A Jew, a Christian, a Hindu and a Muslim

Every now and then people ask me what my favorite wedding was. I’m smart enough not to answer that one, LOL. (If I officiated your wedding, you know it was yours!) Of course, most memorable is a very different issue, because some circumstances are different than others.

Roshni and Kelly were originally going to have a small wedding ceremony in April. With the situation as fluid as it is, they decided to move things up. They called me Saturday to ask if I could officiate their wedding on Sunday.

I first texted back to verify that they would be following CDC guidelines and the rules the Governor put in place of limiting social gatherings to 10 people. They were doing even better; there would be no more than six people there, including me and a photographer.

When I spoke with them Saturday, Kelly joked that we should find an open mosque, because a rabbi marrying a Hindu and a Christian in a mosque would mean we had our bases completely covered.

Luckily, the photographer they found (pictured below), also on Saturday, Urooj of Urooj Photography, is not only extremely talented, but a Muslim!

So, yes, on Sunday, in the shadow of COVID-19, a Jew, a Christian, a Hindu and a Muslim did NOT walk into a bar, nor could they because all bars are closed. Instead, they went to Adriatica Village and the Christian and the Hindu walked out of there married!

True Essence

This last Sunday, I officiated Alex and Max’s wedding ceremony at the Filter Building, Dallas, Texas. (The wedding was held in a fashion that conformed to health guidelines in place at that time.) Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

In fairy tales characters sometimes use a test to discover their true love. Think of the glass slipper in Cinderella. Even the Bible includes a test that our matriarch Rebecca was put through to see if she was worthy for our patriarch Isaac. And, of course, no less a cultural icon than Madonna famously sang, “Put your love to the test.”

Now, Alex doesn’t describe what she put Max through as a test, but it sounds awfully similar. Spoiler alert, in case you were unclear on what we were doing here today, he passed. Listen to Alex:

“On our third or fourth date, he came over to my house for some drinks after we had gone out to dinner. I already knew I was really into Max, but as it turned out, my dog was OBSESSED with him. She would not leave him alone and insisted on sitting on the couch next to him with her head on his shoulder for most of the time he was over. It was not just Maddie’s obvious love for Max that made me start to realize how amazing he was, but Max’s reaction to Maddie really stole my heart. He was so sweet with her and just pet her while she totally invaded his personal space. He even let her kiss his face, which I have since found out he is not that big a fan of.”

Now, you might wonder why this theme that Alex and Max exhibited early in their relationship is found so frequently in literature, be it fairy tales, scripture or songs by Eighties pop singers, who have since adopted weird British accents. It’s simple, really. We may court differently today than we did 35 years ago, in medieval Europe or in Biblical times, however the goal is the same: We are trying to present OURSELVES in the best possible light, while discovering the true essence of the other person, which seems like an exercise at cross purposes with itself. So, we’re not trying to trap or trick the other person, we just want to know their true selves.

Then, ideally, when we find that person whose true essence is good and kind and well reflects and complements ours, we too can be ourselves. This is what Alex and Max found. Don’t take my word for it, listen to Max:

“I genuinely feel at ease and like my true self around Alex. This is not a small deal, as I am pretty introverted... There are very few people I feel that level of comfort with... I am drained after significant interaction, but Alex does not drain me. In fact, Alex does the opposite of drain me. She relaxes and reassures me when I need it, and she inspires and energizes me when I need that...”

Max has had the same effect on Alex: “I feel like my confidence has grown since I’ve been with him because he has made me more comfortable with being myself and realizing that what I am thinking is worthy of being stated or heard, even if I feel that it is not good enough to say out loud.”

This type of relationship is so deep that it is embodied by what Max says, but what you know is a mutual feeling: “Alex is totally comfortable with who I am. This is related to feeling comfortable being my true self around her. She sees and knows me more than anyone and she loves me for who I am...” My friends, we should all be so lucky.

Spiritual Reverence

Friday evening, I officiated Jess and Daniel’s wedding ceremony at Event1013 in Plano, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

One of the things that struck me about Jess and Daniel, from the first moment I met them, is that they are very spiritual people. As Daniel says, “I’m still on this spiritual journey of faith.” This journey has been nourished by their relationship. As Jess says, “When I met Daniel his love for God shined so bright. And I started knowing God through my relationship with Daniel.” In that context, Daniel’s framing of the genesis of as well as the ongoing aspects of their relationship is instructive. “Meeting Jess has been a blessing. I’m excited to see where our path will take us,” he says.

