Duty, Honor, Country

On Sunday, September 22, 2024, I officiated Alisa and Chris’ wedding ceremony, via Zoom, in Hofu, Japan. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Alisa and Chris are very matter of fact about how they or rather where they met. You might think, maybe they don’t realize that having met at United States Military Academy, known by us mere mortals as West Point, is a big deal. That is not my impression of them or of anyone who attends West Point. 

The very first time I spoke to Alisa, after all, she shared a fun fact about the USMA: half the first graduating class was Jewish. You might think that this is extraordinary given the small number of Jews in America at that time. Not really. The entire graduating class, she told me, were two students. That is a good warning never to let percentages throw you off. 

So, why are Alisa and Chris and many others who attend West Point so matter of fact about it? I believe this stems from their motto and honor code. The motto is simple, “Duty, Honor, Country.” The honor code is simple too, “A cadet will not lie, cheat, steal, or tolerate those who do.”

What lies at the core of these terse sayings? The same simple idea that lies at the core of most religions: It’s not about you. When reading these words, one cannot help but be reminded of the words of the 35th president, who had some difficulty with people getting past his religion, “Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.”

Now, you might be wondering, rabbi, seriously, what does this have to do with marriage? That is actually simple too, and you can see it in how Alisa and Chris treat each other. The deepest core idea of marriage is that it is not about you; it is about your spouse. And if you follow that, like Alisa and Chris do, you really have it made.

Challenge Each Other

On Friday, August 23, 2024, I officiated Helen and Pavlo’s wedding ceremony at Esma Sultan Yalisi in Istanbul, Turkey. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

To say that Helen and Pavlo have dissident backgrounds might be the understatement of understatements. 

Helen says about her grandparents, that despite their distaste for organized religion, Jewish culture did play a significant role in their household and ethics. They were active in the anti-war and civil rights movement and had a strong sense of social responsibility. They were friends with members of the Black Panthers, Angela Davis, and Howard Zinn. They hosted Martin Luther King at their house in California a few weeks before he was killed. 

Jewish culture motivated this in many ways. They began a group called Individuals Against the Crime of Silence to oppose the war in Vietnam. Their reference point was the Holocaust and the Nuremberg Trials, and the fact that following orders or remaining silent could render an individual culpable.

Pavlo was raised Greek Catholic. His church was persecuted during the Soviet period and continued to exist underground. His paternal grandfather studied theology in the 1930s and was in touch with many clandestine church leaders. Pavlo’s father was part of the clandestine movement that was advocating for freedom of religion, human rights, and independence of Ukraine. 

In 1986 (Pavlo was 3 years old at that time) their home was searched, and his father was arrested. His parents were clandestinely married, and Pavlo was clandestinely baptized by a priest who had previously spent more than a decade in a Siberian prison and forced exile. So, for his family, their religious and national tradition is important; it is something they personally fought for. 

Pavlo presciently adds, “Perhaps there is a parallel between the Jews and Ukrainians—two peoples who survived while being under oppression, and who kept their traditions while lacking, for centuries, political sovereignty.” 

To many of you attending today, and to many who could not attend, this is not some kind of theoretical idea. It is very real. As we speak, Ukraine, under a Jewish president, fights not only for its political sovereignty, but for its life and the lives of its citizens.

And Helen and Pavlo have found the similarities and differences they share on an individual level just as enriching. They will tell you that they have spent days discussing faith and religion and Judeo-Christian relations. They disagree on most issues, which, to a large extent, helps them see things deeper, and ask questions they would have never asked otherwise.

They have both influenced one another and incorporated the other’s views into our own, even when they disagree. Helen’s Jewish background and her attention to her cultural heritage and traditions helps Pavlo understand many things about Christianity, which grew from a Jewish context. After all, Jesus was Jewish, not Ukrainian. Many parts of the Eastern Christian wedding liturgy were inspired by Jewish sources. So, in a sense, Helen’s secular Judaism and Pavlo’s Christianity are complementary—as are many of their other character traits, backgrounds, and tastes. 

Helen and Pavlo, may you continue to challenge each other to more clearly articulate your positions, may you continue to deeply respect one another, and may you always have fun in the process.

A Life-Long Adventure

On Tuesday, June 25, 2024, Don Maurizio Ormas and I co-officiated Micol and Federico’s wedding ceremony in Italian at Castelo Del Pozzo, outside Milan, Italy. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

One of the fascinating things about Micol and Federico is that the interfaith nature of their lives does not begin with them. They both have Christians and Jews in their families. Thus, it was natural for Micol’s family to mark Christmas, when she was growing up. 

Incidentally, I believe that every Jew should mark Christmas, as it celebrates a unique occurrence in Jewish history: the birth of the only Jewish boy who ever lived up to his mother’s expectations…

Seriously, though, one thing that really stands out about Micol and Federico is their deep sense of connection to their past. We often think of community in what one might call a horizontal sense, those we connect with today. However, community also has a vertical sense, our connections with our families and ancestors long gone. 

When I asked Micol to write about herself and Federico, more than half of what she wrote was about her family, recounting both at length the trials and triumphs of her grandparents, Enzo, Luisa, Ettore and Zaira.

Similarly, Federico took the time to explain what he called his roots, that while international, still harken back to different regions of your beautiful ancient land, the province of Messina and a tiny village in Piedmont.

Now, the connection to the past, in and of itself, is rather neutral. It can be used for evil, and you, in Italy, know that better than we do in America. It can also be used for good, and this is how this connection has manifested in Micol and Federico’s lives. 

This is how Giovanna and Franco raised Federico. This is how Lorella and Riccardo raised Micol. As Micol says, “They taught me and my sister the concept of RESPECT. Yes, we are Jewish, but we always respected both faiths. It has always been an exchange, never a prevarication and I really think that there is no greater teaching than this. This is what the concept of family means to me. This is how I imagine my future life with Federico, building our own family.”

It is this sense of great love and respect that brought us to this moment. As Federico says, “That is why I asked her to marry me. That is why I want to spend my life with her. This is the beginning of a life-long adventure.”

A Stoic/Rabbinic Virtue

On Saturday, March 2nd, Casey Grounds and I co-officiated Ross and Chad’s wedding ceremony at The Springs in Waxahachie, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

You really can’t make up how Ross and Chad’s love story begins. I don’t mean how they met; I mean their actual falling in love. Ross says: “Sounds kinda unorthodox, but I knew I first fell in love with Chad after spending time with each other and realizing I didn’t mind him breathing on me. Some context: Having people breathe on my face/neck is a big pet peeve of mine.” LOL, as the kids might say!

Truthfully, though, Ross and Chad’s story is a truly beautiful one. They met the old-fashioned way, IRL, specifically at a gaming convention. They more than noticed each other, but were dating others at the time, so it was not to be. 

Chad picks up the story from there: “We both ended the aforementioned relationships around the same time and when I returned from a dance competition early on Memorial Day weekend in 2015, I called him to set up a dinner date. I was IMMEDIATELY smitten. I did not want to push things too much but many of my friends and students can tell you that I was literally floating around for about the next 6-9 months!”

