The Other 1%

Friday evening, I co-officiated Katie and Austin’s wedding ceremony, at Whaley Place, in Columbia, South Carolina, with Katie’s grandmother, Jere Long. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

It would be odd for me to come to the city where my grandfather, who I am named for, served as the rabbi of the Tree of Life Congregation for 20 years, and not mention it. However, beyond that, I do believe there is a connection between that congregation’s longest serving rabbi, and Katie and Austin.

My grandfather’s life was defined by service, not just to his congregation, but to the larger community in South Carolina, both Jewish and non-Jewish. That is why he volunteered to serve as a civilian chaplain at Fort Jackson, the base that Katie’s mom served at, which caused Katie and Austin to celebrate their wedding in Columbia.

Katie and Austin’s life has also been defined by service, and like many of their comrades, they are very matter-of-fact about the whole thing. Austin writes about how he met Katie, “When I was a junior in college, I met Katie through ROTC.” No big deal, right? And Katie’s, seemingly dry description also plays down any difference between how they met, and any other couple meeting through work, “I was a Platoon Sergeant and he was my First Sergeant, so we interacted daily.”

Of course, the lifestyle that Katie and Austin have chosen is very different, from other couples. They belong to what some call, “the other 1%,” in recognition of the fact, that so few of us, actually, serve in the military. There are good reasons behind this demographic fact. Those who command our modern armed forces rarely feel any nostalgia for the days of the draft. However, there are downsides to this, too. This is not only true in our lives as individuals, but in our lives as couples, too.

One of the greatest lessons you miss out on, if you do not serve, is one I cherish from my time serving, not in the U.S. Army, but in the Israel Defense Force. It is simple. Your success or failure is highly dependent on the success of your unit. Therefore, it is everyone’s responsibility to ensure the success of the unit, and to make up for any individual weaknesses. Your life could, quite literally, depend on this.  

Now, I am not saying that that is why Austin, incorrigible romantic that he is, took Katie on their first date to (I am not making this up) a gun show. I certainly don’t think he got her into shooting, just so his partner could watch his back. However, it should be noted, that only after he got her into shooting, did they, actually, move in together. Just sayin…

Seriously, though, through the miracle of FaceTime, I have had the privilege of hanging out with these two, and having some deep discussions with them. And, I have had to remind myself of their age. There is a different more mature, quietly confident, air about them, that you don’t see in other American couples their age. There is a palpable sense that they embody what then Army Chief of Staff, General Ray Odierno said, in 2012, when he was explaining the key word in the Army’s motto, “The pronoun ‘we’ reinforces our collective or team effort.”

You immediately understand from interacting with Katie and Austin, that they take this lesson to heart, not only in their professional lives, but in the relationship they have built. They understand the fallacy of the other, misguided, short lived motto of their employer, “Army of One,” for any relationship, particularly marriage.

You can see this in how they built this very ceremony and this entire wedding celebration, with an eye towards the happiness, enjoyment and good feeling of not only they, themselves, but their close and extended family too. You can see this in the tenderness and caring they exhibit towards each other, despite the daily, sometimes grueling, demands of their overseas posting.

The interesting thing you learn in living a life of service, like Katie and Austin do, is that, not surprisingly, it makes you a better individual. That is what the ideal marriage does for you too. Austin says this very well, in words you know reflect Katie’s outlook too, “I proposed to Katie because I truly believe she makes everything I do better… She just makes everything I already love more fun. She is amazing to be around, and she pushes me to be my best. I… truly found the person, that I want to be with… (to) continue to improve my life.” We should all be so lucky.

Began with a Salute

Sunday evening (7/19) I officiated Reba and Justin’s wedding ceremony at the Poetry Springs Events in Terrell, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Fortunately for Reba and Justin, they met while serving in the National Guard, which does not prohibit fraternization. When I first spoke to Reba and Justin, I couldn't help but playfully ask if he had in the past, when they met and started dating, saluted her due to their differing ranks, and her commission. (He had, most of the time, at least...)

I recently considered though how a what a salute conveys might be really apt for dating, and deciding on a mate. You have to look back at possible origins of the salute to see what I mean.

 

 

According to the U.S. Army Quartermaster Corps Historian in Fort Lee, Virginia, "One romantic legend has it that today’s military salute descended from the medieval knight's gesture of raising his visor to reveal his identity as a courtesy on the approach of a superior. Another even more fantastic version is that it symbolizes a knight's shielding his eyes from the dazzling beauty of some high-born lady sitting in the bleachers of the tournament."

Now, take one look at Captain Villanueva here, and the second explanation does not seem fantastical at all. Also, Justin implies that the first reason might not fully fit their relationship, as officer and airman. He says that Reba was first interested in him, BECAUSE in their very first interaction he spoke confidently, bluntly and plainly to her, in a way that most Staff Sergeants don’t speak to Captains. However, if we delve a little more into the essence of the first reason, not deference, but revealing your identity, it really does fit well.

Military life may be renowned for its camaraderie, but it can be lonely too. As Reba says, "I loved traveling in the military, but I think it was spending a New Year’s Eve in Paris without a date, that made me feel alone. I guess I finally had the need to want to share my life with someone." It was, perhaps this realization that led Reba to open up (to reveal her true identity or essence, if you will) to Justin, when they subsequently met at a party. "Reba and I," says Justin," ended up off in a corner in deep conversation for several hours, ignoring everyone else at the party." Reba says that she was, "really impressed not only by how innately intelligent he was," but by his character. As Reba adds, "I ended up really liking him at the end of the night and wanted to talk to him more."

As Justin tells it, in short order, he and Reba became inseparable. And as time went on, and with more experiences and challenges that military life throws at a couple, they not only revealed their mutual identities in the spirit of the salute; they found their own and each other's essences, and with it a deep and wonderful connection. And so, Justin could state with surety, "Reba is my best friend and confidant, and there is no other woman I would ever want in my life." And Reba could echo that, saying, "With Justin, I feel like I am finally home."

And so today, what began on a faraway military base with a smart salute, today they will make official under the Chuppah, which symbolizes coming home. Reba and Justin, may you continue to enjoy the deep connection you have built, and may your home be a true  בית נאמן, a faithful home, to you both and to the family you establish here today.