only be the start. It’s not that there are no rules; it’s just that the rules are much less stringent. The main thing is to let the relationship flow, and really get into the groove.

So, next time you hear some great Jazz in New Orleans, be it during the New Orleans Jazz & Heritage Festival or not, remember these lessons for your own life and love. Dance to the swing beat, don’t be afraid to improvise, and let yourself get into the groove. That is the way to live life to the fullest. Just ask Karin and Barry, and if you’re there in late April, you can ask them in person…

Copyright 2015 – Rabbi David S. Gruber – All Rights Reserved

Fulfill Your Dreams

Sunday evening I officiated Ashley and Chris’s wedding ceremony at the Dallas Arboretum in Dallas, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Ashley and Chris will always be Texans at heart, (Ashley maybe more so than Chris…) but today they live in a town with a name that could only exist in one state – Studio City. If you are still not sure what state I mean, consider what a French friend of mine once said about it (in my best imitation of a French accent), “That state is like granola; you take out the nuts and the fruit and you’re left with the flakes...” Yes, California. It is probably one of the only states that folks all over the U.S. and indeed folks the world over migrate to, to fulfill their dreams. How many of them are successful? That is difficult to say, since different people define success differently. However, by all objective measures, you would have to say that this couple is one of them.

Now, interestingly, if you think about it, marriage is a little like California. The very idea of two people becoming one, you have to admit is a little nutty! Yet it is a “place” we go to fulfill our dreams. And, yes, some are successful, some less, and the very definition of success can differ, because every couple is different. And yet, once again, examine Ashley and Chris’ relationship, and you know they have it made.

So what is it? What do they have that makes them successful? Well, in marriage as in Hollywood, partially, it is just luck. Any honest Hollywood star will tell you that. Ashley switched schools in 6th grade, and ended up in the same school as this lucky guy. Chris and Ashley went on to attend high school and college at UT, and eventually moved in together. Here is how she describes that experience, which for many women can be very stressful, because – how do I say this kindly – most men are animals: “Chris was the perfect roommate. He’s so clean, picks up after himself, and even does the dishes!” Lucky girl! Also, not to be too superficial, but I can’t be the only one who meets these two, and says, wow what a stunningly good looking couples! Talk about winning the lottery!

However, luck only plays a small part, in marriage as in Hollywood. You need to work hard to take advantage of your lucky break when it actually comes. You need to be persistent. And this is a quality that both Ashley and Chris have in spades. After all, they each waited for each other. They met in 7th grade, and Chris fell in love, and knew at that moment he would marry this girl. It would just take him a while… a very long while. Chris was persistent, and in 12th grade Ashley succumbed to his charms. Years later, the shoe was somewhat on the other foot. Ashley was ready to get married, and Chris, like most guys, needed a little time to catch up. Ashley was persistent, and Chris succumbed to her charms.

Now, luck and persistence are important, but if you know Ashley and Chris, you know that that what really makes them “tick” as a couple is the essence of their relationship. The essence of their relationship is the very craft of love and caring for each other, which they have worked hard to nurture and grow for ten years, and which they continue to tend to every day. This essence, which they are passionate about, coupled with their persistence, and a tiny bit of luck, is what brought them here today to this very special moment. That is how, Chris in Ashley’s words, “knows how to make (her) laugh, feel better when (she) is upset, and the little things that will make (her) happy.” This is why, in Chris’ words, Ashley’s “smiling face” is the “best part of (his) day”, and why he “couldn’t imagine life without her.” 

Always Crazy… Wouldn’t Have It Any Other Way

Saturday evening I officiated Lauren and Ryan’s wedding ceremony at The Joule in Dallas, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

I heard a comedian recently recount how he got out of going to the ballet. (I can see the guys here paying more attention now...) What he did might surprise you. Rather than saying he did not want to go to the ballet, and getting into a confrontation, he actually doubled down, "The ballet? I love the ballet! Me and my ex - that was our thing!" After a moment or two of silence, his girlfriend said, "Screw the ballet! Let's stay home and watch a movie..."