They became a couple and moved in together, but then came another stroke of luck/challenge. Ross fulfilled a dream of getting into dental school. In San Antonio. Ouch. They made the long-distance relationship work, though, and reunited upon Ross’s graduation. 

Ross says: “Chad proposed my first day working as a dentist while we were on a date at the same place we had our very first date, Kura Sushi. It felt like a long time coming, after being together for seven years and with a deep love for each other to this day.”

Now, hopefully you have picked up on this by this point in the ceremony, but Chad is Jewish. What you may not know is that Ross follows an ancient tradition too, Stoicism. And what Ross did not realize until I wrote these remarks is that I follow that tradition too. 

I was struck by this passage in the Epistles of Seneca (one of the three great Roman Stoics, along with Epictetus and Marcus Aurelius), because it seems to describe Ross and Chad and their relationship so beautifully: “Nature bore us related to one another … She instilled in us a mutual love and made us compatible … Let us hold everything in common; we stem from a common source. Our fellowship is very similar to an arch of stones, which would fall apart, if they did not reciprocally support each other.”

The Ancient Rabbis, like the Stoics, focused on virtue and action. They ask a question about love that might sound odd to us but would make much sense to the Stoics: What commandment does one fulfill through loving one’s romantic partner? Easy, say the Rabbis, “Love your fellow as yourself.” (Side note: In the Rabbis’ wording both partners are men.) Ross and Chad, what we wish for you is that you continue to enjoy the fulfillment of this Stoic/Rabbinic virtue for many many years to come.

A Heavenly Algorithm

Last Friday I officiated Daisy and Samuel’s trilingual wedding ceremony at The Springs (the Ranch) in Aubrey, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests: 

Samuel says this about the genesis of this relationship: “Daisy and I met on Facebook Dating. We spoke back and forth for a few weeks and then made plans to meet. Unfortunately, Daisy canceled on me twice, which, of course, I still give her a playful hard time about to this day.”

Now, in a way, the genesis of their relationship is actually before that. Check out this almost mystical statement from Daisy: “As cheesy as it sounds, before I met Samuel, I prayed a lot for him. I prayed that I would find an honest, caring, sweet, loving man. A man that would not only be my partner but my best friend.” Wow.

Daisy describes their first date, and again there is something almost mystical about her description: “We finally agreed to meet… It was after a snowstorm. He was so sweet, making sure I was okay to drive. I've never been so nervous when meeting someone but with him it was different. So different that I was literally shaking when handing him something. Once we sat down and started chatting my nervousness went out the door. Samuel has the ability to make everyone feel calm. I felt like I knew him for a long time.”

Daisy’s excitement which turned into calm taps into a Jewish mystical tradition. The Ancient Rabbis believed that while we are still embryos, a heavenly voice proclaims who we will marry. We then wander the world in search of that person. Maybe if there was Facebook Dating 2,000 years ago, they would have called it a heavenly algorithm. And so, when we meet our soulmate, we may think that this is just random, but really we are predestined to meet.  

Samuel reiterates this very idea: “I believe with all honesty that Daisy is my other half. Every time we are together, I feel comfortable, and I can always be myself. She is so beautiful inside and out. She is determined, hard-working, honest, and loving. There has never been another that I’ve felt so deeply for. I know she is the one for me and the one I want to spend my life with. I can’t imagine a better time to make that a real thing.”

Dharma and Tikkun Olam

Sunday evening, I officiated Krishna and Shimon’s wedding ceremony at The Springs (the Lodge) in Aubrey, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Have you ever heard someone say, “Wow, that’s a strong name!” Well, Krishna and Shimon, those are both strong names. A Hindu deity marrying one of the twelve tribes of Israel; how cool is that!

One of the fascinating facts about these two strong individuals is that through their upbringing, they were able to learn the deeper meanings of their faiths. Not surprisingly, though their faith is different in origin since we are all human, they arrived at similar understandings of the world around them and were able to arrive at similar moral worldviews. 

Krishna tells us: “I have realized that the teachings and lessons from the stories (I grew up with) mattered more than the stories themselves. Hindu legends are all about stories of being a good human being and treating everyone with respect – the idea that we are all connected in our souls to all creatures in the universe.” 

In this, Krishna echoes one of the most basic concepts in Hinduism, Dharma. According to Oxford University’s Gavin Flood, “Dharma means 'duty', 'virtue', 'morality'… and it refers to the power which upholds the universe and society… Dharma is the power that maintains society, it makes the grass grow, the sun shine, and… gives humans the opportunity to act virtuously.”

And Shimon tells us: “I found value in… the broader ideas of Judaism, such as Tikkun Olam (repairing the world), trying to be a good person and (to) make sure that I treat other people and the planet with respect.” 

In his invocation of Tikkun Olam, Shimon echoes even deeper rabbinic teachings. Genesis Raba tells us that the entire reason God gave Israel commandments was to purify people and make them better. And mystical Jewish traditions teach that if there was a moment in the world when no one was studying the Torah it would return to its primordial state.    

Inherent in these traditions is what I started these remarks and all remarks I share at weddings with, the importance of lifelong learning and learning from everyone. Krishna and Shimon have learned from each other and inspired each other to be better human beings.    

Krishna says that “Shimon is one of the kindest people I know, always looking to help others in any way he can. He… pushes me to overcome my fears and expand the boundaries of my comfort zone. He is so self-aware and always willing to work on himself to be a better person and partner… I always want to be a better person when I am around Shimon, and I can truly say I am a better person today because of him. I have loved growing with him over these past few years and feel so lucky that I get to live my life by his side.”

And Shimon says that “Krishna has a unique ability to help me step back and broaden my perspective when I fixate on something, make me feel secure if my confidence wavers, and through her unconditional love and affection, let me know that I am always enough for her. She is my partner and teammate in this game of life, and we both certainly treat life that way… I feel an uplifting bliss in my heart thinking back on our [past adventures]…  and looking forward to the many adventures to come for us… I'm committed to her for life and eager to continue building our future together.”

Such Kindness

Saturday evening, April 22, 2023, Father Dan Clayton and I co-officiated Lindsey and Justin’s wedding ceremony at the Stonebriar Country Club in Frisco, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

There are wonderful movies about weddings. To be honest, there are less than wonderful movies about weddings. The life-cycle event that there is a paucity of movies about is Bar and Bat Mitzvahs. 

There is one exception that proves the rule, and that is Keeping Up with the Steins, a little-known movie with some very well-known stars. The opening scene, which instigates the drama the movie revolves around, has the Bar Mitzvah boy being pulled into the banquet hall by two very attractive women, on a very realistic model of the Titanic’s bow, his hands stretched wide, screaming, “I’m king of the Torah!”

Now, if you thought that Keeping Up with the Steins has no real-life analogue, you are sorely mistaken. In fact, its release date, May 12, 2006, is downright suspicious. Somebody here might be owed some money. 

Here’s Lindsey: “I was bat mitzvahed in August of 2005 at Shearith Israel in Dallas (the theme was Lindsey’s luau, and my uncles and family friends carried me out on a surfboard).” QED, as the attorneys here might say. Folks, this was all a very long and elaborate way of saying that the reception today is gonna be LIT! 

