Wise Student - Interfaith Wedding Rabbi's Blog

A Bahai-Jewish Wedding in Mexico

2012-01-22T08:14:00.000-06:00

Saturday evening I officiated Shana and Arash's Bahai-Jewish wedding at Villa Amor in beautiful Sayulita, Mexico. Since Shana and Arash are both of Persian descent, I blessed them with the Priestly Blessing in Farsi, which was a first for me. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

Almost every religion has one version or another of the Golden Rule, “Do unto others, as you would want done to you.” What we sometimes forget is that often that rule has been understood and is unfortunately by many people still understood to kind of have a little asterisk next to it. The asterisk says, “Do unto others, as you would want done to you, except for fill in the blank,” or “Do unto other, as you would want done to you, but only if they are part of our group/tribe/religion etc.” In this sense the Bahai faith is instructive. An important Bahai scripture addresses this very issue:

Should a person of whatever faith or nation, of whatever color, appearance, character or condition, be disposed to associate with you, ye should show forth kindness and treat him as a brother… (This) hath ever been and will continue to be true. It is not permissible to contend with anyone, nor is it acceptable… to ill-treat or oppress any soul. The fundamental purpose animating the faith… is to safeguard the interests and promote the unity of the human race, and to foster the spirit of love and fellowship amongst men. Suffer it not to become a source of dissension and discord, of hate and enmity.

The task of all people in the modern era is indeed to understand that there is no room for exclusions, no place for ifs, buts or maybes in the realm of the Golden Rule. Through such a universal practice of the Golden Rule, and only when practiced in such a way, do we ourselves become better people.

This is how Shana and Arash have personally lived their lives. They have never let anything stand in the way of their practice of the Golden Rule. They did not let the fact that they come from different faiths stand between them. Through their relationship, they have each indeed become better people. Through their relationship, and their acceptance of each other’s differences, they have, in fact, become more connected to their respective heritages.

Shana and Arash, may we all learn from your example. May we all consistently, and without hesitation practice the Golden Rule in the way you do. May the day that all religions hope for, arrive in your lifetimes, when through such practice, the world be at peace.

John Lennon Had It Right

2012-01-15T20:40:00.000-06:00

Sunday night I officiated my first wedding this year (125th overall!) right "next door" in McKinney, Texas. Here are the words I shared with this lovely couple, Rena and Jeff, and their guests:

When I was talking to Rena and Jeff about their thoughts, their experiences and their dreams as individuals and as a couple, it made me think about a little anecdote told by John Lennon: "When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life."

That short little story says so much. So many of us forget that what is most important are not the possessions we have, the titles we boast, or the trappings and accoutrements we hold. As Rena and Jeff tell us in words and action, these things really cannot give your life meaning. Only true happiness can.

How does one achieve such true happiness? Well, as a much older Lennon once sang, "All you need is love;" true happiness lies in loving and being loved. In Rena's words, "My love has grown for Jeff more than I thought was possible, and it continues to blossom. I can tell he genuinely loves me for who I am... He makes me laugh and find joy in mundane activities... I giggle to myself sometimes because I think about how content and giddy he makes me feel."

When we find this type of mutual love, it helps us not only in reaching happiness, but in wanting to spread love and happiness. Indeed, Jeff writes about Rena, that she has an affinity for spreading love, and about the affect her love for him and for others has had on him. "She is the most giving person that I know, spending her time giving back. Giving... makes her happiest and she is so warm and sweet to everyone. She makes me want to be a better person and give of myself to others like she does."

Rena and Jeff, as you well know, life will have its challenges. Marriage will throw you a few curve balls here and there. Much like a car, our very existence needs some realignment from time to time. Still, keep mutual love, love for others, your own happiness and the happiness of others central to who you are and what you do. If you do that, I have no doubt that your bond will not only be unbreakable, but even strengthen with time.

Making Your Dreams Come True

2011-12-26T16:40:00.000-06:00

We started this year with a wedding on New Year's, and fittingly ended it on Christmas Day. This was the first interfaith wedding I officiated, where all food was catered strictly kosher. It was held at Selina's parents' home in Colleyville, Texas. Selina’s family members are Isma’ilis. While it is impossible to truly reduce a religious tradition to a few words, the Isma’ilis emphasize social justice, pluralism, and human reason within the framework of the mystical tradition of Islam. Elliot's family are Orthodox Jews (hence the kosher meal). The beautiful ceremony, preceded by the lighting of Chanukah candles, wove together elements from both their traditions. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

How do you make your dreams come true? Is that not what this day is all about? I believe that this successful young couple may provide some insight into how we can make our dreams come true with three aspects of their story.

Selina and Elliot both grew up in families that treasure learning. It is not surprising therefore that they are first and foremost passionate learners. Learning new things is something that they each relish. They each, in fact, talk about how much they have learned from each other, and how this learning has bettered them as individuals and as a couple. It is this willingness, nay hunger to learn that has made them so successful, that has allowed them to thrive, and that has enabled them to fulfill their dreams.

Now learning is not enough. It is, after all, in a sense, just a tool. One must be passionate about the truth, as learning's guide, its lighthouse, if you will, for learning to truly matter. The truth is not always convenient, nor is it always pretty. That said, dreams cannot come true, if one avoids it. Selina and Elliot constantly strive for truth, and do not flinch from it, wherever it may lead them.

There is however one more critical component, empathy, which Selina and Elliot have in spades. You can scarcely imagine two more empathetic individuals. They truly put themselves into others’ shoes. They truly ask what others’ needs are before theirs’. This is why they have done a triathlon for charity. This is why Selina encouraged Elliot to pursue coaching kids. This is why this is such a giving couple. They understand that fulfilling one's dreams lies more in the thou, than in the I; more in thinking about others, than in thinking about ourselves.

Selina and Elliot, thank you for this important lesson. May we all heed your example, and may your dreams and ours all come true.

The Rabbi and the Elephant: How I Officiated a Cosmopolitan Interfaith Wedding in Thailand

2011-12-15T17:17:00.000-06:00

With guests from Australia, France, Germany, Italy, Russia, Thailand and the U.S. present, Nad and Alex's wedding was easily one of the most cosmopolitan I had ever officiated. With a fairly traditional inclusive Jewish ceremony, bookended by Thai customs, it was definitely one of the most intercultural. Throw in the fact that I was upstaged by an elephant, and you have the backdrop for a great story!

While one might think that the coupling of a Russian Jew and a Thai Buddhist might be a challenge, this bride and groom showed that it need not be so. This may just be because the bride, Nad (short for Nadusa), and the groom, Alex, who live in Australia, are true citizens of the world. Nad was born in Thailand, but grew up mainly in Australia and Europe, due to her father's work for Royal Thai Airways. She was schooled in an international school in Paris, and is fluent in (standard American accented) English, French, German and Thai. Alex was born in Russia, and he grew up there and (from age 15) in the U.S. He trained as a radiologist at Harvard, and practices a specific type of medicine that embodies the global village we live in. If you ever have an x-ray done in the middle of the night, you may wonder where on earth they find a radiologist to read it. Well, on the bottom part of the earth, that is where! It may, in fact, be Alex, a "nighthawk" radiologist, who by virtue of being in a very different time zone, will, during what is day for him, get a report back to your stateside doctor. Nad also (naturally) works for an international corporation.

The couple reflects a cosmopolitan life not only in their upbringing, their professional lives and their personal day to day lives, but also in their philosophy of living. They are both very proud of their cultural heritages, but in terms of actual religious beliefs are much more humanistic in their leanings. They wanted their ceremony to reflect this, and their idea of how it would was to have a fairly traditional, while inclusive, Jewish ceremony, with Thai customs before and after it. For the location, they chose Koh Samui, a small picturesque island in the southern part of Thailand.

Their exciting beachside ceremony began with the sound of the beating of a gong and drums and men we could not yet see, shouting in Thai, "Here we come, we are here," as they drew closer. The first thing we then saw was four ornately and traditionally dressed young Thai women, swaying slowly as they processed. We then saw the men we had heard before, followed by the "guest of honor" - a baby elephant! The elephant was decorated with ornate jewelry and was dancing too. They brought in the groom, and sat him next to the bride. One of the men then set up a xylophone, and the four women danced to its music an elaborate synchronized dance in front of the bride and groom. They ended by spreading before them a bed of rose petals in perfect synchronization.

I then officiated the Jewish portion of the ceremony under a lovely chuppah (Jewish wedding canopy) on the beach. They exchanged heartfelt vows and rings, and shared a cup of wine. They signed an attractive ketubah (ceremonial Jewish marriage contract) written in Hebrew, English and Thai. (Nad's mom, a professional translator, helped with the translation.) I then blessed them with the Priestly Blessing, which is the most ancient copy of scripture archeologists have found in Israel. I explained how our forefathers, those who gave us the Torah, imagined my mythic ancestor, the first high priest, Aaron, brother of Moses, blessing the Children of Israel with these very words. I love reciting this blessing in a third language (aside from Hebrew and English) when appropriate. In fact, I have blessed couples in Spanish (I do live in Tejas, after all), French, Arabic and Bulgarian. This time I used four languages, as I blessed Nad and Alex with the words of my great ancestor and theirs in Hebrew, English, Russian and Thai.

After the Jewish portion of the ceremony, we observed more Thai customs. We all got to feed the baby elephant. This "baby" ate whole clusters of bananas and watermelon quarters. The elephant also danced some more while playing the harmonica. (Seriously.) In Thai culture the elephant is the symbol of the king, and therefore in a broader sense is used to symbolize the nation and its happiness. Nad and Alex then planted a small "love tree" together, and raised a "marriage flag" on a tall staff. The final Thai custom was most interesting. Guests were invited to light small paper-covered lanterns. Once lit, by the virtue of the hot air inside, these rose far into the air, till they looked like far away stars. Each guest was encouraged to make a wish upon these stars for the good fortune of the bride and groom.

During my personal remarks, I talked about what a wonderful lesson the bride and groom taught us, in bringing us all together on that magical island. They showed us that people from different countries, cultures and religions can come together, enjoy each other's company and cultures, and make this seem effortless. Hopefully, I said, the whole world will learn Nad and Alex's lesson too. And, if they need an elephant to help make this happen, consider it done...

The Number One Job of Every Faith Community

2011-11-27T11:21:00.001-06:00

When someone asks me to officiate their wedding, I first ask the person to tell me about him or herself, and his or her partner. Second, I ask the person to tell me about their vision for their wedding. Third, I ask why it is important to them that a rabbi officiate their wedding. I get many different answers to this last question. Many times the Jewish partner will tell me that there is no way it could be different for them; it just feels natural. This was the answer that Renee gave me, right after she told me that technically she was not really Jewish since she never converted! She definitely piqued my curiosity. I had to hear more!

Last week I officiated Renee and Brian’s wedding at a very special location, the Jewish wing of the historic Main Post Chapel at Fort Sam Houston in San Antonio, Texas. This building was dedicated in 1909 by then President Howard Taft. It has plaques commemorating chaplains, officers, and servicemen and women of the recent and not so recent past. You really feel a sense of the past of our armed forces in the building. Renee and Brian, veteran and current service member respectively, felt just right in this hallowed building, as they are a very special couple. Here are the words I shared with them and their guests:

Once you hear Renee’s story in detail and Renee and Brian’s story together, it all makes sense, and has a deeper lesson imbedded in it too. Renee was attracted to the Jewish scene in her youth, and felt very comfortable and supported there. She felt so welcome, that when she joined the army she put down her religion as Jewish. Once again, she felt welcome and supported by fellow Jewish soldiers. Unfortunately, she suffered an injury early on, and had to do a fitness test to move to a different unit. She was very fearful that she would fail the test, or even reinjure herself. Then the Jewish chaplain showed up unannounced, took the test with her, and cheered her on the whole way, till she passed. Obviously, this event made its mark on Renee, and deepened her sense of connection to the Jewish People. This is what brought Renee and Brian to attending their local synagogue today together. They both feel very much at home there. So, of course, it was going to be a rabbi, who would marry them!

In their story Renee and Brian highlight an aspect that is tremendously important for every faith community. Before we think about theology, before we talk about religious practice, before we even mention worship, we must bring comfort. Our most important function as faith communities is to make people comfortable, to bring comfort, to support others. The cool thing about Renee and Brian, is that this is the way they both live their lives. You may not hear them say it, because these are two very modest people. However, if we were able to talk to that chaplain, who ran with her, and her fellow Jewish soldiers, you just know that they would say that Renee is one of the most supportive people they knew. If you would ask Brian’s airmen, and for that matter, if you could ask his canine colleagues over the last 15 years, you just know they would say that this is a guy, who just puts people and animals at ease, and makes them feel comfortable. This is a guy, who will have your back.

Renee and Brian, we are blessed as a community to have you as part of it. We encourage you, as individuals and as a couple to continue growing, to continue setting a great example, and to continue to provide aid, comfort and support to each other and to those around you.

Lauren and Martin - Lovers, Best Friends and Creative Partners

2011-11-16T15:58:00.001-06:00

The second wedding I officiated this last Saturday was the wedding of Lauren and Martin. These are two of the most creative people I have ever met. Lauren is a filmmaker and Martin is a writer. They have had to live in two different states for the last few months due to Lauren’s acceptance into a prestigious filming program, while Martin finishes up his exclusive MFA program, hundreds of miles away. On a personal note, when I was thinking about not only their love, but also their creative partnership, I was reminded of my parents’ creative partnership. I can actually tell which parts of the introduction to my dad’s magnum opus were written before my mom’s death, and which after, because that partnership was so pronounced. Likewise, Liat’s touch can be seen in my writing too. So, what I saw in Lauren and Martin was something warmly familiar. Here is what I shared with them and their guests:

What struck me about Lauren and Martin is that these are two people, who in their lives as individuals and as a couple, were not afraid to take that road less traveled. They have repeatedly shown that if you take the time to figure out what you really want to do, and then you relentlessly pursue that passion, you can live a dream that is truly your own. When you live your life like this, when you follow your dreams, it takes the edge off of difficulties, and it makes each success sweeter. Not only that, it makes it clear that true meaning, that true happiness can be found when your dream is not only wrapped in the destination you seek, but in the journey you travel.

Now, many couples share love and happiness, while their professional lives may not be an integral part of their shared journey. And that is OK. There is nothing wrong with that. Lauren and Martin, however, have a different and additional dimension to their relationship, one that makes it run deeper, one that causes their lives to be more deeply intertwined, even when a few hundred miles separate them like in the last few months. Their journey is one of mutually influenced creativity. Lauren’s filmmaking is better because Martin is in her life, and Martin’s writing is richer because Lauren is in his life. Many future spouses may describe their future mates as their lovers and best friends, as Lauren and Martin do, when speaking of each other. Lauren and Martin add something that only a few future spouses mention. They talk about how they serve for each other as muses, as inspirations, as creative supporters, nay, creative partners.

So, Lauren and Martin, thank you. Thank you for reminding showing us how deep a relationship can run. Thank you for setting a great example in your personal and professional lives. Now, look into each other’s eyes. As the years go by, take a moment here and there to do what you are doing right now, to look into each other’s eyes, and realize your fortune, that you have made your dreams a reality, that you have found and continue to have by your side, your best friend, your lover, your creative partner.

Lori and Matt – They Didn’t Just Go With the Flow

2011-11-14T09:46:00.001-06:00

This last Saturday I officiated two weddings in Austin, Texas. The first was Lori and Matt’s. Lori and Matt are really special people. Lori is an attorney, who works for a non-profit, and Matt grew up to actually work in one of those fields all little boys dream about working in, firefighting! They both have a rather humanistic bent, which is what I tried to bring out in my personal remarks:

One thing that struck me from my very first discussion with Lori and Matt is that really the phrase “interfaith couple” did not fit the bill with regards to this couple. “Intercultural couple” may be a more apt term. Indeed, each of them sees their religious heritage more in the context of culture than religious belief and practice. You see - Lori and Matt come from different backgrounds, and have had different life stories; however they have more in common in terms of faith and belief, than many other couples out there.

