Take Your Relationships Seriously, But Don’t Take Yourself Too Seriously

Friday evening, October 28th, I officiated Jamie and Zach’s wedding at Chandler's Garden, in Celina, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

When I was thinking about these remarks, I remembered a brilliant story about two historical giants, Golda Meir and Moshe Dayan. Both of these figures were central to the story of the modern State of Israel, both were members of the same labor movement, both were brash and swashbuckling revolutionaries, one ending up as prime minister, one as army chief of staff, defense minister, and foreign minister.

The thing is that though Dayan had been a war hero from World War I onwards, Golda seems to have always had his number. In the early days of the Yom Kippur War, Dayan famously lost his nerve, predicting that Israel would not survive the conflict, while Golda, amidst arming planes with nuclear weapons and readying them for attack, remained as calm and collected as ever.

At one point during their work together, Golda, who had an acid tongue, was exasperated with Dayan’s never-ending antics. She took a drag on her cigarette, turned to him, and in her heavily American accented Hebrew wryly remarked, “Don’t act so humble, you’re not that great.”

Golda, who likely had one true love and belonged to one political party her whole life, was trying to teach Dayan, the famously philandering thrice divorced cad, whose political allegiances changed with the proverbial wind, a lesson he would never learn, but one that we should heed, in all areas of life, but most importantly in love and marriage: Take your relationships seriously, but don’t take yourself too seriously. 

This is a quality that I see in both Jamie and Zach. They get this, which bodes well for their marriage. You see this in how Zach answers the double question I ask every person I marry, why do you want to get married and why now? 

“We have been dating for 5+ years, have lived together for multiple years, and now own a house together. We have seen each other in many positive and negative lights, from taking cross country road trips together, driving up tall mountains, learning to live with each other’s habits around the house, and taking care a dog together. We, basically, see ourselves as already married, and see the ceremony as basically a formality. As far as why now, the time just seems right.”

You see this in how Jamie answers and elaborates upon another question I ask every person I marry, how did you meet? “I was slower to warm up and a little more shy. The first time we met in person was at The Gingerman which is a local bar, and I had a LOT of questions for Zach when we first met in person. Zach answered every question correctly and cared a lot about how I feel and my perspectives. Zach and I have been together for 5 years and I love the life we have created. We also have a fur-child named Toby and I have loved seeing the love Zach has for Toby and the way he takes care of him. Toby usually sleeps in his own bed, but when I am out of town Toby sleeps in the bed!! Zach is also adamant that Toby should have 3 meals a day instead of 2 because he lives for food.”

More importantly, you see this not only in their words but in their actions, indeed in how Jamie and Zach are celebrating this very wedding, under a tree in Celina, Texas, with the smell of pizza wafting through the air. They will never forget today, but they know what really counts, all the days after today, their marriage, their love story, their relationship.

Ready and Excited

On Saturday evening, October 22, 2022, Father Michael Mills and I co-officiated Allison and Jordan’s wedding ceremony at the Dallas Arboretum in Dallas, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

I’ve always been intrigued by couples’ origin stories. The way Jordan tells the story of how he met Allison is, well, I’ll just quote him: “Allie’s probably going to tell you a story of how we met at her birthday, and then eventually over time we finally started dating and the rest was magic from there. She will be lying! She did not remember me after the first two times we met. Crazy right?

I met Allie twice before she remembered who I was, although I couldn’t forget her. One of my roommates… was invited to [attend] her birthday and [asked] to bring friends. In her defense, it was her birthday, drinks were flowing, and I was just a stranger who showed up through a friend…

The second time we met was at a bar. We were chatting briefly, and then my other friend started venting to her about this girl he was in love with, etc., etc., and Allie being kind and empathetic listened to it for what must have been over an hour. They did end up getting married, so I guess Allie gave some good advice, but like c’mon, I’m trying to talk to this pretty girl. 