I love this couple’s approach to their faiths. Lindsey says, “I was always spiritually curious. The facts were never good enough. I always wanted the background and history, the why and the how.” 

That is about the most quintessentially Jewish statement I have ever heard. In fact, the foundational book of our faith – no, not the Bible – the Talmud, is basically an edited form of a bunch of guys taking that approach. Incidentally, this helps explain why the second-best profession, as far as Jewish parents are concerned, is lawyer. Doctor is obviously still number one. Sorry, Lindsey. 

Here’s what Justin says, “She inspires me to be a better man, helps me grow in my faith, and never fails to love stronger than anyone I know. I am so excited to enter into this covenant together.” 

Now, if you analyze that at surface level, it might confuse you. You might think that marrying someone of another faith would weaken you in your faith or, at the very least, be neutral in that respect. 

You would be mistaken. I cannot tell you how many of the couples I have worked with have told me something like what Justin did, that their partner of another faith has strengthened their faith. 

How? Here’s the secret: Justin says, “Our marriage is something that Lindsey and I have discerned intensely for quite some time. I wholeheartedly believe that she and I are, at risk of sounding overly cheesy, meant to be.”

In this, Justin, unconsciously invokes a common Jewish folk idea, contained in that rich Yiddish word, bashert. The Oxford Dictionary defines this word, as “a person's soulmate, especially when considered as an ideal or predestined marriage partner.” 

Now, Judaism (and Catholicism) don’t really believe in predestination, but what Lindsey says does make me wonder: “He knows what I need before I do and can read me the way no one has ever been able to.” She does add, “He isn’t too shabby looking either. I am biased but I think he’s gorgeous.” Folks, she ain’t lyin, so as my kids might say, “Nuff said.” Let’s get this show on the road!”

Cheesy But True

Saturday evening, March 18, 2023, I officiated Nicole and David’s wedding ceremony at the Dallas/Plano Marriott at Legacy Town Center in Plano, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

You really can’t beat the story of Nicole and David’s first date in late 2018. David seems to be damning with faint praise when he says, “Nicole made me laugh and didn't ghost me after meeting IRL, so that was a good start.” 

When you hear Nicole's description of that first date, David’s comment makes sense. I will try to get through the entire quote without laughing: “David suggested the bar, Twin Peaks, and I didn’t know what kind of establishment it was, AND he wore sweatpants… but somehow I looked past it and liked him.” 

Ladies, if any of YOU are unfamiliar with this eatery, it makes Hooters look respectable. Nicole may be the first person to refer to it as an “establishment”. If you wrote a first date scene like this in a screenplay, you would get a note back saying, “Not believable enough.” Incidentally, without overemphasizing the tired Mars/Venus dichotomy, no guy, even one unfamiliar with this specific chain, would have any doubt about its nature. I mean, the Tilted Kilt is ambiguous, but here the name kind of gives away the game…

Nicole says that from the beginning she found that they both shared a slightly inappropriate sense of humor. So, naturally, when I asked them to articulate why they want to get married, specifically now, I was unsurprised that Nicole said, “We’ve been together four years, it’s time to lock it in… Biological clock is ticking.” Nor was I surprised that David said, “We aren't getting any younger, and why not?” 

Now I know this is like my third aside, but David’s quote indicates that though he is not Jewish, he is definitely Jew-ish because he answers a question with a question. Why do Jews answer questions with questions? Why not?

Of course, as someone whose sense of humor could be categorized as having the potential to ruin a family gathering myself, I know that such humor usually hides within itself a deeper meaning. 

Nicole says, “I have always been excited about finding the love of my life and getting married… [However] until I met David, I don’t think I really knew what I wanted in a husband or even marriage. Thanks to David, I realize I am excited about a partner – someone who is there beside me each day, lifting me up when I need it, and there for me to lift up when he needs it. Together, we are 100% - always filling in the other person’s missing percentage. I am an extremely independent woman who fears having anyone do anything for me, but David has taught me I don’t have to be and that he is there without me even needing to ask.”

And here is the larger context of the quote from David I mentioned before: “I want to get married to Nicole because she is the person I want to spend my life with. Yes, it's cheesy, but it's true. She loves children and will make a great mother. We aren't getting any younger and why not… Nicole is the person I want to spend my life with as well as create a new life with… Life is precious and not as long as you think. I want to make the most of the limited time we have left on this rock, and I can’t imagine doing it with anyone else.”

Sacrificial Love

Saturday evening, March 11, 2023, Reverend Jerry Smith and I co-officiated Shayna and Harrison’s wedding ceremony at Pineland Place in Moncks Corner, South Carolina. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Coming back to South Carolina is like coming home. I am named for my grandfather, the longest-serving rabbi of Congregation Tree of Life in Columbia and an important figure in Columbia’s civic life in his day. Fun fact: Reverend Jerry’s ministry in Charleston and my grandfather’s ministry in Columbia overlapped by four years.

Here’s what you won’t hear from most people when you say you are going to South Carolina, “Oh, you mean the state that is super prominent in American Jewish History?” And yet South Carolina is way more prominent in American Jewish history than most Jews or South Carolinians realize. 

This state holds the distinction of having been home to Francis Salvador, who was both the first Jewish legislator of the New World as well as the first Jew to die fighting for American Independence. 

This twenty-nine-year-old apparently had ice in his veins. After he was shot, he took the time to (a) inquire if they had won the battle, (b) shake hands with his commander, and (c) bid him farewell. Basically, he was a Jewish badass. 

Now, I’m not saying that the beginning of Shayna and Harrison’s relationship was akin to a firefight. It was way worse. 

Shayna describes it thus: “Harrison and I met in our junior year of high school in honors English, and it was definitely not love at first sight. I actually didn’t like him at all. I thought he was a rude southern boy that had no home training. When we first met, he asked me for a pen to do his classwork, and I told him I only had a pencil. He said that just wasn’t going to work and then proceeded to put his work on my desk and tell me I had to do it for him because I didn’t have a pen for him.” 

Not to make light of a martyr of the Revolution, but as Francis Salvador might have said, “Shots fired.”

Now, if you have figured out that Harrison managed to turn this around, congratulations, Sherlock. We are at their wedding, after all. What intrigued me was the turning point. What is it that began the journey from there to here?

Shayna tells us that it was one very specific thing Harrison did: “One day, he messaged me about another guy I was dating and made sure he was treating me right. That relationship didn’t work out, and Harrison and I started talking and hitting it off.”

He didn’t message her to ask how much she liked the guy she was dating. He didn’t message her to ask if maybe she wanted to look into dating someone else, maybe a guy that lacked writing implements, for instance. He messaged her to make sure that the other guy was treating her right. 

I don’t remember where I learned this; it definitely wasn’t scripture or rabbinic teachings. I think it was Mr. Rogers or Sesame Street. They asked how one could distinguish true love from what was obviously not. The answer? If you care about the other person’s happiness more than your own. That is true love. We might even call this, in a spiritual context, sacrificial love. 

