Strong Values

On Saturday, October 5, 2024, I officiated Hannah and Ben’s wedding ceremony at Cliff House in Dallas, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Sometimes these just kind of write themselves, with the lessons the bride and groom teach us well articulated in their own words. This is one of those times. 

Ben says: “I knew that my ideal partner would need to be independent and trusting in me and our relationship. Hannah is all of those things and more. She is an incredibly intelligent, funny, goofy, hardworking, loving, loyal, and passionate person. 

Our relationship is built on trust, and she is secure enough in our relationship and herself that she doesn’t always feel obligated to participate in things with me. Our relationship is both of us, as separate and independent individuals, choosing to combine and build a life together. 

I know that she will be an excellent mother to our children and an amazing life partner to spend the rest of my days with.”

Hannah says: “I desire to marry Ben because we have similar values. We are both traditional in many ways and hold our family and friends as a major priority in our lives. We have built a fantastic community of love surrounding us and share a similar sense of humor. We have a reservoir of silly inside jokes and jabs. 

I know I can rely on him to make decisions for us while considering my input. I trust him to take care of me and my family as well as loving them as if they are his own. Ben is so incredibly intelligent and kind. 

I love listening to him when he is passionate about a new idea. I may have no idea what he is talking about, but I can’t help but smile as he tells me all about it. 

I know he will protect our family and if something happened to me, he would be able to raise our future children in a loving home with strong values.”

Hannah and Ben, thank you for such clear well-articulated lessons. May you live those lessons in your individual lives, as a couple, and as future parents, for many years to come.

A Life-Long Adventure

On Tuesday, June 25, 2024, Don Maurizio Ormas and I co-officiated Micol and Federico’s wedding ceremony in Italian at Castelo Del Pozzo, outside Milan, Italy. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

One of the fascinating things about Micol and Federico is that the interfaith nature of their lives does not begin with them. They both have Christians and Jews in their families. Thus, it was natural for Micol’s family to mark Christmas, when she was growing up. 

Incidentally, I believe that every Jew should mark Christmas, as it celebrates a unique occurrence in Jewish history: the birth of the only Jewish boy who ever lived up to his mother’s expectations…

Seriously, though, one thing that really stands out about Micol and Federico is their deep sense of connection to their past. We often think of community in what one might call a horizontal sense, those we connect with today. However, community also has a vertical sense, our connections with our families and ancestors long gone. 

When I asked Micol to write about herself and Federico, more than half of what she wrote was about her family, recounting both at length the trials and triumphs of her grandparents, Enzo, Luisa, Ettore and Zaira.

Similarly, Federico took the time to explain what he called his roots, that while international, still harken back to different regions of your beautiful ancient land, the province of Messina and a tiny village in Piedmont.

Now, the connection to the past, in and of itself, is rather neutral. It can be used for evil, and you, in Italy, know that better than we do in America. It can also be used for good, and this is how this connection has manifested in Micol and Federico’s lives. 

This is how Giovanna and Franco raised Federico. This is how Lorella and Riccardo raised Micol. As Micol says, “They taught me and my sister the concept of RESPECT. Yes, we are Jewish, but we always respected both faiths. It has always been an exchange, never a prevarication and I really think that there is no greater teaching than this. This is what the concept of family means to me. This is how I imagine my future life with Federico, building our own family.”

It is this sense of great love and respect that brought us to this moment. As Federico says, “That is why I asked her to marry me. That is why I want to spend my life with her. This is the beginning of a life-long adventure.”

Truly Successful

Saturday afternoon, Pastor Chad Mager and I co-officiated Sydney and Brian’s wedding ceremony at Tea Garden of the Grand Hotel, on Mackinac Island, Michigan. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

So, Sadie Goldstein goes to the park one day, and sees her good friend, Sheila Berkowitz. Sheila had told Sadie that she was looking forward to her grandchildren’s visit, and indeed Sadie spots the two children with the beaming Sheila. Sadie greets her warmly, and says, “They look so cute! Please introduce me.” Sheila says, “Of course!, This is Sheldon, the doctor; he’s eight. Over there on the jungle gym is Irving, the attorney; he just turned six.” (Rim shot.)

Now, obviously, this story is apocryphal, but is this approach regarding what matters in life not true of the outlook of many people in our society? Indeed, if you didn’t know any better, attending a wedding of not one but two doctors of optometry, you might think that this is the approach they grew up with and hold to themselves. Fortunately, nothing could be further from the truth. 

Brian, in fact, says, “My father taught me that to be truly successful in life means to have a loving family.” That is why he says, “I wanted to find someone who I could make happy every day, share and build a life together, and most importantly build a family together… I am so lucky to have found Sydney, to have her in my life… I found my soul mate… I found my best friend.”

And Sydney shares this very approach. She says, “I found the right person who makes me laugh, who is serious enough to make me feel confident in their abilities to take care of our family, who is silly enough to make the life and the serious times it has not so serious, and who is a good role model for our future children. I wanted someone who was kind, nurturing, caring, but also someone who was strong, confident, and motivated. Brian is all of these things and more.”

