Keeps You on Your Toes

Saturday afternoon, I officiated Dear and Ian's wedding ceremony at Benedict Studio in Bangkok, Thailand. (Saturday morning, Dear and Ian had their Buddhist ceremony.) Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

This may come as a surprise, but most couples standing before me at moments like these do not describe their first date like this:

Ian - "When she finally said yes to going out with me (the date)... failed epically..."
Dear - "Our first date, to tell you the truth, was a train wreck..."
Wow! And they say Thai FOOD is spicy!

Now, if you know the rest of the story, you know why this happened. Ian received some very bad advice, reminiscent of the advice the all too real fictional corporate boss, Jack Donaghy, on 30 Rock once gave his employees: "Remember everybody, just DON'T be yourselves!" Ian followed this advice, and if not for Dear's friend imploring her to give him another chance, well, I would be back in Texas right now...

Isn't it fascinating how sometimes we think putting our best foot forward means trying to be someone we are not? And, in fact, in most professional situations, it is probably better NOT to be yourself. Jack Donaghy is actually, irony of ironies, totally right! Abiding by certain agreed upon social conventions lubricates our professional lives. I don't put my bare feet on my desk, even though I would really like to, and you show up to work wearing pants. We all conform. It's not a bad trade off!

However, in matters of the heart, this just does not work. In fact, it might be true, that some relationships stumble BECAUSE people don't let down their guard, and shed all masks of pretension, and are comfortable with - this is key - the other person's differences. This means, of course, that you need to know who you are, what you believe in, and where you want to go.

This is an area, where, excluding date number one, Dear and Ian excel. I can hardly think of two people more confident in who they are, than these two, without being over confident. (OK, maybe Ian is a LITTLE over confident, but still...) They both know themselves, their personal areas of strength, and the areas they need to work on.

This enables them to know each other, appreciate each other, and love each other on a very deep level, not only despite, but even due to, their differences. Ian is able to say, "Dear is an extremely unique woman filled with contradictions, frustrations, and happiness..." And, though, as most guys, he is not as complex, her complexity makes him love her even more. Dear is able to say, "Having been with Ian for over 3 years, I have found that Ian has a dog-like personality (this is a compliment though)..." (Pause) OK, I admit, I still don't get that one... Listen to this one, though: "Another characteristic of Ian that makes me love him... is his passion. I have never seen anyone in my life (that) has (such) massive passion... (for everything) they are interested in. He has a passion for politics, his job, and (really) anything he does," and here's the kicker, "which is the exact opposite of me." And that enhances, rather than detracts from her love for him.

And so, Dear and Ian teach us a lesson well worth remembering for our romantic relationships. As Ian puts it, "Since we only have one life, why not spend it with a person that always keeps you on your toes..." Why not indeed...

When You Call Me

Today I officiated Lauren and Alex's wedding ceremony at Piccolo Mondo in Arlington, Texas. Here is what I said about their Chuppah:

This chuppah is extra special, as it was made by Lauren’s great uncle, Marty and his son, Gary, for Gary’s son Jordan’s wedding. They made it out of cedar and cypress to evoke an ancient custom. We are told that long ago, upon the birth of a daughter, her family would plant a cypress, and upon the birth of a son, his family would plant a cedar. When a couple planned to marry, a branch would be taken from each of their trees to make their chuppah to symbolize their unity.

I was honored to officiate Lauren’s sister, Alex’s wedding to Brian Marques under this very chuppah. Lauren and Alex are honored to continue what has become now a family tradition of marrying under this chuppah, which is fittingly inscribed with the words of the Song of Songs, “I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine.”

 

Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

One of the first questions I ask every couple is, "What are your expectations of your wedding?" However, before I even ask the question, I ask the couple to imagine they work in the creative side of an advertising agency. I ask them to imagine they have a marker and a whiteboard, and that they are brainstorming about a new campaign. They are putting whatever words come to mind on the board.

When I thought of Lauren and Alex's relationship, I found myself going through the same exercise. The words and phrases I wrote down were:

Safety

Comfort

Trust

Being yourself like you can with no one else

Letting go

OK with being needy

If you think about it, that is not a bad list. Sure, marriage is about love and passion and fireworks, and being swept off your feet. But, really what we are doing when we commit to marriage is so much deeper. The person I am today is not the person I am tomorrow. The same is true with each of us. So, not to discourage any of you, but marriage if not a gamble, it is an educated guess. Now, hopefully, it is a well educated guess, based on solid evidence, but still it is a guess. It is a guess, that I of tomorrow and you of tomorrow will make the same choice we make today.

