Travel the Word Together

Saturday night, Reverend Aaron Teague and I co-officiated Alexis and Logan’s wedding at Marie Gabrielle in Dallas, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

This couple, actually, teaches us two important lessons, and they are of the unconscious variety, and boy are they deep!

First Alexis’ lesson for us. Here is what she says about Logan: “I want to spend the rest of my life with him, I want to start a family with him, I want to grow old with him. He brings so much color to my life, color I had no idea I was missing. The sun shines brighter when we’re together, food tastes better when we’re together. Everything is better when we’re together.”

Now, the romantics among you are going, “Awwwwwww!” The rationalists among you, conscious of the fact that usually your verbal insights are not appreciated at events like these, perhaps winced a bit. “Food tastes better when we’re together?” Really?!

Well, I am no scientist, and I don’t even play one on TV. However, I believe this is quite rational. We think that taste is something in the tongue. It is not. It is in the brain. The entire food restaurant industry makes that quite clear. 

Now to Logan’s lesson for us. Here is what he says about Alexis: “She has helped make me a better person every day we have been together. I am so lucky to have met such an unbelievable caring, kind, and loving person. I want to spend the rest of my life with her to grow together, to experience life together, travel the word together, and raise a family together.” 

Now, you are probably thinking to yourself, “Oh boy, he’s a rabbi, and he can’t read. How sad.” Because, surely, I should have read, “travel the world together.” Here’s the thing, I am not misreading. Logan accidentally typed “word” instead of “world.”

However, through this he teaches us an incredible lesson. You see, there can be two ways to approach our differences in the realm of faith. And, you will see examples of this among interfaith couples, among friends who are members of different faiths, and even among faith communities. One way is not to really talk about faith. Let’s just play it safe. We don’t want to argue or disagree, so let’s talk about anything else.

Well, that may be safe, but it’s really boring, and it is not conducive to learning. Guess what, if you think your tradition has a monopoly on the truth, and that you have nothing to learn from other faiths, you are wrong. So, the smarter move is to, in Logan’s words, “travel the word together.” Learn about the other person’s faith, learn about their traditions. You will become richer for it, we all will become richer for it, just like Alexis and Logan.

A Fine Example

Yesterday (3/21) I officiated Vanessa and Nathan’s wedding ceremony at the Marty Leonard Chapel in Fort Worth, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

 

It's quite interesting; anecdotally the most common partner for a Jew to have in an interfaith relationship is a Catholic. I don't think anyone has established, through any type of academic study, why this is. However, people have offered different theories.

Now, when we take a look at Vanessa and Nathan specifically, we find an interesting relationship that each of them has with their respective faiths. Here is how Nathan, for instance speaks of his Jewish educational experience, "Going to Sunday school and Hebrew school was not my choice... Had I been given the choice, I probably would have skipped out on both... My Bar Mitzvah... was a pain in the butt... Learning to read Hebrew without vowels was akin to pulling teeth." However, Nathan admits, "I am glad I was forced to go. It was helpful in my spiritual growth."

Now, Vanessa is not as colorful as Nathan. (Shocker!) However, she does not exactly go with the flow either. Though much of her education was in Catholic schools, she states, "My personal spiritual beliefs are always evolving... At this point in my life, I am much more comfortable having a personal relationship with God, rather than relying on a particular religion to tell me what it is I should believe and how I should believe it... I witness God’s presence in the world every moment."

So, it is not surprising that when you talk to this Jewish boy and this Catholic girl about what aspects of their respective faiths they most treasure, you get similar answers. What they most treasure are the interpersonal values their faiths teach. What they most treasure is how their faiths inspire them to conduct themselves in the world as good, honest, ethical people. What they most treasure about their faiths is how they emphasize not right beliefs, but right living.

This is where modern liberal Judaism and post Vatican II Catholicism find so much common ground. Don't worry so much about dotting the "i"s and crossing the "t"s of dogma. Don't fret over the fact that someone somewhere does not share your specific articles of faith. Do worry that there is injustice in the world. Do fret over the fact that many people everywhere are genuinely suffering.

It is this approach, right living as paramount, and making this world a better place as a priority, that perhaps brings so many Catholics and Jews together. It definitely brings Vanessa and Nathan together. In that, it makes them a fine example for their peers to follow.

