Better Place

Saturday afternoon, I officiated Allyson’s and Josh’s wedding ceremony at the Carlisle Room, in Dallas, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

I am an eighth-generation rabbi, so it’s kind of like the family business. Now, few Jewish parents dream of their children becoming rabbis, a fact that has repeatedly vexed parents on my paternal line. As another fellow former Orthodox rabbi, Jackie Mason, said, the choice is clear for most Jewish parents, doctor. In fact, while our state is in huge strife over when a fetus becomes viable, most Jewish theologians agree, a fetus becomes viable when it graduates medical school.

My father, who like me only served as a congregational rabbi for a short time, once said that despite that fact, you can take the rabbi out of the shul, but you can’t take the shul out of the rabbi. And though this is no double-blind study, according to Allyson, the same may be true for psychiatrists. 

Just listen to her description of the genesis of their relationship, “Our first 3 dates were all 5 hours long. He’s a great listener and easy to talk to. He got all the information out of me without even having to ask.” 

Seriously, though, she made quite an impression on him, and continues to do so, “Allyson was interesting and funny, had a very unique perspective on things, and of course was incredibly beautiful. She is consistently surprising me with things she does, knows, says. I felt (and continue to feel) very lucky and fortunate and thankful to have met her. Allyson is amazing and I can’t possibly imagine a life without her.”

One of the most important aspects of Allyson and Josh’s relationship has been their Judaism. They talk about how they live our lives in a way that is very much grounded in Jewish principles, specifically, belonging to something greater than themselves, and leaving the world a better place than how they found it.

Now, you might wonder, again, as a rabbi, why didn’t I just start with that? Didn’t I say that I was trying to share something I learned? What’s with all the sappy stuff that preceded it? 

You see, though, that is exactly it. Without any judgement towards those who don’t find it, Judaism is very clear that to make the world a better place, you need that other person. It’s just too hard to do it on your own. You need, in Allyson’s words, a partner, a companion, a lover. 

This may be why fellow Jew, Rachel Platten, in Better Place, says in words that speak for Allyson and Josh, “There's a song in my heart, I feel like I belong. It's a better place since you came along.” What a lovely thought to begin married life with!

Kept Each Other Laughing

Sunday morning, I officiated Natalie and Zach’s wedding ceremony at Texas Discovery Gardens, in Dallas, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

I’m sure many people met their betrothed at Starbucks, in front of the counter, behind the counter, a mixture of both, but this takes the classic coffee cake, “We worked together at Starbucks, and not only was I his superior, but he mentioned he didn’t want kids, so I crossed him off my potential partners list.” Ouch!

Natalie continues, “Even after mentally crossing him off my list, I developed a crush on him. He’s just so witty, he can clap back so fast, and he pretends to not know what’s going on, then he will know every detail… He has since told me that he does see himself having kids with me. And if that was a line, it was a very good line.”

Now, anecdotally, about 75% of people sitting at Starbucks are people watching and working on their screenplay, so this again, from the other side of the counter sounds appropriate: “I remember what her hair looked like and what she was wearing on the day we met. I remember that she sang a lot, but our first real connection was discovering we were both Jewish. Natalie’s late Zadie was a screenwriter, and I thought this was the coolest thing ever and even came to work the next day asking her if she knew all this miscellaneous trivia about her own grandfather. I don’t know how long I’d had a crush on her when she made the first move…” 

Now, I always ask each person I marry why they want to get married. There are no right or wrong answers to this question. I do think some answers are more Jewish than others, and Natalie’s answer falls into this category: “Because society dictates it? Because it is easier to have kids together? Because having this awesome party combining our two families will be cool? Because this way it will be harder for him to leave me? Because if one of us gets hurt the other can be there?”

Why do I say this answer is very Jewish because the ultimate thing to do in Judaism is to answer a question with a question. Why do Jews answer questions with questions? Simple; why not?

Ultimately, though, Natalie agrees with Zach’s answer, “I grew up surrounded by a lot of happy and healthy marriages, particularly ones with a lot of laughter, and so I’ve always thought to myself, I want one of those. My parents have attributed laughter to be the key to their marriage… I started thinking about marrying Natalie early in our relationship because of the way we kept each other laughing.”