Do you know what you need, to be able to take that leap of faith? You need to feel safe, and comfortable, like you do with no one else. You need to have the type of trust you have in no one else. These qualities can then allow you to relax, and shed all pretenses, so much so that you can truly be yourself, like you can with no one else. This feeling, which has no equal, can then allow you to do what our hyper competitive American life almost never allows us: to let go, to be vulnerable, to be needy, and to know that your lover is there by your side, through it all. And to know, and to cherish the moments, when you will do the same for him or her.

Now, if you paid attention, you will notice that I just used all of the words from my brainstorming list about Lauren and Alex's relationship. That is no mere coincidence. I believe this is exactly what they have. And I find the idea of this type of relationship beautifully described in the quiet words of Regina Spektor's song, The Call:

"It started out as a feeling, which then grew into a hope. Which then turned into a quiet thought, which then turned into a quiet word. And then that word grew louder and louder, til it was a battle cry: I'll come back when you call me; no need to say good-bye. I'll come back when you call me; no need to say good-bye."

Led to Each Other



On Saturday I officiated Sam and Matt’s wedding ceremony at the Stonebridge Ranch Country Club, McKinney, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Albert Einstein was once traveling from Princeton on a train when the conductor came down the aisle, punching the tickets of every passenger. When he came to Einstein, Einstein reached in his vest pocket. He couldn't find his ticket, so he reached in his trouser pockets. It wasn't there, so he looked in his briefcase but couldn't find it. Then he looked in the seat beside him. He still couldn't find it.

The conductor said, "Dr. Einstein, I know who you are. We all know who you are. I'm sure you bought a ticket. Don't worry about it."

Einstein nodded appreciatively. The conductor continued down the aisle punching tickets. As he was ready to move to the next car, he turned around and saw the great physicist down on his hands and knees looking under his seat for his ticket.

The conductor rushed back and said, "Dr. Einstein, Dr. Einstein, don't worry, I know who you are. No problem. You don't need a ticket. I'm sure you bought one."

Einstein looked at him and said, "Young man, I too, know who I am. What I don't know is where I'm going."

Now, it would be difficult to contend that Sam and Matt don't where they are going. You don't get to be the executive chef of ten plus restaurants, if you don't. And, most of us would find it easier to be the executive chef of ten plus restaurants, than teach school kids. Beyond their professional lives, just interact with Sam and Matt for a minute or two, and you know you are dealing with folks you can count on. (I would have said folks who are serious, but that definition does not really apply to one of them. Hint: The word serious only applies to the one that ACTS older.) Humor aside, Sam and Matt, clearly tend to know not only where they are going, but how they will get there.

That is why I find the origin story of their relationship so intriguing and edifying. That night, a few years ago, when the chef, Matt, needed some help from the most competent servers, of course, he chose Sam as one of them. The next part was not part of the plan, but as Sam says, "Throughout the evening, I could not help but notice that he and I seemed to have a connection that I couldn't really place or describe. I just felt drawn to him." And Matt agrees, when he says, "During our down time at our function, the group of us were talking and my answers and Sam answers seemed to match. We both felt a click, spark, match, or cosmic intervention that night." Sam says emphatically, "I do not fully believe that I chose Matt, or he chose me...I believe that we were led to each other."

As time progressed and this encounter blossomed into a full-fledged love story, what both Sam and Matt found, is what many of us discover, when we find that special someone. You are finally able to admit to yourself, that in that area of your life, love, you weren't really sure where you were going. Consequently, you did not really fully know yourself. As that spark of a relationship develops into a carefully tended flame, you uncover where you are truly going, because being with your partner uncovers new directions to go. You discover new aspects of yourself that you did not know existed, and everything just seems to fall into place. THAT is the inherent gift of true love. THAT, my friends, is what Sam and Matt have with each other. THAT is why they stand here today.

I Choose to Love

Saturday, I co-officiated Jamie and Christian’s wedding ceremony at Alamo Heights UMC, in San Antonio, Texas, with Reverend David McNitzky. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Being a man of few words, here is how Christian describes a full two month span of the birth of his relationship with Jamie: “Her beauty made it difficult for me to act normal and formulate complete sentences at times but nevertheless we quickly formed a close relationship and started dating within a couple months of meeting ... “Of course, that irresistibility was and is to this day mutual. Jamie says that then and to this very day, “his eyes make me melt.”

