On Saturday (10/20) I co-officiated Amy and Ben’s wedding, at Green Pastures in Austin, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:
Sometimes you hear people lament the condition of marriage today. They long for the non-existent good old days, depicted in movies of the Hayes Code era, where everyone married, most married young, and all lived happily ever after. I recently re-watched Ilya Kazan's 1947 movie, "Gentlemen's Agreement". This movie shook American Society to its core in recognizing Anti-Semitism was a real problem. Still, even in this groundbreaking movie, the hero and the heroine are discussing marriage within two scenes, once they sense that their relationship is getting half serious. Do any of us really think this was ever a good or healthy thing? Though hardly any of us do, we as a society still have not fully, excuse the pun, divorced ourselves from this idyllic dream that never was.
This is where the approach of Amy and Ben, shared by many of their peers, may teach us a thing or two. Amy says, "Society has drummed up the notion that the clock is ticking, that you have to start having kids and being single after thirty is just taboo. None of those things matter to me."
So, if we understand that that is true, how do re-conceptualize marriage? Amy tells us, "I want to get married because it feels right, it makes sense and there are no reservations in working to be together with this specific person for the rest of my life." It is in this type of relationship that one can, in her words, feel, "so lucky to have" the other "each and everyday." It is in that type of relationship that, "Life really is better, together."
It is in that type of mature contemplative relationship that Ben can reflect on how well he knows Amy, and state that he wishes to marry her because he knows her to be, in his words, "Selfless, intelligent, motivated, adventurous", one he, loves "Spending time on the couch with... watching a movie with... riding a motorcycle with... and traveling the world with." It is in that type of relationship, where even the Kryptonite of the immature relationship, silence, turns into precious gold, and leads Ben to say how much he treasures a quiet evening with Amy.
Amy and Ben, with a mature and substantial relationship like yours, you are on the path to marital success. May your years together, indeed be long and many.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Friday, October 19, 2012
Effortless and Natural
On Sunday (10/7) I officiated Courtney and Mike’s wedding at Chateau Polonez in Houston, Texas. Here is what I shared with them and their guests during my personal remarks:
One of the most obvious things about Courtney and Michael is that they are really and truly best friends, not just lovers. So much so that they make their relationship look and feel natural and effortless. How do they do this?
Well, one of the things I have learned is that paradoxically it takes a lot of time and practice to make something like that look natural! Now that may sound comical, but it is true. Courtney and Michael understood this way back, and so even though they knew they were soul mates from the beginning, they took their relationship slowly step by step, tried it out in different environments, put a lot of practice into their journey together, and gave their love time to mature like a fine wine.
Of course, practice and time are not enough. You have to be practicing the right stuff. But how do you know you are? Well, I believe you have the best shot at that, when you are open to learning from each other.
Now if you know anything about Courtney and Mike, you know how much they believe in each other. You know how much they admire each other. You know how much they value each other's perspective. When you truly believe in someone, value that person's perspective and admire that person you can learn so much. When you know that this is mutual, well, you can learn even more. Indeed, with Courtney and Michael, you can see how much they have learned and continue to learn from each other every day.
Only when you are truly open to learning from each other in such a fashion, can you really grow as individuals and as a couple, and be best friends too. And again, when you really practice and give that growth time to flourish, well, it just makes all that effort look, you guessed it, effortless and natural.
So, Courtney and Michael, as you are about to take your vows, we encourage you to continue this growth, continue to be best friends, continue on this journey of happiness, the whole time making it look effortless.
One of the most obvious things about Courtney and Michael is that they are really and truly best friends, not just lovers. So much so that they make their relationship look and feel natural and effortless. How do they do this?
Well, one of the things I have learned is that paradoxically it takes a lot of time and practice to make something like that look natural! Now that may sound comical, but it is true. Courtney and Michael understood this way back, and so even though they knew they were soul mates from the beginning, they took their relationship slowly step by step, tried it out in different environments, put a lot of practice into their journey together, and gave their love time to mature like a fine wine.
Of course, practice and time are not enough. You have to be practicing the right stuff. But how do you know you are? Well, I believe you have the best shot at that, when you are open to learning from each other.