There is something profound in the second half of that statement. You see, in marriage we affirm that not only does the I of today love the you of today, but that my love of you and my knowledge of you makes me confident enough to state that the I of tomorrow will love the you of tomorrow just as deeply. In marriage we affirm that though we cannot predict the future, our love will remain, and the blessing shall endure. 

This is just one of the reasons the Ancient Rabbis saw God’s work in this process. They arrived at this through asking a question: In the Bible, God is extremely busy in a very visible way. He’s creating the world and striking the Egyptians with plagues. He’s parting the Red Sea first and the River Jordan next. He’s raining fire on Elijah’s altar, and saving his servant, Daniel, from the lions. He doesn’t really do any of that flashy stuff anymore. What has he been doing with his time, ask the Rabbis?

They tell us that he spends most of his time playing matchmaker, helping soulmates, like Jess and Daniel, find each other, so they may fall in love, build relationships together, and marry.

The timing of Jess and Daniel’s wedding follows a meaningful spiritual tradition too. Jews in the Russian Empire were confined to a specific area called the Pale of Settlement. They lived in the shtetls, small villages, immortalized in Fiddler on the Roof. They could not own land and were confined to mostly low-paying professions, which kept many of them in perpetual poverty, if not outright serfdom.

It was, therefore, not uncommon to marry on Friday afternoon, so the usual festive Friday night Sabbath meal could double as the festive meal that accompanies a wedding. This is what we might call today a money saving hack.

There was and is, however, something very spiritually appropriate about this timing too. In fact, every Friday night, Jews the world over greet the Sabbath as a bride, with these words of a medieval mystical poem, “Come my friend, toward the bride; let us greet the Sabbath.” Indeed, The Sabbath enriches and restores a person’s soul, as does marriage, and marriage gives us a taste of paradise, as does the Sabbath.

Jess and Daniel, what we wish for you is that the same spiritual reverence with which you enter your marriage and enter tonight’s Sabbath remain with you, that it continue to enrich your souls and that through it you receive your own taste of paradise. 

There’s an App for That!

Sunday afternoon, I officiated Christie and Alan’s wedding ceremony at the Verona Villa, in Frisco, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

How did we arrive here today? Like in most cases today, through an app that connected Christie and Alan. No judgment, but at this point in history, if a couple didn’t meet through an app, people raise an eyebrow. What? You met at a bar/at work/at the gym?! How eclectic!

Of course, there is some dispute regarding where the app was, and who used it, in this case. Christie and Alan say it was on their phone, and they used it. Alan’s mom disagrees. She says the app was a little more analog, shall we say, and it was all her doing. That’s right; she followed an ancient Jewish custom and placed a written prayer request on a note in the crevices of the Western Wall in Jerusalem. Now, I haven’t seen the analytics on that specific app, but if history is any indication, it’s way better than any Mickey Mouse phone app, so put me down in mom’s column on this question!  

Now, going a little analog, shall we say, is a theme in the maturation of Christie and Alan into the well-rounded persons they are today. They both admit that they were a little hard charging, before they learned to slow down. 

Christie says, “All through college I worked, I studied, I grew into the person I was working to be. I never took a summer off. I squeezed my entire bachelor’s into three years and graduated having already worked a year into my first job. I always felt like I had to be ahead of my peers. Most likely, because I had this drive to become the best version of myself, I could be. And to me, that was limitless, and still is very much today... 

Today, I still strive for the future, because it is so damn exciting, but also, I have… learned to find peace in the now. I have recently learned to slow down, enjoy the little things and the big things that life throws at us. From every ‘I love you’ from Alan to every morning run…”

Alan says, “Being so family centric put me on the road to search for someone to love from an early age. Thoughts like, ‘One day I’ll have a strong, healthy, respectful love with my wife, like my parents do, to raise a happy family…’ were deeply ingrained in me from an early age…” As a consequence, he says, “Throughout my relationships over the years I attempted to force myself to fall in love… I failed in each attempt and burned out.”

