Actions Speak

Saturday evening I co-officiated Jennifer and Noah’s wedding ceremony with Father Milt Raybould at the Hilton Park Cities, in Dallas, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

I love origin stories. If you think about it, some of the greatest stories ever told from the Exodus of the Hebrews from Egypt to the Christmas story to the American Revolution. So, I was intrigued by Jennifer and Noah's origin story, the origin story of them as a couple. How did they arrive at the place they are today, where Noah's words ring mutually true, when he says: "I want to marry her because I love her, she is my best friend, and I can’t imagine my life without her. I love the way I feel about her and the way she makes me feel." It sounds pretty extraordinary. So how DID they get there, or if you will, here?

 

Noah writes: "I remember our (initial) email conversations and eventual phone conversations – I enjoyed talking with Jen and we had a lot in common. I felt a connection with her instantly – I joked, but it is true, that after our first date, I cancelled my other dates!" Humor definitely adds to an origin story, and Noah has that in spades!

I really love the literary aspect of their origin story. I think our grandchildren will find it shocking that most of us, in our generation, did NOT  begin our romantic relationships like Jennifer and Noah. (I can them say, "What? You just met by accident? You didn't email, text, tweet, Facebook etc. first?! That's so weird.) Anyway, listen to Jennifer describe the beauty of this:  "I waited for his responses with great anticipation each day and savored reading every one (even multiple times)..."

It is this type of origin story that allows you to get to know another person on a much deeper level. So, not surprisingly, Jennifer writes what she discovered pretty quickly: "We have many of the same values and life goals which made the first, sometimes awkward-getting-to-know-you emails lots of fun and enjoyable."

And what did they discover about each other during that time and as their relationship developed? Well, Jennifer claims the following is true of Noah, but again, I am pretty sure he would say this is equally true of her: "What we wrote at that time is as true today as it was then, which only makes me love him more. I can easily say he is kind, honest, enthusiastic, etc. and it is all true. What exemplifies it to me, though, is how he conveys it to his friends and family. (Actions always speak louder than words.) He takes the time to make people feel special and to let them know he is thinking of them in his own unique way. This is true for both friends and family, new and old. This sign of loyalty and love he shares with me, too."

Wow! When I taught high school and middle school, I would always advise kids to not look at just what the other person says to them. Rather look at how he treats the server. Look at how she treats the valet. That can tell you a lot, because actions do speak larger than words, and in these actions a person shows their true self. When they do, their words either become, to borrow a phrase from today, richer or poorer.

So, for all of us married couples, present and future, let's keep Jennifer and Noah's message in mind. Actions do speak louder than words, and go ahead and make the other person feel special. Because that is not a bad recipe for a happy marriage, is it?!

Fateful Moments

Saturday evening I officiated Sarah and Jeff’s wedding ceremony at Stonebriar Country Club, in Frisco, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

The beginning of the story of Sarah and Jeff is amusing, at least the way Jeff tells it: “My sister persuaded me to try one more of HER single groups which I had attended before and most of the women where frankly much older than me and not very attractive. So I decided to try it one more time and saw a new face, and that face belonged to Sarah. I am typically very shy but moved right in to rescue Sarah from some disgusting older Jewish men who were hounding the “fresh meat”. We began to talk and I made her laugh and most the night centered on her furry boots she wore that night. We went out on our first date and the rest is history.”

This is especially interesting, when you take into account what Sarah felt about the institution of marriage up to and even after that fateful encounter: “I’m actually someone who never gave marriage much of a thought when I was younger.  I didn’t particularly have an urge to have children – so it was fine if I got married – and fine if I didn’t.  I’ve been in other relationships in my life, but never felt as though they had to result in marriage.” Isn’t that interesting? Neither of them was looking that seriously for a partner for life, but here we are today.

How did that happen? The fact is that we all have these fateful moments in our lives. We probably have them more than we realize. All too often, we just let them pass, without harnessing their power to turn fate into destiny. What Sarah and Jeff show us is what can happen when we use these moments properly. They can change not only our lives, but our perspectives on life, and the lives of others too, like Sarah tells us: “When Jeff… ask(ed) me to marry him, a real feeling of excitement AND calm came over me.  I feel like with marriage, I will always have someone in my corner – as I will be for him.  We will become a united front…  Jeff is someone who accepts and loves me as I am – and I feel the same way about him!”

And the potential these moments bring? Well, they bring with them a potential for that elusive quality we all seek, not just calm and acceptance, but renewal. As Jeff says: “I finally found someone who loves me for me… I have a partner to share things and experience life all over again.”