This is why Sydney says, “All of these things and more make me certain that… I have found the right man for me.” This is why Brian says, “I can’t imagine having anyone else by my side as we navigate this life.”

Extraordinarily Lucky

Saturday evening, Reverend Barron Bell and I co-officiated Renee and Jake’s wedding ceremony, at Parker Manor, in Weatherford, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

I have a split professional personality. I officiate interfaith weddings, and I work for a nonprofit charged with ending homelessness. In the latter role, I spend much time thinking about the idea of luck and privilege, and recognizing that you have it.

This is why I love what Jake says about you, his family and friends: “I have lived an extraordinarily lucky and blessed life. (I have) amazing friends and (a) loving family. I have so so much to be thankful for. (Pause for affect) Actually… so do they, because I am pretty great myself.”

           

Renee recognizes how lucky and blessed she is too. I got to see this with my own eyes, since the first time I met Renee and Jake in the flesh, as opposed to by FaceTime, Renee’s parents joined us too. You could tell from watching and listening to Renee, how appreciative she was of her parents, and how much she values them and her family.

Recognizing your privilege and your luck in life is tremendously important in any relationship, but especially in marriage. Marriage is the most intense relationship we have, and raising a family makes it only more intense, especially if your idea of a family is Renee’s. I am not making this up; here is what she wrote: “I can’t wait to be his wife and have 4 kids and a ranch with horses and cows.” Jake, I don’t know if her not mentioning the number of each animal is good or bad news. I won’t be around to find out… You will!

Fortunately, Renee and Jake recognize the privilege and luck they have in having found each other, and have formed their unique relationship that today they take to the next step. To wit, Jake says, “I love Renee. She is beautiful, smart, fun, kind, and generous. She inspires me and makes me better every day. She’s the life of every party, even though she always gets there late.”

And Renee says, “He can always turn my frown upside down. He has always been there for me. He supports me, teaches me, encourages me, and most importantly, loves me with all of his heart.”

Take the Next Step

Sunday evening, I officiated Meredith and Michael’s wedding ceremony, at The Veranda, in San Antonio, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Marriage, like it or not, involves if not a gamble, at least an educated guess. What do I mean? Well, if you are even marginally self-aware, you realize that you will change over time, and, spoiler alert, so will your spouse. By committing to the bond of marriage, you are saying that you know that not only do you of today love the him or her of today, but that the you of tomorrow will love the him or her of tomorrow.

Sounds daunting, I know. So, how can you make sure this is more of a grounded decision than a baseless bet? It helps to remember that past is usually prologue, and that history may not repeat itself, but it often rhymes.

Listen to Michael’s observation about Meredith: “Over the course of our college experience, I noticed that a lot of people changed. Having just finished medical school, I noticed that a lot of people change. While Meredith has grown through her experiences, she remains in a lot of ways the same girl I met freshman year. She knows where she came from, remembers the people that were there along the way, and bends over backwards to help those around her...”

And, it’s important to take the time and analyze not only that person in isolation, but that person, yourself, and how you work together as a unit.

Listen to Meredith’s observation, “When we moved to San Antonio in 2014, we both took a big leap of faith. We knew that it would be tough on our relationship – we were moving to a new place where we knew no one. Michael was starting medical school and I was starting a job with a steep learning curve as well. We were leaving behind friends, family and jobs we both loved. It was difficult and lonely for a while, but we relied on each other and I never regretted moving to San Antonio with him. It solidified for me that the two of us were a team and I would be happy wherever we were, as long as we were together.”

And, it helps to go one step further, and pay attention to how that person treats others, because counterintuitively, the you of tomorrow, is not really the same person, but an other.

Michael has paid attention, and says, “Fundamentally, I feel we share the desire to be part of a larger community, to take pride in our work, to take care of ourselves, to continuously better ourselves, and to help others.” And this might be one of the things Meredith admires the most about Michael. She says, “Time and time again I have seen Michael go to great lengths to help or do something kind for the people he loves.”

This takes time and patience, but is really all there is to it. If you have taken the time to contemplate, to observe, to do your homework about yourself and your partner, you are ready, like Meredith and Michael, to take the next step.

In deciding to take this next step, Meredith and Michael have thought a lot about how important the concept of “family” is to them. They say: “We will never forget the love, patience, sacrifice and devotion that our parents have invested in us since childhood. They taught us by example to work hard; to be loyal and honest; to find meaningful life’s work that we are passionate about; and to embrace life with compassion, joy and love. As we look ahead to our future as husband and wife, we hope to honor the legacy of life given to us by our parents. We will strive to give our own children the same kinds of ‘roots and wings’ that have brought the two of us both to this moment.”

A Conspiracy of Love

Saturday evening I officiated Shana and Lane’s wedding ceremony at the Dreams Riviera Cancun, on the Riviera Maya, Mexico. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

If you know Lane, you know one thing is true: You can't get this guy to shut up. (Not really.) Seriously, though, it's quite common, especially when it comes to talking about matters of the heart, for us to be less verbose than our female counterparts.