Now if you know anything about Courtney and Mike, you know how much they believe in each other. You know how much they admire each other. You know how much they value each other's perspective. When you truly believe in someone, value that person's perspective and admire that person you can learn so much. When you know that this is mutual, well, you can learn even more. Indeed, with Courtney and Michael, you can see how much they have learned and continue to learn from each other every day.
Only when you are truly open to learning from each other in such a fashion, can you really grow as individuals and as a couple, and be best friends too. And again, when you really practice and give that growth time to flourish, well, it just makes all that effort look, you guessed it, effortless and natural.
So, Courtney and Michael, as you are about to take your vows, we encourage you to continue this growth, continue to be best friends, continue on this journey of happiness, the whole time making it look effortless.
Monday, October 15, 2012
An Empathetic Couple
On Saturday (10/6), after I co-officiated Heather and Brian’s wedding with my good friend, Father Milt Raybould, in Carrollton, Texas, we raced down to the Barr Mansion in Austin, Texas to co-officiate Olive and Guillermo’s wedding. Here are the remarks I shared with this physician couple and their guests:
A few days after my second of four meetings with Olive and Guillermo, I was watching a podcast of a lecture by Alain de Botton, and it was as if he was speaking to my thoughts about this fascinating couple.
I don't know about you, but one of the things I look for in a physician, beyond capability, obviously, is empathy. I don't think I am alone in that sense. You see, De Botton reminds us that while we live in the West, in what we perceive as perfect meritocratic societies, we are still far from the ideal. There is still so much in our lives that is the result of luck, be it lucky genes, lucky circumstance of birth, luck of people we interact with. So, when we go to the doctor, we want our doctor to tell us we need to lose some of that weight, but to understand how hard it is too. We want our internist to explain our treatment options, and also understand that we might need to wait a few months to save up for the deductible, because our insurance policy has gotten even more sucky, than the last one we had. We want our pediatrician to explain the 12,000th time why that vaccination is safe and necessary, which we know already, but are still just a little freaked out about, because it is our child we are talking about here.
Now, what so struck me about Olive and Guillermo, is that even though I have never interacted with them in a professional medical capacity, I know I would be totally comfortable doing so. Their success due to perseverance and hard work, has not caused them to be judgmental about others. If anything, it has caused them to be so much more accepting and compassionate. You see this in how they describe growing up. You see this in how they describe the circuitous route of their professional education and experience. You see this in how they reflect on their love story, on their learning from each other, and in how they live their life together as a couple. For that, for this important lesson they embody, we all owe them a debt of gratitude.
A few days after my second of four meetings with Olive and Guillermo, I was watching a podcast of a lecture by Alain de Botton, and it was as if he was speaking to my thoughts about this fascinating couple.
I don't know about you, but one of the things I look for in a physician, beyond capability, obviously, is empathy. I don't think I am alone in that sense. You see, De Botton reminds us that while we live in the West, in what we perceive as perfect meritocratic societies, we are still far from the ideal. There is still so much in our lives that is the result of luck, be it lucky genes, lucky circumstance of birth, luck of people we interact with. So, when we go to the doctor, we want our doctor to tell us we need to lose some of that weight, but to understand how hard it is too. We want our internist to explain our treatment options, and also understand that we might need to wait a few months to save up for the deductible, because our insurance policy has gotten even more sucky, than the last one we had. We want our pediatrician to explain the 12,000th time why that vaccination is safe and necessary, which we know already, but are still just a little freaked out about, because it is our child we are talking about here.
Now, what so struck me about Olive and Guillermo, is that even though I have never interacted with them in a professional medical capacity, I know I would be totally comfortable doing so. Their success due to perseverance and hard work, has not caused them to be judgmental about others. If anything, it has caused them to be so much more accepting and compassionate. You see this in how they describe growing up. You see this in how they describe the circuitous route of their professional education and experience. You see this in how they reflect on their love story, on their learning from each other, and in how they live their life together as a couple. For that, for this important lesson they embody, we all owe them a debt of gratitude.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Humor is Vital
Saturday (10/6) I co-officiated Heather and Brian’s wedding with my good friend, Father Milt Raybould, in Carrollton, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests at this intimate wedding:
Heather and Brian are such a fun couple! They don't take themselves too seriously. They find humor in challenging situations. They brighten a room when they walk into it. Is it any surprise that this is the first of 160 brides I have officiated for who actually tried her hand at standup comedy.