The Talmud relates a story that reminds us how right Natalie and Zach are to attribute such importance to laughter. Rabbi Beroka asks Elijah the prophet if there are any people in the market they are standing in who are destined for heaven. Elijah points out two brothers. Rabbi Beroka asks them what they do. They say to him, “We are jesters, and we cheer up the depressed.” 

Natalie and Zach, hold fast to this lesson, never stop laughing and making each other laugh, and your marriage will give you a taste of heaven.

A New Person

Saturday evening, I officiated Salena and Greg’s wedding ceremony at the Ruthe Jackson Center in Grand Prairie, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Salena makes a very interesting statement about the inception of her relationship with Greg, “I knew after our first date that I was going to marry him (pause) even though he didn’t.” 

The next big milestone in their relationship had a bit of slapstick to it. “He accidentally told me he loved me (pause). He called me to chat because he missed me and I had him on speaker phone with my mom and he said it and then the shock set in, so he quickly said goodbye and hung up before I could respond. I said I loved him once he came back, and he immediately said it back.”

About the big milestone that brought us to today, she simply says, “He proposed to me on February 8, 2019, in Austin, Texas at a Panic! At The Disco Concert.” That old trope. No seriously, there’s more to it. 

Greg choreographed this pretty carefully. He got floor seats, center stage. He proposed just as Brendan Urie, her favorite singer, was walking through the floor seats singing Death of a Bachelor. In case any of you still weren’t clear as to why we were here today, she did say yes.

Brendan himself says that his own marriage to his wife, Sarah was central to the composition of this song and indeed to the entire album it lends its name to. “I would say the title track, ‘Death of a Bachelor,’ is pretty much why I called the album that. [It] just really meant a lot to me. I mean, that kind of summed up how I feel now. I feel I am a new person and I’m able to talk about the past because I’m not that person any more. It’s nice to be able to set aside the past and look at it objectively instead of being stuck in that world. So that was really an eye opening experience for me.”

I doubt Urie, who grew up LDS and left that church in his late teens, realizes this, but this idea is central to the Jewish tradition. Ashkenazic Jewish men, like me and Greg, for instance, will not regularly don a prayer shawl during morning prayers, until they are married, because there is a recognition that full personhood is achieved when we find our soulmate. (BTW, many Jewish parents feel that their children have not reached full personhood until they graduate from medical school, but that’s an issue for another time.)

Traditionally, in line with what Urie says, many brides and grooms fast on their wedding day, like we do on Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, and recite special confessional prayers that are only recited on the High Holidays. This is because your wedding day is seen as a day when God wipes the slate clean and forgives you of all your sins. You are a new person from this day forward. 

The challenge of marriage, and if you can do this, Salena and Greg, you’ve got it made, is to never fully let go of this feeling and to renew this feeling of, “Happily ever after, how could I ask for more?”

I’ll Have What They’re Having

Monday afternoon, I officiated Debra and Michael’s wedding ceremony in a hot air balloon over the sky of Collin County, Texas. It was just us. Here are remarks I wrote for the original ceremony on terra firma, and what I planned on sharing with them and their guests, before they decided to do something very different for their ceremony:

I ask every person I marry not only why they want to get married, but why now? I think that that is always a good question to ask, but I feel like it is even more poignant, when it’s a seasoned couple. (Don’t call us old. We’re not. We are seasoned.) 

Debra says, “Finding love with Michael was a gift. Our relationship encompasses all that is truly important to me. He’s my soulmate and I can wait to spend the rest of our lives loving and supporting each other.” Michael says, “I spent two years taking my time to get to know about her values, dreams and needs and knew this was a woman that I not only could, but wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Why now, to quote a movie, which I am always doing, just ask Debra, ‘When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.’”

I find this reference to be particularly intriguing, because unlike Harry and Sally, Debra and Michael’s relationship was romantic from the start. It makes sense, though for a number of reasons. First of all, though Meg Ryan, herself, and Sally Albright, the woman she plays, is clearly not Jewish, everything else about the movie is Jewish. Harry, though this is never mentioned, is Jewish; just check out his order at Katz’s Deli. While Sally orders turkey on white bread, oy vey, Harry orders pastrami and rye, like a good Jew. Of course, Billy Crystal himself is a very Jewey Jew, as was Nora Ephron, as is Rob Reiner, and of course, the best line in the whole movie is uttered in the deli by Reiner’s own very Jewish mother.

