Six Roses

Sunday evening (7/26) I officiated Leah and Sebastian's wedding ceremony at La Caille in Sandy, Utah. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Lifelong learning means cultivating the ability to live with ambiguity, cherishing the willingness to question, and treasuring the courage to change your mind, when warranted.

 

Leah gets this, and in fact ties this type of thinking to her Jewish identity: "My Jewish identity," she says, "has taught me to ask “why” a lot, and question matters in my life, not just to believe in things I am told, but to find the reasoning behind that belief. Judaism has taught me that I can’t follow people or matters blindly, and when I work with within a system, I believe it is extremely important to have your own moral compass. My Jewish identity taught me that it’s important to do the right thing because it’s the right thing to do... It's okay to see the ambiguity in life, and life’s questions that arise and to sometimes debate and not be sure about the answer to every question."

Sebastian too has followed this type of journey in seeking out his spiritual path: "I mainly asked myself" he writes, "what were the needs for my spirituality and I came to the conclusion that no one religion could answer my needs. What I found most important were broader concepts which transcend any one religion, and which are common values and morals shared amongst all people of good will."

It is this flexibility, this willingness to live with ambiguity, the openness to changing one's mind, that allowed Leah and Sebastian to come together. Leah says: "I always thought because I was so picky, fiercely independent, and my standards were so high, that I wouldn’t get married until I was at least in my late thirties, and I had found peace with that realization, but that’s because I didn’t know a man like Sebastian existed. "Sebastian echoes and augments this, "I was never in a rush to marry and I didn’t really have a timeline per say to getting married, it was always about finding the right person." So, even though Leah says that first she said, "I told him that he seemed like a nice guy, but that I was done with the dating scene," she was willing to question herself and change her mind, when the right guy arrived.

The interesting and somewhat ironic fact about a willingness to question, change and live with ambiguity, is that it actually can clarify and cement the few really important things at the core of your being. This is perhaps why Leah's mom told her, “I know you’ll be okay once I pass away because you’re a good person with a good Jewish heart." Sebastian echoed this thought on his first date with Leah. Listen to her tell it: "He bought me a bouquet of roses. When he handed me the bouquet of flowers, he asked me how many there were and what I thought the significance of that number was. I saw that there were six roses and I had no idea what the significance was of the number six. He told me he bought me six roses because the Star of David has six points on it. He wanted to tell me that he loved me and who I was. He loved and accepted my Jewish heart."

When we recognize life's many ambiguities, and the few ideas that form our core, it clarifies another important idea. It clarifies, in Sebastian's words, the imperative to, "Seize the moment and seize the opportunity... I did that with Leah because I love her with all my heart." Leah underlines his words beautifully: "Because I understand the fragility of this life, it has made me realize that I love Sebastian with all my heart and he loves me all of his heart... When you have that type of relationship and connection with someone, it is only right to start your lives and journey together as soon as possible as husband and wife."

Began with a Salute

Sunday evening (7/19) I officiated Reba and Justin’s wedding ceremony at the Poetry Springs Events in Terrell, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Fortunately for Reba and Justin, they met while serving in the National Guard, which does not prohibit fraternization. When I first spoke to Reba and Justin, I couldn't help but playfully ask if he had in the past, when they met and started dating, saluted her due to their differing ranks, and her commission. (He had, most of the time, at least...)

I recently considered though how a what a salute conveys might be really apt for dating, and deciding on a mate. You have to look back at possible origins of the salute to see what I mean.

 

 

According to the U.S. Army Quartermaster Corps Historian in Fort Lee, Virginia, "One romantic legend has it that today’s military salute descended from the medieval knight's gesture of raising his visor to reveal his identity as a courtesy on the approach of a superior. Another even more fantastic version is that it symbolizes a knight's shielding his eyes from the dazzling beauty of some high-born lady sitting in the bleachers of the tournament."

Now, take one look at Captain Villanueva here, and the second explanation does not seem fantastical at all. Also, Justin implies that the first reason might not fully fit their relationship, as officer and airman. He says that Reba was first interested in him, BECAUSE in their very first interaction he spoke confidently, bluntly and plainly to her, in a way that most Staff Sergeants don’t speak to Captains. However, if we delve a little more into the essence of the first reason, not deference, but revealing your identity, it really does fit well.