This is not due to coincidence. This is due to the fact that these two did not just go with the flow. They chose to really think about these issues of faith and belief. They continue to choose as individuals and as a couple to carefully examine their lives spiritually, figure out who they are, and what they want out of life. Most importantly they recognize that need to continue to grow together in this sense, and to focus on the joy, happiness and meaning that such growth can bring to a couple’s life.

Lori and Matt, thank you for reminding us of the importance of truly figuring out one’s spiritual path. May you continue to learn and develop separately and together, and through this may your happiness increase and your bond strengthen.

Natalya and Bret – Let’s Be Explicit Here

2011-11-10T09:12:00.000-06:00

One of the great things about living in Texas, and I have personally lived on three continents, is that people are really really nice. Criticism is rarely heard, people tend to have a smile on their face, and cashiers still address you (or me) as “Hon(ey)”. Of course, the flip side of that is that understatement is king, even when it should not be. So, you will hear, “Oh, Jimmy (question mark, voice going up), his heart is in the right place,” which really means he is hard to get along with. Other times you will hear, “Oh, Mike (question mark, voice going up), he is a really hard worker,” which means he is not the greatest family man. You might even hear, “Oh, Susie, she comes from a great family,” which means that she, the apple, has unfortunately fallen a little far from the tree.

Now, you may be asking yourselves at this point, well, so what, and what does this have to do with what we can learn from Natalya and Bret. Well, I am glad you asked. You see, the downside of softened criticism is that when you have individuals who really have their hearts in the right place, who really treat their families and friends exquisitely well, and who really make their families and friends proud just to be associated with them, your praise of them might sound faint. You see, I believe anyone who interacts with Natalya and Bret, comes away thinking, “Wow, these are good people, these are two individuals who I can count on, these are people who show how a loving couple should behave to each other, this is a couple, who I can point to my kids as a positive example to my kids.”

Let us, therefore, not be shy. Let us point out to others, what a great, compassionate, humble and kind couple Natalya and Bret are. Let us learn to continue practicing what might be called Texas nice, but let us not forget that that means we need to be more explicit in our praise, if we and our families are to look up to positive examples of behavior like the loving couple we celebrate with today.

Kristin and Brian – Their Differences Strengthen Them

2011-11-09T10:44:00.000-06:00

I wanted to point out two facts about Kristin and Brian, that when juxtaposed, remind us of something fundamental and important. Anyone who knows Kristin will tell you how devout she is, how her faith in Jesus permeates her daily life. Anyone who knows Brian will tell you how growing up with few Jews around him strengthened his commitment to the Jewish People, and made Judaism central to his identity.

Now listen to what each says about the other. Brian says, “I love her passion for what she does and that no matter how bad of a day we might be having, all we need is to hear each other’s voice and we begin to feel better. Kristin makes me laugh all the time and has many of the same priorities that I do. We both are very family oriented. We both enjoy just having a nice quiet relaxing evening together… We both love to travel and experience new things in new cities… I am so excited to have Kristin be a part of my family and have me be a part of hers.” Kristin says, “Brian is… is my best friend. When I look at him, I see someone that I am excited about spending the rest of my life with. Even when we are just hanging out at my apartment watching television I am excited to be with him. I also see the man that I want to be the father of my children. I am ready to marry Brian now because I am excited to take our relationship to yet another level and grow together as husband and wife.”

Kristin and Brian remind us of something that should be obvious, simple, almost simplistic, yet so missing today. We can agree to disagree. We each can have strong beliefs that we are passionate about, and still share love and happiness together. More than that, as Kristin and Brian will each tell you, our differences can actually strengthen our bond, our spirituality, and our individual faiths. So, I feel we owe you, Kristin and Brian, a debt of gratitude for reminding us of this important idea. Let us all heed your message and follow your example in our private and public lives, and through that make this world a better place.

Iris and Ben – Even a Hurricane Couldn’t Dampen Their Celebration

2011-11-04T15:32:00.000-05:00

This last weekend I co-officiated Iris and Ben’s wedding at the beautiful Moon Palace Resort in Cancun, Mexico with Father Benito Aguilar. Hurricane Rina endeavored to disrupt the celebrations, but she didn’t stand a chance. BTW, this is one of the smartest couples I have ever met. Iris has an MBA from Harvard, and Ben has an MBA from MIT. They are not only intelligent, but really fun too. Here are the words I shared with them and their guests:

Iris and Ben share a very deep bond of love with each other. At the same time they are two very different people. They come from different backgrounds, cultures and faiths. Not only that their basic demeanor is strikingly different. Iris says that people often tell her that she is the happiest person they have ever met, while Ben could have written the old telegram once set by a Jewish mother in a hurry, “Start worrying now, details to follow…” So, how do they make it work? What is the secret of their deep abiding love?

Well, first, the premise of the question, though natural for us as human beings to ask, is slightly mistaken. If we are to imagine that there is someone out there that would be perfect just for us, why on earth would that person be like us? After all, each of us has strengths and weaknesses, and if anything, that person, who is best for us, ideally should help us, as we help them, become mutually complete. In that sense, that person would almost have to be very different.

There are, however, two important components that need to be there for all these moving parts to work – communication and planning. This is where, I believe, Iris and Ben excel and teach us a valuable lesson. Though they may sometimes disagree regarding who has the better approach, Harvard or MIT, these two know a thing or two about solving problems and managing projects. As such, they took time, constantly and openly communicating, as they developed their relationship, to deeply think about how to make it successful, and accordingly to carefully plan their future together.

Iris and Ben, as you embark on this new phase in your life, continue to embrace your differences, revel in how you complement each other, and keep excelling at lovingly communicating. Through this, may you find complete and ongoing happiness.

Believe in the Magic

2011-10-24T13:07:00.000-05:00

Jessica and Joel’s wedding ceremony was very intimate. It was just them, Joel’s brother and his sister in law. It was magical! Indeed, magic is what I talked about at their ceremony:

Jessica and Joel, you share a magic that one does not see often enough. You both describe the moment you met, where you shared something that in the cognitive realm cannot be easily explained. There was a meeting of the minds. There was something in the air, that cannot be easily explained.

Though deep love at first sight may be an invention of Hollywood – after all, to love is to know, and one needs to get to know someone to truly love them – we should never discount the magic of the moment. You had that moment, and where others might just discount it, and move on, you did not let that moment become forgotten, either of you.

You continued to develop your connection, what was at first just a business relationship and a mutual appreciation. Then you took the plunge, and followed your hearts to embrace where the magic of that first moment would take you. Happily, it took you here to stand before us today.

So, from you Jessica and Joel, we learn the importance of believing in that magic in this human existence. You show us to not just in believe in it, but to follow it to where it may and can take us. Continue to travel that path, follow your hearts, live magically, and may your love continue to grow, as you follow your dreams.

Self Reflection is Key

2011-10-24T12:57:00.000-05:00

Mesina and Mark are one cool couple. They are each tremendously successful and really smart. See them together, and you can see how love is in the air. Here is what I shared with them at their wedding about a week ago:

I remember years ago in a class given by one of my best rabbis and teachers, a truck started backing up in the parking lot behind our classroom. It made that chiming noise to warn anyone standing behind it. The rabbi stopped mid-sentence, and said, “Wow, if only we had that function as human beings – that when we started sliding backwards a chime would ring – our lives would be so much easier!” When driving myself, I often think in similar terms about my GPS. If only we had something automatically chime in to tell us when we have strayed from our way, and might just want to start “recalculating”. In human terms this is, of course, what we call, “self reflection”.

In Mesina and Mark you see this very essential quality that though obvious, many people do not practice enough – a highly refined ability to self reflect. This is something that really stands out in both of them. This is how they have lived their lives, dealt with challenges, and found impressive success. They have practiced self reflection in regards to their spirituality, their professional lives and their personal lives. This act in each of these areas has made them better in what they do, with highly developed capacities in their professional lives. More importantly, in my opinion, it has made them better persons, more compassionate individuals than the average person, and better friends to each other and to others.

We, therefore, owe Mesina and Mark a debt of gratitude. Thank you for reminding all of us, in the midst of the Jewish days of judgment to constantly practice self reflection, to regularly take stock of who we are and where we are going, and through that to be better people.

Learning from Each Other and Growing Together

2011-10-24T12:37:00.000-05:00

Graduation ceremonies are often called commencements to symbolize that they herald a beginning, and that learning is something that must continue. Gila and Alan, who I married this last weekend, know how true this is regarding their relationship too. Here are he words I shared with them:

Gila and Alan inspire me in what they have created together. They are humble, honest and hardworking individuals, each in their own right. Had you met each of them before they knew each other, like many of you did, you would be able to say, without a doubt, “Now that is someone I can count on; that is someone who can get the job done.” In fact, that is how they met, at the workplace, with Alan, whose job it is to help us mere mortals navigate the mysteries of technology, helping Gila out with a problem she was dealing with.

What inspires me about this couple is that each will tell you how much they have grown through their relationship, how much each of them has learned from the other, how they each have allowed their relationship to make them better than they were before. Interact with them with for just a short while, and you will see that these are not just words. You can see this with your own eyes. In our individualistic culture, this is no small feat. Such obviously sensible behavior, coming from the recognition that we always have more to learn, can sometimes seem counterintuitive. This is why the way Gila and Alan built their relationship and continue to allow themselves to grow in it is even more admirable, as it necessitates a degree of swimming against the tide.

Gila and Alan, what we wish for you is that you continue to grow together, that you continue to learn from each other. Through such ongoing and careful development, your bond will not only be unbreakable, but grow stronger with each and every passing day.

She Takes Him Out of His Comfort Zone…

2011-09-19T21:19:00.001-05:00

This last Saturday I co-officiated Brooke and Casey’s wedding in Durango, Colorado, with Pastor Dave Robinson, who I am proud now to count as a good friend. This is a very impressive couple. Brooke is a successful attorney, and Casey is a graduate of the Air Force Academy, who served our country for five years in the military. (Many at the wedding had attended military colleges, including the best man, who delivered his speech via recorded video address from Kirgizstan!) Pastor Dave is an old friend of the family, and an impressive humanitarian, who travels the world helping those in need. Here are the personal words I shared with Brooke and Casey and their guests:

Someone once asked me, "Rabbi, why do you frequently, answer a question with a question?" I thought about it for a moment, and I said, "Well, why not?"

Seriously, though, people often think that religions exist to answer their questions. Some even think that their religion gives them all the answers. They forget that the words attributed to the founders of most of today's religions show that they, challenging the status quo, had way more questions than answers. It was the only way they thought people could grow – if they constantly questioned themselves.

This is an attribute that Brooke and Casey share, and can teach us all. Brooke openly talks about her spiritual journey that is replete with questioning. She talks about how through a journey of questioning and exploration she and Casey have mutually grown together. Casey, in turn, gives Brooke the greatest compliment a man (we are a little more set in our ways than women are) can give to a mate, "She takes me out of my comfort zone... She makes me a better partner." He too discusses how they have learned so much from each other.

Brooke and Casey, we hope that you continue down this very path. Some might tell you that the most important words in marriage are, "Yes, dear." I actually think that the sentence needs to be more cerebral and a little longer. (I am a clergyman, after all...) It should be, "That's a great question! Why don't we try it that way?" Keep doing that, and your bond will be unbreakable.

Beyond an Operator’s Manual

2011-09-11T11:45:00.002-05:00

This last Wednesday I officiated Nad and Alex’s wedding in Koh Samui, Thailand. Here are the personal words I shared with them and their guests:

Often when one conjures the (sometimes scary) idea of a member of the clergy trying to speak words of wisdom, one expects something along the lines of the following: “The Torah/Bible/Koran/Veda says we must do X, and it being a divine ‘operators’ manual’ for how we should live our lives, must be obeyed.”

Now, frankly, I find this rather tiring. First, with so many different and contradictory “manuals”, how are we to discern what could be the right one to use? However, second, and much more fundamentally, how many of us actually find any actual operators’ manuals in real life the least bit helpful? True learning is not done through a manual. It is done through trial and error, through observation and discovery. If this is true regarding an iPad or a cell phone, how much more so regarding something as complicated as life itself.

This is why it was so refreshing to me to read the words Nad wrote me regarding her philosophy of life, “I don't believe one should live life according to how someone else says life should look like.” How simple, yet how profound! It is clear that Nad and Alex have both lived their lives in this fashion. These are good, kind, solid, and responsible individuals, who are fun to be with, and who truly enjoy life. How did they become such individuals? It was not from reading an ancient book from 3000 years ago. Rather, it was from experiencing the world, living in different cultures, speaking different languages, interacting with other people, and observing the world.

So, Nad and Alex, thank you. Thank you for exemplifying one of the best ways to live life fully, and reach true happiness. We hope and pray that the happiness you have found together, through living life to the fullest, in just this fashion, will continue to be the path you tread for the rest of your life together.

Following Aaron’s Example

2011-09-11T11:30:00.001-05:00

This last Saturday I officiated Wadia and Jared’s wedding in Merida, Mexico. Here are the personal words I shared with them and their guests:

One of the most interesting characters in Jewish lore is Aaron, the brother of Moses. We are told that Aaron loved people, and through this brought them closer to the Torah. Now, what exactly does this mean? How do you through love bring someone closer to the Torah, which really means closer to being a good moral person, in general?

Legend has it that whenever Aaron would bump into someone, regardless of if he knew the person or not, regardless of whom that person was, he would greet the person warmly and very kindly. There were no airs about him. He did not pull rank or act like a celebrity. The result, we are told, is that due to his loving and caring attitude people did not want to disappoint him. Therefore, they would make much better moral choices in their lives, do more positive things, and stay away from what was not proper.

Now, we can ooh and aah about Aaron’s greatness, but I think that there is a much more important lesson here. Feeling loved helps us develop in ways we could not otherwise, and it has the power of making each of us a better person. We each can better ourselves through the knowledge that someone who truly loves us would want us to do the right thing.

I have never heard this better described than the way Wadia does. She describes Jared with these words, “the voice of my conscience”. That is so simple, yet so profound! Jared too reflects this mutual aspect of their relationship, when he says that, “Wadia keeps me both in line, and on my toes.” (BTW, the very first time I spoke to Wadia I picked up on the “on his toes” part…)

Wadia and Jared, thank you for reminding us of this important lesson. May you continue to grow together, to develop together, and to serve as an example for us all for how a true love and being loved can bring us just a little closer to perfection.

Where to Find Real Treasure

2011-08-22T09:17:00.002-05:00

One of the most intriguing mystical teachers of 18th Century Judaism was Rabbi Nachman of Breslau. He, like many mystics before and after him wrote fascinating parables. One of his most well-known goes as follows. A Jew in a small village had a recurring dream that there was a treasure buried under the bridge in front of the royal palace in Vienna. At first he tried to ignore it, but finally he could no more. He packed a bag and a shovel, and made the journey to the capital. Of course, digging right in front of the palace proved to be a challenge, to put it lightly. All he really could do was survey the area day after day, till he aroused the suspicion of one of the guards, who asked him what on earth he was doing. The man told the guard the whole story, upon which the guard had a very unexpected response. He snorted and told the man that he too had a recurring dream that under the stove in the home of a Jew in a far away village was buried a treasure. Did that mean he would make the journey all the way to that village and try to dig it up, all because of a dream? With that he shooed the man away, who with a smile on his face did not seem to mind, since the home the guard had described was his! He went home, dug up the treasure, and lived happily ever after.