A Story of Redemption

Last night, Tuesday 2/18, I officiated Ellen and Bill's wedding at their home in Flower Mound, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

When I sat down to write about Ellen and Bill, I was reminded of the story of Amram and Yocheved, Moses' parents.

Most people are familiar with the Biblical account of the birth of Moses. Pharaoh commands that all Hebrew male babies be thrown into the Nile. Moses is born, and hidden for three months. Then his mother puts him in a floating cradle on the Nile, as his sister, Miriam watches over him from afar. Then the daughter of the very Pharaoh, who wants him and his like dead, raises him as her own. He grows up to be the redeemer of Israel.

Now, the rabbis of old, as they are apt to do, embellish the story. They tell us that due to Pharaoh's command, Amram divorced Yocheved, because he did not want to have children, only to have them killed by Pharaoh. When Miriam saw this she confronted her father, and told him that he was worse than Pharaoh, since Pharaoh had commanded all baby boys be eliminated, and Amram was ensuring there would be no baby boys or baby girls born. Amram listened to Miriam, remarried Yocheved, and only due to that act, they had Moses.

Now when they had Moses, since he was a boy, Amram was none too pleased with Miriam, and told her just that. That is why she follows Moses through the bulrushes to see what will be the rest of the story. Once again, the rest of the story is one of redemption.

The lessons of this story and of Ellen and Bill's love story are similar and multifold. Both stories show us that learning can come from the most unexpected places, and so you need to be open to learning from everyone. Both stories tell us that it is totally human to lose faith. However, they also tell us that we can overcome and continue to believe in the capacity for change. And both stories tell us that for learning to be meaningful, for change to be real, we need to act just like Amram and his daughter, Miriam; we need to hold each other accountable.

If you have all of those ingredients, your love story can be one of great redemption. That is the story of Amram and Yocheved, Miriam and Moses. That is the story of Ellen and Bill and their incredible journey. Their collective message is clear. Always be open to learn, believe in the capacity for change, and hold each other accountable. Let us all heed their message.

An Ongoing Conversation

Last night, Saturday 8/3, Pastor John Duty and I co-officiated Nicole and Nick's wedding at Cranbrook Academy of Art in Bloomfield Hills, Michigan. Here are the remarks I shared:

I believe that anyone who knows Nicole and Nick will tell you that they "suffer" from the Lake Woebegone affect; they are both quite above average... So, there is a lot we can learn from them.

I believe that one of the areas we can learn from them is the very idea of two people coming together from different faith traditions, with different ideas about the world. You see, the most striking thing about Nicole and Nick is the fact that while they each have very distinct and different ideas about the spiritual world, they do not let that create even the slightest distance between them. Quite the opposite!

Nicole and Nick are deeply in love, so much so that in what is a mutually held description she says, "I didn’t even know that people like Nic existed to dream about." Lest you think, however,  that they are starry eyed, and just ignore and overlook their differences, let me tell you that these two are friends and intellectual soul mates in the deepest sense of those word. Not for nothing does Nick describe their relationship as, "having (a) conversation that hasn't seemed to cease in over three years."

So, how do they do it? Well, I recently found this beautiful quote from the great Christian theologian of the 20th Century, Reinhold Neibhur:

"Nothing that is worth doing can be achieved in our lifetime; therefore we must be saved by hope. Nothing which is true or beautiful or good makes complete sense in any immediate context of history; therefore we must be saved by faith. Nothing we do, however virtuous, may be accomplished alone; therefore we must be saved by love. No virtuous act is quite as virtuous from the standpoint of our friend or foe, as it is from our own standpoint; therefore we must be saved by the final form of love, which is forgiveness."

What is Neibhur telling us here? I believe he is saying that surely our views, our beliefs, our convictions matter. Honestly, why study theology and philosophy, if they don't, right? We must be guided by the paradigms we use to find meaning in the world.

However, when we step back for a second, we realize that we must put our paradigms in context. We really can't and shouldn't take ourselves too seriously. We must understand that the universe is great and time is infinite, while we are small and finite. And so, when all is said and done, we must be saved not by our paradigms of thinking, but by love, and by the final form of love, forgiveness.

This is how Nicole and Nick live their lives. May we all be wise enough to learn from them.

