Richly Meaningful

Saturday evening, I officiated Anna and Aaron’s wedding ceremony at the Dallas Zoo, in Dallas, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Our modern world allows us to indulge in the fantasy, that we control our circumstances. In fact, we constantly look for apps in the technological realm and life-hacks beyond that realm, to help us FEEL like we are in control. We even pine for an imagined yesteryear, when we think people had more control over their lives, though the evidence usually belies this thought. 

Anna and Aaron's love story teaches us to embrace the lack of control, inherent in human life, rather than allowing it to cause us discomfort. This is little ironic, since causing discomfort was one of Aaron’s chief objectives in high school... In classes he and Anna shared, he expended a considerable amount of his energy on trying to make her and others laugh. Listen to Anna: "He was an insufferable flirt and made me pretty embarrassed, but seemed funny and nice enough when he didn’t realize I was nearby... I remember our Spanish teacher often struggling not to laugh at something he said during class, because it was slightly inappropriate and she was trying not to show that she was amused. I noticed that class was a lot less interesting on days when he wasn’t there."

Now, if you don't know Anna and Aaron, you would think, ah, high school sweethearts. But no, even though Anna admits she had a little bit of a crush during high school, and Aaron was clearly interested in Anna, their lives took them on their separate, very meaningful and quite different journeys. They had only sporadic contact in the decade after high school. There wasn't an "app for that”; there were no life-hacks. Aaron emphasizes that, on one occasion, Anna even failed the door test, a cinematic love-life-hack from "A Bronx Tale". (If you don't know what I am talking about, find me during the reception and I will show you the YouTube clip...)

They were each open to their personal journeys, because they embraced their not perfectly orderly, but richly meaningful endeavors. And this very spirit of adventure, coupled with deep thoughtfulness, allowed them to reconnect years later, and rekindle a spark that was there all along. It also allows them, two people who have known each other for almost 20 years, to keep their relationship serious and fun at the same time (though admittedly, this involves a substantial amount of eye-rolling for Anna...)

This is why Anna says, "Some people just get under your skin (in a good way). Aaron makes me laugh and keeps life interesting. We have different interests (he loves death metal; I don’t), but also enjoy doing things together and are on the same page about the big stuff..." And it is why Aaron says, "There’s no friend I’d rather spend all my time with than Anna."

Hashtag #sayidotothejew

Saturday evening I officiated Lauren and Doug’s wedding ceremony at Arlington Hall at Lee Park, in Dallas, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

The morning I sat down to write these remarks, I saw a picture that Lauren's friend, Monica, posted on Facebook. There she was with Lauren, at Scarpetta's in Miami Beach and Lauren was wearing a sash that said, "Bride to Be". Astute observer that I am, I understood that this was Lauren's bachelorette party. There were a number of hashtags used: #miami, of course, and #hellomrsgreenspan, but this one I liked the most was #sayidotothejew. Priceless!

Interestingly, just a day or two prior to writing these remarks, I was talking to another couple about how, officiating weddings in other parts of the world, I couldn't help but notice that Europeans and Latin Americans use sashes way more liberally. You know that person is Mayor or President, because they have a sash! Why don't we do that more in the U.S.? Aren't we, especially in places like Texas and New York, SUPPOSED to be flashier?

Anyway, the bride to be sash and the hashtag #sayidotothejew reminded me how wonderfully lucky we are to live in the time we do. Some people pine for a world of yesterday, but not me. 100 years ago, even 40-50 years ago, the society we lived in was very different. In that society, if Lauren and Doug could even get married, they probably would have to do so quietly, maybe at the county clerk's office. There would be no sashes and no hashtags. Perhaps, they would never have gotten married altogether.

What a profound loss that would have been! How do I know? Just listen to the way they describe their relationship. Lauren says: "I knew Doug was different as soon as I met him. He really listens to my needs and cares about me... Being with Doug made me realize that what the two of us had doesn't come along very often... Even though we spent most of our lives apart, we have the same values. Our relationship has deepened naturally and effortlessly and I know he is the only one for me."

Wow! Now listen to Doug, who begins with a description of the beginning of their relationship, and talks about some of the practical aspects of their relationship: "We spent the next couple of weeks going on dates and spending a lot of time together. It quickly became clear that this was someone that was special. Our conversations flowed. I thought she was beautiful and fun. I also thought it was really great how many friends she had and how they all said such nice things about her. She had friends from back in high school (some of them were her roommates) that reminded me of my friendships with my friends from back in the day. I think it says a lot about a person when they can keep friends for so long because in every relationship there will be ups and downs. The important thing is how you deal with them. I think I'm a pretty practical person and this showed me that she was as well. I love living with her. I am forced to keep the place cleaner than I might otherwise would on my own but that's for the best. She's always appreciative of my cooking and I always enjoy cooking a meal for the two of us."