However, there is one little known fact about the movie that is emblematic of the beauty of Debra and Michael’s love story. The line Michael uses as his answer was not in the original screenplay. In fact, the original screenplay did not have them falling in love and marrying. Reiner changed this because during the filming, he met his second wife.

Barry Sonnenfeld, the film’s cinematographer, also Jewish, said to Reiner, who had been divorced for a decade, “I know this girl. Her name is Michele Singer (also Jewish), and you’re going to marry her.” They met on set, they fell in love, and they are still married today. Reiner says that that made him change his mind, because he said, “Okay, that’s how it could work for me.” 

Debra and Michael, as the years progress may your love only continue to grow. May you both continue to enjoy the type of relationship the real-life couples at the end of that timeless movie have. And may you continue to inspire other couples to say loudly with conviction, “I’ll have what they are having.”

Predestined

Saturday evening, I officiated Rachel and Zane’s wedding ceremony at the Embassy Suites, in Grapevine, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

I have every person I marry write an essay covering their life and spiritual history, why they want to get married and why now. I have read close to 1,000 of these essays already. This was first time such an essay began, “In the interest of sparing you from reading an auto-biography combined with my disinterest in writing one, I will be keeping this section extremely brief.” I mean, I knew Rachel was direct but… Just kidding, that was, of course, Zane.”

Zane’s courtship technique was, well, interesting. “Our first date was ice cream,” he says, “I was a babbling awkward fool, and she mistook that for charisma… On our second date I listed out my traits that could be potentially deal-breaking from her point of view. Again, she mistakenly thought that was charming.” 

Now, Rachel’s technique was more conventional, but apparently it involved swearing a type of blood oath before embarking on her quest. “Sydney, my roommate insisted that if I reached a fourth date, I had to bring the suitor to our apartment for her to meet them. As I was taking Zane home to meet Sydney, he asked how many others had met her. I told him that he was the only one that had made it this far.” 

In hindsight, their falling in love seems predestined. “We felt a connection within the first few dates. We bonded over the important topics of the day,” says Rachel. These are, and I swear I did not make this list up, Lord of the Rings and DND, feminism in literature, theatre, and metal music.

Seriously, though, Rachel and Zane’s love is a testament to the enduring qualities that make a marriage work. As Rachel says, “Since the beginning of the relationship, I really appreciated his honesty and communication skills. We are able to discuss hard topics when they come up and get on the same page. I have great respect for Zane… He shows that he is proud of my work successes which are very important to me despite our agreement that we will never understand what each other’s job entails.”

And, as Zane says, “She is possibly the kindest human being I’ve ever met. She cares so passionately and learning from being with her has undoubtedly made me a better person… the trust between me and her is stronger than any bond I’ve had before.” Finally, he adds, after almost four years of being together, Rachel and I are stronger than ever… If we can handle being locked in the same room for a year straight without fighting, we can handle anything. I see her as my partner, best friend, and soulmate. I feel beyond lucky that she feels the same way.”

Overflowing of Love

Friday evening, Reverend Rob Bowsher and I co-officiated Sam and Tyler’s wedding ceremony at the Stone Crest Venue, in McKinney, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

The origin story of these high school sweethearts is the stuff of romance novels with a dash of mystery, subterfuge, and humor at the very beginning. 

They met freshman year of high school, became friends in sophomore year, when they had a couple of classes together. Why do I say mystery? Because, Sam says, “I am not really sure what it was about him I liked so much, I think we just clicked.” 

Why do I say subterfuge? Because Sam continues, “I used a project in English as an excuse to get his number and partner with him on it. We started to talk a little bit more, and I had told two of my friends I had a crush on Tyler, and they helped me create a plan for all of us to hang out and go bowling.”

I think I’ve covered humor already, but Tyler drives the point home. Why did Sam have to resort to this derring-do elaborate plan? “This was an excuse for her to get my number as I was playing hard to get.” In the novels, it is usually the other way around, but truth is stranger than fiction.

There is a theme that recurs in the lives of Sam and Tyler that might sound a little too obvious and simplistic, at first blush, but I don’t think it really is: Love.