A Much Better Place

Saturday I officiated Danielle and Rob’s wedding ceremony at the W Victory Hotel, in Dallas, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

 

I get to ask every couple a question that if anyone else asked it, it would seem downright rude, "Why do you want to get married?" Danielle gave me one of the best answers so far, "No one will mispronounce or misspell my last name anymore!"

 

Seriously, though, this is a question that was an easy one for Danielle and Rob to answer. Here is a multi-faceted statement that Danielle gives: "Rob is the most encouraging and supportive guy I have ever met. He ALWAYS puts my feelings and well-being before his own and would drop anything to make me happy. Not a day goes by that he doesn’t make me smile and feel like the luckiest girl in the world."

 

Wow! Gentlemen, whatever this guy has, can we bottle it and distribute it during the reception?!

 

 

Now, in Rob's description, Danielle is no slouch in this territory either, "I love absolutely everything about her. She makes me happy every day. If I am having a bad day, it only takes a moment with her to make me smile. I can’t stand being away from her even if it is just for the day. I have so much fun when I am with her and no one else understands how to make me happy."

 

Not exactly the stereotypical response you might expect from a hardened veteran turned cop, huh? I think the ladies may try to bottle some of what Danielle is selling too!

 

How do they do it? Well, at the risk of giving a simplistic answer in matters of the heart, I think the answer may lie in something innate in the personality of these two. Let's examine again one important sentence from Danielle's words above, "He ALWAYS puts my feelings and well-being before his own and would drop anything to make me happy." Now, spend just a few moments with these two, and you will understand that this sentence could have come out of Rob's mouth about Danielle too.

 

I don't remember if it was on Mr. Rogers or Sesame Street (the only two programs my late mother let me watch when I was really little), but I do remember a discussion of what true love meant. The answer was reminiscent of Danielle and Rob's mutual feeling. You know you are truly, totally and helplessly in love, when the other person's happiness is more important to you than your own.

 

Perhaps, I don't know, and we can certainly think of examples that belie this idea, this has something to do with what they decided to do with their lives. They have both gravitated towards lives of service. I mean, a nurse practitioner and a cop who is also a veteran of the national guard - can you be more service-oriented than that?! And what is a life of service about? It is about putting others' needs at the forefront.

 

So, let us all heed the lesson Danielle and Rob teach us today. Let us all learn to put the needs of others before ours, especially the needs of our soul mates. If we just do that, imagine what a much better place this world will be.

The Best Blessing for a Parent

Yesterday, I officiated a double header baby name for Allison and Bryan's cute twin baby boys, at their home in Plano, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their family:

When I met with Allison and Bryan a few weeks ago, I came away with a really warm feeling. We talked about how life changing having a child was, and how this changes your perspective on life, in a way that no other event does. They seemed, obviously, very tired. However, there was such a sense of contentment and love for each other and their children. It was almost overwhelming.

I don't know why, but it got me thinking about a fascinating biblical tale. David is in the twilight of his reign. He is about to crown his son, Solomon. One of his men gives him an interesting blessing. He expresses his hope that Solomon's kingdom be greater than David's.

Now, at first blush this might be puzzling. Is this not disrespectful to David? Our Rabbis say no. They point out the obvious to any parent. חוץ מבבנו, בכל אדם מתקנא. One can become jealous of anyone, except his or her child. The greatest compliment you can get, is that your child should be so great and successful that he eclipse you. In fact, one of the sweetest moments in any parent's life is the moment you are called not by your name, but by your affiliation to your child. Oh, you are His mom. You must be their dad. It's like hearing music for the first time. Hearing that your child has surpassed you, is even greater.

I asked Allison and Bryan what they hoped for their children's future. Kind of a big question, almost cliche. But I loved the answer. They said they hoped that the closeness in age of all three of their children would help them remain close, and stick together. I found that really interesting, especially as I have been reading a lot about "collective impact." Social scientists are finding that there is real evidence, that something many of us suspected is true, really is. For true and lasting and powerful social change, you don't need the next bright idea or silver bullet. You need different people with different talents and variant roles to act together. That is where greatness truly lies.

If you think about it, that wish that these kiddos stick together, that the next generation learn the power of collective impact, is how the blessing of Solomon materializes in the real world. The best way to see the fulfillment of our dream that our children surpass us, is through Allison and Bryan's wish, that they stay close, and stick together, cooperate with other. That is the path of greatness.