Now, some people might make light of the importance of comedy. (See what I did there?) The Jewish tradition though does not. The Talmud recounts a story of a sage who encountered the immortal prophet Elijah in the marketplace. The sage asked Elijah if he could tell him of all the people there who surely had a share in the World to Come. Elijah pointed out two people in the crowd and disappeared. The sage approached the two, and he asked them who they were and what they did. He surely expected them to tell him of their great learning or marked piety. Not so. They told him that they were just two people who possessed a good sense of humor. They explained that they would walk through the marketplace, and whenever they would see someone who looked sad or despondent, they would cheer that person up, maybe tell a joke or two, and leave the person in good spirits. And this was apparently why Elijah and by extension God had thought so highly of them.
This is, in my opinion, one of the deepest stories in the Talmud. It reminds us how important it is to increase happiness in the world, how helping people through fun can be so valuable, and how vital humor is to every human relationship.
Heather and Brian, in the ways you interact with each other and with the world, you show us this is a lesson you know already. So continue to exhibit a playful spirit, continue to have fun with each other, and continue to bring happiness into the world. Through this you will inherit your share not only in the World to Come, but in the hearts of your friends and family.
Heather and Brian are such a fun couple! They don't take themselves too seriously. They find humor in challenging situations. They brighten a room when they walk into it. Is it any surprise that this is the first of 160 brides I have officiated for who actually tried her hand at standup comedy.
Now, some people might make light of the importance of comedy. (See what I did there?) The Jewish tradition though does not. The Talmud recounts a story of a sage who encountered the immortal prophet Elijah in the marketplace. The sage asked Elijah if he could tell him of all the people there who surely had a share in the World to Come. Elijah pointed out two people in the crowd and disappeared. The sage approached the two, and he asked them who they were and what they did. He surely expected them to tell him of their great learning or marked piety. Not so. They told him that they were just two people who possessed a good sense of humor. They explained that they would walk through the marketplace, and whenever they would see someone who looked sad or despondent, they would cheer that person up, maybe tell a joke or two, and leave the person in good spirits. And this was apparently why Elijah and by extension God had thought so highly of them.
This is, in my opinion, one of the deepest stories in the Talmud. It reminds us how important it is to increase happiness in the world, how helping people through fun can be so valuable, and how vital humor is to every human relationship.
Heather and Brian, in the ways you interact with each other and with the world, you show us this is a lesson you know already. So continue to exhibit a playful spirit, continue to have fun with each other, and continue to bring happiness into the world. Through this you will inherit your share not only in the World to Come, but in the hearts of your friends and family.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Do Fairy Tales Come True?
This last Saturday I officiated Erika and William's wedding in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. What a special cosmopolitan couple! Their story is quite unique. Here are my remarks:
Do fairy tales come true? Well, that depends what you mean by a fairy tale. The first definition of a fairy tale, according to Webster's is, "a story involving fantastic forces and beings." Now, anyone who knows Erika and William, will tell you that they have no use for any type of such magical thinking.
Fortunately, Webster's has a second definition. According to this definition, a fairy tale is, "a story in which improbable events lead to a happy ending." If one tries, like Erika and William, to live life rationally, can one still believe that in our world there are such fairy tales?
I believe that you can. All you need to do is look at the extraordinary love story of Erika and William. What are the chances, after all, of these two coming together? Improbable, indeed. Then again these two, as individuals, exhibit character, that is almost improbable. Erika, well, you could just understate it, and say she took the road less traveled. Yup, all the way to mastering Spanish, and studying and working in Costa Rica, and at this point holding, as my dad would say, more degrees than a thermometer... And, William, well, they hardly use this quaint phrase anymore, but this is a self made man! You hear his story, and your average medical resident working 100 hours a week seems just down right lazy...
So, do fairy tales exist and come true? Not always. In fact, not often. That said, Erika and William in their story as individuals, and as a couple, show us that fairy tales do come true. They show us that there are stories, "in which improbable events lead to a happy ending..."
It does not end there, however. Anyone who knows Erika and William will tell you that there is something they feel very strongly about, in this regard. They both feel that there is a lot more we as a society and as individuals can and should do to make sure that more fairy tales come true for more people. Let us resolve to each heed this call in our lives. Let us resolve, as Erika and William have, to make more fairy tales become a reality.
