Truly Successful

Saturday afternoon, Pastor Chad Mager and I co-officiated Sydney and Brian’s wedding ceremony at Tea Garden of the Grand Hotel, on Mackinac Island, Michigan. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

So, Sadie Goldstein goes to the park one day, and sees her good friend, Sheila Berkowitz. Sheila had told Sadie that she was looking forward to her grandchildren’s visit, and indeed Sadie spots the two children with the beaming Sheila. Sadie greets her warmly, and says, “They look so cute! Please introduce me.” Sheila says, “Of course!, This is Sheldon, the doctor; he’s eight. Over there on the jungle gym is Irving, the attorney; he just turned six.” (Rim shot.)

Now, obviously, this story is apocryphal, but is this approach regarding what matters in life not true of the outlook of many people in our society? Indeed, if you didn’t know any better, attending a wedding of not one but two doctors of optometry, you might think that this is the approach they grew up with and hold to themselves. Fortunately, nothing could be further from the truth. 

Brian, in fact, says, “My father taught me that to be truly successful in life means to have a loving family.” That is why he says, “I wanted to find someone who I could make happy every day, share and build a life together, and most importantly build a family together… I am so lucky to have found Sydney, to have her in my life… I found my soul mate… I found my best friend.”

And Sydney shares this very approach. She says, “I found the right person who makes me laugh, who is serious enough to make me feel confident in their abilities to take care of our family, who is silly enough to make the life and the serious times it has not so serious, and who is a good role model for our future children. I wanted someone who was kind, nurturing, caring, but also someone who was strong, confident, and motivated. Brian is all of these things and more.”

This is why Sydney says, “All of these things and more make me certain that… I have found the right man for me.” This is why Brian says, “I can’t imagine having anyone else by my side as we navigate this life.”

Embrace Your Differences

Saturday evening, I officiated Emily and Mike’s wedding ceremony at Live by Loews!, in Arlington, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Emily and Mike’s message to us today is one that I have been preaching for the last fourteen years. Now, there is nothing like the word preach to bring both uneasiness to the soul, as well heaviness to the eyelids. Have no fear; this message is simple yet profound, and I will use Emily and Mike’s words, not mine, to convey it.

Emily says, “I quickly fell for him. He was someone I was instantly comfortable around even from our first date. We come from very different upbringings, religiously speaking, but have grown closer through them. We have continued to learn more and more about each other’s religions and learned to embrace them both.”

And Mike says, “We quickly took to each other, reveling in each other’s different upbringings, life stories, and cherished moments. I firmly believe it is my being Jewish that allowed me to connect so well with Emily. It was clear we were meant to be together… and as we grew together as a couple, we both knew marriage would be right for us.”

Though our society has come a long way, some people still view interfaith marriage as a negative. Others might not go as far as that, but still see it as second best. It might make me less popular among most of my colleagues, but I agree with Emily and Mike.

Every couple is different, but I have seen numerous couples like Emily and Mike, whose relationship is enhanced, specifically by the interfaith aspect of it. Every person is different, but I have seen numerous individuals whose relationship with their own faith has grown through such relationships.

We owe a debt of gratitude to this couple here today. Emily and Mike, for reminding us all of these important truths.

They Keep It Real

Saturday evening (7/24), I officiated Kayla and Stephen’s wedding ceremony at The Joule in Dallas, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Like most couples today, Kayla and Stephen’s relationship began in the ether of the internet. Her first impression of him was mysterious yet fortunate: “I didn’t quite know what to make of him… He didn’t come on too strong, which is really what I needed at the time because I was really guarded.”

The moment they met might sound like it came out of a sitcom, “I obviously took the time to look nice for our date but when I went downstairs to meet him, he was standing there in a bright green Under Armor workout shirt. I immediately felt self-conscious that I was a lot more dressed up. He looked a little intimidated and said, ‘You look beautiful.’”

Here is the intriguing observation she made, though, that really hooked her during that first encounter, “Even though I was nervous and probably super awkward, talking to him was easy.” As their relationship progressed, she came to understand that this was part of a wider quality Stephen possesses.

“My favorite thing about him,” she says, “is he’s always smiling when he talks. He’s the best listener and I know all of his friends would agree. When we get into Ubers, I’m the one hoping the driver doesn’t try to talk to me, while he takes an immediate interest in their life, listens to them, and is giving them heartfelt advice by the end of the ride. I love that about him.”