This short story highlights two issues that make for the bread and butter of both comedy and therapy, recognizing the differences between partners and the challenges we have communicating them and about them.

This is unfortunate, since it does need to be so. I mean, listen to what Lauren says about meeting Ryan: "We clicked instantly, and have been together ever since. Ryan is such a kind-soul and is an amazing person as well as partner." And Ryan doesn't hold back either: "She is the most thoughtful person that I know, and would do just about anything for me." With those kinds of statements screw the ballet, right?!

The thing is that many couples allow these very types of differences to overshadow their love. Not Lauren and Ryan. Listen to Ryan: "Oddly enough, Lauren and I... really don't share any major interests that I can think of.  Although it can be frustrating sometimes, I think that in many ways, it's a good thing. It gives us an opportunity to be individuals, and we don't feel forced to hesitantly get into something that we honestly don't care about, just to appease one another."

Isn't that cool? So, HOW do they do it?  Well, it goes back to that second issue - communication. Lauren and Ryan are tremendously open with each other, and they communicate their differences and about their differences. That is how and why Ryan can state what is mutually true about their acceptance of each other, "She allows me to be me, and she accepts me that way."

It is this acceptance that promises, in Ryan's words, that, "There is nothing that either of us could do to change the love that we have for one another. " It is this communication that allows Lauren to say, "Things are always crazy in our lives, but I really wouldn’t have it any other way!"

Pure Bliss and Hard Work

Yesterday I officiated Ashley and Bobby’s wedding ceremony at Ma Maison in Dripping Springs, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

 

We like to think that each of us controls everything we do, yet the more scientists learn about human behavior, the clearer it becomes that what we actually control is a lot less than we think. One specific fact is striking – about 40% of what we do, we don’t even think about. It is basically done by force of habit, almost automatically. This is one of the reasons change is so difficult. In fact, scientists tell us that changing a habit, or forming a new habit, often involves an actual “rewiring” of neurons in our brains.

Now, of course, not all habits are difficult to adopt. In fact, some habits I could get you to adopt in no time. Say, for instance, I suggested that you eat a handcrafted Belgian chocolate bar every day. I can get you to adopt that habit really quickly. Good luck; you can thank me later. On the other hand, if the habit you are trying to form is more challenging, like exercising, eating right, sleeping enough, it will probably take a little longer to help you with that. And really at the end of the day, it is only you who can help yourself, and only if you keep working at it, probably forever.

Now, the interesting thing about a long-term marriage, is that it involves each person changing and adopting new habits to suit this new arrangement, where two become one. This is the part usually left out of romantic comedies in Hollywood on the one hand, and fairy tales on the other hand.  These genres make you think that marriage is all Belgian chocolate. However, the truth about marriage is that it is part Belgian chocolate, and part exercise and eating right, if you will indulge my metaphor. It is part pure bliss and part hard work. And this can vary by time and vary by place and vary by situation. To complicate things more, sometimes it feels like Belgian chocolate to you and not so much to your partner and sometimes vice versa.

The really cool thing about Ashley and Bobby is that both of them live this idea in their lives as individuals and as a couple. They do it quietly and without fan fair, but you know that they really get this profound idea. This is what Ashley means when she says that Bobby's personality is the perfect complement to hers. This is what is at the core of her statement that they are soul mates building something together. This is what Bobby means when he talks about the development of their relationship: "The more we spent time together, the more we found out how much we cared about each other. Eventual care became love and we began discussing the future. We spent a lot of time talking about timing and what we expected to find in a life partner."