The lesson of the parable is simple yet profound, and is one Sarah and Matt are teaching us too. Many of us seek our treasure away from home; this is only natural. It is also true that we often find that the treasure we seek is not out there, but in the very place we came from and the relationships we formed there. Sarah and Matt embody this truth. These are two individuals who enjoy very close relationships with their family and friends. They know that their treasure is found in all of you who are here today, so much so that they chose to celebrate the most important day of their lives in the very home where Sarah grew up.

So, Sarah and Matt, thank you. Thank you for reminding us of this important truth. May you continue to treasure each other and your families, and through this find genuine happiness.

Becky and Larry – A Great Pair of Learners

2011-08-12T09:24:00.004-05:00

This last Sunday I officiated Becky and Larry’s wedding in Riverside County in California. Becky and Larry are both intriguing individuals. Becky is a teacher in the true meaning of the word, and Larry works in the entertainment industry. (This is the first wedding I have done, where the groom grabbed some drumsticks, and sat down to play with the band!) Here are the personal words I shared with this unique couple:

Becky and Larry are an inspiring couple. They are first and foremost learners. They relish in learning new things from each other and from those around them.

Both Becky and Larry do not hesitate to question, and this is really the foundation of learning. It is also the foundation of both Judaism and Christianity. The former’s foundational book is the Talmud, a book that is all about questioning (as if to emphasize this its very first words are a question). The latter was born out of questioning the religious order of the time, and its hero ends his life asking a question that has resonated through the generations, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

Now, on the one hand, one might say, duh! Isn't it obvious that one should use every opportunity to learn? Isn't it a given that the only way we can improve is through life long learning? Well, yes, but unfortunately in our very individualistic culture, people seem to sometimes overlook this concept. Too often, the response to a question is, "Who do you think you are to question?" All too frequently, the response to a prompt to learn is, "You are not the boss of me!"

So, we should be thankful to people like Becky and Larry. Be it from older siblings, be it from indigenous inhabitants in a village deep in the Yucatan, their inclination is to learn as much as they can. Thank you, Becky and Larry, for setting a great example for all the rest of us.

Love is a Mystery

2011-07-31T10:59:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I officiated my first ever wedding in West Virginia. I co-officiated Jenna and Jason's wedding in Wheeling with Father Jim Sobus. Here are the personal remarks I shared with them and their friends.

Love is a mystery. Though scientists may be able to technically explain love, I feel they will never properly elucidate it. Now that may seem, at first blush, distressing, as mystery can be scary. We, as humans, desire first and foremost to understand our surroundings. After all, we are arguably the descendants of those who eons ago on the African savannah understood their environment, and were hence able to pass their genes down to us.

That said, I believe that mystery, at times, gets short shrift, and love will remain mysterious; its beauty being embedded in this very nature. Indeed, ask Jenna about Jason, and she will tell you, “I have never felt so loved in my entire life, and have never loved anyone like I love Jason. It is kind of hard to explain, but we just seem to click. He is the only person that truly understands me and knows what I am thinking at any second of any day.” Jason will, in turn tell you, “Jenna is the most important person in my life. The past nearly 3 years have been incredible for me... I have accomplished more personally and professionally with Jenna in my life than ever before… There are times where I look at Jenna and words can't express how much I love her.” It is clear, that this couple before us is not afraid of the mysterious. They lovingly and willingly embrace it, and are better for it.

So, Jenna and Jason, thank you. Thank you for reminding us to embrace the mysterious in our lives and our relationships. Continue to keep the mystery of love alive in your relationship. Relish it, thrive through it, and I have no doubt, your bond will remain absolutely unbreakable.

King James Got It Wrong, Caitlin and Ben Got It Right

2011-07-25T12:35:00.003-05:00

On Saturday I co-officiated the wedding of Caitlin and Ben with my friend and colleague, Dr. Bill Longsworth, at his beautiful historic church, FUMC of Fort Worth. Here are the personal remarks I shared with Caitlin, Ben and their guests:

Caitlin and Ben marry in an auspicious year, the 400th anniversary of the publication of the King James Bible. This translation of the ancient text had a profound effect on the development of our culture in the English speaking world. So profound is its effect, that even erroneous translations in the King James Bible have eclipsed the correct meaning of those words. One of the best examples of this is in the Second Creation Narrative in Genesis Chapter 2. We all know the story. God creates Adam or “the Man”, and unsuccessfully tries to find him a partner among the animals. So, God puts Adam under, takes one of his ribs, and from it “builds” “the Woman”, right? Well, wrong. What really happened there? Caitlin and Ben tell us.

When I asked Caitlin why she wanted to marry Ben, she wrote following, “Ben makes me a happy and a whole person. I know, with everything in me, that he will always take care of me, worry about me, make me happy, and love me.” Ben writes, in turn, “I consider her my backbone. Without her support I don’t think I would be the same person I am today.” Now, each of them wrote these comments separately without seeing what the other wrote. That fascinated me, because, again, when you take their comments and put them together, they reflect what the Bible is really saying in that ancient myth.

You see, the Bible does not say that God took Adam’s rib. It uses the word “tzela”, which sometimes means rib, but which more often means “side”. The Bible imagines God creating not the first man, but the first human, the first Ah-dahm, as an androgynous being with two sides, two faces, one female and one male, back to back. When God performs his surgery on this being, he splits it into two halves, man and woman. This is why the Bible tells us that man leaves his mother and father, cleaves to his wife, and they become, whole again, one flesh. What this myth is, in fact, telling us is what Caitlin and Ben are telling us. Marriage is where one finds one’s backbone, marriage is where one becomes whole.

So, Caitlin and Ben, thank you for reminding us of this important lesson. May you throughout your lives together share a profound and mutual love, where you make each other feel more complete more whole than you ever felt alone. And, may each of us be so fortunate to so deeply appreciate our lovers, as you appreciate each other.

An Extension of the Golden Rule

2011-07-11T08:55:00.001-05:00

This last Saturday I officiated Pauline and Nate’s Jewish-Filipino interfaith wedding. Here are the personal remarks I shared with them and their guests:

I have lived on three continents. I have lived in New Zealand and in the American Heartland where people are very cordial and tremendously polite, but it is really difficult to figure out what they really think about your actions in any given situation. On the other hand, I grew up in Israel, and Israelis are perceived by most non-Israelis as brash and even aggressive, but you always know where you stand with them. Think New Yorkers on Speed, and you get the idea.

Now, in our multi-cultural environment it seems usually taboo to talk about positives and negatives of cultures. To me there is something disingenuine about such an approach. Should we not admit, without judging individual persons, that every culture has its plusses and minuses? Is not true multi-culturalism about learning from other cultures, which means using some discernment regarding their qualities?

Is it not obvious that if one could, it would be best to exhibit the warmth and cordial nature of the Midwest and American South, along with the openness of our Israeli brothers and sisters? I have often thought about this, and when I met Pauline and Nate, I found exactly these qualities shared by both of them. This made it tremendously refreshing to interact with this lovely couple. They are the most pleasant individuals and at the same time they say what they mean, and mean what they say. How cool is that?! In this I think they are emblematic, once again, of how we should live and learn in this multi-cultural and multi-ethnic world we inhabit.

Now, really, there is nothing new here. Every religion tells us to treat others as we would like to be treated. Each of us wishes to be treated kindly, and also to know where we stand with others, so that we may navigate the world properly and pleasantly. Therefore, what Pauline and Nate do in their day to day life is just an extension of that golden rule.

Pauline and Nate, what do we wish for you? We hope and pray that you continue to enjoy happiness and love through your openness and kindness with each other and with others. We are confident that with this, you will continue to enjoy a wonderful life together, and inspire others to do the same.

The Luckiest

2011-07-05T15:02:00.000-05:00

This last Saturday I officiated my 100th wedding, right herein Frisco, Texas, at the fabulous Fairy Tale Manor.Here are the personal remarks I shared with Betsy and Billy and their guests:

Betsy and Billy have made quite an impression on me. You see thesefolks are not really big talkers; they are more quiet by nature. However, ifyou listen carefully, you can pick up on two fascinating interconnected factsabout them and their relationship.

First, you get a sense that they are extremely content together, whichI believe is a step beyond just being happy. Second, they share a profoundmutual sense of good fortune in having found each other. Betsy and Billy willtell you that they were not “looking” when they met each other. Itwas really a grand stroke of good luck. Now, some may denigrate luck, but Ihappen to be fascinated by it. After all, scientists tell us that we are allhere because of one cosmic and biological lucky break after another.

These two aspects of their relationship, a content feeling and afeeling of profound fortune, got me thinking about a quiet hauntingly beautifulsong by Ben Folds, called “The Luckiest”. Let me read you just afew words:

I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here

And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

These few words are very deep and multi-layered. Folds’ charactertalks about stumbles along the way, but there is not a shade of bitterness. Heis very content, and feels tremendously lucky to have his lover by his side. Iam not surprised this reminded me of Betsy and Billy’s love story.

Betsy and Billy, our wish to you is that you continue to enjoy a senseof good fortune from having found each other as life partners. Our hope is thatyou continue to exhibit for others what a true life of content, born from therecognition of that good fortune and from ongoing deep love, really and trulylooks like.

20 Years

2011-06-15T13:34:00.000-05:00

Usually I write about other couples. Let's depart from that once, and allow me to muse out loud on top of that...

So despite the common stereotype, it was I who remembered. Of course, I cheated a little. This is not our 20th WEDDING anniversary. It is the 20th anniversary of the date we used to celebrate evey month when we were going out as the date we "officially" started dating.

(I recently remarked to my daughter, who just turned 17, that her mom was that very age, when we started going out. Good thing she is ALREADY visually impaired, as an eye roll back that far could have hurt anyone's vision...)

How does one reflect on 20 years? I don't really know. We have lived on three continents. We had four children, are raising three that bring us much joy (and some frutration here and there...) and together buried one. We went from being very Orthodox to well, very not. We are very different people than we were, a little older, hopefully wiser, most of our lessons not the type one learns in the classroom.

So, we still have a road to hoe, and many adventures we plan together, and corny as it may sound, I wouldn't trade what we have for anything. Her name is Liat, which means, "You are mine." For the past 20 years she has been... Here is to many more multiples of 20!

What about Now, What about Today?

2011-06-06T13:00:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I officiated the wedding of a very special couple, Stacy and Mark. This couple has one of the most unique love stories I have come across. They were good friends in high school, both separately wanted to be more than that, and as men are from Mars and women are from Venus, had some miscommunications about that very fact. So, “Harry and Sally” like, each went their separate ways, married, had kids, and eventually divorced. Then they found each other again, and this time, grabbed the bull by its horns, fell very deeply in love, and the rest is history. Here is what I shared with them during their wedding ceremony:

I am about to divulge to all of you one of the most telling details one can share with others about him or herself. I have never really done this before, so deep breath, here goes. I am going to share some of the contents of my iPod playlist…

Seriously, though, many times, when I am trying to write personal remarks like these, I listen to music. Corny as it may sound, music can inspire my writing. This time, however, I didn’t just become inspired; I hit the jackpot. Here is the song by Chris Daughtry that my iPod came up with as it shuffled, when I sat down to think about what I would share with Stacy and Mark, and you all. Listen carefully to the words.

Shadows fill an empty heart
As love is fading,
From all the things that we are
But are not saying
Can we see beyond the stars?
And make it to the dawn?

Change the colors of the sky
And open up to
The ways you made me feel alive,
The ways I loved you
For all the things that never died,
To make it through the night,
Love will find you

What about now,
What about today,
What if you’re making me all that I was meant to be,
What if our love never went away,
What if it’s lost behind words we could never find,
Baby, before it’s too late,
What about now.

The sun is breaking in your eyes
To start a new day
This broken heart can still survive
With a touch of your grace
Shadows fade into the light
I am by your side,
Where love will find you…

Now that we’re here,
Now that we’ve come this far,
Just hold on
There is nothing to fear,
For I am right beside you.
For all my life,
I am yours.

It is almost like this song could have been written for Stacy and Mark. What Daughtry in his words, and Stacy and Mark in their love story teach us, is that in our lives as individuals, as couples, as families, as a nation, as a world, there are second chances. In fact, there may be more second chances than we realize. Too many times, we let those second chances, which could redefine our lives, which could revitalize our existences pass us by. What both this popular singer, and this lovely couple are telling us is – it does not have to be that way. They call upon us to ask ourselves, to ask our partners, to ask our families, to ask our nation and the whole world itself – what about now, what about today?

So, Stacy and Mark, thank you. Thank you for serving as an inspiration. Now, go ahead and hug each other (it’s perfectly OK, you are almost married…) and as the years go by, take a moment here and there to do what you are doing right now. Perhaps you might even say to each other when you do, “Just hold on, there is nothing to fear, for I am right beside you. For all my life, I am yours.”

Lifting a Burden

2011-06-04T16:40:00.001-05:00

The goal of this blog is to share what I learn from my couples, and usually postings contain my personal remarks at weddings, which share that goal. This posting will be a little different.

Recently at a wedding reception I had a fascinating discussion, during which I was able to help someone with an issue that was weighing heavily on her heart. This woman could be described by the rabbis of old as a “ba’alat yissurim”, a woman who had more suffering in her life, than would seem fair. She had lost two daughters, one at the age of nine in a horrible traffic accident, and one in her thirties to cancer. Having lost a child myself, I immediately felt a sense of kinship.

A close family member had criticized this woman for not being as devout as he was in terms of belief and church attendance. He told her that since she was not properly devout, she would not get to see her daughter in the afterlife. This greatly troubled the woman, and she sought me out at the wedding, as a rabbi, to ask me what I thought.

Now, personally, I have little use for the afterlife. I think it is extremely difficult to prove that this is an original Jewish concept. Even after this concept made its way into Judaism, our writings have always focused on this world, not the next. However, what one, especially a rabbi, must judge in such a situation, is not what do I think, rather what will bring comfort to this individual. This does not mean that I would utter anything I think not to be true. It just means that one helps the other person state what he or she believes in, what brings him or her comfort, and then validates that as a legitimate position.

I asked her if she had read Lance Armstrong’s book, It’s Not About the Bike, My Journey Back to Life”. She said she had. I reminded her of this excerpt:

The night before brain surgery, I thought about death… I asked myself what I believed. I had never prayed a lot. I hoped hard, I wished hard, but I didn’t pray. I had developed a certain distrust of organized religion growing up, but I felt I had the capacity to be a spiritual person, and to hold some fervent beliefs. Quite simply, I believed I had a responsibility to be a good person, and that meant fair, honest, hardworking, and honorable. If I did that, if I was good to my family, true to my friends, if I gave back to my community or to some cause, if I wasn’t a liar, a cheat, or a thief, then I believed that should be enough. At the end of the day, if there was indeed some Body or presence standing there to judge me, I hoped I would be judged on whether I had lived a true life, not on whether I believed in a certain book, or whether I’d been baptized. If there was indeed a God at the end of my days, I hoped he didn’t say, “But you were never a Christian, so you’re going the other way from heaven.” If so, I was going to reply, “You know what? You’re right. Fine.”

She said she remembered that, and agreed wholeheartedly with Lance. Still, it seemed that she needed someone, who had pastor or rabbi in front of his or her name to tell her that Lance was right. She needed that someone to tell her that not spending every Sunday in church would not prevent her from seeing her daughter again. I reassured her that Lance had it right. I reassured her that the person who had clearly hurt her with his remarks was wrong. I could see from her face that a tremendous burden had been lifted from her shoulders.

Questioning is Key

2011-05-30T17:13:00.001-05:00

This last Sunday I co-officiated Misty and Brian’s wedding at the Four Seasons in Austin, Texas, with Reverend CJ Taylor. I talked about a concept that to me is one of the most important, questioning:

I believe that central to each of these two individuals before us is that they never shied away from questions. Each of them separately and before they met, showed the same intellectual honesty of questioning their faiths, not just accepting everything, hook, line and sinker. They each developed an understanding of the role they wished religion and spirituality to play in their lives. In turn, when they became a couple, they again did not ignore the challenges inherent in two people coming together from two different faith traditions. They knew they had to ask questions of themselves and each other, and arrive at answers together as a couple, regarding the place and manner religion and spirituality would play in their lives.

