A Painting and a Pencil Sketch

Here are the words I shared with everyone at the wedding of Adriana and Andrew in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, just two weeks ago:

The idea that I can and should learn from my couples is just one of the reasons that I meet with every couple three or four times before their wedding, and ask each partner to write a short essay about him or herself. That said, this is the first wedding in more than 65 in the last two years or so, where the bride wrote something so beautiful that I just had to include it verbatim in my remarks.

One thing that struck me from my very first discussion with Adriana and Andrew is that really the phrase “interfaith couple” did not fit the bill with regards to this couple, just as it does not fit many of the couples I work with. “Intercultural couple” may be a more apt term. Certainly Adriana and Andrew each started out at different points, but through their own personal journeys, and their journey together, it is well evident that they have reached a place, where they have more in common in terms of faith and belief, than many other couples out there. This is not due to coincidence, rather this is due to the fact that they have each chosen to really think and grow in this area. This also does not mean they reject their respective heritages, rather they have chosen to build on those heritages, and to examine their lives spiritually, figure out who they are, and what they want as individuals and as a couple.

In the words of the bride, “I like to think of my religious and spiritual life as a beautiful painting. In the best art and true life paintings or drawings, there is rarely ever a solid line that separates the colors or shapes; everything needs to blend together. Colors use a change of tone or texture, sometimes bumping right up together - they're never separated. And yet, when the artist began their work of art, it started as a pencil sketch; nothing but lines. In my life those lines were drawn for me by religion, as it was taught to my mom and how she tried to teach it to me, but I've since fleshed it out, and while it was an excellent guide, and anyone who knows me can see the evidence of those lines, they've transformed to my own sense of spirituality.”

Adriana and Andrew, there is to me a very important lesson in this for all of us. We have very limited control over our circumstances in life. We cannot choose to whom we are born, what our physical features will be, or where we will grow up. We do, however, have control over how we choose to relate to our circumstances in life. In other words, we cannot choose our fate, but we can choose our destiny. We can and should choose to think and contemplate and develop, and never stop growing for even one instant. Adriana and Andrew, thank you for teaching us this important lesson. Hold on to that. Wake up every morning, and look into each other’s eyes with the resolve to continue to grow and build your lives build together, and I have no doubt, your bond will remain unbreakable.

Things I Learned from Teresa and Ben

Here is an excerpt of what I said at the wedding of Teresa and Ben in Houston this last Saturday:

Now, as we are talking about two teachers here, there seems to be an abundance of lessons that this couple teaches us. The first lesson is one about how we need to be more exact with language, and how common terms do not always fit, especially when they aim to put people in a certain “box”. You see, since the first time I first spoke with Teresa and Ben, I was struck by a very interesting fact. The phrase “interfaith couple” did not fit the bill with regards to this couple, just as it does not fit many of the couples I work with. “Intercultural couple” may be a more apt term. Certainly Teresa and Ben come from different backgrounds, and have had different life stories. That said they have more in common in terms of faith and belief, than many other couples out there. This is not due to coincidence, rather this is due to the fact that they have chosen to really think about these issues of faith and belief. They have chosen together to carefully examine their lives spiritually, figure out who they are, and what they want as individuals and as a couple. They also recognize that they need to continue to grow together in this sense and to focus on the joy, happiness and meaning that such growth can bring to a couple’s life.

There is, however, a deeper, more significant reason that the phrase “interfaith couple” does not fit Teresa and Ben, and that is that they understand Mark Twain’s old adage, “Faith is believing what you know ain't so”. This couple, as Humanists, choose to live their lives, as individuals and as a couple, guided by the clear light of reason. And keep in mind, that they do this not in San Francisco or Soho; they live their lives this way in Houston, Texas. They, in turn, respectfully, by their very example, challenge us to live our lives in such a way.