Military life may be renowned for its camaraderie, but it can be lonely too. As Reba says, "I loved traveling in the military, but I think it was spending a New Year’s Eve in Paris without a date, that made me feel alone. I guess I finally had the need to want to share my life with someone." It was, perhaps this realization that led Reba to open up (to reveal her true identity or essence, if you will) to Justin, when they subsequently met at a party. "Reba and I," says Justin," ended up off in a corner in deep conversation for several hours, ignoring everyone else at the party." Reba says that she was, "really impressed not only by how innately intelligent he was," but by his character. As Reba adds, "I ended up really liking him at the end of the night and wanted to talk to him more."

As Justin tells it, in short order, he and Reba became inseparable. And as time went on, and with more experiences and challenges that military life throws at a couple, they not only revealed their mutual identities in the spirit of the salute; they found their own and each other's essences, and with it a deep and wonderful connection. And so, Justin could state with surety, "Reba is my best friend and confidant, and there is no other woman I would ever want in my life." And Reba could echo that, saying, "With Justin, I feel like I am finally home."

And so today, what began on a faraway military base with a smart salute, today they will make official under the Chuppah, which symbolizes coming home. Reba and Justin, may you continue to enjoy the deep connection you have built, and may your home be a true  בית נאמן, a faithful home, to you both and to the family you establish here today.

Lose Yourself

Saturday evening (7/18) Reverend Allen Grant and I co-officiated Rachel and Robert’s wedding ceremony at the Perot Museum in Dallas, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Some might think that our general views about the world, would have no impact on our chances of success in the marital game. Common sense tells me otherwise. If, for instance, you think that you have an absolute monopoly on the truth and innermost thoughts of the Creator, will you possibly carry that understanding to spousal differences?  

This is why I love this cosmopolitan couple's shared observation that Robert puts so well: "I was exposed to a large number of religious views during my time on ships and found that almost all religions, be it Christian, Muslim, Judaism, Shinto, Hindu, Buddhism, or anything else all preach a similar message-be good to others and yourself." In this Robert states something very deep at the core of Rachel and his understanding as an interfaith couple: neither of them has a monopoly on the universal truth, and so certainly both are far from having a monopoly on any truth related to their relationship.

The last part of that statement, though, might be the most important. If there is any universal truth out there, one we could even ground in science, it is this: “Be good to yourself, and be good to others.” If you listen to Rachel and Robert talk about each other and their journey together, you know that challenges they have faced together have helped them hone this ability to be kinder and more loving to themselves, as well as to each other, and to the rest of their world.

Rachel puts the degree of their mutual love resulting from this journey of learning so well. Listen up, this is really something: “It is a little cliché, but I... know Robert is the person I want to spend the rest of my days with because he makes me laugh. Saying that doesn’t really do justice to what I mean when I say he makes me laugh. I mean he makes me completely lose it when we need that escape from the stressors in life. I have noticed at times when I am very frustrated with something he actively finds ways to make me bust out into a rolling-on-the-floor, clutching-my-stomach, tears-rolling-down-my-cheeks laugh, and to be able to completely lose yourself in a laugh like that is one of the most wonderful feelings in the world."

I would disagree with only one thing - I don't think it's cliché at all. Though Shakespeare said, "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players," true love should be the one exception to the Bard’s rule. True love means you can shed all pretenses; you can take off all the masks that hide you from the world, and throw your head back and laugh. When you have that one person who can help you do just that, well, that is THE most wonderful thing in the world, indeed.

One Plus One Equals Way More Than Two

Saturday evening I officiated Ashley and Tim’s wedding ceremony at the Hard Rock Hotel in Cancun, Mexico. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Most American Jews come from Eastern Europe. One of the most fascinating slogans in the fight for freedom in the region Ashley's ancestors hail from was "Two plus two always equals four", a popular slogan in the Polish Solidarity movement. You see, the core of Communist doctrine was that the party was always correct, and so if it said that two plus two equals five, than that was true. Solidarity set out to counter that.

Now, as they say, even a broken clock is right twice a day, and finding your soul mate can be an instance, that defies math. If you read between the lines of Ashley's description of Tim's affect on her, you see that one plus one equals way more than two.

"When I met Tim," she says, "I had never met someone who I knew just worked so well with me. He was handsome, funny, intelligent, driven and so outgoing and well liked. Most importantly, Tim makes me feel my best. I had never been dating someone who made me feel like my best person before. Even my family noticed how he made me a better person." Forget the total, her one grew exponentially, because of him!