This is true, not just between individuals. One could argue that what was special about Francis Salvador wasn’t that he was a Jewish badass but that what enabled his badassery was love for his country and a belief that it was worthy of his sacrificial love. 

Harrison showed the inkling of that in that interaction, and from there, there was no turning back. This is what exemplifies their relationship today; Shayna and Harrison continue to embody this very idea. They share a true love, a sacrificial love, in which they care about their partner’s happiness more than their own, and that is what marriage is all about.

Pretty Jewish

Saturday afternoon (2/4), I officiated Sharada and Eric’s wedding ceremony at the Andaz Beach House on the Peninsula Papagayo in Costa Rica. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

You must admit that much like this afternoon ceremony, Shar and Eric’s story is pretty Jewish. In their words they, “could be one of those couch couples from When Harry Met Sally.”  It happens entirely in New York. They meet in a bar in the East Village, they drift apart, and it is food that brings them back together. And – you can’t make this up – they have a dog named after an Eastern European Jewish pastry*. 

Of course, the American Jewish experience is more than the stuff of rom-com. It is defined by what Eric says about his Judaism, “I strongly identify as Jewish, and share the values that the religion and my parents instilled in me, the importance of family, tradition, education, kindness, empathy.” Guess what; that description, the importance of family, tradition, education, kindness, and empathy, fits Shar’s upbringing too.

Shar emphasizes that Eric’s description of his upbringing is not just words: “Eric is such a kind, empathetic person, who treated me so wonderfully, that my friends quickly named him ‘Prince Eric.’ I never fully understood where his sweet demeanor came from until I met his parents six months into dating. Howard and Judy were so warm and welcoming. I felt like I was already family. I always love seeing where people came from, and it was such a welcome surprise to know how wonderful his family was. Suddenly Eric Burnett made sense.”

No surprise: Eric fell in love with some of those same qualities in Sharada. He says, “Sharada is smart and hilarious, and tough, and kind. This clearly comes from the closeness she shares with her family. Her parents showed me nothing but warmth and kindness from day one, welcoming me into their home, calling me when I’m sick, and feeding me entirely too many dosas on every visit to California. Her cousins, who are so much more like siblings to her, have become brothers and sisters to me as well. I see characteristics of all of them in Sharada, and it is amazing.”

Family, tradition, education, kindness, and empathy. Not a bad prescription for a happy marriage.

*Their dog’s name is Babka.

Energy, Peace, and Healing

The evening of December 30, 2022, I officiated Alicia and Jonnie’s wedding ceremony at Rancho Shibumi, in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Alicia and Jonnie, in old-school fashion, did not meet through an app. Alicia says: “I was with friends at a bar. Jonnie and I spotted each other across the room and kept making eye contact throughout the night. A girlfriend of mine asked me if there was anyone I had my eye on. I pointed to Jonnie, and she immediately said, ‘I know him,’ and ran over to say hello. I followed her over, Jonnie and I met, and the rest was history.” Jonnie describes the moment in cinematic terms: “Alicia and I spotted each other across the bar, and I think we both immediately just knew.” 

Jonnie elaborates on how this moment was more than a moment: “From the day I met Alicia it was clear that she was special – she had the biggest heart and the most radiant smile… We’ve been through a ton together… and I truly don’t know what I would do without her…” 

Alicia describes the moment they cemented their relationship. A relationship that began with a cinematic moment could only be cemented with another such moment. Naturally, for their engagement, they traveled to the south of France. 

Here is the fascinating thing about the south of France, and I do not know if Alicia and Jonnie were aware of this, but with their religious heritages, I am not sure there could be a more appropriate place for their engagement. 

Though, we, as Americans may not realize this, France is home to the third-largest Jewish population in the world. And Jews the world over interact with the French rabbis of old, daily, in the study of the Torah and Talmud.

Though Alicia and Jonnie identify as Jews and look forward to raising a Jewish family, they also have meaningful connections to Catholicism. Jonnie’s mother grew up Hindu but attended Catholic schools, and Alicia, herself, grew up Catholic.

The south of France has a unique Jewish-Catholic story. As French Jewish life succumbed to ongoing persecution, in one area of France, though not fully spared of prejudice, they were able to persist, under the protection of a unique ruler, the head of the Catholic Church. 

We often forget that the smallest country in the world, today, Vatican City, is a remnant of a much larger territory, which was ruled by the Pope, and which for hundreds of years included the south of France. Even when the Jews were hounded out of France’s other regions, the “Pope’s Jews” as they were nicknamed, remained in that area. 

Under the Pontiff’s protection, they developed a unique dialect and unique religious practices, until they, with the Jews of the rest of France, were fully liberated by Napoleon and began to enjoy Liberté, Egalité, Fraternité.”

And so, part of me imagines that when Alicia says that that trip was one she will never forget, it is not just the romance of a proposal that made her and Jonnie feel that way. Perhaps, with their unique background, their subconscious sensed some of the same “energy, peace, and healing” that Alicia found standing in Jerusalem.

Regardless, without that moment in the former realm of the Pontiff, we would not be standing here today. As Alicia says, “It was the happiest moment of my life. I know the love that we have for each other will only grow more every day.” And Jonnie agrees, “She’s my best friend and I can’t wait for all the new exciting things in store for us together.”

Revealed In a Dream

On Sunday, November 13th, I officiated Rebekah and Kaya’s wedding ceremony at the Texas Renaissance Festival in Todd Mission, Texas. Every wedding I officiate is special. This one was rather unique. The bride and groom dressed as king and queen, most guests were in costume, and I was dressed as a wizard.

For the opening remarks, I shared these words:

Dearly beloved, we have gathered here today

To get through this thing called life

Electric word life it means forever and that's a mighty long time

But I'm here to tell you there's something else…

Now, at this point, you might be wondering a number of things, in no particular order: (a) Why did they circle each other before the wizard started talking? (b) Is it legal in Texas to have a wizard marry you? (c) Isn’t it illegal, outside of his native state of Minnesota, to begin a wedding ceremony with Prince lyrics?

Allow me to ignore b and c and explain a. As Oren, known by most as Kaya, and Rebekah, known by most as Rebekah, came forth, they followed an ancient Jewish tradition and circled each other seven times. This rather theatrical custom was originally designed to ward off evil spirits. Good thing, too, because some of you definitely scare me. It also symbolizes the mutual commitment of Rebekah and Kaya to make each one the center of the other’s world. Indeed, the scholars of Jewish mysticism write that this circling helps the lovers enter the many spheres of each other’s souls.

Friends, the bond and covenant of marriage is an ancient one. It is so old that often the relationship between God and Israel is analogized to the union of lovers. 

Now, this covenant is not to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly but reverently. That reverence is only enhanced by having your ceremony officiated by a powerful wizard.

