Live Our Path Together

Saturday evening, I officiated Sam and Beau’s wedding ceremony at the Pine Creek Cookhouse in Aspen, Colorado. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

I always ask every person I officiate for to write their life story. Most do not get into the details of their birth. Interestingly, both of these individuals did. Listen to Beau, first: "I was six weeks premature and needed to be in an incubator. The same day I was born, a nurse walked by my incubator and realized I was not breathing. She resuscitated me and I remained strong from that point on. Because I was so premature, a nurse who had worked with me from the day I was born, took me to live at her home with her husband as a foster child so that she could make sure I was well taken care of, and had the direct attention of a health professional. The nurse fell in love with me, and fought to become my mother."
 
Now Sam's birth, while less medically perilous was no less, shall we say, interesting: "Having put my parents through three fake labors, I finally came into this world upside down and backwards. It was definitely a dramatic night, and a sign for the future."
 
Sam ties this to her path in life, when she says, "Thus began my journey… of unfolding and discovering my truths, choosing and creating my fate, connecting to my higher Self." And, Beau too has embraced the perfection and imperfections that life has lead him through, to arrive here today. Together, as a couple, as well as each of them individually, they have embraced a simple sentence that guides their lives, "We each have our own journey."
 
And, what a journey each of them has had, and they, as a couple, have had together. Their stories are fascinating and inspiring, specifically, because it has NOT been one long uninterrupted fairy tale. They have led interesting and complicated lives, and have taken the time to reflect on and learn from their experiences.
 
And these led them to that wonderful, elusive, messy thing – love. Listen to Beau, reflecting on a difficult yet pivotal point in his life, and in what brought him back to hope in and for the future: "I came across a drawing... It was Guanyin, the Tibetan goddess of love and compassion. At that point, I deeply lacked love and compassion for myself, and therefore had nothing to spare for those around me. I realized that this was a sign... and had the drawing of Guanyin tattooed on my left arm to remind me that I along with everyone in the world need and deserve love and compassion no matter their story or situation..."
 
And, Sam speaks of an evolution towards love and compassion in a very similar way: "I slowly left the dogma of structured religion and focused more on my own personal connection to a higher power and life lived fully in right action and attitude. My heart exploded with love and compassion and desire for adventure and new experiences."
 
And, Sam sums up beautifully how this love for everyone and each other guides their next steps together, in a few short words that Beau could have written too: "So, through my... messy journey of heartache, perseverance, strength, will, love, and gratitude... my personal and spiritual journeys define big parts of who I am and who I strive to be. They have not only gotten me where I am, but they have lead me to Beau and allow me to fully experience and live our path together."

Meant to Be…

Saturday evening, I officiated Lizzy and Aaryn’s wedding ceremony at Ten Mile Station, in Breckenridge, Colorado. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

As I sat down to write these remarks, I had a sudden revelation. This was all meant to be. What do I mean? Well, here is the interesting thing about Lizzy's name. Elizabeth or Elisheva shows up once and only once in all the Hebrew Scriptures. Guess who she marries? That's right, the first high priest of Israel, the brother of Moses, Aaron.

Fittingly, when Lizzy describes her Aaryn, he seems to possess some of the characteristics of that original Aaron. Listen to what she says: "Aaryn is the best companion. He consistently listens attentively, offers the best advice, demonstrates his love and support for me, and makes breakfast whenever I want it. He is confident, caring, perceptive, loyal, and – very important when you deal with me on a regular basis – level-headed."

Pretty cool, huh? But why do I say he has some of the original Aaron in him? Well, here is how the Rabbinic tradition describes Aaron: "Loved peace, pursued peace, loved his fellow man..." And the ancient rabbis expound on this with various legends in which they extol Aaron's character, telling us how, to paraphrase Lizzy, he was caring, supportive, loyal and yes, level-headed.

Now, Lizzy, in a self-critical manner, seems to think that level-headedness is key, when you deal with her. This tells me that one of her best qualities is that she is passionate about what she believes in, and is not afraid to not only express this, but act on it too.