So, Alan gave it a three year hiatus, and then due to whatever app it was that connected him to Christie, he says, “I decided to go with the flow (which is very unlike me) and that is where I found my soon-to-be wife.” He adds that when Christie arrived at their first date, “I thought she was too pretty to be my date, but when she came up to me and confirmed that she was, in fact my date, I was stunned. The date went exceedingly well; we had a wonderful conversation and were even approached by an elderly couple asking what anniversary we were celebrating because we looked so happy together.” That definitely qualifies as old school analog!

So, the lesson for today is pretty simple, friends, follow the example of Christie and Alan: Plan for the future, do your very best to make it happen, but don’t forget to slow down and go with the flow. That type of balanced approach will take you far…

My Person

Saturday evening, I officiated Brooke and Eric’s wedding ceremony at the Dallas/Plano Marriott at Legacy Town Center in Plano, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

I always ask couples how they found me. Sometimes they went searching on the internet, sometimes their wedding planner referred them to me, and sometimes a friend recommended me. And, sometimes, they were actual guests at a wedding I officiated. That is how Brooke and Eric found me. I officiated their friends, Rachel and Mark’s wedding.

Here is where things get really interesting, though. They, specifically, cited something I said during these personal remarks that they felt described not only Rachel and Mark, but them too. That is the concept of someone being, “my person.”

Faith Fishkin writes, “The term ‘my person’ originated from the show ‘Grey’s Anatomy.’ My own personal definition is the person you go to for everything, the person you can’t live without, the person you can’t stay mad at, and the person that supports you in everything that you do. Being someone’s ‘person’ is a commitment. There is a very big difference between being someone’s boyfriend/girlfriend/best friend and being someone’s person. When someone is your person, you have such a deep connection and understanding of one another -- you pretty much know each other like the back of your hand.”

Now, true enough, your “person” need not necessarily be the same as your romantic partner. However, sometimes, as is the case with Brooke and Eric, you hit the jackpot, and you get both in one tidy package.

One way in which to use Fishkin’s words, Brooke and Eric support each other in everything they do is in their approach to their Judaism. You see, there can be different approaches to following your faith tradition. You can follow it because you believe God told you to. You can follow it because it is part of your tradition.

However, there is an approach that takes this one step further. Some people ask, why did God tell me to do this or what utility is there in observing this thing that is part of my tradition? Brooke and Eric ask this question. Brooke speaks for both of them, when she gives this answer: “My involvement in the Jewish community… has helped me understand the importance of community and the power of being with others in our tradition. It is through my Judaism that I have learned to do acts of kindness and mitzvot on a daily basis. In the future, I hope to expand my roots and I pray that Eric and I will be able to pass these values onto our children. As the years go on, I look forward to continuing to live a meaningful life elevated by my Judaism.”

My friends, let us all find inspiration in these words, and let us strive for, in Brooke’s words, “a meaningful life elevated,” by whatever tradition, philosophy or approach we live by.

What Hath God Wrought

Saturday evening, Father Aaron Pidel and I co-officiated Sarah and Adam’s wedding ceremony at Immaculate Conception Jesuit Church, in New Orleans, Louisiana. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guest:

I love origin stories. Faiths have origin stories. Many of you will celebrate your faith’s origin story, from 2,000 years ago, in just four days. Nation-states have origin stories. Many of you will celebrate the origin story of an independent Jewish nation-state in Judea, beginning tomorrow night for eight days and nights.

Relationships have origin stories, too. And like origin stories of faiths and nation-states, recollections and retellings of those stories sometimes differ and sometimes complement each other. Sarah and Adam’s story is a case in point.

Here is how Adam describes it: “I was lucky enough to go on a date with Sarah. We had had a few mutual friends, and we quickly went from casually seeing one another to very seriously dating over a few months.” Simple, crisp, to the point.

Now, Adam leaves out what led to that date, and in his telling he was just lucky. Sarah goes way deeper. It’s not luck; it’s something else: “I came upon Adam. Something made me stop... I think... someone from up above intervened… He looked very handsome and had a great smile.” So, she asked him out.

Little did Sarah know; her thought was well grounded in theology. The Ancient Rabbis many centuries ago made an observation that made them scratch their heads: In the Bible, God is extremely busy in a very visible way. He’s creating the world and striking the Egyptians with plagues. He’s parting the Red Sea first and the River Jordan next. He’s raining fire on Elijah’s altar, and saving his servants, Shadrach, Meishach and Abed-Nigo, from the fiery furnace. He doesn’t really do any of that flashy stuff anymore. What has he been doing with his time, ask the Rabbis?