I Choose You!

Last Saturday I co-officiated Moriah and Max's wedding at the church Moriah grew up in, with her dad. It was a wonderful celebration. Here are the remarks I shared with them:

Officiating with the bride's father is one thing, but giving some meaningful personal remarks after the bride's father just did... Wow! That is super challenging.

So, anyway, when you are at such a disadvantage in comparison to your co-officiant, you need a system. I try to spend as much time as I can with every couple really trying to get to know them. I am always really curious about what their love is like, and why they want to get married.

What struck me about Moriah and Max is how deep their love runs, and how mature a relationship they have. They are not only lovers, they are soul mates and best friends. Every now and then, you know, we run into a couple who may be lovers, but we are not sure they are friends. We worry, what will happen when they face a challenge? Will they make it? No need to worry about Moriah and Max in that department! Listen to how Moriah describes the depth of their relationship. She writes, "We want to get married because it means that there will be good times, and there will be hard times, and we will be together, united to face or embrace, whatever comes our way..."

Moriah and Max understand that the fundamental fact about abiding and lasting love of any kind, and most importantly between a husband and wife is that it involves what some of our neighbors in Cajun Country call, "stickin'". You stick together and are there for each other no matter what, and that makes you stronger as a couple, while you grow as individuals too.

And Moriah and Max understand a great theme of both of their faiths, that true love is about sacrifice. (You can't really have the same name as the one of the holiest sites on Earth, and not know that, right, Moriah?) Moriah and Max understand that marriage is about vowing to each other in Moriah's words, "I choose you, and I choose to stand by you no matter what, forever, because I love you." How beautiful is that? That really says it all. Thank you guys! What a wonderful lesson for all of us.

Awake and Alive

Jami and Steven know each other from childhood. Their paths intersected many times in life, until a few years ago they fell in love. Their wedding was planned by them and their kids, and they call themselves the Spalvisairowans, which a combination of all of the last names their eight person clan shares. Here are the remarks I shared with them:

One of the things Jami and Steven emphasized time and again was that this wedding was about way more than just them. It was about them and their kids coming together as one big blended family. So, I tried to think about all the things they told me about how they live their lives as individuals and as a couple. I asked myself what might be their message for you not in words, but in that very way they live together and come together today to make your being one big family official.

What struck me about Jami and Steven is that they truly savor life, as individuals and as a couple. This reminded me of a song I heard, since I share an iTunes account with my 17 year old daughter. It's called Awake and Alive by Skillet. Here are a few words from the song:

... When my faith is getting weak
And I feel like giving in
You breathe into me again
I'm awake, I'm alive
Now I know what I believe inside

... Waking up in the dark
I can feel you in my sleep
In your arms, I feel you breathe into me
Forever hold this heart that I will give to you
Forever I will live for you.

What does it mean to be awake and alive? Being awake and alive is not about being perfect. It is not about not making mistakes. It is not about never having challenges. Being awake and alive is about being imperfect and making it work. It is about making mistakes and using them as opportunities to learn. It is about grabbing challenges by the horns, and having them propel you forward.

So, what is it we wish for you, all of you Spalvisairowans? That you indeed live your lives in such a fashion, that live awake and alive, as one big happy family.

The Number One Job of Every Faith Community

When someone asks me to officiate their wedding, I first ask the person to tell me about him or herself, and his or her partner. Second, I ask the person to tell me about their vision for their wedding. Third, I ask why it is important to them that a rabbi officiate their wedding. I get many different answers to this last question. Many times the Jewish partner will tell me that there is no way it could be different for them; it just feels natural. This was the answer that Renee gave me, right after she told me that technically she was not really Jewish since she never converted! She definitely piqued my curiosity. I had to hear more!

