Don't Be Afraid to Add Some Spice

      

Yesterday, Saturday 3/29, I co-officiated Marisol and Jonathan's wedding in Acapulco, Mexico with Padré Jesús Quirce Andrés, L.C., Rector of the Universidad Anahuac. We officiated the entire ceremony in Spanish. My personal remarks in Spanish follow, along with a translation to Englsih below them:   

Lo que me gusta de Marisol y Jonathan es que son personas profundas e inteligentes que viven a través de ciertas sencillas pero profundas ideas pero tanto como individuos y como pareja . 

Ellos saben que en este mundo material en el que vivimos, las cosas son importantes, pero las experiencias importan mucho más. Por lo tanto hay que saborearlas.

Ellos entienden que las identidades religiosas y culturales son importantes, pero el enfoque de la religión ha de dirigirse en ser una buena persona. Por lo tanto , debemos canalizar nuestros sentimientos religiosos en hacer del mundo un lugar major. 

Se dan cuenta de que lo que los mexicanos nos han enseñado a los estadounidenses, que las buenas relaciones como la buena comida son mejores picante que insípida. Por lo tanto, ellos no temen por las diferencias. Ellos las aprovechan para mejorar su amor.

Así que ahí los tienen, saborear sus experiencias, hace del mundo un lugar mejor y logra que no le temamos a un poco de picante en la vida. No es una mala receta para una vida feliz juntos.

What I like about Marisol and Jonathan is that they are deep and smart people who live by a few simple yet profound ideas as individuals and as a couple.

They know that in this very material world we live in, things do matter, but experiences matter much more. Therefore we must savor them.

They understand that religious and cultural identities matter, but religion's focus must be on being a good person. Therefore, we must channel our religious feelings into making the world a better place.

They realize that what you Mexicans have taught us Americans, that good relationships like good food are better spicy rather than bland. Therefore, they don't shy away from their differences. They harness them to enhance their love.

So there you have it, savor your experiences, make the world a better place and add don't be afraid of some spice. Not a bad recipe for a happy life together.

A Love That is Deep and Profound

Yesterday afternoon, Saturday 3/22, Reverend Nicole Bates and I co-officiated Emmaline and Elliott's wedding at the Fort Worth Botanic Gardens in Fort Worth, Texas.

In the Jewish wedding liturgy we make references to Adam and Eve. Implied through these references is the hope that the couple's love for each other should be so strong, that it is as if to her he is the only man in the world and to him she is the only woman in the world.

When you listen to the words that Emmaline and Elliott say about each other, you understand that that is the emotional space they are in. Talk about a good old fashioned love story. Feel free to close your eyes, and really listen, as in their own words they describe their love so vividly.

Elliott wrote this as a text four months into their relationship, and he still has this on his phone, "Your love gives me strength I never knew I had. Confidence I never thought I’d feel. And joy I never knew existed. You make me want to be a better person. You make me want to try new things. You make life so wonderful. My reason for living was to find you, and I thank God for it every single day."

Emmaline describes her Elliott and their love thus, "He is my everything. We truly are one together and I know we will be by each other’s side through anything and everything. He completes my soul and has made me the person that I am today... We have tackled any obstacle that has come our way and I love the hope and confidence that gives me for our future together. At the risk of sounding cliché, my love for him is deeper than I can even put into words."

Wow. Isn't that beautiful? Isn't that what this is all about? This is the type of love so deep, so profound, that it is contagious and inspiring. Emmaline and Elliott, thank you so much for that.

A Good Old Fashioned Love Story

On Friday 2/21, I officiated Leonora and Justin's wedding at Caswell House in Austin, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

When I reflect on Leonora and Justin's relationship, it seems like a good old fashioned love story. Forget the fact that the groom was born in Verona – you can't make that up, or the fact that they met in a club that had Sharks underneath the floor (no Jets were sighted, but who knows...) Just listen to Justin's description of the evening of their first date, "It didn’t start as a date, but it quickly became one. We had so much fun together that night: we had a wonderful dinner at one of my favorite restaurants, we went to several bars downtown and finally, we scaled a fence and broke into Barton Springs. It was so much fun, and a night I’ll never forget." (Bet you didn't think this would detour from love story into the petty crime genre, did you?)

Now listen to how they describe their love for each other. This is really cool. Justin says, "She lets me be me... She makes me happy. She makes me laugh (and laughs at MY jokes). She makes me want to be a better person... I love everything about her, and I’ve never met anyone like her."

Now Justin may be the trained writer, but Leonora bests him with her description, "Justin is the love of my life... I have never laughed so much in my life. Every day I feel like I love him more than the last... With him everything makes sense and love is all that matters."