The mutual appreciation and love that is expressed by this couple is summed up well in what Lauren adds: "I never could have imagined that I would be marrying such an amazing guy and that the relationship I would have with my future husband would be as loving and warm as it is."

One of the reasons given for the breaking of the glass, that will close out this ceremony, is that it is to remind us, even at a time of great happiness, that the world is still broken. It is hard to argue with such a statement. However, the extension of that statement should not be a pining for yesterday. As Lauren and Doug show us, in words and action, the world of today, the world that allowed them, in a matter of fact way, to openly court, fall in love and marry is better than any imagined utopian yesteryear.

Indeed, the world we live in today is worthy of a special ancient Jewish blessing for happy times and occasions, a blessing that Lauren and Doug's wedding day is well worthy of: "Blessed are you Lord, our God, Ruler of the universe, who has given us life, sustained us, and brought us to THIS time."

Guanajuato

On Saturday I co-officiated Veronica and Jeff's wedding ceremony with Padré Hugo Landeros, Antigua Hacienda de Dolores, in Guanajuato, Mexico. Here is what I shared with them and their guests:

Like most Americans, I did not know anything of Guanajuato, before Veronica and Jeff asked me to co-officiate their wedding. So, naturally, I was like, why Guanajuato? Once I looked into Guanajuato, I feel like now I need to ask other couples, why NOT Guanajuato?! I mean it is not every day that you get to visit a city that is in its entirety an UNESCO world heritage site! What an honor to co-officiate a wedding ceremony in such a beautiful city.

 

Now, interestingly, I think that there is a specific connection between Veronica and Jeff's relationship and this city. I am not even sure they realize this connection. What do I mean by that? Well, Guanajuato has many claims to fame. However, if I may be so bold as to single out what I think are the two most important of these, I would say they are, Guanajuato's rich natural resources, and its centrality in the story of Mexico's independence. The riches found in the soil of this city are legendary. And the spirit of the Mexican fight for independence which sprung from that very soil is the stuff of legend.

How does that connect to this couple? Well, when you listen to Veronica and Jeff tell you about the birth, the beginning, the inception of their relationship, you get the sense that it was so effortless, so natural, that it was as if it was embedded in them already, like the riches in this soil. Now, of course, with relationships, as with the founding of nation-states, even if something had natural potential you can't just rely on that. As any behavioral professional, like these two, will tell you, relationships require effort. And Veronica and Jeff have invested and continue to regularly invest in the joyous work of growing their loving relationship. That is how in the years that followed, they have kept that freshness and natural richness of their love story alive. That my friends, is why Guanajuato's story is Veronica and Jeff's story too. That is why this place is so perfect for making their love story official.

We Could Count on Each Other

Saturday evening I officiated Jaclyn and Norman’s wedding ceremony at Marché Bonsecours, in Montreal, Quebec. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Jaclyn and Norm have a very special love story. It begins with a mixture of innocence and what Norm calls "cheekiness". Listen to the how Norm tells it. It starts right outside his apartment. Coming from a family with a family business, you would probably not be surprised that he felt right at home living "above the store", or at least A store:

"The store and my apartment shared a common entrance and it was in that little corridor where I met my future wife. I was jiggling with my keys to get in and this cute girl popped out of the store to greet me. She was wondering what I was doing (not knowing I lived upstairs). When I told her that I was simply going home she asked me if she could run up and see my apartment and instructed me to watch the store – I loved this cheekiness right away."

So, why do I say cheekiness AND innocence? Well, because neither of these two were looking for a mate. They really were just going kind of minding their own business, until this encounter. Listen to Jaclyn's complementary description of their chance meeting, and you'll see what I mean:

"When Norm came into my life it was completely unexpected. There must be some truth in the saying ‘Love happens when you least expect it.' I was not looking for anyone or anything in particular. It was just any other day and I was alone working at a boutique... (Parenthetically, I find it interesting that the one with the non-French name called it a boutique...) It was a Sunday (in the) late afternoon and I was just about to close..." Really innocent, so far, right? Well, the cheekiness is about to come back: "I was not expecting a very tall and handsome young man to walk up to the store. He couldn’t possibly be shopping for costume jewelry. I popped out the door and asked him what he was up to. When he answered that he was on his way up to his apartment I was intrigued because I had no idea that someone was living up there, yet alone that ‘someone’ happened to be a young and charming guy."