Finally, next time we were at a sports bar for the big Texas vs OU football game.  Here, we hit it off, and I think there’s even a photo from our ‘first’ time meeting.  Finally, I made an impression!”  

Allison is quick to defend herself: “Jordan and I met in April 2016 at my birthday party… My best guy friend from UT, Scott, brought his three roommates along to the party. Jordan was one of the roommates.

Maybe it was the nice spring air, the fresh crawfish, or the round of tequila shots we took but after the party was over, Jordan told Scott that he thought I was “cute” and might ask me out. Turns out there was zero urgency behind that statement because it took several more times meeting each other before we finally went on our first date in December of 2016.”

Let’s get down to brass tacks, though. I love Allison and Jordan’s answers to the most important question every person standing before a group like this needs to answer, why do you want to marry this person? These answers are simple and deeply profound at the same time. They clearly reflect not only the deep love they have for each other, but their extremely realistic understanding of what marriage is all about.

Allison says: “Having Jordan in my life makes me lighter. As someone who is easily weighed down by anxiety and everyday worries, Jordan is my constant source of light and happiness. He is funny, goofy, sarcastic and we laugh together every day. He always has my back and supports me but is also the first person to call me out when I’m wrong (and I need that, trust me). He has helped me become a brighter, more confident version of myself and I will always be grateful that we found each other.”

Jordan says: “Minor reason, because she said we can’t get a dog until we’re married.” OK, funny guy. Don’t worry; he quickly redeems himself: “Mainly because I love Allison and want to spend the rest of my life with her. It had been four-ish years of dating, living together, not killing each other during a quarantine/pandemic, and I still loved her just as much as I did when I first met her. I knew the joy it would bring her, and I was ready to take the next step. I don’t think I woke up one day with an epiphany of “I want to marry this girl”, but to me it’s something you decide on over time by going through the ups and downs of a relationship. I felt ready and excited for the next step, and the day I proposed to her – the joy, happiness, surprise, and tears – it was the best day of my life.”

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

On Thursday afternoon, October 13, 2022, I officiated Cindy and Matt’s wedding at the Dana Villas on the Island of Santorini in Greece. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

The Ethics of the Fathers is a tractate (or volume) of the Mishnah, the 200 C.E. compendium of the Jewish Oral Law, which unlike the other tractates, as its name indicates, discusses ethics, not laws. In the very first chapter, we are told that Rabbi Simon said the following:

“All my days I grew up among the sages, and I have found nothing better for a person than silence. Study is not the most important thing, but actions; whoever indulges in too many words brings about sin.”

At first blush, it seems odd. I contend that no one becomes a clergyman if they don’t like the sound of their own voice. On top of that, as I just mentioned in my introduction, lifelong learning, study, is paramount in all religions.

In fact, ordination in Judaism does not indicate special sacramental powers like in Catholicism and does not necessitate any type of calling like in Protestant Christianity. It is simply a mark of having achieved a level of wisdom that one can apply in ruling on questions of Jewish Law.

Once we take a more careful look at what Simon said, it becomes clearer. He does not say study is not important. He says that words and study are not as important as actions. Essentially, as we first find in a letter, written in 1736 by a man from Boston, “Actions speak louder than words.”

If you know Cindy and Matt, actually even if you don’t them and just look at their wedding website or their social media, you see what they are saying through their actions. In fact, the very way they decided to celebrate this wedding is an action that speaks.

And what do those actions tell us? This is going to sound totally alien to the so-called American Dream, though very much at in sync with where we are in Southern Europe: Experiences beat stuff every time. Specifically, new experiences brought about through travel beat mere stuff every time.

There are many reasons that experiences beat stuff, and one main reason that travel is one of the most superior experiences. It goes back to that idea of lifelong learning, and it is a lesson Mark Twain teaches us in his very first book.

The book, “The Innocents Abroad,” is a humorous and witty travelogue which, though little remembered today, remained his best-selling book throughout his lifetime. The ultimate destination was the Holy Land, but the group of Americans he was with visited many countries, Greece included, though regretfully not this beautiful island. (Poor Samuel Clemens.)

