Perfect Words

Last night, Saturday 8/17, I officiated Rebecca and Paul's wedding at the Hotel Intercontinental in Addison, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared:

 

 

Now, I firmly believe no one becomes a rabbi, unless they like the sound of their own voice. I mean, face it, how many professions nowadays are there, where whatever you say, people sit, listen politely, and assume, based on your training, that what you are saying MUST be brilliant, perhaps holy. It's enough to make your head spin!

Seriously, though, I find the words of my couples about their love and why they wish to marry, way more interesting and inspiring, than whatever I might come up with about them. Simply put, the insights I get from couples about the eternal truths of love and marriage are many times pure gold.

Now, I mention this specifically here, because though I always base my remarks on lessons from the couple, I usually elaborate on what they said, and share my own thoughts on what I learned from them. However, when I reviewed what Rebecca and Paul wrote regarding their love for each other and their desire to marry, I decided that I was mainly going to just read what they wrote. I just found their words so perfect.

Rebecca writes:

"I could not dream of a man who could have been any more supportive and loving in tough times. That is what really matters. You want to be with someone who you enjoy having fun with and can get along with, have the same interests and be a “perfect” match, and that’s great. But, to truly know if that is your “perfect” match, you have to... go through... hard times and unhappy events, to see how strong your love really is. The hard times are what test love, and if you can come out of those stronger and more loving and supportive of one another, then you really have found your “perfect match.” That is what Paul is for me. He is my rock, my clown, my friend, my lover, my soul mate."

Paul writes:

"God blessed me when he brought Rebecca into my life, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her.  I want to grow old with her, I want to have a family with her, and at the end of my life I want hers to be the last face I see and the last words I hear."

Now, THAT is brilliant, and as the kids say today, "Nuff said!"

Gifts of Love and Friendship

Yael and Ed's wedding yesterday (Wednesday 8/14) was really intimate. They moved here just recently from their homeland, France. In my personal remarks I reflected on their lives and their relationship, and how it reflects the gifts their original homeland gave their newly adopted one.

I think that Yael and Ed in their lives and in their love highlight the importance of taking chances, and embracing the freedom of adventure. They have had many different and wonderful experiences together, and through these experiences their love has blossomed and matured.

To me, as an American, this is reminiscent of the love and friendship the French people have shown  us Americans.

Had France not taken a chance on this young country in the 1770s and 1780s, there would be no United States. Had Alexis de Tocqueville not helped us understand ourselves and our identity, arguably our identity would not be fully mature. Had the French people not gifted us the Statue of Liberty, we would not have one of our great symbols of true freedom as a nation, a nation which still holds on to the adventure that is the American dream.

So, Yael and Ed, as you begin your lives as husband and wife in this new promised land, hold on to your sense of adventure, relish in your new possibilities, and may your love continue to blossom and mature with each passing day.

An Ongoing Conversation

Last night, Saturday 8/3, Pastor John Duty and I co-officiated Nicole and Nick's wedding at Cranbrook Academy of Art in Bloomfield Hills, Michigan. Here are the remarks I shared:

I believe that anyone who knows Nicole and Nick will tell you that they "suffer" from the Lake Woebegone affect; they are both quite above average... So, there is a lot we can learn from them.

I believe that one of the areas we can learn from them is the very idea of two people coming together from different faith traditions, with different ideas about the world. You see, the most striking thing about Nicole and Nick is the fact that while they each have very distinct and different ideas about the spiritual world, they do not let that create even the slightest distance between them. Quite the opposite!

Nicole and Nick are deeply in love, so much so that in what is a mutually held description she says, "I didn’t even know that people like Nic existed to dream about." Lest you think, however,  that they are starry eyed, and just ignore and overlook their differences, let me tell you that these two are friends and intellectual soul mates in the deepest sense of those word. Not for nothing does Nick describe their relationship as, "having (a) conversation that hasn't seemed to cease in over three years."

So, how do they do it? Well, I recently found this beautiful quote from the great Christian theologian of the 20th Century, Reinhold Neibhur:

"Nothing that is worth doing can be achieved in our lifetime; therefore we must be saved by hope. Nothing which is true or beautiful or good makes complete sense in any immediate context of history; therefore we must be saved by faith. Nothing we do, however virtuous, may be accomplished alone; therefore we must be saved by love. No virtuous act is quite as virtuous from the standpoint of our friend or foe, as it is from our own standpoint; therefore we must be saved by the final form of love, which is forgiveness."

What is Neibhur telling us here? I believe he is saying that surely our views, our beliefs, our convictions matter. Honestly, why study theology and philosophy, if they don't, right? We must be guided by the paradigms we use to find meaning in the world.

However, when we step back for a second, we realize that we must put our paradigms in context. We really can't and shouldn't take ourselves too seriously. We must understand that the universe is great and time is infinite, while we are small and finite. And so, when all is said and done, we must be saved not by our paradigms of thinking, but by love, and by the final form of love, forgiveness.

This is how Nicole and Nick live their lives. May we all be wise enough to learn from them.

A Feeling of Safety and Peace

On Saturday 7/20, I co-officiated Bethany and Justin's wedding with Bethany's close friend, Pastor Crystal Alexander at Ashton Gardens in Corinth, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with everyone:

Bethany tells the coolest story about  a pivotal time she saw Justin. I could paraphrase it, but she tells it so well, so here it is in her own words:

"On the day of the police test I can only remember just how terrified I was. This was what I had been working so hard for, and I was about to find out if I would be an officer or not. At that time I looked up to see Justin Todd walking in the door. At that moment I forgot what I had come to test for. All I could see was Justin and his smile."