They tell us that he spends most of his time playing matchmaker, helping soulmates find each other, so they may fall in love and build relationships together. So, though the saying, “God is love,” might sound new-agey and like some kind of pop-theology, it’s not.

Now, check out what Paul Harvey would call, “the rest of the story,” or as the prophet Bilam put it, “What hath God wrought.”

Adam says, “Sarah... is my partner, my encouragement, and my source of strength. She makes me better, gives me unbridled confidence, and provides steadiness in my life... I know that I can count on her, I know that we share similar ideals... and I know that she accepts me as I am. I met her right after one of the lowest points in my adult life, and since then we have supported each other continuously... I cannot see myself with a better partner to live out the rest of my life.”

And Sarah says, “We have now been together for 5 years... We have celebrated triumphs... We also were together for tragedies... It really brought us closer... We have seen each other at our best and at our worst. I know that this is the man I want by my side for the rest of my life.”

Down Pat

Saturday evening, I officiated Julie and Adam’s wedding ceremony, at Marie Gabrielle, in Dallas, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

This is hardest part of writing a wedding ceremony around and with a couple. Julie and Adam made it easy though, because they address the reasons for why they want to do what they are about to do so cogently. Interestingly, and if you know them this will not floor you, they both include lists. (By the way, Adam’s list utilizes numbers and Julie’s utilizes bullet points, and I’m sure some doctoral student in psychology could explain that part…)

Adam, helpfully, cautions that this is just a teaser, since his vows and toast will include more. And he admits, “There was no single moment when I knew I had fallen in love with Julie, when I knew I wanted her to be my life partner. It, sort of, snuck up on me, and one day, I just knew that I was in love. I had several epiphanies that made me realize it.” Here comes the list, and I am abridging parts here, or we’d be here all night:

“1. Nothing makes me happier than when I’m able to make Julie smile or laugh. I get so much joy from seeing her be happy. Realizing this was perhaps the #1 sign that told me I was in love and ready… The rewards from seeing that smile are endless 

2. As someone who travels Monday-to-Thursday every week, I started to realize: I missed her… I became so excited to come home on Thursday evenings, not just to be home, but because I would get to see her. I couldn’t wait to walk in the door and give her a hug. It’s a feeling I’ve never had with anyone else. 

3. Julie loves me for who I am. I’m a quirky person, but Julie has never tried to change that. She indulges my love of board games and Game of Thrones. She tolerates – and even supports – my 5am wake-up calls so I can run for 3 hours on Saturday mornings. She attends my reunions with my business school crew… She embraces my quirks and passions…” 

Now, I am probably not the only one who has observed that Julie and Adam are mature beyond their years. So, the first thing Julie says won’t surprise you: “I used to think that the definition of love was infinite closeness—knowing everything about another person and intertwining your lives completely. I’ve realized since that partnership requires some distance, to appreciate each other’s gifts and give each other room to grow as individuals… I don’t feel like I need to know everything about Adam before committing to spend my life with him... (because) Adam is extremely consistent. He has a strong moral compass and lives by these beliefs.” Then she lists four examples in bullet points: 

“• Adam is a feminist. He once turned down an opportunity for additional visibility and recognition at work and insisted that the opportunity be offered to a female colleague. 

• Adam thinks it’s important to show up for his friends. At any birthday or bachelor party, Adam can be counted on to fall asleep on the floor or couch, because he wants to stay until the bitter end with the guest of honor. 

• Adam is an environmentalist. He wrote an essay in middle school about why gas-guzzling SUVs should be banned, and is a Prius driver today. 

• Adam believes in putting the needs of others above his own. When I was flying out to Cuba after we’d been dating for a few months, he insisted on driving me to the airport at 4am, even though he had barely slept all week. When I travel for weekend trips, I have several times come home to find that he grocery shopped for me and made my lunches for the week…”  

That last part might be the most important lesson for marriage. The Ancient Rabbis ask what commandment one fulfills simply through the act of marriage. They answer, “Love your neighbor as yourself,” the essence of which is putting the needs of the other, in this case your spouse, above your own needs. Sounds like Julie and Adam have that one down pat.