He writes as follows, and keep in mind the voyage was made on what was a decommissioned Union Civil War ship, but two years after the surrender at Appomattox Court House: “Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime.” Wow. Do these words, published 153 years ago, not seem as prescient today as they did then? 

Cindy and Matt, thank you for celebrating the beginning of this new chapter of your life in this special place. Thank you for reminding us through actions, not words, what is most important. May we all heed your lesson. 

Luckier Than Most

On Sunday afternoon, October 2, 2022, I officiated Taylor and Ben’s wedding at the Hidden Creek in Heath, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Ladies, find yourself someone that says this about meeting you. “Taylor and I met on October 29, 2017, in a fluke accident. Neither one of us was supposed to be there and for me it was like hitting the lottery as soon as I met her.”

Now, Taylor, I’m sure you will be stunned, describes this encounter in a slightly more, um, earthy way: “Benji and I met at a Halloween party on the Saturday night before Halloween. I went to go play beer pong and ended up playing against him. FYI, I won in beer pong. He would not leave me alone the whole night and asked for my number.”

Ladies, again, find yourself someone whose response to that is: “She was the most gorgeous girl there, the smartest girl there and I wasn’t going to let her get away from me. She often recounts this night that I wouldn’t let her leave my sight. This is true, I got her number and the next day facetimed her. We set up a date and to this day we still bring up our first date. It was great.” 

The next thing Taylor says about Ben, is the best you can hear about your loved one’s partner, “I want to come home every day, see my husband’s face and just know that everything is going to be okay. Benji’s the only man who has made me feel this way. He treats me right and always loves me. He makes me feel just so special.”

Ben shares that sentiment. “She is my through and through, she is my backbone, my motivation to be better and be stronger… The unconditional love that we share is something that will never be replicable.”

Taylor, in referring to Ben being the only man who makes her feel the way she does and Ben, in referring to meeting Taylor as winning the lottery, remind us of an important Jewish custom. 

We bless marrying couples that their love should be analogous to the mythic first couple, Adam and Eve. For Adam, the only woman in the world was Eve. For Eve, the only man in the world was Adam, and we hope every couple should experience a love so unique.

Taylor and Ben, you are luckier than most. You are already there. What we wish for you is that this continue. May your love for Ben, Taylor, be so strong, that it should be like he is the only man in the world. And may your love for Taylor, Ben, be so strong that it should be like she is the only woman in the world.

Two Lone Star States

On Saturday evening, September 17, 2022, Melissa Aleman and I co-officiated Lucia and Jon’s tri-lingual wedding ceremony at 2616 Commerce in Dallas, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests in English and Spanish:

This wedding occurs in the Lone Star State, where Lucia was raised, and where eventually Lucia and Jon would settle down. You may not have ever thought of this, but there is another Lone Star State; the one that Jon’s family comes from. That’s right, Israel. (Think of the flag. Get it?) Incidentally, I didn’t make that up. Credit goes to one of the most colorful political figures in recent Texas political history, and we have quite a few of those, Carole Keeton Strayhorn, known by the moniker, “One Tough Grandma.”

Esta boda esta occuriendo aqui en el Texas conocido como el Lone Star State, donde se crió Lucía y donde eventualmente se están estableciendo Lucía y Jon. A la mejor nunca han pensado en esto, pero hay otro Lone Star State; de donde proviene la familia de Jon. Así es, Israel. (Piensa en la bandera. ¿Lo entienden?) Por cierto, no me lo inventé. El mérito es de una de las figuras políticas más pintorescas de la historia política reciente de Texas, y tenemos bastantes de ellas, Carole Keeton Strayhorn, conocida con el apodo de "One Tough Grandma".

Having spent about equal portions of my life in both states, I have noticed some things in common, beyond the flags sporting a single star. Both states come off as brash and swashbuckling, which seems to be rooted in having a certain chip on their shoulder.