Do fairy tales come true? Well, that depends what you mean by a fairy tale. The first definition of a fairy tale, according to Webster's is, "a story involving fantastic forces and beings." Now, anyone who knows Erika and William, will tell you that they have no use for any type of such magical thinking.
Fortunately, Webster's has a second definition. According to this definition, a fairy tale is, "a story in which improbable events lead to a happy ending." If one tries, like Erika and William, to live life rationally, can one still believe that in our world there are such fairy tales?
I believe that you can. All you need to do is look at the extraordinary love story of Erika and William. What are the chances, after all, of these two coming together? Improbable, indeed. Then again these two, as individuals, exhibit character, that is almost improbable. Erika, well, you could just understate it, and say she took the road less traveled. Yup, all the way to mastering Spanish, and studying and working in Costa Rica, and at this point holding, as my dad would say, more degrees than a thermometer... And, William, well, they hardly use this quaint phrase anymore, but this is a self made man! You hear his story, and your average medical resident working 100 hours a week seems just down right lazy...
So, do fairy tales exist and come true? Not always. In fact, not often. That said, Erika and William in their story as individuals, and as a couple, show us that fairy tales do come true. They show us that there are stories, "in which improbable events lead to a happy ending..."
It does not end there, however. Anyone who knows Erika and William will tell you that there is something they feel very strongly about, in this regard. They both feel that there is a lot more we as a society and as individuals can and should do to make sure that more fairy tales come true for more people. Let us resolve to each heed this call in our lives. Let us resolve, as Erika and William have, to make more fairy tales become a reality.
Friday, September 7, 2012
There’s No Other Love in the World Like Yours
Last Sunday I co-officiated Katie and Josh's wedding at Lost Mission in the Texas Hill Country with Father Alejandro de Jesus. They chose a beautiful reading, which I referred to in my personal remarks. Here they are respectively:
Reading:
There’s No Other Love in the World Like Yours – Author Unknown
There's no other love in the world like yours. There's no other life like the one you will share... As two pebbles in a pool spread ripples forever outward, your two lives will blend into one and widen and grow through all the days of your love. But each of you will still be you.
Two people, separate, original and independent, even in your togetherness. Just as the flame of two candles can burn apart from one another and yet blend their light to brighten the same room, you will be as one and still be two.
A wonderful adventure awaits you as you go forward from today to build a world as wide as your wishes and as dear as your dreams. It will be a world where even problems can bring you closer as you solve them together, a world where you can live the story of your love, a story that's never before been told. You've already shared so much from the time when you first met… And your marriage is the beginning of a deeper sharing, a wider awareness, a greater happiness. As you gaze outward in the same direction and look inward at the feelings that are closest to your heart. There's no other love in the world like yours.
There's no other life like the one you will share. And there's no joy to compare with the kind you've wished for today, tomorrow, and always.
Remarks:
I was really happy when Katie and Josh chose this last beautiful reading. It contains so many rich ideas about love and marriage. I wanted to touch upon just one that I feel is very true regarding Katie and Josh. This idea also connects to the Seven Jewish Wedding Blessings, which we will get to later in this ceremony.
One of the most incredible things about life is that we each are unique. Think about how mind boggling that is. We each are separate and unique beings. We each are here on this earth for a short time. We each walk this earth, and once we are gone, we are gone forever.
This can be disquieting or disconcerting, but it can also be invigorating and empowering. What I see in Josh and Katie's outlook on life is fortunately the latter. They truly savor and cherish life.
One of the most profound things one can experience in this limited time we have is true love, the kind of true love, where there is truly no other love in the world that is like it, the kind of love that is unique and singular. The way Katie speaks of Josh, and the way Josh speaks of Katie you sense quite clearly that this is what they have.
It is this love that the Seven Blessings allude to with their references to Adam and Eve. What we wish for every couple is that they love each other so much, that it is as if there are no others in the world besides them. This is what Katie and Josh exemplify in their relationship.
Katie and Josh, what we wish for you is that your happiness together continue, and that it be so great that indeed there be no joy to compare with it not only today, but tomorrow and always.
Reading:
There’s No Other Love in the World Like Yours – Author Unknown
There's no other love in the world like yours. There's no other life like the one you will share... As two pebbles in a pool spread ripples forever outward, your two lives will blend into one and widen and grow through all the days of your love. But each of you will still be you.