Now, some may see questioning of one’s faith as disrespectful or out of place. Nothing can be further from the truth. After all, the most central book in the Jewish faith is the Talmud, a book of questions, even heated arguments resulting from fierce questions. Christianity too is born of questioning the religious establishment of the time.

So, Misty and Brian, I urge you to continue setting an example for others. Continue on your path of questioning, thinking and reflecting. Continue to make that a part of your relationship, and make it a part of the lives of your future children. Remind yourselves again and again that answers are important too, but that questions and challenges are what keep us alive and kicking. Follow that path and I have no doubt, your bond will remain absolutely unbreakable.

Unity, Not Uniformity

2011-05-23T07:54:00.002-05:00

This last Sunday I officiated Angela and Kevin’s wedding in Fort Worth, Texas at the elegant Historic YWCA. Here are the personal words I shared with them and their guests:

There is an assumption on the part of some, and that some includes some members of the clergy unfortunately, that an interfaith relationship will serve to weaken, or even dilute the faith of an individual. What I have found regarding most couples, and Angela and Kevin stand out as a strong example of this, is that it is actually the opposite.

Falling in love with, developing a relationship with, and marrying someone who is of a different faith tradition, can actually strengthen one’s connection to his or her faith tradition. Kevin is very open about the fact that Angela’s commitment to her faith has inspired him to bring the Jewish faith back to a more central place in his life. Angela is explicit about the fact that her relationship with Kevin has served to perfect and mature her Christian faith.

Angela and Kevin find their respective connections to their faith traditions strengthened, because of one key concept. They both understand that unity does not have to mean uniformity. They understand that diversity is not a dirty word. They understand that they each can be strong in their differing beliefs, and also have a powerful and loving mutual bond.

Angela and Kevin, our prayer is that you continue to live a life of learning and growing together. Our hope is that you continue to strengthen each other. Our charge to you is that you inspire others to do the same.

Apples and Trees

2011-05-16T10:48:00.000-05:00

This last Saturday morning I officiated Lanie and Farron’s wedding at the Hyatt Regency Hill Country Resort in San Antonio, Texas. I shared with them and their guests a message that had some similarities to a recent message I shared at a baby naming, coming at it from a different angle:

So here’s the deal with these two – they have the full package – they really do. They are deeply connected to their families, they view each other as allies and best friends, not just lovers, and each one of them will tell you that their relationship has brought about mutual improvement and growth. What is their secret?

Well, from what I can gather, it seems that if we look at the trees, we might have an answer regarding the apples. You see, quite often, the most significant adjustments in any loving relationship have to do with what is the “normal” way of doing things, and the translation of “normal” really is “the way my folks do it”. My wife and I are a great example. A few days after we married 18 years ago, I suggested I make scrambled eggs for breakfast, and she enthusiastically agreed. She left the room for a few minutes, as I began to make the eggs. When she returned, she had a horrified look on her face. I was perplexed, and I asked her what was wrong. She, her voice quivering, said that I had broken the eggs into a glass, and not a bowl, which is the normal way to do it. I looked at her like she was crazy, and I insisted that normal people break their eggs into a glass. Again, instead of normal insert, “the way my folks do it.” Now, of course, in our home today, we break eggs into a bowl, because that is what normal people do… but that is really beside the point.

Now, I do not believe any couple since the dawn of time has escaped such adjustments. Every couple has the type of adjustments my wife and I dealt with. It is though, I believe, in the hands of parents to raise their children in a way that can minimize these. It is up to parents to raise children with not only a set of standards of behavior, but also with the understanding that different people do things differently, and that that is OK. It is up to parents to raise children that understand that, sure there are things that are black and white, but most of the world is pretty much gray. It is up to parents to raise children who are open to learning, and are not afraid to try new ways of doing things. It is up to parents to broaden the scope of what is normal.

Lanie and Farron, from our discussions, from what you told me orally and in writing, I think this is your secret. Your upbringing by your parents is what brought you together in such a harmonious relationship. You see, in a way, in my introduction, I told the truth but not the whole truth. I talked about learning from couples, where really many times, and this is just one more of those times, I find myself learning from families too.

Lanie and Farron, what we wish for you is that you do the same. You may come from different cultural and religious traditions, but I encourage you to continue the shared tradition of your parents. Build a home where pluralism is central. Raise a family where the words "my way or the highway" never come into play. Inculcate your children with the spirit of learning and growing your parents inculcated you with. Through this you and they will find complete, utter and true happiness.

How Parents Can Broaden the Scope of Normal

2011-04-28T08:27:00.000-05:00

Though I mostly do weddings, lately people have been calling on me to do other things too. This last Saturday, I was privileged to officiate a baby naming for Miriam, daughter of Farrah and Nate. I first spoke about her Hebrew name, and then about what I wished her.

Friends, one of the most fascinating things about Jewish tradition is that a Jewish scholar, be he the greatest scholar of his generation, is referred to as a talmid chacham, literally a wise student. That is because Judaism values the idea of life long learning. Whatever like-cycle event I officiate, I try to see it as a teachable moment.

Nobody really knows what the real meaning of Miriam is. Farrah and Nate chose this name, because it combines the names of Nate’s mother and grandmother. In English that would be Marion, and so Miriam was an obvious choice. The character of Miriam does have a fascinating connection to Pesach, which we are in the midst of celebrating. While the standard story of the Exodus emphasizes Moses and Aaron, we can definitely see on the periphery of the story the role of Miriam, their sister, as key. She is the one who engineers Moses growing up in Pharaoh’s house. She is the one who arranges for Moses to spend a few years with his birth mother, before going off to Pharaoh’s house. She is the one who the Bible tells us sings a song of thanks after the parting of the Red Sea, a song that Moses more lengthy song is clearly based on. A later prophet, therefore, when referring to the Exodus says to the people of Judea, “For I brought you up from the land of Egypt and redeemed you from the house of slavery, and I sent before you Moses, Aaron, and Miriam.”

A few weeks ago I asked Farrah and Nate to share their hopes for little Miriam with me. They told me that they wished for to be happy and find personal fulfillment in life; that she should grow up to be her own person and an independent woman, that she should find personal fulfillment; that she should try as hard as she can, and find professional success.

I think these answers, coupled with what I have gathered from spending some time with Farrah and Nate, are telling in a very good way. You see, I spent 12 years as an educator, 5 of those as an assistant principal first for elementary and middle school and then for high school, and now I spend my time mostly marrying couples. This has taught me, that not surprisingly, when you look at the apples, you usually see a correspondence to the trees. In that sense, the most difficult thing to teach and more importantly unteach is how to interact with other people, especially a life partner.

You see, quite often, the most significant adjustments in any loving relationship have to do with what is the “normal” way of doing things, and the translation of “normal” really is “the way my folks do it”. My wife and I are a great example. A few days after we married 18 years ago, I suggested I make scrambled eggs for breakfast, and she enthusiastically agreed. She left the room for a few minutes, as I began to make the eggs. When she returned, she had a horrified look on her face. I was perplexed, and I asked her what was wrong. She, her voice quivering, said that I had broken the eggs into a glass, and not a bowl, which is the normal way to do it. I looked at her like she was crazy, and I insisted that normal people break their eggs into a glass. Again, instead of normal insert, “the way my folks do it.” Now, of course, in our home today, we break eggs into a bowl, because that is what normal people do… but that is really beside the point.

Now, I do not believe any couple since the dawn of time has escaped such adjustments. Every couple has the type of adjustments my wife and I dealt with. It is though, I believe, in the hands of parents to raise their children in a way that can minimize these. It is up to parents to raise children with not only a set of standards of behavior, but also with the understanding that different people do things differently, and that that is OK. It is up to parents to raise children that understand that, sure there are things that are black and white, but most of the world is pretty much gray. It is up to parents to raise children who are open to learning, and are not afraid to try new ways of doing things. It is up to parents to broaden the scope of what is normal.

Continue to build a home where pluralism is central. Raise your family in an environment where the words "my way or the highway" never come into play. Continue to inculcate your children with the spirit of learning and growing. Through this you and they will find complete, utter and true happiness.

What a Rabbi Learned From Two Buddhists

2011-04-25T13:07:00.003-05:00

This last Saturday I officiated the wedding of two American Buddhists. Brian is originally a Kiwi of Chinese descent, and Natakan is from Thailand. Of course, when Brian called me the first time, I asked no doubt what you are asking now, “Why would two Buddhists ask a rabbi to do their wedding?” He explained that a modern American wedding was what they wanted, and that would not really work well with what the temple monks would be comfortable doing. On top of that, their date was a day before Easter, so a Christian minister did not make sense. Hence, they called on me. (The postscript is that after the ceremony all of their guests told them they would want this rabbi to officiate for them!)

Natakan and Brian are very special, modest and quiet individuals. They each have suffered more personal losses than would seem fair, but are extremely sunny and optimistic individuals. I found myself learning a lot from them. I shared some of that in these personal words during their ceremony:

Friends, when people ask me to describe myself, I say that I am first and foremost a learner. So, whenever I officiate a wedding, I ask myself, this couple, being unique individuals, what can I learn from them, what are they, consciously or maybe even unconsciously, teaching me, and indeed us?

I found that I learned so much from spending time with Natakan and Brian. Whenever someone has a job that is so specialized and demands such intelligence and skill that I can’t even understand what they do – that is a person I know I can and will learn a lot from…

Seriously, though, these are two individuals who share the fact that they have been schooled by and in the school of life. They have had to deal with their share of physical and emotional pain. In the face of these, they have not only been stoic; they have exhibited, and continue to exhibit quiet determination and powerful love.

When one observes the simple, deep and mutual love that this couple shares, it brings to mind the story about an elderly rabbi who took his wife to the doctor. The doctor asked what the problem was, and the rabbi said in Hebrew, “Ragla shel ishti ko’evet lanu”. Now in Hebrew it works a lot better, but essentially what he was saying was not “My wife feels pain in her leg”, rather “We feel pain in my wife’s leg”. You see, he was so in love with his wife, that when she was in pain, he basically felt pain too. From how Natakan and Brian describe their strong emotional connection, and just from interacting with them, one can really tell that they feel each other’s pain. On top of that, they each have and show true empathy for the pains of others’, friends and strangers alike.

What struck me most though about Natakan and Brian, is that not just do they feel each other’s pain, rather that they truly and utterly feel each other’s joy. The enjoyment they each find in the happiness of the other is truly inspiring. The pleasure they find in just knowing that the other is content and happy is enviable. And again, each of them finds true joy in the happiness of others too.

So Natakan and Brian, thank you for sharing these important lessons with me and with all of us. I bless you and pray, that you will henceforth always experience only joy, happiness and pleasure in the bonds of mutual love.

A Spirit of Calm Humility

2011-04-21T16:36:00.000-05:00

This past weekend I married Kamilla and Naum, a great couple, who know each other from the time they were kids. Their parents actually knew each other back in Eastern Europe. Their humble personalities reminded me of a story I read many years ago, and it is with that story that I began my personal remarks to them:

Let me recount a short story. Sometime in the 1950s, David Ben Gurion summoned Shneur Zalman Shazar (Israel’s future president) to his office, and he told him that he wanted to send him to the Soviet Union as Israel’s ambassador. Shazar, who was a loyal public servant, immediately accepted. Ben Gurion then said to him, “Shazar, you must understand that the Israeli ambassador to the Soviet Union has to know how to keep quiet.” Shazar assured the prime minister that this would not be a problem. Ben Gurion then explained, “Shazar, I am not sure you get it. The Israeli ambassador to the Soviet Union has to be so quiet, that the whole world hears how quiet he is!”

Now, as many here know, from having lived there, Ben Gurion was telling Shazar to do this for geopolitical reasons. However, there is a lesson here regarding a very important quality for life, in general, for the Soviet Union in the 1950s, and for Houston in the 2010s. I believe that Kamilla and Naum exemplify this quality of humility that Ben Gurion was talking about. You see, Kamilla and Naum are humble individuals, who don't spend their time telling you how great they are. They are too busy putting their noses to the grindstone, and getting the job done. They are busy continuing to build their relationship. They are busy living fulfilling and richly meaningful lives, as individuals and as a couple.

When you interact with Kamilla and Naum, that all comes through. They just have what I would call a spirit of calm humility. You get the idea that you can count on them. You understand that these are serious and reliable people. You realize that if you pay attention you might learn something too.

So, Kamilla and Naum, hold on to that. You have something going, as individuals and as a couple, that not everyone has. Keep working hard, keep growing, and keep on setting an example for what a really meaningful and rich life can and should look like.

If You Ever Get a Second Chance in Life

2011-04-03T10:36:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago I posted my remarks from Meredith and Bert’s wedding. At their wedding I met Howard, Bert’s brother, and his fiancée, Abigail. They loved the ceremony, and they asked me to their private ceremony on the Island of St. Martin. Here the remarks I shared with them earlier this week:

Abigail and Howard, at Meredith and Bert's wedding, I talked about fate vs. destiny, the things that just happen to us vs. the true choices we make. That evening and in subsequent conversations you talked about the various twists and turns of fate and destiny, in your lives as individuals and as a couple. There was no mistaking the sense of true destiny you now share in your relationship.

This brought to mind one of the most inspiring messages I ever read. The funny thing is that having pored for years over ancient texts in yeshivah and scholarly modern texts in academia, I found this in a book by a biker, Lance Armstrong's book, It's Not About the Bike - My Journey Back to Life. He recounts his first words to journalists on the Champs Elysees, after winning his first Tour de France, "If you ever get a second chance in life, you've got to go all the way!" "If you ever get a second chance in life, you've got to go all the way!"

I, personally, have found these words tremendously meaningful. They could describe many aspects of my life the last few years. If I may be so bold, from our discussions I perceive that this could be a motto for you as a couple too. Now, this saying really has two parts to it. The first part speaks of the recognition of the fact that you have been given a second chance. It is at that moment that you take mere fate, and recognize that it could give you a shot at destiny. The second part of the saying is the crux; you take action, seize your destiny, just as you did, and go all the way. It would be no exaggeration to say that this is the only way one can truly lay claim to having lived a fulfilling life.

So, standing here, just the three of us, I challenge you and encourage you to continue living your life in such a fashion. Resolutely, grab on to and savor life together, and go all the way.

Lucky

2011-03-31T12:39:00.001-05:00

I recently wrote personal remarks for two different weddings based on aspects from the song “Lucky”. One wedding was a few weeks ago, and the other is yet to come. Here are the remarks from a few weeks ago:

When I was contemplating Allison and Zach's relationship, I said to myself, wow, this is one lucky couple. The words of a song by Jason Mraz immediately came to mind. Mraz, in a beautiful duet by Colbie Cailet sings words that could have been written just for Allison and Zach. “Lucky I'm in love with my best friend, lucky to have been where I have been… They don't know how long it takes waiting for a love like this, every time we say goodbye I wish we had one more kiss. I'll wait for you, I promise you I will… Lucky to be coming home again, lucky we're in love in every way, lucky to have stayed where we have stayed, lucky to be coming home someday…”

Why do I say this could have been written just for them? Well, there are a number of reasons. Allow me to enumerate the top two. First of all, this is just a lucky couple, not lucky in the sense of random dumb luck, rather lucky in the sense of fortunate to be surrounded by family and friends that not only care deeply for them, but even brought them together.

Second, these are not two individuals that just go with the flow. They are much more reflective than the average person. This allowed them to have the type of deep discussions they had at the beginning of their relationship, a type most couples get too much later. This truly enabled them to become best friends in the true sense of the word, at the same time that they became lovers. They did not stop there. It is well evident that they continued and continue to this day to help each other grow, and so with three years under their belt they share a closeness that some couples do not achieve in many many years together.