Now, I hate interruptions once I really get wound up, so just to ensure there are no shenanigans if any of you can show just cause why they may not be lawfully married, speak now, or else forever hold your peace. (Pause)

Speaking of shenanigans, Rebekah and Kaya, I require and charge you both, if you know any reason why you may not be united in marriage lawfully, you do now confess it. (Pause)

OK, great, I didn’t travel all this way from Dallas in my wizard costume only to return empty-handed. Let’s keep going. Considering that I am not just a powerful wizard but a very wise rabbi, too, I should probably chant something in Hebrew before we move on.

Here are the personal remarks I shared with them and their guests. I modified my standard intro a little:

Friends, our shared traditions embrace lifelong learning and learning from everyone. Now, I know what you are wondering: Is there anything a powerful wizard like me does not already know? No, there isn’t. I’m not talking about me. I’m talking about you. You still have much to learn. So, whenever I officiate a wedding, I ask myself, this couple being unique individuals, what can normal mortals like you learn from them, so listen up. I don’t want to have to repeat myself.

Growing up in an academic household, I attended academic conferences and even read academic papers from a very young age, so I assumed that, naturally, everyone reads footnotes. I was well into my mid-forties when I discovered this was not the case. 

Now, there is little doubt as to the very best footnote ever written. No one comes close to Nicholas Berdyaev in his 1949 essay, The Divine and the Human. Often footnotes will include sources for the ideas the scholar is sharing with their readers. However, rather than citing a specific work, this footnote reads, and yes, it does sound better in the original German: “This was once revealed to me in a dream.” 

Now, you might be wondering why, standing here in a wizard costume, I chose to speak about the absolutely riveting subject of footnotes. It’s a fair question. And, no, the idea to do this was not revealed to me in a dream. It’s totally Rebekah’s fault.

Rebekah says, “I met Kaya in probably the most spiritual way possible. I had a dream about them. Yes, a dream. About two months before I moved to L.A., I had a dream about this bearded tattooed guy, and we instantly connected, and it gave me a lot of insight into where he was in life… 

Right after moving to L.A. I got this message from a circus company, asking if I would be interested in doing a performance… I agreed to meet with them, and I was expecting a girl or a couple, but then in walks the literal man of my dreams…” 

Kaya picks up the story from there, “I recall her face turning white. She seemed stunned. I assumed it [was] because I mentioned via texts jokingly that I was wearing a purple dress so she could [easily] spot me. We had not yet spoken by phone, and apparently, she assumed Kaya was a girl. My joke and her assumption together were a perfect setup for when a bearded and tattooed man introduced himself as Kaya.” Only later did Rebekah reveal to Kaya that he didn’t know the half of it. As you already know by now, like Nicholas Berdyaev, this was, in fact, revealed to her in a dream…

Kaya elaborates on even more magic and wonder that was involved in that first encounter: “One way in which… magic… has manifested in my life is the gift of having met my angel and queen, Rebekah… I [had] reached out to her asking if she would like to play the role of Cleopatra in an upcoming immersive theater project I was directing. What she didn’t reveal to me at the time was that she had an affinity for Cleopatra growing up, and her grandmother even handmade her a beautiful Cleopatra costume as a child…”

I believe that these phenomena are what we call foreshadowing. Here is another bit of foreshadowing for you. Close your eyes (yes, now) and think of what Cleopatra looked like. Now, Kaya simply pictured Rebekah, but you probably pictured Elizabeth Taylor. 

Here is a fascinating fact about the famous actress. She, like Rebekah, fell in love with Judaism. In fact, the classic 1964 movie was banned in Egypt because Gamel Abdel Nasser’s government was outraged that Cleopatra would be played by a Jew and a fierce advocate of Israel like Taylor, no less. 

The Ancient Rabbis believed that foreshadowing played a huge role in love and marriage. They also had a real knack for theatrics. The Talmud is constantly mentioning incidents in which, it claims, a heavenly voice makes a dramatic proclamation. And they maintained that forty days before the conception of every fetus, a heavenly voice proclaims who that individual will eventually marry. 

(As an aside, this is somewhat surprising because contrary to the view held by some that a fetus should be considered viable from the moment of conception, we, Jews, believe that a fetus becomes viable only after it graduates from medical school.)

Seriously, though, at the same time that we value foreshadowing, we are not naïve. We recognize the truth of these words written by a great playwright, in his native German, "Wenn ihr wollt, ist es kein Märchen" which we usually translate, “If you will it, it is no dream.” 

These words, written by one Theodor Herzl, who we refer to as the Seer of the State of Israel, convey a great truth not only about the life of nations but about the life of individuals in love. It is vital but not sufficient to have a dream. You must will it into existence, in word and deed, and never stop willing it. Just like Rebekah and Kaya.    

Finally, I altered my pronouncement a little for this wedding:

Rebekah and Kaya, all of us here rejoice in your happiness, and we pray that this marks only one of many more blessings you will share in the days and years ahead. Now that you have spoken the words and performed the rites that unite your lives, I do hereby, with all my wizardly powers granted to me by the Great State of Texas, declare you husband and wife. Kaya, you may kiss your queen!

The Golden Rule

On Friday, November 11th, I officiated Tori and Gabe’s wedding ceremony at The Vintage Rail in Fort Worth, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

I have officiated over 530 weddings, but Tori and Gabe’s wedding is a first in a very special way. One of Tori’s relatives was gifted a prayer book on her wedding day by her groom. That custom is quite common. It is the inscription, however, on the prayer book that is special. 

It was written in 1938 in then Palestine, which was under the rule of the King of England, by a great rabbi named Rabbi Abraham Samuel Finkel. Now, that last name, Finkel, is a dead giveaway in the world of Jewish scholarship, for this man’s father was a founder of a prominent school of the Mussar movement, whose goal was to “foster peace of mind, humility, tolerance, thoughtful consideration of others, self-examination, and purity of mind.”

Tori and Gabe’s relationship origin story exhibits Gabe’s thoughtful consideration of others, as there can be no greater consideration than saving a damsel in distress. Gabe says, “How we met was definitely out of a romantic comedy. The owner of the company I was with had a housewarming party, and Victoria's best friend got hired to work the bar.” 

Tori explains that since the company was mostly made up of men, everyone was asked to bring a girl or a houseplant. Fortunately, Tori’s friend brought her and not a houseplant, or we might not be here today. 

Gabe continues, “I was walking around the party and saw Victoria talking with this goober, and I felt the need to interject. I put my arm around her.” The guy asked then asked Tori, “Is this your boyfriend?” Tori started to correct him and say, “Friend.” Gabe interrupted and said, “Fiancée.” Though Tori insists she was in no need of saving, the rest is clearly history.

Now, though the Mussar movement in Judaism was new, it was not introducing anything that, at its core, was not already part of all great traditions. The movement’s teachings simply elaborate on the idea taught by Hillel, Jesus, the Buddha, Confucius, Muhammad, and more, which scholars refer to as the ethic of reciprocity, and laymen refer to as the Golden Rule. As Tori wisely observes regarding all religions, “It’s hard to… take them at face value, but underneath them all, the golden rules and foundations are… so closely related.”

Here is the thing about the Golden Rule. It is really easy to abide by it in isolation, especially in its negative form, as expressed by Hillel. If you don’t interact with anyone, well, you can’t do anything to them that you would not want to be done to you. 