All these quotes come from Kayla’s essay about her and Stephen. I have each person I marry write such an essay. Stephen’s is the first essay of about 1,000, which begins with a disclaimer, “Redacted after peer review.”

It is also the first essay with a term, I, the Jew, was not familiar with. Stephen who had high hopes for their first date discloses that “the date was fun. Towards the end, ‘her friend needed help’ and I got a Christian side hug, so I thought I'd never see her again.” Fortunately, this was one of the few times in documented history that the friend was not imaginary and did really need help, so here we are today.

Stephen shares an observation that I am sure will not be foreign to you if you know Kayla, “Undoubtedly Kayla has the most tenacity of anyone I've ever met. But with that tenacity comes someone who loves fiercely and will work towards overcoming any adversity…

What these two people share, each in their own way, is a quality we could all learn from to enhance our relationships, romantic and otherwise: They keep it real. Kayla says, “Stephen is super genuine, never puts on a façade, just is who he is.” And Stephen says, “Kayla is definitely someone who walks her own path in life, which I greatly respect.” We should all be so lucky.

That One Person We Can Be Vulnerable With

Saturday evening, Reverend Kyle McNeely and I co-officiated Hillary and Justin’s wedding ceremony at The Broadmoor in Colorado Springs, Colorado. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

I ask every couple, nay every person, to tell me why they want to get married and why now. Sometimes the answer is simple yet profound and beautiful. This is one of those cases. 

Hillary, in explaining why she wants to marry Justin, invokes a deep concept introduced by not a great philosopher or religious text, but a fictional TV character, Dr. Cristina Yang. She says, “I desire to marry Justin, because he is my person.”

Much has been written about this concept, how popular it has become among Hillary and Justin’s age cohort, and how, as in the case of fictional character that uttered it, it need not be synonymous with romantic partner.

I find that one of the most important aspects of this concept is sociologist Bella DePaulo’s observation that “having just one person who completes you [is] a ticket to vulnerability.” That is so important for our wellbeing. We all need that one person we can shed all our masks with, that one person we can be vulnerable with.

Hillary elaborates on this: “He is the person who makes me the happiest, the person I can turn to when in need, when I am frustrated with work, need an ear to listen to me vent about work or life, who makes me laugh, who gets me, who I can be myself with, and who loves me unconditionally just as much as I love him.”

When you can be vulnerable with your person, you are able to personally grow in ways you could not without that relationship. Justin reflects this when he too invokes a fictional character, Melvin Udall, who says, “You make me want to be a better man”.

Justin elaborates, “She challenges me to live up to her love and respect every day. To earn it every day. That’s the kind of partner I want to be with for the rest of my life. The fact that she’s hot with a killer smile doesn’t hurt either!!!”

My friends, it really doesn’t get any better than that.

Child of Love

Saturday afternoon, I officiated Libby and Larry’s wedding ceremony at the Four Seasons, on the Peninsula Papagayo, in Costa Rica. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Why on earth would a rabbi base his personal remarks at a wedding on a song that proclaims, “I found a friend in Jesus,” seems like a fair question. You might say what Ricky said to Lucy, “You got some splainin to do.”

When I was thinking of Libby and Larry’s love story, I just happened to be listening to Child of Love an extraordinary song from the contemporary Christian music band, We the Kingdom. And the truth is that listening to Christian music for inspiration was historically quite common. Famous rabbis and cantors would even visit churches to listen to worship and then adapt the tunes for Jewish prayers.

What really captivated me, though, beyond the superb music, IS the message in the song. Obviously, the lyrics are written in a specific Christian context, but there is a universal message embedded in it too.

Listen to some of the words, “I was walking the wayside, lost on a lonely road, I was chasing the high life, tryna satisfy my soul… Then I saw lightning from Heaven, and I’ve never been the same. I’m gonna climb a mountain, I’m gonna shout about it, I am a child of love... I found a world of freedom, I am a child of love”

Franni Rae Cash Cain, the main female vocalist, explains what is behind these words and the name of the song being Child of Love, rather than what we might expect, Child of God, “I think sometimes I tend to think of God as an angry God who wants me to do everything perfectly all the time; and that’s been my tendency growing up to view God, the Father, that way. This song has helped renew my understanding of who He really is as such a loving Father, and so I’m just excited about how this song is going to speak to other people and hopefully communicate God’s love to them.”

This tendency to think of God as angry is deeply embedded in our American culture. One of the first works you will study in American Literature 101 in college is Jonathan Edwards’ Sinners in the Hand of Angry God. This puritanical strain of American religion has been tremendously harmful to generations of Americans and has separated us from one another.