Listen, for instance, to how Lane describes the beginning of his relationship with Shana: "We met at the hospital when I was on the ambulance transporting patients. We went on several dates and decided to make it official." Yea, that's how it went... Nope.

Just listen to Shana describe the exact same thing, and I am actually leaving some of this out: "I had NEVER been someone that got "googly eyed" over a good lookin' man before; HOWEVER, let me just tell you that the first time I saw him, another nurse and I had to stop giving shift change report to stare at this most handsome man... We never really talked to each other when he came around. Just some smiles and 'Hey how's it goin?' My coworkers had enough of this unspoken flirting going on. While I wasn't around, they asked Lane what he thought about me and if he ever planned on asking me out. They gave him my number, and he contacted me a couple days later." Wow! Where Lane's description reads like a corporate press release, Shana's description could be taken out of a John Le Carre novel!

 

 

Around the time I was writing this, I was listening to Cory Booker read his audiobook, and he introduced me to a term that describes what Shana's friends did behind her back, a "conspiracy of love". In a world awash with imagined conspiracies, not many of them positive, a "conspiracy of love" is a beautiful thing.

This is not the first "conspiracy" to be "perpetrated" on this couple. Both of them describe what wonderful, loving, caring and close families they grew up in. This is the original meaning of Booker's "conspiracy of love". And, this "conspiracy" went further. After all, you don't join the most intimate of the helping professions, nursing, if your parents have not raised you to deeply care, not just for your family and friends, but for others in need. This same approach is what caused Lane to join his dad in a regular rather novel Sunday morning activity, feeding the homeless.

Having been raised this way, today is special and meaningful, because it marks the formalizing of the creation of their new family, where they can continue this "conspiracy of love." As Shana says, "I have never been 'that girl' that dreams of the big wedding day, with the big dress... What I have dreamed of is FAMILY. I desire to be married so we can try to start a family that is as close and wonderful as the families we were raised in. I want to marry because I have been blessed with a man that also values the importance and closeness of family."

Shana further underlines the significance and context of today in their lives, "The actual wedding day will be wonderful, but what I desire most is to start living the day after the wedding." What does she mean by "living"? I suspect that one simple sentence from Lane explains this: "She has the biggest heart I've ever seen in someone." That big heart means that Shana and Lane's "conspiracy of love" only starts with their family, but spreads far beyond it, to their friends, their patients and beyond. We and the rest of the world are and will be better for it.

You and I

Sunday evening, I officiated Dana and Daniel’s wedding ceremony at the McKinney Flour Mill in McKinney, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

One of the things that stood out to me about Dana and Daniel is their gratitude. Gratitude should never be underestimated in its importance, and conversely there is scarcely a worse quality than being ungrateful.

They both express profound gratitude for having found each other. As Dana says, "We just have so much fun being together. Everything feels easy and right." And as Daniel says, "We’ve both had pretty exciting lives, and we’ve enjoyed sharing them with each other."

They not only express gratitude for having found each other. They are profoundly grateful to their parents. As Dana says, "I grew up in a very stable and loving environment, where my curiosity was allowed to flourish...  I was and continue to be very loved, and... incredibly fortunate." And as Daniel says, "Mom and Dad were always hard at work... managing to never leave my brother or me wanting for anything.  Their work-ethic and strong wills - I tear-up just thinking of..." And, both Dana and Daniel are profoundly grateful that their families have come together and love and appreciate each other. As Daniel says in a slightly folksy turn of phrase, "Our families get along like peas and carrots!" As someone who has officiated many weddings, I will tell you, THAT is nothing to "sneeze" at.

Dana and Daniel's gratitude reminded me of one of the most meaningful readings I have ever found. It so wonderfully expresses how despite the challenges we each face, how grateful we should be for, well, just being. This small piece of prose is poetry-like, which might be surprising, since it was written by a scientist, Richard Dawkins:

"The potential people who could have been here in my place but who will in fact never see the light of day outnumber the sand grains of Arabia. Certainly those unborn ghosts include greater poets than Keats, scientists greater than Newton. We know this because the set of possible people allowed by our DNA so massively exceeds the set of actual people. In the teeth of these stupefying odds it is you and I, in our ordinariness, that are here. We privileged few, who won the lottery of birth against all odds..."

Dana and Daniel not only won the lottery of birth, they won the lottery of excellent parenting, the lottery of great families and the lottery of love. And so, they are utterly and profoundly grateful for this great fortune.

It is, therefore, hard not to pray that Daniel's wish for their future come true, "Perhaps one day we’ll be sitting on a porch swing - or some other fantastic cliché - and be able to look back at our life and just grin. That’s all any of us can ask."

Not a bad "ask". Not a bad "ask" at all.

We Are Picking Each Other

Thursday night, New Year’s Eve, I officiated Elise and Dan’s wedding at Castle on the Lake, in Jacksonville, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

The best, most treasured learning is that that helps us uncover who we really are as human beings, what our values are, and how we can live out those values in our day to day lives. Elise and Dan not only embody this behavior; they come from families that set an example for them in this area.