So, when I further reflected on the love this couple's shares, I couldn't help but think of the final two stanzas in Sonnet 17 of Pablo Neruda's Cien Sonetos de Amor. I really think they embody just this:

Te amo sin saber cómo, ni cuándo, ni de dónde, te amo directamente sin problemas ni orgullo: así te amo porque no sé amar de otra manera, sino así de este modo en que no soy ni eres, tan cerca que tu mano sobre mi pecho es mía, tan cerca que se cierran tus ojos con mi sueño.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where, I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way. Than this: where I do not exist, nor you, so close that your hand on my chest is my hand, so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

A Story of Redemption

Last night, Tuesday 2/18, I officiated Ellen and Bill's wedding at their home in Flower Mound, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

When I sat down to write about Ellen and Bill, I was reminded of the story of Amram and Yocheved, Moses' parents.

Most people are familiar with the Biblical account of the birth of Moses. Pharaoh commands that all Hebrew male babies be thrown into the Nile. Moses is born, and hidden for three months. Then his mother puts him in a floating cradle on the Nile, as his sister, Miriam watches over him from afar. Then the daughter of the very Pharaoh, who wants him and his like dead, raises him as her own. He grows up to be the redeemer of Israel.

Now, the rabbis of old, as they are apt to do, embellish the story. They tell us that due to Pharaoh's command, Amram divorced Yocheved, because he did not want to have children, only to have them killed by Pharaoh. When Miriam saw this she confronted her father, and told him that he was worse than Pharaoh, since Pharaoh had commanded all baby boys be eliminated, and Amram was ensuring there would be no baby boys or baby girls born. Amram listened to Miriam, remarried Yocheved, and only due to that act, they had Moses.

Now when they had Moses, since he was a boy, Amram was none too pleased with Miriam, and told her just that. That is why she follows Moses through the bulrushes to see what will be the rest of the story. Once again, the rest of the story is one of redemption.

The lessons of this story and of Ellen and Bill's love story are similar and multifold. Both stories show us that learning can come from the most unexpected places, and so you need to be open to learning from everyone. Both stories tell us that it is totally human to lose faith. However, they also tell us that we can overcome and continue to believe in the capacity for change. And both stories tell us that for learning to be meaningful, for change to be real, we need to act just like Amram and his daughter, Miriam; we need to hold each other accountable.

If you have all of those ingredients, your love story can be one of great redemption. That is the story of Amram and Yocheved, Miriam and Moses. That is the story of Ellen and Bill and their incredible journey. Their collective message is clear. Always be open to learn, believe in the capacity for change, and hold each other accountable. Let us all heed their message.

Dream Big Dreams

 

Last night, Saturday 1/25, I officiated Amy and Chad's wedding at the Crescent Club in Dallas, Texas. Here are the personal remarks I shared with them and their guests:

One of the most fascinating things about Amy and Chad is that they each have a truly natural curiosity about the world. They are willing to look at things and do things a little differently than what is common. They are willing to ask questions others might not ask, and they are not afraid of the answers they may find. They really and truly want to pursue their dreams, and they are not afraid to dream big dreams.

What causes one to dream big dreams? Well, there may be a variety of answers to such a question, but in Amy and Chad's case, as in the case of many  it seems that it is one thing - adversity. Now, none of us seeks out adversity. Let's be honest; it can break you. However, if you come out of the other end intact, you tend to savor life, demand more out of it, and find a zest in it one could not find before. And if you have had a partner in your journey through adversity, you dream big dreams together. And just like John Lennon said, "A dream you dream alone is only a dream; a dream you dream together, THAT is reality."

Indeed, Amy and Chad do not just dream, they dream together. That is what their true and deep love is all about. The way they describe that deep love can be best summarized in the beautiful words of the another dreamer, the great Bolivian poet, Adela Zamudio:

Desde el día en que te vi
nimbé mi alma en tus ojos,
y saturé mi corazón
con unos pétalos rojos.

Since the day I saw you
My soul glows haloed in your eyes
And my heart is full
Of scarlet petals.

Amy and Chad, may your love continue to reflect these words every day, as you live out your dreams together for many years to come.

Embracing Español in Interfaith and Jewish Weddings

In my final year of rabbinic training, I participated in a program that trained rabbis for, and placed them in far flung communities. My choices were Wellington, New Zealand, or someplace in Latin America. I chose the former, saying to myself, "Hey, they speak English. How different can it be?" (Answer: Very.) "Anyway, going to Latin America, would mean I would have to learn Spanish. When on earth will I ever need that again?" Smash cut to seven short years later, and where do I move to? That's right, Tejas.  (How DO you say, "Poor judgment," in Español?)

 

Now, you might be saying to yourself, "What's he crying about? He's a rabbi! When does HE ever need Spanish?" Well, think again. When you marry about 50 interfaith couples a year, the answer is, "More often than you think!" About a quarter of the U.S. population below 17 is Hispanic, and 58% of Jews marry non-Jews. Do the math, and you will understand how many Hispanic Jewish weddings we should expect in the next few years.