Living in isolation, though, is not possible, arguably, it leaves a person’s moral development stunted, and it means that you will leave this world not much better than you found it. Conversely, through a great romantic relationship, the Ancient Rabbis tell us, not only does one get to regularly practice the Golden Rule, but one also gets to fulfill the commandment to love one’s fellow as oneself in its highest form. 

Tori expresses these ideas beautifully: “I couldn’t imagine my life without this man. It would be dull and less stimulating. I would survive, of course, but it would hold so much less meaning. After six years together, life with him is home, and I’m ready to share a life together in meaning and name, to take on the world as a unit, and to be a family.”

Gabe adds, “We have been together six years now. She has made me a better man and only wants to see me succeed. It would be hard to find another woman as kind, smart and caring as her.”

And Tori speaks for both of them when she says, “I want our children to see us as a united guiding force, not just two individuals passing through time… It takes strength and love to make a relationship withstand the test of time and feel like not only do we bring out the best in each other; being together helps us bring out the best in ourselves.”

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

On Thursday afternoon, October 13, 2022, I officiated Cindy and Matt’s wedding at the Dana Villas on the Island of Santorini in Greece. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

The Ethics of the Fathers is a tractate (or volume) of the Mishnah, the 200 C.E. compendium of the Jewish Oral Law, which unlike the other tractates, as its name indicates, discusses ethics, not laws. In the very first chapter, we are told that Rabbi Simon said the following:

“All my days I grew up among the sages, and I have found nothing better for a person than silence. Study is not the most important thing, but actions; whoever indulges in too many words brings about sin.”

At first blush, it seems odd. I contend that no one becomes a clergyman if they don’t like the sound of their own voice. On top of that, as I just mentioned in my introduction, lifelong learning, study, is paramount in all religions.

In fact, ordination in Judaism does not indicate special sacramental powers like in Catholicism and does not necessitate any type of calling like in Protestant Christianity. It is simply a mark of having achieved a level of wisdom that one can apply in ruling on questions of Jewish Law.

Once we take a more careful look at what Simon said, it becomes clearer. He does not say study is not important. He says that words and study are not as important as actions. Essentially, as we first find in a letter, written in 1736 by a man from Boston, “Actions speak louder than words.”

If you know Cindy and Matt, actually even if you don’t them and just look at their wedding website or their social media, you see what they are saying through their actions. In fact, the very way they decided to celebrate this wedding is an action that speaks.

And what do those actions tell us? This is going to sound totally alien to the so-called American Dream, though very much at in sync with where we are in Southern Europe: Experiences beat stuff every time. Specifically, new experiences brought about through travel beat mere stuff every time.

There are many reasons that experiences beat stuff, and one main reason that travel is one of the most superior experiences. It goes back to that idea of lifelong learning, and it is a lesson Mark Twain teaches us in his very first book.

The book, “The Innocents Abroad,” is a humorous and witty travelogue which, though little remembered today, remained his best-selling book throughout his lifetime. The ultimate destination was the Holy Land, but the group of Americans he was with visited many countries, Greece included, though regretfully not this beautiful island. (Poor Samuel Clemens.)

He writes as follows, and keep in mind the voyage was made on what was a decommissioned Union Civil War ship, but two years after the surrender at Appomattox Court House: “Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime.” Wow. Do these words, published 153 years ago, not seem as prescient today as they did then? 

Cindy and Matt, thank you for celebrating the beginning of this new chapter of your life in this special place. Thank you for reminding us through actions, not words, what is most important. May we all heed your lesson. 

Enantiomers

On Friday, August 19, 2022, I officiated Jackie and Jake’s wedding at the Ibagari Boutique Hotel on the island of Roatan in Honduras. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

I’m somewhat hesitant to talk about the genesis of Jackie and Jake’s relationship. I mean, sure, a wedding is supposed to be romantic, but the language one should use at a wedding should not be too risqué. That said, this is the first meaningful thing Jackie said to Jake, so here goes. Brace yourselves. (Pause.) “HEY, YOU’RE IN MY CLASS!” Now, Jackie recounts this exclamation which happened in a bar, in lower case letters, but Jake spells it all out in upper case letters, so yes, their relationship began with a yell. 

Now, you might think that from there it was a straight line to where we are today. Jackie even continues, “That's how it all began.” However, in those words she is really performing a feint worthy of her favorite sport, futbol, because, her next words are, “We became friends that night,” and, “What emerged then was a beautiful friendship,” which is exactly what guys like to hear from interesting girls they meet.

You can hear that in Jake’s telling of the beginning of that friendship. This guy was a goner: “I knew from that first night that Jackie was someone special. I loved her energy; she was radiant. She was so outgoing and so much fun with a complete stranger at the time that she simply recognized from one of her classes. I quickly realized that this was a common theme, as I was unable to go anywhere on campus with Jackie without stopping multiple times for her to say hi to friends, in multiple languages, during the course of what normally would have been a ten-minute walk. I was also enormously impressed that someone so socially gifted could also be so brilliant. I had never met someone at all like her.” 

In all seriousness, though, starting off as good friends is actually at the root of the successful romantic partnership Jackie and Jake have built together. Jake says, “My wish to marry Jackie is rooted not only in what a special person she is, but also in the match that we make. Never had I felt such excitement and desire to spend time with someone, even in our friendship. We found that this sentiment translated naturally into our romantic relationship… We have enjoyed our common interests and passions, but perhaps more importantly appreciated and embraced our differences. 

Jackie recently found herself happily on top of a mountain in Southern California after hiking for hours in the rain, something she would have never previously dreamed of given her city-dwelling predilection. Likewise, Jackie and her family have fully immersed me in their Honduran culture, culminating in me trying… Curiles, a dish resembling mussels without the shell that are eaten fresh after being doused in lime juice… 

I have attended numerous church services with her and her family and was even married in their Basilica by a priest, something I would not have imagined previously. Similarly, Jackie has embraced my Jewish heritage by participating in celebration of Jewish holidays and even lighting the Hannukah candles in Honduras with her parents, a new experience for them and a special one for me. Jackie and I have expanded each other’s worlds immensely and I want nothing more than to continue to do so throughout the rest of our lives.”

It is just this type of difference that can allow for growth and evolution of one’s romantic relationship. As Jackie says, “We have learned to compromise and communicate better, and I know we both always have each other’s wellbeing and happiness in mind. Our relationship has evolved a lot… We have grown enough to recognize things that need more attention, things that should change, and things that we should continue to do in order to choose each other and our love every day.”

She adds, “I think back to the concept of enantiomers that we learned in organic chemistry, molecules that are non-superimposable mirror images of each other, like our hands. In a way they are opposite, but also incredibly similar. Two people from different countries, different religions, with different personalities, but at the same time that match together so well. We are not the same, yet our differences only add to our union. 

Throughout all of the ups and downs of the last few years, Jake is always the first person I want to talk to about everything with, whether I’m telling him about something that’s wrong or simply what I’m having for lunch. I am my happiest when we’re together, especially when he makes me laugh (which he does all the time). Regardless of what is going on around us, I know that he is my rock, my best friend, the left hand to my right hand.” 