In what we would call in the literary sciences, "foreshadowing", Elise tells us that “Dan grew up in a household that loved Jewish culture. I grew up in a family that loved Irish culture.” Both families learned about those other cultures, without having any hereditary ties to them. Dan's family admired the values upheld by Jewish tradition, as they are expressed in the American Jewish community - with hard work and devotion to learning. They also had great admiration for the Modern Jewish State. Elise's family admired the happiness, resiliency and to borrow a phrase from across the channel, the joie de vivre, of the Irish People.

When you grow up with a love for other cultures, an openness to the wider world, and a genuine interest in learning from other people, your life has the potential to become a journey of moral growth and maturation. Indeed, Elise say that her work, “merges my love for design with my love for psychology and understanding people and the way individuals think.” Dan, who, due to work, lived in Taiwan and now frequently travels to Israel, says “I’ve been on an eight-year journey since graduating college of expanding my mind, values, and worldview through experiences." 

And this immersion in moral growth and self improvement, as a way of life, was fundamental from the beginning of Elise and Dan's relationship. Indeed, Elise says that, “At the beginning of our relationship, Dan and I would spend endless hours discussing religion and our thoughts (about it)."

This deep contemplation and open exploration led her in short order to knowing that marrying Dan was in the cards. Here is what this commitment means to her: “Marriage means you stay individuals but become one. It is the ultimate sign of commitment to one another. Out of everyone in the world, we are picking each other... I know without a doubt that Dan is my soul mate."

Dan seconds that notion, and envisions in it the same continuing journey of mutual growth, that Elise so values, "I... make a real commitment to her and our future life together in front of our families, our friends, and our God. I put the first 30 years of my me-first life behind and discover my true self in selflessness. I reconnect to a joy and innocence from my youth, and make a promise to a beautiful, intelligent, kind, compassionate woman."

One Plus One Equals Way More Than Two

Saturday evening I officiated Ashley and Tim’s wedding ceremony at the Hard Rock Hotel in Cancun, Mexico. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Most American Jews come from Eastern Europe. One of the most fascinating slogans in the fight for freedom in the region Ashley's ancestors hail from was "Two plus two always equals four", a popular slogan in the Polish Solidarity movement. You see, the core of Communist doctrine was that the party was always correct, and so if it said that two plus two equals five, than that was true. Solidarity set out to counter that.

Now, as they say, even a broken clock is right twice a day, and finding your soul mate can be an instance, that defies math. If you read between the lines of Ashley's description of Tim's affect on her, you see that one plus one equals way more than two.

"When I met Tim," she says, "I had never met someone who I knew just worked so well with me. He was handsome, funny, intelligent, driven and so outgoing and well liked. Most importantly, Tim makes me feel my best. I had never been dating someone who made me feel like my best person before. Even my family noticed how he made me a better person." Forget the total, her one grew exponentially, because of him!

In fact, as Tim reminds us, in speaking of Ashley, we, our essence, our happiness, grows because of our relationships with all who we love and who return that love: "Besides all of her gleaming qualities (she’s hilarious, beautiful, one of the most admirable dentists in the entire field, a great friend, sister and daughter, she literally has dozens, if not hundreds, of people who would gladly give the shirt off their back for her, among other items), she loves her family and she loves being with my family... I think that her knowing that her family is happy, in turn, makes her happy."

Both Ashley and Tim speak movingly about their mutual feeling of having found their match, as Tim puts it, what Ashley calls their Beshert. This Yiddish word means match or match made in heaven. However, it can also mean lucky. So Ashley's use of this rich multi-layered word echoes Tim's confidence that in finding Ashley, he feels like, "the luckiest guy in the world."

But how do you know you have found your match, your Beshert? How do you know that you are indeed that lucky? I believe that if we look closely at what Ashley and Tim say, we find that answer hidden in plain sight. You know you have found that special someone, that Beshert, that match made in heaven, when your one plus one equals way more than two. You know you are truly the luckiest person in the world, when each "one" grows exponentially, and when in turn the combination of your potential, your growth, and your happiness, becomes simply and purely immeasurable.

The Real Thing

This last Sunday (5/24) I officiated Rachel and Matt's wedding ceremony at Magnolia Terrace in Frisco, Texas. Here are the words I shared with them and their guests:

I ask every couple why they want to marry and why now. I love Rachel answer, "He has taught me what real love is, and how a man is supposed to treat a woman. With him I feel our family is complete."

Now, when I asked Rachel what she meant when she said Matt had taught her what real love is, she couldn't adequately express it. She knew it to be true, but she could not explain it in words.

This exchange with Rachel about identifying the real thing, reminded me of a fascinating mystery from Jewish literary history. For more than 1500 years the 3rd most important book to Jews the world over was the Jerusalem Talmud. It was carefully copied generation after generation. At some time in the Middle Ages, one of its volumes disappeared, never to be seen again. Then a little more than 100 years ago a man appeared in Europe, claiming he had found a long lost manuscript of the volume, and he begin publishing it part after part.

The language of the book read so well, and felt so authentic that some rabbis believed it to be real. Many others, though, suspected it was a forgery. Something felt not right. Much like Rachel, they knew what they knew. They just couldn't put their fingers on it.