So, Allison and Zach, thank you. Thank you for reminding us just how lucky we can be if we are so fortunate to find our soul mates, and how we can help each other grow, and reach our full potential as individuals and as a couple. Hold on to that. Now look into each other’s eyes. As the years go by, make sure you take a moment here and there to stop and look into each other’s eyes like you are now. Then wherever you are, whatever is going on in your life, say to yourself, say to each other, in the words of Jason Mraz, “I keep you with me in my heart; you make it easier when life gets hard; lucky I'm in love with my best friend.”

A Good and Simple Life

2011-03-28T05:25:00.000-05:00

This last Saturday I officiated the wedding of Sarah and Brian in Corpus Christi. This special couple was brought together through the tragedy of the death of a mutual friend. In fact, they saw him as their honorary best man. Here are the personal remarks I shared with them during their ceremony:

Sarah and Brian were brought together by tragedy. A dear mutual friend lost his life. Anyone who has experienced such tragedy knows that one of the basic human reactions one invariably has is to ask why. Why did this happen to my loved one? This question can nag and gnaw at the heart, and therein lies a problem. You see, try as we may, with a loss of such finality, we can never really find an answer to that question. Depending on one’s theological stance, there may be no reason, or they may be a reason that is not in the realm of human understanding. To us it is all the same. We are left in the dark.

There is great hope though, if you follow the example of Sarah and Brian. What Sarah and Brian did, in words and in action, was realize that moving forward entailed asking another very different question, and that is, what now. Now that I have experienced tragedy, what shall I do? I can’t and never will know why it happened, but what meaning shall I give to that tragedy? What meaning shall I give to my life henceforth? This is a question that is entirely answerable; this is a question that we must answer, each one of us.

Now each person has to give his or her own answer to what their life’s meaning will be. That said, there can be a basic common sketch that most of us can follow on the road to true meaning, a sketch Sarah and Brian have tried to live by. We can find true meaning through loving, through being loved, through savoring life to the fullest, and through being of service to others. Examine Sarah and Brian’s lives as individuals and as a couple, and you will see these four threads create the fabric of what Brian aptly calls, “a good and simple life.”

So, Sarah and Brian, thank you. Thank you for reminding us how one can and should live. May you and may we continue on that path to truly meaningful lives of loving, being loved, savoring life and being of service to others.

Choosing Your Destiny

2011-02-25T10:58:00.000-06:00

This last Saturday I co-officiated Meredith and Bert’s wedding in Beaumont, Texas. What a wonderful and warm couple! It was heart-warming to see what tremendous nachas Bert’s 84 year old dad, Irvin, got from my joining the celebration. Dr. Harland Merriam, Meredith’s pastor and a real pro, was a pleasure to work with too, and it was clear that a good time was had by all. Here are some of the words I shared with the couple during the ceremony:

Now, of course, I stand here at a disadvantage to Dr. Merriam, who baptized the bride, while I have known the couple for only a short while. I was struck though by a fascinating aspect of their love story. You see, one thing that both will tell you about the time they met is that neither Meredith nor Bert were looking for a serious relationship. They were co-workers, who found they had some common interests, and developed a friendship. It was only later that they started to date and fell in love.

What that reminded me of is one of the most important lessons for life, and specifically for married life. We have very limited control over our circumstances. If there is anything we as a nation and as individuals have learned over the course of the last two or three years, it is that there are many things in life that we have no control over whatsoever. We do however have control over how we choose to relate to our circumstances. In other words, we cannot choose our fate, but we can choose our destiny.

Meredith and Bert, you had no control over how you met; that was merely fate. But what is it we wish every couple – happiness – that was in your hands. You chose your destiny – to stand before us today to commit yourselves to each other for the rest of your lives. So, Meredith and Bert, thank you. Thank you for reminding us of this important lesson. Now, look into each other’s eyes. As the years go by, take a moment here and there, to do what you are doing right now. Take a moment to forget your circumstances, let what is around you melt away, and remember this very moment, remember your destiny.

Raya Mihaimana – a Wife of Noble Character Who Can Find?

2011-02-04T15:27:00.001-06:00

Two weeks ago I officiated Raya and Adam’s wedding in West Orange, New Jersey. Though I go all over to officiate weddings, I have to admit I was surprised when Adam first contacted me. After all, contacting a Dallas rabbi to come to the New York City Metropolitan area to officiate a wedding, would seem tantamount to Eskimos asking the same rabbi to bring them some of that renowned pure Dallas snow… It is not that Raya and Adam had not looked; they – as many of my couples – had looked for a rabbi who would officiate their interfaith wedding, and really work with them to create the personalized ceremony they were looking for. They truly believed that the ceremony was what would “make” their wedding. Everything else would make it pretty. After speaking to Adam for just a few minutes, I knew this was a special couple, that I would love working with, and Adam knew he had found the rabbi for his wedding!

Raya and Adam are both extremely talented attorneys. Adam works in private practice. Raya who was born in Bulgaria, came to this country when she was twelve years old, and today she works for the Obama Administration. (As Yakov Smirnoff would no doubt say, “What a country!”) As some may know, while some people collect coins or shells, I collect languages, in which I can recite the Priestly Blessing. I have already blessed couples with this blessing in Spanish, French, and Arabic. Raya was kind enough to not only transliterate the verses from the Cyrillic Bulgarian characters for me, but also leave me a message with the blessing on my phone, so I could practice the pronunciation. So, I was able, much to the gratification of Raya’s parents to bless the couple in Hebrew, English and Bulgarian.

Here are the personal remarks I shared with Raya, Adam and their guests:

When I first spoke to Adam and Raya, I told them that her name in Aramaic, an ancient sister language of Hebrew, means wife, and that sometimes the adjective Mihaimana would be appended to it, which means “trusted” or “faithful”. As Raya has told me, Adam will frequently joke that she is already his wife, which beautifully fits with the meaning of her name. Talk to them about their relationship, and you can really tell that the foundation of Raya and Adam’s love is a deep friendship and a profound mutual trust, which fits the bill of that whole phrase, Raya Mihaimana.

Raya and Adam both talk about how deep not only their relationship is, but how their relationships with family and loved ones are so important to them, so central to their lives. Raya says that living in diverse places, taught her that “home” is not defined by a location, but by people. “Home” to her is being with those she loves and cares about. Home to her, in her day to day life, now has a name, Adam. Adam speaks of seeing “family as the lens through which love and happiness shine brightest; it is an uncompromising cloak of unity draped over those who selflessly love one another.” He says Raya has become part of that family experience for him, and how that has increased his love for her even more.

Adam movingly writes about how spending time with his family and with Raya is more important to him than material possessions or worldly experiences. This reminded me of the poetic words attributed to the legendary Chaldean king, Lemuel, quoting words of wisdom his mother gave him about the ideal wife. These can be turned around easily to fit the description of the ideal husband too:

A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full trust in her
and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.

So, Raya and Adam, thank you for reminding us of these important lessons. We hope and pray that you will continue to live your lives by these values. With the hustle and bustle of daily life, that can sometimes be a tall order. So, here is a suggestion. Look into each other’s eyes. (Yes, now…) As the years go by, take a moment here and there to look into each other’s eyes, like you are now, and remind yourselves of what is most important in life – not material possessions, or worldly trappings, rather your mutual love, your trust in each other, and your relationships with your family and loved ones.

Where There is Love There is Life: A Hin-Jew Wedding in Texas

2011-01-20T18:30:00.013-06:00

One of the most unique weddings I have officiated was Shreeti and Jon's. I co-officiated with Shreeti's family's lay pundit (Hindu priest), Jaysurya ("Jay") Upadhyaya. It was fascinating to see how these two faiths, one Western and one Eastern, came together in one ceremony, and how many parallels exist between the wedding rituals of both.

The ceremony began at the entrance, with Shreeti's mother waving a wand over Jon to cast away spirits. This Hindu tradition is similar to the Jewish tradition of beginning the ceremony with the bride and groom's mothers leading the bride around the groom to similarly protect him. In accordance with Hindu tradition, Jon then broke a clay pot to symbolically remove any obstacles to the marriage.

The ceremony itself was held under a mandap, a Hindu ceremonial canopy that turns the whole area under it into a symbolic altar. This served also as the Jewish chuppah, which symbolizes the bride and groom's new home. Interestingly, both faiths center around the home, rather than the house of worship, which means that home and altar are very much one and the same.

At various points during the Hindu portions of the ceremony, people made offerings to different deities. This usually involves Sanskrit chanting by the pundit, the tossing of the offering into fire and the marking of the body with paste. These are very important parts of the ceremony, as the favor of the deities is seen as central to a life of happiness for the new family being created under the mandap. The Jewish portions of the ceremony do not involve offerings, but do involve the chanting of blessings in Hebrew. I opened the Jewish part of the ceremony with traditional, welcoming blessings and towards the end blessed the couple with the Priestly Blessing.

In a Jewish wedding, parents and loved ones are brought under the chuppah with the bride and groom. This is true of a Hindu wedding too. Shreeti's parents spent part of the ceremony under the mandap, made an offering and even washed Shreeti and Jon's feet, beseeching him to treat their daughter as an equal partner. Later in the ceremony, family members from both sides, including Jon's parents, joined Shreeti and Jon under the mandap, and made offerings, which the couple, circling a small altar four times, threw into the fire. The circling symbolizes the couple's commitment to remaining true to one's values, providing for the family, obtaining fulfillment and achieving enlightenment. Every time they circled the altar, siblings and cousins, who had surrounded the mandap, pelted them with flower petals. Later, after the ceremony, with their families once again surrounding them, the couple would sign the Jewish ketubah, a document where they would commit themselves to essentially the same ideals celebrated while ringing the altar.

One of the most striking resemblances between the wedding traditions of both faiths is the centrality of the number seven. The Hindu tradition has the Satapadi or Seven Vows, and the Jewish tradition has the Seven Blessings. Jon laid Shreeti's big toe on each of seven decorated shells respectively, while Jay chanted the Satapadi, swearing the couple to live with honor and respect, be happy, share in all, not forget their elders, be charitable, be peaceful and love and sacrifice for each other. I followed with the chanting of the Seven Blessings, which celebrate creation in general, creation of man, creation of woman, the hope of return to Zion and the love and happiness of the bride and groom and their loved ones.

Both traditions include the bride and groom sharing sweet food (in Hinduism) or sweet wine (in Judaism) to symbolize everyone's prayer that the couple will enjoy a sweet life together. Shreeti and Jon shared candy and dried fruit, in accordance with the Hindu tradition.

Jon then put a necklace on Shreeti's neck, the Hindu equivalent to putting a ring on his bride's finger. (Both faiths, being in their traditional form patriarchal, have the groom putting the jewelry on the bride and not vice versa.) Shreeti and Jon then read very meaningful vows they wrote, after which they exchanged rings, reciting (in Hebrew and in English) the traditional Jewish consecration formula, as well as a verse from the Song of Songs.

After I declared them husband and wife, Jon ended the ceremony, just as he started it – by breaking something. This time, in accordance with Jewish tradition, he broke a glass. I explained it as symbolizing the breaking down of barriers between different cultures and faiths – a very fitting explanation for this wedding.

How did Shreeti and Jon, coming from traditions, far apart geographically and theologically, "pull off" such a seamless ceremony, where it was well evident that all present felt so validated and comfortable? They communicated their plans to their families, and sought their feedback. Their parents gave them honest and considerate feedback while respecting the couple's wishes. Shreeti and Jon chose officiants who were open to learning about each other's faiths and communicated well themselves. These officiants were keen on making the various parts of the ceremony mesh well together. Most importantly, while each family expressed their wishes to observe various rituals from their respective traditions, it seemed like they were even more careful to make sure that the other side's wishes were being met.

It was really heart-warming to observe how concerned these people were regarding each other's feelings. It has been said that true love means caring about your loved one's feelings, as you much as you care about yours. This couple, their families and all involved showed this type of love, and as Mahatma Gandhi once said, "Where there is love, there is life!"

The bride and groom under the mandap, which also served as the chuppah. (Photo Courtesy of Chavvon & Larissa Photography - www.chavvon.com)

© Copyright 2011 – Rabbi David S. Gruber – All Rights Reserved. This article was first published on www.interfaithfamily.com

Humility – An Essential Quality

2011-01-17T15:38:00.000-06:00

I spent the last weekend with Lauren and Ryan and their families. Here are some words I shared with this wonderful couple:

I wanted to focus on one particular quality that I feel is one of the most important for a person to have, one that is in short supply, but which Lauren and Ryan have been blessed with – humility. The first thing that humility allows you and encourages you to do is to not take yourself too seriously. Not taking yourself too seriously is, well, a serious issue! Why? This is easiest to understand through the negative. Think about someone you know, and we all know this someone, who takes him or herself way too seriously. Now you understand why that is important. Humble people, like this couple, who can laugh and joke about themselves, are much more pleasant to be around.

Humility also means that it is much easier for you to be self reflective. Lauren and Ryan definitely have shown in their lives apart and together, that they are able to take stock of who they are and where they are in life. This is vital, since as they and many others have experienced in the last two or three years, life will come at you, and throw you some curveballs from time to time. If you are nimble in your ability to self reflect, you will be more adaptable to different and new situations. You will be able to take appropriate action, whereas the person who has difficulty with self reflection will still be frozen in the past.

The most important aspect of humility though, in my opinion, is a true sense of wonder. When you are humble, and don’t think more of yourself than you should, you are able to open your eyes, look around you, and discover a wonderful and fascinating world out there. You will by necessity live a life of adventure and discovery. (This is true, by the way, on a personal and national level.) Lauren and Ryan are very explicit about this aspect of their life. It is clear that they try to take in the world together, and live their lives in a way, that, I think, is the best way to live it. They live their lives with the clear recognition that life is a journey where one needs to concentrate not on the destination, but on the journey itself.

So, Lauren and Ryan, thank you. Thank you for reminding us just how special life can be, if we have the right outlook and perspective. Hold on to that. Now look into each other’s eyes. As the years go by, make sure you take a moment here and there to stop and look into each other’s eyes like you are now, and wherever you are, whatever is going on in your lives, remind yourselves, remind each other, to seize the day, and live your lives together to the fullest, like you are today.

Relationships Are What Makes the World Go Round

2011-01-03T16:50:00.001-06:00

Yvonne and Reed, one of the great things about working with a more “seasoned” couple like you, Yvonne and Reed, is that you have gained some wisdom that comes from having been “around the block” once or twice. You have learned some lessons that one cannot learn in the classroom, rather need to be experienced in the school of life. One of the central things you emphasized in our discussions is that while you have each worked very hard get to where you are today, your relationship has reminded you what is really important in life – your relationships, the love that you have found with each other, and the love you have for your children.

Now, you may say, duh! If, however, you have paid attention to what is going on in the world today, you will understand how much this message is a needed one for us all. You see, modern life can sometimes make us forget that material possessions are just tools, that they cannot really fulfill our dreams. We sometimes forget that it is our connections and relationships that make us who we are. We sometimes forget as individuals and as a society, we need place supreme value on our spouses, our children, and our friends, so we may find true lasting meaning and happiness in our lives.

So, Yvonne and Reed, thank you for reminding us of these important lessons. We hope and pray that you will hold on to these important values. With the hustle and bustle of life, that can sometimes be a tall order. So, here is a suggestion. Look into each other’s eyes. (Yes, now…) As the years go by, take a moment here and there to look into each other’s eyes like you are now, and remind yourselves of what is most important in life – your relationship with each other, your connection to your loved ones, and your caring for others.