So, Allison and Bryan, our wish for you is similar to the one given to our ancient king: May yours kids indeed stick together, and through this may they be so blessed, that they be greater, greater than you.

Shared Destiny

Saturday I officiated Julia and Jeremiah’s wedding ceremony at The Venetian Terrace in Las Colinas, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests, some of whom came all the way from the Promised Land:

Math was never my strong suit, and geometry... Let's just say if I am never in great shape in that area... (See what I just did?) That said, I do remember one fact in particular, don't ask me why. Two parallel lines on the plane will never ever meet; no ifs, buts or maybes. The thing is, because we don't live on this theoretical mathematical plane, we can't really draw totally parallel lines. What looks like parallel lines to the naked eye, are in fact not; at some point they will meet.

Now, you might wonder: what on earth does any of this have to do with Julia and Jeremiah? I am glad you asked. The fact is that if you "roll back the tape" just a few years, Julia and Jeremiah, to the naked eye, would seem like those parallel lines on the plane. You would have been forgiven for thinking that this Jewish Russian artist financier would come together with this American Southern truck driver writer. But come together they did... Not only did they come together, but they came together at exactly the right time for both of them. The table was set for great things to come.

Now, moving away from mathematics to philosophy, what happens next is what really matters. You see, call it God, luck or fate, once you come together, you have a choice to make. Luck only takes you to that point where you could just be ships passing in the night. As the Ancient Romans said, the gods help those who help themselves. You need to seize fate, which is what happens to you, and transform it into destiny, which is what happens when you act upon random fate, and imbue it with meaning.

This is exactly what Julia and Jeremiah did. Now, my first draft of the end of the last sentence read, "destiny, which is what happens when you act upon random fate, and imbue it with action and meaning." Then I reminded myself that really sometimes fate can look active, while forging your destiny can seem passive. Destiny is more about imbuing what happens through action or inaction with new meaning. Julia and Jeremiah were not inactive in the choices they made or the places they went in life, before and after their lives intersected. It is, however, at the moment that Jeremiah contends they stopped acting (in more ways than one), that they were able to find their true selves as individuals and as a couple, that were able to find new, deep and rich meaning in their lives, that they were able to seize their shared destiny. There can be no better place to be in life, right here and right now.

Ready to Begin

Today I officiated Sammi and Mike’s wedding ceremony at Sammi’s parents’ cottage on Wellesley Island, New York. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

 

One of the fun facts about Sammi and Mike is that they met through their love of and involvement in team sports. Sammi takes sports very seriously. She majored in sports management at UCONN, and she worked for the UCONN men’s basketball team, even winning a national championship in 2011. And Sammi and Mike did not just meet through some random team playing some random sport. They met through their jobs at the Boston Red Sox.

Now, having grown up in the Middle East, I don't really get American sports, neither the games played, nor the fact that a large part of going to a college happens to revolve around sports. That said, having lived in Texas, where the majority religion is a faith called "football", I have managed to learn a thing or two. (Admittedly, not much more than that...)

Earlier this year I officiated a wedding between the Dallas Cowboys' assistant defensive line coach and a Cowboys front office official. The bride asked me to introduce a little surprise for the groom into the vows, and add the phrase, "in winning and in losing football seasons". The bride happily repeated this, but the groom refused to utter the word “losing” in front of his boss. Interestingly, during the reception, the head coach, Jason Garrett (had to Google that one!) told the bride, that actually adding those words made perfect sense, based on his experiences in his marriage! Still, he wasn't endorsing losing seasons or even games; he was just admitting that in all likelihood they would happen and put a strain on any couple involved in the game.

Now, at the risk of not being allowed off the plane at DFW tomorrow, I would like to posit a view that disagrees. I think loss can be one of the most valuable experiences a person or couple can have. None of us tries to lose, nor should we, but many times loss contains many more lessons and insights than winning does.

These lessons and insights do not come from loss itself, and not from trying to figure out its source or why it happened. They come from the meaning we give to the loss, the meaning we invest in what has happened which can elevate it beyond recognition. It is meaning that takes us from "why", which can be debilitating to "what now" which can only be empowering.

This vital lesson is central to and weaved through Sammi and Mike's stories as individuals and as a couple. I believe this approach is what taught them in Mike's words that, "It’s the simple things in life that matter to us. Not money, fancy items, or crazy adventures. It’s the quality time we spend together that truly matters."