One rabbi was able to finally put the issue to rest. The Talmud has numerous repetitions throughout its many pages. So the fact that this lost volume had such repetitions was no surprise. However, this great rabbi pointed out, this lost volume not only had repetitions. It had no original material. There was nothing new here. Clearly, the publisher had used material from the other volumes, and stitched it all together. With nothing unique to this volume, it could only be a fake.

I believe this story can help us understand what Rachel means. Love CAN be confusing. We go through life looking for our one true love, and sometimes we really think we have found it, only to be disappointed. So how do we know that what we have is the real thing? We know it is real when we find ourselves feeling a type of love that is unique, a first, an original.

Interestingly, this answer is exactly what Matt said, when I asked him why he wants to marry Rachel: "For the first time in my life I have found another person I could not live without. A person that I want to spend every waking moment with. The first person I would like to have a family with."

Real love may defy words; it may elude literal description. However, it can be spotted deep in the heart, in a mysterious way, by the fact that it is truly unique. It is like no other love you have felt before. You simply cannot find a parallel to it. It can't be faked. It can't be forged. Its truth unmistakably shines through. That's when you know that what you've got is the real thing.

Brit Shalom – a Covenant of Peace

Yesterday, I officiated my first Brit Shalom for Tzvi[1], son of Melinda and Chris in Allen, Texas.  Brit Shalom is a new innovation. As Dr. Mark Reiss explains on his website www.britshalom.info, “Brit Shalom is a naming ceremony for Jewish families opting out of circumcision.” Dr. Reiss is passionate about helping such families, and so he has assembled a list of 213 celebrants in the USA, who are willing to officiate such ceremonies, 158 of which are listed on his website.

I am a little distressed that I am the only one listed for Texas and Oklahoma, who will officiate for any family! After all, as Dr. Reiss explains, “Not all the celebrants listed are opposed to Brit Milah. However, they are all committed to providing service to families unwilling to circumcise their sons, by officiating at Brit Shalom ceremonies.” I, personally, am not opposed to circumcision, nor am I a supporter of this ancient practice. I find each side’s arguments quite legitimate. As all three of my boys were born while we were still Orthodox, I have the luxury of not having to decide, as a non-Orthodox Jew, in practice, what I would do. I just ask myself, if I were opposed to circumcision, would I not want a rabbi to welcome the opportunity to celebrate my child’s birth with me? Therefore, I sincerely hope other rabbis will join me, eventually.   

The term Brit Shalom is an interesting one. The Book of Ezekiel, written from the point of view of the 6^th Century B.C.E. in Babylon, references the historical covenantal relationship between the Yahweh and the Judahites, which other prophets and authors had spoken about at length. As monolatrists[2], the destruction of Judah and the exile of the Judahites to Babylon, implied to many that the covenant had been broken. Ezekiel counters this, and reassures the Judahites that the covenant will be renewed in the future, as a covenant of peace, literally Brit Shalom.

Here are the remarks I shared Sunday night with Melinda, Chris and their extended family, which all gathered at their home in Allen, Texas:

One of the most fascinating things about the Jewish tradition is that a Jewish scholar, be he the greatest scholar of his generation, is referred to as a wise student. That is because Judaism so values the idea of life long learning. So, whatever like-cycle event I officiate, I try to see it as a teachable moment. 

Actually, it is this very point that stands out about Melinda and Chris. Most people just go with the flow. Most people's answer to why they do or don't do something is I don't know, or whatever, or because other people do. The liberal Jewish tradition does not view this type of approach favorably. It embraces the idea of learning that traditional Judaism does. It calls upon the individual, through this learning process, to seek out those traditions that enhance one's life, and practice those. Equally as important, it calls upon the individual, through the very same learning process, to figure out which traditions do not enhance one's life and discard those. Finally, it calls upon the individual, through this learning process to find traditions that with modification, can enhance one's life, and embrace those in their new form. This is exactly what Melinda and Chris have done in seeking out the rituals we practice today.

Now, note that I refer to the individual on purpose. Liberal Judaism calls upon every individual to work through this process. It recognizes that different people will come to different conclusions, and sees that as a good thing. So what is right for Melinda and Chris may not be right for the next couple. How wonderful this diversity is!

Finally, Liberal Judaism calls upon us to engage in dialogue, to argue our cases, and stand by our convictions, allowing the facts to guide us towards the conclusions that are right for us. It also calls upon us to use only the truth, as our guiding light. This means that one needs to listen to the other person's position, carefully evaluate it, be willing to accept that it could be right, and if it is, discard one's own position. This approach is the very approach that Melinda and Chris took in arriving at the conclusion that the type of celebration we observe here today is the right one for them.

So, Melinda and Chris, young Tzvi, is ahead if the pack already, since you will raise him in the very environment that brought about his first life cycle celebration. May you continue to inculcate him with this tremendously healthy approach.

 

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[1] This is the Hebrew name mom and dad gave him Sunday night. In any type of baby naming ceremony, I always reference the English name too. It is omitted here to protect the young man’s privacy.

