Abide

Sunday morning, I officiated Hayley and Stuart’s wedding ceremony at The Springs, in Aubrey (at the Ranch). Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

I ask each person I marry to write about themselves, and in Stuart’s writing something jumped out at me, immediately, when one specific word repeated itself: Dude. For instance, when he describes his friends, he says that “they are all awesome dudes.”

Stuart is a very laid-back guy. In explaining why he wants to marry Hayley, you can feel that sense of laid back calm, “I want to marry Hayley because we have been together for 4 years and I love her. She is fun to be around and she makes me laugh and I know what kind of person she is deep down. We have been through a lot together. Nothing crazy but definitely a lot over the years.”

Stuart has had an extremely calming effect on Hayley. To wit, she says, “Stuart is truly my very best friend… He always makes me laugh, even when I’m frustrated with him. He has helped me grow emotionally... He is my rock… I feel safe with him, and I know that no matter what life throws at us, we will be able to get through it together. Stuart just brings so much joy to my life, and I wouldn’t be who I am today without him.”

If you still haven’t figured out where I am going with this, yes, I am invoking the extremely Jewish movie, by the Coen Brothers, The Big Lebowski. If you have not seen the movie, whose main character is played by Jeff Bridges, it is subject to many different interpretations, but central to them is a stoic like calmness, embodied in the main character’s motto, “The Dude abides.”

Now, this is a wedding, not a film class, but the movie has very deep lessons for life, and if you look at it closely, its lessons for marriage are lurking right beneath the surface. Incidentally, Jeff Bridges, himself, who as the years have gone by has blurred the lines between actor and character when it comes to this movie, has been married for 45 years.

Let me mention just three lessons very relevant to marriage, that will make sense even if you are unfamiliar with the movie. These are taken from the excellent essay, 10 Most Important Life Lessons from The Big Lebowski:

“Life is unpredictable. You can't predict what will happen. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. You can't have everything. Just deal with it. Don't let it get you down, just accept it as a potentiality every day and live life with the knowledge that not everything can always go your way.

Stress is pointless, and leads to nothing positive, if it can’t be controlled and properly channeled. If you can’t control the situation… Just accept it. Abide…

If life brings you lemons, learn to make lemonade from it. Life is life. Difficult situations, sad moments and unpleasant experiences will come up. Just learn to go with it and don't let it get you down. You can't control everything in life… Move on and enjoy life.”

Thank you, Hayley and Stuart, for reminding us of these important lessons for life and love. May your marriage overflow with happiness and may you both abide.