My anecdotal evidence fits these statistics. There are more and more couples, that want some Spanish in their ceremonies. Usually, the non-Jewish side is the Hispanic one, but sometimes it is the Jewish side. Beyond that, as the world becomes smaller and flatter, there are interfaith couples in Latin America, who choose an American rabbi to officiate their weddings, but still want the ceremony to be officiated entirely in Spanish.

The first part of a wedding ceremony I did in Spanish was the Priestly Blessing. I just had a friend teach me how to read it. At the time I really thought I would not go beyond that. That whet my appetite, though, and I decided to take a course or two in Spanish at our local community college.

The "secret" I discovered regarding Spanish is that Spanish is one of the easiest languages to learn to read. English, which is really a hodge podge of different languages, has many different exceptions, and spelling and pronunciation sometimes bear little relation to each other. Spanish, however, much like Hebrew, has a pretty consistent set of consonants and vowels. Once you learn how pronounce each, you can read pretty much anything. Beyond that, the rules of very basic Spanish grammar are, once again, much easier to grasp, than those of English. One more thing that helps English speakers is that the number of cognates (identical or similar words) shared by English and Spanish is great.

Once I took two Spanish courses, I was able to mix more Spanish into ceremonies. If a couple was willing to translate something, I was willing to master saying it at their wedding. Then, in December 2012 in Santiago, Chilé, and once again in August 2013 in Santa Cruz, Bolivia, I successfully officiated two ceremonies entirely in Spanish. Each time I practiced what I was going to say, so I could say it fluently, and so both ceremonies went quite smoothly. In fact, both times, during the reception, people came up to me, and attempted to speak to me in Spanish!

 

The funny thing about going outside our comfort zone, and learning how to operate in Spanish is that in a way, it is like coming home. Spain was home to one of the greatest Jewish communities ever, for hundreds of years, prior to their expulsion/forced conversion by Ferdinand and Isabella in 1492. The Jews who left Spain took with them a Spanish dialect written in Hebrew characters called Ladino, a language some use to this very day in prayer and speech. Some ended up in the New World, and in the nascent United States these Sephardic (Spain in Hebrew is Sefarad) Jews were more numerous than their Ashkenzic (Northern/Central European) brethren.

At the same time, many conversos (forced converts, who sometimes remained secretly Jewish), made their way to the Americas too, in attempt to escape the Inquistion. As its long arm reached across the Atlantic, many of them moved north to the outer reaches of Spanish territory, as far north as today's American Southwest, only to vanish into the local Hispanic populations.

In these senses, officiating a wedding with some Spanish in it, or even entirely in Spanish, is nothing new, and certainly not alien. The past is once again present. It is indeed just coming home.

 

Copyright 2013 - Rabbi David S. Gruber. First published on www.interfaithfamily.com 

Deep with a Capital D

Last night, Saturday 11/30, I officiated Sowmia and Matt's wedding at the Memory Lane in Dripping Springs, Texas. Here are the personal remarks I shared with them and their guests:

You know those stories about love at first sight? Two people see each other across a crowded room, their eyes lock, and then and there they know, they were meant for each other. Cue the music, and we see the montage of them meeting, embracing and riding off into the sunset...

Yea; not this couple. In fact, they are very open about the fact that it took each of them some time to figure the other one out. Then again, these two are way too intelligent and too deep for any fake Hollywoodesque love story.

No, their story, their thoughts about themselves and their place in the world are so much more evolved. This is not surprising, since as their friends will tell you, these are two sophisticated individuals. I ask each person I marry to write a short autobiographical essay. Some are more detailed than others, but the essays these two wrote are Deep, with a capital D.

Listen to this from Matt; this guy will certainly publish, not perish. Despite his lingering uncertainties about life he says:

"I knew that there was nobody I could love more than Sowmia... I was, and am, more certain of her than I am of myself: that she loves me, trusts me, and wants the best for me...
I know that I'm a better person for having known her... I live a happier, healthier, more open, and more moral life... Other people who have known me for a very long time have told me that I'm much better with her...

My instincts with love are to question what it means to love and be loved, but I know... that I love her... She is more caring than anyone I know, and... she is the one I want to wrestle with uncertainty with and... enjoy happiness with. This kind of certainty is rare for me, but that's fine, because it makes me feel very lucky..."

And Sowmia, she describes the past, the present and the future of this team so beautifully. About Matt once she started to get to know him, she says:
"He was... remarkably caring – he was always willing to listen... Maybe what I liked most about Matt was his ability to make me laugh.  He regaled me with stories of pure ridiculousness, and could find humor in just about any situation...

Matt’s unconditional support of me makes me more confident in myself, and makes me into a stronger person as a result. When I’ve had a bad day... Matt is the first person I turn to – and as cheesy as this sounds, he just makes my heart happy.

When we have kids, Matt will be a fantastic father; loving and funny and charming as always, but also a great role model of our values... I am so lucky to have found such a wonderful partner."

Sowmia and Matt, you both feel lucky to have each other. We feel lucky to take part in celebrating such a mature and deep love story like yours. May that love, indeed, continue to deepen with each passing day.