[2] This is the concept of believing in the existence of many gods, but swearing allegiance to only one. This is quite different from monotheism, where one believes in the existence of only one god. Most scholars today agree that the Yahweh Alone party, the small group of priests in the 7th Century B.C.E., who wrote the core parts of the Torah and Prophets, were monolatrists, not monotheists, and the straightforward reading of the Hebrew Bible really always pointed in that direction. 

Got That Happiness Thing "Made"

Friday afternoon (9/5) I officiated Sandy and Chris' wedding ceremony at their home in Richmond Heights, Ohio. It was a lot of fun seeing their family again, having officiated Sandy's brother Jon's wedding ceremony to Jenny, a few years ago in New Orleans, Louisiana. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

 

Ask Chris to tell you one thing about Sandy, and he will use a sentence that is mutually true: "I have never been with someone that makes me as happy as Sandy does."

 

The very founding document of our nation prominently mentions the pursuit of happiness, third only to life and liberty, as one of reasons for those Englishmen throwing off the yoke of their monarch. This stands out even more, if you know that they were borrowing this phrase from Locke, who had spoken of life, liberty and property, not the pursuit of happiness.

Now, if our forebears imbued our nation with legitimacy, insofar, as it could enable us to pursue happiness, the question that follows should be more than obvious: How does one do just that, achieve happiness. I believe that Sandy and Chris in the way they have lived their lives, help us understand.

 

First, you need to be patient. We live in a world where speed is prized. Why is my burger ready only after an agonizing 60 seconds? Why does my iPhone take an unbearable 10 seconds to retrieve that email? Can you believe that it took Amazon a full 24 hours to get me that new flatscreen TV? Sandy and Chris understand that "good" and "fast" aren't all that often equal. Just look at what happened when Chris asked Sandy out the first time, and she explained that the timing was just not right. He didn't give up. All he said was, "I will wait for you. I am not going anywhere." It took about a year, she said yes, and you know the rest...

Second, you need to work at it, but not make a big deal out of yourself. Just do what needs to be done. The Talmud says that the Patriarch, Abraham, would "talk little and do much." Basic business and customer service practice similarly tells us to, "underpromise and overdeliver." Both Sandy and Chris' family and friends can tell you how they embody this quality in their lives as individuals and as a couple. 

 

Third, and this is closely connected to the other two, you need to let go of your apprehensions, be inspired, relish your life experiences, and learn from them and from each other. Indeed, Sandy tells us that Chris has turned around all her, "'I'm never going to's'", and also says, "I have never believed in anyone more than I believe in Chris,” whom she fondly calls her “Frank Sinatra”. Chris, in turn says, "She inspires me to be a better man. At this point I could not be without her. She is the yin to my yang, the peanut butter to my jelly, and the twinkle to my star."

 

So, folks, just remember, have patience, get the job quietly done, let go of your apprehensions, be inspired, relish your life experiences, and learn from them and from each other. Then you've got that happiness thing "made..."

Learn from Each Other and Live in the Moment

Saturday evening (8/16) I officiated Jordan and Jesse's wedding ceremony at Aldredge House in Dallas, Texas. Here are the personal remarks I shared with them and their guests:

 

Jordan and Jesse are two individuals, who are both deep and thoughtful, and at the same time fun-loving and light-hearted. They started off as close friends, and held on to that aspect of their relationship, even after they started dating. They have great senses of humor, and like we comfortably can do with our truly close friends, they are not afraid of laughing at themselves, at and with each other.

 

They each have thought deeply about their relationships with their spiritual and cultural traditions, and have sought to learn about each other's. This has enabled them to begin authentically forming their own new family traditions.

 

There are though, two very important aspects of every successful relationship, in which they truly excel. First, they each recognize that in a loving relationship, if you open yourself up to it, the other person can help you become a better person. Second, and closely related to this, if you allow for this, your daily, even mundane, experiences can and do become elevated through a relationship of true love.

 

So, Jordan and Jesse, keep it up! Stay serious, but not too serious, stay friends, learn from each other, and live in the moment. If you continue to that, you've got it made.

Like Opening a Bottle of Lightning

 

Last night, Saturday 5/17, I officiated Monique and Tony's wedding at Hotel Mazarin, in New Orleans, Louisiana. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Over the last few months, I spoke with both Monique and Tony together, and individually, about their relationship. Both of Monique and Tony's accounts were so beautiful, that I believe paraphrasing them would be a crime. Instead, I would like to share some of their descriptions with all of you now.

Monique described their first meeting and their relationship: "Tony was sitting on steps in front of a building waiting for me. I got out of the taxi, our eyes met, and the strangest thing happened. I didn’t feel love at first sight or butterflies, but rather a recognition that my life was about to change. I desired to know this person. We ended up having the best date I’ve ever had. It was like our lives had been running parallel to one another, each of us waiting for the perfect time to intersect. We each had exactly what the other person needed and wanted."

Tony used a fascinating phrase I actually have never seen before, but I immediately understood what he meant:  "Our first time together was like opening a bottle of lightning. Hours with her seemed like minutes. I knew immediately – and have felt since – that she was one of the people who would be a big part of my life... Aside from my son*, I have never felt such closeness with another human being.  I feel that each day I spend with Monique is a gift."