Their personalities really mesh well together. There is something to the idea of opposites attracting, but way more to the idea of each of us needing someone to complement our essential qualities. Indeed, Jamie says, “My close friends always tell me that Christian is perfect for me. I need a chill, laid back guy, that lets me be me, and keeps me grounded and calm.” And, Christian, not surprisingly says that what he most loves about Jamie is not just that, “She is smart, funny, caring, and a loving person,” but also that, “One of her strongest qualities is the ability to fight and stand up for what she wants and believes in...”

Of course, not surprisingly, but also not to be taken for granted, is how much parenting their daughter has brought her mom and dad even closer. As Jamie and Christian put it, “We are not your typical soon to be newlyweds ... We have been through ... trials and tests, not only as a couple, but also as a family unit already ...”

What this love story, which we celebrate today, really has going for it is that both Jamie and Christian recognize what rock solid couples recognize: Love stories in real life, take work. They each not only recognize that, but mutually admire and appreciate that recognition in the other. They each day to say each other, not only in their own words, which I quote, but especially in their actions, “I choose to love you every day. I choose to put our family as my priority. I choose this great life we have built together.”

Why Not Indeed…

On Saturday I officiated Allie and Kyan’s wedding ceremony at the Rockin Y Ranch in Austin, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

I ask every couple to write about how they met. I get a variety of answers. Some people meet through work, some meet through friends, many meet online. Allie and Kyan met in line. Now, with Kyan’s background at Blizzard, you might think I just said online. No, no. They met in line, and yes, Arkansans, they met at Walmart. Now, when they met, Allie was still studying in medical school. In Poland, of course. (Like you do…) So, it took a little while to shift the relationship into high gear. Still once she was back in Austin, they were pretty soon inseparable.

Here is what happened next, in Allie’s words: “We knew that I probably wouldn’t stay in Austin for residency and would have to move away for at least 3 years. We sat down and talked about our options, Kyan told me that he wanted to be together even if that meant quitting his job and moving.” Now, guys, remember, Kyan was not working at a law firm or a bank. This guy’s work was at a company, nay, THE company that makes video games! Now many guys having left a job at a video game company to support their future spouse would rest on his laurels, justifiably just wondering where he should put that fiancé of the year award on the mantle. Not Kyan. Allie continues, “Having Kyan with me is easily the best part of this place. He brings me out of my slumps and makes me realize how lucky I am. Everything is more fun and exciting with him around so when he proposed I had no hesitation. I know we want the same things in life and if he can make Pine Bluff tolerable, I know that whatever else we do together will be an amazing adventure and a ton of fun.” I suspect the head of the Pine Bluff Chamber of Commerce was not on the guest list tonight…

Now, the cool thing about Allie and Kyan’s relationship is that it exemplifies how each of us should think about and treat our lovers. Why do I say that? Well, because each of them seems to see the other as the one who not only do they love, but who made them and their life better. Can you ask for more?

Listen to how Kyan expresses this: “I guess I knew Allie was the one because she was the first woman I let in… I never thought it was worth taking a shot, until I met Allie.  I never saw myself settling down because of this…  I always wanted to do what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. If that meant not doing dishes for a week or going to the movies to watch the same movie three times, then that’s what it meant.  However after getting to know Allie and really enjoying our time together I began to realize that life does not move at my pace. She showed me that when more than one person is involved life tends to speed up and is much fuller.  I decided to get off the slow train and run and catch hers. It was worth the run. She makes me want to be a better man and she has made me so much better already. With Allie I see a partner, a teammate, and my best friend.  Why not spend the rest of my life with such an amazing person?”

Why not, why not indeed…

A Good Metaphor for Life and Marriage

Sunday evening I officiated Megan and Zach’s wedding ceremony at the Hickory Street Annex in Dallas, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Zach beautifully describes the birth of their relationship, what he loves about Megan, and one of the interesting behavioral commonalities they share:

"I knew I had found someone special. From the first date... I knew she was the one. She's so funny and quirky... She's beautiful, smart, and extremely giving and gracious... We're both pretty clumsy... we always have to warn each other when there's a bump in the road coming up to make sure we don't trip... I... think this is a good metaphor for life and marriage."