A third and last thing they teach us is to live in harmony with the rest of this world. There are many people who recognize that there is a better way to treat nature, and particularly our closest relatives on the evolutionary tree, the members of the animal kingdom. It makes sense, after all. That said, most of us, aspire to this as an ideal, but fall short in their day to day lives, myself included. Teresa and Ben, you show us that living a purer life, when it comes to our consumption, namely veganism, is not just an ideal, but is an attainable way of life.

Hail to the Chiefs - How I Officiated at a Wedding in the Presence of Two Presidents

I recently officiated at a ceremony, where both Presidents Bush and their First Ladies were in attendance. They hardly ever attend private events, so this was very special for everyone who was in attendance. My wife, Liat, and I wondered if we would get to meet them or not. We ended up not only meeting them, but having some very pleasant one-on-one time with the forty-third president.

During the ceremony I recited the customary Seven Wedding Blessings in English, after which I chanted the sixty-seventh Psalm in Hebrew (in the tune specially reserved for Saturday nights), and recited it in English. I talked about how on Saturday evenings many Jews chant this Psalm, and how it contains many of the same themes and actual words found in the most ancient copy of scripture that archeologists have found in the Holy Land, the priestly blessing.

After the ceremony, President George W. Bush congratulated me for a job well done from about 12 feet away, and I thanked him. He then smiled and motioned with his finger that he wanted me to come over to him. I then had the privilege of shaking hands with the two presidents and their first ladies, who all congratulated me on doing a great job. That would have been an experience in and of itself.

Then the elder Bushes went to take pictures and talk to other guests, and I introduced Liat to President George W. and Mrs. Laura Bush. The former first lady then went to join the others, and the former president spent the next ten minutes talking to us! He asked how long we had lived in Dallas, where we were from, and about our children. He was specifically curious about Liat’s ancestry. (Due to the fact that she is of both North African and Eastern European extraction, many people find her hard to “place”.) He was tickled by the fact that our youngest son shared a birthday with him, and playfully referred to him later in the conversation as “George”. (His siblings are already giving him a hard time over that one…)

Since we mentioned that Liat was born in Israel, and I grew up there, we talked about the Jewish State. He confirmed a story I had once read about Sharon in 1998 taking him on a helicopter tour of the 1967 borders, and specifically pointing out the area where Israel within these borders was the narrowest, only about 8 kilometers wide. To this the then Texas Governor had remarked that, “we have driveways in Texas that are longer than that.” He was explicit about how there was a real mutual affection between himself, and the man he now referred to as “the old tank driver”.

Our discussion ended with Mrs. Laura Bush calling him over to join her for some photos. (That just goes to show you that even in that family there is a well defined hierarchy...) With that, he shook our hands, and thanked me once again for a job well done. We thanked him for his kindness, and went to join the wedding party.

The popular notion has always been that, politics aside, the forty-third president is a mentsch, and a very genuine and down to earth fellow. Liat and I found that to be very true indeed. Yet, without going too grandiose here, I could not help reflecting on a deeper aspect of this brief personal experience.

Many years ago, the first President of our republic, George Washington, proclaimed a notion that was entirely new and unpracticed in the world of that time: equality and freedom regardless of one’s religious faith. He wrote to the Jews of Newport, Rhode Island, that “happily the Government of the United States, which gives to bigotry no sanction, to persecution no assistance, requires only that they who live under its protection, should demean themselves as good citizens.” He added still, at a time when my ancestors in Eastern Europe could only dream of freedom, “May the Children of the Stock of Abraham, who dwell in this land, continue to merit and enjoy the good will of the other Inhabitants; while every one shall sit under his own vine and fig tree, and there shall be none to make him afraid.”

No one knew how long this new idea of freedom and equality would survive. Many scholars contend that the Founding Fathers probably would be surprised that we still live under the same Constitution, much less one amended to provide freedom to more and more people. Over these same years the Jewish people have seen their share of friendly regimes turn against them, with succession and the turning over of governments frequently not boding well for them. I dare say very few of those Newport Jews would have imagined the ideas of President Washington not only surviving, but two successors of that famous letter writer attending a wedding, where Jewish blessings were chanted, after which one of those successors would leisurely chat with the chanting rabbi and his wife. Yet here we were all the same.