Yes, And.

On Friday, July 22nd, I officiated Lauren and Joshua’s wedding ceremony at Lauren’s parents’ home in Coppell, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Unlike Lauren and Joshua, my understanding of improv is that of a layperson. I am sure, therefore, that I am oversimplifying, when I say that the essence of improv is “yes, and”. The reason, “yes, and” is vital to improv comedy is that improv comedy, like jazz or any other improvisational art form, is iterative. So, your answer need not be “no” for the iterative process to break down; it could be just “yes, period”. 

I do believe, though, that this is not only a great prescription for successful comedy, but also a great prescription for life. Of course, success in life does demand some degree of planning and follow through on those plans, but the best lived life is iterative. Have you met someone who just followed their carefully conceived life plan without deviating from it? If you did, they probably didn’t make a huge impression, because, BORING. Likely they are not lifelong learners, at least not yet.

Living your iteratively requires an important prerequisite. You must be willing to ask questions. This is very Jewish. As Lauren says, “To me, living a meaningful Jewish life… [is] about interrogating oneself on what living a Jewish life means to you and the lifelong journey to figure that out… Judaism is centered on the idea of questioning, whether it be a rabbi, the Torah, your family, yourself, or even God… Being Jewish is about questioning things, always, even when you think you already have all the answers, or it feels difficult to ask.”

Lauren and Joshua’s love story is replete with asking questions, and answering with, “yes, and.” Their relationship began with Joshua saying, “Hey, nice bracelets! Do you like electronic music too?” Yes, and. Though, Lauren argues that it started before that when someone said to her, “Hey, do you want to see this random improv comedy show, in a random guy’s backyard, in a random house in Denton, Texas?” Yes, and. Eventually, she says, they moved on to other questions: “Do you want to move to Chicago with me? Do you want to write a sketch show together? Do you want to get an apartment together? Do you want try and start a comedy club with me?” Yes, and, yes, and.  

Living your life iteratively means that you can reach heights and distances that cannot be reached without improvisation, and the benefits can influence not only your life, but the lives of many others. Joshua gets this. He says, “I want to marry Lauren because she is everything I could ask for in a life partner. Together, I truly believe we are an unstoppable team. We picked up our lives in Texas and started over in a new place. If we can build something from nothing this effectively, imagine what we can do as life partners! I believe the family we are starting together will not only continue to bring us joy, but also has the potential to create good in the world as a whole.”

Deep Connections

On Sunday, July 17th, I officiated Jackie and Larry’s wedding ceremony at The Press Room in Knoxville, Tennessee. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

I gotta tell you: The love story these two share is almost too much for a rabbi. I mean it starts on a Birthright trip to Israel, for crying out loud. Their first kiss followed a day that included visits to such romantic spots as Mount Herzl, the Western Wall, and Yad Vashem. 

Seriously, though, picture this: That evening, they walked the streets of Jerusalem, just the two of them, and engaged in very deep and honest discussion about themselves. Then they shared that first kiss in the shadow of the walls of the Old City, in front of the Jaffa Gate. There was no turning back now. From that moment, they were inseparable. 

Now, if you know Jackie and Larry, this will not surprise you in the least. They are not only deeply connected to their Jewish heritage; they are also deep thinkers. They have each contemplated their heritage, their spirituality, their place in the world. They have each played a positive influence on each other in deepening their connections to their heritage and their spirituality. 

To wit, Jackie shared one of the deepest descriptions of the various aspects of Judaism one encounters. The cherry on top is that she attributes it to something said in a sermon. By a rabbi. When she was a kid. I mean, as a rabbi myself, you had me at sermon:

“I remember a sermon our rabbi gave during the high holidays at some point when I was a child. He talked about the hand Jew, the head Jew, and the heart Jew. The hand Jew connects with Judaism by performing Jewish acts, the head Jew thinks through what it means to be Jewish, and the heart Jew finds ways to embrace the spiritual elements of Judaism. I would say that at various points in my life, I’ve been each.

During my upbringing… I was the hand Jew… when in college… I was the head Jew. Now as an adult… I’ve synthesized them into a practice that is uniquely mine but honors the tradition of my ancestors—a feeling that has only grown since reaping the benefit of Larry’s background. I’ve become a heart Jew.”

Now, about that background, Larry goes farther back than a sermon in his childhood in clarifying how seriously deep his Judaism went from day one. In fact, this is the first time in more than 500 weddings that a groom casually mentioned his Pidyon Haben, a unique ritual in which parents pay tribute to God for the birth of their first born son. His mother is Israeli, his parents met on a kibbutz, nuff said. 

Again, however, what really struck me with Larry is his deep thinking about his spirituality. He not only attended Jewish day schools, but he also pondered what God had wrought in the world and the existence of God in the first place. He pondered what Jung had to say about religion, what Christianity had to offer our world, and what Nietzsche had to say about what we have wrought in God’s world. 

Why? There might be no more Jewish answer than this: “I am a firm believer that human beings possess a responsibility to themselves to explore the answers presented to them, and to continually ask more questions.” 

Jackie and Larry’s contemplation of the essence of their relationship is in line with their deep deep thinking. Larry says: “I feel free to evolve as a man when I am with Jackie… she and I share many principles… a common philosophy [on]… relationships and expectations… I… am very excited to get to know her even better and [I] look forward to seeing where this voyage takes us.”

And Jackie says: “When I think about why [marry Larry] now, quite honestly, it’s because I trust him more than any other person to have my best interests at heart.” It doesn’t get any better than that.

Why Not Now?

Saturday evening, I officiated Emily and Nick’s wedding ceremony at the Dallas Museum of Art, in Dallas, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Now, one of the primary tools I use to arrive at these remarks is the autobiographical essay I ask each person I marry to write. Sometimes lessons for life appear as nuggets in these essays; other times there is an underlying theme to be uncovered. In the case of Emily and Nick, the themes did not need to be uncovered; they were presented up front, and they each went deep.

Interestingly, the thematic underpinnings for Emily and Nick’s essays could hardly be more different in their sources. Nick is somewhat conventional, and I do not mean that as a value judgement. His theme comes from his high school, St. Sebastian, which also reflects his upbringing by his grandmother, Mary: “Love God, Work Hard, and Take Good Care of One Another”. Nick says, “These words stick out to me, because they are much of what Mary had taught me over the years, for they embody what she stood for, exemplified by her watching mass daily and saying the rosary, working hard every day… until she was 83 years young, and taking care of her girls, Denny [Nick’s grandfather], and every guest… I had known all along that this way of life was not revolutionary, but foundational…”

Emily’s theme comes from an educational source, like Nick’s, but a slightly less conventional one. Again, no judgement. Well, maybe a little bit. (Not really.) Emily says, “My favorite Peloton instructor (incidentally, I did not know that people had favorite Peloton instructors), Kendall Toole (probably a good Irish Catholic girl), always says, ‘Life is like an EDM [Electronic Dance Music] song: You feel the music build… then you must prepare and when the drop comes you fall into the fight.’ Just like in life, with every build you must learn to handle the load and adapt to the highs and lows. Some EDM songs are more intense, others continuously build, and some remain mellow. My spiritual journey is, oddly enough, no different.”