You Make Me Whole. Being With You is Simply Divine…

2010-12-13T18:28:00.000-06:00

This past Saturday I was privileged to officiate the wedding of Jessica and Matthew in Ludlow, Massachusetts. Ludlow is a fascinating New England town, where about 50% of the residents are Portuguese, and that language is quite prevalent on the street. I co-officiated with Father Vitor Oliveira at Our Lady of Fatima Church, which has one of the most ornate sanctuaries I have ever seen. The centerpiece, if you will, is a spectacular mosaic mural of the woman (as a young girl and as an elderly nun), who Catholics believe had visions of the Virgin Mary in Fatima, Portugal about a century ago. Here are the personal remarks I shared with the couple. (One little bit of information you need to understand the remarks is the bride’s family name – Vital.)

During the process of preparing for a wedding, I have every person I officiate for write a short autobiographical essay. This helps me get to know the couple, and really personalize my remarks. What struck me in the essays this couple wrote is the idea they share the feeling that they were made for each other. Jessica writes, “When it comes to marriage, I am a firm believer that every individual has another person on this planet that they are meant to be with.” Matthew writes similarly, “I feel like when I was born someone upstairs cut out a 5’7 smart, funny, down to earth beauty just for me.”

Now, I have not known the couple for long, but that made me scratch my head for a second. I mean, after all, these are two very different people. If all you knew was just what they did for a living, you would know that already. One is a pharmacist, and one an advertising executive. These are two strikingly different professions, that demand very different types of thinking and operation. Throw in the differences in background, culture and faith, and the question just increases. What is the secret of their love?

Then I thought about it in a deeper fashion, and it all made sense to me. If we are to imagine that there is someone out there that would be made just for us, why on earth would that person be like us? After all, each of us has strengths and weaknesses, and if anything, that person, who is made for us, ideally should help us, as we help them become mutually complete. In that sense, that person would almost have to be very different.

A very interesting subset of mystical Jewish Thought takes this further – the teachings of Rabbi Isaac Luria. The chief expounder of these ideas was, Rabbi Chayim Vital, who lived in the 16th Century, and who, you really can’t make this stuff up, also wrote a book about pharmaceutical remedies of his day! Rabbi Vital’s mystical teachings talk about everything in our world emanating from, coming from within the deity. Therefore, if there are males and females in our world, the deity itself is made up of these different male and female aspects. If there are different qualities in different people, they all emanate from within the deity, and come together as one within the deity. When we, in turn, find that special someone, who is our counterpart, that soul mate who makes us complete, we become in a sense, Godly, divine.

So, Jessica and Matthew, thank you. Thank you for reminding us just how special it is to find that soul mate who makes each of us truly complete. Hold on to that. Now look into each other’s eyes. As the years go by, make sure you take a moment here and there to stop and look into each other’s eyes like you are now, and wherever you are, whatever is going on in your life, say to yourself, say to each other, “You make me whole. Being with you is quite simply divine.”

Dave Barry Writes (Hilariously!) About Interfaith Marriage and About Weddings Too

2010-11-26T07:58:00.001-06:00

Ever since I was eighteen, Dave Barry has been my favorite humorist. I first borrowed his “Dave Barry Turns 40” from my high school friend, Dovi, read it, and promptly returned it a little after I got married three years later. (Liat only had to remind me about 12 times, and hand deliver it to him or his girlfriend or sister or something.) That is how great it was. Fortunately, Dovi had not even started law school yet, so he could not sue me for returning his book just a tad late…

I have read each one of his (Dave Barry’s, not Dovi’s) non-fiction books since. What I love about his humor is that he talks about the simple unvarnished truth of what happens to every guy in life. You find yourself again and again agreeing with his silliness, and also feeling validated that you are, after all, not crazy… A few years ago he wrote a fiction book, called “Big Trouble”, where he took many elements of his non-fiction books and laced them into a crazy story. This was then made into a great movie, which you should see, if you have not seen it yet.

His latest book, which was just published, is called "I'll Mature When I'm Dead". As usual, I got weird looks from my kids, who could not understand why their dad was laughing so hard from a book. I especially liked two essays, “Judaism for Christians”
and “Father of the Groom”. (I knew Barry, a non-Jew, had remarried a few years ago, but I had not known that his second wife was Jewish.) In the former he gives a hilarious and irreverent description of what it is like for him to sit through synagogue services, what it is like for him to celebrate Jewish holidays and more. In the latter he describes many funny aspects of what it is like to be the father of the groom.

This is definitely worth a read. Enjoy, and if you borrow it from my friend, Dovi, make sure you return it by Thanksgiving 2013…

Michelle and Josh – Going Above and Beyond

2010-11-08T13:27:00.001-06:00

This last Saturday I officiated a wedding between a really cool couple, Michelle and Josh. Michelle is a Christian of Palestinian/Jordanian descent and Josh is Jewish, so this was not only an interfaith but also an intercultural wedding. The wedding included not only Hebrew, but Arabic too, with Jimmy, Michelle’s cousin, reciting the Lord’s Prayer in the latter. We also included a beautiful tradition called crowning, in which the priest crowns the bride and groom to symbolize that they are like royalty on their wedding day. Finally, we included the Priestly Blessing in Hebrew, Arabic and English. My friend, Pastor Jalil Dawood, taught me how to do this in Arabic, and Jimmy helped me out too. Here are the personal remarks I shared with everyone during the ceremony:

There is a fascinating story in the Book of Genesis. Abraham has a typical concern of many parents of Gen Xers. His son Isaac is 40 years old. He has dated a few Canaanite girls, but really hasn’t found the right one. Abraham who really hasn’t liked any of the girls anyway, and who really wants some grandchildren, sends his Chief Servant back to his hometown of Charan to find the perfect match for Isaac. Now, Abraham seems to be a really forward thinking manager. He does not micromanage his employees. Rather, he gives basic instructions to his COO, and empowers him to act.

So how do you find the right match for your master’s son, particularly in a city you are not familiar with? The Chief Servant arrives in Charan, and the first thing he sees, right off the Canaan-Aram interstate most likely, is the city well, with the women of the city going back and forth, drawing water for their families. The Chief Servant prays to Yahweh, the God of his master, Abraham, for help. He basically makes a deal with Yahweh and says, that he will ask individual women for water, and the one who responds, saying that she will water him and his camels, will be the one that Yahweh has chosen. Indeed, Rebecca, the first woman he chooses to ask, who conveniently turns out to be Isaac’s cousin, gladly pours him some water to drink, and then volunteers to water his whole entourage, which she does promptly. The Chief Servant then happily slaps costly gold tennis bracelets on her arms and a golden nose ring in her nose (Our “avant garde” matriarch was apparently into the piercings…), and the rest is history… The lesson, colorfully told, is an obvious one. If you are looking for the right mate, choose someone who is not only not self-centered. Choose someone, who cares about others, and who does not wait to be asked to help, rather volunteers of one’s time and/or treasure at the sign of need, expecting nothing in return.

Fast forward about 3500 years to last June. I meet with every couple three or four times before their wedding, and we get to know each other pretty well. I had had two previous meetings with Michelle and Josh, but that was over the phone. This was the first time we met in person, and I was about to see a side of them, that I don’t get to see in couples all that often. I was in Houston for a small wedding at a B&B in the Montrose area. Michelle and Josh had just arrived in town a few days before, were in the process of building their furniture, and had had to attend a social at Josh’s new workplace, before they met with me. We had our meeting at the B&B, and they intended to return home to continue building furniture into the night. I took them on a quick tour of the B&B, showed them where the wedding would be taking place, and we suddenly bumped into the bride and groom. I introduced the two couples to each other, we talked a little bit, and we discovered that the three guys who were supposed to help the couple set up for the wedding had bailed on them. That, apparently, was why they were both in shorts and a t-shirt two hours before their ceremony, with the B&B manager and the best man in tow helping them set up…

We went back inside to the air conditioning, and then it happened, kind of all at once. Josh disappeared, and quickly appeared again with some dishes, gave them to Michelle, and dashed back outside. Michelle started setting up everything inside, while Josh started to set up tables outside. They got to work, I got swept up in it (though I did advise them not to expect this type of service at this wedding…), and they did not leave until everything was pretty much set up for the wedding. The couple, who was marrying that day, was really blown away, as was I.

Michelle and Josh, I think it is by no means coincidental that you have found love with each other and built your life together. Not many people would have done what you did that day, and something tells me that if I asked your family and friends, I would hear of other incidents, where you have acted the same. You two share something very special, that not enough people share, but that all of us should learn from. Thank you for your kindness and the example you set that day, and for giving me such a meaningful lesson to share with everyone here on your wedding day.

Hillel’s Lessons in Word and Deed

2010-10-21T08:34:00.000-05:00

About a month ago I officiated a Bat Mitzvah celebration for a young lady named Na’ama. It was not your typical Bat Mitzvah celebration. (If you have not yet noticed, typical is not what I am really into…) The celebration’s focal point was Na’ama herself leading a study session on the topic “A Celebration of Multiple Identities and the American Spirit”. She discussed how her namesake, the queen of Israel, exemplified the celebration of multiple identities and how George Washington in his letter to the Jews of Newport emphasized this very same idea. The gist of what I shared with her and her guests, in my personal remarks, follows:

What do we wish for our kids? Well, we hope that along with the inevitable mistakes they will make, and the lessons they will hopefully learn from them, they will on balance make the right choices. The million dollar question is, what qualities do they need to have so this does, in fact, happen?

For starters, they need intelligence and creativity, which I can tell Na’ama has. The thing is, that that is just not enough. After all, the financial crisis we are still in was caused by a bunch of really intelligent and (overly) creative people. They used those very qualities in spades, made some really bad choices, and got us all into a huge mess.

So what else is crucial to make sure that you can mostly make good choices? Well, you need a few qualities, that again, from spending time with Na’ama, I can tell she has: a caring attitude towards others, a sense of true humility, and the understanding that most issues are not black and white, rather gray.

There is a wonderful story in the Babylonian Talmud (Shabbat 31a) that exemplifies just this point in word and deed:

Once there was a gentile who came before Shammai, and said to him: "Convert me on the condition that you teach me the whole Torah while I stand on one foot”. Shammai pushed him aside with the measuring stick he was holding. The same fellow came before Hillel, and Hillel converted him, saying: “That which is despicable to you, do not do to your fellow; this is the whole Torah, and the rest is commentary, now go and learn it.”

Shammai shows that he is pretty much a black and white kind of guy. It is my way or the highway with him, and it is difficult to say that he is acting humbly or in a caring manner. Hillel, on the other hand, has one hard and fast black and white rule – treat others as you want to be treated. Now, says Hillel, go figure out the details on your own; life is mostly gray, after all. This demands true humility, because when you tell someone to go figure it out, it means they may find different answers than you did. They may end up using a slightly different measuring stick, when it comes to the nitty-gritty. Hillel is totally OK with that. Hillel, in his actions, shows that he is not just talk, he actually is very caring. He treats others as he would want to be treated. He lives what he preaches.

The postscript of this story, and the very fact that it has one, is fascinating. The Talmud is a book of discussions, and it goes back and forth, back and forth. Many times it does not give clear and consistent rulings even on issues of law. Not here. The Talmud uses a Paul Harvey “rest of the story” type of postscript to pass clear judgment on which of the rabbis was in the right, and which was in the wrong. It gives two more examples of how Shammai treated “interesting” potential converts with his black and white uncaring approach, and how Hillel acted in caring manner, and was willing to meet them where they were. It then tells us:

Some time later the three met in one place; said they, Shammai's impatience sought to drive us from the world, but Hillel's gentleness brought us under the wings of the divine presence.

So, Na'ama, hold on to that. Continue to follow Hillel's path. Continue to show a caring attitude towards others, continue to exhibit a sense of true humility, and hold on to the understanding that most issues are not black and white, rather gray. This will put you on Hillel’s path of success in a way that truly matters. You will, on balance make good choices, and will truly make a difference in the world.

The Seven Jewish Wedding Blessings – a Secular Humanistic Version

2010-10-05T08:17:00.001-05:00

Many interfaith/Jewish weddings include the Seven Blessings . I was recently asked to officiate a ceremony, with a Secular Humanistic non-theistic Hebrew/English version of the Seven Blessings. I searched for a Hebrew version (I found only one or two), and nothing I found felt right, so I resolved to write one myself. It was important to me to preserve most of the original words, which would give it a traditional feel, and enable me to chant the blessings in the traditional tune. I also decided to try to write in a way that each of the six blessings (the seventh is the standard blessing over the wine) would parallel one of the six principles of the Humanist Manifesto III .

#1

Baruch hamaskil ba’adam hamaiveen sheha’olam lo nivra lichvodo.

Praised be the enlightened one amongst humans, who understands that the world was not created for him.

The traditional blessing blesses the deity for creating everything for his glory; humans are not the reason for creation. Humanists agree with the latter. The first Manifesto principle states that, “knowledge of the world is derived by observation, experimentation, and rational analysis”. It is these very tools that have made it clear that the vast Universe, was not created, and certainly not with us in mind.

#2

Baruch hamodeh al yitzeerat ha’adam.

Praised be the one who is thankful for the evolution of humans.

The traditional blessing thanks the deity for creating humans. The second Manifesto principle states that “humans are an integral part of nature, the result of unguided evolutionary change.” This does not belittle our existence. On the contrary, our existence is something that Humanists celebrate and marvel at, feeling lucky to be alive in such a wondrous world. Hebrew does not have a word for evolution, so I preserved the word, yatzar, which does not have a definite ex nihilo tone to it.

#3

Baruch ha’ohev kol ha’adam kitzalmo kitzelem dimoot tavneeto ki’ezro kol echad vi’echad. Baruch hamodeh al yitzeerat ha’adam.

Praised be the one, who loves all humans as one’s self, as one’s very own self, and loves every human as one loves one’s spouse. Praised be the one who is thankful for the evolution of humans.

The traditional blessing thanks the deity for creation in his image, the Mosaic rationale for according each human respect. The third Manifesto principle states that, “Humanists … are committed to treating each person as having inherent worth and dignity”. The Humanist sees no need to ground respect for fellow humans in anything beyond the Golden Rule. We treat everyone, as we would want to be treated or want our loved ones to be treated. The Hebrew word tzelem, in this context, means “himself”, rather than “his image”.

#4

Sose tasees vitagail ha’akarah bikeebootz baneha litochah biseemcha. Baruch hasame’ach eem tziyon bishoov baneha.

Let the barren (city) be joyful and exulted at the ingathering of her children into her midst in gladness. Praised be the one who shares in the gladness of Zion at the return of her children.

The fourth traditional blessing prays the barren Israel/Jerusalem, will one day (anthropomorphically) rejoice in the Jewish People’s return. The fourth Manifesto principle tells us that meaning is not imposed by the deity. We “animate our lives with a deep sense of purpose, finding wonder and awe in the joys and beauties of human existence, its challenges and tragedies.” We can derive meaning from human history and culture. As Jews, we are proud that we rose from the ashes, and fulfilled the “2000 year old hope”, returning to Israel, which serves as a beacon of democracy and Jewish culture.

#5

Same’ach nisamach re’eem ha’ahuveem kiseemchat gan eden meekedem. Baruch misame’ach chatan vikalah.

Let us gladden the loving couple, (so they may enjoy gladness) like the legendary gladness of paradise. Praised be the one, who gladdens the bridegroom and the bride .

The fifth traditional blessing implores the deity to gladden the couple, as he gladdened Adam and Eve. The Humanistic blessing is explicit about the non-factual nature of this couple, but still embraces the idea of two people feeling like they were made for each other. The fifth Manifesto principle reminds us that, “humans are social by nature and find meaning in relationships.” The peak of human relationships is that of true lovers. The ending of #5-6 emphasizes that it is we who should gladden the couple.

#6

Brucheem hamarbeem sasone viseemcha chatan vichalah geelah reenah deetzah vichedvah ahavah vi’achvah vishalome vire’oot. Mihairah bichole ha’olam yeeshama keev’arai yihoodah oochvichootzote yirushalayeem kol sasone vikol seemcha kol chatan vikol kalah kol meetzhalote chataneem maichoopatam un’arim meemeeshteh nigeenatam. Baruch ha’misame’ach chatan im hakalah.