The ancient rabbis see the same in the original Elizabeth, Elisheva, Aaron's wife. You may remember that Pharaoh orders the midwives of the Hebrews to help him with his genocidal plots against the Hebrews. Guess who the rabbis tell us one of the midwives was? That's right, Elisheva. These two women do what nobody else dares to do in that story. They disobey Pharaoh's orders. Elisheva refuses to go along just to get along. Sounds a lot like Lizzy...

Now, not only is Lizzy passionate; she is much much more. In fact, Aaryn describes Lizzy in a similar fashion to how she describes him. He tells us that Lizzy, "is beautiful, adorable, smart, friendly, caring, genuine, sweet, loving."

And he ends with what you sense could be a mutual statement, "I am ready to care, love, partner, parent and more with Lizzy for the rest of my life." Like I said at the beginning, Lizzy and Aaryn - they were meant to be...

Beyond Anything I Can Compare

Sunday evening, I officiated Sivan and Kevin’s wedding ceremony at the Vouv, in Dallas, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

In Texas, being fully honest with others is something of a challenge for many of us. Hence, those oh so Texas sayings, "It is what it is," "Well, there you go," or (my favorite), "Bless your heart!" Each of these really means, "I think you are full of crap, but I won't tell you that, because we don't do that here."

 

Now, the great thing about Israelis, and I can say this because I am one, is that we don't talk like that. We are like New Yorkers on steroids. We say what we mean, and we mean what we say. The sabras, or native born Israelis, like Sivan, really stand out in that respect. I can say that, because I am married to one. You always know where you stand with a sabra.

If you know Kevin, you know that description fits him too. You might be called an honorary sabra. He met Sivan through her coming to speak to a club he belonged to. Meant to be, you might say? Here is how Kevin describes it: "Though there is no evidence for fate or determinism, I will admit circumstance did align." Poetry it ain't, but isn’t it honest?!

And what was Sivan thinking as she waited to speak, and saw Kevin in the audience? "I couldn’t look away. He was beautiful. After the panel he came to introduce himself; he was so nervous. He was too great. So naturally, I assumed he’s gay. I legit tried to set him up with my gay best friend as the night went on and he was incredibly confused." Hey, I told you she was honest!

Now, being honest with others is one thing, but being honest with yourself, can be a challenge regardless of where you come from. This is an area where Sivan and Kevin really stand out. They have asked uncomfortable questions, and they have not shied away from the answers they have found, regardless of where these answers took them, and what others might think. In fact, it is not often you meet two individuals, who have thought so long and hard about their places in the world, their life journeys so far, and where they wish to go from here.

When you are honest with others and with yourself, you have a shot at true self-actualization as individuals and as a couple. Listen to Kevin: "My desire and love for Sivan is beyond anything I can compare. She is really a great person to be around. Being myself, being THAT person (I am) when I am around her is amazing... With Sivan the best things come out... I just want to spend as much time as I can with her doing everything. It is strange that one person can make one so happy. (Even) going out to Costco is an adventure with her. Who knew that was possible?"

And Sivan adds, "I want to be with Kevin for the rest of my life... We’ve been through a lot together, in a very short amount of time... If we were able to overcome so much together, I know this is the right time for us to claim our love in front of everyone we love."

Love So Powerful

Friday evening, Rev. Chuck Sisneros, of LoveNotes, and I co-officiated Brittany and Martin’s wedding ceremony at the Northeast Chapel in Hurst, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

You can't beat Martin's vivid description of the first time he saw Brittany. They had decided to go to a Sherlock Holmes movie: "As I entered the movie theatre and looked around, up came a stunning woman in a black leather coat, with long hair, large bright eyes, and a huge smile on her face that lit up the room." Sounds like this "Sherlock" found what he was looking for! (#dadjoke)

So, naturally, after the movie was over, he did what any smitten guy would do to show a girl a good time. This is how Brittany describes it: "Afterwards we went to Walmart. Martin needed to buy some sandwich items so he could have lunch ready for work. He now says that he wanted to spend more time with me but he could not think of anywhere else and he really did need sandwich bread."

 

Interestingly, as their relationship progressed, Martin discovered that it was not sandwich bread that was missing. It was something else. Eventually, he says he discovered that it was Brittany. He says that he came to realize, that "She fills the void of everything that was missing..." And so, looking back, Martin says something fascinating, "I... believe this is where my... apathetic life ended, and my happiness began anew."