© Copyright 2010 – Rabbi David S. Gruber – All Rights Reserved - This article originally appeared on www.InterfaithFamily.com.

A Little Stream of Consciousness

In this blog post, I wanted to write some random thoughts related to a unique experience I had at a wedding I officiated just about a year ago in Charleston, South Carolina. This is probably going to be stream of consciousness more than an essay. Here is how I opened the ceremony:

I travel all over the country to officiate at weddings, and I am many times called upon to officiate at weddings where the only ones who really know me are the bride and the groom. Therefore, I almost always open the wedding ceremony with these words, “Welcome family and friends, my name is Rabbi David S. Gruber, and I know I speak for all of you when I say how honored I feel to be here today.”

Those words have added meaning here for me today, as this wedding is personally special to me. About 40 years ago in this Great State of South Carolina, Rabbi David S. Gruber married Jeremy’s parents. Now, as I am only about 36 years old, that Rabbi Gruber was, of course, my grandfather, a great man, who I unfortunately never knew, and who at that point was at the sunset of his life. How extraordinary and deeply meaningful that we should all be here today 40 years later. I stand here therefore with a profound sense of humility, and I feel truly honored and blessed to be here.

Every wedding is special, but this ceremony had extra personal meaning for me. Prior to this wedding, the only things I knew about my grandfather, who was one of the most prominent public figures of his time in Columbia, South Carolina, were stories my father told me, and what I read about him in a book written about his congregation. Even my late mother and her parents, who died in the 1990s never got to know him that well, as he died about twelve hours after their wedding. I had certainly never met a congregant of his. At this wedding, I met not only Jeremy’s parents, who were married by him, with Jeremy’s dad having also been bar mitzvahed by him; I also met a number of their relatives, who still live in Columbia. To them Rabbi Gruber had not been someone in a book. To him he was their longest serving leader, whom they remembered many years later. Many of them told me stories about him, and it was very clear that they remembered him quite fondly so many years after his death in 1970.

My grandfather, who arrived in the U.S. at the age of two, grew up in an Orthodox home. I never remember as a child or even as an adult really understanding what had caused him to become a Reform rabbi, specifically. Maybe, growing up Orthodox, I just did not ask? Anyway, around the time I was contacted by Jeremy’s parents to officiate this wedding, I did ask my uncle, why it was that his father left Orthodoxy. He said that it was due to the fact, that he could not reconcile his understanding of science and history, with the traditional Orthodox interpretation of Judaism. I was greatly heartened by this, since, as I have explained elsewhere, it is this issue with its multiple facets, that caused me to rethink my lifestyle and beliefs, albeit later in life than my grandfather did. Also, my grandfather was known for his, you guessed it, tireless work on interfaith relations. I now feel somewhat closer to this figure whose name I bear, and who looks at me from old photographs.

Of course, I am always conscious of what I was told during a very strange phone call in 1990. I had just finished high school in Israel, and decided to visit the United States, and do a little touring and visiting with relatives before beginning my military service in the Israel Defense Force. One relative I was going to visit was one of my dad’s cousins. My grandfather was the youngest child in his family, and so all of my dad’s cousins are 10-20 years older than he is. I called my dad’s cousin from my maternal grandparents’ apartment in Queens, and once she picked up the phone, I said, “Hi, this is David Gruber speaking.” There was this silence on the other end of the line, and I had to repeat myself once or twice before she answered. Later during the discussion I asked her about this, and she explained that her uncle, my grandfather, used to stay at her parents house sometimes, and when I introduced myself on the phone she was puzzled, because she knew he was already dead for 20 years, and “after all” she added wistfully, “there was only one David Gruber…”

The Most Incompatible Compatible Couple

This last weekend, I officiated two weddings, which were both interfaith and intercultural. Friday night, Andrea, an Ecuadorian Catholic married Adam, a Jew from Las Vegas, in her hometown of Guyaquil. Sunday afternoon, Nse (pronounced as if there is an extra e in front of the n), a devout Christian nurse born in the US to Nigerian parents, who grew up in Nigeria, married Hadar, a secular Jew, and one of the most prominent physicians in Israel. (The first time I spoke to Hadar, we spoke in Hebrew, but he used the English title phrase of this blog entry to describe them as a couple.)