Wow. Is that cool or what? Every couple should strive for such a deep and profound connection.

I always encourage couples, who have children from previous relationships to acknowledge them in their ceremony. Such encouragement was not necessary here.  In fact, both Monique and Tony expressed the importance of Tony's son in their relationship.

Tony said, "As much as I immediately cared for Monique, I knew that I was not the only party that mattered here. Thus, it was with the utmost joy that I watched Monique and my son get to know, and care for, each other. Although my son and I have always had a wonderful relationship, it wasn’t until Monique joined us that we have felt like a family." And Monique reflects this right back, when she speaks of her two favorite guys, "Tony and his son are my family now. They were both so generous with their love, they were able to tear down my walls. Their love feels like the safest place I’ve ever known. I think I provide the same for them as well."

Monique and Tony, what can I even attempt to add to that? May you together with Tony's son, continue to enjoy this lightning in a bottle that you three have captured together.

* In my remarks I used his name. I have excised it here to protect his privacy.

Apples and Trees

On Friday 7/12, Pastor Doris Harris and I co-officiated Megan and Cedric's wedding at Noah's in Irving, Texas. Here are the personal remarks I shared with them:

I wrote these remarks walking the streets of downtown Chicago. I ask each person I marry to write a short autobiographical essay, and was rereading Megan and Cedric's essays at the foot of the old Sears Tower. I was thinking about how intrigued we are by such mammoth constructions. We are especially intrigued by climbing to the top, and looking down upon the world, gaining a greater perspective of our physical surroundings. If only we had a similar vehicle to gain greater perspective upon our lives, our personalities, our mark on the world.

Oh, wait there is such a vehicle; our children...

One of the things you learn pretty quickly as an educator working with children is that usually the apple does indeed NOT far from the tree. So much so that you can, with few exceptions, predict how your interaction with the tree will go.

That is why I love it when I get to meet couples' children during the process of working on their ceremony. You see, I got to read their essays, and I found, like others who know them, a kind, happy, driven couple, who are full of integrity and mutual love, but those were still just words. In meeting their daughter, talking to her, and interacting with this small family I got the bird's eye view, the true perspective that backed up those words. You could see the true great character of this couple shining through. The apple showed you everything you needed to know.

Megan and Cedric, may you continue to share this same love that shines through your daughter today, and enjoy the fruit of your labors from now and forever more.

The Greatest Work of Art

Yesterday, Saturday 5/25, I officiated Maggie and Spencer's wedding at the beautiful Dallas Museum of Art in Dallas, Texas. Here are the personal remarks I shared with them and their guests:

I don’t know about you, but stand I in awe of people like Maggie and Spencer, who are so deeply into art. I have officiated almost 190 weddings in the last six years, but never have I encountered a couple that designed and made their beautiful Ketubah together. How lucky these two, Maggie and Spencer, are to have this additional aspect to their relationship, one that so few people get to experience, the ability to create art together.

Why do I say that these two are so lucky? Well, I remember an experience I had in a different art museum here in town, the Biblical Art Museum. My friend, the Co-Curator, Scott Peck, was giving me a guided tour during my first visit, and we came upon a few small pieces of art created by the famous Israeli artist, Ya’akov Agam. I noticed immediately that with Agam’s pieces, and I am sure there is a much more learned way of saying this, every piece looks totally different, depending on where you stood.

So, when I sat down to write the remarks for Maggie and Spencer’s wedding, it hit me. Agam’s method is really emblematic of the greatness of art, in general. It is art that enables us to see things from multiple different perspectives. Now, being able, on your own, to see things from multiple perspectives is highly valuable. Being able to see things, as a couple, from multiple perspectives, is not just valuable; it is critical. It is this ability that allows two different people from two different families to come together as one, and form a new family together. As one half of this new entity, you must be able to view things not just from your perspective, but from your partner’s perspective too. That is why Maggie and Spencer, with their refined ability as artists, particularly artists who have created art together, are so lucky.

Maggie and Spencer, hold on to this great gift you have. Remember that love is more art than science, and together, may you continue to mold the greatest work of art any of us can create with a partner, a happy and beautiful marriage.

I Can’t Remember Life before Her Being This Good

Last night, Friday 3/22, I co-officiated Lauren and Aaron's wedding with Pastor Leighton Ogg at Agave Road in Katy, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Lauren and Aaron, one of the greatest challenges we have in life, each and everyone of us, is transitioning from childhood and adolescence to adulthood. The ticking of the clock may cause us to age, but maturing demands conscious effort. And, as we live in times rocked by economic upheaval, the latter has become more, not less challenging.

Now, one thing I am sure that your friends and family can agree on, is that you as individuals, can serve as an example for others in your age cohort in this regard. You have overcome this challenge, in a most excellent way, to the point where I imagine other parents with children your age might even be envious.