Now, at first blush, you might actually disagree with his premise. I mean, would it not make more sense if the clumsy person found a non-clumsy person. Would that not be a better way to avoid tripping over the bumps in the road? Aren't you almost guaranteeing MORE falls if you are both clumsy?

Megan actually gives the perfect answer to this question. I am not sure she even realizes how perfect it was when she wrote it: "I met the perfect guy at the perfect time. I got very lucky!" (Pause.)

Now, at this moment you might feel underwhelmed by that short quote. You need to understand what happened before Megan and Zach met. You see, they both were extremely methodical, careful and deliberate in the run-up to meeting each other. They only met with those whom advanced algorithms told them they should. On top of that, Megan had drawn up a detailed list of qualities she wanted the choices of the algorithm to meet. And she states that she, "had a lot of first dates, no second dates..." So, on a superficial level, you might think that this couple would be justified in saying that luck had nothing to do with arriving here today. So, why does Megan say what clearly both of them feel, that they got lucky?

Because, Megan and Zach recognize that even if you methodically plan, and carefully execute your plan, there are factors you can't think of. So much in life is beyond our control. Now, when you are the clumsy type, you learn this lesson very quickly. You understand that smart and methodical as you may be, luck plays a large part in your existence. This, in turn, helps you develop a sense of empathy for others' failings and stumbles. This sense of empathy helps you develop perhaps one of the most important qualities for life and love: being non-judgmental.

Being non-judgmental means you understand you need to gently warn others from time to time, and that's OK. Being non-judgmental means you understand that even when you warn others, from time to time, they may fail, and that's OK. Being non-judgmental means you understand that even when people fall, it does not mean that they are any more flawed than you, and you can and should help them back up.

When we look at society around us today, I am not sure there is a better lesson for life. When we look at marriage, there can be no better recipe for a long lasting union. This is the important lesson Megan and Zach teach us here today.

Infectious

Saturday evening I co-officiated Michelle and Melanie’s wedding ceremony with Reverend Aaron White, at the couple’s home in Colleyville, Texas. Here are some of the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Infectious. That sounds like a weird word to begin your personal remarks to a couple with, right? Allow me to explain.

I have each person I marry write an autobiographical essay. I ask specifically why they want to marry. I read these essays, and I take little notes. I try to do this as close as possible to my second meeting with them. That way I remember what my little notes mean. I actually read Michelle and Melanie essays the night before our early morning meeting. Now, I had met them once before, and we talked quite extensively. However, what they wrote about each other - wow! So, even before our second meeting, I was kind of overwhelmed. Listen to this.

 

Melanie writes:

"What do I love about Michelle?  The list is long. I love how fiery and passionate she is. I love how goal oriented she is.  She is a wonderful athlete who is fueled by setting goals and achieving them.  She is a wonderful mom... She is my best friend. I have never wanted to spend all of my time with someone before like I do with her.  I love how affectionate she has become with me... Anyone that spends time around us, can see how genuinely happy and good we are together.  Fact is, I cannot get enough of Michelle. I get sad when the weekend ends, and I know I will not see her during the day.  Michelle is the best part of my day."

Not to be outdone, Michelle writes:

"Melanie is the most interesting person I've known and even in a short amount of time, I've grown to love her deeper than I've ever loved anyone else in my life. On our toughest days, it never feels like work. She makes me want to be a better person and strive to be the best life partner... She is very protective of me and I know she will always care for me in sickness and health. She is fiercely loyal to all people that she loves... Melanie has taught me that it's okay to let my guard down and be vulnerable. She taught me to love fiercely and never make a decision out of fear. She has shown me how to love unconditionally and lead with my heart not my head."

Wow. How do you even follow that? I mean, I could talk about how interesting parallels and commonalities in the biographies of this Southern lady and New York gal have added color and flavor to their relationship. I could talk about their similarities and how they bring them together. I could talk about their differences, and how they have not only not impeded, but have actually enhanced their relationship. I could talk about what great moms AND daughters they each are. I could probably just talk about their sacrifices and work ethic in all areas of their lives, and how this has brought them closer.

I don't know about you, but to me all of those important points just don't seem to measure up to the infectious nature of the love they share. And so, all I can think of are the simple yet perfect words of Jess Glynne (a young British singer who is both Jewish like Melanie AND a redhead like Michelle), in her song, Real Love, as she conveys my thoughts about Michelle and Melanie's relationship: "You've got the feeling that I want to feel, you've got the feeling that I know is real. This IS real love."