Praised be those who increase, joy and gladness, bridegroom and bride, exultation, song, pleasure and delight, love and brotherhood, peace and friendship. May there soon be heard, all over the world, as in the cities of Judea and as in the streets of Jerusalem, the sound of joy and the sound of gladness, the voice of the bridegroom and the voice of the bride, the happy shouting of bridegrooms from their weddings and of young men and women from their song filled feasts. Praised be the one, who causes the bridegroom and bride to be glad together.

The sixth traditional blessing thanks the deity for creating happiness, and implores him to hasten the day, where liberty may return to Israel, so weddings may regularly occur thereii. The sixth Manifesto principle also discusses happiness and liberty. It tells us that, “working to benefit society maximizes individual happiness”, and that we must “minimize the inequities of circumstance and ability… so that as many as possible can enjoy a good life.” To get there we must, “uphold the equal enjoyment of human rights and civil liberties.” The return of our own right of self determination as Jews, coupled with Israel’s democratic nature, inspire us to work towards a world where all people live happy and free.

I hope these blessings will enhance future wedding celebrations. In the words of the Manifesto, may we be “guided by reason, inspired by compassion, and informed by experience”, and, through that “live life well and fully.”

© Copyright 2010 – Rabbi David S. Gruber – All Rights Reserved – First published on www.interfaithfamily.com

I'm a Winner

2010-09-16T08:49:00.002-05:00

Our son, Sraya, recently participated in the Pen 2 Paper writing contest held by the Coalition of Texans with Disabilities. Sraya won honorable mention in the contest. Laura Perna, who ran the contest, wrote this to him last week, “Sraya, you were the youngest entrant to the contest, and I want to show people that a person's age doesn't keep them from writing maturely and candidly about their life and disability. I hope you'll continue to pursue writing as a craft!” Here is Sraya’s essay, which Laura wrote to me previously, had a “voice” that she felt was more mature than many other entrants.

I’m a Winner by Sraya Gruber

Hello, my name is Sraya and I am nine years old. I am also visually impaired. I am going to write about my other disability, which is the pain in my feet. I was born with flat feet. When I was little, my parents took me to the doctor. The doctor said that I would not have any problem with my feet. I guess he was wrong.

Last year, in 2009, during the school year, my feet started hurting. I had problems running in P.E. I also had problems walking home from school. I even started limping.

The pain made me feel angry and frustrated. I tried to fight it, but it hurt so much. I always came home from school sleepy and tired. When I would do homework I liked when my mom would massage my feet because they hurt. Sometimes I even liked taking long baths after school.

Before the school year ended my parents took me to the pediatrician. He sent me to do blood tests to check if there was something serious that was causing the pain. I was frightened during my first blood test, but I did not cry. My mom told me to imagine that the needle was an airplane, crashing into my arm. The results came back normal.

My dad took me to the orthopedist. The orthopedist said that I did not have flat feet. However, he said that I have an abnormal gait, which meant that I don’t walk properly, rather I walk on my tiptoes. He thought that I have a neurological problem, meaning I had a problem with my nervous system.

In the summer, I went to Sea World in San Antonio with my family. I had to walk a lot there from place to place. After a while my feet started to hurt. My mom had to give me a piggy back because I could not walk any more.

When we came back home, I could not walk. I had to hang on to walls and chairs. Sometimes I had to crawl in order to get to places, like my room. Baths with warm water did not really help my legs.

During the summer there were some programs in school, called “Book Club” and “Mighty Minds”. I liked going there, but my feet kept hurting, preventing me to walk there. When we went there, we had leave the house thirty minutes before, even though the school was only five minutes from where we lived. We had to walk slowly. We also had to stop for some time so I could rest. Sometimes mom had to carry me there.

I was afraid I would not be able to walk properly. Some days I cried because of the pain. My feet sometimes felt as if they were going to “fall off”. Sometimes I felt that I did not care if I could not walk anymore. I was very sad.

My parents took me to the neurologist. He asked me to do different exercises. He said many different words that I did not understand. He said that I might have a problem with my central nervous system, or the muscular system or something metabolic with the cellular level activities. It meant that something was wrong with me.

For me it meant more tests. I had lots of blood tests and an MRI of my brain and spine. Everything turned out to be normal. I hoped that I would not have to do more tests. I thought I would turn into a human pin cushion.

Then we went to see my pediatrician. He said that maybe I could get skates so I would not have to walk a lot. My mom got me shoes with skates, but it did not work out too well. I was always afraid that I might fall.

I was sent to do an MRI of my pelvis. The radiologist, who checked the image, thought that I had a problem with my bone marrow, so I was sent to the blood cancer center to see another doctor. This doctor sent me to do a bone scan and a bone marrow biopsy.

After my bone marrow biopsy, I was very sleepy, because they used general anesthesia. I had two bandages on my back to cover the places where they took out pieces of bone and bone marrow. I could not even take a bath for few days. Everything came back normal.

On the first day of school, instead of going to school, I had to do a muscle biopsy and EKG. When I woke up, I ate popsicles that the nurses gave me. My dad let me listen to music on his I-pod. My dad said that when I woke up I asked him, when they would do the biopsy. When the results came back, it showed that everything was normal.

The neurologists said that they don’t have any explanation, as to why I can’t walk properly. My pediatrician sent me to do physical therapy and to see a rehab doctor. The doctor said it was important that I walk straight, so I would not hurt my spine.

Doing physical therapy means that I am doing different exercises to help my feet get stronger. I ride a bike, do muscles stretches, lift my legs, and sometimes practice walking on the balance beam. There are some exercises that my mom does at home with me before I go to sleep or when my feet hurt.

My dad took me to see Mr. Spencer, who works at the hospital, to make me leg braces and knee splints. Mr. Spencer put plaster that you make a cast with on my feet, so he could measure how big my feet were. He also traced my body from my hips down to my feet. I have braces for walking during the day and knee splints for the night.

During spring break I got my knee splints and braces. Mr. Spencer taught me how to put them on. I also have special socks for the braces. After you put your feet and legs inside the braces, you have to wrap velcro around the feet, and then wear your shoe on the braces. I did not like wearing my braces at first, because I was afraid the kids at my school would make fun of me.

My mom tried to cheer me up. She said that Alice Roosevelt also had to wear braces on her feet. She also said that I could look like Darth Vader, because the braces are black.

Today it does not bother me to wear them, because they help my feet by making me step on my soles and not just my tiptoes. Some kids have braces on their teeth and some kids have braces on their feet.

I wear the knee splints, when I go to sleep. I must wear shorts when I put them on. It makes me hold my legs straight when I am asleep. There is also a motor inside to stretch my muscles. If I don’t wear them at night, I wake up crying with pain.

I think that PT and the braces have helped me get better. On days I go to do PT, I feel my feet hurt less and they are stronger. I still can’t run, walk faster, bend my feet or back, or pick up things from the floor. But, I can still walk to school and back home on foot. I don’t need a wheelchair, like one of the doctors thought I might.

This summer there is “Book Club” too. This week, we learned the word perseverance and its meaning. The teacher said that I was an example for perseverance, which means that I did not give up. I felt proud of myself, because even if it hurts, I keep doing and giving what I can. It means that I did not pout and say “I can’t do it” and feel sorry for myself. I’m a winner and not a quitter.

The Meaning of Life (With Apologies to Monty Python)

2010-09-09T13:40:00.001-05:00

I was recently asked to write a short piece about a short question: What is the most important thing to you in life and why? What a meaningful question to address during the High Holiday season, during which the ancients imagined the deity opening large ledgers of the good deeds and bad deeds of each individual, and pronouncing judgment upon them accordingly! (I assume it is all on large humming servers now…) The most important thing to me in life, at the risk of running head on into a cliché, is to make a difference.

From the scientific point of view, we know that we live on a small planet orbiting a rather minor star in a rather insignificant location on the lower arm of our galaxy, which is in the backwaters of a vast universe. Furthermore, as the great evolutionary biologist, Richard Dawkins, reminds us, the number of potential people that could have been here in our place due to the various possible DNA combinations, outnumbers the sand grains of Sahara (which the British, annoyingly, do not like preceding with a definitive). This could lead us to discounting the potential significance of our lives.

I believe that that would be a mistake. Why? All you need to do is open the newspaper (note to the kids – that is a non-electronic blog written on large flimsy papers), and look for a reference to the last person who won the lottery. Is that person at that moment happy or sad, feeling significant or not so much? Well, we have all won the biological lottery, just by being here, each and every one of us! The question is, what do we do with this fact? The rabbis of old tell us, “Against your will, you are born; against your will you die, and against your will you are to account (for what you did in between).” You don’t have to be a religious person or even a theist to accept that statement. The great hero of the Antebbe (July 4, 1976) rescue (and brother of the current Israeli prime minister), Lt. Col. Jonathan “Yoni” Netanyahu, was by no means a traditionalist. In his letters he talks about his personal desire to be different from others, and live a life of true meaning, not just potential significance, where he is ready to account to himself for his actions at any moment. The only one not to return from that heroic rescue operation, Israel’s current President, then Minister of Defense, Shimon Peres, eulogized him saying that indeed some live long lives with no real significance, but not Yoni; he lived a short life, but what a significant and meaningful life it was!

There is a very powerful scene in Brian De Palma’s second and much underappreciated movie, Casualties of War. The protagonist, played by Michael J. Fox, has just reported the gang rape and murder of a Vietnamese peasant girl by his platoon sergeant and fellow soldiers, only to be ignored, and almost assassinated. His company marches down a dirt road, and he heatedly discusses what he is going through with a friend, and they shoo away the company “nudge”, who promptly falls into a Viet-Cong trap and dies. His friend, seeing this, suggests that since they could die at any moment, then maybe nothing really matters. Fox’s character, sees it very differently, and (this may not be verbatim, but this stuck in my memory ever since) he says, “No. Maybe we got it all wrong! Maybe because we could die any minute it matters more than anything, maybe it matters more than we will ever know!”

We cannot choose our fates. We cannot choose to whom or where or when come into this world. We have little say over many of the challenges we will face in life. We owe it to ourselves, though, to choose our destinies, to live lives of meaning, to make a difference. And, this cannot be in some abstract way. We must make an ongoing positive difference in the lives of our spouses and lovers, in the lives of our children, in lives of our friends, and in the lives of our larger communities. A tall order, sure, but I aim to have a whack at it!

© Copyright 2010 – Rabbi David S. Gruber – All Rights Reserved

Finding Your Soul Mate

2010-08-30T09:11:00.000-05:00

Here are words I shared with Deborah and David, a wonderful couple, this last Saturday night in Frisco (my 68th wedding, so far, but only the 2nd one in our beautiful city). It was such a special wedding with their four great kids, all in their 20s, on hand:

Ask Deborah and David to describe their relationship. They will tell you they share so much in common. They are both gentle spiritual people who are close to their families, and friends and community play a very important part in their lives. They share a true sense of adventure, love to travel and love nature.

When they described this to me, a very specific Yiddish word came to mind, beschert, which is one of those uniquely meaty Yiddish words, that one cannot fully translate into English. Beschert can best be defined as “meant to be”, “made in heaven”, or even “soul mate”.

That said, that is not the whole story. When Deborah and David describe their relationship, they also say that they recognize their differences, and rather than let these differences stand between them, they seek to harness them to enhance their relationship. This is the true secret of a successful relationship. Deborah and David realize that even if we were to accept the description of the rabbis, even if you truly feel like you have found your soul-mate, you have to invest in your relationship, you have to nurture it. You have to be true to yourself and your mate about your respective strengths and weaknesses. You have to strive to truly learn from one another, and compliment each other.

Deborah and David, thank you for reminding us of how one can and should live in that hallowed of all relationships, marriage. Hold on to that. Wake up every morning, look into each other’s eyes with the resolve to continue to cherish that happiness and love you have found with each other, and I have no doubt, your bond will remain unbreakable.

A Painting and a Pencil Sketch

2010-07-26T09:31:00.000-05:00

Here are the words I shared with everyone at the wedding of Adriana and Andrew in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, just two weeks ago:

The idea that I can and should learn from my couples is just one of the reasons that I meet with every couple three or four times before their wedding, and ask each partner to write a short essay about him or herself. That said, this is the first wedding in more than 65 in the last two years or so, where the bride wrote something so beautiful that I just had to include it verbatim in my remarks.

One thing that struck me from my very first discussion with Adriana and Andrew is that really the phrase “interfaith couple” did not fit the bill with regards to this couple, just as it does not fit many of the couples I work with. “Intercultural couple” may be a more apt term. Certainly Adriana and Andrew each started out at different points, but through their own personal journeys, and their journey together, it is well evident that they have reached a place, where they have more in common in terms of faith and belief, than many other couples out there. This is not due to coincidence, rather this is due to the fact that they have each chosen to really think and grow in this area. This also does not mean they reject their respective heritages, rather they have chosen to build on those heritages, and to examine their lives spiritually, figure out who they are, and what they want as individuals and as a couple.

In the words of the bride, “I like to think of my religious and spiritual life as a beautiful painting. In the best art and true life paintings or drawings, there is rarely ever a solid line that separates the colors or shapes; everything needs to blend together. Colors use a change of tone or texture, sometimes bumping right up together - they're never separated. And yet, when the artist began their work of art, it started as a pencil sketch; nothing but lines. In my life those lines were drawn for me by religion, as it was taught to my mom and how she tried to teach it to me, but I've since fleshed it out, and while it was an excellent guide, and anyone who knows me can see the evidence of those lines, they've transformed to my own sense of spirituality.”

Adriana and Andrew, there is to me a very important lesson in this for all of us. We have very limited control over our circumstances in life. We cannot choose to whom we are born, what our physical features will be, or where we will grow up. We do, however, have control over how we choose to relate to our circumstances in life. In other words, we cannot choose our fate, but we can choose our destiny. We can and should choose to think and contemplate and develop, and never stop growing for even one instant. Adriana and Andrew, thank you for teaching us this important lesson. Hold on to that. Wake up every morning, and look into each other’s eyes with the resolve to continue to grow and build your lives build together, and I have no doubt, your bond will remain unbreakable.

Things I Learned from Teresa and Ben

2010-06-29T10:36:00.000-05:00

Here is an excerpt of what I said at the wedding of Teresa and Ben in Houston this last Saturday:

Now, as we are talking about two teachers here, there seems to be an abundance of lessons that this couple teaches us. The first lesson is one about how we need to be more exact with language, and how common terms do not always fit, especially when they aim to put people in a certain “box”. You see, since the first time I first spoke with Teresa and Ben, I was struck by a very interesting fact. The phrase “interfaith couple” did not fit the bill with regards to this couple, just as it does not fit many of the couples I work with. “Intercultural couple” may be a more apt term. Certainly Teresa and Ben come from different backgrounds, and have had different life stories. That said they have more in common in terms of faith and belief, than many other couples out there. This is not due to coincidence, rather this is due to the fact that they have chosen to really think about these issues of faith and belief. They have chosen together to carefully examine their lives spiritually, figure out who they are, and what they want as individuals and as a couple. They also recognize that they need to continue to grow together in this sense and to focus on the joy, happiness and meaning that such growth can bring to a couple’s life.

There is, however, a deeper, more significant reason that the phrase “interfaith couple” does not fit Teresa and Ben, and that is that they understand Mark Twain’s old adage, “Faith is believing what you know ain't so”. This couple, as Humanists, choose to live their lives, as individuals and as a couple, guided by the clear light of reason. And keep in mind, that they do this not in San Francisco or Soho; they live their lives this way in Houston, Texas. They, in turn, respectfully, by their very example, challenge us to live our lives in such a way.