Both weddings were very special. The second one had one of the most fascinating audiences one could ever see in one place, with couples in traditional African garb seated beside young Israeli girls in summer dresses. I officiated the ceremony, and was joined at the end of it by Nse’s pastor, Reverend Dr. Gabriel Nwumba, who gave a rousing sermon punctuated with lively Amens from the audience, and then together we blessed the couple with the Priestly Blessing. Perhaps one of the most poignant moments was when Nse’s unassuming nine year old daughter read the words of Ruth to Naomi, “Wherever you go, I will go; wherever you dwell, I will dwell, your people will be my people, and your God will be my God…” Hadar and many others were visibly moved to tears.

Here are the words I shared with everyone:

The more I thought about Nse and Hadar, the more I understood that this couple is really teaching us a double lesson. First of all, they teach us a sorely needed lesson in today’s broken world, and that is, that we need not let differences of background, race or religion stand between us, and prevent us from loving each and every human being. After all, these two individuals come from different countries, races and faiths, and yet they have such a strong and powerful bond of love between them. The thing is that that observation caused me, as is typical amongst us rabbis, to ask another question! With all the differences between them, how do they do it? What is their secret?

It became very clear to me that this couple had realized what few couples fully realize, and that is that every marriage is an intermarriage. Regardless of who we fall in love with, regardless of who we marry, we are marrying someone who has had a different set of experiences and has a different personality. Therefore, you cannot put your love and your marriage on “auto-pilot”. In order to forge love into a successful marriage, you must engage in open conversation and communication, carefully and deeply consider your differences, and commit to a loving relationship that will overcome these differences. This is Nse and Hadar’s secret. This is how they do it!

It is also very clear that Nse and Hadar have a deep appreciation for the fact that marriage is not a one shot deal, rather this it is just the beginning of a journey of mutual understanding and compromise. In fact, to symbolize this, some ministers will ask married couples in the congregation to hold hands while listening to the vows of the bride and groom, and silently recommit themselves to each other, at that time.

Thank you, Nse and Hadar, for setting an example for the rest of us in showing that in all of our human relationships, we can and should love our fellow human being, regardless of our differences. Thank you also for teaching us that every relationship is a work in progress, and that we need to commit every day to bettering our interpersonal relationships with all, and most specifically with our mates and lovers. Hold on to that. Wake up every morning with the resolve to cherish each other and the wonderful life you have built and continue to build together every day, and I have no doubt, your bond will remain unbreakable.

Two of My Favorite Doctors – Jenny and Jon

Here are the words I shared recently at Jenny and Jon’s wonderful wedding in New Orleans.

When I sat down to write my remarks, I couldn’t help but reflect on the circumstances of Jenny and Jon meeting, how their relationship started and how their love flourished from there. You see, I try to meet with each couple I work with about three or four times before their wedding, so I can really get to know them. I always start my first discussion with a couple with a rather basic question, “Tell me about yourselves, and how you met?” Well, this may surprise you, but none of the other 65 couples I have had such meetings with in the last two years, began their answer to the second part of that question with the words, “We met over a bone box…”

Now, beyond the humor, when you talk to Jenny and Jon, you understand that there is a rather deep and serious side to this. Though Jenny and Jon come from different backgrounds, and have had different life stories, they seem to have more in common in terms of their basic beliefs regarding how one should live one’s life, than many other couples out there. This is particularly exemplified by their career choices, and the rationale for these choices. It is clear that they chose medicine, not just because they thought that they had the aptitude and inclination for it, but first and foremost, due to the fact that they really wanted to help people. On top of that, they not only chose the healing profession, rather with some disregard to their own bottom line, they opted for the front line of medicine, to work in family medicine and physical medicine and rehabilitation. In an era, where many of us are faced with a medical world that can be cold, scary and full of technical mumbo jumbo, they have chosen to be the ones, who with a reassuring tone in their voices, will hold our hands, help us make sense of it all, and make some of the pain and fear go away.