In fact, as Tim reminds us, in speaking of Ashley, we, our essence, our happiness, grows because of our relationships with all who we love and who return that love: "Besides all of her gleaming qualities (she’s hilarious, beautiful, one of the most admirable dentists in the entire field, a great friend, sister and daughter, she literally has dozens, if not hundreds, of people who would gladly give the shirt off their back for her, among other items), she loves her family and she loves being with my family... I think that her knowing that her family is happy, in turn, makes her happy."

Both Ashley and Tim speak movingly about their mutual feeling of having found their match, as Tim puts it, what Ashley calls their Beshert. This Yiddish word means match or match made in heaven. However, it can also mean lucky. So Ashley's use of this rich multi-layered word echoes Tim's confidence that in finding Ashley, he feels like, "the luckiest guy in the world."

But how do you know you have found your match, your Beshert? How do you know that you are indeed that lucky? I believe that if we look closely at what Ashley and Tim say, we find that answer hidden in plain sight. You know you have found that special someone, that Beshert, that match made in heaven, when your one plus one equals way more than two. You know you are truly the luckiest person in the world, when each "one" grows exponentially, and when in turn the combination of your potential, your growth, and your happiness, becomes simply and purely immeasurable.

A Faithful Home

Saturday afternoon I officiated Heather and Tim’s wedding ceremony on the beach in Crystal Beach, Galveston, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

  

 

In Israel, where I grew up, when a couple tells you they are engaged, the customary response is,  "תבנו בית נאמן"May you build a faithful home." Now, I realize questioning idiomatic phrases does not always make sense, but should an implicit question, at least be, "How do we do THAT?" How do you build a faithful home? I believe if we analyze how Heather and Tim built their relationship, we might just have the answer.

I have often thought before, that our children and certainly our grandchildren will find it extremely odd, if someone tells them they did NOT meet their mate online. "What? You met him without Tweeting each other first?! You weren't even friends on Facebook?! Seriously?!" Heather and Tim are in that sense ahead of their time.

As Tim describes so well: "Heather and I met one another in an online format. We communicated with one another for approximately one month via email, text and phone prior to our first meeting. I believe that this time to get to know one another, albeit not in person, afforded us the opportunity to share a great deal about ourselves and draw initial conclusions regarding our compatibility, without physical attraction playing a major role in our initial impressions of one another. Although I will say that she did look pretty hot in the pictures that she sent to me."

Of course, advance preparation is vital, but not sufficient. As Heather and Time built their relationship, they invested time in having fun, in enjoying the good things together, and in just enjoying togetherness. In dealing with challenges life has thrown at them, they have been there for each other too, supporting each other, and not being reticent of being supported either. Equally as important, they have created an environment where their could get to know, appreciate and love each other and each other's companionship.

Finally, they have openly shared their faith traditions with each other, as they do in this ceremony. As Tim recounts, "As we have grown in our relationship, we have had in depth conversations regarding our religious beliefs and have had opportunities to share insight as to how these beliefs have shaped our personalities and outlook on life." This sharing has led to, in Tim's words, "a respect and genuine interest in getting to know, and accompanying each other to our respective religious services."

So, there you have it. How do you build a בית נאמן , a faithful home? Prepare for and build your relationship in advance and as you get to know each other, revel in your companionship, and support each other in your challenges. Finally, share your inner self and truly learn about your mate's inner self. It worked for Heather and Tim, and it can work for you too...

Different, But All Very Much the Same

Saturday evening I officiated Dora and Barak’s wedding (in Spanish) at Cajamarca, in El Boquerón, El Salvador. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests. A translation in English follows the remarks in Spanish:

Me encanta citar parejas en mis observaciones personales. ¿Puede haber algo más hermoso que las palabras de la pareja acerca de su amor mutuo? Esta vez, probablemente porque esta pareja amorosa es muy inteligente y articulado, me encontré citándolos incluso más de lo habitual. Escuchen; esto es oro!