A third and last thing they teach us is to live in harmony with the rest of this world. There are many people who recognize that there is a better way to treat nature, and particularly our closest relatives on the evolutionary tree, the members of the animal kingdom. It makes sense, after all. That said, most of us, aspire to this as an ideal, but fall short in their day to day lives, myself included. Teresa and Ben, you show us that living a purer life, when it comes to our consumption, namely veganism, is not just an ideal, but is an attainable way of life.

Hail to the Chiefs - How I Officiated at a Wedding in the Presence of Two Presidents

2010-06-03T09:14:00.000-05:00

I recently officiated at a ceremony, where both Presidents Bush and their First Ladies were in attendance. They hardly ever attend private events, so this was very special for everyone who was in attendance. My wife, Liat, and I wondered if we would get to meet them or not. We ended up not only meeting them, but having some very pleasant one-on-one time with the forty-third president.

During the ceremony I recited the customary Seven Wedding Blessings in English, after which I chanted the sixty-seventh Psalm in Hebrew (in the tune specially reserved for Saturday nights), and recited it in English. I talked about how on Saturday evenings many Jews chant this Psalm, and how it contains many of the same themes and actual words found in the most ancient copy of scripture that archeologists have found in the Holy Land, the priestly blessing.

After the ceremony, President George W. Bush congratulated me for a job well done from about 12 feet away, and I thanked him. He then smiled and motioned with his finger that he wanted me to come over to him. I then had the privilege of shaking hands with the two presidents and their first ladies, who all congratulated me on doing a great job. That would have been an experience in and of itself.

Then the elder Bushes went to take pictures and talk to other guests, and I introduced Liat to President George W. and Mrs. Laura Bush. The former first lady then went to join the others, and the former president spent the next ten minutes talking to us! He asked how long we had lived in Dallas, where we were from, and about our children. He was specifically curious about Liat’s ancestry. (Due to the fact that she is of both North African and Eastern European extraction, many people find her hard to “place”.) He was tickled by the fact that our youngest son shared a birthday with him, and playfully referred to him later in the conversation as “George”. (His siblings are already giving him a hard time over that one…)

Since we mentioned that Liat was born in Israel, and I grew up there, we talked about the Jewish State. He confirmed a story I had once read about Sharon in 1998 taking him on a helicopter tour of the 1967 borders, and specifically pointing out the area where Israel within these borders was the narrowest, only about 8 kilometers wide. To this the then Texas Governor had remarked that, “we have driveways in Texas that are longer than that.” He was explicit about how there was a real mutual affection between himself, and the man he now referred to as “the old tank driver”.

Our discussion ended with Mrs. Laura Bush calling him over to join her for some photos. (That just goes to show you that even in that family there is a well defined hierarchy...) With that, he shook our hands, and thanked me once again for a job well done. We thanked him for his kindness, and went to join the wedding party.

The popular notion has always been that, politics aside, the forty-third president is a mentsch, and a very genuine and down to earth fellow. Liat and I found that to be very true indeed. Yet, without going too grandiose here, I could not help reflecting on a deeper aspect of this brief personal experience.

Many years ago, the first President of our republic, George Washington, proclaimed a notion that was entirely new and unpracticed in the world of that time: equality and freedom regardless of one’s religious faith. He wrote to the Jews of Newport, Rhode Island, that “happily the Government of the United States, which gives to bigotry no sanction, to persecution no assistance, requires only that they who live under its protection, should demean themselves as good citizens.” He added still, at a time when my ancestors in Eastern Europe could only dream of freedom, “May the Children of the Stock of Abraham, who dwell in this land, continue to merit and enjoy the good will of the other Inhabitants; while every one shall sit under his own vine and fig tree, and there shall be none to make him afraid.”

No one knew how long this new idea of freedom and equality would survive. Many scholars contend that the Founding Fathers probably would be surprised that we still live under the same Constitution, much less one amended to provide freedom to more and more people. Over these same years the Jewish people have seen their share of friendly regimes turn against them, with succession and the turning over of governments frequently not boding well for them. I dare say very few of those Newport Jews would have imagined the ideas of President Washington not only surviving, but two successors of that famous letter writer attending a wedding, where Jewish blessings were chanted, after which one of those successors would leisurely chat with the chanting rabbi and his wife. Yet here we were all the same.

© Copyright 2010 – Rabbi David S. Gruber – All Rights Reserved - This article originally appeared on www.InterfaithFamily.com.

A Little Stream of Consciousness

2010-05-06T06:05:00.003-05:00

In this blog post, I wanted to write some random thoughts related to a unique experience I had at a wedding I officiated just about a year ago in Charleston, South Carolina. This is probably going to be stream of consciousness more than an essay. Here is how I opened the ceremony:

I travel all over the country to officiate at weddings, and I am many times called upon to officiate at weddings where the only ones who really know me are the bride and the groom. Therefore, I almost always open the wedding ceremony with these words, “Welcome family and friends, my name is Rabbi David S. Gruber, and I know I speak for all of you when I say how honored I feel to be here today.”

Those words have added meaning here for me today, as this wedding is personally special to me. About 40 years ago in this Great State of South Carolina, Rabbi David S. Gruber married Jeremy’s parents. Now, as I am only about 36 years old, that Rabbi Gruber was, of course, my grandfather, a great man, who I unfortunately never knew, and who at that point was at the sunset of his life. How extraordinary and deeply meaningful that we should all be here today 40 years later. I stand here therefore with a profound sense of humility, and I feel truly honored and blessed to be here.

Every wedding is special, but this ceremony had extra personal meaning for me. Prior to this wedding, the only things I knew about my grandfather, who was one of the most prominent public figures of his time in Columbia, South Carolina, were stories my father told me, and what I read about him in a book written about his congregation. Even my late mother and her parents, who died in the 1990s never got to know him that well, as he died about twelve hours after their wedding. I had certainly never met a congregant of his. At this wedding, I met not only Jeremy’s parents, who were married by him, with Jeremy’s dad having also been bar mitzvahed by him; I also met a number of their relatives, who still live in Columbia. To them Rabbi Gruber had not been someone in a book. To him he was their longest serving leader, whom they remembered many years later. Many of them told me stories about him, and it was very clear that they remembered him quite fondly so many years after his death in 1970.

My grandfather, who arrived in the U.S. at the age of two, grew up in an Orthodox home. I never remember as a child or even as an adult really understanding what had caused him to become a Reform rabbi, specifically. Maybe, growing up Orthodox, I just did not ask? Anyway, around the time I was contacted by Jeremy’s parents to officiate this wedding, I did ask my uncle, why it was that his father left Orthodoxy. He said that it was due to the fact, that he could not reconcile his understanding of science and history, with the traditional Orthodox interpretation of Judaism. I was greatly heartened by this, since, as I have explained elsewhere, it is this issue with its multiple facets, that caused me to rethink my lifestyle and beliefs, albeit later in life than my grandfather did. Also, my grandfather was known for his, you guessed it, tireless work on interfaith relations. I now feel somewhat closer to this figure whose name I bear, and who looks at me from old photographs.

Of course, I am always conscious of what I was told during a very strange phone call in 1990. I had just finished high school in Israel, and decided to visit the United States, and do a little touring and visiting with relatives before beginning my military service in the Israel Defense Force. One relative I was going to visit was one of my dad’s cousins. My grandfather was the youngest child in his family, and so all of my dad’s cousins are 10-20 years older than he is. I called my dad’s cousin from my maternal grandparents’ apartment in Queens, and once she picked up the phone, I said, “Hi, this is David Gruber speaking.” There was this silence on the other end of the line, and I had to repeat myself once or twice before she answered. Later during the discussion I asked her about this, and she explained that her uncle, my grandfather, used to stay at her parents house sometimes, and when I introduced myself on the phone she was puzzled, because she knew he was already dead for 20 years, and “after all” she added wistfully, “there was only one David Gruber…”

The Most Incompatible Compatible Couple

2010-03-31T12:26:00.000-05:00

This last weekend, I officiated two weddings, which were both interfaith and intercultural. Friday night, Andrea, an Ecuadorian Catholic married Adam, a Jew from Las Vegas, in her hometown of Guyaquil. Sunday afternoon, Nse (pronounced as if there is an extra e in front of the n), a devout Christian nurse born in the US to Nigerian parents, who grew up in Nigeria, married Hadar, a secular Jew, and one of the most prominent physicians in Israel. (The first time I spoke to Hadar, we spoke in Hebrew, but he used the English title phrase of this blog entry to describe them as a couple.)

Both weddings were very special. The second one had one of the most fascinating audiences one could ever see in one place, with couples in traditional African garb seated beside young Israeli girls in summer dresses. I officiated the ceremony, and was joined at the end of it by Nse’s pastor, Reverend Dr. Gabriel Nwumba, who gave a rousing sermon punctuated with lively Amens from the audience, and then together we blessed the couple with the Priestly Blessing. Perhaps one of the most poignant moments was when Nse’s unassuming nine year old daughter read the words of Ruth to Naomi, “Wherever you go, I will go; wherever you dwell, I will dwell, your people will be my people, and your God will be my God…” Hadar and many others were visibly moved to tears.

Here are the words I shared with everyone:

The more I thought about Nse and Hadar, the more I understood that this couple is really teaching us a double lesson. First of all, they teach us a sorely needed lesson in today’s broken world, and that is, that we need not let differences of background, race or religion stand between us, and prevent us from loving each and every human being. After all, these two individuals come from different countries, races and faiths, and yet they have such a strong and powerful bond of love between them. The thing is that that observation caused me, as is typical amongst us rabbis, to ask another question! With all the differences between them, how do they do it? What is their secret?

It became very clear to me that this couple had realized what few couples fully realize, and that is that every marriage is an intermarriage. Regardless of who we fall in love with, regardless of who we marry, we are marrying someone who has had a different set of experiences and has a different personality. Therefore, you cannot put your love and your marriage on “auto-pilot”. In order to forge love into a successful marriage, you must engage in open conversation and communication, carefully and deeply consider your differences, and commit to a loving relationship that will overcome these differences. This is Nse and Hadar’s secret. This is how they do it!

It is also very clear that Nse and Hadar have a deep appreciation for the fact that marriage is not a one shot deal, rather this it is just the beginning of a journey of mutual understanding and compromise. In fact, to symbolize this, some ministers will ask married couples in the congregation to hold hands while listening to the vows of the bride and groom, and silently recommit themselves to each other, at that time.

Thank you, Nse and Hadar, for setting an example for the rest of us in showing that in all of our human relationships, we can and should love our fellow human being, regardless of our differences. Thank you also for teaching us that every relationship is a work in progress, and that we need to commit every day to bettering our interpersonal relationships with all, and most specifically with our mates and lovers. Hold on to that. Wake up every morning with the resolve to cherish each other and the wonderful life you have built and continue to build together every day, and I have no doubt, your bond will remain unbreakable.

Two of My Favorite Doctors – Jenny and Jon

2010-03-17T09:40:00.000-05:00

Here are the words I shared recently at Jenny and Jon’s wonderful wedding in New Orleans.

When I sat down to write my remarks, I couldn’t help but reflect on the circumstances of Jenny and Jon meeting, how their relationship started and how their love flourished from there. You see, I try to meet with each couple I work with about three or four times before their wedding, so I can really get to know them. I always start my first discussion with a couple with a rather basic question, “Tell me about yourselves, and how you met?” Well, this may surprise you, but none of the other 65 couples I have had such meetings with in the last two years, began their answer to the second part of that question with the words, “We met over a bone box…”

Now, beyond the humor, when you talk to Jenny and Jon, you understand that there is a rather deep and serious side to this. Though Jenny and Jon come from different backgrounds, and have had different life stories, they seem to have more in common in terms of their basic beliefs regarding how one should live one’s life, than many other couples out there. This is particularly exemplified by their career choices, and the rationale for these choices. It is clear that they chose medicine, not just because they thought that they had the aptitude and inclination for it, but first and foremost, due to the fact that they really wanted to help people. On top of that, they not only chose the healing profession, rather with some disregard to their own bottom line, they opted for the front line of medicine, to work in family medicine and physical medicine and rehabilitation. In an era, where many of us are faced with a medical world that can be cold, scary and full of technical mumbo jumbo, they have chosen to be the ones, who with a reassuring tone in their voices, will hold our hands, help us make sense of it all, and make some of the pain and fear go away.

I have not known Jenny and Jon for that long, but it seems to me that it is this very sense of caring, compassion and love for others that drew them to each other at first, and cemented the foundation for a true love story. On this foundation they built a genuine relationship of understanding, communication and trust. In this each one has found that soul mate, with whom one can talk for hours, and with whom one can just sit in silence, not saying a word, and still enjoy a tremendous sense of tranquility and peace. It is this relationship that we celebrate today, and really just make official something that is already there, so deeply rooted in the life of the couple.

Jenny and Jon, thank you for reminding me and us of what our priorities can and should be. Thank you for instilling in what we are doing here today true and deep meaning. Hold on to that. Wake up every morning, look into each other’s eyes with the resolve to continue to cherish that happiness, friendship and love you have found with each other, and that sense of caring, empathy and compassion you have for others, and I have no doubt, your bond will remain unbreakable.

Wise Student - Introduction

2010-03-03T11:24:00.002-06:00

I always begin the personal remarks portion of my wedding ceremonies with the following paragraph:

Friends, one of the most fascinating things about the Jewish tradition is that a Jewish scholar, be he, or for that matter she, the greatest scholar of his or her generation, is referred to as a talmid chacham, literally a wise student. That is because Judaism values the idea of life long learning. Whenever I officiate a wedding, I ask myself, this couple, being unique individuals, what can I learn from them, what are they, consciously or unconsciously, teaching me, and indeed us?

My daughter, who is fifteen and a half years old, has a phrase she uses, whenever dad gets kind of mushy. She will stop what she is doing, and dramatically announce, “Corny alert!” I am sure she would react the same way to the above paragraph, but let’s face it, if there is anywhere you can and should be a little mushy and corny, it should be at a wedding…

Beyond the “corny” aspect of the above, I do mean what I say. There is, after all, one approach amongst men and women of the cloth, that holds that we should impart to the masses wisdom from on high. I can think of specific such clergy, who one can tell, think they have much to teach, but not much to learn from their fellow human beings. I have always begged to differ. The main theme that ran through the graduate school program in educational leadership that I attended was what is referred to in flowery language as a “learner centered approach”. This is an academic and fancy way of stating the obvious, its not about you the teacher, its about the learner, and if you follow that approach, watch out, you may learn something too! This is probably what the Talmudic sage, Chanina ben Hama, was referring to when he said, "I have learned much from my teachers, from my colleagues even more, but from my students I have learned the most." (Talmud Bavli Tractate Ta'anit 7a)

This approach demands a degree of true humility, which can be a challenge at times for people, who are referred to at times as “(wo)men of God”. (I add the word “true”, mindful of what Golda Meir allegedly said to Moshe Dayan once, “Don’t act so humble; you’re not that great…”) It is worth it though, as I believe that one’s life can become so much richer, if one treats every interaction with others as a potential “teachable moment”. Conversely, I always feel a little sorry for people, who due to the fact they think they have all the answers, go through life, and miss out on valuable lessons they could be learning from others of all walks of life.

The main reason I got into this “trade” of the rabbinate and education is because I love people, interacting with them, building relationships, and learning together. This is why when I officiate a wedding, I spend time to get to know the couple, build a relationship with them, and together build the ceremony around them, rather than shoehorn them into some preconceived idea of a ceremony I already have. The wedding, after all, is not about me, it is about them. Indeed, beyond life lessons, some of the best ideas for things to include in ceremonies come from my couples! Therefore, it only makes sense to share with the audience what I have learned from these unique individuals.

In this blog, which I intend (fingers crossed!) to update every two weeks, I intend to share with you, a slightly larger audience, some of the lessons I have picked up along the way, from the wonderful couples I have been and am fortunate to work with. In that spirit, let the learning begin!