Two people, separate, original and independent, even in your togetherness. Just as the flame of two candles can burn apart from one another and yet blend their light to brighten the same room, you will be as one and still be two.
A wonderful adventure awaits you as you go forward from today to build a world as wide as your wishes and as dear as your dreams. It will be a world where even problems can bring you closer as you solve them together, a world where you can live the story of your love, a story that's never before been told. You've already shared so much from the time when you first met… And your marriage is the beginning of a deeper sharing, a wider awareness, a greater happiness. As you gaze outward in the same direction and look inward at the feelings that are closest to your heart. There's no other love in the world like yours.
There's no other life like the one you will share. And there's no joy to compare with the kind you've wished for today, tomorrow, and always.
Remarks:
I was really happy when Katie and Josh chose this last beautiful reading. It contains so many rich ideas about love and marriage. I wanted to touch upon just one that I feel is very true regarding Katie and Josh. This idea also connects to the Seven Jewish Wedding Blessings, which we will get to later in this ceremony.
One of the most incredible things about life is that we each are unique. Think about how mind boggling that is. We each are separate and unique beings. We each are here on this earth for a short time. We each walk this earth, and once we are gone, we are gone forever.
This can be disquieting or disconcerting, but it can also be invigorating and empowering. What I see in Josh and Katie's outlook on life is fortunately the latter. They truly savor and cherish life.
One of the most profound things one can experience in this limited time we have is true love, the kind of true love, where there is truly no other love in the world that is like it, the kind of love that is unique and singular. The way Katie speaks of Josh, and the way Josh speaks of Katie you sense quite clearly that this is what they have.
It is this love that the Seven Blessings allude to with their references to Adam and Eve. What we wish for every couple is that they love each other so much, that it is as if there are no others in the world besides them. This is what Katie and Josh exemplify in their relationship.
Katie and Josh, what we wish for you is that your happiness together continue, and that it be so great that indeed there be no joy to compare with it not only today, but tomorrow and always.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
The Great Power of Love and Sacrifice
This last Saturday I co-officiated Eve and Patrick's wedding at the Marty Leonard Chapel in the Fort Worth, Texas with my good friend, Deacon Mike Gesch. Here are my remarks:
Today we celebrate Eve and Patrick's mutual love in the context of their religious traditions. Though there are differences between their traditions, many of the ideas they celebrate regarding marriage are shared.
Both faiths emphasize the importance of finding the love of our lives, both faiths tell us that that love involves making sacrifices, and both faiths idealize marriage as the best vehicle for that mutual love and sacrifice between two loving individuals.
Eve and Patrick speak so lovingly about each other, that you know this is the type of love they share. Patrick says, "I am always happier when I am with her than when we are apart." Eve says, "I thank God everyday for making and bringing me my other half, soul mate, and best friend."
It is clear too that this love was not created in a vaccum. Both Eve and Patrick talk about what an incredible example their parents set for them with their love stories. And so this is in fact a multi-generational tale.
Eve and Patrick, what we wish for you is that continue this shared tradition. Continue to exhibit your romance for the next generation. Carry this love story forward, and may your children after you know the same joys of true love and sacrifice in the context of sturdy marital relationships.
Today we celebrate Eve and Patrick's mutual love in the context of their religious traditions. Though there are differences between their traditions, many of the ideas they celebrate regarding marriage are shared.
Both faiths emphasize the importance of finding the love of our lives, both faiths tell us that that love involves making sacrifices, and both faiths idealize marriage as the best vehicle for that mutual love and sacrifice between two loving individuals.
Eve and Patrick speak so lovingly about each other, that you know this is the type of love they share. Patrick says, "I am always happier when I am with her than when we are apart." Eve says, "I thank God everyday for making and bringing me my other half, soul mate, and best friend."
It is clear too that this love was not created in a vaccum. Both Eve and Patrick talk about what an incredible example their parents set for them with their love stories. And so this is in fact a multi-generational tale.
Eve and Patrick, what we wish for you is that continue this shared tradition. Continue to exhibit your romance for the next generation. Carry this love story forward, and may your children after you know the same joys of true love and sacrifice in the context of sturdy marital relationships.
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