Last week I officiated Renee and Brian’s wedding at a very special location, the Jewish wing of the historic Main Post Chapel at Fort Sam Houston in San Antonio, Texas. This building was dedicated in 1909 by then President Howard Taft. It has plaques commemorating chaplains, officers, and servicemen and women of the recent and not so recent past. You really feel a sense of the past of our armed forces in the building. Renee and Brian, veteran and current service member respectively, felt just right in this hallowed building, as they are a very special couple. Here are the words I shared with them and their guests:

Once you hear Renee’s story in detail and Renee and Brian’s story together, it all makes sense, and has a deeper lesson imbedded in it too. Renee was attracted to the Jewish scene in her youth, and felt very comfortable and supported there. She felt so welcome, that when she joined the army she put down her religion as Jewish. Once again, she felt welcome and supported by fellow Jewish soldiers. Unfortunately, she suffered an injury early on, and had to do a fitness test to move to a different unit. She was very fearful that she would fail the test, or even reinjure herself. Then the Jewish chaplain showed up unannounced, took the test with her, and cheered her on the whole way, till she passed. Obviously, this event made its mark on Renee, and deepened her sense of connection to the Jewish People. This is what brought Renee and Brian to attending their local synagogue today together. They both feel very much at home there. So, of course, it was going to be a rabbi, who would marry them!

In their story Renee and Brian highlight an aspect that is tremendously important for every faith community. Before we think about theology, before we talk about religious practice, before we even mention worship, we must bring comfort. Our most important function as faith communities is to make people comfortable, to bring comfort, to support others. The cool thing about Renee and Brian, is that this is the way they both live their lives. You may not hear them say it, because these are two very modest people. However, if we were able to talk to that chaplain, who ran with her, and her fellow Jewish soldiers, you just know that they would say that Renee is one of the most supportive people they knew. If you would ask Brian’s airmen, and for that matter, if you could ask his canine colleagues over the last 15 years, you just know they would say that this is a guy, who just puts people and animals at ease, and makes them feel comfortable. This is a guy, who will have your back.

Renee and Brian, we are blessed as a community to have you as part of it. We encourage you, as individuals and as a couple to continue growing, to continue setting a great example, and to continue to provide aid, comfort and support to each other and to those around you.

Lori and Matt – They Didn’t Just Go With the Flow

This last Saturday I officiated two weddings in Austin, Texas. The first was Lori and Matt’s. Lori and Matt are really special people. Lori is an attorney, who works for a non-profit, and Matt grew up to actually work in one of those fields all little boys dream about working in, firefighting! They both have a rather humanistic bent, which is what I tried to bring out in my personal remarks:

One thing that struck me from my very first discussion with Lori and Matt is that really the phrase “interfaith couple” did not fit the bill with regards to this couple. “Intercultural couple” may be a more apt term. Indeed, each of them sees their religious heritage more in the context of culture than religious belief and practice. You see - Lori and Matt come from different backgrounds, and have had different life stories; however they have more in common in terms of faith and belief, than many other couples out there.

This is not due to coincidence. This is due to the fact that these two did not just go with the flow. They chose to really think about these issues of faith and belief. They continue to choose as individuals and as a couple to carefully examine their lives spiritually, figure out who they are, and what they want out of life. Most importantly they recognize that need to continue to grow together in this sense, and to focus on the joy, happiness and meaning that such growth can bring to a couple’s life.

Lori and Matt, thank you for reminding us of the importance of truly figuring out one’s spiritual path. May you continue to learn and develop separately and together, and through this may your happiness increase and your bond strengthen.

Unity, Not Uniformity

This last Sunday I officiated Angela and Kevin’s wedding in Fort Worth, Texas at the elegant Historic YWCA. Here are the personal words I shared with them and their guests:

There is an assumption on the part of some, and that some includes some members of the clergy unfortunately, that an interfaith relationship will serve to weaken, or even dilute the faith of an individual. What I have found regarding most couples, and Angela and Kevin stand out as a strong example of this, is that it is actually the opposite.

Falling in love with, developing a relationship with, and marrying someone who is of a different faith tradition, can actually strengthen one’s connection to his or her faith tradition. Kevin is very open about the fact that Angela’s commitment to her faith has inspired him to bring the Jewish faith back to a more central place in his life. Angela is explicit about the fact that her relationship with Kevin has served to perfect and mature her Christian faith.

Angela and Kevin find their respective connections to their faith traditions strengthened, because of one key concept. They both understand that unity does not have to mean uniformity. They understand that diversity is not a dirty word. They understand that they each can be strong in their differing beliefs, and also have a powerful and loving mutual bond.

Angela and Kevin, our prayer is that you continue to live a life of learning and growing together. Our hope is that you continue to strengthen each other. Our charge to you is that you inspire others to do the same.