 

The thing is, that the more you think about it, the things that really matter in life, the truest treasures we can find, do involve that mixture of immense pure bliss and really hard work. (That is, if you're doing them right!) And when you dig a little deeper you find that the most immense bliss is intertwined with and inseparable from the hard work, so much so that, like alchemy, it turns the hard work into bliss. That is what makes the ideal romantic relationship really wonderful. As Bobby puts it, "We are both excited about starting a new life together and eventually welcoming a family to this world. So far things have been fun and challenging, everything you would expect from a loving relationship."

You Just Need to Hold On

Though Monica and Al are a fairly young couple, their stories stretch back into what seems like a period lost in the mists of time. They were both born in countries who during their very lifetimes went from being Communist dictatorships to being thriving democracies. Under those totalitarian overlords, many families gave up their cultural and religious heritages. Not Monica and Al's families, though; they held on.

Their moms arrived in this country, a new and foreign land. It was not easy. It was challenging. Not everyone who followed their path succeeded. But those moms held on.

Perhaps it is this spirit that planted the seeds in Monica and Al, that would make each of them strong, resilient and adept at overcoming challenges that could easily phase others. Perhaps, this is how in different areas of their lives, they held on.

This spirit is exemplified in how they have conducted themselves professionally. Each of them has seen professional life as not a destination to arrive at, but a journey to travel on. They have not been afraid to evaluate and reevaluate, to set off on well reasoned courses, and to course-correct. Through this, not only have they not fallen behind; they have found greater success and satisfaction, than other more timid souls might have. They have held on.

What Monica and Al remind us with their story, is that if you stick to it, if you work hard, if you are flexible and willing to adapt, if you resolutely hold on, you can reach the "happily ever after." You just need to hold on.

The Beginning of a Journey

Saturday evening I officiated Rhiannon and Andrew's wedding at the beautiful historic Bingham House in McKinney, Texas. Here are the words I shared with them and their guests:

I ask every couple a number of questions, two of which no one else can really ask without seeming judgmental, "Why do you want to get married, and why now?" Andrew's was rather straightforward: "Just being with her makes my life better... She makes me strive for more and do more... I want to marry her because I can’t imagine life without her... She is my rock when I need it. I have found someone perfect for me and I can see spending the rest of my life with her... It is the only thing certain to me in this world. I love her truly and forever. I want to marry her now because I do not ever want to take the chance of losing her because of how much I love her..."

Wow! There goes any chance of Rhiannon not messing up her makeup...

Now, Rhiannon actually says that though few couples might face the two questions I opened with, they do: "When people find out that we're engaged they usually say, 'You're both so young,' or 'You still have growing up to do.' "

Sheesh, and people say Texans can't be direct!

I like her answer, which is kind of inherent in what Andrew said: "Yes we are young, but I think that if you're lucky enough to find someone you love so deeply, can't imagine being without them for even a day, and you make each other better people, why keep searching for something that might compare or isn't out there? Life is too short."

Well, you gotta admit, that just makes good sense, doesn't it? I mean, very few people would reject a winning lottery ticket, because they were too young, right? To Rhiannon and Andrew, it's kind of simple: They have the winning ticket, and they are here to cash it in! Where is the cartoon size cardboard fake check?!

Now, we do hear about lottery ticket winners that go a little crazy, but I don't think we need to worry about these two. How do I know? Well, it goes back to what I started with: these kids understand the most important ingredient in a rewarding marriage, and dare I say a rewarding life. They understand that the journey of learning and growing does not end here. It continues unabated. Here's Rhiannon again, echoing what I quoted from Andrew before: "Although we still have much to learn, we help each other learn. Even though I was completely dumbfounded when he asked me how to put the Swiffer pad onto the Swiffer...  (the women here are genuinely laughing; the men are making a mental note to search for an explanatory video on YouTube...) I was able to help him learn something. He's always teaching... me something." 

And the best kind of learning is the learning this couple captures, and puts so well into words, learning that helps them become better adults, but encourages them to indulge their inner children. Wow, maybe, just maybe that is just what Bogie meant, when he said, "Here's lookin' at you, kid..."