Though their themes’ sources are slightly (OK, more than slightly) different, I find this idea of a theme that guides you, a philosophy of life, if you will, not only refreshing, but vital. As William B. Irvine says, “Without one, there is a danger that you will mislive… a danger that you will look back and realize that you wasted your one chance at living.” 

Now, when you have such a philosophy of life, it is much easier to answer the two questions I ask every couple to address, why marry and why now? Emily says, “To bring this metaphor home, just like an EDM song, you never know when the big drops are going to come, and in life we don’t either… During COVID I realized that even on the world’s worst day and in what seemed like the darkest of times, I felt this ever-present sense of warmth around me the entire time. Nick is simply the light and love of my life, and I know he always will be. Despite everything going on in the world I want him to be beside me for every high and every low… Just like our ketubah [Jewish marriage contract] says, our two hearts really do beat as one.”

Nick, ironically, adopts a Jewish practice in addressing this, answering a question with a question (really a number of questions): “With marriage as our bond, driving a thoughtful deepening of our commitment to one another, the real question I’ve asked myself is ‘Why Not Now?’ rather than ‘Why Now?’. I’ve known since shortly after our first dinner… that I loved Emily; that’s never been in question. If the next step in building our lives together, and eventually a family, is marriage, then why wait to reaffirm the happiest decision of my life to date? I can’t think of anything I’d rather do more than marry Emily and start the ‘rest of our lives’ together, and no one who has ever known me has ever described me as patient, except for Emily, so why practice patience now?”

Love at First Moonwalk

Saturday afternoon, I officiated Lauren and Colton’s wedding ceremony at CCC Lake in Perry, Oklahoma. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

“So, what are you doing this weekend?” they asked me. Oh, nothing much. Just marrying a Wiccan and a Jew. In Oklahoma. Like you do… Seriously, though, I have learned so much, just getting to know Lauren and Colton. That is probably not surprising to anyone who knows them, because these are two very deep individuals. They are learners and seekers in the truest sense. You won’t be surprised, therefore, that I found the story of how these two met and how their relationship blossomed a fascinating tale.

Like most Wiccan-Jewish couples, they met at a Walmart in Stillwater, Oklahoma… LOL, as my kids would say. Two of their first three meaningful interactions revolved around relieving the store greeter, one of the most recognizable positions in the Walmart eco-system. I find this to be quite appropriate for seeker-learners like them to meet and interact this way, since this position, only became a hallmark of every Walmart as a result of Sam Walton learning from one of his employees.

Of course, if you know Lauren and Colton, you know I have buried the lead. It is what happened in between those two greeter related interactions that was most revealing. Lauren explains: “After I had been working at Walmart for about two months, I started noticing that Colton would go out of his way to say goodbye to me at the end of his shifts. Once, when I was helping a little old lady check out, he came by my line to tell me he was heading out for the night, and as he said goodbye, he moonwalked backward through my checkout line. The woman noticed this and asked me, ‘What was that all about?’ ‘I don’t know,’ I replied, ‘I think maybe he likes me.’ ‘I think he does,’ the woman responded. It was at that point that I realized that I liked him, too.” Isn’t that interesting? Sometimes, it takes the other person showing us a sign to make our own feelings clear to us, ourselves.

They both describe their first date and its aftermath affect on them, in a fashion that can only be described as deeply spiritual. Lauren says, “That first date at the (OSU botanical) gardens was perfect. The weather that September day was warm and sunny, with a light breeze as we walked through the gardens talking. We talked about all sorts of things, our hopes and dreams, our families, past relationships, and what we were looking for in our lives. A second date quickly followed, then a third, and before we knew it we were spending most days together, happily in love in a way that we had never experienced before.

And Colton says, “I fell in love with her on that first date. She was smart, funny, and beautiful. She had the most curly hair that flowed like water from a spring and a voice that would bring joy to my heart. I can genuinely say I have never met a woman like Lauren. She is the light in my life. She gives me a purpose and a meaning that I have never had before. When I’m with her, I feel complete. That missing part of me is gone when she’s around. Sometimes, it feels like the sun wouldn’t be bright if she wasn’t around.”

It is no surprise, therefore, that when you ask Colton why he wants to marry Lauren, this is his response: “I love her more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my life… Her love is sweeter than honey, her kindness is more healing than any medicine, and no one can compare with her beauty. Because not only is she truly beautiful on the outside, but also on the inside.”

Lauren sums it up similarly, when she says: “He values, understands, and adores me in a way that I have never felt before with anyone else. I never believed in love at first sight, until we fell into this whirlwind romance together. I guess it was love at first moonwalk for us.”

Be Excellent to Each Other

Saturday evening, I officiated Erin and Alex’s wedding ceremony at Las Caletas in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Erin’s telling of how she met Alex does not start off as the stuff of romance: “When I met Alex I was not looking for a relationship.” Ouch. Fortunately, Erin has a smart mom. Check this out: “At the time I had just moved back to Vermont and my mom and I planned a ‘date’ to go to the new frozen yogurt shop in town…  As we checked out… my mom couldn’t help herself but to point out the ‘cute’ man who helped us. In the past she has always been critical of people I dated so it stood out that she seemed so excited by this presumed prospect. While I adamantly refused to go back in and ask for a job application so that I could introduce myself (this was my mom's brilliant plan), I always remembered him. To me he was the ‘fro yo boy’.”

A smart mom figures into Alex’s side of the story too. When asked to explain his spiritual background, growing up in an interfaith family, Alex says, “’Be Excellent to each other, and party on.’ Although the radical time-travelling classic, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, is not often cited as spiritual inspiration, this quote is my mother's summary of our family’s interpretation and application of our two faiths.” I, personally, think that if more religious leaders followed Bill and Ted the world would be a much better place.

A little-known fact is that the movie, like Alex and Erin and Alex’s future offspring, is an “interfaith child” born out of the minds of Chris Matheson, who grew up Christian, and Ed Solomon, who is Jewish. People sometimes think that growing up in different faiths weakens a relationship. Alex knows this is nonsense: “In the sincerest sense of the word, I view her as my partner and she's the best one I could ever imagine. Our similar life experiences in our athletic and career endeavors have provided us with many shared values and traits, but I’m often more inspired by ways in which our different experiences in religion and otherwise created separate qualities that make us even stronger and more compatible.” 

And what Erin writes is downright inspiring, “For this next chapter I think it is obvious to both of us that we will build a far greater life together than either of us could build alone… It’s important to be able to celebrate this monumental moment with all the people who have made us who we are today… The significance of having an interfaith wedding shows honor to both of our families… It… represents what we will be passing along to our future children… raising them with an understanding of both family traditions and religions, teaching them to see the good in people and focus on how similar we all are despite our differences.” 

With that, let’s get on to the vows, because to quote the Wyld Stallyns, “The best place to be is here. The best time to be is now.”