This was the beginning of a deep love connection. What do I mean by deep? Well, two things. Listen to Norm describe what might be referred to as the "essence" of his bride: "What I love about Jaclyn is her genuine kindness. She is a wonderful person with a massive heart and she seeks to make those around her happy." And Jaclyn tells us about Norm and how he makes her feel, "I am completely myself when we are together and he understands me more than anyone has. He is also the ultimate life partner- he is patient, supportive, interested, affectionate and always so positive."

The second reason for why I say deep, is that marriage is sometimes somewhat of a gamble, or at least an educated guess. What do I mean by that? Well, typically, a young couple has not had to deal with too much in their lives. So, essentially they bet on the fact that not only will they be able to celebrate in the good times, but also weather the bad times together. That is why the traditional vows say, "in good times and in bad."

Well, no educated guesses needed with these two... Norm recounts the realization they came to together, "[In] that extremely difficult time, we realized how much we could count on each other for support and strength. Moreover, we realized that we could likely get through anything life would eventually throw at us as a team."

Renewing the Covenant

Wednesday evening, I officiated Jenna and Mike’s vow renewal ceremony at the Hyatt Place Dallas/Garland/Richardson, in Garland, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

There is not much in the research literature about vow renewals. Though the eternal source of all great wisdom, Wikipedia, contends that this custom has some roots in Italy, it admits that this is a largely modern and largely American phenomenon, not that there is anything wrong with that.

Interestingly, though, the Hebrew Bible actually tells a fascinating story, which can be understood through this modern ritual, that Jenna and Mike celebrate today. In the final chapter of the Book of Joshua, this mythical successor of Moses gathers all of the people. He reviews their history, from the days of Abraham, through the slavery and exodus from Egypt, to the battles he himself led to settle the Land of Israel.

Then Joshua says, “Now, therefore, revere the Lord, and serve him with undivided loyalty… Or, if you are loath to… serve the Lord, choose (who)… you are going to serve…” So, despite their long history together, despite their ongoing relationship, Joshua says that they must make a covenant with God. Here is what they answer, “Far be it from us to forsake the Lord… He is our God… We will serve none, but the Lord.” And then scripture tells us, “On that day… Joshua made a covenant for the people.” Now, if you know the Bible story up until that point, this might seem a little odd. What on earth is Joshua doing here? Hadn’t the people already made a covenant with God, at the time of Moses? Why this seemingly superfluous repetition?

However, if we think about the marital relationship, and many scriptures allude to the relationship of the God of Israel and his people, as analogous to a marital relationship, it makes total sense. You see, not to rain on any romantic party, but let’s face it, at best, committing to someone in marriage is an educated guess. Why do I say that? Well, because the “I” of today is not the “I” of ten years from now, and the “You” of today are not the “You” of ten years from now. So, when we marry, not just for today, but for tomorrow, the day after, ten years later, and hopefully many more, what are we saying? We are saying that we know each other well enough, and that our love is strong enough, that we know that the “We” of tomorrow, will be as committed and as in love as the “We” of today.

Now, again, fairy tales are lovely, but if you know anything about marriage, especially one with four great kids, all under the age of ten, that fairy tale can be hard work! And so, the fact that the “We” of yesterday committed to each other, carries heavy weight, but it is not enough. Consciously and unconsciously, you must make an affirmative decision, like Jenna and Mike do, to keep investing in that wonderful endeavor we call marriage and family. And, if you know Jenna and Mike, you see that love and determination, with which they make that affirmative decision, not just today, but every day.

Don’t take my word for it. Listen to what they wrote about their love story, “We are honestly like two peas in an odd pod. We are almost complete opposites on almost every topic. However on all the important things we are exactly on the same page. We choose to stay married because we have a strong sense of family and love. We both love each other for our flaws and for our greatness. We build each other up everyday.”  

Through what Jenna and Mike do today, we gain understanding of Joshua’s actions too. Joshua recognizes that the historical covenant is important, but not sufficient. He, therefore, calls the people, not to make a covenant, but to renew their covenant with their heritage and with their historical traditions; traditions which Jenna and Mike embrace in their lives, and embrace in today’s ceremony too. 

What Matters Most

Saturday afternoon, I officiated Kelly and Joey's wedding ceremony, at Crosswater Hall at Nocatee Center in Ponte Vedra, Florida.

One of the interesting facts about life in America is that when we meet someone new, one of the first questions (if not the very first) we usually ask is, "What do you do for a living?" In some societies this would be considered rude. And, in the forties, fifties and sixties, men would usually ask each other, "Where did you serve?" Having grown up in Israel, the latter question is the same we would ask meeting someone new.