On the other hand, the way people communicate can be very different. We, Israelis, say what we mean and mean what we say. If we disagree, you will know. If we don’t like you, we will tell you. This is sometimes misconstrued as being aggressive. We are not; we are just being, and we use an Arabic word for this, dugri, which means straight and honest to a fault.

Habiendo pasado partes iguales de mi vida en ambos estados, he notado algunas cosas en común, más allá de las banderas que lucen una sola estrella. Ambos estados parecen impetuosos y bravucones, lo que parece tener sus raíces en tener un cierto chip en el hombro.

Por otro lado, la forma en que las personas se comunican puede ser muy diferente. Nosotros, los israelíes, decimos lo que pensamos y pensamos lo que decimos. Si no estamos de acuerdo, lo van a saber. Si no nos gustas, te lo diremos. Esto a veces se malinterpreta como agresivo. No somos; simplemente así somos, y usamos una palabra árabe para describer esto, dugri, que significa recto y honesto hasta el extremo.

We, Texans, on the other hand, treasure the other person’s feelings above what we might think is the absolute truth. When we disagree, we might say, “Well, there you go,” or, “It is what it is.” If we don’t care for you, we will just say, “Well, bless your heart.” I can’t tell you exactly what that translates to, because that would be inappropriate at a wedding. Let’s just say, we are suggesting that you go do something with yourself.

Nosotros, los tejanos, por otro lado, atesoramos los sentimientos de la otra persona más de lo que sabemos es la verdad absoluta. Cuando no estamos de acuerdo, podemos decir: "Bueno, ahí lo tienes" o "Es lo que es". Si no nos preocupamos por ti, simplemente diremos: "Bueno, bendito sea tu corazón". No puedo decirles exactamente en qué se traduce eso, porque sería inapropiado en una boda. Digamos que estamos sugiriendo que vayas a hacer algo contigo mismo.

Now, one might say that the ideal would be to take the best of both worlds. After all, both seem to come from a place of love. However, I think, that, we, Texans, may have a tiny bit more to learn, from us, Israelis. Of course, you always want to treasure the others’ feelings, but honesty must be the foundation of every relationship. It seems like in their relationship Lucia and Jon have done just that.

Ahora, se podría decir que lo ideal sería tomar lo mejor de ambos mundos. Después de todo, ambos parecen provenir de un lugar de amor. Sin embargo, creo que nosotros, los tejanos, podemos aprender un poquito más de nosotros, los israelíes. Por supuesto, siempre querrás atesorar los sentimientos de los demás, pero la honestidad debe ser la base de todas las relaciones. Parece que en su relación de Lucía y Jon han hecho precisamente eso.

Check this out. Jon says about Lucia, “I knew from the very first gaze at her eyes that those were the eyes of the one who will be my forever-person.” And Lucia says, “We make each other laugh and bring out the best in each other.”

However, they are honest about a truth, one that we seldom mention at weddings, but we should, that marriage is work. Lucia says, “I love being in a partnership with Jon. It feels very natural but also challenging.” Jon acknowledges, “She challenges me in all the best ways.” 

Miren esto. Jon dice sobre Lucía: "Supe desde la primera vez que la miré a los ojos que esos eran los ojos de quien será mi persona para siempre". Y Lucía dice: “Nos hacemos reír y sacamos lo mejor de cada uno”.

Sin embargo, son honestos sobre una verdad, una que rara vez mencionamos en las bodas, pero deberíamos, que el matrimonio es trabajo. Lucia dice: “Me encanta estar en una relación con Jon. Se siente muy natural pero también desafiante”. Jon reconoce: "Ella me desafía de las mejores maneras".

It is this type of true honesty that can foster the deepest of relationships. To wit, listen to Jon’s full quote: “Lucia is the grounded, organized, level-headed bedrock without which my river would run aimlessly. She challenges me in all the best ways, forcing me to grow and to be my best self.” Deep, right?