El primer encuentro de Barak con Dora da a todos los hombres esperanza. Así es como Dora lo cuenta: "Nos llevamos bien  desde el principio. Me disgusto el primer día, porque él nunca se hiba de mi oficina y era mi sombra todo el día asegurándose de que todo iba bien con el proyecto (el cual estábamos trabajando juntos). Sin embargo, esa sensación duró sólo un día. Me empezó a gustar el segundo día, cuando vi que era una buena persona y con corazón bueno". Así que, sí, muchachos; a veces las mujeres nos dan una segunda oportunidad!

Pero en serio,  había algo muy especial, casi místico de ese encuentro. Así es como Barak lo describe: "Desde el momento en que nos conocimos, yo sentía que había algo especial en ella y que estábamos destinados a estar juntos. De hecho, a menudo he sentido una mano invisible que nos está guiando a estar juntos. Un conjunto de circunstancias inusuales nos unió y nos permitió desarrollar nuestra relación a pesar de vivir en diferentes partes del mundo..." No es exactamente lo que se espera escuchar un economista de formación clásica, ¿verdad?

Dora hace eco de este sentimiento mágico: "Yo sabía desde la primera semana que lo conocí, que él era la persona con la que quería pasar el resto de mi vida... Yo simplemente lo sabía en mi corazón." Ella incluso relata que este sentimiento mágico parecía que casi podía alterar el continuo espacio-tiempo: "Disfruté cada minuto que pasamos juntos. Podíamos hablar y hablar durante horas sin darnos cuenta."

Barak habla de cómo Dora y él se complementan entre sí: "Dora me empuja cuando yo procrastino, me insiste a ser más asertivo en las áreas que son importantes para nosotros... Yo ayudo Dora... sugiriendo ser más paciente en lugar de reactiva y le ayuda a mantener la calma cuando está enojado..." Dora habla de la forma en que no sólo se complementan entre sí, pero alrededor de la otra pueden ser ellos mismos totalmente sin pretensiones: "Podemos ser torpes juntos y reírmos de cosas bobas que probablemente, otras personas no se reirían. Me siento cómoda siendo yo misma a su alrededor, y siento que me respeta y ama por lo que soy. Eso me hace amarlo aún más.”

Ahora, por supuesto, nada de esto habría sucedido si no fuera por las filosofías muy similares que Dora y Barak compartieron sobre el mundo mucho antes de que se conocieran. Dora da crédito a sus padres: "Mis padres siempre fueron muy abiertos a otras religiones. Prueba de ello es que me bautizaron en la religión cátolica y tambien fui a una escuela secundaria protestante. Esto me hizo tener una perspectiva diferente, y me permitió... respetar a todas las religiones, creo que todas tienen personas buenas y no tan buenas personas, y en mi opinión, todos conducen al mismo camino." Barak atribuye su apertura similar a sus viajes. Sé que esto va a sorprenderlos – él es un poco más analítico: "Mis viajes por todo el mundo me han puesto en contacto con muchas culturas, sociedades y religiones. Mientras que cada una es única en su manera, la mayoría tienden a compartir una serie de características comunes, incluyendo mitos fundados, una creencia sobre el lugar especial que ocupan en el mundo, y, para las religiones, una reivindicación de la verdad divina de la naturaleza de Dios y la manera correcta de servir a Dios... Con tantas religiones a elegir, ¿cómo vamos a saber cuál es la correcta?"

Esta es quizás la lección más importante que estas dos personas muy inteligentes nos enseñan hoy aquí. Somos diferentes, pero todos muy parecidos. Cuando nos despojamos de lo superficial y lo externo, lo que realmente queda es lo que realmente importa. Esperemos que más personas en el mundo le ponen atención a la lección de Dora y Barak.

Translation:

I love quoting couples in my personal remarks. Can there be anything more beautiful than a couple's words about their mutual love? This time, probably because this loving couple is really smart and articulate, I found myself quoting them even more than usual. Listen up; this is gold.

Barak's first encounter with Dora gives all men hope. Here is how Dora tells it: "We got a long right from the beginning. I disliked him the first day, because he never left my office and was my shadow the entire day making sure everything went ok with the project (we were working on). However, that feeling lasted only one day. I started liking him the second day when I saw he was a nice and good hearted person." So, yes, boys; sometimes you get a second chance!

Seriously, though, there was something extra special, almost mystical about that encounter. Here is how Barak describes it: "From the moment we met, I sensed there was something special about her and that we were meant to be together. In fact, I have often felt an invisible hand that is guiding us to be together. A rather unusual set of circumstances brought us together and allowed us to develop our relationship despite living in different parts of the world..." Not exactly what you would expect to hear from a classically trained economist, right?