What Libby and Larry’s marriage and the presence of her brother and I up here together show us is that we are better off with Franni Rae’s spiritual convictions. Connection is better than separation. Forgiving our differences and inadequacies and reflecting the divine love that all around us is the best path.

That to me is the message of this beautiful song. That to me is the message of this beautiful couple. We are all children of love.  

A Tropical Contact High

Sunday morning (6/6), I officiated Katie and Mason’s wedding ceremony at the Rosewood Mansion on Turtle Creek, in Dallas, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

I love how Katie describes her spirituality: “I always felt more in tune with God (spiritually) when I was in nature… I find significance in small details or coincidences. I believe they are signs that help me follow and choose the right path.”

Mason, being extremely attuned to this side of Katie, says that though their first date was on the mini golf course, and unnatural sport if there ever was one, he shrewdly asked her to be his “girlfriend in an official capacity,” (his words, not mine), on a mountain having “lugged an entire cooler and picnic set up,” (again, his words, not mine).

Maybe that’s why when they were to move in together, he took her to live with him on an island. Somebody should have told him that Rhode Island is not really an island. Ah, well.

Ok, seriously, though, the reason we are here today does have to do with a real island, specifically a small country, which admittedly, in the words of the eponymous character in the movie Arthur, would likely have been defeated by the almighty armies of Rhode Island. I speak of course of that constituent country of the Kingdom of the Netherlands, Aruba.

Mason says, “After five months of living in Rhode Island, we took a much-needed vacation to Aruba. It was Katie’s first time out of the country. I decided to propose on the last day of our trip on the beach… I took the initiative to propose as I believe we were both looking for something more and knew that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives with each other.”

Now, everyone knows that it is patently illegal in about 27 states to mention the words Aruba and beach, without acknowledging that Beach Boys song. You know which one I speak of, their final big hit and one the greatest earworms ever composed, Kokomo.

I think that is quite fitting, because though the song invokes an imaginary place, it describes the refuge that marriage should be, the place you may escape from the quotidian worries of life, “That's where you wanna go to get away from it all.”

It describes the state of mind marriage should embody, not just that you have once fallen in love, in the past, but perpetually in present and future tense, “falling in love to the rhythm of a steel drum band.”

Most importantly, it describes what every marriage should aspire to, “We'll get there fast and then we'll take it slow.” Go the distance, and methodically perfect “your chemistry,” so for many years to come you can indeed “defy a little bit of gravity,” as, “that dreamy look” in each other’s eyes really does give you “a tropical contact high.”

Timing is Everything

Saturday evening, I officiated Toni and Phillip’s wedding ceremony at the Renaissance Dallas Hotel, on the City View Terrace, in Dallas, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

I always ask every couple not only why they want to get married, but why now? These are related but distinct questions. I found Toni and Phillip’s answer both instructive and insightful.

Toni writes, “The timing on everything in our relationship has pretty much worked out perfectly. From our timeframe of introducing our kids, to the timing of us moving in together. The timing of Phillip’s decision to propose on Christmas Eve not knowing it was Toni’s parents’ wedding anniversary ended up making the proposal even more special. Even our schedules worked out perfectly so on our first holiday season as a couple we were able to spend an entire week together.”

I love that. I will venture to say that the younger we are, the less we think about time and timing; we just live in the moment. There is a beauty in that carefree existence. However, as we grow older, and life seasons us a little, time and timing become a more important part of who we are, in good times and in bad. This has the potential to make the relationships we build, especially those of the romantic variety so much richer.

This idea and specifically Toni’s phrasing naturally made me think of that hauntingly beautiful and meaningful song by Garrett Hedlund, Timing is Everything. When you listen to the words, it really speaks to the essence of how Toni and Phillip each view the other, and their good fortune in having swiped right when they did:

When the stars line up

And you catch a break

People think you're lucky

But you know its grace

It can happen so fast

Or a little bit late

Timing is everything…

I remember that day

When our eyes first met

You ran into the building to get out of the rain

Cause you were soaking wet

And as I held the door

You wanted to know my name

Timing is everything

 

And I could've been another minute late

And you'd never would've crossed my path that day

And when it seems true love is hard to find

That's when love comes along

Just in time

You can call it fate

Or destiny

Sometimes it really seems like its a mystery

Cause you can be hurt by love

Or healed by the same

Timing is everything