Wow.

Now one of the reasons I love this is that this couple's story is NOT one of those phony "love at first sight" stories. First, because this was bot their first interaction, and second, because those can only go skin deep, and these cops are way too serious for that.

This was just the beginning. Jason picks up the story with lunch after the exam:

"We discovered we had many of the same interests and ideas, and were looking for the same things in a partner. From that day forward we have been together. Our relationship has grown from a friendship, through dating to now being engaged."

What is their secret though? Bethany shares a sentiment that if you know this couple, you know is mutual:

"No one else on this earth has the power to calm my nerves and to make me feel safe like he does."

What is she telling us here? That like any really solid loving relationship, the common ideas and values are all critical yet the core is the feeling of safety and peace that these two peace officers bring to each other. It is that ineffable emotion that is the real glue that holds us together with our lovers. It is that glue that I am confident will hold you, Bethany and Justin together from this day forward.

Apples and Trees

On Friday 7/12, Pastor Doris Harris and I co-officiated Megan and Cedric's wedding at Noah's in Irving, Texas. Here are the personal remarks I shared with them:

I wrote these remarks walking the streets of downtown Chicago. I ask each person I marry to write a short autobiographical essay, and was rereading Megan and Cedric's essays at the foot of the old Sears Tower. I was thinking about how intrigued we are by such mammoth constructions. We are especially intrigued by climbing to the top, and looking down upon the world, gaining a greater perspective of our physical surroundings. If only we had a similar vehicle to gain greater perspective upon our lives, our personalities, our mark on the world.

Oh, wait there is such a vehicle; our children...

One of the things you learn pretty quickly as an educator working with children is that usually the apple does indeed NOT far from the tree. So much so that you can, with few exceptions, predict how your interaction with the tree will go.

That is why I love it when I get to meet couples' children during the process of working on their ceremony. You see, I got to read their essays, and I found, like others who know them, a kind, happy, driven couple, who are full of integrity and mutual love, but those were still just words. In meeting their daughter, talking to her, and interacting with this small family I got the bird's eye view, the true perspective that backed up those words. You could see the true great character of this couple shining through. The apple showed you everything you needed to know.

Megan and Cedric, may you continue to share this same love that shines through your daughter today, and enjoy the fruit of your labors from now and forever more.

Passion for Learning

I hadn't officiated a wedding at the Dallas World Aquarium for about 25 hours, so I returned last night to officiate Jessica and Ramin's wedding. In my personal remarks, I always talk about what I learned from the couple, and that is where I began this time too.

I think it is actually in this very area of the importance of learning in the here and now and from each other, that Jessica and Ramin teach us an important lesson.

Jessica and Ramin come from two of the most ancient cultures in the world. Persian and Jewish history goes so far back that it makes the German town that Jessica's current last name invokes look downright new, being founded in 766.

There is great pride in coming from such ancient cultures. However, there is a hazard there too. It is very tempting for members of such rich cultures to sit back on their laurels, and believe that the past is all that matters, and that new knowledge and learning is not only unnecessary, but to be discouraged.

Jessica and Ramin are fine examples of taking the opposite approach. They have each thought deeply about their respective heritages, embraced what was meaningful to them, and continued to learn. They have each strived and continue to strive to know and discover more about the world and about themselves.

Most importantly, they have not just seen each other as lovers, but as fellow learners too. Perhaps one of the only things they might passionately disagree on in this area is who benefitted more from whom. Jessica will tell you that she learned so much more from Ramin, and Ramin will tell you how much more he learned from Jessica. They each will tell you how much more the other inspires them to better themselves each and every day.

Jessica and Ramin, continue on this path of passion for learning, and continue to inspire each other. Through may you find not just 11 years of happiness you have had do far, but seven fold more years to come.

Communication, Mutual Help and Acceptance

Last night, Friday 7/5, Pastor Frank Lane and I co-officiated Ilisa and Landon's wedding at the Dallas World Aquarium. (Right in front of a big fish tank!) here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

In describing the flowering and development of their relationship, Ilisa and Landon touch upon some simple and important attributes that we all know of, but that this couple was astute enough to actually do.

Communication: From John Gray's Mars and Venus through Dave Barry's comedy, we all know the challenges of communication between men and women. You need to be conscious of this, and resolve to overcome these difficulties. And so, Ilisa and Landon told me that, "From the beginning both of us were very straightforward about what our expectations were..."

Helping each other become better: An ideal marriage is one where simple mathematics are defied. We do not just perform a simple operation of 1+1= 2. Rather, we help each other, and ourselves become better, and so 1+1 equals more. As Landon tells us, "I like who I am when I am with her. It’s a much more mature relationship. Who she is builds me up..."

Acceptance: Now one might think if we can communicate well, and we make each other and ourselves better through a mature marriage, well, all problems are solved, and we are all set. If only. We remain human, our marriages are created by humans, even in the best of circumstances take on our fallibilities. As Ilisa and Landon tell us, marriage is not about imagining a perfect partner or perfect marriage. Rather, it is about my partner, but also me, "Accepting all the bad and good things about me..."

Ilisa and Landon, these astute observations are not a given with every couple, as they are with you. Hold on to that, and through communication, mutual help and acceptance, may you find happiness for many years to come.