Dora echoes this magical feeling: "I knew from the first week I met him, that he was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with... I simply knew it in my heart." She even relates that this magical feeling seemed like it could almost alter the space-time continuum: "I enjoyed every minute we spent together. We could talk and talk for hours without realizing it."

Barak talks about how much Dora and he complement each other: "Dora pushes me when I procrastinate, urges me to be more assertive in areas that are important to us... I help Dora... suggesting she be more patient instead of reactive, and helping her to be calm when she is angry..." Dora talks about how they not only complement each other, but around each other can totally be themselves without pretense: "We can be silly and goofy together and laugh at things probably other people wouldn’t laugh at. I feel comfortable being myself around him, and I feel he respects me and loves for who I am. That makes me love him even more."

Now, of course, none of this could have happened if not for the very similar philosophies that Dora and Barak shared about the world long before they met each other. Dora credits her parents: "My parents were always very open to other religions. Proof of that is I went to a Protestant high school. This made me have a different perspective, and allowed me to... respect all religions. I think they all have good people and not so good people, and in my opinion they all lead to the same path." Barak attributes his similar openness to his travels. I know this will shock you - he is a little more analytical: "My travels throughout the world have brought me into contact with many cultures, societies, and religions. While each is unique in their own ways, most tend to share a number of common features, including founding myths, a belief about the special place they occupy in the world, and, for religions, a claim to the divine truth of the nature of God and the correct way to serve God... With so many religions to choose from, how are we to know which is the correct one?"

This is perhaps the most important lesson these two very smart people teach us here today. We are different, but all very much the same. When we strip away the superficial and the external, what is really left is what really matters. Let us hope more people the world over heed Dora and Barak's lesson.

Creation and Evolution

Sunday evening I officiated Kim and Chris’s wedding at Cityplace in Dallas, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

I always ask couples two questions that coming from anybody else in any other circumstance, would be considered highly rude. Why do you want to get married, and why now? These are really important questions, and couples should know how to answer them, for their own sake. As you might imagine, I get a huge variety of answers. However, Chris' answer to this question stands out, even among the myriad of other grooms who quote Ancient Greek philosophers:

"Plato wrote that humans were once male and female and had four arms four legs. Zeus was threatened by humans, and so he split them into two beings. From then every human would forever long for his or her other half, the other half of his or her soul. It is said that when the two find each other, there is an unspoken understanding of one another, that they feel unified, that they would lie with each other in unity and would know no greater joy than that. Nothing," ends Chris, "better describes how I feel about Kimmy and why I want to marry her and marry her now."

Wow. Isn't that cool?! I am not entirely sure, but I think this is why Kim calls Chris her lobster. (They have four legs right?) Then again, how much can a rabbi really understand about seafood...?

Now the interesting thing is that this legend exists in the Judeo-Christian tradition too. In fact, it lies at the heart of the often misunderstood second creation story in Genesis. The way we usually understand the story is that God takes one of Adam's ribs and builds from it woman. However, a closer reading of the Hebrew reveals that this translation, found in the King James Bible is wrong. The words for rib and side are interchangeable, and the correct interpretation is that God slices the primordial Adam into two - two sides that were up until then one.

Now, you might ask, if this story found both in Plato's writings and in the Hebrew Bible reflects a certain truth, why is it that we don't all experience love at first sight, when we find that other half? Kim and Chris in their stories about themselves and each other address that, in fact. For though there are beautiful lessons to be learned from creation myths, we know as Judaism and Episcopalian Christianity acknowledge, that this world was not created, ad nihilo. None of our worlds spring fully grown out of nothing, and that is a good thing. This world, all worlds, in the collective sense and the individual sense, evolve. Kim vividly describes how she had to evolve to the point, where she could seek her long lost half, Chris. Chris vividly describes how he had to evolve to the point, where he could seek his long lost half, Kim. And when they came together, they did indeed feel that unspoken understanding of one another, but they still had to evolve as a couple. With time, with growth, with learning, with faith, and with love of themselves and of each other, they evolved and reached that moment of unity, where they would know no greater joy.

In this, in the tension we must exist in, between finding what and who was created for us, and that towards which we must evolve, Kim and Chris teach us a huge lesson, one we would all do well to heed.