Es este tipo de verdadera honestidad el que puede fomentar las relaciones más profundas. A saber, escuche la cita completa de Jon: “Lucia es el lecho de roca firme, organizado y sensato sin el cual mi río correría sin rumbo. Ella me desafía de las mejores maneras, obligándome a crecer y a ser mi mejor yo”. Profundo, ¿verdad?

It is this type of true honesty that enables both of them to share this almost identically worded thought, “We've shared our goals, passions, and dreams with one another.” It is this type of honesty that enables Lucia to sum it up in these words, “We are excited to commit to each other.”

Es este tipo de verdadera honestidad lo que les permite a ambos compartir este pensamiento redactado de manera casi idéntica: "Hemos compartido nuestras metas, pasiones y sueños". Es este tipo de honestidad lo que le permite a Lucía resumirlo en estas palabras: “Estamos emocionados de comprometernos el uno con el otro”.

Dream Big

On Saturday, September 3, 2022, I officiated Rachel and Jonathan’s wedding at the Dream Castle Event Venue in Broussard, Louisiana. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Call me crazy, but I love it when couples’ stories about how they met slightly differ depending on which partner you ask. It’s a good sign that we are talking about interesting people. In that regard, Rachel and Jonathan do not disappoint!

Rachel says, “The first time I saw Jonathan, my boss was introducing me to different individuals in the company since I was brand new. He was wearing a white shirt and had his hair in his typical (what I call dinosaur) hairstyle… Two months later, we were assigned to a project together. He was loud, opinionated (haha), sassy and a person that I thought I would never be with, let alone fall in love with and marry.” Yikes.

Jonathan begins from what I surmise is an instance related to that project: “First time we ever met… it was about a complaint we received for one of my accounts, but another underwriter was the one who made the mistake… We argued over something that was on my desk and I ended up being right and she was wrong (smiley face emoji).” Wow, how many men live to tell that kind of tale?

The point of sharing these anecdotes is not just to embarrass the bride and groom. That’s just a fringe benefit, LOL. The point is that I believe that this sense of light-heartedness has helped them become the new little family they are. 

To wit, Jonathan describes how their relationship went from just professional to romantic: “A few months go by and her and a group of mutual friends stand by me while I was going through some challenges. One of these friends said that I should talk to her. I decided she was the prettiest girl who I knew didn’t have a girlfriend at the time. (He may have meant to write boyfriend. I honestly don’t know.  It significantly changes the logical processes he was working through in his head, but who cares. - DSG) So I decided to shoot my shot.” And, here’s the kicker, “She decided to date me ever since.”

Again, the differences and similarities in description fascinate me, but listen to Rachel’s description: “Through a crazy series of events, we started dating in May of 2019. These (almost) past three years have shown me why Jonathan is the man I want to share my life with. Jonathan is so much more than that loud, opinionated, and sassy person I met three years ago. Don’t get me wrong, he still is those things (haha).”

I believe this kind of light-heartedness helps rather than hinders in appreciating the other qualities our partners bring to the relationship. As Jonathan says, in explaining why he is eager to marry Rachel, “She was kind and thoughtful throughout my hard times. She stands for what she believes and is grounded in her faith. She treats my daughter as her own. She can be stubborn and a little crazy but she keeps life interesting and fun. She’s a great mom now to Abigail and will be to our future children.”

Rachel reflects that sentiment back, “He is a person who strives to be the best person he can be and works hard every day at it. Jonathan often asks me how he can be better and what he can work on in our relationship. He is someone who dreams big and he follows those dreams. He is a person who cares deeply. Jonathan is an amazing father to our little girl, Abigail. Jonathan is dependable, trustworthy, patient, goofy, and a little weird.

However, it is not just who Jonathan is, but who he makes me. Jonathan inspires me to be better. Jonathan supports me and motivates me to follow my dreams. He makes me think about things differently and work hard to try to understand those things.”