This very place we are in is replete with this understanding, and reminds them and us of that very pure truth. It is a place with many memories. Almost every spot around the cottage reminds her of her grandfather, who she called Poppa, and the quality time they spent here. Indeed, she believes he is here by her side today, and Sammi has a heart made of one of her grandfather’s shirts sewn into her dress. Sammi's beloved dog, Jake's, ashes lie next to the water, where she feels he still watches over them while they enjoy the river. And this very boathouse came out of the fight Sammi's Dad faced with colon cancer. He used the building of the boathouse as a distraction from his battle, always keeping this beautiful wedding in mind. It was something the family had to look forward to, during a very trying time.

Mike talks about struggles and losses during his adolescence, something we are all familiar with, but of which he seemed to have an extra helping. "In some ways," he says about one of the most difficult times for him growing up, "I look back at this as a defining moment for me as an individual. I believe I learned a lot... and that has helped shape the person I am today. I narrowed down a focus of what I wanted to achieve in life and... set out to become that person and develop the skills necessary to be successful."

It is though, through a life altering challenge, that Sammi and Mike experienced together, Sammi's diagnosis of Crohn's disease in 2012, that their relationship was not only solidified, but also imbued with deep meaning. Listen to Sammi's words; this is gold:

"Sitting in hospital rooms on those dark days, makes you realize what is important in life and what is not such a big deal. In those hospital rooms, Mike and I realized that our relationship and our love were what were truly important. If our love can stand going through that, I am confident that it can stand anything that life throws at us."

This makes Sammi and Mike's mutual belief at this very moment understandable, "We are so in love and so ready to begin our life together that there is no time better than now."

The Way That Love is When It is Pure

Saturday evening (8/1) I co-officiated Ellen and Nate's wedding ceremony with Father Richard Thibodeau, at St. Mary's of the Assumption in New Orleans, Louisiana. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

I ask each person I marry to write about themselves. Now, Ellen and Nate, this might surprise a poet and a fiction writer: Writing, like anything else, is something some people are good at, and some people less so. So, I was excited to read the essays of a trained poet, Nate, and a trained fiction writer, Ellen, who I was impressed to find has a long list of publications, available on Amazon, by the way!

I ask each person to write about a few different points. One of these is how they met. Here is how our poet describes the place they met: "Lake Charles is a small city on the north-east shore of the eponymous lake. Because of the unique geographical situation of South Louisiana, Lake Charles contains a port that can accommodate ocean-going vessels, but it is nevertheless separated from the Gulf of Mexico by about two thousand square miles of salt and freshwater marsh. For this reason, living there can sometimes feel like living at the ends of the Earth." He's not that bad at prose either, is he? And yes, this is the first of some 600 essays like these I have read with the word eponymous...

Now, you may protest, that I left out the part about how they met. Wasn't that the point? Well, no. The point was to describe the setting, because to Ellen and Nate the setting is integral to their story. Once again, here is Nate: "Ellen, from Chicago, and I, from Roanoke, both moved to this strange and romantic clime sight unseen. I’d like to think that this really rash life decision shows not utter foolishness on both of our parts, but daring and a willingness to discover our destiny. As it turned out, our destiny was to meet one another and fall in love.​"

Now, why do I use the word "setting" and not the word "place". Well, I feel that if you just keep Nate's poetic description in mind, you already have the answer. It wasn't about a place, it was so much richer than that. They were at the ends of the earth, in a strange and romantic clime. That is a setting. And I belabor that point because Ellen says that growing up, like many writers and romantics, she "always had trouble feeling connected to people and rooted to a place." With Nate in that setting she discovered, in her words, "there is no time or place, it is just us in a vast, beautiful world with so much to learn and experience."

This desire to connect and find peace has led Ellen to her deeply spiritual practice of Yoga. "When I move with my breath," she says, "I am able to quiet my mind and exist in a place of just be-ing... I have learned that I can just be and that I am not my thoughts." But once again, the partnership with Nate is key: "Off the yoga mat, it is a lot harder to remain unattached from your thoughts and anxieties. In so many ways, Nate has taught me how to be in the moment and experience more divine-ness every day."

This purity she describes, where feelings become so real, you can almost touch them, is something that Nate echoes when he speaks of his feelings for Ellen, and what they share. This should tell you all you need to know about their love story, and these words need no commentary: "We have a love that feels palpably real and true, and that becomes richer and more complex with each passing day we spend together... We are best friends and a great team. Our time together has almost exclusively been a time of laughter, trust, and unadulterated satisfaction and joy. This is, I am very sure, the way that love is when it is pure."