Now, though life is never a zero sum game, successfully traversing the divide between childhood and adolescence on the one hand, and adulthood on the other hand hides a challenge in it too. You see, the wonderful thing about children and adolescents is that they are much more able to live in the present, to enjoy the moment, to revel in the here and now. Adulthood, invariably and thankfully leaves some of that behind. Still, life can and will become dull and mundane, if we cannot hold on to some of that youthful spirit of enjoying the moment.

Here is where you are further instructive in your relationship and in your life together. Aaron, when asked why he wants to marry Lauren now simply focuses on the present, and says, "I can’t remember life before her being this good." And Lauren when asked why the present is the right time for this celebration quotes that immortal cinematic line, "When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”

A Tremendous Amount of Love and Caring

Between the both of them Cynthia and Mike have more degrees than a thermometer. What is really impressive about them is what wonderful and loving parents they are. Here are the remarks I shared with them:

While working with a couple on their ceremony, I spend time talking to them, and getting to know them. I also have each person write an autobiographical essay. When I write the draft of the ceremony, I usually go back and reread those essays, and use them as my starting point or launching pad for these very remarks.

After all, as engineers like Cynthia and Mike might tell you, you can learn a lot about any entity through analyzing a product they made. That is true for a company that makes seats for airplanes, and it is true for individual people too.

The thing is that with Cynthia and Mike, just from meeting with them, I got to see much more than with the average couple. Every time I met with them, I got to meet Luna too. (At her request, I even got to do something I had never done before, read a child a book in Spanish.) Any couple who has a child will tell you how much that changes their lives, as individuals and as lovers. It may sound like a cliché, but it is very true. If you do things right, like Cynthia and Mike, it causes your love to really mature and take form. Beyond that, and I speak here as a former assistant principal, you can learn a lot about people just from observing parents interact with their children, and even just from your own interaction with their children.

What you learn from observing Cynthia and Mike with Luna, and from spending even a few moments with Luna herself is unmistakable. There is a tremendous amount of love and caring in this young family. So, Cynthia and Mike, what is it we wish for you? Well, that you stay the course, that you keep doing what you are doing, that you continue strengthening this very bond of mutual love and caring within your little family.

Awake and Alive

Jami and Steven know each other from childhood. Their paths intersected many times in life, until a few years ago they fell in love. Their wedding was planned by them and their kids, and they call themselves the Spalvisairowans, which a combination of all of the last names their eight person clan shares. Here are the remarks I shared with them:

One of the things Jami and Steven emphasized time and again was that this wedding was about way more than just them. It was about them and their kids coming together as one big blended family. So, I tried to think about all the things they told me about how they live their lives as individuals and as a couple. I asked myself what might be their message for you not in words, but in that very way they live together and come together today to make your being one big family official.

What struck me about Jami and Steven is that they truly savor life, as individuals and as a couple. This reminded me of a song I heard, since I share an iTunes account with my 17 year old daughter. It's called Awake and Alive by Skillet. Here are a few words from the song:

... When my faith is getting weak
And I feel like giving in
You breathe into me again
I'm awake, I'm alive
Now I know what I believe inside

... Waking up in the dark
I can feel you in my sleep
In your arms, I feel you breathe into me
Forever hold this heart that I will give to you
Forever I will live for you.

What does it mean to be awake and alive? Being awake and alive is not about being perfect. It is not about not making mistakes. It is not about never having challenges. Being awake and alive is about being imperfect and making it work. It is about making mistakes and using them as opportunities to learn. It is about grabbing challenges by the horns, and having them propel you forward.

So, what is it we wish for you, all of you Spalvisairowans? That you indeed live your lives in such a fashion, that live awake and alive, as one big happy family.

Natalya and Bret – Let’s Be Explicit Here

One of the great things about living in Texas, and I have personally lived on three continents, is that people are really really nice. Criticism is rarely heard, people tend to have a smile on their face, and cashiers still address you (or me) as “Hon(ey)”. Of course, the flip side of that is that understatement is king, even when it should not be. So, you will hear, “Oh, Jimmy (question mark, voice going up), his heart is in the right place,” which really means he is hard to get along with. Other times you will hear, “Oh, Mike (question mark, voice going up), he is a really hard worker,” which means he is not the greatest family man. You might even hear, “Oh, Susie, she comes from a great family,” which means that she, the apple, has unfortunately fallen a little far from the tree.

Now, you may be asking yourselves at this point, well, so what, and what does this have to do with what we can learn from Natalya and Bret. Well, I am glad you asked. You see, the downside of softened criticism is that when you have individuals who really have their hearts in the right place, who really treat their families and friends exquisitely well, and who really make their families and friends proud just to be associated with them, your praise of them might sound faint. You see, I believe anyone who interacts with Natalya and Bret, comes away thinking, “Wow, these are good people, these are two individuals who I can count on, these are people who show how a loving couple should behave to each other, this is a couple, who I can point to my kids as a positive example to my kids.”

Let us, therefore, not be shy. Let us point out to others, what a great, compassionate, humble and kind couple Natalya and Bret are. Let us learn to continue practicing what might be called Texas nice, but let us not forget that that means we need to be more explicit in our praise, if we and our families are to look up to positive examples of behavior like the loving couple we celebrate with today.