Why do I say that is fascinating? Because it implies that (unlike with the sandwich bread) before his relationship with Brittany, he didn't feel like anything was missing. It is only upon meeting her, and their relationship progressing, that he made that discovery. Once he did, his whole perspective on life, not just as Brittany's partner, but as an individual, changed.

This is reminiscent of the second creation story in Genesis: "And the Lord God said: 'It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him.'” Now, pay attention to the words; it's not Adam that says this. He's fine, or rather thinks he's fine. However, once she is created, what does Adam say, "This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh." Now, he knows what he had been missing all along; he knows the void, and what or rather who has filled it.

In the Jewish tradition, we bless the bride and groom that they find happiness like that of the first couple. What do we mean, specifically? We pray that the love of the couple be so powerful, that it seem to her, that he is the only man in the world, as Adam was to Eve, and that it seems to him, that she is the only woman in the world, as Eve was to Adam. Brittany says something very similar about why she wants to marry Martin, "I want to get married to Martin because I love him with all my heart and I don’t see myself with anyone else."

I Always Believed in Love

Midday Sunday, I officiated Kate and Jim’s wedding ceremony at their home, in Frisco, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

The story of how Kate and Jim became a couple, once they met, is like out of a romance novel. (Ladies, you can explain to your guy friends what those are later.) It truly was one of those stories of love at first sight, or more accurately, first interaction. Their initial date, per the laws of online dating, was only supposed to be a brief "meet and greet". The chemistry was so incredible, though, that it turned into dinner and a long deep discussion into the night.

Don't take my word for it. Listen to Jim: "Our first date was magical and as close to love at first sight as it can get." Kate is - I'm sure this will shock you - more verbose: "I felt a surge and connection immediately upon looking into Jim’s eyes! Our first plan was to just have a drink, but we both agreed that we had a very special chemistry and decided to spend the whole evening together. We shared our life stories, and found ourselves immediately moving closer physically and emotionally that evening. It was a freezing cold evening, but my heart was glowing warmth. When Jim walked me to my car that night, and we kissed goodbye, I knew I was falling fast!" Is that beautiful or what?

There is great beauty in the story of two lovers, say in their mid-twenties, who come together in the bond of marriage, and so what I will say next should not be misconstrued as diminishing that at all. However, there is a unique and unmatched beauty in the love story of two seasoned (don't call us old; we are not) individuals like Kate and Jim, who have found such hope and loving friendship together.

Love stories like Kate and Jim's inspire me. Why? Because it is so very human. The fate of humanity, is to experience loss. That is the nature of our species, and every other species. However, what sets us humans apart is that we need not surrender to fate.

We have a choice. Regardless of what the universe throws at us, we still can choose how to react to that situation. It's not easy, but we can choose what to do next. Kate and Jim each made a choice. Kate, again, shockingly, is more descriptive. (I'm really happy she is coming out of her shell!) "I always believed in love and became hopeful that I could love and trust again. I started dating..."

That choice to look fate in the eye, and choose your destiny, is what brings us here today. As Jim says, "I want to marry Kate now because I love her, and we both want to take our relationship to the next stage... to bind and bond our relationship to each other." And as Kate says, "Once we fell in love, we both felt that life is too short and unpredictable to wait to take our love to the next level."

Forever Love

Saturday evening, Rev. Tom Robbins and I co-officiated Danielle and Chris’s wedding ceremony at the Four Seasons Resort and Club Dallas at Las Colinas, in Irving, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Imagine, you handed in a screenplay for a rom-com. (Guys, those are those movies you only see a quarter of, because you're fast asleep twenty minutes in.) The story is about an Oklahoma gal and a Texas guy, who fall in love. You set the scene for their first interaction on a ranch in Texas. And, it's Texas Independence Day. And, he's wearing cowboy boots. And, he's teaching her how to shoot. Oh, and the scene ends a month in, and they each both know that this is it, this is their soulmate! Likely, you'd get a note back, telling you to rewrite, because that scene was just too "on the nose". Well, folks, truth IS stranger than fiction, because that scene brought us here today. This is for REAL! Sometimes (guys, this is at the end of the rom-com, when your girl is shaking you to wake up), fairy tales do come true.