Rachel ends with this: “This life we have built with our beautiful little family, Abigail, Sadie, Taz, and Vader is more than I could have ever dreamed of or hoped for. (In case you are wondering, the latter three are dogs, not that I would totally put it past these two to name their human child for a movie character, but you’d probably go with Anakin. - DSG) Over the past three years, we have built a wonderful life together and I want to make it official in front of God, my family, and my friends.”

Enantiomers

On Friday, August 19, 2022, I officiated Jackie and Jake’s wedding at the Ibagari Boutique Hotel on the island of Roatan in Honduras. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

I’m somewhat hesitant to talk about the genesis of Jackie and Jake’s relationship. I mean, sure, a wedding is supposed to be romantic, but the language one should use at a wedding should not be too risqué. That said, this is the first meaningful thing Jackie said to Jake, so here goes. Brace yourselves. (Pause.) “HEY, YOU’RE IN MY CLASS!” Now, Jackie recounts this exclamation which happened in a bar, in lower case letters, but Jake spells it all out in upper case letters, so yes, their relationship began with a yell. 

Now, you might think that from there it was a straight line to where we are today. Jackie even continues, “That's how it all began.” However, in those words she is really performing a feint worthy of her favorite sport, futbol, because, her next words are, “We became friends that night,” and, “What emerged then was a beautiful friendship,” which is exactly what guys like to hear from interesting girls they meet.

You can hear that in Jake’s telling of the beginning of that friendship. This guy was a goner: “I knew from that first night that Jackie was someone special. I loved her energy; she was radiant. She was so outgoing and so much fun with a complete stranger at the time that she simply recognized from one of her classes. I quickly realized that this was a common theme, as I was unable to go anywhere on campus with Jackie without stopping multiple times for her to say hi to friends, in multiple languages, during the course of what normally would have been a ten-minute walk. I was also enormously impressed that someone so socially gifted could also be so brilliant. I had never met someone at all like her.” 

In all seriousness, though, starting off as good friends is actually at the root of the successful romantic partnership Jackie and Jake have built together. Jake says, “My wish to marry Jackie is rooted not only in what a special person she is, but also in the match that we make. Never had I felt such excitement and desire to spend time with someone, even in our friendship. We found that this sentiment translated naturally into our romantic relationship… We have enjoyed our common interests and passions, but perhaps more importantly appreciated and embraced our differences. 

Jackie recently found herself happily on top of a mountain in Southern California after hiking for hours in the rain, something she would have never previously dreamed of given her city-dwelling predilection. Likewise, Jackie and her family have fully immersed me in their Honduran culture, culminating in me trying… Curiles, a dish resembling mussels without the shell that are eaten fresh after being doused in lime juice… 

I have attended numerous church services with her and her family and was even married in their Basilica by a priest, something I would not have imagined previously. Similarly, Jackie has embraced my Jewish heritage by participating in celebration of Jewish holidays and even lighting the Hannukah candles in Honduras with her parents, a new experience for them and a special one for me. Jackie and I have expanded each other’s worlds immensely and I want nothing more than to continue to do so throughout the rest of our lives.”

It is just this type of difference that can allow for growth and evolution of one’s romantic relationship. As Jackie says, “We have learned to compromise and communicate better, and I know we both always have each other’s wellbeing and happiness in mind. Our relationship has evolved a lot… We have grown enough to recognize things that need more attention, things that should change, and things that we should continue to do in order to choose each other and our love every day.”

She adds, “I think back to the concept of enantiomers that we learned in organic chemistry, molecules that are non-superimposable mirror images of each other, like our hands. In a way they are opposite, but also incredibly similar. Two people from different countries, different religions, with different personalities, but at the same time that match together so well. We are not the same, yet our differences only add to our union. 

Throughout all of the ups and downs of the last few years, Jake is always the first person I want to talk to about everything with, whether I’m telling him about something that’s wrong or simply what I’m having for lunch. I am my happiest when we’re together, especially when he makes me laugh (which he does all the time). Regardless of what is going on around us, I know that he is my rock, my best friend, the left hand to my right hand.”