I have not known Jenny and Jon for that long, but it seems to me that it is this very sense of caring, compassion and love for others that drew them to each other at first, and cemented the foundation for a true love story. On this foundation they built a genuine relationship of understanding, communication and trust. In this each one has found that soul mate, with whom one can talk for hours, and with whom one can just sit in silence, not saying a word, and still enjoy a tremendous sense of tranquility and peace. It is this relationship that we celebrate today, and really just make official something that is already there, so deeply rooted in the life of the couple.

Jenny and Jon, thank you for reminding me and us of what our priorities can and should be. Thank you for instilling in what we are doing here today true and deep meaning. Hold on to that. Wake up every morning, look into each other’s eyes with the resolve to continue to cherish that happiness, friendship and love you have found with each other, and that sense of caring, empathy and compassion you have for others, and I have no doubt, your bond will remain unbreakable.

Wise Student - Introduction

I always begin the personal remarks portion of my wedding ceremonies with the following paragraph:

Friends, one of the most fascinating things about the Jewish tradition is that a Jewish scholar, be he, or for that matter she, the greatest scholar of his or her generation, is referred to as a talmid chacham, literally a wise student. That is because Judaism values the idea of life long learning. Whenever I officiate a wedding, I ask myself, this couple, being unique individuals, what can I learn from them, what are they, consciously or unconsciously, teaching me, and indeed us?

My daughter, who is fifteen and a half years old, has a phrase she uses, whenever dad gets kind of mushy. She will stop what she is doing, and dramatically announce, “Corny alert!” I am sure she would react the same way to the above paragraph, but let’s face it, if there is anywhere you can and should be a little mushy and corny, it should be at a wedding…

Beyond the “corny” aspect of the above, I do mean what I say. There is, after all, one approach amongst men and women of the cloth, that holds that we should impart to the masses wisdom from on high. I can think of specific such clergy, who one can tell, think they have much to teach, but not much to learn from their fellow human beings. I have always begged to differ. The main theme that ran through the graduate school program in educational leadership that I attended was what is referred to in flowery language as a “learner centered approach”. This is an academic and fancy way of stating the obvious, its not about you the teacher, its about the learner, and if you follow that approach, watch out, you may learn something too! This is probably what the Talmudic sage, Chanina ben Hama, was referring to when he said, "I have learned much from my teachers, from my colleagues even more, but from my students I have learned the most." (Talmud Bavli Tractate Ta'anit 7a)

This approach demands a degree of true humility, which can be a challenge at times for people, who are referred to at times as “(wo)men of God”. (I add the word “true”, mindful of what Golda Meir allegedly said to Moshe Dayan once, “Don’t act so humble; you’re not that great…”) It is worth it though, as I believe that one’s life can become so much richer, if one treats every interaction with others as a potential “teachable moment”. Conversely, I always feel a little sorry for people, who due to the fact they think they have all the answers, go through life, and miss out on valuable lessons they could be learning from others of all walks of life.

The main reason I got into this “trade” of the rabbinate and education is because I love people, interacting with them, building relationships, and learning together. This is why when I officiate a wedding, I spend time to get to know the couple, build a relationship with them, and together build the ceremony around them, rather than shoehorn them into some preconceived idea of a ceremony I already have. The wedding, after all, is not about me, it is about them. Indeed, beyond life lessons, some of the best ideas for things to include in ceremonies come from my couples! Therefore, it only makes sense to share with the audience what I have learned from these unique individuals.

In this blog, which I intend (fingers crossed!) to update every two weeks, I intend to share with you, a slightly larger audience, some of the lessons I have picked up along the way, from the wonderful couples I have been and am fortunate to work with. In that spirit, let the learning begin!