The fact that we, as a society, are conditioned to accept that the first thing we might ask someone is what their profession is, should trouble us just a little. Obviously, work is important. Most of us spend much of our time at our workplaces. Hopefully, if we are lucky, we have found not just a money making opportunity, but a meaning making opportunity. Still, we should not take ourselves and our jobs so seriously.

Now, no one can say Kelly and Joey are pikers in the professional arena. They have each ascended to what is number two on the Jewish Mother MVP (most valuable profession) list. Luckily, though, they have not let this get to their heads.

 

In fact, one of the refreshing things about Joey is that in defining himself, very straightforwardly he will tell you, "I never really took myself too seriously..." And Kelly, when I asked her, as I ask every person I officiate for, to write about herself, she did something telling too. She wrote her essay in the third person. To me that indicates, that she is able to do what all of us should, but not all of us can: She can step away from her own vantage point, and view herself and her world objectively.

What do they value? Well, they value what matters most to them, family and friendships. After all, Joey works for the family firm. And Kelly (in the third person) says, "Kelly is a 'Mama’s Girl.' Since moving to Jacksonville, she speaks with her mom at least 6 times throughout the day, and is not ashamed to admit it! ... Throughout her entire life, Kelly has managed to create meaningful and lasting friendships that go back to kindergarten. Since her fabulous family is quite small, she considers all of her friends an extension of her family and is very fortunate for that." Wow. How cool is that?

And the focal point of their lives is their love for each other. Joey, as a lawyer, does list bullet points to this effect. By the way, if you know Kelly and Joey, hearing this list, you will know she could and would write more or less the same:

"Why I want to spend the rest of my life with Kelly:

(1) She's beautiful - inside and out
(2) She's funny
(3) She's caring
(4) She's smart
(5) I never get sick of her (that may be damning with feint praise, but still, and finally:)
(6) I love her
I could go on all day with this list, so let's just consider it non-exhaustive.”

What Matters

Saturday evening I officiated Amanda and Logan’s wedding ceremony at The Joule in Dallas, Texas. One of Logan’s claims to fame is that he recently won the Dallas Marathon, an achievement not attained by any other American in thirteen years! Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Some of the best lessons couples have taught me have been, interestingly enough, unconscious lessons, lessons they may not have realized themselves.

Amanda tells a fascinating story about her childhood: "Friday nights were a particularly special time for us, as my dad often played his guitar in family services. I remember thinking he was 'famous' and I admired him so much for standing up in front of our entire congregation to sing." Now, Amanda wrote this about her dad, a good few months before someone else here actually became famous, having done something that no American had in thirteen years.

But, of course, that is not where Amanda's story about her dad ends. She adds, "I loved seeing the joy in my mother’s eyes as she watched him up there. The twinkle in my mother’s eyes that I noticed at Friday night services was the twinkle she had from knowing she was in love. That sparkle comes knowing the man she was sharing her life with was her best friend, team mate, and confidant."

So, yes, the child-Amanda thought her dad was famous. However, even then it was clear to her that that was not the point, and that was not what mattered. What mattered was her parents' love story, that they had written together. And so, many years later, Amanda wrote, "That’s what I wanted, and that’s what I found when I met Logan."

Logan tells a fascinating story too, regarding how he met Amanda. It involved a woman named Alix, who is present here today. She's the one over there, who will start blushing in about fifteen seconds. Logan writes, "I had never met Alix, but I could tell she was a strong presence. She kept asking me if I was dating anyone and wanted to know my dating history. I felt like I was being cross-examined. After a few minutes she said, that I was going to meet her cousin, fall in love and get married. Then she took my cell phone, friended Amanda on Facebook and put her contact information in my phone." Beyond the obvious humor, and extraordinary intuition, this exhibits that same idea inherent in Amanda's childhood tale. Alix predicted that they would write a story together, one that would be very special.

And why does Logan want to write his love story, or rather continue to write his love story with Amanda. He tells us, "Amanda carries all the qualities that I have looked for: caring, loving, supportive and patient." Here is where he gets a little meta in this context, "She cares to know people on a deeper level and understand what in their past has affected the way they are today." So, intriguingly, he desires to write a shared love story with her, because she so cares about other people's stories!

What Amanda and Logan teach us today is that what really matters is not how many people know our name, and not what someone someday might say about an external achievement. What matters are the stories we write together with our lovers and with our loved ones. Because in the grand scheme of things, when we are all long gone, those stories of love and the meaning inherent in them will long live on.