Now, I always ask couples why they want to get married and why now. Chris's answer for the why now question (I am not making this up) had something partially to do with football schedules. For the why question, which he was ready to answer a month in, here is part of his answer: "She was the most beautiful girl I’d ever spoken with, she was so easy to talk to that I was spilling my guts constantly left and right, and she was very witty. I hadn’t ever found a girl with that combination, so I knew she was the one."

Now, the one downside of rom-coms and fairy tales is the assumption of "happily ever after." What do I mean? Well, life isn't happier ever after. Life has challenges. Marriage has challenges. And you need to be there for each other, through those challenges. Rachel Platten puts it so well in a recent song:

"Hands, put your empty hands in mine...

If your wings are broken

Please take mine so yours can open too

'Cause I'm gonna stand by you...
I'll be your eyes when yours can't shine...
And when you can't rise, well, I'll cry with you on hands and knees...
Even if we're breaking down, we can find a way to break through. Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through hell with you..."

Well, not to keep in suspense, but Danielle and Chris totally get this! Listen to Danielle: "Being with Chris thus far has exceeded those expectations and really has shown me that he is my forever love. I love sharing my life with him and can’t wait to continue that (whether they are happy or sad moments) and experience life moving forward with him. I think that marriage is... one of the best support systems that life offers, and when going through a difficult time, just knowing that we have each other to share and ease our burdens is something I’ve always desired. I love that marriage means you... love your spouse selflessly and unselfishly, and I have no doubt that Chris is able to fulfill that... Hell, he already does!"

My Person

Saturday afternoon, Rev. Jay Hutchinson and I co-officiated Michelle and Max’s wedding ceremony at the St. Andrew's School in Middletown, Delaware. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Michelle and Max introduced me to a new and fascinating term that relates to love and friendship. Listen to how they describe their relationship, and how their love brought them here today:

Michelle says, "I want to marry Max because I know he is my person. He understands me, I understand him and it just works. It isn’t always easy – but I know we can get through the hard times together because we have already been tested and our relationship only gets stronger from it. He has... a big heart and makes me laugh all the time. I feel safe, loved and understood."

My person was a new concept to me. I thought perhaps it was just a term Michelle used. Then I read Max's words: "Michelle, in addition to being undeniably quirky, is one of the most caring people I’ve ever met. She also doesn’t judge me or anybody else, and accepts people’s flaws with grace and compassion. I don’t know when I realized that she was my person, but I realized early on that this one was different. We complement each other so well, which I think is somewhat rare in relationships. We are very different from each other, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. That’s why it works... We strengthen and support each other, and work as a team better than any couple I know."

There it was again, that term, my person. Now, this couple is probably one of the smartest and most creative I have worked with, so I was not surprised they would introduce me to a new term. I felt like I needed to understand exactly what they meant. So, I went to that fount of all wisdom; no, not the Bible, the Internet. 

Here is one of the best explanations I found, written by Faith Fishkin: "The term my person originated from the show 'Grey's Anatomy.' My own personal definition is the person you go to for everything, the person you can't live without, the person you can't stay mad at, and the person that supports you in everything that you do."

I love that. When two people decide to marry, you know they are in love with each other. That almost goes without saying. However, you also hope they are friends. In fact, if you sense that they are just lovers, but not friends, that may not bode well for their marriage. Friendship in this case is like the foundation of a house. You have to have a foundation to build your love on. 

At least, that is how I would have put it until now. Really, though, I realize that is just not nearly enough. You need a foundation stronger than that. You need the mutual understanding that Michelle and Max bring to their relationship. You need to be each other's person. 

In fact, though Fishkin points out that your person can be entirely separate and apart from your romantic relationship, the rest of what she says sounds like the ideal marriage. "Being someone's person is a commitment," Fishkin says, "...Being called someone's person is an absolute honor. It means you are the person's 'go-to'. Your friendship has no limits, you will be best friends and each other's person until the day you die, and even then, the friendship is too strong to end…"

That, my friends, is what Michelle and Max share. We should all be so lucky.