It was love at that tender age that brought these two together. Now many high school romances don’t last, but the love they shared matured with them. This was the real deal, and eventually they wanted to make it official. 

Reaching back farther before they met each other, both Sam and Tyler each showed a love for their respective faiths. They each loved to learn about their faiths and continue to take great pride in their traditions, that pride being reflected in this very ceremony. 

In our tradition one of the most common explanations for breaking a glass at a wedding is to place it in a category of other acts we do to commemorate the destruction of Herod’s Temple, then the global center of our faith, and with it a short lived independent Jewish state, 1,951 years ago. The Ancient Rabbis tell us that the Temple was destroyed because there was an overflowing of hate among our people.

The late Chief Rabbi of the Land of Israel, Rabbi Abraham Isaac Kook, was once asked what it would take to rebuild the Temple and the Jewish commonwealth. He said that since it was destroyed due to an overflowing of hate, the only way it would be rebuilt would be through an overflowing of love. 

Incidentally, this was the implicit if not explicit message in the way that Sam’s late teacher, a man I was honored to call a friend, Rabbi Jeff Leynor, lived his life. His overflowing love for our faith and for all people was something to witness. 

It is this overflowing of love that Tyler speaks of that brought us here today: “Halfway through college we decided the first thing we wanted to do once we graduated was to get married on our anniversary, October 15th. I planned to graduate in the Fall of 2020, so I went and picked out an engagement ring, Spring of 2020. Well, when nothing went according to plan, I popped the question August 9th, 2020. I just couldn’t take not marrying her for another year and I just wanted her to be my wife.”

Sam and Tyler, marriage will have its ups and downs. That is the nature of the world. Cherish this moment and the overflowing mutual love in your hearts. That will not only get you through the downs but make the ups even sweeter. 

The Luckiest Person on the Planet

Saturday evening, I officiated Devin and Roee’s wedding ceremony at Aspen Ranch, in Edmond, Oklahoma. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

None of us wishes to experience hardship in life. However, when I see a couple who has experienced no hardship, whatsoever, I’m actually worried. I’m not trying to be the skunk at the garden party here, but while weddings are all about romance and celebration, marriage is hard. 

This is why I don’t worry about Devin and Roee. Each of them has endured hardship in their lives. I mean, even if you didn’t know of all the challenges Devin had to work through in her early adulthood, the fact that she had to move to Guam as an 18-year-old tells you enough. (And to quote Rodney Dangerfield’s character Al Czervik in Caddyshack, “No offense,” to Guam.) 

You don’t need me to go into detail to understand the groom’s challenges either. All you need to do is imagine what it would be like for an Israeli boy named Roee to end up at 12 years old in the suburbs of Fort Worth. I mean, the fish-out-of-water sit-com practically writes itself. 

These past hardships prepared these two for the mundane challenges every budding relationship encounters. Roee says, “It was an adjustment to move in together, for sure, since I was a stranger in OKC. I moved with my dog; she had a dog as well, and they didn’t get along in the beginning. It was quite the experience. I also started a new job when I moved to OKC which was another adjustment for me. Devin was supportive through the process, but it was not easy.”

Devin reflects this too, when she says, “Moving in together was an extreme challenge for me. After living by myself for almost a year, I had already grown very comfortable with my routine and lifestyle. And Roee disrupted that. He always seemed to want to work out in the most inconvenient times, he blasted music through the house dancing EVERYDAY, and don’t get me started on his sweaty clothes.”

Devin says, though, “Despite all this, he is the most patient, understanding, loving, and dedicated man. Since I have known him, I have gone through a lot of personal growth, and he has stuck by my side throughout that entire journey… For the first time in my life, I feel like I truly know what God‘s unconditional love looks like, because I have experienced it through Roee.”

Roee agrees, “I do not only love Devin; I know she is a genuine and kind person, who has so much to give. Through our time together, I know she’ll be a great wife and mother to our future children. We have been through so much together… We persevered and it made us stronger… She is my biggest fan, and I am hers. We are best friends and can talk about anything.”

Well, almost anything, because Devin says, “I know that I am the luckiest person on the planet, having a partner like Roee, but don’t tell him that, I like him to think that he’s the luckiest.”